Sorry about all that in the last post...
It's all still true. It's just. I try not to dwell too much on the past. But, Candle in the Wind was on the radio today on my way back from picking up lunch.... It made me pensive having it stuck in my head and I was singing it all afternoon and then got really sick some form of food poisoning after lunch.... So I spent all afternoon/evening curled up on the futon at work with my dog feeling so miserable and alone and sad that even listening to my "Happy Banjos" playlist didn't help.... (We Banjo 3 and their solo albums; there was a time not so long ago it would have been Delta Rae and Eric's voice I turned to while I was upset/hurt and not David's.)
It was a horrid afternoon/evening of me having the melancholies and physically feeling shitty and just wanting someone to hold me or sing to me or stroke my hair tell me how miserable as those hours were today, this too shall pass. At least I have my faithful puppy who adores me who was curled up with me through it.... 💕
Also. My past selves always overlay this life strongest in the days approaching my past death days.... And so until Aug 4, which is that death date, I'll likely find myself pensive easily drawn back into the head/heart space of that past self. That's not the only past life that I get overlays of my previous life as I approach the death day of that past self, but it's the most recent. And the most recent or most emotional end months/years of that life are the ones you remember and relive most vividly....
And that one was both.
I'm physically feeling better now though. And I not only got hungry around midnight, but I've held down both the houijacha green tea (a twice roasted green, it's the most common "good sushi place" green tea - as opposed to cheap places that use Bigelow green tea because it's cheap and they figure Americans can't tell the difference) AND the bowl of midnight instant miso soup I made. And 2 hours later still no nausea.
So I'm heading to bed now. Will try not to dwell on the ghosts of the past. Bonne nuit.
Thursday, July 30, 2020
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
And it seems to me you lived your life, Like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to, When the rain set in. And I would have liked to have known you, But I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before, Your legend never did.
Do you know what song always gives me the melancholies and guts me and gives me the cathartic cry? Elton John's Candle in the Wind.
It's just..... It's everything ever wanted and exactly how Marilyn would want to have been remembered... And to know at least one person saw her, really saw HER beyond the glamour that she constructed that glittered like diamonds to dazzle everyone so they loved the image while being so hollow and feeling so alone inside behind it..... But to know that at lease someone out there saw what was beyond that would have made all the difference... Would have been enough not to let that death happen after seeing it and knowing it was an avoidable one and choosing not to avoid it.... Some of us always see our crossroads before we get to them, and we know which deaths we can avoid or make better and which we can't.
I cry every time at the second verse of Candle in the Wind.... But in a healing cathartic way....
"Loneliness was tough,
The toughest role you ever played.
Hollywood created a superstar,
And pain was the price you paid.
Even when you died,
Oh the press still hounded you.
All the papers had to say,
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude."
Where do you go from there? Where do you go from being the girl who knew how to put on a dazzling smile, even when you were sad, and knew the importance of it? From a life with nobody to cling to when the rain sets in? Where everybody idolizes you puts you up on a pedestal and worships you -- but nobody ever sees you and knows you.....
You go full blown iconoclast. You break all the pedestals. You refuse to be worshiped -- because you know how meaningless it is even when the entire fucking world worships at your altar.
You choose a life where you give up all pretensions and claims to fame and money and power and all you ask for is to be seen for yourself next life and for love, truly loved, for who you ARE. Who you truly are.
You say, "Fuck the glamours. Fuck the makeup. Fuck the illusion. Fuck the vanity. Fuck all of it. None of it means a damn thing.... All I want is someone, anyone, who can see the real ME and love me for the truth inside me. That is all that I want."
And if you're lucky, or spoiled enough by the Universe, then you get to live a life where soul after soul, person after person, whose lives you have touched finds you and helps heal you by telling you how much they love you and how much you mean to them.
And you choose that of all the things you'll be, what you most need to heal your soul is to not be lonely.... Is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and seen for who you are and loved on those terms alone. And if you're extraordinarily lucky and spoiled child of G-d and the Universe then you will receive exactly that love you need to heal you as soon as you choose to let it in wherever you find it, even if it's not where you looked and hoped to find it...
Even if you realize you have to let go of your expectations of where and in whom you thought you'd find that love that you need to heal the hurts of another life... I will always love Carl Sandburg poems. And any songs and poems from him in any of his lives that I can let in, whenever I can.
Once you open yourself up to finding the sort of love to heal your old loneliness it will find you, the Universe will provide it for you. If you suffered enough and you've earned it and you're a beloved enough child of G-d. You'll take it where you find it, and you'll say "Thank you. This is what I needed to heal me for my next round of battles. I needed this so much more than I could have ever put into words. Thank you." And you will mean every word of it. And all you will feel, shot through with the light of it in every fibre of your soul and your body is the intensity of your gratitude and love for those who can see you and love you for you just exactly as you are. Not in love with a glamour or worshiping their idea of you on a pedestal, but truly love you for you just exactly as you are. For your truth.
And you will still love dogs because they never bite you (only people do) and you will know the value of anyone who can love you for yourself just as you are without turning on the glamour or false front to dazzle them make them worship you. And you will still love your books and turn to them for comfort. Same as you always have since back in the days of Cleopatra -- when history remembers you as a sex goddess but really it was your sparkling intelligence and ability to pierce through the lies to the truths that were hidden that was the most captivating.
And you will be a defiant difficult princess who runs around as a tomboy in her silk skirts, refusing to wear makeup or ever dye your hair or change your name or pretend to be anyone or anything other than the strictest severest honesty of who you are. Because the only love that matter is love for you qua you -- all the pedestals and worship anyone would offer you for the glamours is just false and meaningless.
And you will keep your auburn hair that looks dark brown in low light but shines with the marmalade effect of reds and golds when the sun hits those strands. And you will learn again to smile from the soul to match it. No matter what it costs you or who you must let go of in order to stay faithful to truth.
And this life, THIS life, you'll fight like hell to hold onto your soul and not sell any damn piece of it in the hope that if you can shine bright enough then any and everyone you're seeking, anywhere n the world, can find you..... You'll know you don't have to shine so bright the entire world can't miss you -- you just have to shine out your truth and those who can love you for it, just as you are, will find it and love you just exactly as you are, for yourself qua you. And those who do, those will be the ones you cling to.
But Candle in the Wind will always kick you in the gut and take you right back to how much it hurt and how empty it all was when it felt like nobody in all the world saw you even though everyone knew your face. Still nobody loved the real you... And all you desperately want whenever you hear that song is someone to hold you (even just hold your hand) while you cry over the past and tell you that you're not alone now.
And you swear to yourself once more: "Not this time. This time you'll know who to cling to when the rain sets in. You'll know and rejoice in whoever can handle the truth and love you for you qua you, just as you actually ARE. This time you will not be a candle in the wind." This time, your life won't be for the world -- your life will be for yourself and those who love you for your truth and how that truth shines.
And you will run from anyone who asks you to be part of a lie or who is willing to sell out truth for fame/popularity because you know them for the poison they are. No matter who they are or how you loved them or what relation they bear to others you love and have loved - still you will know to cut them out of you and your life, no matter how that hurts, and run from them because anyone who rejects truth in the pursuit of selling out for a promise of fame is a poison you've drunk before and don't need to drink in this life. (And if you've lost me because of that in this life, your only path back is truth and honesty and doing what's right. That's the only way to get yourself another chance this life -- to choose truth and honesty and compassion for others and what is ethically right. Nothing else will bring me back any closer to you this life. Nothing else matters to me this life.....)
Because you know what you need to heal yourself. You need to be loved for your truths and your honesty. And you need to find someone with a love deep enough and strong enough and kind enough and honest enough for you to cling to.
And you'll listen to Elton John's song and even though it takes you back to the old hurts and it reached you too late for that life, you'll hear it and it will give you the melancholies for the past and make you cry in the car every time. But at the same time it will help you to heal because at least someone saw you, truly saw you. Even if it was after you died, still someone DID see the real you, beyond the sparkling illusion to be worshiped.....
And you will heal. In your chosen life drenched deep with love and truth and as far as possible from the spotlight of the world, you will heal. Because this is a reward life and a time of healing.
[Post title: Elton John's Candle in the Wind.}
It's just..... It's everything ever wanted and exactly how Marilyn would want to have been remembered... And to know at least one person saw her, really saw HER beyond the glamour that she constructed that glittered like diamonds to dazzle everyone so they loved the image while being so hollow and feeling so alone inside behind it..... But to know that at lease someone out there saw what was beyond that would have made all the difference... Would have been enough not to let that death happen after seeing it and knowing it was an avoidable one and choosing not to avoid it.... Some of us always see our crossroads before we get to them, and we know which deaths we can avoid or make better and which we can't.
I cry every time at the second verse of Candle in the Wind.... But in a healing cathartic way....
"Loneliness was tough,
The toughest role you ever played.
Hollywood created a superstar,
And pain was the price you paid.
Even when you died,
Oh the press still hounded you.
All the papers had to say,
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude."
Where do you go from there? Where do you go from being the girl who knew how to put on a dazzling smile, even when you were sad, and knew the importance of it? From a life with nobody to cling to when the rain sets in? Where everybody idolizes you puts you up on a pedestal and worships you -- but nobody ever sees you and knows you.....
