But long story short, there's family shit going down again, not in my parents/sister nuclear family but in my extended family that I'm incredibly close to, that the drama all reached an insane climax last night and is why i was sad this afternoon and made me cry for an hour or so..... There's little I can do, I don't think there's ANY making this right even from the limited amount I know, but my goal here is to make things as much better as they could be to not go down the worst case scenarios....and there are some really devastating worst case scenarios here.
And none of that sad has anything to do with Eric or anyone in his family or anyone in the band or even anyone making me feel bad about anything related to interactions with members of the band/official band account choices. My sad had nothing to do with any of them....but given the way karmic empath bonds work both directions as open and strong an empath as each is to receive it, if he was paying attention then I know even if he couldn't hear my sad as loud as I hear his emotions my sorrowing would have been echoing inside Eric. And given how things are/have been....I imagine that would have been worrying... And that was the whole point of my post....Was realizing that while I was so sad and talking with people I love dearly who are hurting so, the echoes of my sadness might have made him worry and overthink.....And I didn't want to do that to him -- poor boy's been through and still going through enough without laying that on him unnecessarily.
I have talked to all the people I can talk to who will let me in to help with their hurting. I know where I stand and my goals and course of actions and will be reaching out to people as I can to heal what I can and try to nudge things as best I can down the better paths.... But it's a heartbreaking mess all around the way it happened...and it involves some strong volatile temperaments so i fear it could all get real fucked up real fast if people get vindictive instead of recognizing everyone is coming from a place of pain due to injured love so trying to hurt other people because you're hurting is a bad course of action.. And I just ache and am grieving for the hurt of 5 family members who I love dearly.....
But I'm as good as I can be on it. They hurt, I can feel their hurt inside me. And nothing I can do about any of it til the fullness of time lets me know how much or little they'll open up to me let me help gently guide this down better paths than it's currently heading.
If I get quiet here, especially if you hear me hurting or sad on the inside, just assume it's about things that aren't my story to tell and i'm quiet because my heart is grieving over other tragedies. I'll let you know if anything happens to upset things with me, personally, and anyone's relationship with me. promise! It wouldn't hurt if you were in the mood to be extra kind or compassionate or give me happy surprises or just try to be aware of not making things worse -- but know that quiet (even if I'm hurting inside and sad) isn't about you or Eric or any of his family unless I tell you straight up something has upset me there. K? Because I likely WILL get quiet here even while hurting/grieving inside (same as I was while helping with Shauna) and the timing IS rough with recent everything. But I promise that right NOW, all I feel is the intense love light from Eric drowning so much else out (including helping to quiet the hurting from my loved ones -- thank you for helping quiet that by flooding me with something louder and brighter and stronger) and my slow cautious healing and trying to be open to trusting there's a better ways forward to heal/fix things with Eric and everyone. I don't EXPECT that to change or get wobbly in me, but if it does I'll tell you. Just don't assume my quiet and hurting/grieving inside is about any of that unless I tell you it is.
I could use a really really long hug and some lovebug snuggles as I navigate this. But is what it is. And my sister and brother-in-law are trying to get me to commit to when I'm coming to Seattle for some sensible non-drama llamas and sillies. As my sister said, "because nothing says calm and soothing like living with two toddlers."
AND, Mikaela came in at like 5pm so I got to spend time with her!!! (I also get to spend all day tomorrow with her! She'll be getting dropped off by her om around 8:30 or so. And Friday! Unless I end up with other family...) So after all that and acknowledging with my maman that we'd talk more later when other people not there, Mikaela and I curled up on the sales floor couch with a blankey and books and tea and my dog snuggled up between us for a couple hours to ease my heart of its aching.
ALSO!!! Another brilliant surprise gift from the Universe tonight after all that extra heartache and hurting and my promises to do the best I can to keep reminding everyone that what matters most is the love for the littleun and her mental health and psychological well-being so not to do anything that would longterm hurt her....
Mikaela was commiserating with me tonight that she has also run out of her boxes of Warrior's Brew Tea because she knows how upset I have been over it. So that started Sarah saying how she needed to order more and I told her good luck as it's been "out of stock" on the Native American tea Company site for 6 months. (This is is why I asked her to buy me more when they were on family vacation in South Dakota in July. And I'm so grateful she was able to find it and bring me some back!!!!) So Sarah found a couple places selling it for about $5 a box, including a store they visited on their vacation. I told her to err on the side of bulk just in case. (A box only has 12 teabags in it. $3.50-$4 is typical when I find it places.)
So then my mom joined in the hunt for this tea for Mikaela and me at a cheaper price while Mikaela and I were reading on the couch. found it was on 40% off clearance at Cherokee Publications which is a delightful native owned and operated store that I didn't know about before tonight!! We bought all 19 boxes that they had available at my urging to err on the side of purchasing too much not too little. And then we found some other lovelies on the clearance section my maman ordered!!
I'm super excited at some of the books they have available! I will DEFINITELY be going on a book shopping splurge there sooooon as my budget feels it can handle it for books not on clearance that I desperately want after browsing through their site!!! (which likely won't be til after the holidays, lol.)
AND Mikaela and I now have 19 boxes of Warrior's Brew Tea to divvy up between us (well, maybe we'll let the moms have a box or two -- but only so we have reserves to plunder when we drink up all of ours, lol) before we run out of it have to start hunting it down again!!!
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