Sorry on the delay not writing here agin. I've been busy. I had a Skerryvore whiskey tasting last week Tuesday, a 90 minute program of all Tchaikovsky pieces (with Olga Kern as guest pianist) last week Friday for the opening of Madison Symphony Orchestra's 100th season, then last weekend Saturday a VERY soaked to the bone rainy Fox Cities Irishfest day (with Skerryvore, Cassie & Maggie, Drowsy Lads and Boxing Banjos all of whom I was super excited to see one last time this year!), and then on Sun that fucktangle of a shitty Packers loss that they really shouldn't have lost to the Browns... And then THIS week, I had tickets purchased months ago for APT on Weds night and Fri night (both bought on sales so I could move them earlier but would have had to pay the differential for full price) AND my maman picked up tickets for Sat night for a dance program at Overture Hall AND my Aunt Judi and cousin Vincent had a break and some things they had to do legally following Uncle Jomi's death over the Spring so they decided to come stateside visit family starting with us Mon night thru Sat mid afternoon before heading to Oregon so I was trying to spend as much time with family as I could even with my tickets out to Spring Green for shows that were closing pretty well sold out after the point two members of my German family were arriving. (The legal US mailing address for my aunt and my cousins is my parents house since it's the closest to where my aunt lived in the states before marrying my uncle and thus it's their voting address.  So they had to come here to take care of some legal and financial obligations following my uncle's death and then my grandma is in Oregon as well as another aunt/uncle/cousins and visiting my grandmother while she can has been a priority for my Aunt Judi.) AND! I had to try to get 40 hours of work in both those weeks around all the things or use up PTO days I didn't want to use right now because my sister is stealing me for 2.5 weeks in December out to Kirkland to spend another Christmas out in the Pac Northwest with my nephew and nieces (and sister and brother-in-law.) AND trying to sleep at least every once in a while so I don't push myself to complete burnout collapse. 

I've been just a bit busy these last few weeks.... And I already miss my Aunt Judi and my cousin Vincent (this was the first I'd seen either of them in a decade!! Last time I saw them was at my cousin Ry's marriage to Sarah.  They're both working on me very hard to try to get me to come visit them in Germany and/or let them take me in to stay with them so we can go visit France and elsewhere via TGV.)  Much too short a time for a visit, especially with me having two evenings claimed ahead of time with theatre tickets, and I had migraine the night they arrived and my phone died one morning so I didn't get the texts about plans/times another day until late afternoon and missed an entire morning I could have spent with them.... Anyway, it's been a whirl wind couple weeks in my world with people I absolutely adore in both my blood family and my Celtic music community chosen family. 

And that's why I've not written here.  Just literally too busy to even sleep as much as I should and no time whatsoever for writing here. Not anything else. And certainly not me having had any grand emotional upheaval in my life or made any binding commitments in my relationship status or anything else. (And that includes that Martin and I continue to have done nothing further than flirting, no promises or expectations even discussed. AND, if you've been concerned, I'm not expecting to see him again until February when his band is back stateside and as his brother has been pretty continuously posting promises they already have both Thrasher lake and Green Bay shows with tickets up for sale. Technically, Martin is still in the states because he and Alec flew to Vegas today while the rest of the band flew back to Scotland for the bit of a break they have between their stateside tour and their next shows in Spain before their UK tour. But Vegas is not WI, not even in the same time zone, so it would take quite a bit of intentional effort for Martin and me to cross paths again before he's back across the Atlantic for several months.) 

but also. Regarding Martin and anyone else I may be more than slightly interested in.... Yes I'm still single. And yes, if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it. I am at a point in my life of no longer holding space for an unspoken unstated thing that may go nowhere -- if you want me then you damn well best dig up the courage to say it with your chest and your whole heart take a chance because I ain't saving space for anyone anymore over the unspoken unacknowledged. We ain't in our 20s anymore, for fucks sake! I don't want to spend this whole life waiting on some days that never become real -- there's so much more life worth living than to pine for a could be that never becomes an isness.... I'm over that lingering in my life making me miss out on what could have been tangible real in my life if I had given it a chance. So very much right now, we in the "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it" stage of me being single -- and that applies to everyone I might be interested in. Across the board. Ain't no hanging on waiting for lingering unspoken mutual vibes -- like me enough to choose me and tell me or watch me walk away with someone else. Those are the options remaining on the table at this point as someone born in the last century. 

also, while I've been looking at the shifting available animals on all the local rescues, I haven't adopted a new kitty yet, many that I've liked and COULD be mine but none that my heart went, "O I recognize you little one and you are meant to come live with me for the rest of the days we both live." Though if I lived where I could have a second dog, I would have adopted a brindled pup I met on Saturday in a bar having an adoption event for them right by where I gave my goodbye hugs to my aunt and cousin before my parents took them to the airport... I went in saying I couldn't adopt any of them because I already have a dog can only have one where I live but asking if I could come pet them and help with the socializing them and then I ended up under a complete puppy pile and three of them tried to follow me out the door dragging their owner on the leash trying so hard to follow me as as I was leaving and the one very gentle souled brindle female pup imprinted on me so hard started puppy crying she couldn't leave with me....

