You'll have to answer, To your own Pressure. I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale. But here you are in the ninth, Two men out and three men on, Nowhere to look but inside. Where we all respond to Pressure.

I'm still alive.

And yes, I'm still pissed as hell at Britt for her behavior and the rest of Delta Rae for enabling it -- and this time there is no getting back on my good side, not even by Eric, except by addressing this issue and actually fixing it. It would have been different if she'd mentioned all social medias, but same as at those three shows it was ONLY Instagram she brought up and the phrasing on it was VERY deliberately female ostracism of, "just so you know everyone but you is invited to the party and I'm going to make sure I ONLY put content where YOU can't see it and rub it in your face that it's there and you can't access it." And she can deny that all she wants, but there's no other logical explanation that explains WHY it was specifically ONLY Instagram that was mentioned and it was phrased the way it was. It was deliberate female bullying and cruelty. And if you accept any rationalizing she can POSSIBLY give for phrasing that as she did AND her refusal to even acknowledge or respond to reminders for 13 months that she HAS created a system of ostracism in the band's name on the BAND'S official account by blocking fans for being honest they did not (and do not) like the country music thing, then you're complicit in her cruelty or you're really fucking gullible.  And whether complicit or just that gullible, I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who chooses to KNOWINGLY be involved with that sort of bullying behaviors.

Which is why I'm done done this time and will not even let you in to reach me in any capacity to try to weaken my determination by you reminding me of all the things there that I love and why this is so perfect and should be so easy. You're out of your get out of jail cards and one more chances and do-overs if you don't confront this and fix it. It's that toxic and intentionally cruel and downright EVIL what is happening on the Delta Rae band account and you are guilty of the same cruelty for allowing the behaviors to continue right under your nose and in your name.  There is no making this even a little better other than confronting this mess of Brittany's making, Brittany's perpetuating by poking the bear, and making the conscious decision of fixing this not letting it happen again to ANYONE.

And this is now an ethics issue. The one thing in all the world I will NEVER let my anger burn out over are ethics issues, especially ethics issues regarding how someone treats another living being....  So I'm not willing to bend on this. Not now, not ever. I've never, in this life or any other, backed down when confronted with a bully or someone playing games of master-slave dialectic control issues -- and I don't intend to start now. Not even for Eric. Right is right and wrong is wrong. And if you choose to blur those lines, then you become guilty of the wrong just as surely as the person whose wrong behaviors you're excusing and condoning.

I didn't make it this way and I can't fix it other than to refuse to stand for these behaviors any longer and to stick to what's right even if it hurts instead of allowing a wrong because of how I feel about Eric. And remember it's his sister acting as a bully --it's why when she first did this I said, "Fuck it I'm done!" until I realized I might be punishing him and the other guys who didn't know about it to understand why. Now they know, now they are complicit for letting it continue, but ultimately this is on Brittany's immaturity and her deliberate intentional acts of cruelty.  This breakdown isn't about Eric or my desire to be with him or anything he's done recently or me running from him -- it's about his sister's bullying behavior patterns and what's being done in the name of the band on their official accounts that everyone else is condoning and complicit in at this point by their silence and unwillingness to confront and fix these very real issues she created and continues to perpetuate. He is losing me from his options this life BECAUSE of Brittany's games she's playing and no other reason. There is no other truth but that at this point -- anything else is just rationalizing and bullshit spin. This is about her bullying behaviors on the official band instagram and now their email list. It's about her actions and the other members being complicit in their silence ignoring her bullying and thus condoning it.

And that's my final word on this.

~*~*~*~*~

Yesterday I had Thanksgiving meal with my parents, grandma, Crissy, Pete, and Gleen at Essen Haus. (for about 30 years they have provided a full Thanksgiving meals for students and people who can't cook/host or with no families or whatever. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, yams, cranberry, mixed veggies, then choice of 4 kinds of pie (apple, cherry, pecan, pumpkin.)  It was great fun!!!!

Then I went to Crissy's to meet her new cat, Henry. Before ending up discussing the family business I mentioned (and getting a more complete story of what happened) with many people for about 3 hours. With more of the story, it's even worse....... But at least it's been dragged into the light now so the healing and dealing with the fallout can happen.

Today Mikaela came over since she's still off school. So Alana came to hang out with us by the hearth (I laid a fire, we kept it burning all day) til Alana had to leave at 10:30 for work. Miakela and I had a How to train Your Dragon pizza party for lunch. AND!! scored free breadsticks!!! The manager asked if I had gotten any good black Friday deals and I laughed said, "O no! Just coming this close to the mall to pickup the pizza I nearly got killed a half dozen times. I'm looking forward to going home to eat pizza with the kid off school, watch How To Train Your Dragon, and then put up the Christmas tree." He laughed said, "Yeah. The mall iz a zoo. I've had to deliver several orders for employees there and just dealing with that parking lot was insane." Then he turned around and grabbed an order of breadsticks, knocked on the counter then pointed at it lifted his finger to tell the kitchen staff to box up another for that order, and gifted me free breadsticks with a wink and a, 'Happy Black Friday!"  That was fun. And very very kind of him!!!!

Then Mikaela and I spent the rest of the afternoon setting up my tree and putting on all the wood cuts and bears and dinosaurs and cute woodland critters and wintry themed ornaments and white/silver/gold baubles I've amassed

And then, because I need to buy new storage containers to reorganize my holiday kitsch so Halloween hadn't yet been put away, I moved Halloween from taking over the dining room table and piano (the pumpkins actually on the black keys are foam, didn't weigh enough to hurt the keys) to putting it under the tree. It's my homage to Nightmare Before Christmas. I LOVE IT!!! May make it a personal tradition to ALWAYS store Halloween under the Christmas tree until midnight of Christmas Day, lol. I love it so much!

Then in exchange for her daughter, Sarah brought my gorgeous square wooden table I salvaged from being curbed by someone else (could use a little woodworking tlc, less than some of my other antique woodwork pieces though -- legs are a little loose on this one) that's been sitting in shipping at work because it couldn't fit in the back of the Scion.

Then dropped my dog off at work while my da and I went to Fuji for dinner. (I had a birthday coupon that expires tomorrow for $10 off with the purchase of 2 hibachi dinners. And my mum has a headache and a bit of a cold isn't hungry preferred rest over joining us. We're also going there for company holiday dinner next week. AND my mum has a birthday coupon for her expires Dec. 31. AND my papa will get one for his birthday that will expire end of February. So she'll have plenty of hibachi dinners in her near future, lol.)

Then I came back to my dog and asked my sister to call me once the kids were put to bed so I could fill her in on the more information about what's going on in the family. Since then been listening to Billy Joel on randomize (what I had put on for my dog -- he's one of the favorites for me and my pup. My cat always prefers George Winston best of all, but for Audrey and me when we want lyrics nothing beats out Billy Joel) and drinking tea and gif warring with my sister who's been on my case to buy tickets pick a date for my next Seattle visit. But in a super cute bombard me with gifs make me laugh at how relentlessly singleminded she is about missing me and my next visit. (My sister is very type A. She wants this planned and in the books. She also knows me and that I can lose track of time and if she doesn't remind me in ways that make me laugh (as opposed to ways that make me stubbornly contrary) I can kick along without realizing how much time has passed between visits. And they genuinely love having me visit them in Seattle area. And I love visiting them, and the kids. Jack and Monroe are incredibly good kids!)  We're somewhere down the rabbithole of Addams Family gif memes atm.

So that's the last couple days.

Tomorrow, I have girls day plans to go to a winery with a groupon my mom bought for tasting and cheese pairing with my mom, Sarah, Crissy 9and maybe Mikaela will join us.) Then after that we're going to all go see Downtown Abby movie at the second run theater in town where tickets are like $2 any time of day. And then likely leftovers for me and watering all 100+ plants of mine at work and putting up all the indoor holiday decorations at work. (Still need to put up the icicle lights outside at work, but that's a two person job and it's been too crazy busy around here to get to it.

So likely not going to write here next til after all that, lol. No promises if I need to write or vent somewhere. But most likely.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Billy Joel song Pressure.]

Yeah......I'm just a little ticked off right now....

This line in the Delta Rae e-mail they sent today which I just read is such a big fucking fuck you:
"Find us on instagram to get a first glimpse into the process as we arrive and start recording on December 1st."

Yeah, let me just find you on instagram after somebody fucking blocked me on the account 13 months ago and after at least a dozen direct attempts over the last year from  me trying to address this, both publicly and privately, in various mediums with various members of the band to which not a single fucking one of you had the courage to even fucking respond. Let me get right on that you fucking gaslighting power tripping bully.

