I don't WANT to have to leave. I don't WANT this making it impossible to be able to listen to their music and love it completely from start to finish and for always. I don't WANT to have to put the bond to sleep. I don't WANT to lose even the tiniest glimmer of all the love and light. I don't WANT any of this fucking mess...... None of this is any damn thing I ever wanted. Not at any fucking time did I want this or would I ever want it. I hate it. I hate everything about it. It's everything I least want, the very last thing I ever wanted for any of us.
But I have it. We all have it.
And all we can do is work with the reality of what we have. Face it honestly and from a place of love and a desire for healing -- for the best healing everyone involved and not just one's own ego.
What I WANT is all the love and light and brightness and incandescent joy of it all, shot through every moment always because it IS and we know it IS and if we can take care of holding onto it we can get to keep it for all of this life and not just a handful of moments. What I WANT is to move forward not forgetting these mistakes and how much hurt they bred and how nearly they cost us everything -- but having had the time and intention and love put into understanding that this was all a horrible mistake bred of not understanding at all but that the love that IS there can be trusted and relied on never to intentionally hurt and to always want to heal whatever fuckups life brings in its wake. (Because one thing that is forever true about all of humanity in all time: we're always going to find new unexpected ways to fuck up what should have been straightforward and easy to get right.) What I WANT is to get a point where the joy far outweighs all the pain that has been mixed into everything and the wariness can be laid to rest replaced with trust. And what I really really REALLY want right now is to wrap my arms around Eric and lean against his chest with his arms around me and feel safe and loved and that I'm home right exactly where I belong.
Those are all things that I WANT. Those are all the things that I have always wanted. Walking away from the band and every member of it and making the bond to him go dormant is nowhere on that list.....
But I can't see the way of anything I can do that gets from the reality of here and now to get to what I want.... and that kills me inside. I can only see a choice for me between bad and worse.
Bad is me leaving. Bad is everyone full of hurt and grief and regrets and things they wish they could take back and change but they can't. Bad is waking up every single day and falling asleep every single night with an empty space in your soul like a missing limb where you should feel the emotions and the strong steady love for you slipping and pulling back and forth between you like the tides always there for reassurance no matter how far apart you physically are. Bad is knowing you're the one who performed that amputation of your own soul. Bad is knowing that you've hurt and permanently maimed the one person in all the world you'd least ever want to hurt and taken from them the one thing they ever wanted in having to do this. Bad is knowing that you can't comfort them and make them feel better and heal the hurt in them.
Worse is trying to linger on holding onto things the way they are. Worse is having all this hurt and pain and grief we are all carrying and constantly compounding it to pile more and more pain and grief on top of it. Worse is every little thing unintentionally poisoning things making all of this hurt deeper. Worse is when you TRY to make things better but even that is still attached to the cause of the hurt so it only makes the pain and grief magnified. Worse is wanting more than anything to see and feel the love between you and someone else and to just have them there and to have that light again -- and yet when you do get to see them all you have is the shell shocked distance and distrust of the accumulated pain and the expectation that somehow you're going to end up hurt worse than you were before seeing them again.
That's the bad and that's the worse.
And if there's no fixing what's broken and the source of all this pain and grief that's here now, then there's no healing and no way to reach what I want. There's only choosing between bad and worse.
I can't fix what's broken here. I literally don't have the ability or power to do the fairly simple thing that needs to be done to start the process and to begin letting the healing happen. My only ability is to try to use my words and my honesty to make clear and fully transparent the problem sabotaging everything and what needs to be done to solve it -- but what needs to be done is in the hands and actions and choices of other people. And I can't force them to do it. I can't help heal this, NOBODY can heal this, without first removing the source of the poison that is constantly compounding this making it worse and worse.
And when the reaction to my honesty has been to deny it and to ostracize me and to create systems of inequality and relational bullying and then when I call out the wrong and ask for redress to be ignored and victim shamed by your "fans" who insist you could never do any wrong and for more people to get involved in perpetuating this system of inequality and still there's complete silence and nothing done or even acknowledged that this happened and is happening......
In the face of that I must admit defeat at trying to get anything changed and fixed to start the healing that NEEDS to happen. I have to face the hard truths of this reality, I have to recognize that leaving is bad and staying without this situation being fixed is worse.....So I have to choose between of those two options causes the least damage to everyone involved.
So it doesn't actually matter what i WANT or what I DON'T WANT at this point. I can't fix this and I'm not seeing any desire or actions from anyone who CAN fix it to do so.....
All I have is my honesty, to others and to myself, and the hard decision whether I should choose bad or worse -- and indecision not doing anything at all is an automatic choice for worse.
But hell if any of this is any fucking thing I WANT........ For me, for Eric, for his family, for his band -- for any of us. None of this mess is any damn thing I ever wanted.... It's just what I have to deal with in facing the reality of what IS at this time......
So I'll choose the bad and break my own heart and not know how long it'll take me to heal if it ever does and know I'm breaking his at the same time. Because it's better than adding more and more pain into this until the system breaks under its own weight and we're forced into a bad that contains far more pain and grief than it does if I choose it of my own free will now.....
Because I have nothing I can do to get us closer to the good I want. And nobody who can do the fixes to get us headed down that path instead is doing anything about it -- not even acknowledging the problem or all the pain and grief it has created.
So now I'm left to choose between bad and worse. And if those are my only options, then I'm choosing bad... Knowing in full honesty and clarity with myself EVERYTHING, present and future, that it costs and having to do it anyway.
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