 Anyway. I'm not sure I have it in me right now to share stories here from the last few weeks, especially with my missing people I care about who live far away from me still being so raw on my heart. But I felt I ought to just write a little something and give the update that while I've been extremely busy, there is no update on my relationship status and I don't expect I'll be seeing Martin again for that to change (if he chooses that) until his next opportunities in February and there's plenty could change between now and then in both our lives, y'know? 

 (Side note: I wrote the above  this late Saturday/early Sunday, but I'm waiting for the last of the astro poets horoscopes to come in on Sunday before I click publish on the draft. If I have anythign further to add here on Sunday, it will be after this note but before the astro poets horoscopes. though no promises I'll have anything more to write here. On verra.)

Anyway, this week I've actually not got much in the calendar at all (my birthday is Thurs, on the 2nd, but I don't actually have any plans really at all with anyone for my birthday. Not even my birthday twin best friend... I think Mikaela doesn't have college classes wants to come over hang out with me and Ms Waffles O'Whoofigans on Thurs, but no actual plans at all. )  I actually have nothing other than Packers games, meteor showers, and my birthday (without any plans made for it) anywhere in my calendar until Oct 7 when my birthday twin bff and I  have tickets to see Talisk with Gardiner Brothers in Milwaukee.... My life ACTUALLY gets slower in October, well except the very end of it and I have more unclaimed time to myself to fill however I choose this month than I've had in a long while!

Heading to my parents house now to watch the Packers game with my maman! Ciao bye!!

 

Astro Poets Horoscope:

 "Week of 9/14 in Libra: Something orange. Put that in the space between. What is peach and cream. The sweet love. The thing you knew you wanted."

"Week of 9/14 in Pisces: So it goes. That’s the flow. That’s you. The pretty stars. They open and close in love." 

"Week of 9/21 in Libra: Someone loves you dearly. You know this on some level. Bright green is the moment. Put your cup down. Dance into the distance."

"Week of 9/21 in Pisces: What is caught is not stopped. Is only remembered. Is only taken as it is. Some gold case. Some flower touched with gold." 

"Week of 9/28 in Libra: Yellow threads connect the ways. So many subtle parts. The purple and green flowers. They are filled with love. Nothing is as the butterfly."

"Week of 9/28 in Pisces: You knew the path. You went on it. Going around you saw the peach light. And finally you dreamt. And finally you meant to dream this way." 

 

 

O I'm not upset or angry motivating my decision back in Aug to unfollow him on insta, I'm at the point of acceptance of "this is how it is and how it will continue to be unless/until someone with the ability to change it chooses to change things." I am not that person, I cannot unblock me and I cannot make me welcomed into the parts of his life I am currently excluded from. I couldn't even get a reply from anyone involved (including when I dmed him directly in Aug 2019 and he read it, or at least his account marked the dm read, but didn't even reply or take action at all about it) when I tried and so I'm done even trying to bring it up to them. I accept this is who they truly are and who they want to be and none of them see any issues with this sort of exclusionary behavior towards fans when told truths the girls didn't want to hear at the time is something they accept and condone being done in their name as individuals and as a collective.  I accept that this is their truth by their choices and actions even when given multiple opportunities to try to talk about it and they chose to just ghost it pretend nothing I said existed while liking the victim blaming defensiveness some of their diehards DID exhibit in their replies to me. I mean, it was a conscious choice for someone on the band account to ignore me make no reply or open dialogue but to visibly heart the replying comment telling me it was my fault I was blocked because nobody representing the band would ever do that undeserved. It is not my desire to create strife or discord, especially within the band or between siblings, but I also refuse to lie about what happened just to keep a false peace -- so I will speak the truth of what I experienced and how it affected me since it's my lived experience and thus mine to share if/when I choose to. *shrugs* yes it stung and hurt me at the time to find their claims of inclusivity and standing up against bullies and bringing things to the light so they can be healed as core values of the band was a lie, disillusionment about anyone you admired held affection for is going to sting and hurt -- but I'd rather know the truth than cling to a pretty lie and at least the girls gave me their truths with how they behaved toward me. And after that initial pain of disillusionment and the followup hurts of realizing in 2019, "No. This is really who they are and choose to be, even now that they are indie and only themselves to be accountable to, they'd rather completely ignore ghost this than acknowledge it take accountability try to heal make things right" it's only been me fighting the losing battle of accepting ALL the ripples of consequences of the choices the girls made in the bands name and that the band allows to continue being made in their name...