Thanks Britt. At least this time you fucking signed it put your name on it and owned your bullying behavior under your own name not just in the umbrella name of speaking for everyone in the group.

I'm fucking pissed and I'm fucking done.

That's quite honestly nothing but intentional cruelty at this point. And I don't need to put up with it.  I'm done. With all of them. That was a completely unnecessary and unacceptable low blow, it's intentional cruelty, and it's textbook female bullying. Start to finish.

I have plans the next three days and a lot of stuff going on in my family/friends circles to keep me busy, so I won't be able to deal with this til Monday, maybe Sunday but likely not until Monday. And I intend to keep so busy with all my plans that I'll not let myself see anything from any of them on their personal accounts. Anywhere. And I intend to intentionally focus my energy on shutting Eric out and refusing to let him reach me via the internal karmic bond, no matter the energy drain on me of keeping him out. Raw spiritual energy is infinite with me when I'm angry -- hanging onto the control to NOT destroy everything with the power that runs through me is the hardest part when my temper is afire. Shutting out even him is easy when I'm this pissed off. 

And as a result of this, before the year is out, I intend to unfollow them everywhere.  Every. Fucking. One. Of. Them. Everywhere.

Because that is complete bullshit. And utterly morally bankrupt. A bully is a bully is a bully. And female bullies are worse than male bullies -- because they power trip on building alliances,  excluding people, and twisting you around their finger making you do things you know to be wrong and don't want to do. They power trip over their control of your will -- and if they can't control your will subjugate it to theirs, then they will set out to ostracize and socially destroy you. that's how female relational bullying works -- literally read the book on it if you don't believe me or don't understand. It's by Rachel Simmons and called Odd Girl Out. No matter who the bully is to you, if you are complicit in your silence to the bullying, then you ARE a bully the same as any follower of a mean girl queen bee type.  This isn't fucking middle school -- grow the fuck up, will you?

And shit on you if you think bullying behaviors are acceptable. I hope you get exactly what the worst in you earns for your future and your fate. 

If you don't understand JUST  how fucking bullshit and intentionally cruel and morally bankrupt that was then you are a shitty person no matter how many people stroke your ego praise you or how hard you try to be spirituallyaligned. If you are intentionally cruel treat ANYONE like shit and act like a bully, then you are a morally bankrupt piece of shit of a person. You can't wash away bad karma from evil intentioned actions by trying to accrue good karma with other people who will suck up to your ego. Karma doesn't work that way, karmic debts accrue from your EVERY action -- and the bad that you knowingly commit weighs heavier against your soul than any good thing you might try to do to offset it. 

Also. Frankly. if you're a bully or support a bully, then I do not want you in my life. In any capacity.

Fuck off if that's who you choose to be.  Just fuck off and go find someone else to circle jerk your ego until it gets so over-inflated that it destroys you. I want nothing of yours if you choose to be a bully or passively complicit in your silence to another person's bullying behaviors.

Fuck the fuck off. I'm fucking done -- I will not condone or support any bully or anyone whose silence allows the power tripping of a bully to continue.

For the record. You really OUGHT to be focusing more on the word "fragile" than the word "healing." Because trust me when I tell you that all of the trust and willingness to be soft that this week has helped foster WILL be destroyed in an instant (and I DO mean in an instant) from a return to ANY form of bullying. Including bullying that you do by sharing to your story ANY post from the band page where I am ostracized so cannot see the story itself but can see that you have posted one because you show up as having an unwatched story even after I watch through all of them I can see exist.

Trust me when I tell you that even that small level of bullying behavior from you will be enough to confirm to me that you see nothing wrong with you being a bullying and participating in relational bullying via ostracism and will be enough to destroy all the healing that giving me some quiet without any form of bullying had made for you.

You do it, and I will revert back to exactly where I was before this recent mellowing. Probably more extreme a reaction due to you proving to me yet again that i was an idiot and a fool to believe you WEREN'T a bully or that you actually cared about pain your bullying behavior is causing. It likely wouldn't be enough alone to push me back all the way to "and I'm done right now." But it will push me to wary distrust wanting nothing from you if you're going to choose to be a bully and set me back on a course to figuring out when/how I'm going to cut ties including putting the inner bond to sleep. This is entirely in your hands and will be ENTIRELY your fault if you decide to re-engage in any of the bullying behaviors of the past to shatter this tranquility.

The fragile is the part you should be paying attention to. This is yours to destroy.

And that's not an exaggeration. That's a VERY straightforward and honest analysis of my inner state and how fragile things really still are with me for Eric over the band instagram account having me blocked and the way that that has been handled up to now.

Oh,  and fragile healing IS the right way to describe what's been going on within me over the last week as things get clearer right now so all I hear echoing inside me is Eric's love promising things are getting better than they've been in the stillness while there's nothing agitating things making the poisons worse. It is definitely a delicate but definitely healing inside me that's happening.

It could all too easily be broken,  but so far it's not. What is done with it next is unknown to me, but it is absolutely a fragile healing bringing a desire for rapprochement and greater healing.  At least that's what's happening inside me right now. And the longer it lasts without being broken, the stronger that small spark of hope grows now it's not under the weight of all the toxicity and "I can do no more, all I can do now is leave this situation" defeatism. It's a fragile healing, but it grows stronger the longer it is allowed to flourish and isn't crushed....

Took down the last post as it gave too much away that isn't mine to tell.....

But long story short, there's family shit going down again, not in my parents/sister nuclear family but in my extended family that I'm incredibly close to, that the drama all reached an insane climax last night and is why i was sad this afternoon and made me cry for an hour or so..... There's little I can do, I don't think there's ANY making this right even from the limited amount I know, but my goal here is to make things as much better as they could be to not go down the worst case scenarios....and there are some really devastating worst case scenarios here.

And none of that sad has anything to do with Eric or anyone in his family or anyone in the band or even anyone making me feel bad about anything related to interactions with members of the band/official band account choices. My sad had nothing to do with any of them....but given the way karmic empath bonds work both directions as open and strong an empath as each is to receive it, if he was paying attention then I know even if he couldn't hear my sad as loud as I hear his emotions my sorrowing would have been echoing inside Eric. And given how things are/have been....I imagine that would have been worrying... And that was the whole point of my post....Was realizing that while I was so sad and talking with people I love dearly who are hurting so, the echoes of my sadness might have made him worry and overthink.....And I didn't want to do that to him -- poor boy's been through and still going through enough without laying that on him unnecessarily.

I have talked to all the people I can talk to who will let me in to help with their hurting. I know where I stand and my goals and course of actions and will be reaching out to people as I can to heal what I can and try to nudge things as best I can down the better paths.... But it's a heartbreaking mess all around the way it happened...and it involves some strong volatile temperaments so i fear it could all get real fucked up real fast if people get vindictive instead of recognizing everyone is coming from a place of pain due to injured love so trying to hurt other people because you're hurting is a bad course of action.. And I just ache and am grieving for the hurt of 5 family members who I love dearly.....

But I'm as good as I can be on it. They hurt, I can feel their hurt inside me. And nothing I can do about any of it til the fullness of time lets me know how much or little they'll open up to me let me help gently guide this down better paths than it's currently heading.

 If I get quiet here, especially if you hear me hurting or sad on the inside, just assume it's about things that aren't my story to tell and i'm quiet because my heart is grieving over other tragedies. I'll let you know if anything happens to upset things with me, personally, and anyone's relationship with me. promise! It wouldn't hurt if you were in the mood to be extra kind or compassionate or give me happy surprises or just try to be aware of not making things worse -- but know that quiet (even if I'm hurting inside and sad) isn't about you or Eric or any of his family unless I tell you straight up something has upset me there. K?  Because I likely WILL get quiet here even while hurting/grieving inside (same as I was while helping with Shauna) and the timing IS rough with recent everything. But I promise that right NOW, all I feel is the intense love light from Eric drowning so much else out (including helping to quiet the hurting from my loved ones -- thank you for helping quiet that by flooding me with something louder and brighter and stronger) and my slow cautious healing and trying to be open to trusting there's a better ways forward to heal/fix things with Eric and everyone.  I don't EXPECT that to change or get wobbly in me, but if it does I'll tell you. Just don't assume my quiet and hurting/grieving inside is about any of that unless I tell you it is.

I could use a really really long hug and some lovebug snuggles as I navigate this. But is what it is.  And my sister and brother-in-law are trying to get me to commit to when I'm coming to Seattle for some sensible non-drama llamas and sillies. As my sister said, "because nothing says calm and soothing like living with two toddlers."