You go full blown iconoclast. You break all the pedestals. You refuse to be worshiped -- because you know how meaningless it is even when the entire fucking world worships at your altar.
You choose a life where you give up all pretensions and claims to fame and money and power and all you ask for is to be seen for yourself next life and for love, truly loved, for who you ARE. Who you truly are.
You say, "Fuck the glamours. Fuck the makeup. Fuck the illusion. Fuck the vanity. Fuck all of it. None of it means a damn thing.... All I want is someone, anyone, who can see the real ME and love me for the truth inside me. That is all that I want."
And if you're lucky, or spoiled enough by the Universe, then you get to live a life where soul after soul, person after person, whose lives you have touched finds you and helps heal you by telling you how much they love you and how much you mean to them.
And you choose that of all the things you'll be, what you most need to heal your soul is to not be lonely.... Is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and seen for who you are and loved on those terms alone. And if you're extraordinarily lucky and spoiled child of G-d and the Universe then you will receive exactly that love you need to heal you as soon as you choose to let it in wherever you find it, even if it's not where you looked and hoped to find it...
Even if you realize you have to let go of your expectations of where and in whom you thought you'd find that love that you need to heal the hurts of another life... I will always love Carl Sandburg poems. And any songs and poems from him in any of his lives that I can let in, whenever I can.
Once you open yourself up to finding the sort of love to heal your old loneliness it will find you, the Universe will provide it for you. If you suffered enough and you've earned it and you're a beloved enough child of G-d. You'll take it where you find it, and you'll say "Thank you. This is what I needed to heal me for my next round of battles. I needed this so much more than I could have ever put into words. Thank you." And you will mean every word of it. And all you will feel, shot through with the light of it in every fibre of your soul and your body is the intensity of your gratitude and love for those who can see you and love you for you just exactly as you are. Not in love with a glamour or worshiping their idea of you on a pedestal, but truly love you for you just exactly as you are. For your truth.
And you will still love dogs because they never bite you (only people do) and you will know the value of anyone who can love you for yourself just as you are without turning on the glamour or false front to dazzle them make them worship you. And you will still love your books and turn to them for comfort. Same as you always have since back in the days of Cleopatra -- when history remembers you as a sex goddess but really it was your sparkling intelligence and ability to pierce through the lies to the truths that were hidden that was the most captivating.
And you will be a defiant difficult princess who runs around as a tomboy in her silk skirts, refusing to wear makeup or ever dye your hair or change your name or pretend to be anyone or anything other than the strictest severest honesty of who you are. Because the only love that matter is love for you qua you -- all the pedestals and worship anyone would offer you for the glamours is just false and meaningless.
And you will keep your auburn hair that looks dark brown in low light but shines with the marmalade effect of reds and golds when the sun hits those strands. And you will learn again to smile from the soul to match it. No matter what it costs you or who you must let go of in order to stay faithful to truth.
And this life, THIS life, you'll fight like hell to hold onto your soul and not sell any damn piece of it in the hope that if you can shine bright enough then any and everyone you're seeking, anywhere n the world, can find you..... You'll know you don't have to shine so bright the entire world can't miss you -- you just have to shine out your truth and those who can love you for it, just as you are, will find it and love you just exactly as you are, for yourself qua you. And those who do, those will be the ones you cling to.
But Candle in the Wind will always kick you in the gut and take you right back to how much it hurt and how empty it all was when it felt like nobody in all the world saw you even though everyone knew your face. Still nobody loved the real you... And all you desperately want whenever you hear that song is someone to hold you (even just hold your hand) while you cry over the past and tell you that you're not alone now.
And you swear to yourself once more: "Not this time. This time you'll know who to cling to when the rain sets in. You'll know and rejoice in whoever can handle the truth and love you for you qua you, just as you actually ARE. This time you will not be a candle in the wind." This time, your life won't be for the world -- your life will be for yourself and those who love you for your truth and how that truth shines.
And you will run from anyone who asks you to be part of a lie or who is willing to sell out truth for fame/popularity because you know them for the poison they are. No matter who they are or how you loved them or what relation they bear to others you love and have loved - still you will know to cut them out of you and your life, no matter how that hurts, and run from them because anyone who rejects truth in the pursuit of selling out for a promise of fame is a poison you've drunk before and don't need to drink in this life. (And if you've lost me because of that in this life, your only path back is truth and honesty and doing what's right. That's the only way to get yourself another chance this life -- to choose truth and honesty and compassion for others and what is ethically right. Nothing else will bring me back any closer to you this life. Nothing else matters to me this life.....)
Because you know what you need to heal yourself. You need to be loved for your truths and your honesty. And you need to find someone with a love deep enough and strong enough and kind enough and honest enough for you to cling to.
And you'll listen to Elton John's song and even though it takes you back to the old hurts and it reached you too late for that life, you'll hear it and it will give you the melancholies for the past and make you cry in the car every time. But at the same time it will help you to heal because at least someone saw you, truly saw you. Even if it was after you died, still someone DID see the real you, beyond the sparkling illusion to be worshiped.....
And you will heal. In your chosen life drenched deep with love and truth and as far as possible from the spotlight of the world, you will heal. Because this is a reward life and a time of healing.
[Post title: Elton John's Candle in the Wind.}
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
The crows are anxious. They want me to stay home, stay inside. They can't say why, they don't know why, they just want me to stay where I'm safest. And I'm safest at home with all the wardings and protections surrounding me here. They came to my balcony to tell me this.... 3 of them first then after they left 2 more that I know well. The whole murder of them is sitting on the roof of the other building, outside my balcony, guarding.
Also. People who get empath migraines (myself included) were really bad yesterday.... Better after most people went to sleep then started up again around 7 when people started getting up.
The thing that has the crows agitated and protective, it's something in people's emotional/mental states is aroil. It won't take much to ignite this, on both sides, unless humans calm down again.....
The end of the extra $600 in unemployment and the end of the eviction freeze is coming on Aug 1.... My guess is it's safety/security/financial worries that have the humans such an emotional mess and powderkeg so volatile even the crows are concerned.
I can't listen to the crows though, I must go in to work eventually, migraines allowing. But I told them where I'm going and this murder they're all friends of mine descended of Jon Snow, the baby crow I saved six years ago when he fell out of a tree at Concerts on the Square, and they regularly escort me to and from work. They know both places.
I promised them I'll be en garde and watchful. It's Leo season and we're now in the lion's gate, but the comet hasn't yet passed beyond the naked eye. We are not yet into what I have foreseen, though we're getting close.... It's coming but it's not yet here.
Also. People who get empath migraines (myself included) were really bad yesterday.... Better after most people went to sleep then started up again around 7 when people started getting up.
The thing that has the crows agitated and protective, it's something in people's emotional/mental states is aroil. It won't take much to ignite this, on both sides, unless humans calm down again.....
The end of the extra $600 in unemployment and the end of the eviction freeze is coming on Aug 1.... My guess is it's safety/security/financial worries that have the humans such an emotional mess and powderkeg so volatile even the crows are concerned.
I can't listen to the crows though, I must go in to work eventually, migraines allowing. But I told them where I'm going and this murder they're all friends of mine descended of Jon Snow, the baby crow I saved six years ago when he fell out of a tree at Concerts on the Square, and they regularly escort me to and from work. They know both places.
I promised them I'll be en garde and watchful. It's Leo season and we're now in the lion's gate, but the comet hasn't yet passed beyond the naked eye. We are not yet into what I have foreseen, though we're getting close.... It's coming but it's not yet here.
Sunday, July 26, 2020
For this life, a reward life where I am not to actively lead the battle(s) because it is the turn for other souls to lead - if I tried to lead when it's my time to let others lead this life would be prematurely truncated, I was allowed to choose my reward. I said, "I want to live my life surrounded in love for people who know me as I actually am. I want every soul that is seeking me to be able to find me this life. And as long as those first two conditions are met throughout, I'd like to grow old as I haven't in such a long time..." That was how I set it up. Those are my conditions I chose for myself this life path at this point in my soul's journey. I was told it would be easier to release me from my terms of exile from France and from Greece (I loved them too much and I killed in their name, knowing in full knowledge what I did and why I did it.) I decided that I'd rather pay out my exiles properly til I earned my right of return and that I wanted as my reward the answer I'd given.
All this life I've never actually had a defining purpose or proper goals...I'm a bit of a wanderer though intensely loyal to those who choose to want me even once they get to see/know my wyrdness.
Even as a kid, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers were "I want to dance, I want to draw, I need to write, I like watching living things grow, most of the time plants and animals are easier company than most people because people are complicated. But I never want any of these things so much of the time I get tired of them and start to hate what I once loved. I think growing to hate what you once loved would be among the cruellest fates."