And I was pretty much there at that type of accepting earlier this year if you recall. I just felt that if he had something to say and had grown internally and changed enough to want a clean slate to make clear whatever growth he wished to share, I wanted to give him the chance and to hear what he had to say. That chance didn't extend to assuming or even hoping there was a place for me in his life or that it mattered to him I should feel wanted and welcomed into his life rather than excluded from core parts of it if anything is to grow between us. I just wanted to give him a chance to communicate in the ways he chose what he's trying to share that he feels is so damn important a turning point within him and for his life. I felt he deserved that. Because me being excluded from his life isn't something he actively consciously chose even if he didn't do anything about it to fix it once it was brought to his attention. Still it was never his choice that barred me from being welcomed even as a fan of his band. So when he went clean slate then set his release dates on paired angel wishing number dates, I decided he deserved a chance for me to listen and follow along to what he had to share about the patterns he doesn't want to keep repeating within his life. He still deserves that. It's just if he's going to remind me I'm excluded not welcome in his life and what he shares as core parts of it, then I will respect and accept that as being part of the things he chooses to tell me by his actions/choices.

I genuinely hope for Eric that everything he's doing is advancing the way he wants it to move forward with releasing his singles (I did listen to the new one after reading his email and it did brighten my day to hear it, even if it did require me dealing with the annoyance of having to open Spotify to try to play the song you ask it to play when you don't stream music so don't pay for premium. Once was more than enough dealing with spotify's ai nonsense playing suggested/paid sponsored songs rather than what I wanted asked it to play. It's very lovely; but I remain unclear if the song is about him becoming a better man or about her finding a better man than he was to her. My favorite parts of it are the piano part and the line, "but if you're gonna count on me tonight girl, of all the stars and grains of sand") I hope his new album release is a smashing success to bring him everything he's hoping for from it and he has set his heart on moving forward with his life and that he figures out how to get himself unstuck from his looping patterns so he can create/co-create what he desires and deserves for his happiness. And I genuinely feel he has every right and reason to be proud about what he does with his band and excited to share about it (which is what I presume he was sharing that I couldn't see in early/mid Aug whenever it was I decided it was time to be done giving energy where it wasn't reciprocated rather than choosing those who choose me and want as much or more time with me as possible. I don't even know what he shared, it was the act of him doing it and the reminder of the block and me being intentionally excluded from seeing whatever he was trying to share that is my issue, not the contents itself. How could I be upset over the content when I don't even know what it is? It was the injustice of the "this isn't for you, you're not welcome here" exclusionary nature of it being blocked for me that is the problem, nothing to do with the isness of whatever it might have been he was excited to share. I'm a Libra sun with a Pisces rising -- knowingly taking part in acts of injustice/unfairness and intentional acts of cruelty are my two line in the sand foundational ethics issues with people. This is an ongoing red flag raising issue with both of those ethics issues and why I ended up concluding I have no admiration in me or affection or even any desire to have in my life the people who created this situation and have refused to even acknowledge it exists. I don't enjoy playing with mean girl bullies, I never have and I never will. I'll just go hug a tree and dance with the bees in the flowers and sit by the water and make animal/bird friends and go talk to the stars until I find people who want me around will treat others fairly and honestly and without cruelty instead.)

It's just... look... People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And the choices the girls made in 2018 in the band's name and that have been defensively maintained ever since rather than discussed or even acknowledged have forced from me any hope of a deepening connection between me and Eric to accept it be only a hope of a season. That's not about him or about me or our choices or what we might want, it's about choices others made that exclude me from taking part in the things he has built his life around and that created a situation where there's no place for me or welcome in core important parts of his life. And that conclusion makes it unrealistic to think our life paths crossed for anything more than a season (or a reason) this life -- especially when nothing has been done or is being done to fix things make me welcomed into and desired in his life. It's a one way block, a one way problem -- there's not  anyone or anything in my life excluding him telling him to go away he's not welcome or wanted. The only thing blocking it is the people in his life that have blocked me and excluded me from being welcome in the most central core aspects of his life.

Because how can you have or expect to have a connection that continues to grow with someone whose sister has decided you're not welcome and blocked you from having anything to do with her account and the account of the band he created and made the central pillar of his life?  It just doesn't make sense to do anything other than to accept the connection was only for a season and that season ended the day her pride and ego decided I wasn't welcomed or wanted as a fan for the band. What is central to his life he built it around will remain central and I will just fade out of his options because that was the choice that was made for him and when he had the chance to do something about it, he chose not to and chose to ghost the whole issue. *shrugs* There's just no place for me in his life and there hasn't been since his sister's choices of October 2018 and that's just how it is and has been and every indication shows it will continue to be. And I don't see any actions I can take by myself to change that, all I can do is accept it as their choices and make choices for myself in acknowledgement of that truth. I'm not upset or angry with him and I wish him only the best and brightest of everything he wants to choose for his life -- but I don't hold any hope for anything to alter that would create a place for me to feel welcomed into HIS life. And so I'm closing that door (though not locking it) and ignoring it and going to invest of myself elsewhere. Because it's been enough years, in a month or so from now it will have been 7 years, with nothing changed or changing since the day I was blocked from having anything to do with what his life is built around and I'm tired of pretending maybe it will somehow magically change or the girls will choose honesty over pride or someone in the band will decide on choosing integrity/accountability over ego.  