AND, Mikaela came in at like 5pm so I got to spend time with her!!! (I also get to spend all day tomorrow with her! She'll be getting dropped off by her om around 8:30 or so. And Friday! Unless I end up with other family...) So after all that and acknowledging with my maman that we'd talk more later when other people not there, Mikaela and I curled up on the sales floor couch with a blankey and books and tea and my dog snuggled up between us for a couple hours to ease my heart of its aching.

ALSO!!! Another brilliant surprise gift from the Universe tonight after all that extra  heartache and hurting and my promises to do the best I can to keep reminding everyone that what matters most is the love for the littleun and her mental health and psychological well-being so not to do anything that would longterm hurt her....

Mikaela was commiserating with me tonight that she has also run out of her boxes of Warrior's Brew Tea because she knows how upset I have been over it. So that started Sarah saying how she needed to order more and I told her good luck as it's been "out of stock" on the Native American tea Company site for 6 months. (This is is why I asked her to buy me more when they were on family vacation in South Dakota in July. And I'm so grateful she was able to find it and bring me some back!!!!) So Sarah found a couple places selling it for about $5 a box, including a store they visited on their vacation. I told her to err on the side of bulk just in case. (A box only has 12 teabags in it. $3.50-$4 is typical when I find it places.)

So then my mom joined in the hunt for this tea for Mikaela and me at a cheaper price while Mikaela and I were reading on the couch. found it was on 40% off clearance at Cherokee Publications which is a delightful native owned and operated store that I didn't know about before tonight!! We bought all 19 boxes that they had available at my urging to err on the side of purchasing too much not too little. And then we found some other lovelies on the clearance section my maman ordered!!

I'm super excited at some of the books they have available! I will DEFINITELY be going on a book shopping splurge there sooooon as my budget feels it can handle it for books not on clearance that I desperately want after browsing through their site!!! (which likely won't be til after the holidays, lol.)

AND Mikaela and I now have 19 boxes of Warrior's Brew Tea to divvy up between us (well, maybe we'll let the moms have a box or two -- but only so we have reserves to plunder when we drink up all of ours, lol) before we run out of it have to start hunting it down again!!!

And I'm SOOOOO excited to have discovered Cherokee Publications!!!!!!! You have no idea how ecstatic it makes me and just how much money I wish to spend there on books before even looking at other areas!!!!!!!!!! O I'm so delighted at this find on my manan's part!!!!!  We may have to order more tea elsewhere as it currently says they have -16 in stock so maybe they oversold/multiple sold.... But so long as I have some tea and we can look elsewhere for it. AND now I know that Cherokee Publications exists!!!! And it makes my heart so happy (even while it's breaking and I hurt -- it's possible to be happy and sad and hurting and healing over different things all at once) and I'm so excited to spend my money there!!!! When I feel like I have the money to spend, lol.

some thoughts whilst laying in bed watching the sunrise

I can't promise I won't get everything all confused again if things start getting me agitated and upset.  I probably will. My response to pain is usually a weird combination of trying to stoic through it if I have no choice and a panicky flight response to adding more pain on top of the load I'm already bearing.  But right now, things are very clear and luminous in me. And so I'd like to share what that feels like.

1) The state of of things where there's the constant bullying, even when the bullying is accidental, is not a state that can be allowed to continue because of how toxic it is.
2) If I'm the only one capable or willing to act to change things, my only recourse is to leave the situation.
3) The thought of walking away and shutting down dormant the bond to Eric guts me and is my last ditch defeat of me not able to do anything else to stop pumping more poisons into the relationship.
4) There is a silver lining to me having to do that path in that it would free me to be with other men without feeling I was being unfair to them -- and if things are going to only be so very toxic with Eric than I need to accept looking elsewhere for my future happiness.
5) I don't want that sort of freedom though. Not unless you make me.
6) There remains trust issues, especially around me trusting that Eric wouldn't knowingly do things to hurt me or to allow the rationalizing of other people to make him okay with doing things I've said explicitly will cause me hurt.
7) Even with the trust issues, I still want him more than I want anyone or anything else.
8) When I hurt, I want to turn to him and his voice and his words for comfort. It makes my hurting worse when I can't.
9) When he's hurting, all I want to do is make it better. In whatever ways, big or small, I can.
10) Above all else, even my own happiness, I want him to have whatever happiness it is he seeks. And when things get this messy and toxic, I get to feeling that I must be in the way of his happiness.
11) It still eviscerates me when I replay the memories of the few times I was able to look at him in Ann Arbor and at the end of the Minneapolis show. Reliving what it was like feeling inside me what he was going through is even worse than the memories of his face while he lived through that.
12) I can't make the way he was suffering there better if I continue to be hurt and poisoned by what happened and thus triggered by every little thing surrounding it. Either that has to be healed or I have to leave so he can't see me that way.
13) Deep down, I think me leaving and him losing me will put him back into that inner space for a very very long time. Just because I wouldn't see it or feel it on the inner bond doesn't mean it wouldn't be his truth.
14) I don't know how to solve this, but whatever way I choose it will always be the course I believe will cause him the least long-term harm even if it I know it might hurt for a time.
15) I could be wrong in my analysis of what will harm him the most long-term. Especially as I do tend to undervalue how much me and my happiness matter to him. Which fucks up any assessment I make of worst harm to him long-term.
16) Even when I've been on my most hell bent stubborn "I need to put the bond to sleep and remove points of contact for everyone's sake," there's no time that in trying to fall asleep my soul doesn't yearn for his and I wish that I was falling asleep in his arms.
17) I really cannot do anything to even weaken the flow on the bond when it's as strongly alive full of his love light as it's been for the last week. Even if I could convince myself it was necessary and the best thing, I haven't the strength to do it while he's flooding the bond like this.
18) I can't precog even contingent precogs (let alone immutable precogs) until the choices that set those paths in motion have been made. I can page through potential future paths, but until those choices are made, there are sometimes nearly infinite permutations. I can't precog the future, as regards Eric or Dave or any man, til the choices involving me and Eric are settled.
19) I have no idea if those choices are his or mine. I just know that the coin's still in the air on whatever choice(s) determine the path of fate on this. And until those choices are made, I will have no precogs about it.
20) Right now, in this place of inner peace and clarity without the constant agitation, my only sadness and hurting is a) when Eric is sad/hurting over all this mess we've made of things and b) when I remind myself this is a reprieve but not a promise this gets fixed and I might still have to return to how agitated and toxic everything was and a course where I have to knowingly sever contacts with Eric (and his band.)
21) The more time I spend surrounded by and feeling pour into my third eye his love light, the harder it is to even think about ever giving it up. And the softer it makes all my hard edges and the less I can feel anything but my own love light shining towards him and my desire to weave our lives ever closer together.
22) I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know if it's a love verges into co-dependency. I don't know if it's our karma to heal each other's brokenness (especially the brokenness we've each put in the other) by being together loving each other or if it's our karma that we need to learn by hard knocks not to love any part of creation more than the rest. I just know I want him more than I want anything else except for my wanting him to be happy with the happiness he seeks......
23) I don't know how the fallout of Britt's choices and behaviors over the past just over a year will affect any future relationship between Eric and me or between Brittany and me.  Especially if she remains too proud to even admit to herself how terribly she fucked up and did wrong in all this..... But I don't know as it will be up to her and her choices.
24) I know that regardless of any tension or lack of trust or coolness between her and me, the fact we both love Eric and don't want to see him hurting is common ground we can agree on. And it gives us a foundation to move forward on trying to at least achieve that common goal.
25) That means him being as transparently honest as he can be as to what he wants and what makes him happiest and what will hurt him be toxic for him (from either of us) is the best way for him to move forward with the both of us to neutralize the harm both she and I are capable of doing in this situation without that litmus we can both agree on.


All these things I'm sure of and see clearly right now.

I can't promise how long that will stay true other than to promise it will all stay clear in me as long as there's nothing agitating things bringing all that the girls' actions sowed into this relationship back to the surface to poison everything, til I feel trapped again between a bad choice and a worse choice in light of the toxicity destroying everything..... But I don't know how long it will be before things slide back to the way they were and have been over the last year, and especially over the last few months. It might not go back to that way ever, but I'm not willing to be an optimist on that without some real hard evidence that it won't. There's too much hurt for me if it does go back to that, and even worse hurt in me if I let myself trust it's changed only to be blindsided by it all returning to that way it was... and until there's something tangible I can believe means real change for the better,  while most of me is basking in this love and light and joy soaking it up,  there's still a part of my head that's cautious and cringing waiting for the smackdown when all this idyllic wonderful state of grace shatters back into the cold hard reality of what it was for the last nearly 13 months now..... And I can't help that,  can't give complete faith that it's truly changed while I know how easily it could all fall apart revert back to exactly how it's been....