I never have had career goals or life milestone goals. I don't want to be married just to be married and I don't date just to date, I'm tired of wasting time and emotions if you can't bring me more joy than reading when I get to see you and I'm only interested in it if someone's presence is preferable to their absence and they don't exhaust me as an empath when they're around me. And they have to choose me, just as I am, even with how odd I am. And when people have asked me if I want kids I've always been a bit ambivalent said my life would always be full of helping to raise children as a constant, even if they're not mine, but that my quirks and flaws (constant state of flow unaware of the passage of time, inability to feel jealousy or fear except in an analytical way trying to understand it in others, overly practical "how can this be mended" approach to pain, my temper and the terrible truths I'll say when I'm angry, I don't get lonely no matter how much time I spend alone I just miss people I love when they're far away - but I miss them as much in five minutes as five years because it's a constant state of missing their soul energy when they're not near me and length of time makes it no better or worse, I don't get bored because I'm curious about everything and there's always too much to do never enough time, etc.) which I feel would make me a terrible single mother unless I had to be. So I don't desire children as an end goal, only if I find someone who balances me and who wants to keep me around for that long and who I would enjoy raising children with.
The closest I've ever come to articulating my actual goals is: "I came into this life to be surrounded by the love of people I love who accept me as I am and to make everything better and brighter for my touch upon it. That is what I want for myself this life. I don't desire power or money or fame. I just want a life surrounded in love and I want to help heal where I can everyone and everything I touch with my life." I know that's not really goals as this society understands it, but it's what I want and how I've guided my life path thus far.
And it's how I intend to continue along this life path.
All this life I've never actually had a defining purpose or proper goals...I'm a bit of a wanderer though intensely loyal to those who choose to want me even once they get to see/know my wyrdness.
Even as a kid, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers were "I want to dance, I want to draw, I need to write, I like watching living things grow, most of the time plants and animals are easier company than most people because people are complicated. But I never want any of these things so much of the time I get tired of them and start to hate what I once loved. I think growing to hate what you once loved would be among the cruellest fates."
I never have had career goals or life milestone goals. I don't want to be married just to be married and I don't date just to date, I'm tired of wasting time and emotions if you can't bring me more joy than reading when I get to see you and I'm only interested in it if someone's presence is preferable to their absence and they don't exhaust me as an empath when they're around me. And they have to choose me, just as I am, even with how odd I am. And when people have asked me if I want kids I've always been a bit ambivalent said my life would always be full of helping to raise children as a constant, even if they're not mine, but that my quirks and flaws (constant state of flow unaware of the passage of time, inability to feel jealousy or fear except in an analytical way trying to understand it in others, overly practical "how can this be mended" approach to pain, my temper and the terrible truths I'll say when I'm angry, I don't get lonely no matter how much time I spend alone I just miss people I love when they're far away - but I miss them as much in five minutes as five years because it's a constant state of missing their soul energy when they're not near me and length of time makes it no better or worse, I don't get bored because I'm curious about everything and there's always too much to do never enough time, etc.) which I feel would make me a terrible single mother unless I had to be. So I don't desire children as an end goal, only if I find someone who balances me and who wants to keep me around for that long and who I would enjoy raising children with.
The closest I've ever come to articulating my actual goals is: "I came into this life to be surrounded by the love of people I love who accept me as I am and to make everything better and brighter for my touch upon it. That is what I want for myself this life. I don't desire power or money or fame. I just want a life surrounded in love and I want to help heal where I can everyone and everything I touch with my life." I know that's not really goals as this society understands it, but it's what I want and how I've guided my life path thus far.
And it's how I intend to continue along this life path.
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
Blarg. This morning blogger switched back to the new ui and I still hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. HATE IT!!!!!!
AND, while I could change it back to the legacy ui, it's for now. (Only for now. OMG, has anyone thought of Avenue Q in like the last 15 years?! welp. Stuck in my head now..... Ugh. Set anything to music and have me hear it three times and I'll remember it forever. I may not understand what you wanted me to understand inside you, but damn I'll remember the words and melody FOREVER...... Was a useful brain hack in my biochem courses when I had to memorize things that were boring like reaction pathways...) Sorry. brain is a bit scattered extra ADHD all over the place tonight. Uncertain why -- it wasn't earlier today... It feels a bit like.... Like there's someone or something trying to pluck at me get my attention and I'm doing my best to ignore it but it keeps pulling away my focus.
But. Anyway. New ui on Blogger will be the only ui starting August 24. Which means that you should expect and start mentally preparing yourself that on August 23, I am going to stop writing here for keeps. (And, likely, I'll intentionally set it to private so only I can see it. That way, down the line, if blogger changes it's search parameters or something, instead of being unlisted this will just be private so it won't show all the truths that are not the most flattering for people that i've written here. because. they don't deserve that, to have this come up when searching their names..... Sure they fucked up and by getting defensive and not making right a system of ostracism and bullying that they created, they undercut everything they ever claimed to stand for ethically.... But I mean, on the spectrum of humanity, there's still far more about them in the column of "these are quality humans working damn hard to try to make the world better than the version of it they were born into" and I have respect for that even if I don't feel like I can actually trust them due to the bullying/ostracism related issues that began in the defensiveness of one person not wanting honesty and just wanting to cover up the truth rather than face the bad decision that had been made and the consequences of that choice...... But, I mean, okay, so it's a rather big fuckup in terms of ethics, but still it's one fuckup. Not a pattern of them. And i do understand the place from which it happened....it doesn't fix the shattered trust, but it doesn't negate all the good and wonderful things or how hard they have been working trying to be better than they have been and to fight to fix what is so fucking wrong about society as it is now.... And so if I'm going to abandon this, I'd prefer to do so with all the overly blunt honesty hidden away so it's all private and only the blog's author (me) can read it.... Y'know? Anything else would not be responsible of me....)
So anyway. Til Aug 24. that's it. I may go back to my... was it a wordpress I had setup? Same name as here and on my insta, infinite facets. (I used to have pictures up on my insta, but I hated all the dick pics and getting hit on and the stupidity of men on insta.... So since I only have insta for stories/lives of people/accounts who make me smile, I removed all my pictures and changed my profile picture to one of my dog wearing a paper crown because if anything was in it that implied I was a girl I just got toooooo many obnoxious dms and I was done with the toxic masculinity and getting hit on and cussed out for not wanting to chat up a rando who dmed me or not responding as he hoped when sending an unsolicited dick pic. Also, seriously. men who send unsolicited dick pics.... What the fuck response are you HOPING to get?!?! And has it ever worked with an actual woman and not just feds looking for pedo accounts?!?! Because in the history of the internet, I seriously don't know of any woman I've ever met who has ever had any sort of positive reaction to being sent unsolicited dick pics.... So why? Just why?) Anyway. Infinite Facets. That goes back to a poem I wrote back in high school, about my soul being like a gem of infinite facets and I couldn't be with someone who only saw in me the facets they wanted to see.....
So if I can remember my login, there's a high likelihood I'll hop back on over and reopen there... Found it. Don't know that i remember my login, but, ehrm, apparently I didn't use it much?.. Last time I did was back in January/February of 2018 when I was just completely done over the country music bullshit and everything related...... huh. Curious.
Rereading that... I'm not gonna lie..... it' kicks me in the gut rubs salt in my open wounds where it hurts worst that bit about at least leaving Eric happy with his life and his choices and where they've brought him..... because he's not right now... He hurts and hurts badly and I can feel it inside me, all the time. It's like, he knows and understands why I got hurt and feel like letting him in will just make the hurts worse without healing the trust that got broken and fixing things..... But he aches and he hurts so bad over it and sometimes all he wants is even to just be able to reach along the bond and hold onto that and feel that love along it and to have the promise and hope of "some point" that I'll be healed up and come back around for him to try again in this life.... And I can't even give him that.....And.... if it's anything for him like it was for me when he was dating the really viciously poisonous scorpion chick and I'd get overlays every time he had ANY strong emotions.... Then he's getting pulses and overlays of every time that Dave does something that makes me happy or makes go, "Aww I love this about you" or anything the like.... And.... It's only going to get worse the stronger the bond between David and I get -- especially if, whenever the covid pause on life is lifted enough for me to see him in person Dave decides to make his move... And it's going to burn and it's going to hurt to have to see it and feel my joy in it and know that he's no part of it -- and damnit i KNOW how that will hurt him because I went through it every time he felt anything intensely because of the jealousy-motivated scorpion chick he dated...... And those overlays only stopped when i used a favor from the fae to put the bond to sleep BECAUSE I didn't think it ethically right me being forced to voyeuristic clairsentience see/experience his, ehrm, personal moments that made him feel things intensely with someone else who didn't even know I existed.....
But. I also said that I'd not do a damn thing to the bond, not even quiet it down or try to dampen it or anything, unless/until Eric made a conscious choice to do something that caused me pain as an act of betrayal of his ethics/the bond again... And he hasn't since I decided that after he broke back through to reach me .... and so I'll keep my word, even when I know it hurts him.... And I always know when he hurts.... I always feel it inside me.....But the bond IS both of ours seeing as it ties between both our souls, not just mine, and even if it hurts him badly if he's not doing anything wrong or betraying what's good and right in the love between us than it's not for me to make his choices on it.... I can choose to want it quieted for my own ethical reasons, but his ethics are his and if he's not doing any active wrong by me or making me accessory to something I consider an ethics violation, than it's not for me to try to shield him from the hurts he will feel from me being with anyone besides him... same as I hurt when he's with anyone besides me and those strong emotions of his give me overlays via the bond of what made him feel those emotions.....
