I'm not actually thinking or feeling like going anywhere, I'm not even feeling a pull or need like "I must figure things out change everything right now" inside me. I'm actually sitting in a very zen trusting internal space that has faith in "things are unfolding the way that is best to get what is best and most right at the right time in the right way." I don't really have agitation in my heart or soul right now -- nothing to run from or run toward and no anxiety about the time disappearing that one can never have back once those moments pass. The recent posts are more that I was doing some introspection of looking back over this year and the heart spaces I moved through and trying to understand the whys and things I didn't see or realize while moving through it. 

I'm not feeling the need to put energy into ANY of my potential choices I can see right now actually, more of "let's wait and see as time breathes into what's unfolding where I can't see it -- I don't need to make any choices until I'm at a branching and can see what the choices are between."  I'm not agitated or have the bit in my teeth or set my mind on anything. I'm perfectly happy to focus on pouring my love and energy and attention into who/what IS choosing to be in my life right now and waiting to see what the future has to offer me when we get there.

 I actually only have not quite 3 weeks remaining before I fly out to visit my sister and her family for the holidays (and they're keeping me out in the Pac Northwest for just over two weeks again) -- so the rest of this year is going to disappear really quickly.  I'm actually already doing the thing mentally where I'm certain I'm in the next year already and the current year just looks wrong and I have to double triple check make sure I'm not writing the date wrong. (it's like the way some people get in Jan/Feb writing the previous year, I often spend the ending of a year having to fight myself not to write the COMING year telling myself "No Dani, 25 is still right. 26 is wrong for now.") Last year, that wrongness of the current year wanting to write the coming year instead started in late Aug actually -- the second earliest it's ever happened to me. And that was an "ugh the rest of this year is terrible -- let's just skip ahead please" whereas THIS time it feels like, "the rest of the year is lovely -- but next year is even better and I want to get there!" inner sense. This year it just started in the last several days, somewhere around mid November, that I started thinking 25 looked wrong and dates on everything should say 26 and need to forcibly remind myself I'm not there yet and not to just skip over the joys of the end of this year and the time it gives me to spend with the people and animal and plants and places and things that I love that are currently in my life. 

Also. I'm really looking forward to the prospect of snow (REAL snow that stays) later this week!!!! I mean, it's bad for anyone driving following Thanksgiving -- but I'm excited and ready for it!!! Tomorrow is the last day of the unseasonably warm weather and then Weds the winds will change and bring in snow! 

Anyway, I realized I should maybe give some reassurance that me analyzing HOW I choose my course might cause uncertainty/anxiety that it's born from me reconsidering choices or making choices for my future paths right now in this moment. And I wanted to reassure that it was more self reflection on my how trying to explain it during a calm pause where I'm NOT choosing between fate lines, I'm not pulling myself toward any set of them, I'm just enjoying my life as it is currently constructed and loving the people currently in my life and waiting with excitement/anticipation to see the brightness over the horizon where I can't see it. (But I'll never precog a happy surprise -- because i asked for that because I love the way it feels to be surprised by something really good. I only precog the bad things or the banal quotidian things. Never the things that will light me up with joy that are surprises.) 

Curiously, from right here and now, these recent days ALL my fate lines are lit up bright with how I follow my choices. Every damn one. Literally none of them don't have it glowing somewhere over the horizon into the future into the places even I can't see. That bright glow is just there as a promise in all of them. Like, I suppose maybe if I made choices that truncated my life entirely I wouldn't reach that glow -- but right now EVERY path open to me that I can choose between leads to that brightness. Which is something I haven't seen in my fate lines for a long time, maybe closer to a decade, now.... And maybe that's why I wanted to think about it and analyze it and come to understand how I make my choices -- because right now it's brightly shining down all the fatelines. And shining brighter than it has in YEARS.

I don't know why though. I just know is. And is right now means there's no way in my fate lines open to me NOT to reach that brightness somewhen in the future -- all paths lead there no matter what I choose as long as I live long enough to get from here to there. (and before you get worried, I don't see my death coming toward me any time soon, not even a nexus point where I COULD die -- I just like to be careful in the promises I make to acknowledge what is beyond my control. Including acknowledging all mortal bodies are finite and every new day is a gift you weren't promised you would reach.)   Doesn't tell me HOW to get there, just promises the brightness IS down every fate line open to me I could choose between right now. And it's SOOO very bright right now! Like staring at the horizon over the ocean while the sun is rising and there's no clouds or anything between you and the crack of brilliant light flooding up into everything. It's that intensely bright right now down all the fate lines....

And that's curious and something worth noting. It's something very different from how it's been in recent years. 

 Hmmm, yes, I suppose those paths letting myself consider and pursue other men and other future paths for myself and all could be bright because somehow they lead me back toward reunion when the direct path wouldn't. I can't say it isn't true.... I never have seen very much but glimpses down them and the sense of their bright glowing energy of the promise of what I'm seeking down those paths -- and while the glimpses of the contingent precogs of those relationships exist as options I can choose, I'd be lying if I said I saw far into the future among them. So maybe it's the way that still existed when the direct routes were closed.

I hadn't thought of that until just now. Sometimes, the most direct obvious route can't get you what you're seeking but the one that seems to lead in the opposite direction gets you right there. And sometimes the Universe works its best when the individual accepts and learns the lesson that clinging too hard to your own idea of the way things should be is the most thorough way to block yourself from getting that. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go of what you want for it to unfold into your life at the right time in the right way. 

The trick of it though is you have to be honest. You have to mean it. You have to truly release what you set your heart on and accept that it isn't yours to demand and it isn't yours to keep and it may never be yours before the Universes will give it to you in those type of lessons. It doesn't work until your sacrifice is as real as Isaac and Jacob, as real as Agamemnon and Iphigenia (with or without the promise of the last minute divine substitution for having given from a clear heart when you were asked to) of giving up what you love and desire most to the will of what you're told must be within the unfolding.... Sometimes, that is the lesson and the way to get your hearts desires, to let go of what you clung to and the way you thought it ought to be. And sometimes you just lose it and learn it was never meant for you and you try to tell yourself you're better for letting go of what was never yours to keep. 

Sometimes the way out of the labyrinth and the way to the center of the hedge maze requires you to walk a path that for a time seems to head exactly away from the goal. Because the path straight to the goal dead ends isn't the way through the maze. 

So it is possible that the choosing another path guided by that bright glow IS the only remaining ways to reach reunion even when it means letting go of him and letting go of any hope/faith there is a way and we will get there if we stay clear hearted in what we seek for our happiness. Also sometimes the lessons are in the losing, or at least realizing something CAN be lost to you, so you don't take it for granted or choose other things for now believing it will always be there. 

I can't say for certain any of that is the truth of this....whatever it is.... Tangled fucking mess, that's what it is. Veritable Gordian Knot.... But then, the legend is that the answer Alexander the Great gave to undoing the impossible tangle of knots was to cut through it completely with his sword.  Maybe it doesn't matter how tangled complicated we get ourselves tied up in things, maybe all we need is the courage and clear sight to cut right through the whole damn thing with a sword and unbind ourselves from the tangled mess. 

But I hadn't ever even considered until this late night/early morning that maybe in pursuing the other bright futures paths, even when it looked like me considering to build my future with someone else entirely, it was really just the long circuitous way back to where the reconnection of potential reunion can happen to make those contingent precogs possible again. Perhaps. 

I don't see far or clearly enough over the horizon into the future fate lines -- I can only see up to the horizon no further. Even I have my limits on what I can see and hold with my gifts while incarnated in a physical form. 

But maybe that's why it feels the same to me. Why that wasn't a lie when I said nothing changed for me taking those completely opposite seeming tacks.  Why giving up feels like the only way to keep fighting forward towards my desired goal. Maybe what the glow on those fatelines is, maybe all it ever was, is the promise that if I pursue this course now and try to look elsewhere and accept letting him go, that's the only way back to the fatelines we can reach each other have the chance to choose a shared life path, one of reunion...

Perhaps. I dont know. Because I don't yet know all the choices yet to be made, let alone all the choices not made and all the paths truncated by those. 

But I know that each of the paths I've ever chosen between the ones open to me, at any point in all my lives, it has always been to pursue the path(s) still open to me where that light and promise of a future full of love and more joys than sorrows can be seen shining brightest. It's always been how I guide my choices.... Even when the choices seem a complete 180 from the path I've been choosing before I reached that branching. 

And that every time, the decision I had to make for those choices, no matter what I made me let go of or give up, I made those choices open handed whole hearted certain that in accepting those hard truths, I was heading toward my best possible fate lines still open to me. Because they were the ones lit up all shiny full of love light.