Still,  I don't even have words for how glorious this week has been having his love light pouring into me this strongly and steadily. How healing it's been for me. And how deeply I desire to have it for keeps.

Last night, at like 3am or so, Eric shared a song called No Need in his stories and I keep going back to it and rewatching it while I can. And the thing is that even though he's so sad playing it and the verses are really hard hit home a little too real, there's something in it that I found strangely comforting. Between the guitar part and the repetitiveness of the chorus being just the words "there's no need" it felt almost like a lullaby, like having someone pet my hair and tell me it'll be okay because it doesn't need to be that way for always, it'll all be okay in the end. And I don't know if that's how he meant it, but that's how it hit me. Made me cry, but a good cry. A cathartic cry -- because, as I said before, something in the song and the place he was singing it from felt like having someone stroke my hair tell me it'll be alright. And it was really soothing, even the crying was soothing and healing.

And I think. I maybe ought to consider the fact that I have been habitually and continuously wrong about how much I mean to him. So I should absolutely consider the possibility as very real that hoping I'd watch is what made his intense excited light about going live (which is what made me check my phone so I saw it change right as soon as he started it) that I felt slowly darken into something heavy and bitter and disappointed inside him.  I shouldn't dismiss it so easily as if it weren't even a possibility. Because it might seem improbable to my ego, but it's certainly not impossible. And as atypical as everything about the connection and love between us is, I should absolutely consider that it might be his truth that it's because of me not joining the live that he went from so much light to so hurt across the course of his late night.

Of course it could be someone and something else entirely different with nothing at all to do with me. But I need to at least be open to acknowledging the possibility of my part in it. Because, if I truly want him to have the happiness he seeks and I WANT to see him all alight full of love and hope, then I need to consider my own agency and responsibility if I am any part of his happiness he seeks. I can't just say I want him to be happy but then absolve myself of being any part of his happiness. Not if he needs me as an integral part of it.

Both he and I need to take responsibility acknowledge how the things we do impact the happiness of the other. Because really, I genuinely believe that neither of us want to be a source of hurt and pain to each other. I genuinely want him to have every single bit of the happiness he seeks. And that requires me trying to look at it clearly to acknowledge where I fit into that -- and that I take responsibility for it so I don't hurt him by telling myself that I can't hurt him or that I'm no part of his happiness.

And that means I can't just tell myself or other people that my ego isn't so big as to pretend he wanted me there. Because if he did specifically hope and desire I'd come watch as a means of trying to help make things better remind me of the good there, then I just compound it to make even more hurt by saying I don't believe I could have been a source of his hurt....And I don't want to be guilty of heaping more hurt on him. I know that people will have the capacity to be hurt as deeply as they love, but I'd rather hurt him as little as possible and focus on the love and building that love if there's anything there to build.

That's what I think after some further self-reflection tonight.  That it's not enough to want him to be happy and to want to make his hurting better, but that I need to take the responsibility of realizing I could hurt him so I can work on not being a source of hurts to him. Especially if I'm going to ask him to try not to be a source of hurts to me. That's what I think.

O to be quite clear!

I was disappointed in the Packers game even if it was what i expected given how indomitable the 49ers defense is this season and I was annoyed/frustrated with my dad when he wouldn't stop talking over the music during our figure skating and I was absolutely disappointed at the timing that Eric went live while I was at my parents house and thus unable to watch (as opposed to like tonight when I'm just at work with the dog and there's nothing in the way of me watching) and I'm disappointed that because he has an iphone, his lives no longer stay up to be watched later like they used to unless they're on IGTV. But I'm in no way disappointed or hurt or upset with Eric himself over any of that. It's not his fault he was moved to do it while I was busy at my parents house and I don't have such an ego as to assume he was there for my benefit or in the hopes I personally would watch. (I mean I would have been there if I'd not been at my parents house watching sports with my mom, but I was so I didn't get to watch it.)  I do wish I knew what had caused his emotional slide during it (unlike stories and live feeds, the bond isn't something I can miss experiencing or mute at my convenience -- it's always on. I always know whatever he's feeling. I may not know WHY he's feeling that way, but I always know THAT he's feeling that way.) But I'm not disappointed or frustrated or upset or anything negative toward Eric right now. It was just one more thing that didn't go as I'd have liked last night since I'd have liked to have been able to watch it, but that's not his fault. Being in any way shape or form disappointed or upset with him is no part of any of it. Promise!

And at least my dog didn't die on that chicken bone my dad dropped last night. So there's that. I'd be an absolute wreck if my dog had died.... vet bills I could have somehow figured out paying, but it's better we didn't have to explore that road. And yes, my dog IS 12.5 years old. And yes I should be mentally preparing for her death because dogs have such shorter lives than humans generally do.... but she's the first animal I've ever had who was just mine and I'm going to be inconsolable, an absolute wreck, whenever she dies. Really I'd rather not think about it.

Last night,  the Packers lost by a lot were lucky to get any points on the board, Eric went live (on his instagram account) and I wanted to watch but couldn't because I was still at my parents house watching dvred figure skating, it wasn't left up for 24 hours - missing it just meant not seeijg it at all, my da came on and wouldn't shut up talking over the skating, AND then my dog nearly died when my dad dropped a massive shoulder blade bone from the rotisserie chicken he decided to eat and she wouldn't drop it just tried to swallow it whole til ai ran to the kitchen to pry her mouth open and massage her throat force her to cough the damn thing up.....  Truth is it waa a big enough bone if she didn't choke on it and die, as a cooked chicken bone it would likely have punctured her intestines and that would have meant emergency surgery at the vet and at 12.5 years old,  surgery would have been risky.

And then I got home said,  "fuck it.   I'm gonna go to bed to end this frustrating  disappointment of a night" at like 1am. Only i was soul tired not body tired,  so I couldn't sleep - waa rolling around so much both the dog and cat left the bed to go find somewhere else to sleep. And then at about 3am, sat bolt upright knowing Eric had gone back online so grabbed my phone saw that he'd just posted a story of a new (or at least new to me)  song.

It was a beautiful  song,  but sad. During his live,  I'd felt on the bond him go from happy shiny love to a low point of bitterness and disappointment. I'm not certain why,  I couldn't watch it right then at my parents house watching figure skating (or if I did I'd have had to watch it with him muted)  so I don't know why I felt those emotions from him.....  I often don't know why,  only know is.....  But the song no need was beautiful and sad and he was even deeper in his sadness during it.  It made me cry and made me want to just wrap my arms around him and hug him in a bear hug refuse to let go and just lean into him and say,  "you're right.  There's no need for all this mess of hurting.  Let's move forward some other way love,  not more of this mess." but I was here and he was there nearly 1,000 miles away and so nothing I could do but rewatch it and feel my desire to just hold him and agree and ask him what he'd like us to choose instead moving forward.....

I didn't sleep til like 4 after all...didn't sleep well at all.... But i still have that same feeling and intense need to just hold him and agree that we find a way through without all this unnecessary hurting.  And I still just want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and hug him as tightly as possible not let him go and just burrow into his chest stay right there til everything feels like it's right and we'll make the future good and right not more of the mess of hurting..... This morning at urgent need to just hold him and feel his realness in my arms is even stronger than it was...more than anything else,  what I desire most and most urgently need is to wrap my arms around him hold Eric in a big tight loving bear hug and refuse to let him go til we both feel only hope and joy and gratitude and the seeds of a better way forward unfurling inside us.

That said,  all the clips from the kickstarter instalives I was not allowed to be part of shared yesterday/today on rideordiehards account being used in the "what are you grateful for" is DEFINITELY setting my hackles up and pushing me back towards upset about the way that was posted everywhere, nobody answering me about having been blocked so hosting it there was VERY problematic bullying exclusionary of fans,  and all my feelings about Eric knowing I was blocked on the band's instagram account and him choosing to go live there being knowingly complicit in the bullying stating specifically that he'd be the one hosting the live on the band's account.

Just the ones this morning are raising the sleeping hurt from that and setting in motion all the poisons that that set of choices/actions released in me,  eroding and destroying everything it touches inside me.....

And that's just how truly fragile is any peace I find or desire of mine to heal without seeing through the harder work of addressing the sources of the poisons.... And there's nothing I can do to heal or fix that fragility. It's an effect of the bullying that occurred - and even without new instances of it,  being reminded of the past ones will start them poisoning things all over so long as this isn't addressed and dealt with properly.....

I'm gonna go make a cuppa tea and read and wonder why I put myself through this,  why I keep letting myself open up again to being hurt this same way by them.....