And that's complicated. And kind of fucked up..... But I dunno how to fix it or change it with where we're at. I can't just tape back together the shattered trust...that will take a lot of work to clear the debris and build it anew. And, I suppose I could choose to stay single indefinitely for Eric's sake -- but I'll heal quicker and better if I allow love and joy to be part of my healing. And that's part of what me choosing to be with David if Dave finds his courage to ask me will give. Also, realistically, I have karmic past life ties to Dave as well, nothing NEAR as strong or intense as with Eric, but they're there. If I don't honor them in this life, then I will have to honor them in a future life and that will be yet another life that Eric doesn't get to be my life partner -- isn't it better to have this happen while I need to heal from that fuckup of Eric back in August 2019 failing to acknowledge or face his sister's fuckup from October of 2018? Because the karma between David and me is about allowing him to be the one to heal me and nurture me and love me and see my worth, to allow him to care for me and protect me, after he was the judge who presided over my trial then death/burning back in the 1400s. (and then I cursed him he'd be forced to see everything he thought true for the lie it is and to see me sainted for the martyred death he gave me and then he got stuck as a ghost for like 300 years and then when I found him I felt bad and was the one to release/return him to the light of the cycle of incarnations and lay his ghost to rest....) But anyway, that karma and his sense of gratitude and debt are deep and it needs to be balanced, Dave cannot move on his soul's path without that opportunity of healing and him getting to love and care for me....that's how karma works. And accepting the deep abiding love of being cared for is honestly the best thing for me and what I need at this point in my lives and everything that has happened to get us to here.
Better we do it this life, while Eric works on his lessons for how/why his fuckup happened so he won't repeat it and I heal up from all the shattered trust... Because I know if you're not part of it you don't feel it the same way, but I do promise you that the way the karmic bond is between Eric and me, there will never be any life either of us have that we aren't drawn to each other seeking each other out and feel an empty space inside us where the other belongs in our life. That doesn't mean we can be together always in every single life, but it means I'll always return to him -- he just has to learn his lesson(s) he's been avoiding and I have to heal up my shattered trust in his ethics and whether or not he'd knowingly hurt me. But I will be coming back to him -- if not in this life than in the next or the next next or however many lives it takes to reach each other again..... And no lifetime, no matter how much love or joy I find with anyone else, can take that away or destroy it or do any damn thing to damage that sort of love. So I don't know WHEN precisely, but I do know IS (or in this case will be) and I know that later in this life or in the soonest future life where the conditions of his lessons and my shattered trust are met, we'll come hurtling back into each others lives like a rubber band you pulled too taut and then it snapped back onto itself.
But I do know Eric would hurt even worse without the bond, without at least having that reassurance of the love that flows between our souls. Even while it hurts, it's better to have the hurt of knowing that the love IS than he could ever feel if he was just reaching and calling into a void and never finding me.... That would just throw him into the deepest darkest self-harming depression without the strand he followed to get him out and find his way back to reach me again when it's happened before that I've muffled the bond because a thing of healing and love was acting as a thing of hurting and pain. But I do know that for eric's path to healing, he NEEDS that bond and to feel that it EXISTS and it's alive and healthy and full of love and more love for each other and that somewhere past the hurting and the learning and the becoming better there WILL be a time of returning and our paths reconverging, if not in this life than in another life. He needs the bond itself and the love from which it's forged and the promise of that hope for him to set his course to find his way out and to heal and learn his lessons so WHEN our paths cross again, he'll be ready and healed to knock his chance out of the park and get what he so deeply yearns for and needs.....
And I need it too. Even when it stings or is hard... I do need that love in the bond and the promise of hope that beyond this brokenness there's a way to heal and come back to each other. We both need it. And that's why as long as he's not actively or consciously doing things he knows to be ethically wrong/problematic, I'm going to leave the bond at full strength whatever that is even while building myself a life with David as my life partner in the nearer term future.....
There's a book I have loved since I first read it when I was about 10 or so. It's by Robin McKinley called The Hero and The Crown which is about a princess who chooses to be a dragon slaying knight in defiance of the wishes of her father the king and the mockery/unhelpfulness of nearly everyone at court (and there's actually a sequel/followup book she wrote first called The Blue Sword that's several hundred years later -- love both of them and have re-read them many times.) But I recommend reading The Hero and The Crown to understand me and my nature and also my current internal state with letting my love for Eric be for a time because it's eternal and can be returned to in the proper time once the proper healing has occurred while also being able to let that immortal love part of oneself sleep while you enjoy a life with a mortal love that also is a soul mate fit for you specifically..... I think if you read it and understand how it has always resonated with me as how I feel and cope with this tension in me when I have lives where this happens. (And let's be honest, this isn't the first life where we have had to build for ourselves homes and lives and loves apart for the sake of the lessons/tasks we had to learn/do. It's just normally not this painful because we don't find each other and then still have to let each other go within that life by conscious choice while the healing happens...) Read the book. It's like peeking into my own head/heart/soul on how I cope with this..... Also because it's one that I love dearly and reread often.
Still. I wish that Eric didn't hurt so much... I know it's necessary, a part of his learning... But I hate hearing inside me the echoes of how deep he's hurting over all of this and how we ended up here.....And. I don't know if he or I can have each other in our lives while this healing has ot happen but I don't know how to help heal his hurting without making certain he can at least know and feel how deep and enduring my love for him is even if a time of separation is now necessary for the both of us to heal before our paths can come back together next.......
AND, while I could change it back to the legacy ui, it's for now. (Only for now. OMG, has anyone thought of Avenue Q in like the last 15 years?! welp. Stuck in my head now..... Ugh. Set anything to music and have me hear it three times and I'll remember it forever. I may not understand what you wanted me to understand inside you, but damn I'll remember the words and melody FOREVER...... Was a useful brain hack in my biochem courses when I had to memorize things that were boring like reaction pathways...) Sorry. brain is a bit scattered extra ADHD all over the place tonight. Uncertain why -- it wasn't earlier today... It feels a bit like.... Like there's someone or something trying to pluck at me get my attention and I'm doing my best to ignore it but it keeps pulling away my focus.
But. Anyway. New ui on Blogger will be the only ui starting August 24. Which means that you should expect and start mentally preparing yourself that on August 23, I am going to stop writing here for keeps. (And, likely, I'll intentionally set it to private so only I can see it. That way, down the line, if blogger changes it's search parameters or something, instead of being unlisted this will just be private so it won't show all the truths that are not the most flattering for people that i've written here. because. they don't deserve that, to have this come up when searching their names..... Sure they fucked up and by getting defensive and not making right a system of ostracism and bullying that they created, they undercut everything they ever claimed to stand for ethically.... But I mean, on the spectrum of humanity, there's still far more about them in the column of "these are quality humans working damn hard to try to make the world better than the version of it they were born into" and I have respect for that even if I don't feel like I can actually trust them due to the bullying/ostracism related issues that began in the defensiveness of one person not wanting honesty and just wanting to cover up the truth rather than face the bad decision that had been made and the consequences of that choice...... But, I mean, okay, so it's a rather big fuckup in terms of ethics, but still it's one fuckup. Not a pattern of them. And i do understand the place from which it happened....it doesn't fix the shattered trust, but it doesn't negate all the good and wonderful things or how hard they have been working trying to be better than they have been and to fight to fix what is so fucking wrong about society as it is now.... And so if I'm going to abandon this, I'd prefer to do so with all the overly blunt honesty hidden away so it's all private and only the blog's author (me) can read it.... Y'know? Anything else would not be responsible of me....)
So anyway. Til Aug 24. that's it. I may go back to my... was it a wordpress I had setup? Same name as here and on my insta, infinite facets. (I used to have pictures up on my insta, but I hated all the dick pics and getting hit on and the stupidity of men on insta.... So since I only have insta for stories/lives of people/accounts who make me smile, I removed all my pictures and changed my profile picture to one of my dog wearing a paper crown because if anything was in it that implied I was a girl I just got toooooo many obnoxious dms and I was done with the toxic masculinity and getting hit on and cussed out for not wanting to chat up a rando who dmed me or not responding as he hoped when sending an unsolicited dick pic. Also, seriously. men who send unsolicited dick pics.... What the fuck response are you HOPING to get?!?! And has it ever worked with an actual woman and not just feds looking for pedo accounts?!?! Because in the history of the internet, I seriously don't know of any woman I've ever met who has ever had any sort of positive reaction to being sent unsolicited dick pics.... So why? Just why?) Anyway. Infinite Facets. That goes back to a poem I wrote back in high school, about my soul being like a gem of infinite facets and I couldn't be with someone who only saw in me the facets they wanted to see.....
So if I can remember my login, there's a high likelihood I'll hop back on over and reopen there... Found it. Don't know that i remember my login, but, ehrm, apparently I didn't use it much?.. Last time I did was back in January/February of 2018 when I was just completely done over the country music bullshit and everything related...... huh. Curious.