 I never even considered this possibility til this early morning when it suddenly just popped into my head. 

I. Give me some times to consider it. I can't prove it false yet -- but I also don't have the data to prove it true. So let me follow the twists and turns of it see where this line of thinking leads and what evidence there might be for either side of accepting or rejecting it. 

But I do know it's as true about me that all my choices came from choosing to follow the fate lines open to me where that golden promise of love shines brightest in exactly the same way it is my truth when I say from a full heart but an open hand that I want him to find and have whatever happiness it is he seeks for himself EVEN IF that means accepting he chose a path where there is no place for me in his life as he has chosen to construct it.  They're both as true and honest for me as saying I've never seen any fatelines for me brighter than the ones that bring us together onto a shared life path and that if he wanted and chose me I'd choose him every time in every life. Always. As long as I'm some part of what he wants and would choose for himself... These are all among my truths, they always have been, no matter how tangled contradictory my actions or choices may seem from the outside. 

So. I need to think about whether it's the SAME brightness and if maybe it's because only in genuinely choosing those other paths does a way open back up to the truncated fate lines of a future of a shared life path. 

I need to consider the potential value of this idea.... 

 

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 11/23 in Libra: You see a friendship budding. In the sense of whatever you can see. Let it be a sweetness. You can see the good parts. You can see it all clearly."

"Week of 11/23 in Pisces: Nothing you knew before, but it’s not about knowing. It’s not about seeing it truly. It’s about orange. It’s about the little insects. It’s about truth." 

 Hmmm... I think I misspoke a bit in the last couple posts about how I wander myself between fate lines. When I said nothing had changed, I didn't mean that the way it maybe sounded. 

Obviously things were changed in switching course/focus -- if you want to use the metaphor of being the author of one's own life story I was choosing between completely different plots and completely different characters. Choosing between completely different lives and completely different versions of myself and completely different life paths surrounded by completely different people to love and to be loved by.... Nobody involved was interchangeable and none of the life paths even remotely alike. 

Everything changed, every detail of every one of those potential life paths and every version of me that could walk them changed -- even though my criteria for choosing between them didn't change.

What didn't change is that I set myself potential courses based on the brightness of the glow I found of being seen for me qua me and being surrounded by love of those who I loved and a path more full of joys than sorrows if I chose it. The glow of those promises and the brightness of them and the fact I couldn't see an end before the beginning with any of the men I considered were my criteria. So the method I used to guide my choices didn't change -- just every aspect of every part of my future life changed depending on the choices but they were/are/could be all good choices that fulfill my stated goal in a way that is brighter and clearer than with others I dismissed from consideration. 

Are the future paths I had seen shared with Eric brighter more ablaze with love and energy and power and a feeling of rightness than any of the others? Yes, but only as long as the way to them exists. When there's no path to reach them, the brightness and glow of them is just completely snuffed out like a candle in a draft -- because if they're unreachable then me stubbornly clinging to the hope of them is a path that doesn't bring me a life surrounded in love with more joys than sorrows. It just doesn't. There has to be a way for me to reach them that makes them blaze up so bright with that promise -- it's like needing to make all the connections that close the circuit for the power source to reach the light bulb. Think of this moment like the power source and the future life path down the fate line like the lightbulb (and they can be different wattages or whatever) but everything has to connect to get from here to there for that brightness to shine out and sing to me what those fate lines hold. When the way is blocked unreachable, all the light and brightness of those future life paths goes out in the same moment those fate lines are rendered unreachable. 

So it's not that nothing changes for me, it's just that what I use as my process to guide me in my choices is unchanged even while everything I'm choosing between may look radically different at the quotidien surface level. 

I don't know if that made more or less sense of things.... But it's the best I can try to explain what I meant by stating that for me nothing changed. Because obviously EVERYTHING changed by changing focus/desired life paths, but what I meant was what I use to guide my wandering wasn't changed at all because it's about the flow of the fatelines offered, not the individuated changes in the script to completely different stories. Which is maybe confusing, especially since most people's goals are about the surface levels scripts they choose for their life paths....but that's the best I can try to describe it this morning to help try to make it make more sense what I meant.

I still don't have any idea what Eric wants or how he's choosing his life path this life. I only know that his choices (and my choices) shifted both our paths to light up those fate lines again of us having a shared life path and for contingent precogs to once more be reaching me frequently -- but I don't know the steps or choices that have made or will make the connections so the circuit completed to make them reachable again. I only see glimpses along it and the brightness shining all along it even beyond the glimpses I've had. I can't see everything along it unless/until I choose to walk that path and convert all the could bes of the future fate lines into present moments that become memory pearls of the ossified set life path story line I tread from this body's birth to its death. I can only see the brightness along it of what I'm seeking that I set my course by and glimpses of moments along it of contingent precogs that could be if we take those branching options of fate lines. But even I can't see all of it while it's still in the soup of the future potentials not the past of the choices already made that can no longer be unmade because they are trapped on the thread of memories behind the crucible of the present moment as it is lived. 

And. Anyway. What would be the point of living it and walking it if I could see all of it ahead? It's enough for me to have the promise of how bright it can be with the criteria I chose for guiding this life of mine and to have the glimpses like promises of the contingent precogs that will be if only we choose them. It's still far more I'm given having certainty on that much than most people have for making their choices. 

In my last post, I'm not saying you NEED to choose to communicate with me -- that would be very antithetical to my nature and ethics to tell you what you NEED to do. Or even me telling someone else what they OUGHT to do would be unlike me -- best you usually get s me asking you lots of questions until you find your own answers and/or me telling you what I would do and why if you ask for advice instead of questions for you to consider.  I'm trying to explain how I make my own process for my wandering choices paths so it doesn't seem quite so random or contradictory and you can better understand it for making your own choices. You should choose what feels most right for your own soul's journey, your own life path, your own heart's needs -- and I can't tell you what that is for you better than you can work to know your own truth. 

What I was trying to say is, "this is how I work, I know it's not normal but it's the only way I know to set my own course even though I know it can look aimless or contradictory from the outside -- and if something MATTERS to you and you wouldn't knowingly make choices to remove that from your present/future, that's something that if you tell me I can fit it in to finding the best possible paths KNOWING it's your own free will choice to value something want to keep it within your own future fate lines. But I can't know it for certain until you make that choice and you make the choice to be certain I know this about what your truth and your isness and your free will choices." You don't HAVE to choose to communicate, it's your choice what you do and why -- but know that if I don't have that information I'll muddle through the best I can (including my own mistakes) in the fullest knowledge available to me -- and IF that knowledge contains a mistake about your priorities and choices, then I may choose to wander a path where you lose what your own heart would choose and your own soul needs simply because I didn't know it mattered to you and I was choosing the brightest path without taking that knowledge about your inner truths into account. Just because I see what is unseen to most people and can figure out a lot using logic and can intuitively KNOW truths that make no sense how I might know it, it doesn't mean I'm infallible or that I don't make mistakes at the limits of my blinders and of what I cannot see from my own subjective perspective.

I remember quite distinctly being in 5th grade and then again in 6th grade when they were having us take aptitude tests for careers and started asking us what I WANTED to do with my life. And I remember being confused by the question and finally saying, "I want to live a life full of love, surrounded by souls I love and who love me. And I want to make things better and brighter for my touch upon them as much as I can. And I want to pick a life path where the joys are brighter and stronger than the sorrows." And I just got complete incomprehension from the adults who wanted teleological career goals or family life goals or wealth goals -- something they could aim me towards or a passion for me to focus on. But I was good at pretty much everything I set my hand to trying and in my worst subjects (math because my ADHD got bored re-checking my own work even though it could be meticulous detail oriented checking others work) I was an A- or AB student even at the most difficult levels available. So they had me stick to the academic heavy route and told me to consider paths within what my career aptitude tests told me (which were either arts/philosophy or medicine/science/law -- and those were so widely different they told me to focus on the methodical path since the other could be pursued as hobbies.) But now I've seen the version of me down those paths and how it can't let me have or do what I want to do for the health of my own soul and what healing I can give the world so I consciously didn't choose the last of those paths in college when I realized that the healing I wanted to do (to fix what is broken and teach people how not to break in the future) didn't fit within the mold of modern western medicine and me going to medical school -- once I saw that I couldn't unsee it and so instead I told the Universe, "Alright, you guide me where I should wander with my gifts to achieve my own goals even if they don't fit the metrics of the current society." And ever since I've been wandering based on following the will o the wisp of brightest best fate lines to meet those "intangible" goals of my own.