This isn't a choice I made in August born of a sudden whim impulsiveness or from a judgement that any of the men involved is better (or even better for me as a romantic partner) or me saying that he shouldn't be proud and excited to share the things he creates with the people who matter most to him in his life but it's a choice been a long time growing from the seeds the women of the band sowed back in 2018. It is solely the product of my own inner struggle since Oct 2018 of coming to terms accepting the ripple consequence that there's no place for me in the most important parts of his life as a direct consequence of the choices his sister and liz made and that will remain the truth that I'm not welcome to be included in the core aspects of his life as long as there's ego driven defensiveness of standing behind those choices rather than communicating and acknowledging and taking ownership and discussing like adults what happened and how to make things better moving forward instead of playing the bullying by ostracism mind games of middle school mean girls. It doesn't actually matter what he or I may have wanted or hoped for in this life or given the connection of the bond -- what matters here in this moment is the reality of the isness that I am deliberately and intentionally excluded made to feel unwelcome involving anything to do with his sister, his band, and one of his close friends because they didn't like me being honest that due to my color-timbre synesthesia, the country music played at shows was going to make me stop attending the band's live shows. (And yes, that's the only comment I made directly before it happened and all that it was that I could possibly have said or done to make the girls behave the way they did and to block me on insta. That's what their egos are being so defensive about rationalizing and that has created these consequences where we are in a place where I have accepted there is no place for me in the core aspects of his life because his band isn't an inclusive welcoming space no matter what they claim to stand for -- that is the seed that got us to this point. Because my color-timbre synesthesia made attending shows painful with the pitchiness of the country music and I was honest that it was going to stop me from attending future shows of the band.) 

The choices that were made back in 2018 as a reaction to my honesty about my experiental truths and the girls not wanting to hear it set us down this path and if I weren't so stubborn, I'd have accepted long ago there's no place for me in the core aspects of his life and set him free of any expectations/hopes/ties to me. (Lord knows I've gone over and over writing about it trying to square the circle and finding some other way where it isn't his pain and my pain that pays the price of the girls' defensive ego choices made in the band's name.) *shrugs* This closing the door was overdue. And, what does it matter in what other ways he or I grow or fight to bring ourselves closer together in the 3d not just 5d dream spaces when I remain excluded and not welcome in the most core parts of his life? What could we ever build between us and together with me not being wanted or welcomed into his life? Especially when I am not welcomed within the very heart of everything he has built his entire adult life around?

No, any chance of it ever working out in a better way was exploded by the choices in 2019/early 2020 to ghost and defend and rationalize those 2018 choices rather than just acknowledge it when i tried to open channels of communications that would allow a brighter way through than me giving up on any chance of me being any part of his life when I'm not welcome there. I just had to go through the process of accepting and grieving over the consequences of those ripples and all the future paths they truncated for both Eric and myself. 

So why should there be any surprise that once I've learned that bitter lesson and accepted it complete, I have decided that I will close the chapter and instead open myself to whatever the next chapters are and whoever they include who make me welcomed and wanted to bring our life paths together? 

Also. it's worth restating, the first time I saw Skerryvore and thus crossed paths with Martin was back in 2012 and the mutual attraction was instantaneous and has always stayed burning there -- it's been well over a decade now of whether we should consider pursuing a physical relation with each other given the mutual attraction there, if that's even something he's been wanting (especially when he was very much in his sowing his wild oats phase) but especially now he's a steadier more certain of himself version of him than he used to be, or if it's better with all the mutuals and the tight knit community to let it be there and not to pursue it. I mean, this is a very slow burn building to get to where we are now, it's not a sudden infatuation or anything. His relationship he started right before covid that he was in for a long time definitely removed that question for these recent years because he had committed himself elsewhere and i respected that choice of his. And it just happened to coincide with while I was wrestling with the letting go acceptance that there were not accessible future fate lines with Eric despite me being excluded and not welcome in core aspects of his life. I still found Martin really fucking hot while he was with his long-term girlfriend, but I didn't feel sexual desire for him while he was mentally/emotionally categorized as "someone else's, not for me" -- I find an attractive person's hotness like a museum piece where you admire via look but don't touch while they choose to be with someone else.  But now the mutual attraction as a romantic sexual desire needing to figure out if we act on it or not is once again back and what i decide to do with/about it and what it could grow into remains unknown even to me. But this isn't a sudden flaring up of something new, it's been a steady slow burn possibility and question between us that I don't know how to answer because I don't know what he wants -- but right now I'm very open to finding out.

This isn't a whim or a sudden shifting of sands. This is the consequence of many years of steadily making and standing by ones desires and choices and the consequences of what those choices built up or eroded as time has passed.

 ~*~*~*~*~

Anyway. the real reason I started this post tonight was me realizing that I'm waaaaaaay behind on the astro poets interweaving dance of horoscopes for Libra and Pisces. whoops. That happens when one goes radio silent for a while.

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 8/3 in Libra: Someone prays for you with water and love. They are sitting in front of you with a sense of peace. It is now time to create. It is now time to be what you meant to. Pink and purple line the streets with light and sunrise."

