Somewhen in my recent silences of the last month, I did unfollow Eric again on his insta in the while that I wasn't posting here. *shrugs* it was Aug again -- he does have a tendency these last 7 years to eff up and lose me again due to choices of his making (not anyone else's) during Leo season. It was after his single release (which I did listen to and enjoy until I stopped listening to it when I decided to unfollow him close that door at this time because he's repeating patterns still not learning or growing or changing to be a better more accountable for his actions/choices version of him) but not long afterward . My Aug was so dominated by Irish/Scottish friends and music and festivals that it all blurs into one long craic whirlwind of a Leo season and everything else happened either before or during or after my Celtic community whirlwinds -- and me unfollowing Eric was somewhen in the during. 

Once again he posted a story I couldn't see, that once again said "Story unavailable for you." and I couldn't watch it to make it stop appearing and because he was a recent enough add, the algos kept him at the front of the unwatched stories queue along with other accounts I watch frequently (and/or are recent enough adds their stories have been watched more frequently so it thinks I want to always prioritize them -- the algos are really stupid about that tbh) and it was just really fucking annoying me to have it there reminding me about the stupidity and cruelty of the girls behaviors back in 2018 and the ongoing defensiveness of refusing to take ownership/responsibility of it and make things right and me not wanting anything to do with those sorts of stupid bullying head games. And it was right in the middle of my Irish fest season when I am crazy overly busy not getting enough sleep but constantly surrounded by people I love and who love me and want every moment of my time they can have while they can have it and often I'm wanted by many people in multiple places at once even though I can't make that happen and just have to triage it best I can. And it was really the stark contrast of the reminder of the ostracism of being unwelcome and unwanted to anything in the core center of his life involving the official Delta Rae insta account and the way the girls and their followers have handled it versus being constantly surrounded by people who do care about me and desire as much of me and my time and energy as I can give them. And the contrast made me ask myself, "Wait, what the hell am I even holding onto still here where I'm unwanted and uninvited made to feel unwelcome when I could and should be investing myself where I am wanted and invited and welcomed and even loved for me qua me just as I am?" And so I clicked on his account and clicked unfollow in a moment of pique of, "if you don't want me and I'm not welcome into the parts of your life that matter most to you, well, that's your choice but then I'm going to invest myself where I'm wanted and loved and always welcomed with the biggest open armed hugs and genuine grins and 'where have you been? What took you so long? I've missed you?' that anybody could ask for."

 And honestly? I don't WANT someone in my life or anchored in my heart who doesn't care about the ways his actions/choices or those he lets be made in his name cause pain to me or others. I don't want to put emotional faith or trust in someone who lacks self-responsibility and accountability and basic empathy like that. I don't care what the rationalizing he tells himself or listens to from others, any person who can rationalize choices to knowingly cause pain to another isn't a man I can trust to protect or care for me or my life or anyone or anything that matters to me. And so I'd rather let him go given that's the version of him he still chooses to let himself be and I will invest of myself in others who aren't so reckless and lacking in accountability for the hurt they inflict or allow others to inflict in their name. 

And it was the contrast of him doing that while I have been so enmeshed and encircled and surrounded in the love of all my Irish-Scottish music friends unto chosen family. At this point, it's a close knit community like family all my Irishfest folk and all the musicians woven through it and the Irish music community (especially those from Ireland) are really the most accepting place I've ever found for my elven witch feyness and my raw energy/power just as visiting both Ireland and Scotland felt like being welcomed home again after a too long absence when I have visited them. 

Which brings me to the men who have caught my eye and pieces of my heart though there's naught but what our eyes say and some light flirtation (thus far) between any of us. In a way, Eric's choice to share something I was blocked from seeing in early Aug pushed me to reach the, "why do I accept this recurring pattern where I am made to feel unwelcome and unwanted instead of investing my time and energy and affection where I am very much desired and welcomed?" and in so doing, it cracked something inside me that saw nothing wrong with me flirting exploring my options and considering where they might lead and opening myself up to letting the interest breathe life into itself. I don't know if I'd have been nearly so forward in my flirting or honest about the mutual attractions and interest if I hadn't reached the break point of recognizing I was done holding on to the hope things would change where the same patterns of behavior kept recurring and that I needed to invest of my heart elsewhere with better returns. 

 Keith and I did nothing much more than eye flirt and him making a point of chatting me up in the few opportunities he had -- but also his opportunities were few. And I don't actually know if he's got a girlfriend back home right now, that's not anything that came up at all. But all he's posted about since he got back to Ireland are the videos of the gigs and craic while the band was here and almost entirely all of it are about the times/places his path crossed mine. I'm not writing it off but I know not when it will have a chance to grow into something more or whatever versions of ourselves he or I will be at that time or how seriously he considers me his type.