I will follow that brightness as my guide posts and respect your free will past the point it eclipses out the possibility of the fate lines to get what you actually want if you don't make sure I understand what you value and desire and your free will would choose if you could see into the future as clearly as I can. I don't know what I don't know -- if you TELL me, "hey this matters more to me than this other choice, it is a price I'm not willing to sacrifice" then I will at least let you know the risks of what I see so you can then choose with the fullest possible knowledge. I just won't tell you all the fates and futures and consequences I see unless you directly ask or I know the information you will need to keep you from ending up on paths you would never choose if you knew where they actually led.

 But you should choose what to share and with whom just as much as what you value and what you would choose for your own future self and life path and fate lines. You're the one who must walk your path, nobody else walks it for you -- so you must choose what you believe your own best choices. Including what you communicate to me or don't as well as who/what your own free will would choose for your own life.

 We're all of us just doing the best we can in our choices with the knowledge we have and the tools at our disposal in the moment. If you want better choices, you need better information or better tools -- that's all. I can't teach you how to see and experience through my subjective experiences nor would I tell you that you should make the choices I will make with my own subjective experiences -- the best I can give you is trying to explain how my process works and to advise you that if you are honest and direct letting me know what matters to your choices and your process it will give me better knowledge for my choices just as trying to understand my process and desires and guiding principles will give you better knowledge base for your choices. I can't make you communicate your side of it, the best I can do is choose what IS within my own power and gift you that and advise why my process would get you better results for what you ACTUALLY want if you communicate to me what you want most and why so I better understand what your free will would ACTUALLY choose if it could see the consequences of choices the way I can see it.

 But you should do with that gift and advice what you want and whatever choice you feel best suits your free will and your own heart's desire and your own soul's journey to guide you on your life path that you and only you will ever trod (no matter how superficially it echoes the paths of others, it is uniquely yours which is why your choices are most sacrosanct for your own journey.) . 

 

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 11/16 in Libra: One love ignites us all. One pink dream. Is what you found among the purple bed. Could it be beyond detail? It is beyond comprehension." 

 "Week of 11/16 in Pisces: If you held it forth. Hold your friend closely. Unpaper the ballroom. Dance again. Dance with your own dreams."

 

I. Look. 

I haven't made any decisions or promises around the precogs returning or what from the outside sounds like me yet again changing my mind on my course of actions and what I wanted because nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. Let me repeat, NOTHING has changed as far as I'm concerned. What has changed is the parameters and choices OTHER people have made and what fate lines that opens and closes for me to choose between. But my own ethical code and my own desires that I use to choose from the options of possible fate lines to get the ones that give me the most of what I desire without me compromising my own ethics, the factors I use to choose my own wandering path that hasn't changed at all. It never has. 

Which. I recognize that sounds contradictory, I think I often do from the outside, but on the INSIDE it's all the same strong love lit up with rock solid core stability of foundations. 

Because. Here's the thing, I don't just blindly wander through life setting arbitrary society driven "goals" for a projection of perfection/happiness that I then have to try to achieve no matter what cost or fail at those goals to be classed a failure in my own or other people's eyes. That's a fucking shit stupid way to set the course of your life no matter how externally successful it might look. I mean, I know it's "what everyone does" but just look at it clearly and it's a shit stupid way to set course in your life. It's like picking an arbitrary gps coordinate, where you don't even know what IS there until you get there (you only know what you hope will be there and the illusion you force on it by your hope) and say you're going to get there regardless the terrain or the weather or anything standing in your way or you might have to navigate around and you won't be "successful" til you get to that exact coordinate you arbitrarily picked -- and you still won't even know what is at that coordinate til you stand there ready to pick a new random arbitrary coordinate to aim for. It's fucking idiotic as a mode for navigating -- even going the way the crow flies doesn't take such idiotic and arbitrary routes but that's the way most people set their goals for their lives. It's fucking stupid. 

I mean, me, I wander. But mostly that's simply because I can peek at what is any given set of coordinates and if I decide it's a moment of isness I want on my life path I'm happy to take the most pleasant/beautiful/interesting route to get there exactly when it will be everything I saw and wanted for myself. I mean, the saying goes, "Man makes plans and the Divine laughs" (I've heard it as G-d or the angels or the Universe, so just sub in whatever omniscient spiritual power you would prefer if you don't like "the Divine") and this is even more true for me than anyone else. But the thing with how it works for me is if I try to make plans, the Divine laughs by showing me EXACTLY where that choice leads me and what the fateline gets me and the prices I will pay and sacrifice and the other choices I will lose out on ever making to arrive to that plan. The Divine laughs at my plans like a good teacher to a small child who thinks their idea cute but not at all the best way to solve a math problem and instead shows me why that doesn't get me to the answer I want and instead shows me the path that does get me to what I was actually trying to reach. The Divine doesn't laugh at my plans the normal way, it does it by giving me a glimpse of time the way it sees it and promising me there's a better fate line out there than the one I arbitrarily chose and illuminating for me how to find that path. Which is why I wander the way I do -- wouldn't you if you had the means to see ahead what will be at the coordinates you arbitrarily picked when you get there on the route you planned to take?

So I don't make my choices the way a normal person does. I never set myself a goal by saying "I will have $2.5 million in my bank account by 2030" or "I will have a successful career doing what I love most and it will make me famous" or "I will be married by 25 and have kids and the perfect home and family and a golden retriever" or even "I will find the love of my life other half my own soul and we will be together romantically build our lives together until one or both of us die" because implicit in every such normal arbitrary set of goals is the clause "I don't care what the cost or sacrifice to achieve this goal as long as I get to it or die trying."  And to my mind, that's a fantastically idiotic way if your goal is to end up with something you actually want rather than just ticking off checklists of goals til you reach the top of the mountain now have to find another mountain to climb to create meaning for your life. It's fucking stupid as a way to get you anything you ACTUALLY might want or need or what would be best for your soul's health/well-being.

For me, I look at all the given fate lines currently open to me and use my own ethics to help me navigate to reach the fate line and contingent precogs that I most want to add to the chain of memories that make up my life path. Not all the fate lines that ever could be, just the ones currently open to me on that snapshot of a moment -- and other people's choices can truncate and destroy future fatelines just as much as my own choices. It's like standing in front of a menu taking so long to decide what to order that someone else orders the last butternut squash soup and even if that's what you realized you wanted, other people's choices have taken it off the menu and so now your choices are only what IS on the menu -- which may include the French onion soup they used to replace the now gone butternut squash soup or may mean there's no longer any soup available on the menu of options and all because other people's choices have altered what's available. 

For me, my ethics include my belief in the sanctity of free will. I am not the girl who is going to say, "I want this one person or thing so much that I will insist on having it even if it doesn't want me back and trying to force it would make everyone miserable." I'm not even the girl who says, "I want to do this thing so you have to do it as well even if you don't want to" because instead I'm the girl who shrugs says, "alright, if we can't find something we both want to do and if this isn't what you want to do I still want to so I'm going to go do this and you go do whatever you want and whenever we want to do the same thing let's reconnect. We should both do what makes us happy, even if it's apart, not make us both unhappy trying to do something that causes friction or fighting because someone doesn't want it." I only know how to want and to love and to live with an open hand, to say "pursue what you desire if you don't desire the same thing I desire -- I'd rather you be happy and not with me than to see you unhappy or make myself unhappy doing things we don't want just to be together." I will give you new information and advice and tell you my thoughts/feelings -- and then immediately tell you, "but you don't have to believe or do that; it's your life, live it on your terms not mine."  

It's not contradictory then for me to go back and forth between considering relationships with multiple men who all have potential future fate lines of me loving and being loved and having more joy than sorrow in my future for as long as that is the truth of the potential fate lines IF I choose them and they choose me -- or that WHEN those men choose to date other women it completely truncates snuffs out the fatelines with me from being among my choices in that moment so I change course to choose from among the fate lines that ARE open to me. I didn't change my mind that I want my future to be as full as possible of love and light and more happy moments than difficult ones -- other people's choices just took off the menu or put on the menu different futures for me to consider how well or poorly they would allow me that. I will never force someone to choose me, and in fact I will only ever wish them the happiness they seek when they make choices that truncate future fate lines shared with me, but when their choices change the fatelines available to me at that moment I will choose the best I can from the fatelines on the menu not wishing for options I can not currently have... I may decide my best fate lines are to wait and do nothing to see if the menu changes or to focus my attention on wandering to go see something beautiful or interesting along the way until I can check in what fate lines are open to me at another time/space point in my life path -- but I will still only be choosing from amongst the fate lines currently available to me to reach the best of the options I have for converting contingent precogs into beautiful lived moments into memories. 