1) I can't hang on to my anger at all if there's nothing reigniting it. Never been able to. Same with my hurt. I'm just not good at carrying negative emotions, not unless new ones are being created.   My ability to stay upset over the past fades if there's nothing present opening it anew.  And with nothing from the band or any of the members re-opening it right now, I find myself inclined to want a better not so reactiomary way forward. And I find myself wanting to hear what the new music sounds like, if nothing else. Wanting to forgive. Wanting to try to heal the mess and try again.

I know this is likely only a temporary reprieve, an armistice not a peace, while there's nothing needling me reminding me making things worse. And I know that nothing has been altered or fixed and this peaceful quiet won't hold and if nothing has changed by the time that happens then it'll go back to constantly agitating me making things worse.  But without that constant agitation, without the constant relational bullying, this is what lies beneath it.

When you stop muddying the waters and you let it all settle to be clear, what I want is a way forward where there isn't constantly a reminder of pain AND where I don't have to give up the music I have loved so terribly much.

I don't know if that way forward exists or can be manifested into existence. But it's what I want.

2) It's very hard on me, knowing how upset Eric is by his realization of how bad this is and how deeply he fucked up. It comes in waves from him. And it's strong. Not as strong as his love light is right now, but sometimes strong enough to drown out almost all else. Sometimes strong enough to make me feel like I can't breathe because I'm drowning in his sadness and anger at himself for letting this happen and reach this point. I genuinely don't think he realized or believed me til he saw it for himself on my face and in my eyes last week....  My instinct whenever I see him sad or upset is to want to make it better, to want to hug him not let go til I feel the tension release in him or to kiss him til he's smiling instead of frowning.

This is directly at odds with my head saying that me leaving the situation is the best I can do by everyone with the options I have open to me. Especially when he's so very clear that me leaving is how I could hurt him worst of all -- given how badly me not even able to look at him hurt him, I can only imagine what it would do to him for me to go and make even the bond unreachable for him.

The conflict between my logic and my instinct makes it very hard for me to know what I ought to do in this situation.  When I don't know if I ought to trust my head or my instincts, when I don't know what is best by me and best by him.

I wonder if he even knows.

3) I think from what I've been observing in recent months, Dave finally broke up with Diana.  This removes my internal "don't even think of him as an option,  he's with someone else" barrier.  Which doesn't mean I expect anything in the short term -- he's got a lot to work out around how manipulative she was and what a number that did on him. But it does mean that sooner rather than later the question of should that bond be active or not becomes more than academic. It becomes about more than just "is this giving me more pleasure or more pain?" It becomes about how I can't knowingly say yes to Dave without having the bond dormant so I can give him a chance with my heart not conflicted pulled elsewhere. To do so would be unfair to him (or anyone.) Which means I need to have this all sorted out within myself so I can decide what to say when I get to that point. And it's not an immediate concern, he's headed to Japan on tour for a bit and I won't be seeing him again til January.

But it is something now that can potentially affect someone else, someone other than just me and Eric. And it's something I need to have sorted and ready to put the bond to sleep if that's what I decide is best for everyone before I get to the point where I'd have to answer Dave on this.

4) I'm getting close to the inner place where I'm ready to give the recording of Take Me There a fair listen. I loaded it into my library tonight while loading in some other music.

5) I'm trying to figure out if I'm getting too winter skinny (I always lose weight in the wintertime, and no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I fatten up across the summer) again or just so pale and sad and distant that my parents are worrying about me. Tonight my da stayed late working (it's crazy at the store due to end of Windows 7 approaching at the end of the year. I grew up in a family business, a computer sales and repair shop older than me. -- but it started off as a typewriter sales and repair shop in my grandparents' basement. I just sort of fell into working here without having anything else that I wanted to do with my life and this allows for my wandering and my introversion and in recent years my migraine difficulties. And I have plenty of things to do and I set my own hours and I'm allowed to bring my dog in (they even watch her when I drop her off and leave) and I have over 100 plants inside and the garden bed outside that I get paid to take care of. I ended up working here by inertia and lack of focused "this is what I want" on my part.)  Anyway, my papa was working late and when i showed up around 5:30, within moments of me coming in the door he asked what i was planning to do for dinner and insisted he was hungry and he was buying. When I didn't know, he hesitantly suggested Thai food "from wherever you order it." My da doesn't like Thai food, doesn't like any curries from anywhere. He'll eat and enjoy chicken satay, but there's other things he likes better.  I love Thai food. This was him trying to get me excited and to get me to eat something he knows I love. I mean, it worked. At least enough for me to get surface level happy and thank him and put on a smile playing with the dogs while he was here. But he didn't want thai food, probably hadn't actually been hungry yet at the time he insisted. It was him saying he needed to eat wondering if I had to make sure I ate and then him suggesting something he knows I love to try to get a smile and a spark of enthusiasm from me. 

Also. Completely unrelated to anything whatsoever in my recent posts...  I really really love the look of these floating shelves!!

I mean REALLY love them!!!  😍

As in,  they belong in my kitchen as shelves for tea or cookbooks or spices pr all of the above! And as shelving in bathrooms. And anywhere that floating shelves rather than bookcases and artwork belong. But definitely in the kitchen!!!

They also look remarkably easy once you see how they fit together.  Well,  easy except thet gorgeous precision joinery.  (I have a thing for pretty woodgrains/raw edges and precision joinery. Like,  really bad.  More than finishes or specific shapes/styles (so long as it has an internal balance) what really gets me in woodwork is woodgrains and raw edges and joinery and the precision craftsmanship put into it.  That said,  not being a woodworker,  my tastes are habitually outside my budget...)

But c'mon.  Isn't this floating shelf design just gorgeous in its simplicity of zen balance and Escher-esque mildly surrealist with the shapes it makes?! And other than the joinery on the partial cubes,  they're really not too tricky.  As long as you don't fuck up your cuts or measurements like an amateur.  😉 (okay but I am an amateur so my teasing is just that.  And anyway,  I'd take a thousand times fucking up just to have what I want.)

1) My hair had absolutely perfect Botticelli curls tonight. And nobody to appreciate it but my dog. Why? Because curls do what they want and my hair never curls the same way twice.....

It's ridiculous for it to be like this given I didn't do anything different from usual - just washed it let it air dry AND I'm in terrible need of a haircut -- I have absolutely terrible split ends right now and it definitely is causing the curls to get caught on each other so I don't have much curl at all for me and I won't til I snip off those split ends. The question is, will I leave it long just get a trim and relayer it OR should I cut it short again and go for a curly bob in honor of entering the roaring 20s 2.0 (à la Queenie in the first Fantastic Beasts movie -- but I'm not bleaching it. Spent too much of my last life bleaching my hair, I've never even dyed it or desired to dye it this life, lol. Just cut like that.) Been a hot minute since I last chopped it all off, and it grows so fast it can be long again whenever I decide I want it long. But, I do love my tangled mane of curls -- it's how it's been most of my life this life. Especially with how fast it grows.

AND it's ridiculous because I'm not spending time tonight with anyone but my dog and all my plants at work -- working late into the wee hours/early morning with my dog because i didn't feel up to seeing people for more than a short interaction coming into work right before close to have a short overlap with everyone before they left today. (I self isolate when upset. Which is unhealthy but it's how I deal until I get my emotions under control. It's because as an empath, I can feel when my emotional state brings other people down, and so then it just makes me hurt worse when I upset people I care about who aren't able to help make me happier feel better. Its' also because putting on a false front, a smile and a surface glitter of my usual shininess takes a lot out of me when I'm unhappy grieving underneath it. The combination of feeling when I bring people down disappoint them AND the drain on me to put out my energy than I'm renewing in me are the reasons I self-isolate. There are a very few people I like to be around when I'm upset, they're all the people who renew me with  their presence, which is a rare thing for an introvert to find.  It's also why I can't do anything about the sadness in my eyes. Sorry, but it just is. And it will remain that way, even if I hide it in my eyes most of the time I'm around people, until I find a better way out or until I have to see through my best option I can find on my own then heal up from what that choice will cost.)