 I also flirted with Danny but as far as I know he remains seriously smitten with his model girlfriend Vanessa back home and it's all just mutual recognition and "good to see youse again" with me and him and Knoxy. He's very honest and direct and his cousin Aoife did tell me recently while we were hugging a massive ginkgo tree together after her Joliet gig where several old ladies kept asking me if I was part of Aoife's family that I shouldn't tease her cousin even about having just missed her stateside by a few days -- that it's fine for me to tease her because we're like family and Crissy can tease Danny but I shouldn't be anything but honest myself with him. Which startled me but all I said back was that honesty deserves honesty and it's the only way he and I have ever spoken on the occasions we have. Didn't get a chance to pursue that conversation though, because Andy came looking for his fiancee Aoife to go to dinner with their hosts and right then, Crissy on the far side of the tree said that while I could spend all day with the tree and chatting with Aoife, Amy was waiting to meet us for dinner and we shouldn't keep her waiting longer. So I don't know why Aoife got serious told me not to tease her cousin Danny but only give him honesty for honesty -- especially since he's rockstar enough in Ireland that he only dates models and Irish celebrities and he's officially been public with his current model girlfriend for a year or more now. It confused me but I don't expect any clarity on it anytime soon, I don't think I'll be seeing any more of Aoife's gigs before she flies back home to Ireland and I have no idea if or when I'll be seeing Danny again next.

And Dave is affianced to Caitlin so despite the very marked differences in him in my presence versus my absence I expect him to move along with her plan to marry next June especially with how interwoven he has brought her into the business side of his music career. And I don't know Caitlin (though I can't stand how pitchy her vocals are, having her on harmonies was secondary factor to me choosing Emma Langford sets rather than his for all three days in Milwaukee. The primary was she was opposite them and everyone who would have chosen her but wanted WB3 reunion chose Gadan/Howley Brothers so almost nobody was there for Emma. And she didn't deserve such a shite scheduling so I chose her and Hannah and Alec who were playing/touring with her as her band.) Best Dave got of me at his mke sets was me off on Kiana's side catching partial set of a song or three before me flitting off to Emma's set instead because he had enough people he didn't need me there and she did. 

The flirtation with Martin of the Skerry lads progresses and it's definitely mutual and I will definitely be seeing them again in just a few weeks now.  Also Alana definitely mentioned to me that Martin is single in Iowa, which was news to me since I just assumed he was with his long time girlfriend Celine back home still. It came up when telling her about what could have been a bad situation during that Skerryvore set with a very physically aggressive when drunk large man getting in the face of people he was with and right toward the start of the Skerryvore set he tried to grab me and was astonished when I evaded so easily -- and then in talking he claimed he just wanted me to confirm to him that the Gillespie brothers are objectively hot before his family apologized for the guy and interposed themselves between me and the guy the rest of the night. And that was NOT the conversational gambit I expected from this very large auroch of a man...  Also I've never seen Martin THAT angry onstage as when that guy made a grab for me (the guy was massive like a bull so wouldn't have felt pain or been easy to take down if he made it a fight situation not just an evading him getting a hold on me situation) and that close to jumping down to deal with it. Martin, Dan, and Jodie were ready to intervene and Alex looked like he didn't know what to do until it somehow turned into the guy wanting to talk to me about how hot Dan and Martin are. It started with, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to ask you, the accordion player, he's hot right?" "Dan? He's happily married." "but I mean, he's hot. Just objectively. My wife and daughter won't agree with me, but he is right?" And I started laughing then as this was the last thing I expected, "I. Well. Yes objectively he's hot. But he's also very happily married with kids back home." And the guy said, "See? Now. What about the piper? Is he hot too?" And he must have read my uncertainty on my face there about which of the two pipers was meant because he added, "The blond one. He's objectively hot too, right?" And I grinned again said, "Martin? That's Dan's brother and yes he is also objectively very hot. Also, Martin's not married as far as I know." At which point the guys son intervened between us apologizing and I retreated to the other side of Alana and Crissy laughing as they checked in with me and I told them that was not the conversation I had expected to have with how aggressively and suddenly the very large bull of a man had grabbed my shoulder.  Actually, both Iowa and La Crosse were spent with random people trying to ascertain who among the musicians I found hot and multiple people, all strangers, asking me about if I thought Martin and Keith were hot. It was actually really fucking hilarious. 