It's not me being fickle, it's just me being realistic and setting my course by my desired best fate lines open to me rather than getting stuck on the idea of the one true path I must follow to reach an arbitrarily chosen goal regardless the cost or sacrifices to get there. 

Quite literally, if Eric chose for himself consistently the paths that lead to me and he made it clear he wants to share his future life path with me, I would consistently choose to bring that ever closer into the present until we were both living it together because those are, and have always been, the brightest shiniest full of love and happy moments in the fatelines possible to me. But that's contingent on the IF of his choices and me trusting in him knowing himself to know what he's seeking (or at least know better than anyone else could) and those choices leading him to a shared life path with me that I can see is open/reachable to us for me to also choose it. But IF Eric starts choosing other women or other things that lead away from a future shared life path with me and those fatelines get truncated disappear, I will accept that he is making the best choices possible for what happiness he is seeking desires for his life and I will accept those brightly shining fate lines of our future shared life path do not currently exist and I will start looking around for the best and brightest fate lines so I can have as much mutually chosen love as possible in my life and as much more joy than sorrow as the potential fate lines allow. 

Does that make sense? I'm choosing based on what gets me to the brightest available future moments of the futures currently available for me to choose between. I don't necessarily stop WANTING what's not on the menu, a person wants what a person wants, I just can't choose it at that time because it's not among the options available. No amount of wanting butternut squash soup will get it for you if there isn't any squash available right now for the kitchen to even try to make it -- so pick something else from what you CAN choose and just let that wanting be with no way to sate it. 

Honestly, unless you piss me off or the consequences are horrible enough or you ask me directly, I probably won't even tell you the consequences of your choices and what it truncates removes from the fate line options.... I don't enjoy playing Cassandra, most of the time nobody listens and I just have to carry inside me the things I've seen if they can't be changed or another choice made -- and it's a rare person who listens wants to hear to make their choices in fullest knowledge. If there's something you definitely don't want to happen or to accidentally choose because you can't experience the fate lines the way I do, you only have hindsight, but you know you don't want to even consider any of those future fatelines then it's best to tell me that directly and let me know so I am more likely to at least warn you, "hey you're free to make that choice but just know if you do, it will be paid for by losing this thing you claimed you want to keep in your life. At least make your choices in full knowledge."

I'd say I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm just being the only version of myself I know how to be -- including my gifts and clairsentient aspects of my own subjective experience. Just... I don't expect you to make your choices for steering your life path in the same process or same knowledge base I do, but just communicate. Especially if you know you wouldn't choose something if you knew the consequences of that choice were to sacrifice something you desire/value and wouldn't ever choose to give up or lose.

Or like, at the bare minimum, if you do something and then after the fact a consequence makes you go, "nope. Not okay with that. This isn't what I want at all" please just communicate that with me and we will then work together to find the path that gets us from here back onto a path toward what you do want for yourself and where I can see the bright fatelines opening out shining through our futures again. But without you communicating and telling me that, how could I ever know or assume that you weren't making the choices to reach the happiness you're seeking for yourself? Do I really seem the sort of girl would assume her own importance to you is greater than your free will choices and what may be guiding them? If I were the sort of girl to assume that, would I even be any part of the happiness that you might think you want when you think you want your idea of me?

Just. If you don't like what your choices get you or the consequences of past choices, just communicate what it is you know you do or don't want so I can at least know the choices of your heart not just the arbitrary goal you're setting out on not realizing what it will cost you to get there the way you chose to try to reach it....

Because. I won't ever be making my choices by trying to make plans based on immutable blindly arbitrary goals without knowing the costs. Not even to say, "I want this person regardless of what he wants or if I can be any part of that."  Because the Universe laughs at me by showing me the price to pay for it as well as exactly what I will get and what I will lose if I insist on that plan. I will always make my choice for the brightest possible fate lines available to me to choose between at that time -- and if you want to be included in that wandering way of doing things you can be and I will welcome you with open arms -- but you're going to have to communicate make sure that I know that shared life path IS your choice for the happiness you seek and that no matter whatever else you use to help guide your path keeping those shared life paths among the brightest possible fate line available is what you want to aim for. 

I need to know it's important to the happiness you seek that you can keep me in your life and/or that a shared life path with me IS the happiness you seek if you want to keep me from wandering away anytime anyone makes a choice that eclipses you out of my brightest possible fate lines open to me.  Because I can make choosing you a priority in how I make my choices, but I have to know that you want to consistently choose me as a priority of your own -- if I don't know that and you never communicate it to me, I'm going to trust you know you own heart and soul better than I could know it and read your choices as born from free will and that knowing to guide you toward the happiness you seek for yourself... And then I'm going to wander off to seek the brightest of the fate lines what exist are open to me whether or not that wandering path includes a space for me remaining in your life and I will do so believing you to be happy having exactly what you chose to seek to build your life around and the happiness you've chosen for your life path. 

Well after the last post trying to discuss the depths of some of my wyrd gifts (my precogs are hardly the tip of the iceberg of my gifts, they're probably not even the most powerful -- I'm rather a lot in the spiritual/magical powers department and it's impossible to miss if you spend too much time with me or you're really sensitive to energy and psychic/intuitive/spiritual/magic energy work) I guess the only place to go from there is the most banal shallow first world problems self indulgent post I can think of (without being dishonest) so here you go. Because everyone, and I do mean everyone, is a multiplicity of facets. The shallow ego driven sides as well as the depths across lifetimes and the unexpectedly powerful things we can do, sometimes without even knowing how unusual those things are. 

My hair is at the annoying point of growing out where I feel like I just can't do anything with it and it just looks awful more often than not and I need to decide if I'm going to cut it shorter again (maybe with bangs) or keep letting it grow out until it's long again. It's actually longer than the worst part of growing out because I can pull it back but it still seems like an annoying ugly never does what I want length because my hair is curly.  Which leaves me SOME leeway in the "Dear gods, it has grown out so uneven" because curls don't do precision cuts and every curl has a different curl pattern and so I probably should schedule to go get it cut but I don't want to lose too much length on it because it's not growing as fast as it normally does. (I don't know if it's because I cut it at the wrong phase of the moon, if it's age, if it's my recent diet not eating enough protein, if it's products that my hair isn't the keenest on (I've been trying Prose which is spendy and I don't think I will continue but I don't want to use Aveda which I used to use and love because they changed the formula and it's too heavy for my hair type...) My hair normally grows anywhere from 2 to 4 inches in a month, generally more in the summer than the winter but since chopping it off in May, it's only been growing about 1 to 2 inches a month so it's still shorter than I want it to be before it gets cut next because unless I WANT a short haircut (which I don't think I want, my hair grows so fast that most short haircuts are a LOT of maintenance work) then I want it long enough to pull back. It's long enough that it can be pulled back into a half ponytail, a high ponytail, a low ponytail, and pigtails of various lengths, French braid, and pigtail French braids but if the humidity increases so the curl increases, it may not STAY in any of them except a multi layered French ponytail. And I suppose winter has less humidity so it should STAY in hairstyles better without completely curling out of them or breaking hair ties or sending bobby pins flying when the curls get tighter and the volume larger.

 It's actually only a little more than an inch past my collar bone when pulled straight even if the curls make it look shorter than shoulder length. (It was down past mid back/nipple length curl and down past my bra strap almost to my waist when I cut it off at the nape of my neck in May to bury the braid with Spock.)

It's just SUCH an annoying length right now and I feel like it always looks a mess and not in a good "curly hair bedhead" way of messy but in the "druggy wannabe rockstar who can't afford to get it cut" way of being a mess....  

 

 Anyway, I'm sure it's not going to be a long term "I fucking hate my hair so much" longterm but it's really annoying me right now and has been for the last month or so until it's long enough that it isn't just hittinng my shoulder in very uneven "is this curly or straight or some weird hybrid mix of the two" emo messiness.  