2) I'm really excited that Rodrigo y Gabriela are in town tonight, but I LOATHE that Frank Productions (the local event promotions company that's been here forever) sold out to live nation an almost controlling share and part of the deal was to move everything they promote AND the major venues they own to Ticketmaster. So The Orpheum, the Majestic, AND the newest venue of theirs they built in the last year or so The Sylvee are all Ticketmaster. Which means that the fees for buying a pair of tickets is now $26. Making my $70 for two gen ad tickets total $96.60 after all the taxes and fees. (At least they're REAL gen ad, not fake gen ad due to the stupid VIP thing that's all the rage of Nashville and L.A. artists. I don't actually dislike the VIP thing as far as a "fans will pay for a smaller intimate set" and I would and I have SO LONG AS VIP DOES NOT INCLUDE EARLY ACCESS FOR THE SHOW. See, the point of gen ad shows, historically, and where that scene comes from is a big eff you to tiered price levels and as an early part of the punk scene was about the democratizing of music.   The point is if you want to be front row, you don't have to have more money to be there -- you stand out front and you wait. It means if you're barely busting your ass to make ends meet you can still be up front. It means if you're a teenager scraped the money for the show together and your parents dropped you off you can be up front.  By letting VIP people get in early instead of standing in queue, you're commodifying love and you are making it so the ONLY people who will ever be in that front row are those who paid extra money. It means that NOBODY who has a hard time just affording the show but who loves you dearly will ever be front row at those shows. It means that someone who wants to be front row now has to pay this extra bit -- and that means if money's tight they won't buy a shirt which would have repped you beyond the show and given them endless opportunities to tell everyone who asks just how wonderful you are. but mostly, I dislike them when they allow people in to the gen ad area BEFORE DOORS because it undermines EVERYTHING that a gen ad club show stands for. It makes it about who can spend the money, not who loves you. And that's wrong. You shouldn't penalize people for being too poor to pay for an extra set on top of the ticket price. That's not fair. It's why even if I can afford it and I desire to see that acoustic set, ANY VIP that allows people in for the main show ahead of the queue at the door is one I will NEVER pay for or attend. On basic principles of right and wrong.  You don't penalize your diehard fans who stood in queue for poverty or a paycheck to paycheck job or or having a budget because they've had kids. That's wrong. VIP shows that allow the VIPs to be in the gen ad area before doors open are fundamentally wrong and breed elitism and unfairly punish those who can't afford more than the gen ad tickets which SHOULD have been first come first serve but suddenly aren't.)

Anyway, I digressed down another pet peeve rant of mine in the modern music industry -- something that is divisive instead of inclusive and is going to kill the markets FAST. But Ticketmaster fees to buy your tickets online are now $26 for a gen ad show. Fuck that. That's almost a third ticket..... Play historic old opera houses and theatres and smaller clubs (like High Noon Saloon) where the money at least goes into building renovations. But fuck Ticketmaster venues and their exorbitant fees. It doesn't even go to the artists or their booking team or the venue itself -- it just goes directly into the pockets of Ticketmaster and the promoters. Well fuck that bullshit.

I may go to The Sylvee tomorrow and see if it's a venue that can let us bypass the Ticketmaster fees by buying with cash at the window.... Some do and some don't. I really want to see Rodrigo y Gabriela again, but they come play Summerfest nearly every year, and $26 in fees is absolutely ludicrous........ Fucking mental.

AND. Because Live Nation bought an almost controlling share of Frank Productions, any venues that want to work with them have to go through Ticketmaster and any venues that refuses to use Ticketmaster can't bring in any artists with contracts or affiliations to Live Nation. So basically, all the mid sized venues (except Barrymore on the east side) are now ONLY for signed artists (and they'll cost your fans nearly an extra ticket in ticketmaster fees) and no indie artists can even get booked now in their venues if they don't go through the "proper" channels of FPC/Live Nation AND meanwhile the other venues who have refused to go to Ticketmaster can't get anyone who's signed to anyone now because the labels all have contracts with Live Nation for promotions. Which means that the venues like Barrymore and High Noon Saloon are having a HARD time getting people in that will bring an audience or they have a hard time promoting shows can only rely on word of mouth and fans are being forced to drive to other cities to see artists who can't get in venues here they used to play because of the Live Nation buyout of FPC. And when fans DO get artists coming to Madison, by forcing them to pay the excessive ticketmaster fees, it means that fans on a budget of ANY sort can now only go to 1/2 to 2/3 the concerts they USED to be able to afford. And they're spending the same amount on concerts, but not seeing nearly as many, not fiscally able to give unknown artists a chance,  AND all that money is being diverted now from the bands and the venues to just fatten the wallets of a very bloated system of middlemen. This loss of available venues has been going on in music scenes for about 8 years now, across the US and across the UK, but it's only gotten this bad here in Madison since the Frank family caved to the merger proposed by Live Nation 2 years ago.

Everyone's so busy talking about how Taylor Swift going indie is going to shine a spotlight on indie musicians (it won't. She isn't even indie, just switched labels. And this is just her latest celebrity feud trying to show her power by working at ruining the life/career of someone who ticked her off once. It's kinda her pattern. Like, from the start. It's what she's BUILT her entire career on. This is just one more iteration of the exact same pattern.) But if you're not paying attention to the indie VENUES across the nation and treating the venues as your allies, you'll find that five years from now there simply won't be anywhere for indie artists to PLAY other than historic/niche venues managing to barely stay afloat with donations and house shows and small art galleries. Indie musicians and indie venues need to stand together NOW and not be trying to steal revenues from each other before they're completely pushed out of what remains of the concert market by the major labels/live nation/ticketmaster acquisition coup of small to midsized venues going on right under everyone's noses.

Seriously though. Open your eyes and pay attention to what's going on with the venues and the production companies in local areas that had previously worked with any booking agent but are rapidly being acquired by Live Nation and Ticketmaster. It's even dirtier and has longer lasting ramifications than all my rants these last 10 years about iHeart radio and Sirius XM acquiring up local indie radio stations across the country..... Protect your venues. It needs to be a cross genre philosophical shift on this to support your indie venues as allies not enemies for the spending money the concertgoers have for the night -- because if you don't do it, then in five years, you and other indie/upcoming artists will have nowhere to play that can cover your cost of getting to/from the shows on tour....In the music industry today, your allies are other indie artists and the venues and the fanbase -- stop trying to extort money from each other at the expense of everyone else and start thinking of it as a family where everyone wants everyone to succeed. Because if you go the cutthroat ego driven "me and mine are all that matter" route then you end up with no more scenes to play and fans without any money to come to your shows because they spent as much as an extra ticket in fees to greedy middleman monopolies. You do the dirty work of the studios and the middle men who insist they're needed. And fuck being their stooge and selling out your allies in a pique of selfishness, y'know?

But right now, the venues are failing. And those that aren't closed are under the concurrent pressures of not getting enough acts or selling out to the Live nation/Ticketmaster consortium or closing their doors. Help the venues. And talk to your fans about the importance of supporting local indie venues EVEN WHEN you're not the ones playing there. Seriously. It really REALLY fucking matters. That's the current frontlines of saving any sort of indie music scene to last more than 5 years -- and ain't nobody talking about it. We may be down to less than 3 years to turn this tide... It's hard for me to say, I see how it's headed without this change but I don't know how long we have before the battle is lost with too many sellouts or closed venues....

Also. Fucking $26 in fees for 2 tickets, each ticket $35. It's 1 drink price short the cost of another ticket. I checked, it's the same fees for $25 tickets -- where the fees then become literally more than the ticket itself. Is that really the fucking music industry we want to live and love in?! This is bigger than a mob cut on this monopoly they're building......

3) Sagittarius is so often touted as the chaotic runaway freedom seeking breaking up with everyone independence sign. But the funny thing is, since Venus moved into Sag and now the sun is in Sag, I've felt LESS like running away than I have since end of August (probably since end of last October when all of this trouble started and I spent nearly 6 months pushing Eric away from reaching me via the bond and keeping it quelled as much as possible without him even knowing why from me.)   My every instinct right now is to desire everyone lays all their cards out in full honesty/vulnerability so we can all be on the same page and say, "Alright now let's find an answer that can make everyone happy" because I'm certain there MUST be a way through to that.if everyone just gets real and painfully honest.

But I guess it's not that surprising. Pop astrology talks about Sag as wanting to be free and independent. But it's more accurately the sign of the truth seeking philosopher, and you may manifest that as choosing freedom over lies but what you're truly seeking is the truth.

I say this as a Sag stellium. And a Scorpio stellium. (Modern stellium, 3 planets in a sign means stellium, not 4) even with none of those placements in my sun (Libra) or rising (Pisces) or moon (Capricorn.) Actually, all the planets in fire signs in my chart are in Sagittarius.... Including Mars. But quite seriously, all the fire in me is in Sag (3), all the air in Libra (2), all the earth in Capricorn (2), and all the water except my rising being Pisces (1) is in Scorpio (3).... But if you're into the house system,  my stelliums look quite different being 8th house and 10th house stelliums due to where my houses divvy up the signs.... This makes for 2 Cardinal earth, 2 cardinal air, 3 fixed water, and 3 mutable fire with 1 mutable water.  Lot of emphasis on truth seeking and fairness in my weirdly balanced chart....