"Week of 8/3 in Pisces: If everything in the past was waiting, it wouldn’t be. Now the momentum moves it forward. Something crisp with a dream. There’s a turquoise sailboat. Go there with your rainbows."

"Week of 8/10 in Libra: A sweetest reminder of you. That you say everything that matters. That you are love personified. That you sing. And it’s beautiful."

"Week of 8/10 in Pisces: So much so that it is a clock. But not time. Nothing is. Nothing could be around what exists. Go into your rainbow-coated daysong." 

"Week of 8/17 in Libra: Much is said. In the scope of what can be found. And so is love. Something that lasts forever. Let it." 

"Week of 8/17 in Pisces: You didn’t need to hold it up. But you did find a night so clearly. And what it was not real. That’s the best part. That’s the answer."

"Week of 8/24 in Libra: Unnecessary. But beautiful. But light and fixed. See it as it is. Blue and forgiving." 

"Week of 8/24 in Pisces: Finally again. So the dream is blue. Is it the ocean? It is. It is that and more." 

"Week of 8/31 in Libra: Some letter. Mailed in the middle. There was weather. There was a soul. You knew it clearly."

"Week of 8/31 in Pisces: You didn’t want to realize. But you did. And that’s the best part. Learn from that. Tell everyone." 

"Week of 9/7 in Libra: Love remains. And you will be surrounded by it. There could be nothing with this much yellow. A soul of sweetness. A friendship that lasts forever."

"Week of 9/7 in Pisces: A summary of words. A longing of spells. A centered finality. That’s friendship. That’s the feeling of love you can recall." 

Somewhen in my recent silences of the last month, I did unfollow Eric again on his insta in the while that I wasn't posting here. *shrugs* it was Aug again -- he does have a tendency these last 7 years to eff up and lose me again due to choices of his making (not anyone else's) during Leo season. It was after his single release (which I did listen to and enjoy until I stopped listening to it when I decided to unfollow him close that door at this time because he's repeating patterns still not learning or growing or changing to be a better more accountable for his actions/choices version of him) but not long afterward . My Aug was so dominated by Irish/Scottish friends and music and festivals that it all blurs into one long craic whirlwind of a Leo season and everything else happened either before or during or after my Celtic community whirlwinds -- and me unfollowing Eric was somewhen in the during. 

Once again he posted a story I couldn't see, that once again said "Story unavailable for you." and I couldn't watch it to make it stop appearing and because he was a recent enough add, the algos kept him at the front of the unwatched stories queue along with other accounts I watch frequently (and/or are recent enough adds their stories have been watched more frequently so it thinks I want to always prioritize them -- the algos are really stupid about that tbh) and it was just really fucking annoying me to have it there reminding me about the stupidity and cruelty of the girls behaviors back in 2018 and the ongoing defensiveness of refusing to take ownership/responsibility of it and make things right and me not wanting anything to do with those sorts of stupid bullying head games. And it was right in the middle of my Irish fest season when I am crazy overly busy not getting enough sleep but constantly surrounded by people I love and who love me and who want every moment of my time they can have while they can have it and often I'm wanted by many people in multiple places at once even though I can't make that happen and just have to triage it best I can. And it was really the stark contrast of the reminder of the ostracism of being unwelcome and unwanted to anything in the core center of his life involving the official Delta Rae insta account and the way the girls and their followers have handled it versus being constantly surrounded by people who do care about me and desire as much of me and my time and energy as I can give them. And the contrast made me ask myself, "Wait, what the hell am I even holding onto still here where I'm unwanted and uninvited made to feel unwelcome when I could and should be investing myself where I am wanted and invited and welcomed and even loved for me qua me just as I am?" And so I clicked on his account and clicked unfollow in a moment of pique of, "if you don't want me and I'm not welcome into the parts of your life that matter most to you, well, that's your choice but then I'm going to invest myself where I'm wanted and loved and always welcomed with the biggest open armed hugs and genuine grins and 'where have you been? What took you so long? I've missed you?' that anybody could ask for."

 And honestly? I don't WANT someone in my life or anchored in my heart who doesn't care about the ways his actions/choices or those he lets be made in his name cause pain to me or others. I don't want to put emotional faith or trust in someone who lacks self-responsibility and accountability and basic empathy like that. I don't care what the rationalizing he tells himself or listens to from others, any person who can rationalize choices to knowingly cause pain to another isn't a man I can trust to protect or care for me or my life or anyone or anything that matters to me. And so I'd rather let him go given that's the version of him he still chooses to let himself be and I will invest of myself in others who aren't so reckless and lacking in accountability for the hurt they inflict or allow others to inflict in their name. 

And it was the contrast of him doing that while I have been so enmeshed and encircled and surrounded in the love of all my Irish-Scottish music friends unto chosen family. At this point, it's a close knit community like family all my Irishfest folk and all the musicians woven through it and the Irish music community (especially those from Ireland) are really the most accepting place I've ever found for my elven witch feyness and my raw energy/power just as visiting both Ireland and Scotland felt like being welcomed home again after a too long absence when I have visited them. 