 Or rather, as straight as my hair gets -- which isn't ACTUALLY straight, it does weird curl/wave breaks and flips especially where it hits my shoulders and then still gets ringlets at the temple  

My hair actually doesn't straighten well and almost never stays straight. I have family members with more consistently tight curl pattern than mine who can flat iron their hair, but mine starts curling at the temples and at the ends within 15 minutes of flat ironing my hair even if you use chemical straighteners on it. The curl beast has a mind of its own, and I will say that one thing about growing up with curly hair is that you quickly learn that some battles can't be won and aren't getting fussed about when you lose them AND that you can never ever ever ever expect slick polished perfection of me unless you're willing to hire a team to constantly be fixing it and I allow it for the sake of the pictures. Curly hair just has a mind of its own and in my case, the more vibrantly alive I am, the bigger the pouf and the tighter the curls I get and the more likely it is that my hair is going to create enough volume and energy to start breaking hair ties and flinging bobby pins out in randomly... Like, my hair is actually very fine like a child's but when I'm happy and feeling alive, you'd never guess it -- only when I start to get exhausted and depleted and even my curl beast would like a rest can you tell how baby fine the texture of my hair is and how small a ponytail the volume of it actually makes without the curl augmenting it. I mean, curly hair types being laws unto themselves, I HAVE managed to get my hair to stay straight -- I can count the number of times on one hand and it can only happen in the dead of winter or when I visit the desert where there's absolutely no humidity whatsoever AND I have very stubborn hairstylists with the right sort of products are willing to make it happen.  And WHEN my hair is successfully flat ironed, I look like an anime character as this picture from first week of January the year after college when I finally went in to get my haircut and the stylist took it as a challenge to see if she could tame my hair...

 See? Anime character when my hair is straight. So for contrast, that was like Jan 6 the day I got it cut told the stylist she could go ahead and try it since it was super cold out and the air was super dry with no humidity at all, but this was taken maybe a week and a half or two weeks before by my cousin (who has long thick ash blonde pin perfect straight hair that can't hold a curl no matter what she does so she's always coveted my hair despite its general unruliness refusal to do as it's told) at Cocoa Beach on Christmas Day when I was spending the holidays that year in Orlando with them back when they lived there.

 

Yep. That's my hair after swimming in the Atlantic Ocean then letting it air dry with absolutely no products just heat and humidity and Florida sunshine at the winter solstice. Compared to sitting in a chair for an extra hour and a half AFTER having it washed and cut letting the stylist try to get my hair straight flat ironed in super cold no humidity to achieve the anime look of one of the handful of times my hair has ever STAYED straight. Literally, that is only one of only three times of my life that my hair didn't start curling up at the temples and at the ends within 10 minutes of flat ironing it... It's almost impossible to get my hair to stay straight no matter what length it is...) 

So should I cut bangs back in? I do actually wear bangs well when I decide to cut them (and they stay straighter than my longer hair unless it's summer humid or I'm in like swamp/rainforest terriroties.) The worst part of bangs is the constantly recutting them or the letting them grow out phase. but they do work well for me and it's been several years now since I last had bangs....

 The one thing I like best about the way my hair is growing back since May is that it's growing back in one of it's coppery-gold stranded phases at the roots and the couple inches of growing out. It has a bit of a 7 year cycle of getting lighter and darker and the gold and copper strands becoming more or less prominent in it. But also, when I'm upset and feeling emo grieving it tends to be darker same as it gets curlier the brighter my life force and gets straighter when I'm not feeling well. When Audrey was dying and then Spock got sick, it started to get some silver stranding from the stress and guilt (of blaming myself that I should have done more and that I couldn't pour enough healing energy into them to actually heal them keep them alive, just repair the damage as it got worse and take away their pain. (A stupid thing to stress or feel guilt about, but grief isn't logical and there's always some amount of guilt mixed through one's mourning.) Anyway, it was only the gold and copper stranding that lost their color from that stress and guilt, so I had a couple bright silvery-white metallic shining strands mixed in my hair for the last year or so, especially at my left temple. It was my first white hairs (and by white I mean metallic silvery strands) but in the last few months as I've come out of my time in the hollows mourning and self recrimination/guilt about what I could have done better, those silvery strands have all regained their lost color of either gold or copper.

My boobs are also extra ridiculous, even for me right now. But I mean, a bra size of 28H (30G if I can't find a 28 band size, especially small band size with large cups is nearly impossible to find -- even 30G is really hard to find as a bra size) so my boobs are pretty well always ridiculous.  Just sometimes, they seem even more ridiculous than others and recently the last month or so is one of them  I know I picked my family (and thus my genetic phenotype) when I decided when and where to be born this life but I still don't understand who decided I should have curves like Jessica Rabbit in this body. Because honestly, fucking ridiculous body type here when I'm not even trying to be hot or dancing often (since my re-fracture of my leg several years ago, it still hurts sometimes so I don't trust it for landing jumps any more) and even I don't know how good this body could look if I bothered to try.  Because I don't try, I don't even wear makeup most of the time. I don't even really own much makeup anymore -- my last life kind of turned me off of making a beautiful false face to be put on a pedestal to be worshiped and the loneliness of feeling like nobody ever saw or knew me beyond the glamour of the facade worshiped as a sex symbol. Among the things I learned from my last life is I want to be loved for me qua me not the exterior facade and I don't want to be on a pedestal because it's lonely up there -- and the only way out of that is radical honesty with oneself and others and that includes not building up false masks and faces to hide behind.

I'm pretty excited for a quiet week ahead! Tomorrow (today now?) meeting Crissy and my parents for dinner then seeing the Broadway tour of Some Like It Hot at overture. Then on Sunday planning to watch the Packers game with my mum and the dogs while my da goes weight lifting. On Thursday, Sarah asked if Mikaela can come over for a quiet cozy day of reading with me before her  evening doctor's appointment which i said was fine and then Friday I need to go check in spend some time with Henry while Crissy is up north visiting her dad to take him to some appointments. And then next Sunday is symphony day and Packers game (which my mum and the dogs and i will watch late on dvr, after I get back from symphony.) This week, right after taking my gran to her appointments, I did get some of my holiday shopping for my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and nieces so I'm feeling less stressed about needing to do that as I have some things for everyone already for my Dec visit.

I currently have all my hours in at work, so I'm about to head home and spend the rest of tonight cozy at home with my animals and reading and some tea and nowhere I NEED to be tomorrow until the evening (unless Crissy and I decide to go book shopping ahead of meeting my parents for dinner.) 

P. S. This morning, my insta decided to put Eric's posts in my sponsored content. Technically the same post, just different images in it. Multiple times. The third time it did it, I just started laughing and gave in decided, "well if the fates have decided that he's going to be showing up in my feed regardless, then it may as well be by my choice and I should help his metrics by actually following him again."

She rings like a bell through the night, And wouldn't you love to love her? She rules her life like a bird in flight, And who will be her lover? All your life you've never seen, Woman taken by the wind. Would you stay if she promised you heaven? Will you ever win? Will you ever win?

 I suppose the precogs are rather tricky to understand, especially if you don't have them. But they're also not easy to words or explain... Wyrd witchy gifts are something that are just part of your personal subjective experience how you live your own life.... It's beyond trying to figure out if what I perceive as red is the same as how someone else sees that same shade or how a song sounds to me with my color-timbre synesthesia compared to someone who doesn't have synesthesia but has an incredible ear for the nuances of a song/performance... It's more like trying to explain colors to a blind person or the timbre of instruments to a deaf person. But I'll try. I'll do my best. And maybe it can help it make more sense even if you never experience anything like it.

So I guess to start, should probably begin with the fact that I experience time... oddly... and I have my whole life. So for most people, experience of time is teleological, it's an arrow. Straightforward, it runs past to future on time's arrow -- one direction at a measurably even pace. That's most people's normal perception of time. For me time is... spherical. It's like this one giant unified golden sphere that exists everywhere simultaneously in the interstices of space-time and it has what is like the terminator line of the present, where for most people the "day" side is the past they can see in memories and the "night" side of the line is the future which for most people they can't see or remember and all of it has this rotational spin on it and the SPEED of that spin is the thing that normal people call the passage of time from now to now to now to now. And for me, I can either amble along that line of the present at the speed of the rotation as normal people experience but instead I sort of just... I play... I sit fully in flow in the present as the eternal long now of all of the spheres existing across all the iterations of me throughout space-time and it means that I just sort of play as I travel these curved passages along different paths of the sphere's curvature at different speeds moving back and forth in patterns as I please or as the rotation moves me and do my best to stay near as I can to where the terminator line of the present is... It's kind of like slaloming between the guide flags of the present line back and forth in and out, but I do wander quite a lot, both forward and backward across versions of me all while being firmly seated in the present by being in a constant state of flow. And in my state of flow... the way I experience time's rotation is..... it's like the quantum theory of electrons -- you can know either the position or the speed of an electron but the more precisely you know either the less you know about the other because the act of measuring the one alters the other. So the more precisely I'm playing with the speed of time (sometimes I fidget with the speed of time's rotation the way a normal person plays with a fidget spinner, sometimes it just sort of slinky shifts speeds to compensate by speeding up to balance out where I slowed it down or events caused it to slow down)  the less accurately I can place my when I am and the more certain I am of EXACT 3d measuring when I am the less aware I am of how fast/slow the rotational speed of time is moving. Music helps me sit in the normal flow of time. because of my dance background starting when I was like 4, I have an inner metronome and so music is always counted like heartbeats but more regular than an actual heart or breath which speeds up or slows down. So when I have my most terrible migraines and time seems like it's not moving will never move because I'm so completely caught in the pain as all of my existence, music is the one thing that helps because it counts the seconds for me so I can feel them passing while giving me pleasure that doesn't cause me pain like light and movement do. Sometimes, music is the only thing that helps seat me back in the even flow of normal teleological time's rotation.