But seriously. I've never felt LESS like running in the last year than I do right now. I'm scared I might have to, that I might not find a better way out moving forward. But it's been about 13 months now since I've felt so certain that there HAS to be a better answer and that me trying to quiet the bond put it to sleep and run away sever all contacts is an absolutely TERRIBLE solution with long lasting repercussions I haven't even yet considered because I didn't want to think about it.

I dunno how we get to a better answer...but there has to be a way to it. Right? There has to be.....

But then if I start to think maybe there isn't a better way out of this mess, well, that's what lays the sorrow on me so heavy.....

4) Okay but there's such a beautiful light and love pouring into me from him right now. He's still rather scared and anxious, especially of messing things up worse, but there's just so much love pouring in right now with him flooding the bond full strength. Trying to put it to sleep when it's like this is as impossible as trying to build the dam while the river is in flood overrunning all the normal cliffs that contain it. And how it keeps getting stronger and stronger right now every day that's passing is beyond me -- absolutely baffling.

And I can tell you that even if I were in an internal place where I felt ready to sever ties and try to put the bond to sleep (I'm not, I'm not at all anywhere close to that internal place right now -- and it would take a lot to push me to that edge in a month) there's nothing I could do and no one I know of who could do a damn thing to quiet this bond with it raging this full of love and light from him.

And, it doesn't feel like there's anything on heaven or earth would make him reduce his current levels of love and light and NEED to make sure that it reaches me and the bond is active. I could be wrong, but it certainly doesn't feel like there's a chance in Hell he'd let that happen. If the ship is going to sink he's going down fighting and making it clear as day EXACTLY what he wants and where his heart stands on this.

And honest. It's heady af. And so darling. And it makes me feel all soft weak in the knees starry eyed feeling all that coming from inside him so strongly. Even when he tries to fight it or tries to distract himself because he's worrying anxious that he might fuck it all up beyond any hope of salvaging somehow, what comes through stronger than anything else is all the love and light in him and his refusal to give up on that without a fight.

And....I didn't expect that. That was not a truth I considered in all my stuck in my head circling to figure out the best thing for me to do over these past months. I should have, but I didn't. And I'm sorry. I once again undervalued my own worth in his eyes and heart. I genuinely figured from everything I observed and the way he was behaving and not listening to me these last months that he was at a point not to care unduly over me severing ties and being done. That was genuinely the conclusion I drew from his choices and actions of late August/early September. And I was as wrong as I possibly could have been as to how it was going to hit him to see it was real not just hyperbolic grandstanding. And I'm sorry for my misread of Eric and his heart. Knowing his truth, it makes this all harder for me to be logical making the best decision for everyone, because my emotions are now all so keyed up and I can't hurt him as deeply as even the realization how fucked up this is to devastates him.

And I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry I misread his current truths and made assumptions that were so dead wrong.

All I've really got to cling to right now is that with the truth of his love and light so strong shining through to me, that there HAS to be a better solution than the only one I could find for what I felt my options were these last months.

But. I think. That's a better place than we've been in these recent months. Maybe even the last 13 months. It's getting closer to honest, closer to shared truths. Closer to where the love and light is brightest.

1) The incandescence and...purity... and focus of his love today was insane.... It would intermittently flash so strong and heady and bright it would make me feel light headed like drinking champagne through a straw after a fast. Just straight through the crown chakra shot to your brain giddiness and effervescent bubbles and so much light and love pouring in. I don't know that I've ever felt it quite the way it was in moments today....

2) It's been haunting me, seeing (and feeling so raw coming off him in waves) how he went from so excited happy to the crash of realization that it was really as bad as I'd said. To see how much hurt he had in Ann Arbor, and the bitter angry twist of pain in him in Minneapolis when he watched and felt the disconnect and the closing off and pulling away that he hadn't seen coming til it hit him like a freight train.....

It's one thing to intellectually know, "He's not going to like this" and it's one thing to expect as a theoretical that it's going to hurt him.... But seeing it, feeling the rawness of it? That's another beast. And I can't shake what I saw and felt roiling in him.... And. I. I can't knowingly do that to him. It was bad enough seeing him that way for a finite time -- I can't imagine knowingly putting him into that space and leaving him there day after day after day and week after week after week til however long it takes him to heal from it.

I can't do that to him. Whatever his mistakes, however much he should have known better than to cave to peer pressure and let himself become a part of the bullying....no matter how that hurts and disappoints me, I just can't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that.

And I can't do it, not if there's any other way. Any better solution to clean up this mess and fix this.

3) Today was another good day -- nothing that made things worse or put poisons in from what was never dealt with. (I mean, it was a quiet day. Across the board. It's hard to make things worse when you don't say anything at all. You can't make them better that way, but it does stop you from accidentally making things wore.)  Still. Without any new actions reviving the poisons damage, with how strong and constant and powerfully reassuring his love he's been feeling for me and pouring into me, and with me having seen how gutted he got at seeing how raw my pain and the effects of it him finally realizing he might actually lose me -- well this combination pulls me back to him so strongly. It makes me desire and hope that there's some reconciliation, some way out of this better than me cutting ties and leaving.

4) Mercury retrograde FINALLY ends. On the 20th, 1:21 CST.

THANK. FUCKING. GOD.

5) Half hour of a meteor storm possible on Thursday night at 10:30pm! Won't last more than 40mins, but shooting stars at a rate of up to 400 an hour!  And not even from the Leonids, from a minor meteor storm that isn't barely visible to the naked eye but a comet passed through it and we could have a MASSIVE magical meteor storm. So many wishes you can make, and so much wonder and awe to be found in watching them!!! Thursday night. (I hope so badly it will be clear that night and I can find a reason to go somewhere far from light pollution to watch them!

6) This was a fascinating set of predictions. And weirdly I could see how each stack was applicable to various people I know and what they're going through -- even to various people mixed in this situation. Pick which one appeals to you, then watch it. Don't pick what I picked or you'd think I'd pick for myself -- pick for you.

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BZRJb9I_pgA" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


(I picked the rose quartz pointe and the bonus hand. If you're curious.)

7) I want a better answer, I want something to shift so there are different options. And above all I want a way to move forward, a way to heal  all this mess. A way to build something better, a way to get what it is both Eric and I want so desperately.

*sigh*

For getting close on to 48 hours now, Eric's been resonating so loudly between this beautiful intense love/reassurance/protectiveness then falling into waves of such intense sorrow/anger/guilt.  Guilt? I think that's the word I want.... There's something new in it that wasn't there until recently, this sense that he had failed, that instead of protecting and helping heal up hurt he'd become a source of the pain and even contributed in heaping more on. And under that there's an undercurrent of scared and anxious, afraid of losing everything and not knowing how to stop that from happening -- that undercurrent is there constantly, no matter which of the emotions are dominant in him right then. Not panicky, it's too serious to let himself panic because there isn't time now for mistakes born from panicking, but he's definitely scared and anxious. And then when he finds himself too long giving in to his negative spiral over it all, he pulls himself back up to pouring into me via the bond all the love and reassurance that he has, focusing so hard on reaching me with all the intensity of everything in him that he needs me to know....

But mostly it's all the positive feelings of his love what he's reaching to me -- the negative spirals when he falls into them are all self-directed and directed at the situation... But other than his grieving over the amount of hurting, none of the negativity in him is in any way focused on me or blaming me.... Mostly though, there's just been this heady strong continuous flood of love and reassurance and protectiveness via the bond -- that more than any of the rest of it what he wants to be sure I know is how much love is there and hoping that I'll trust him at least enough to hold on long enough for him to figure out how to start fixing this.

It's sweet. Beautiful and sweet. And I just want to lean into it so badly.... I want to do that more than I want anything else in all the world.

But the thing is, this isn't a thing of the past that you can just let go and move on because without fixing it, it's a thing of the present and future as well because it's not a one time act of relational bullying -- the system that was created as a result of the action done last October creates a continuous stream of (often accidental) relational bullying that I mentioned. The constant reminder that everyone in the class is invited to the party -- except you. But we're all going to talk about it in front of you at every opportunity and remind you that you're not invited. The situation where it's not just the person who decided you weren't invited who causes the hurting and cruelty, but also everyone else involved with it or excited about it -- people who had nothing to do with or no idea that you weren't invited, were uninvited.. It's that sort of malicious mean girl situation from the moment whoever hit block did so -- and then everyone else is just accidentally cruel perpetuating the system once the system is in place.