Rereading that... I'm not gonna lie..... it' kicks me in the gut rubs salt in my open wounds where it hurts worst that bit about at least leaving Eric happy with his life and his choices and where they've brought him..... because he's not right now... He hurts and hurts badly and I can feel it inside me, all the time. It's like, he knows and understands why I got hurt and feel like letting him in will just make the hurts worse without healing the trust that got broken and fixing things..... But he aches and he hurts so bad over it and sometimes all he wants is even to just be able to reach along the bond and hold onto that and feel that love along it and to have the promise and hope of "some point" that I'll be healed up and come back around for him to try again in this life.... And I can't even give him that.....And.... if it's anything for him like it was for me when he was dating the really viciously poisonous scorpion chick and I'd get overlays every time he had ANY strong emotions.... Then he's getting pulses and overlays of every time that Dave does something that makes me happy or makes go, "Aww I love this about you" or anything the like.... And.... It's only going to get worse the stronger the bond between David and I get -- especially if, whenever the covid pause on life is lifted enough for me to see him in person Dave decides to make his move... And it's going to burn and it's going to hurt to have to see it and feel my joy in it and know that he's no part of it -- and damnit i KNOW how that will hurt him because I went through it every time he felt anything intensely because of the jealousy-motivated scorpion chick he dated...... And those overlays only stopped when i used a favor from the fae to put the bond to sleep BECAUSE I didn't think it ethically right me being forced to voyeuristic clairsentience see/experience his, ehrm, personal moments that made him feel things intensely with someone else who didn't even know I existed.....
But. I also said that I'd not do a damn thing to the bond, not even quiet it down or try to dampen it or anything, unless/until Eric made a conscious choice to do something that caused me pain as an act of betrayal of his ethics/the bond again... And he hasn't since I decided that after he broke back through to reach me .... and so I'll keep my word, even when I know it hurts him.... And I always know when he hurts.... I always feel it inside me.....But the bond IS both of ours seeing as it ties between both our souls, not just mine, and even if it hurts him badly if he's not doing anything wrong or betraying what's good and right in the love between us than it's not for me to make his choices on it.... I can choose to want it quieted for my own ethical reasons, but his ethics are his and if he's not doing any active wrong by me or making me accessory to something I consider an ethics violation, than it's not for me to try to shield him from the hurts he will feel from me being with anyone besides him... same as I hurt when he's with anyone besides me and those strong emotions of his give me overlays via the bond of what made him feel those emotions.....
And that's complicated. And kind of fucked up..... But I dunno how to fix it or change it with where we're at. I can't just tape back together the shattered trust...that will take a lot of work to clear the debris and build it anew. And, I suppose I could choose to stay single indefinitely for Eric's sake -- but I'll heal quicker and better if I allow love and joy to be part of my healing. And that's part of what me choosing to be with David if Dave finds his courage to ask me will give. Also, realistically, I have karmic past life ties to Dave as well, nothing NEAR as strong or intense as with Eric, but they're there. If I don't honor them in this life, then I will have to honor them in a future life and that will be yet another life that Eric doesn't get to be my life partner -- isn't it better to have this happen while I need to heal from that fuckup of Eric back in August 2019 failing to acknowledge or face his sister's fuckup from October of 2018? Because the karma between David and me is about allowing him to be the one to heal me and nurture me and love me and see my worth, to allow him to care for me and protect me, after he was the judge who presided over my trial then death/burning back in the 1400s. (and then I cursed him he'd be forced to see everything he thought true for the lie it is and to see me sainted for the martyred death he gave me and then he got stuck as a ghost for like 300 years and then when I found him I felt bad and was the one to release/return him to the light of the cycle of incarnations and lay his ghost to rest....) But anyway, that karma and his sense of gratitude and debt are deep and it needs to be balanced, Dave cannot move on his soul's path without that opportunity of healing and him getting to love and care for me....that's how karma works. And accepting the deep abiding love of being cared for is honestly the best thing for me and what I need at this point in my lives and everything that has happened to get us to here.
Better we do it this life, while Eric works on his lessons for how/why his fuckup happened so he won't repeat it and I heal up from all the shattered trust... Because I know if you're not part of it you don't feel it the same way, but I do promise you that the way the karmic bond is between Eric and me, there will never be any life either of us have that we aren't drawn to each other seeking each other out and feel an empty space inside us where the other belongs in our life. That doesn't mean we can be together always in every single life, but it means I'll always return to him -- he just has to learn his lesson(s) he's been avoiding and I have to heal up my shattered trust in his ethics and whether or not he'd knowingly hurt me. But I will be coming back to him -- if not in this life than in the next or the next next or however many lives it takes to reach each other again..... And no lifetime, no matter how much love or joy I find with anyone else, can take that away or destroy it or do any damn thing to damage that sort of love. So I don't know WHEN precisely, but I do know IS (or in this case will be) and I know that later in this life or in the soonest future life where the conditions of his lessons and my shattered trust are met, we'll come hurtling back into each others lives like a rubber band you pulled too taut and then it snapped back onto itself.
But I do know Eric would hurt even worse without the bond, without at least having that reassurance of the love that flows between our souls. Even while it hurts, it's better to have the hurt of knowing that the love IS than he could ever feel if he was just reaching and calling into a void and never finding me.... That would just throw him into the deepest darkest self-harming depression without the strand he followed to get him out and find his way back to reach me again when it's happened before that I've muffled the bond because a thing of healing and love was acting as a thing of hurting and pain. But I do know that for eric's path to healing, he NEEDS that bond and to feel that it EXISTS and it's alive and healthy and full of love and more love for each other and that somewhere past the hurting and the learning and the becoming better there WILL be a time of returning and our paths reconverging, if not in this life than in another life. He needs the bond itself and the love from which it's forged and the promise of that hope for him to set his course to find his way out and to heal and learn his lessons so WHEN our paths cross again, he'll be ready and healed to knock his chance out of the park and get what he so deeply yearns for and needs.....
And I need it too. Even when it stings or is hard... I do need that love in the bond and the promise of hope that beyond this brokenness there's a way to heal and come back to each other. We both need it. And that's why as long as he's not actively or consciously doing things he knows to be ethically wrong/problematic, I'm going to leave the bond at full strength whatever that is even while building myself a life with David as my life partner in the nearer term future.....
There's a book I have loved since I first read it when I was about 10 or so. It's by Robin McKinley called The Hero and The Crown which is about a princess who chooses to be a dragon slaying knight in defiance of the wishes of her father the king and the mockery/unhelpfulness of nearly everyone at court (and there's actually a sequel/followup book she wrote first called The Blue Sword that's several hundred years later -- love both of them and have re-read them many times.) But I recommend reading The Hero and The Crown to understand me and my nature and also my current internal state with letting my love for Eric be for a time because it's eternal and can be returned to in the proper time once the proper healing has occurred while also being able to let that immortal love part of oneself sleep while you enjoy a life with a mortal love that also is a soul mate fit for you specifically..... I think if you read it and understand how it has always resonated with me as how I feel and cope with this tension in me when I have lives where this happens. (And let's be honest, this isn't the first life where we have had to build for ourselves homes and lives and loves apart for the sake of the lessons/tasks we had to learn/do. It's just normally not this painful because we don't find each other and then still have to let each other go within that life by conscious choice while the healing happens...) Read the book. It's like peeking into my own head/heart/soul on how I cope with this..... Also because it's one that I love dearly and reread often.
Still. I wish that Eric didn't hurt so much... I know it's necessary, a part of his learning... But I hate hearing inside me the echoes of how deep he's hurting over all of this and how we ended up here.....And. I don't know if he or I can have each other in our lives while this healing has ot happen but I don't know how to help heal his hurting without making certain he can at least know and feel how deep and enduring my love for him is even if a time of separation is now necessary for the both of us to heal before our paths can come back together next.......
Sunday, July 19, 2020
I'mma stay home and drink a bottle of dry bubbly rosé by myself whilst reading Angela Davis essays in Women, Race & Class is the 2020 equivalent of college millenials going out for for dinner, drinks, and a concert/club......
Also. Thus far, I find Women, Race & Class very much superior to the essays in Women, Culture & Politics which was a lot of pro-Communist rants about dated artistic/literary works that were mediocre enough to be forgotten by the passage of time...... WRC at least presents a framework for the early intersection of abolitionist and feminist suffragist beliefs and then the divergence once white women regained some economic raison d'être independence to put them back up into upper triangle of social hierarchy/supremacy.....
It's actually quite illuminating, imho, as to why white female allyship and mutual identity has historically extended only to a certain point in fights against systemic racism/bigotry but then switched allegiance to white supremacist misogynistic structures....
Also. WCP was a damn lot of pro-Communist propaganda about capitalism's failures with no support of why Communism would solve inequalities rather than reentrenching them. Which I found naively idealistic.... Whoever's in power will accumulate wealth and power because they can, so limiting the power of those in the elite while raising up the lowest with support is key. And communism fails at that and it stifles free will. I think capitalism fails because of wealth accumulation across generations while communism/socialism fails because it enforces conformity and doesn't reward innovation/creativity or work ethic.... There must be a way to reallocate, to reward as much hardwork/creativity as possible DURING a life, but reallocate excess funds upon personal death so everyone can get minimal needs met..... Capped inheritance after death, but financially/materially rewarded for hard work above and beyond basic necessities while alive........ And some form of checks and balances stewardship in the reallocation process...