I don't know if that makes any sense... but it's the best I can words it for how I experience time versus how normal people experience time. But that's the place to start with my precogs -- because how I experience time affects the way I flit and play across the past and future sides of the present. I don't always even mean to do it, sometimes it just happens. And that is where the precogs come into it. They're, well, they're like memories. Just flashes of memories surfacing up from the night side not the day side of the "present" moment.  But it's really the same thing. When I was a kid, the flashes came unbidden by whatever associations or strong emotions woke them in me sort of the way a small kid's memories are evoked by the most random associations that no adult could predict they just...happen...  As I've gotten older I've learned to control it a bit more, but only to the extent that as an adult a person can control their past memory recall. Sometimes you can call up what you're seeking from your memories, sometimes you can figure out the things that will evoke a memory in order to call it up or avoid it, and sometimes memories just resurface unbidden without ever knowing what trigger might make it happen. Precogs, or future memories, work just the same as past memories that way, y'know?  You can only control them so far, sometimes they don't come in the detail you desire when you try to summon them, sometimes they are rewritten by your subjectivity, and sometimes they come entirely unbidden. 

Here's the thing though -- they're just glimpses, moments, visions. Sometimes it's my experience of those moments, sometimes it's an angel that takes me in dreams shows me the visions. They don't arrive with a time stamp or a how to or a step by step guide of how to get from here to there. I might have context clues in what I see -- the season if it's outdoors or the clothing might clue me in or if there's a big difference in appearance (like the time it would take for a man to grow a beard or for me to have a wildly different haircut or a scar that never used to be there or aging compared to the age at which I saw it.) But I don't KNOW how to get from here to there, I don't know how the shifts happen, I don't know what I don't see -- just the same as any normal person's blind spots about the future. I only know it will happen, or it could happen, somehow. I just have tiny glimpses to illuminate random small moments in the darkness because they're the ones that already exist in the seed of what has already been chosen and happened and that can't be changed.... But the HOW from here to there?! No fucking idea. Especially if there's a beautiful happy surprise between the now when I see it and the now when the glimpse came from. And sometimes, I just have absolutely no way to tell the time between here and there  -- I couldn't tell you if the precogs are minutes or days or weeks or months or years or decades away into the future... So I can tell you WHAT I have precogged, but not WHEN it will be or HOW to get there -- the when and how is completely beyond my gifts.... 

The immutable precogs, the big ones and the little ones, those are like the memories of the past that surface unbidden or are triggered by you have no idea what.... And my immutable precogs, the only limits I have on them to my knowledge is the limits I once put on them by asking an angel/old god in a dream for the limits (that I want the happy surprises in my life and sporting events to be opaque to my gift -- because it saps them both of joy to see them ahead of time; so I'll never see a big happy surprise ahead (but I can feel the glow of the promise on my horizon) and unless I peeked at the scores to watch it after the fact, I don't know who wins at sports until it happens and I watch it on real time) and also there's the fact that they are completely wild uncontrolled by anything I know how to do in this life so I can't summon them or block them beyond those limits I asked to be put on my gift. They just rise up from the future. Intensity of my emotions (even if it's just me being annoyed that the damn precog was right no matter how I fought it or complete bafflement how THAT could have been worth precogging after all) makes the precog stronger sends it further back into the past. And a precog ONLY becomes immutable once all the choices that could have shifted the course are no longer open, all the choices that make it inevitable it play out have been made and like an avalanche nothing can stop its course once it's set in motion by the one last shifting stone that sets it going.

Now, the big ones, the tragedies of global proportion, the deaths and personal tragedies and me knowing all the "last times we will ever do this together" I don't bother fighting -- I just accept them and process the emotions of things out of sync with everyone else so that when the events ACTUALLY happen I'm ahead of the curve ready to move forward not paralyzed by the suddenness of what's unfolding. Because I already knew it would happen and would suck but was inevitable and so I needed to accept it to do the best I possibly could with the moment when I get to it. But the little ones, the ones I just randomly send myself like where I go for lunch/dinner and what I wore that day/night, those I DO try to deny and fight. (and I always lose. because the immutable ones are never wrong -- no matter how big or small, they're NEVER wrong. Much to the annoyance of people who know about the precogs and who just wandered up and down fucking State St to restaurant after restaurant for over an hour just to end up where I saw us going but which I didn't tell them until asked where I had seen us eating or told them then said we should ignore it if it's not what people wanted because I wanted to try to "beat" the precog this time. Or like when I intentionally decide to wear something else completely from what I saw but then end up ruining it somehow or staining it so we have to take the extra time for me to go back to change and it will happen to as many outfits as I try to wear instead of the one I precogged which I eventually do put on because we're out of time for these games and now we're really fucking late.) 

So why do I fight the little ones if I know they're always going to come true? Because they're low stakes -- fighting them costs me only time and maybe some stained/ruined outfits. And because I believe in the sanctity of free will -- because what's the point or meaning of anything at all if it's not freely chosen and freely given? Choice is the only thing that creates meaning to anything we do. It's the one thing that can't be taken from us, the one thing that is definitively one's own and only you can CHOOSE to sell it away rationalize why you picked the worst choice when dealing with a bad vs. worse choice. Even choosing NOT to choose is a choice. But the point is that choice is the one source of MEANING in any of our lives -- the act of free will. Exercising your free will, in big things and small things, is the only way to create meaning in your life.  To know the future is to negate and call into question free will -- it is to force the future into the shape of something that happened before you got to even try to make a choice... And, I don't see how the little ones get forced into the shape when i try to intentionally choose otherwise.... Is it like the act of me sending the vision back to myself IS the choice that makes it inevitable? Not the choosing of the restaurant or the outfit, but the choice to send the path of that choice back to myself was the choice that set it in motion?  My own personal Groundhog's Day loop? I don't know. But the part of me that recognizes the beauty and sanctity of free will as what creates meaning to any/everything we do while playing in the incarnations THAT faith in how beautiful the sanctity of free will is what brings out the stubborn and defiant part of me that tries to fight the little immutable precogs, the low stakes knowings. When I defy them try to fight them it's me affirming the IMPORTANCE of the sanctity of free will. Even if it's meaningless and low stakes an issue (what does one outfit or one restaurant as opposed to all other options on one particular day MATTER in the scheme of anything?) and maybe the fighting itself in the name of free will is what forces it to have to be that way creates the choice that made the time loop of the low stakes precogs of my future self telling my past self that stupid little flash of a momentary glimpse...

*shrugs* I have more questions than answers, especially about the bigger meaning of all of the wyrdness that i even have the precog flashes and how I experience time, even with as much as I know about how I experience it.

So those are the immutable precogs. Those are the ones that WILL be and no act of free will can alter the course that makes them inevitable though I don't always know what the act of free will might be or have been. They're always true. ALWAYS true. And they also have the gritty clarity and realism of hd film or the memory that replays so vividly within your brain it's indelibly imprinted there could never fade and when you replay it you're back in that moment more fully than here in the present. They are crystal clear.

The contingent precogs are just that -- contingent upon choices not yet made. The contingent ones are the maybes, the potential paths from the present that free will can still make true or make false.  Sometimes they're warnings while I still have time to save someone from a bad fate if I act NOW or change a future path because I know, and sometimes they're promises that if you keep choosing right that future can and will unfold just as seen. and sometimes it's just me browsing like flipping pages in a book through my potential options and the potential fate lines open to me to see what could happen if I made that choice and I do it to help me decide which path I want to take.  