(Although, in all fairness. There wasn't any of that at all today. Not from any of them. Nothing that was even the hint of it. Today was good. Today there was nothing that reopened wounds, nothing that put poisons in my heart. Today there was only reminding me how wonderful Chicago was and the strength of his love, only pouring his love in and reassuring me that what we want IS real and we can make it ours and it's worth fighting for. And with nothing poisoning it, that message is all I hear -- and I want so desperately to believe and trust in it.)

But this isn't something that can just be buried in the past and let go and we move on because the unfairness and inequity and bullying isn't just a thing of the past -- it's a thing of the present and the future for as long as the system remains in place.

I wish I could just let it go and move on without having to cut out all the people who end up accidentally perpetuating it and reminding me it's in place and how it is -- but I can't do that so long as the system IS there and it IS perpetuating bullying over and over and over and over.

And the action that precipitated all of it is such a stupid petty thing to throw away so much over -- but the matter of principle itself ISN'T petty and isn't stupid. And the results of online bullying are just as real as the results of being the mean girl who decides to invite everyone but one person to her party but wants to make sure that one person is constantly reminded how awesome the party is and that everyone is going to be there except  them because they're not invited. It's the same thing. Would you find it acceptable for a 7 year old to behave that way? No. So why would you try to rationalize that it's acceptable for a 27 year old to behave that way?

Still. It's really hard right now for me not to relax into the love and reassurance and protectiveness from Eric right now. It's all he wants and all I want and I just want more than anything to rest and to trust him that all the hurting is going to stop and then it'll be okay.  But I mean, that's not real is it? There's nothing behind it, y'know? There's nothing solid, nothing tangible, nothing real right now -- just what he wants to reassure me about his truth and what I want to believe because I WANT it to be true.....

And. It's not that I don't like it, I do love having that there inside right now. I don't really have words for how much I love having that there on the empath bond like that. It's all cozy like a hug and the comfort of coming home and warm like snuggling by the fire and it's just so.....everything....

*sigh*

And I don't know that I have it in me to give it up, to try to put the bond to sleep make it dormant for an indefinable time.... Not when it's like this, not when I can feel so much from him. So much of everything I want and have always wanted. Not when it's so loud and clear inside me how much he wants it there. Not when all I can feel is how strong and deep and full of light and love and comfort and support the bond is.  Not while I can feel so strongly and consistently how fucking much we both need it and how much it means. To both of us.

I just don't think I can do it with the bond like this. I just don't think I have it in me.

And I don't know what to do about that. Because I don't know what else to do about any of it with the situation how it is......

I just don't know.

But I do know that while it's like this inside me on the bond, him pouring his love into me drowning out literally everyone and everything else, I can't even start to think about making the bond go dormant.   It's just....not even an option. Not just that I can't think of doing it and doubt I could go through with it because I haven't the strength for the hurt it would cause -- I just. It's not even an option for me. Not while it's like this.

(But that's also why, if I can't be with Eric, I HAVE to put the bond dormant or I can't be with anyone else... it wouldn't be fair to anyone in the situation, but most especially it wouldn't be fair to whoever I tried to date.)

O! After all those words! I have one more thing to say -- but I think it the most important thing of all!!

I don't WANT to have to leave. I don't WANT this making it impossible to be able to listen to their music and love it completely from start to finish and for always.  I don't WANT to have to put the bond to sleep. I don't WANT to lose even the tiniest glimmer of all the love and light. I don't WANT any of this fucking mess...... None of this is any damn thing I ever wanted. Not at any fucking time did I want this or would I ever want it. I hate it. I hate everything about it. It's everything I least want, the very last thing I ever wanted for any of us.

But I have it. We all have it.

And all we can do is work with the reality of what we have. Face it honestly and from a place of love and a desire for healing -- for the best healing everyone involved and not just one's own ego.

What I WANT is all the love and light and brightness and incandescent joy of it all, shot through every moment always because it IS and we know it IS and if we can take care of holding onto it we can get to keep it for all of this life and not just a handful of moments. What I WANT is to move forward not forgetting these mistakes and how much hurt they bred and how nearly they cost us everything -- but having had the time and intention and love put into understanding that this was all a horrible mistake bred of not understanding at all but that the love that IS there can be trusted and relied on never to intentionally hurt and to always want to heal whatever fuckups life brings in its wake. (Because one thing that is forever true about all of humanity in all time: we're always going to find new unexpected ways to fuck up what should have been straightforward and easy to get right.) What I WANT is to get a point where the joy far outweighs all the pain that has been mixed into everything and the wariness can be laid to rest replaced with trust. And what I really really REALLY want right now is to wrap my arms around Eric and lean against his chest with his arms around me and feel safe and loved and that I'm home right exactly where I belong.

Those are all things that I WANT. Those are all the things that I have always wanted. Walking away from the band and every member of it and making the bond to him go dormant is nowhere on that list.....

But I can't see the way of anything I can do that gets from the reality of here and now to get to what I want.... and that kills me inside. I can only see a choice for me between bad and worse.

Bad is me leaving. Bad is everyone full of hurt and grief and regrets and things they wish they could take back and change but they can't.  Bad is waking up every single day and falling asleep every single night with an empty space in your soul like a missing limb where you should   feel the emotions and the strong steady love for you slipping and pulling back and forth between you like the tides always there for reassurance no matter how far apart you physically are. Bad is knowing you're the one who performed that amputation of your own soul. Bad is knowing that you've hurt and permanently maimed the one person in all the world you'd least ever want to hurt and taken from them the one thing they ever wanted in having to do this. Bad is knowing that you can't comfort them and make them feel better and heal the hurt in them.

Worse is trying to linger on holding onto things the way they are. Worse is having all this hurt and pain and grief we are all carrying and constantly compounding it to pile more and more pain and grief on top of it. Worse is every little thing unintentionally poisoning things making all of this hurt deeper. Worse is when you TRY to make things better but even that is still attached to the cause of the hurt so it only makes the pain and grief magnified. Worse is wanting more than anything to see and feel the love between you and someone else and to just have them there and to have that light again -- and yet when you do get to see them all you have is the shell shocked distance and distrust of the accumulated pain and the expectation that somehow you're going to end up hurt worse than you were before seeing them again.

That's the bad and that's the worse.

And if there's no fixing what's broken and the source of all this pain and grief that's here now, then there's no healing and no way to reach what I want. There's only choosing between bad and worse.

I can't fix what's broken here. I literally don't have the ability or power to do the fairly simple thing that needs to be done to start the process and to begin letting the healing happen. My only ability is to try to use my words and my honesty to make clear and fully transparent the problem sabotaging everything and what needs to be done to solve it -- but what needs to be done is in the hands and actions and choices of other people. And I can't force them to do it. I can't help heal this, NOBODY can heal this, without first removing the source of the poison that is constantly compounding this making it worse and worse.

And when the reaction to my honesty has been to deny it and to ostracize me and to create systems of inequality and relational bullying and then when I call out the wrong and ask for redress to be ignored and victim shamed by your "fans" who insist you could never do any wrong and for more people to get involved in perpetuating this system of inequality and still there's complete silence and nothing done or even acknowledged that this happened and is happening......

In the face of that I must admit defeat at trying to get anything changed and fixed to start the healing that NEEDS to happen.  I have to face the hard truths of this reality, I have to recognize that leaving is bad and staying without this situation being fixed is worse.....So I have to choose between of those two options causes the least damage to everyone involved.

So it doesn't actually matter what i WANT or what I DON'T WANT at this point. I can't fix this and I'm not seeing any desire or actions from anyone who CAN fix it to do so.....

All I have is my honesty, to others and to myself, and the hard decision whether I should choose bad or worse -- and indecision not doing anything at all is an automatic choice for worse.

But hell if any of this is any fucking thing I WANT........ For me, for Eric, for his family, for his band -- for any of us. None of this mess is any damn thing I ever wanted.... It's just what I have to deal with in facing the reality of what IS at this time......

So I'll choose the bad and break my own heart and not know how long it'll take me to heal if it ever does and know I'm breaking his at the same time. Because it's better than adding more and more pain into this until the system breaks under its own weight and we're forced into a bad that contains far more pain and grief than it does if I choose it of my own free will now.....

Because I have nothing I can do to get us closer to the good I want. And nobody who can do the fixes to get us headed down that path instead is doing anything about it -- not even acknowledging the problem or all the pain and grief it has created.

So now I'm left to choose between bad and worse. And if those are my only options, then I'm choosing bad... Knowing in full honesty and clarity with myself EVERYTHING, present and future, that it costs and having to do it anyway.