Which brings me to the men who have caught my eye and tied themselves into my heart though there's naught but what our eyes say and some light flirtation (thus far) between any of us. In a way, Eric's choice to share something I was blocked from seeing in early Aug pushed me to reach the, "why do I accept this recurring pattern where I am made to feel unwelcome and unwanted instead of investing my time and energy and affection where I am very much desired and welcomed?" and in so doing, it cracked something inside me that saw nothing wrong with me flirting exploring my options and considering where they might lead and opening myself up to letting the interest breathe life into itself. I don't know if I'd have been nearly so forward in my flirting or honest about the mutual attractions and interest if I hadn't reached the break point of recognizing I was done holding on to the hope things would change where the same patterns of behavior kept recurring and that I needed to invest of my heart elsewhere with better returns. 

 Keith and I did nothing much more than eye flirt and him making a point of chatting me up in the few opportunities he had -- but also his opportunities were few. And I don't actually know if he's got a girlfriend back home right now, that's not anything that came up at all. But all he's posted about since he got back to Ireland are the videos of the gigs and craic while the band was here and almost entirely all of it are about the times/places his path crossed mine. I'm not writing it off but I know not when it will have a chance to grow into something more or whatever versions of ourselves he or I will be at that time or how seriously he considers me his type.

 I also flirted with Danny but as far as I know he remains seriously smitten with his model girlfriend Vanessa back home and it's all just mutual recognition and "good to see youse again" with me and him and his married bandmate  Knoxy. He's very honest and direct (very typical Aries) and his cousin Aoife did tell me recently while we were hugging a massive ginkgo tree together after her Joliet gig where several old ladies kept asking me if I was part of Aoife's family that I shouldn't tease her cousin even about having just missed her stateside by a few days -- that it's fine for me to tease her because we're like family and Crissy can tease Danny but I shouldn't be anything but honest myself with him. Which startled me but all I said back was that honesty deserves honesty and it's the only way he and I have ever spoken on the occasions we have. Didn't get a chance to pursue that conversation though as to why she felt I shouldn't tease Danny too much, because Andy came looking for his fiancee Aoife to go to dinner with their hosts and right then, Crissy on the far side of the tree said that while I could spend all day with the tree and/or chatting with Aoife, Amy was waiting to meet us for dinner and we shouldn't keep her waiting longer. So I don't know why Aoife got serious told me not to tease her cousin Danny but only give him honesty for honesty -- especially since he's rockstar enough in Ireland that he only dates models and Irish celebrities and he's officially been public with his current model girlfriend for a year or more now. It confused me but I don't expect any clarity on it anytime soon, I don't think I'll be seeing any more of Aoife's gigs before she flies back home to Ireland and I have no idea if or when I'll be seeing Danny again next.

And Dave is affianced to Caitlin and they deem comfortably paired together so despite the very marked differences in him in my presence versus my absence I expect him to move along with her plan to marry next June especially with how interwoven he has brought her into the business side of his music career. And I don't know Caitlin (though I can't stand how pitchy her vocals are, having her on harmonies was secondary factor to me choosing Emma Langford sets rather than his for all three days in Milwaukee. The primary was she was opposite them and everyone who would have chosen her but wanted WB3 reunion chose Gadan/Howley Brothers so almost nobody was there for Emma. And she didn't deserve such a shite scheduling so I chose her and Hannah and Alec who were playing/touring with her as her band.) Best Dave got of me at his mke sets was me off on Kiana's side catching partial set of a song or three before me flitting off to Emma's set instead because he had enough people he didn't need me there and she did. 

The flirtation with Martin of the Skerry lads progresses and it's definitely mutual and I will definitely be seeing them again in just a few weeks now.  Also Alana definitely mentioned to me that Martin is single in Iowa, which was news to me since I just assumed he was with his long time girlfriend Celine back home still. It came up when telling her about what could have been a bad situation during that Skerryvore set with a very physically aggressive when drunk large man getting in the face of people he was with and right toward the start of the Skerryvore set he tried to grab me and was astonished when I evaded so easily -- and then in talking he claimed he just wanted me to confirm to him that the Gillespie brothers are objectively hot before his family apologized for the guy and interposed themselves between me and the guy the rest of the night. And that was NOT the conversational gambit I expected from this very large auroch of a man...  Also I've never seen Martin THAT angry onstage as when that guy made a grab for me (the guy was massive like a bull so wouldn't have felt pain or been easy to take down if he made it a fight situation not just an evading him getting a hold on me situation) and that close to jumping down to deal with it. Martin, Dan, and Jodie were ready to intervene and Alec looked like he didn't know what to do until it somehow turned into the guy wanting to talk to me about how hot Dan and Martin are. It started with, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to ask you, the accordion player, he's hot right?" "Dan? He's happily married. With kids." "but I mean, he's hot. Just objectively. My wife and daughter won't agree with me, but he is right?" And I started laughing then as this was the last thing I expected, "I. Well. Yes objectively he's hot. But he's also very happily married with kids back home." And the guy said, "See?! I told you!! Now. What about the piper? Is he hot too?" And he must have read my uncertainty on my face there about which of the two pipers was meant because he added, "The blond one. He's objectively hot too, right?" And I grinned again said, "Martin? That's Dan's brother and yes he is also objectively very hot. Also, Martin's not married as far as I know." At which point the guys son intervened between us apologizing and I retreated to the other side of Alana and Crissy laughing as they checked in with me and I told them that was not the conversation I had expected to have with how aggressively and suddenly the very large bull of a man had grabbed my shoulder.  Actually, both Iowa and La Crosse were spent with random people trying to ascertain who among the musicians I found hot and multiple people, all strangers, asking me about if I thought Martin and Keith were hot. It was actually really fucking hilarious. 