And the best I can describe how to tell they're not immutable (the ones that just appear to me, as opposed to the ones I intentionally browsed through) is just... it's like... well, it's like watercolor or watching lower quality on an old VHS...there's something tangibly not real about them. the closer it is to coming real, the crisper more real hd it gets whereas the less potential to become real in the contingent precog, the more unreal faded and the lower quality it gets... When it's not possible it's just... it gets all desaturated without color or depth and it's just sort of like leaving an old watercolor in the sun and rain til the colors fade and start to disappear and you can't even tell what the picture might once have been. Even my memory of old precogs start to fade when those fatelines disappear from the potentials of becoming real same as they get more crisp real as they come back into potential existence. Sometimes it gets more or less clear, but once it's faded and gone it's normally just gone, those fatelines truncated and gone forever from ever existing becoming reality. That's why I fought myself so hard when I realized I had to make me give up, give him up to what he chose for himself, give up those contingent precogs I'd seen before the choices that destroyed them once those fatelines became truncated and the precogs faded like watercolor paintings left out in a storm. because normally, time and opportunities disappear and once they're gone you can't get those fatelines and those precogs back. They're just gone once you're past the points you could choose those paths....

 So. Anyway. It's kind of a big deal for contingent precogs (past or present) that had faded and desaturated into unreachable potentials but improbable to become real to become crisp and real and hd photographic quality again. It means the chances of what I precogged becoming reality are becoming more and more probable. Not just possible in a theoretical sense, more achievable and more probable. Within our reach. Within the choices available to us. The brighter crisper clearer it gets, the closer we are to making the choices that can and will make that future I glimpsed into the reality we get to live.

 And that's why it was worth mentioning because it's such a huge difference to have something that was beyond reach faded almost to disappearing from the potential fate lines becoming brighter clearer more like an inevitable immutable fated thing that WILL be. because that doesn't usually happen. Second chances like that are rarely gifted to us when we have chosen to destroy what could be. No matter what our reasons for our choices or how we rationalized them, a second chance for a faded precog to come back into our possible fate lines is rare. Time passing and the changes that the past choices have made have a tendency to destroy those potential fatelines once you're past the points they could have been chosen. I've never yet known a third chance at a contingent precog that faded from the fate lines if we make choices that lose us these second chances at making those glimpses of future memories that could yet be.

 

 I dunno if any of that made sense.... but it's the best I can figure out to explain any of it in words. Things related to wyrd gifts don't fit well into words. Best I can do is try, but even the bond is something I can't easily put into words to communicate -- it's just something one experiences as part of the subjective experience of a given life even if it's not what most people get to experience.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Fleetwood Mac song Rhiannon.] 

 Recently, the future fate lines with Eric have been open again instead of unreachable... And, they had been unreachable for a while actually. Since before the frustrating polar bear labyrinth dream in the Spring. It's probably been years since they felt possible, let alone solidly existing enough to be somewhere between probable and certain on current trajectories. (I mean, still Newtonian physics that either of us could get acted on by an outside force to completely change our course, like hitting a rolling billiard ball with another one before it can sink in the hole it was headed toward. But strong enough contingent precogs of that sort of certainty of current course and choices getting to where it is heading if not acted upon by outside forces.)

No idea why. I don't think it's just because he's made himself top of mind for me with his album release.... Because that shouldn't affect my precogs but he's been back in the contingent precogs again, both in the near and longer term. Which had actually stopped for quite a while (which was part of my stubborn "it's time to accept this truth and let go and for me to look elsewhere" for the last about a year or so) faded from my future paths open to me... They didn't stop being in the potential fate lines, there just wasn't a way I could find to reach them and they didn't keep coming to me unbidden the way that the immutable ones of crossing paths had (even glimpses at venues I'd never been to in cities I'd never visited which confused me very much until they happened since some of them I saw were years before actually crossing paths or learning his name this life.)  but right now, they're very much alive and there and reaching backward toward me across the unwritten spaces of the future, if that makes sense. And, the thing is, my contingent precogs exist in the liminal "free will can still change this but the current choices and course you're on, these moments are from a future version of you sending them back to yourself." And you can sort of feel the softness and wateriness and the multiplicity of other choices that can change them from becoming fate. It's not like my immutable precogs (which include both big society level events and forces of nature as well as tiny glimpses like seeing myself and what I'm wearing at a delicious meal or a concert that makes me really happy -- it's pretty convenient when you're indecisive to be able to cheat and peek ahead to happy future you sending backward to know what you will wear or where you will be eating (unless it's a restaurant you've never been to but will recognize when you see it) no matter what other plans people keep trying to make for elsewhere...) 

Anyway. I just thought I should acknowledge that those precogs are back. And forcefully so. They started trickling back in filling up my fate lines subtly and I didn't really notice them around all the gray cat related precogs and then adopting Griffin, but now they're impossible NOT to notice. Especially since last night they predominated my half sleep liminal not deep sleep but the falling in and out phases. Not anything super big events, just small cozy glimpses down those contingent fatelines getting more solid as they get closer.... I don't know why, I just know is, and PART of the isness of my contingent precogs is that the person or persons they involve are making the choices that open up to make real those fatelines instead of choices that truncate them and close them off. And that means my choices but it also means his. That right now BOTH our sets of choices (even the choice of being receptive to the possibility of those fatelines) are opening up those future paths and making them increasingly solid. 

I haven't had any immutable precogs with him again since they stopped, just the contingent ones getting more solid and starting the process to ossify into immutables if they keep being chosen. 

It's always weird for me trying to talk about my intuitive/psychic/witchy/fae gifts. (I never quite know when to "come out of the broom closet" with people and how much to be open honest how much to tell people about what I can do as just my state of isness.). And the precogs/knowing are among the hardest for me to put into words... 

But it's enough to understand that the contingent precogs of a future path with him ARE there and accessible again and they're starting to bubble up inside me unbidden and they're getting stronger more solid, more REAL right now. Which isn't a promise, it's just an acknowledgement of that truth and that somehow the choices made are helping to open up create the paths between here and there so they CAN become reality. 

Anyway. That was all I wanted to say. But then Mikaela (who has had a stressful week needed the zen of visiting me and wanted to meet Griffin -- even with Griffin being in somewhat feral chaos gremlin mode earlier this morning and me texting her to warn her) arrived and we were chatting and then eating bagels. Now back to cozy quiet morning of drinking coffee and reading and listening to George Winston. (Griffin and Waffles don't ADORE George Winston yet as their first and forever always favorite like Spock and Audrey did, well, Audrey was tied between Billy Joel and George Winston as her favorites, but they very much enjoy the piano and find it calming and one of their favorite instruments. Probably learned animal behavior of favorites because I get very happy zen listening to my favorite piano parts.) but anyway. That's the plan for today -- cozy day of piano music and reading and being surrounded by books and good animal snuggles and hot coffee/tea as needed/desired.  

I can't tell you what to do with that truth about the contingent precogs with him returning to my future fate lines.... I don't even know what to do. I'm not even sure there is anything to be done in response to it, just acknowledging it as truth. So right now I'm just letting it be true and recognizing its isness and not denying it -- and letting that sit right alongside my daily life as I'm living it. Because as of right now, I don't see how it (currently) affects or alters my current quotidian life -- but that doesn't mean I will deny my perception of its isness, or imminent isness. 

But yeah, I can tell you that those fate lines ARE accessible again right now within the choices being made and even if I can't logically see how to get from here to there, my contingent precogs specifically of me with him are bubbling up solidifying telling me they're getting closer and more real tangible in the tomorrows currently open available to us. Which is something new. Or rather... It's something old that seemed lost for a while now feeling reborn anew. 

And if you love me you'll know. And you'll come back home, the way's not dark. The feeling still, That same old spark. We've never felt alone. Come back home. Come back home. Please come back home.

 I am very tired from cumulative nights of not enough sleep and so am heading to bed early (for me) now because Griffin will likely wake me up with early morning cuddles or early morning zoomies when the birds start rustling in the tree outside the windows (or at least that was his normal at the full moon to be completely manic chais mode at all hours but especially from like 2am to sunrise, but I have a harder time sleeping at full moon as well so I understood, he's been doing it less since the moon relaxed into waning gibbous -- mostly he perimeter checks all the words than hops up to cuddle lay across my chest or by my head if I'm asleep at 3am -- except when the moon was full lol) and also I want some quiet hours slow morning tomorrow before taking my gran to her 1pm appointment (which means picking her up by 12:30 because she moves slowly and has knee pain getting in the car which means dropping my dog off at noonish which means making me brunch because I'll not have time for lunch til like 2:30 or later otherwise. So a slow morning, sleeping in if I want, with time to make brunch and coffee if I don't fritter away time sounds nice for tomorrow.