Anyway. Back to the WCP essays now. More later. 💖
P. S. More than half a bottle of wine makes me super cuddly like taking ecstasy makes most people.... The redder the wine, the less wine it takes. Thus I don't drink more than a glass of wine on a date or while out unless with serious boyfriend... In conclusion: would very much like a snuggle buddy to hold me and curl up into right now... Very much want. Don't have. Which upsets me terribly..... *sigh* So back to cuddling my dog with cat curled up on me while reading Angela Davis essays then since nobody is here to hold me and for me to snuggle into his arms/chest.....
Also. Thus far, I find Women, Race & Class very much superior to the essays in Women, Culture & Politics which was a lot of pro-Communist rants about dated artistic/literary works that were mediocre enough to be forgotten by the passage of time...... WRC at least presents a framework for the early intersection of abolitionist and feminist suffragist beliefs and then the divergence once white women regained some economic raison d'être independence to put them back up into upper triangle of social hierarchy/supremacy.....
It's actually quite illuminating, imho, as to why white female allyship and mutual identity has historically extended only to a certain point in fights against systemic racism/bigotry but then switched allegiance to white supremacist misogynistic structures....
Also. WCP was a damn lot of pro-Communist propaganda about capitalism's failures with no support of why Communism would solve inequalities rather than reentrenching them. Which I found naively idealistic.... Whoever's in power will accumulate wealth and power because they can, so limiting the power of those in the elite while raising up the lowest with support is key. And communism fails at that and it stifles free will. I think capitalism fails because of wealth accumulation across generations while communism/socialism fails because it enforces conformity and doesn't reward innovation/creativity or work ethic.... There must be a way to reallocate, to reward as much hardwork/creativity as possible DURING a life, but reallocate excess funds upon personal death so everyone can get minimal needs met..... Capped inheritance after death, but financially/materially rewarded for hard work above and beyond basic necessities while alive........ And some form of checks and balances stewardship in the reallocation process...
Anyway. Back to the WCP essays now. More later. 💖
P. S. More than half a bottle of wine makes me super cuddly like taking ecstasy makes most people.... The redder the wine, the less wine it takes. Thus I don't drink more than a glass of wine on a date or while out unless with serious boyfriend... In conclusion: would very much like a snuggle buddy to hold me and curl up into right now... Very much want. Don't have. Which upsets me terribly..... *sigh* So back to cuddling my dog with cat curled up on me while reading Angela Davis essays then since nobody is here to hold me and for me to snuggle into his arms/chest.....
Saturday, July 18, 2020
I'm glad the storms came early. I rushed them along while taking the dog on our walk.... When the best way out is through, you reach a point in the eye of the hurricane and the calm before the storm that you just want it to start. Battles are like that too. That's the hardest part of leading an army, holding back the impatience to just start the damn thing since it's inevitable so you don't ruin the strategy and careful planning to have the fight on your terms....
I'll not speed up what's coming after this eye of the hurricane in the current battle for the very soul and future of humanity - the timing isn't yet. And while I am rested and chafing at waiting because I know what's coming and I want to get on with it, the others using this time to rest, to heal, to grow, to strengthen are not all at their peak. And for what's coming, we must all be at our best.... So I chose to rush the afternoon storms into the morning, hurry them along to get here 4 hours earlier than predicted, so the wind and thunder and rain can soothe my restlessness before battle for now.
I wish I had someone to talk to about what's coming.... It's hard playing Cassandra... Even if it sounds too outrageous and nobody will believe me about the next six months, still it would be nice to at least tell someone I could trust with the truths.... (nobody believed me back in November when I said I'd have no concerts or theater after mid-March because the whole world would be shut down, shut in, forced to slow down and face itself... Not my parents not even Crissy. She said we had tickets and refundable hotels and I told her I couldn't tell her why yet, but to keep it all refundable because I knew my own fatelines wouldn't have any concerts after the ides of March. She believed me, because she's been around me long enough heard enough of my improbable precogs she disbelieved then seen them come true. But even she heeded my warnings without fully believing me. Crissy has many gifts this life, and it's my fault they awoke because she was with when a powerful dark entity came seeking me to take me out in college and being around that much power awakened her empath gifts so I had to crash course teach her a lot of defenses/weapons/tools for how to focus and use her gifts and in the process completely changed her life path...but prophecy and precogs are not among her gifts nor are they part of my magic that rubs off to lesser degrees than my gifts onto people exposed to me too long like some of my others do. Ability to timeloop/prophecy/precogs run in bloodlines, and it's among the rarer gifts. Eric has it, though it's weaker than with me and for him it manifests in writing songs about his strong emotions that echo back to his past self and a knowing of where he needs to be and what he needs to create to get where he will be - with nothing to back it but a complete certainty it's what he must do to get where he needs to be. I don't know that he recognizes it for what it is. Nobody else in his immediate family has it that I've observed except Leo - though Britt wishes she did and will tell herself in hindsight that she foresaw something. It is not among her current gifts. She once had it, before she walked dark vengeful paths four or five lives ago that took her away from The Goddess and what I had taught Britt so many lifetimes ago.... She has lost so many gifts by her choice to seek personal vengeance rather than justice and what she welcomed into her soul to achieve that.... I don't blame her, that life was a cruel series of losses and tests and many would have chosen as she did if pushed to that emotional point and tempted as she was, but I remain saddened by it.... There was such brightness in her and so much potential before she chose to welcome that darkness into her..... Britt calls herself a witch because of the echoes in her of the gifts she once had and could have again if she chose to release that darkness and choose a path guided by justice not vengeance - but in this life her gifts are all echoes of her potential and the reason she can't always reach it is because whenever she embraces and feeds that path of blood and vengeance, she cuts herself off from the source of her own gifts.... In this life, her brothers both have stronger gifts and magic than she does, though they don't realize it. She does though, it's why she is constantly seeking to get back what she lost. But she won't til she humbles herself and chooses to let go of the desire for vengeance that still burns in her and motivates her. And.... She's clutched that coal so long, I don't know if she knows who she is without her ruthless desire for vengeance - it is becoming her identity the more she chooses the path of Erinyes.... But there are no gifts of life and creation down that path, only all consuming anger and madness, in oneself and in those you make your victims. There's a place for them and their anger and madness, but it is one that is far from the light and love she turned away from but still seeks in her moments when she is not consumed by the vengeance fire she chose to graft into her and that will consume her soul if she lets it... Weirdly, it is her sense of distance/alienation from what she lost that makes her turn back to and cling to that spirit of vengeance she allowed to dig roots into her soul - because the hellfire of it is better than the absence or phantom limb of what she lost. She doesn't see that it's that fire that destroyed her older connections and gifts and she can'tfind her way back to any of what she has lost til she lets go of the vengeance spirit that feeds on her and she tears its suckers out of her before the parasitic spirit she welcomed in becomes the guide of the host....but that is not my battle. And she made her choices to reject me three times and so I am no longer her teacher and The Goddess told me directly that I cannot intercede for her with The Goddess in the future - my protections no longer surround Britt after the choices she made between 2015 and 2018....and it breaks my heart, but I can't do anything about it or help her any longer since our past teacher-student priestess-acolyte karmic bonds were ritually severed by The Goddess due to Britt's choices - only her choices can save or damn her now.)
Still. I wish I had someone I could talk to about what is coming...... The "what may yet come to be" of all the battles along all the fatelines are heavy. As are the things that happen along every fateline....
It's just a lot to carry. It's not my first life playing Cassandra, it's been among my gifts for so long I can't remember lives without it. But it would be nice to have someone to talk to about these futures unfolding. Even if they didn't believe me, it would still be nice to have someone to help me carry the weight of the knowing before it all happens..... I don't. But I wish I did. I used to tell the visions to my polar bear in my dream state, he'd always listen and believe I had seen what I claimed even if he couldn't see it for himself. But the polar bear is no longer allowed to share my dream state...not even now with the bond awake and full of power for as long as he doesn't make it a source of hurt/betrayal to me. But to let the polar bear into my dream state involves my trust and the trust of those who guard me through this troubled battle time (The Goddess and the hawk god) and he has lost that.... So now I just carry inside me the weights of all that I see and have seen of what is yet to come. And it would be nice to have someone to help carry it....
I'll not speed up what's coming after this eye of the hurricane in the current battle for the very soul and future of humanity - the timing isn't yet. And while I am rested and chafing at waiting because I know what's coming and I want to get on with it, the others using this time to rest, to heal, to grow, to strengthen are not all at their peak. And for what's coming, we must all be at our best.... So I chose to rush the afternoon storms into the morning, hurry them along to get here 4 hours earlier than predicted, so the wind and thunder and rain can soothe my restlessness before battle for now.