Anyway. By Milwaukee, there definitely seemed more beyond the obvious flirting between us an additional very successful team effort of our mutual friends trying to setup situations of Martin and me together, with Sunday being the most successful. We didn't make out or anything, but the mutual attraction was painfully obvious and even the body language while talking or him making eye contact with me across the room from the bar where two other girls were chatting him up while he ignored them to give me the biggest grin with a wink then come back over closer to our groups to talk or me casually hugging him not even thinking about it as he walked over while I was talking to other people trying to suss out the symbolism on a bottle of whiskey (which I wasn't even offered to try just to help them solve its meanings) and neither of us removing our arms from around each other while chatting until we went different directions for the next parts of the after party. As I've said, this year there's been a LOT of times seeing Skerryvore in my life and while they're back in the UK again for a few shows, I'll be seeing them again mid Sept actually. Several times again I think. (But after that I expect nothing further until like Feb next year and a lot can change in 4-5 months.) and also, the thing about me not wanting a casual hookup (not that I get the sense that's what Martin has been after wanting from me across these years) or anything that isn't serious within the Celtic music community remains very real because it's so tight knit everybody know everyone's business. Also, we have a lot of very close mutuals -- Alana, Maddie, and Keito are three of my close friends and they are all very very close in with the Skerry lads. Alana and Maddie are closest with Skobie (who was in rare form absolutely Sag brand hilarious on Sun and omg the stories and pics to prove it happened that night nearly made me pee myself I was laughing so hard) but because Keito does most of the merch for them anywhere near(ish) Milwaukee and Martin is in charge of their merch sales/logistics Keito and Martin are super tight. So crossing the attraction line into dating would definitely be a within a close knit friend group situation and not something lightly undertaken. 

That said, Martin genuinely just makes me feel happy like champagne bubbles of joy in my heart and he always makes me laugh a lot and it's all just sunshine warmth and a feeling like coming back home to a home you forgot you once had. (I've definitely been shaking loose his past lives these recent weeks, including ones where he and I knew each other. Both Sat and Sun. And I always bring out his thickest rolling brogue, which anyone who has ever heard drunk Martin knows is beautiful but hard to understand if you're not native Scottish, his accent even thickens when singing if he's near me or looks at me like with the whole farce of the cupcakes to surprise Lucy for her birthday on Sat night after party. That's a hilarious story and I should tell it properly. I will try to remember to write it all out while it's still relatively fresh, but if I forget, sorry in advance.) also worth noting, Martin is a Pisces (so all the interwoven Libra and Pisces horoscopes dancing together for over a year and a half now could be him and me as much as any other Pisces I've assumed it to mean) and he is on the very short list of people (all of whom are Pisces) who can come right up into my space bubble and I don't even notice. I think it has to be a synastry thing with their sun signs and my ascendant -- but it's not all Pisces, only some of them. 

I dunno. On verra. I'm not sure I'm what he wants but I don't know him well enough to be certain I'm not what he wants. I do know that I wake up in him ancient past lives (and ones where we were both happy) and that's part of the draw there AND that I can't see anything but good things peeking ahead down the "what if I made this choice" fatelines with him. I also don't know that he would be interested in or understands how bookish and fey and wyrd and introverted outside of concerts/dance/theatre related events I am, but I'm way less convinced than I used to be about my old assumption I'm not the sort of girl he wants as a man who doesn't lack for options in women attracted to him. Because he still doesn't lack for options of other women, and yet he still keeps being drawn back to me choosing to seek me out lighting up whenever he gets my attention whether across the room or closer by and I clearly make him more nervous than I've ever seen him be with any of the other skinny heavily makeup attention seeking girls who tend to surround him after shows unless he breaks free. But is it enough for us to move beyond mutual attraction and flirtation to something more concrete? I dunno. It's all very opaque to me and I have no idea. I can't precog or see anything about the future between him and me other than the glowing of it and that it's full of so many happy surprises I can't catch even a flash of anything else down my fateline where Martin is concerned if I make that choice.  But that does mean he meets my very strict dating criteria that I will no longer in this life date any man where I can precog see the end before the beginning. Not being able to precog anything at all counts as not being able to see the end at the start. (Technically, this is also true of Keith. Though in neither case does it mean we ever actually cross the line to date -- for both of them maybe I can't precog anything about us together because we never do get together or maybe it's because it's all happy surprises down those fate lines if I open myself up to the possibilities of them.)