Anyway. By Milwaukee, there definitely seemed more beyond the obvious flirting between us an additional very successful team effort of our mutual friends trying to setup situations of Martin and me together, with Sunday being the most successful. We didn't make out or anything, but the mutual attraction was painfully obvious and even the body language while talking or him making eye contact with me across the room from the bar where two other girls were chatting him up while he ignored them to give me the biggest grin with a wink then come back over closer to our groups to talk or me casually hugging him not even thinking about it as he walked over while I was talking to other people trying to suss out the symbolism on a bottle of whiskey I wasn't even offered to try just to help them solve its meanings and neither of us removing our arms while chatting until we went different directions for the next parts of the after party. As I've said, this year there's been a LOT of times seeing Skerryvore in my life and while they're back in the UK again for a few shows, I'll be seeing them again mid Sept actually. Several times again I think. (But after that I expect nothing further until next year and a lot can change in 4-5 months.) and also, the thing about me not wanting a casual hookup (not that I get the sense that's what Martin has been after wanting from me across these years) or anything that isn't serious within the Celtic music community remains very real because it's so tight knit everybody know everyone's business. Also, we have a lot of very close mutuals -- Alana, Maddie, and Keito are three of my close friends and they are all very very close in with the Skerry lads. Alana and Maddie are closest with Skobie (who was in rare form absolutely Sag brand hilarious on Sun and omg the stories and pics to prove it happened that night nearly made me pee myself I was laughing so hard) but because Keito does most of the merch for them anywhere near(ish) Milwaukee and Martin is in charge of their merch sales/logistics Keito and Martin are super tight. So crossing the attraction line into dating would definitely be a within a close knit friend group situation and not something lightly undertaken. 

That said, Martin genuinely just makes me feel happy like champagne bubbles of joy in my heart and he always makes me laugh a lot and it's all just warmth and a feeling like coming back home to a home you forgot you once had. (I've definitely been shaking loose his past lives these recent weeks, including ones where he and I knew each other. Both Sat and Sun. And I always bring out his thickest rolling brogue, which anyone who has ever heard drunk Martin knows is beautiful but hard to understand if you're not native Scottish, his accent even thickens when singing if he's near me or looks at me like with the whole farce of the cupcakes to surprise Lucy for her birthday on Sat night after party. That's a hilarious story and I should tell it properly. I will try to remember to write it all out while it's still relatively fresh, but if I forget, sorry in advance.) also worth noting, Martin is a Pisces (so all the interwoven Libra and Pisces horoscopes dancing together for over a year and a half now could be him and me as much as any other Pisces I've assumed it to mean) and he is on the very short list of people (all of whom are Pisces) who can come right up into my space bubble and I don't even notice. I think it has to be a synastry thing with their sun signs and my ascendant -- but it's not all Pisces, only some of them. 

I dunno. On verra. I'm not sure I'm what he wants but I don't know him well enough to be certain I'm not what he wants. I do know that I wake up in him ancient past lives (and ones where we were both happy) and that's part of the draw there AND that I can't see anything but good things peeking ahead down the "what if I made this choice" fatelines with him. I also don't know that he would be interested in or understands how bookish and fey and wyrd and introverted outside of concerts/dance/theatre related events I am, but I'm way less convinced than I used to be about my old assumption I'm not the sort of girl he wants as a man who doesn't lack for options in women attracted to him. Because he still doesn't lack for options of other women, and yet he still keeps being drawn back to me choosing to seek me out lighting up whenever he gets my attention whether across the room or closer by and I clearly make him more nervous than I've ever seen him be with any of the other skinny heavily makeup attention seeking girls who tend to surround him after shows unless he breaks free. But is it enough for us to move beyond mutual attraction and flirtation to something more concrete? I dunno. It's all very opaque to me and I have no idea. I can't precog or see anything about the future between him in me other than the glowing of it and that it's full of so many happy surprises I can't catch even a flash of anything else down my fateline where Martin is concerned if I make that choice.  But that does mean he meets my very strict dating criteria that I will no longer in this life date any man where I can precog see the end before the beginning. Not being able to precog anything at all counts as not being able to see the end at the start. (Technically, this is also true of Keith. Though in neither case does it mean we ever actually cross the line to date -- for both of them maybe I can't precog anything about us together because we never do get together or maybe it's because it's all happy surprises down those fate lines if I open myself up to the possibilities of them.)