I wanted to listen to it before Mercury goes retrograde later today (curiously at the exact same degree it went direct last December) not because I see retrogrades as a cursed time. It's just not a time for growing something new -- it's a time for reviewing and revisiting and rewriting and renewing and do-overs and finishing your unfinished projects/plans/stories but not a time for starting new contracts or new things -- unless they're actually old things you're finally finishing or revisiting to do better than you did before. It's time to go back over the past and rework it where we may have gone awry to try again and (hopefully) rewrite it and renew it to get it right. So I wanted to get my first listen before the planet of communication goes retrograde and then relisten after the retrograde. Which I did manage to  listen to to it early this morning but I did NOT get to listening to the new album last night as planned (though I did pour myself a dram of Spirit of the Bear) because I first put on the downloads so far from 100 Songs while I was cleaning up in the kitchen and Griffin had opinions about most of them. Like, tail lashing then deliberately jumping up on the table walking on my keyboard until he muted Somewhere Somebody Somehow for the repetitive driving instrumental part of it he didn't like and then despite getting chided that laptops are for humans not cats, going back to pawing at stepping on my keyboard and then not just muting but somehow actually deleting Where Have You Been? out of my library entirely he disliked it so much that I had to go find where on my hard drive it was to add it back into the library.... He liked the rest to varying degrees but he does NOT like those two songs at all.... They upset him more than me taking back the piano bench and daring to put it back by the piano where it belongs instead of letting him keep it in my closet where he had it when that was his dedicated safe space. 😆 That upset him until he realized he can still sprawl on the piano bench but now he can do it while watching bird TV in the choke cherry tree out the balcony door.  What's funny is that other than hating bagpipes and accordion sitting in the hallway yowling as lous as possible until I turned it off (sorry Martin and Skerryvore, my cat is not yet a fan of your music despite his Welsh/Scottish names) he usually just goes to my room when he dislikes a song. He has mostly been reactive to instruments not vocals until last night, liking best piano and strings and harp and classical/acoustic guitar and disliking bagpipes and accordions and harmonicas and electric guitars, but not had much reaction to vocals. But he actually really loved Eric's vocals, came chirping to the computer to try to find the voice, it was specific parts of the verses that were a "nope, and we're done" for him. 

But, his naughtiness isn't why we didn't get to listening to extended Exactly What I Asked For last night before I went to bed as planned  (side note in case I get tired forget to state the obvious: we did listen to it this morning with coffee while I was cataloguing new books in my computer and it is absolutely gorgeous has the loveliest flow to it and I loved it! And I have a very cinematic "where are the cameras" moment that happened with the sun coming out just before the line "she's a light, she's a spark" and then a gust of wind blowing snow and golden leaves all around through the red berries and blue skies and sunlight leading into the instrumental shift of the bridge and all the robins flying out of the choke cherry tree (actually southward) right at the appropriate time in the song before settling back down to eat some more while we were listening to the earlier mix download of When I Started Loving You. I read the entries on the songs after downloading to my laptop but didn't have time to listen/watch all the clips to get home before the snow and that was the only song clip hat caught my eye as a download not a listen so I downloaded it and listened to it (on repeat) as well this morning.)

 Anyway, it wasn't the songs the cat didn't like as well that stopped us getting to the new album extended version first listen, it was the intensity of how much Griffin loved Come Back Home. It's the first song I've ever seen him completely smitten with and the first time it ended he just repetitively soft paw tapped at me like, "play that one again please" so I did and then it ended and he did it again so I just put it on repeat for him. And so it probably played 50 times on repeat with him curled up on me absolutely beatific happy purring loudly (loudest whenever I was singing along to him) when I finally told him, "I'll just leave this on repeat for you until you're done with it and head to bed now and we can listen to more songs in the morning." I closed the laptop partially so he couldn't get on the keyboard while I wasn't watching him and do something I couldn't easily fix and then at some point when he got early morning zoomies he closed the lid to make his zen song stop... I didn't check the play count but it's a short song so it probably now has the highest play count in my music library, lol. 

Don't get me wrong, I also love that particular song of his very much or I wouldn't have let my cat insist on repeating it that many times or falling asleep with it on. (My dreams last night were really happy and full of warmth and love sleeping with Come Back Home on loop, I don't really remember them all just the feeling of them. And one of them was a polar bear dream, just one of the ones of being curled up protected and held between the chest and forepaws by the polar bear tucked under his head and talking and watching the stars and/or northern lights together somewhere in shared dream space til I fall back into waking world. I don't always share about them when I have them because they aren't a shamanic dream space lessons or any quests or any have tos, just the cozy isness of being together in dream space enjoying the bond and the shared love in it. Which is personal but not something to do or achieve or a warning or something to be healed, just a good place of rest and love and feeling at home together even in the middle of shamanic shared dream space where incarnating old souls can show up in spirit/power animal forms and the old gods/goddesses and the fae still walk.) it's a song that just feels like stepping into the warmest cozy hug where everything is understood and forgiven and you feel surrounded by light and love coming in from being out on a bitterly cold wintry snowless moonless night. At least, that's the way the song makes me feel whenever I listen to it. So I love the song for itself, not just because my cat loved it enough to want it on loop quite that many hundreds of times last night. But I can very definitively say is that Come Back Home is so far Griffin's absolute favorite song ever and he will purr along to me singing him the chorus of it even when I got home tonight. He loved Eric's voice generally, and a lot of the songs made him calm down and purr happily, but Come Back Home was the one made him melt into a puddle of weak kneed smitten kitten goo of purring love and beatific zen. 

And I wanted to tell that truth. I can write more of my reactions or tell more precisely the story of that cinematic moment of the world outside my balcony door turning into a Disney movie moment for listening to the more dramatic earlier mix of When I Started Loving You. It was gorgeous in a very surreal romantic fallacy way. (Romantic fallacy as in the English lit trope where the weather and mood of the outside world reflects or paints the emotional landscape of the protagonist(s) and the storyline, not meant like a snide commentary about the state of being a hopeless romantic.) 

But if you were waiting to hear, yes I did listen to the album once through this morning with my coffee, yes I do love the album in its extended form even on first listen, yes it's very beautiful and thoughtfully laid out and heartful, yes I had a cinematic Disney romantic fallacy first listen to that dramatic mix of When I Started Loving You, yes I will listen to it more times and try to remember to write more when I can better words. Just remember, as overly full of words as my ADHD writer/poet/prophetess brain is and as much as I speak the right words at exactly the right time in a state of flow, the more deeply you touch my heart or the more tired I get the harder it is for me to words and if you stir my emotions deepest I can lose the words all together for a bit. Which isn't a bad thing (though it can be an annoying thing that leads to missed opportunities) it's just how it is with me. The more deeply you touch my soul truths and stir up my emotions, the more I will struggle and need time to find words for thise emotions -- and that coexists right along side my normal words tripping over each other ADHD quick thinking/speaking falling sometimes exactly how I want in my quick stream of conscious first draft spit balling. It just depends on if it's the language part of my brain or my deep seas of feeling part of my brain in dominant control -- and the more intensely you reach the waves and beaming sunshine and storms of my emotional seas, the quieter the playful words language focused communications centers get.  So it might take me a while to be able to words about the things that caught at my heart and moved me deepest -- in listening to the album but also in general. You will have to trust in the brightness of the soul shine beaming back at you if you can't see the emotions writ across my face and shining in my eyes until I can find the words. 

O before I forget! This week's astro poets horoscopes came in today so here you go before I get distracted and forget

"Week of 11/9 in Libra: Something that was seen. Could not be done again. And so it did not find a way in. So it made its way in. So it went in." 

"Week of 11/9 in Pisces: Dancing. And with wings. And with a heart. Let it beat there for you. Let it be there forever."

*yawns* ok, bedtime for real now. The chamomile tea is gone so I'm going to rinse the mug and turn off the lights and  shamble off to bed to snuggle down under the blankets. To sleep perchance to dream. 

Bonne nuit. The moonrise and the stars were gorgeous tonight here.  I hope they shone their beauty on your path through tonight as well. 

[Post title: lyrics to the end version of the chorus in Come Back Home by Eric Hölljes, which you can download still for free if you sign up for the 100 Songs project on his site. Or i guess now I can sing it to you since it's been stuck in my head for over 24 hours after so many repetitions upon discovering it's my cat Griffin's new favorite song of ever that instantly calms him down -- unless I stop replaying it or stop singing it before he's ready for it to stop.]