 Time will tell. Because Lord knows my precogs aren't! But, all that said, right now, Martin is the only one who I have in my calendar to see again in the next couple weeks. And he has multiple opportunities in Sept of our paths crossing (but then I don't think any further opportunities until Feb -- although none of the others have dates on the books to be back in WI and when I was looking at tour dates, Skerryvore are definitely already booked to be back here in February again as well as being back close in Sept after their brief trip home to Scotland for a few festival gigs then some east coast dates on their way back here. As in, I don't know where the band is staying between the 13-23 when they have dates in other states but they adore Madison may be here in that gap before they're headed up to Appleton for 18-20, but I do know I will be seeing Martin (and the other Skerry lads) for certain certain on Sept 16 and Sept 20. Which given the level of flirting between us in Milwaukee has me curious if he will make a move for more than flirtation and body language mutual desire. He does have both his Venus and Mars in Aries so he's pretty forthright honest about his desires -- and one of my rules with dating is that I won't even consider any man who doesn't consciously choose me have the courage to act on his desires let me know his feelings. (my other rule is that I will no longer date anyone where I can see/precog the end before the beginning.) And you should know that if Martin does ask me about dating or mutual interest, I think that I will say yes. The only reason I wouldn't is if I've got good reasons not to or I think it won't last will complicate things create gossip with our mutuals in the Irish music scene or I'm already committed elsewhere. He makes me happy and he's a permanent in my life somehow at this point. And those would be reasons enough. 

But also, since the point in Aug where eric did that and I unfollowed him for taking part in the bullying system of ostracism that the girls created back in 2018, I've been in an internal place of closing the book accepting without any hard feelings making me accept that this life isn't one of reunion with Eric and me because he's refusing to listen or learn or understand why his actions/choices cause pain feed into patterns he allowed others to create in his name and push me toward letting him go giving him up. Right now, I don't hold any expectations or even desires for the future paths with Eric because he's not learning his lessons and he's yet again shown me he doesn't care about hurting me and how can you build anything with anyone who doesn't at least care about how their actions/choices affect you? And so I'm willing to choose now that I should build my life path elsewhere with someone else and Martin's life path is aligning with that if it's what I want and if he so choose. I mean, he and I have been mutually attracted but not on the same page of what we're romantically wanting for ourselves for like 10-15 years now.  because while he was sowing his wild oats he was always staring at me grinning at me whenever he caught my eye with different (sometimes multiple) women on his arm or on his lap and then when he got serious about Celine right before covid lockdowns, I just assumed that he'd found who/what he was looking for in her and she had settled him down. But these are all assumptions on my part not knowledge about what he was wanting or why, and in all fairness, through that time I also dated more widely (but never within the Celtic music scene) trying to figure out if what I believed I wanted was truly what I wanted and then I settled into "I'm not dating if I can precog the end before the beginning because that just leads to broken hearts."  This is  the first that we've both been old enough settled down enough without our affections pulled elsewhere for it to be possible for there to be anything more significant than flirtations and mutual attraction to grow between us despite like 15 years orbiting each other's periphery of mutual friends trying to throw us together and of me at their shows/after parties/bars of Skerryvore's 20 years together as a band. (And yes, Martin and Celine are definitely done and he's been very laser focused on me full of wonder (and nerves) every chance he and I have to cross paths.) But then, also, maybe it will go nowhere when I see him in a couple weeks from now and then I'll not be seeing him again until like February unless something shifts that i can't see. (but remember, I never can precog a happy surprise. And all the interweaving dance between Libra and Pisces could be as much about Martin as Eric as they ARE both Pisces men.)

This year has definitely been the year of unexpected surprise opportunistic chamomile and basil plants and of Skerryvore dates consistently and continuously with minimal to no other conflicts.

Anyway. Irish fest season was great fun and I have so many delightful wonderful stories from it! I am enjoying my while of introvert recharging with nothing in my calendar except for Packers games and getting my hours in at work and just a couple shows until my next round of seeing Skerryvore again around the mid month. Sat I'm headed to Weston's antique apple orchard because they have pink pearls and scarlett surprise (both of which I love and are not in our apple csa and can be hard to find) AND early cider then heading down to Woodstock IL to go see the last (at lease for a while) socks in the Frying Pan show with Aodan and Ian as members. (Ian, who replaced the original Fiachra for American tours, is going to law school in Madison so not touring and Aodan and his wife have a new baby he wants to spend more time with and they're moving back to Wisconsin (possibly Madison as well)  from Ireland to be closer to lee's family for raising their little.  Which means they may be here joining sessions which would be great!) 

 

P.S. Just realized on Weds night that I never set this back to public instead of private during my "I have nothing to say here at this time and nobody needs these personal rambling anyway" period. Whoops! Fixed that!