 Time will tell. Because Lord knows my precogs aren't! But, all that said, right now, Martin is the only one who I have in my calendar to see again in the next couple weeks. And he has multiple opportunities in Sept of our paths crossing (but then I don't think any further until Feb -- although none of the others have dates on the books to be back in WI and when I was looking at tour dates, Skerryvore are definitely already booked to be back here in February again as well as being back close in Sept after their brief trip home to Scotland for a few festival gigs then some east coast dates on their way back here. As in, I don't know where the band is staying between the 13-23 when they have dates in other states but they adore Madison may be here in that gap before they're headed up to Appleton for 18-20, but I do know I will be seeing Martin (and the other Skerry lads) for certain certain on Sept 16 and Sept 20. Which given the level of flirting between us in Milwaukee has me curious if he will make a move for more than flirtation and body language mutual desire. He does have both his Venus and Mars in Aries so he's pretty forthright honest about his desires -- and one of my rules with dating is that I won't even consider any man who doesn't consciously choose me have the courage to act on his desires let me know his feelings. (my other rule is that I will no longer date anyone where I can see/precog the end before the beginning.) And you should know that if Martin does ask me about dating or mutual interest, I think that I will say yes. The only reason I wouldn't is if I've got good reasons not to or I think it won't last will complicate things create gossip with our mutuals in the Irish music scene or I'm already committed elsewhere. He makes me happy and he's a permanent in my life somehow at this point. And thos would be reasons enough. But also, since the point in Aug where eric did that and I unfollowed him for taking part in the bullying system of ostracism that the girls (especially his sister) created back in 2018, I've been in an internal place of closing the book accepting without any hard feelings that this life isn't one of reunion with Eric and me because he's refusing to listen or learn or understand why his actions/choices cause pain feed into patterns he allowed others to create in his name and push me toward letting him go giving him up. Right now, I don't hold any expectations or even desires for the future paths with Eric because he's not learning his lessons and he's yet again shown me he doesn't care about hurting me and how can you build anything with anyone who doesn't at least care about how their actions/choices affect you? And so I'm willing to choose now that I should build my life path elsewhere with someone else and Martin's life path is aligning with that if he so choose. I mean, he and I have been mutually attracted but not on the same page of what we're romantically wanting for ourselves for like 10-15 years now.  because while he was sowing his wild oats he was always staring at me grinning at me whenever he caught my eye with different (sometimes multiple) women on his arm or on his lap and then when he got serious about Celine right before covid lockdowns, I just assumed that he'd found who/what he was looking for in her and she had settled him down. But these are all assumptions on my part not knowledge about what he was wanting or why, and in all fairness, through that time I also dated quite widely (but never within the Celtic music scene) trying to figure out if what I wanted was what I wanted and then I settled into "I'm not dating if I can precog the end before the beginning because that just leads to broken hearts."  This is  the first that we've both been old enough settled down enough without our affections pulled elsewhere for it to be possible for there to be anything more significant than flirtations and mutual attraction to grow between us despite like 15 years orbiting each other's periphery of mutual friends trying to throw us together and of me at their shows/after parties/bars of Skerryvore's 20 years together as a band. (And yes, Martin and Celine are definitely done and he's been very laser focused on me full of wonder (and nerves) every chance he and I have to cross paths.) But then, also, maybe it will go nowhere when I see him in a couple weeks from now and then I'll not be seeing him again until like February unless something shifts that i can't see. (but remember, I never can precog a happy surprise. And all the interweaving dance between Libra and Pisces could be as much about Martin as Eric as they ARE both Pisces men.)

This year has definitely been the year of unexpected surprise opportunistic chamomile and basil plants and of Skerryvore dates consistently and continuously with minimal to no other conflicts.

Anyway. Irish fest season was great fun and I have so many delightful wonderful stories from it! I am enjoying my while of introvert recharging with nothing in my calendar except for Packers games and getting my hours in at work and just a couple shows until my next round of seeing Skerryvore again around the mid month. Sat I'm headed to Weston's antique apple orchard because they have pink pearls and scarlett surprise (both of which I love and are not in our apple csa and can be hard to find) AND early cider then heading down to Woodstock IL to go see the last (at lease for a while) socks in the Frying Pan show with Aodan and Ian as members. (Ian, who replaced the original Fiachra for American tours, is going to law school in Madison so not touring and Aodan and his wife have a new baby he wants to spend more time with and they're moving back to Wisconsin (possibly Madison as well)  from Ireland to be closer to lee's family for raising their little.  Which means they may be here joining sessions which would be great!) 

 

P.S. Just realized on Weds night that I never set this back to public instead of private during my "I have nothing to say here at this time and nobody needs these personal rambling anyway" period. Whoops! Fixed that!