I wish I had someone to talk to about what's coming.... It's hard playing Cassandra... Even if it sounds too outrageous and nobody will believe me about the next six months, still it would be nice to at least tell someone I could trust with the truths.... (nobody believed me back in November when I said I'd have no concerts or theater after mid-March because the whole world would be shut down, shut in, forced to slow down and face itself... Not my parents not even Crissy. She said we had tickets and refundable hotels and I told her I couldn't tell her why yet, but to keep it all refundable because I knew my own fatelines wouldn't have any concerts after the ides of March. She believed me, because she's been around me long enough heard enough of my improbable precogs she disbelieved then seen them come true. But even she heeded my warnings without fully believing me. Crissy has many gifts this life, and it's my fault they awoke because she was with when a powerful dark entity came seeking me to take me out in college and being around that much power awakened her empath gifts so I had to crash course teach her a lot of defenses/weapons/tools for how to focus and use her gifts and in the process completely changed her life path...but prophecy and precogs are not among her gifts nor are they part of my magic that rubs off to lesser degrees than my gifts onto people exposed to me too long like some of my others do. Ability to timeloop/prophecy/precogs run in bloodlines, and it's among the rarer gifts. Eric has it, though it's weaker than with me and for him it manifests in writing songs about his strong emotions that echo back to his past self and a knowing of where he needs to be and what he needs to create to get where he will be - with nothing to back it but a complete certainty it's what he must do to get where he needs to be. I don't know that he recognizes it for what it is. Nobody else in his immediate family has it that I've observed except Leo - though Britt wishes she did and will tell herself in hindsight that she foresaw something. It is not among her current gifts. She once had it, before she walked dark vengeful paths four or five lives ago that took her away from The Goddess and what I had taught Britt so many lifetimes ago.... She has lost so many gifts by her choice to seek personal vengeance rather than justice and what she welcomed into her soul to achieve that.... I don't blame her, that life was a cruel series of losses and tests and many would have chosen as she did if pushed to that emotional point and tempted as she was, but I remain saddened by it.... There was such brightness in her and so much potential before she chose to welcome that darkness into her..... Britt calls herself a witch because of the echoes in her of the gifts she once had and could have again if she chose to release that darkness and choose a path guided by justice not vengeance - but in this life her gifts are all echoes of her potential and the reason she can't always reach it is because whenever she embraces and feeds that path of blood and vengeance, she cuts herself off from the source of her own gifts.... In this life, her brothers both have stronger gifts and magic than she does, though they don't realize it. She does though, it's why she is constantly seeking to get back what she lost. But she won't til she humbles herself and chooses to let go of the desire for vengeance that still burns in her and motivates her. And.... She's clutched that coal so long, I don't know if she knows who she is without her ruthless desire for vengeance - it is becoming her identity the more she chooses the path of Erinyes.... But there are no gifts of life and creation down that path, only all consuming anger and madness, in oneself and in those you make your victims. There's a place for them and their anger and madness, but it is one that is far from the light and love she turned away from but still seeks in her moments when she is not consumed by the vengeance fire she chose to graft into her and that will consume her soul if she lets it... Weirdly, it is her sense of distance/alienation from what she lost that makes her turn back to and cling to that spirit of vengeance she allowed to dig roots into her soul - because the hellfire of it is better than the absence or phantom limb of what she lost. She doesn't see that it's that fire that destroyed her older connections and gifts and she can'tfind her way back to any of what she has lost til she lets go of the vengeance spirit that feeds on her and she tears its suckers out of her before the parasitic spirit she welcomed in becomes the guide of the host....but that is not my battle. And she made her choices to reject me three times and so I am no longer her teacher and The Goddess told me directly that I cannot intercede for her with The Goddess in the future - my protections no longer surround Britt after the choices she made between 2015 and 2018....and it breaks my heart, but I can't do anything about it or help her any longer since our past teacher-student priestess-acolyte karmic bonds were ritually severed by The Goddess due to Britt's choices - only her choices can save or damn her now.)
Still. I wish I had someone I could talk to about what is coming...... The "what may yet come to be" of all the battles along all the fatelines are heavy. As are the things that happen along every fateline....
It's just a lot to carry. It's not my first life playing Cassandra, it's been among my gifts for so long I can't remember lives without it. But it would be nice to have someone to talk to about these futures unfolding. Even if they didn't believe me, it would still be nice to have someone to help me carry the weight of the knowing before it all happens..... I don't. But I wish I did. I used to tell the visions to my polar bear in my dream state, he'd always listen and believe I had seen what I claimed even if he couldn't see it for himself. But the polar bear is no longer allowed to share my dream state...not even now with the bond awake and full of power for as long as he doesn't make it a source of hurt/betrayal to me. But to let the polar bear into my dream state involves my trust and the trust of those who guard me through this troubled battle time (The Goddess and the hawk god) and he has lost that.... So now I just carry inside me the weights of all that I see and have seen of what is yet to come. And it would be nice to have someone to help carry it....
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
I'm sorry if I feel very distant right now and hard to reach.... I'm both closer and further than I always am.... I'm at the still point in the center and only those who have done their personal shadow work properly are allowed there. It's one of the less talked about gifts, but it's the place where lightworkers go to rest during the times of chaos when they're not actively needed. It's a bit like the eye of a hurricane where everything is whirling chaos around you, but right in the center is the calm. Or. More accurately. The stillness at the center is like the center of a wheel - where the wheel itself turns and turns but right at the post through the center on which it turns is the still point in the center. Most people, caught up in their lessons and their accrued karma, they're stuck on the outside of the wheel and it's the wheel that turns the course of their lives based on what they have done and what they still must learn. But the more work you've done, the closer to the center you move, then the quicker and more intense your luck or fate hits you if you make karmic missteps or do good to realign yourself. But once you have done all your currently needed shadow work and your negative karma is cleared, you are granted access to the still point at the center. For as long as you do not make choices that would accrue the sort of karma that would expel you from the still point of the center. Never permanent expulsion, just lasting as long as you won't do the work to deserve to reach it.
It's a refuge for lightworkers when the work to be done isn't ours.... A place of rest between battles... And right now, because it's the calm in the center of the storm, all the lightworkers are there, to a greater or lesser extent.
Because. Right now, much has been dragged into the light and is being confronted by those who never lived it in past lives. But the inner work of the healing and the personal battles.... That's all individual work. The catalysts for an opportunity to change are just that - an opportunity you earned. Whether you accept or reject the offer of assistance to show you a way through and to show you where to put the energy into the work, the healing and growth itself must be free will choices of the individual.
Now is the time of facing the shadow work if you have it in you to be faced. Or, if you still run ego-driven scared, of continuing to run from the healing because it hurts and requires letting go of the ego's need to be right and instead asks you to face what is true. Or if you're a true lightworker centered in yourself at this time, then it's now a time of rest and wyrd calm while everyone else's agitation builds depending on if they're choosing to face or hide what has been brought into the light about themselves.
I have seen and I know what is coming on the other side of the eye of the storm. The latter half of 2020 will be more painful and far more deadly dangerous than the first half..... What remains to be dragged into the light is even uglier. And the defensiveness of those who have chosen greed/ego at the expense of compassion/oneness is going to erupt in a way that it has not in a very long time. It's all being dragged into the light to be examined and destroyed - that is the demand that I/we made to create the stepping stone path if the youngest souls would choose to walk it with us old souls.
You have til the comet passes out of sight of the naked eye and we enter the lion's gate to get your inner work in order and do the shadow work you know you must do to clean house in your soul. Once we're past that, more Hell will break loose and the battles to be fought in the name of humanity as a whole will be too grave and too dire for you to do any personal work.
I urge you to do whatever karmic shadow work is required for you to earn access to the still point at the center. And.... Even if you love them dearly.... Don't take up arms trying to battle the inner demons even of loved ones like your sibling or other family - the one whose choices accrued the karma is the only one whose choices can alter their fate on the wheel.... You can only hurt yourself by trying to fight their battles for them, you cannot help or heal them of what their own choices made in free will have manifested for their karma.... You have your own shadow work to do - you cannot do a damn bit of the shadow work of another soul. No matter how dearly you love them.
If you need me, do your inner work so you can join me in the still point at the center. Otherwise, I'll see you if/when you find me on the other side of the year of perfect vision. And through it all, keep fighting to stay on the side of compassion and empathy for the oneness of all being and all spirit, fighting against injustice and cruelty and systems of oppression. That is the primary marker for the stepping stone path that liberates us all together or will destroy mankind entirely if we fail this crucible of testing....
It's a refuge for lightworkers when the work to be done isn't ours.... A place of rest between battles... And right now, because it's the calm in the center of the storm, all the lightworkers are there, to a greater or lesser extent.
Because. Right now, much has been dragged into the light and is being confronted by those who never lived it in past lives. But the inner work of the healing and the personal battles.... That's all individual work. The catalysts for an opportunity to change are just that - an opportunity you earned. Whether you accept or reject the offer of assistance to show you a way through and to show you where to put the energy into the work, the healing and growth itself must be free will choices of the individual.
Now is the time of facing the shadow work if you have it in you to be faced. Or, if you still run ego-driven scared, of continuing to run from the healing because it hurts and requires letting go of the ego's need to be right and instead asks you to face what is true. Or if you're a true lightworker centered in yourself at this time, then it's now a time of rest and wyrd calm while everyone else's agitation builds depending on if they're choosing to face or hide what has been brought into the light about themselves.
I have seen and I know what is coming on the other side of the eye of the storm. The latter half of 2020 will be more painful and far more deadly dangerous than the first half..... What remains to be dragged into the light is even uglier. And the defensiveness of those who have chosen greed/ego at the expense of compassion/oneness is going to erupt in a way that it has not in a very long time. It's all being dragged into the light to be examined and destroyed - that is the demand that I/we made to create the stepping stone path if the youngest souls would choose to walk it with us old souls.
You have til the comet passes out of sight of the naked eye and we enter the lion's gate to get your inner work in order and do the shadow work you know you must do to clean house in your soul. Once we're past that, more Hell will break loose and the battles to be fought in the name of humanity as a whole will be too grave and too dire for you to do any personal work.
I urge you to do whatever karmic shadow work is required for you to earn access to the still point at the center. And.... Even if you love them dearly.... Don't take up arms trying to battle the inner demons even of loved ones like your sibling or other family - the one whose choices accrued the karma is the only one whose choices can alter their fate on the wheel.... You can only hurt yourself by trying to fight their battles for them, you cannot help or heal them of what their own choices made in free will have manifested for their karma.... You have your own shadow work to do - you cannot do a damn bit of the shadow work of another soul. No matter how dearly you love them.
If you need me, do your inner work so you can join me in the still point at the center. Otherwise, I'll see you if/when you find me on the other side of the year of perfect vision. And through it all, keep fighting to stay on the side of compassion and empathy for the oneness of all being and all spirit, fighting against injustice and cruelty and systems of oppression. That is the primary marker for the stepping stone path that liberates us all together or will destroy mankind entirely if we fail this crucible of testing....
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Apparently, when trying to find the place to turn this back to the old ui (I LOATHE with an intense fiery burning passion the new ui - when the old one is completely discontinued, I'm shutting this blog down and walking) I accidentally set the whole thing to private a week or so ago.... Whoops!! That was my mistake while frustrated and angry (and nothing tech works around me when I get angry or frustrated....)
Fixed that now! Sorry again - not that you really missed much here, lol
Okay, off to go read Les Mille et Une Nuits in French and hang out with the munchkin today! I adore the legend of Scherezade and her 1,001 Nights.... I have always been inspired by the idea of being completely powerless in a society that disempowers you but still you seize it anyway by your ability to tell a story so well your words (and seduction skills) can earn you the reprieve of one more day and one more night's stay of execution - for 2.5 years! I've always found that powerful testament to the deep magicks that happen when a woman speaks her truths rather than repressing it and nearly bringing everything to tragic ruin due to her enforced silence. It has always resonated with me as a truth about the importance of speaking out even if you've been told not to, especially in the face of injustice and power imbalance. (this is one of my forever favourite fairytale tropes.)
And then David has his livestream on the band Patreon at 7:30pm. As mentioned in yesterday's post.
Fixed that now! Sorry again - not that you really missed much here, lol
Okay, off to go read Les Mille et Une Nuits in French and hang out with the munchkin today! I adore the legend of Scherezade and her 1,001 Nights.... I have always been inspired by the idea of being completely powerless in a society that disempowers you but still you seize it anyway by your ability to tell a story so well your words (and seduction skills) can earn you the reprieve of one more day and one more night's stay of execution - for 2.5 years! I've always found that powerful testament to the deep magicks that happen when a woman speaks her truths rather than repressing it and nearly bringing everything to tragic ruin due to her enforced silence. It has always resonated with me as a truth about the importance of speaking out even if you've been told not to, especially in the face of injustice and power imbalance. (this is one of my forever favourite fairytale tropes.)
And then David has his livestream on the band Patreon at 7:30pm. As mentioned in yesterday's post.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
It was deep into his fiery heart, He took the dust of Joan of Arc. Then she clearly understood, If if he was fire, oh she must be wood. I saw her wince, I saw her cry. I saw the glory in her eyes. Myself I long, I long for love and light, But must it come so cruel, must it be so bright?
I don't really have much to say.... Lately I've been listening to Darlingside a lot (thanks to Enda) and the last couple days I decided to read the Mary Poppins books because i never did (she's a vain self-centered gaslighting bitch in the books, actually. A magical bitch, but a vain conceited bitch who's constantly gaslighting the children. The Julie Andrews version of her is far superior to the original in the books.)
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night David is doing a livestream on the band's Patreon at 7:30pm CST. So I'll have an hour and a half or so of that to look forward to on an unlisted youtube (that being where/how Patreon lives host, on unlisted Youtubes.) That will be nice, often on Wednesdays around 8ish I get this feeling and sense that there's somewhere I'm supposed to be, something I'm supposed to be doing -- but I have no idea what the fuck it could be. It's like someone is calling out to me wanting me to be somewhere, do something, but I can't quite hear it clearly. It's been frustrating me for a while now on Wednesday nights...It's like it's just out of my grasp and if I allowed myself I'd recognize it and know immediately who was calling for me and why and where I ought to be, but for some reason, I'm not allowed or not allowing me to know what that echoing pull is from. But if I have David's livestream to look forward to, then even if I feel that, I can sublimate it tell myself that I'm right where I should be. (Dave had been scheduled at noon with coffee on Tuesday while they were doing all the streams regular every week on their band facebook and half of them on insta and then occasionally on facebook and insta on Thursdays drinking whiskey. This is the first time he's ever held a livestream on Wednesday as a Whiskey Wednesday) I'm looking forward to it because David makes me uncomplicatedly happy every time I see him -- particularly for as long as I can put to sleep the memories and dreams of futures I had hoped would be chosen to become the path we trod this life with Eric... So any time I get to see David I look forward to it -- especially since Eric's choice end of August and me saying my internal farewells at the 3 shows in November, particularly the one in Minneapolis. Knowing I will have the Patron only livestream with David on Wednesday night at 7:30pm will keep me from wanting to figure out who's calling me and where it is they want me to be and what they want of me.....
Probably the most important thing recently:
Following the eclipse on Saturday/Sunday. while the moon was full in Capricorn, I was moving the large heavy tapestry that had previously been on the hallway wall which over the last 10 years or so has become band/fest signed tour posters. It's the wall I removed my 3 Delta Rae posters from back in March and put other posters in the frames and rearranged. But I have a lot of others that need frames and/or wall space so have been meaning to move the tapestry into the living room over the piano and the console that is actually a super cool old broken record player that I have a vague idea of wanting to fix and make a working sound system. Underneath the sliding top, it's all toggles and buttons and dials and some straight up 60s/70s interfaces. And to pop out the doors that are locked and make the interior for storage of music. It sits in my living room next to the beautifully carved broken wooden chair, my own siege perilous. On top of it, it has artwork that needs frames, my LED light up birch tree, and my broken rapier that needs a grip (I actually really want it made out of wood, I bought myself a beautiful block of bubinga that called to me for it... But everybody I know with access to a lathe doesn't have the skills to make it the way I want it and everyone with the woodworking skills and perfectionism for me to trust with it lacks a lathe. It could be whittled by hand to fit my grip specifically, if you could get the interior done right by hand -- but I don't know anyone who whittles anyway.I suppose it could be done in two halves and pieced together, but I'm not sure how the seams would look/ feel/hold unless it were done really well.... But I tried to leather wrap it and it didn't look right so I was unhappy. I know what i want and I want that damn grip done in bubinga wood and eventually, some day, I'm going to get the sword fixed the way i want it damnit!) Anyway, so I have a broken chair, a broken sword, and a broken vintage record player/bureau on wheels -- and no idea when any of them will be fixed.
I don't know how I started in on the broken things I need to fix eventually, but apparently this whole post is about broken things that I want fixed.
So I was moving the tapestry into the living room. (it was my grandparents before it found its way to me and its one of the three things my grandparents had when I was a small child that I coveted for myself. It's huge -- like 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide, gilded wooden frame. It's a copy of a 16th century troubadours and a servant girl in like a wine cellar or something.) As I was lifting it all by myself to hang it on the nail, I ended up accidentally knocking my statue of Justice off the piano to the ground.
Eight years ago I had bought my statue of Justice from Egyptian International Art at their random booth at Summerfest that I always stop at every year to buy one of my favorite perfumes (yeah Summerfest, the music festival.) I bought it July 4, 2012 and posted about it the next day on July 5. It was actually in my memories the day that I broke the statue from when I had bought it. (My only other facebook memories that day were about the Delta Rae show last summer in Stephens Point on July 5 -- with all the storms to dance in and the rainbow and the very nice trees. Seriously, apparently I don't post much on facebook on July 5th over all these years.... Weirdly, the first time I saw Delta Rae live after discovering them was that same span of time at Summerfest in 2012 when they were there just a day or two after I'd bought the statue. I actually randomly walked past on that path seeking a place of quiet by the water to recenter myself before returning to the overwhelming crowd/noise of Summerfest to meet up with some friends WHILE that recording of Hey Hey Hey was being filmed and it was right at the start and so I unobtrusively as possible stopped to listen for the entire song before running off. I doubt that any of them saw me stop on the other side of the path behind the camera to listen for as long as the song lasted, at least I don't remember realizing they'd seen me, and I don't think anybody but me remembers or noticed I was there for this filming... but still it did happen. I was there, and I did stay for the song before disappearing. That was after I'd seen Bottom of the River on VH1 at like 2am and thought it was a cool song/video but a one trick pony but that day on the path hearing Hey hey hey for the first time I couldn't remember the band or why they looked familiar -- it wasn't til I saw the video for Morning Comes later that fall after Irishfest season that I realized that was the random Summerfest band I'd been trying to find/figure out who it was. Morning Comes was the song that made me remember their name and think I needed to give the full album a listen, and then it was the line in Surrounded "Fell in love with a a girl who's found love before in the hands and the hearts of the people she wore. She's all that I see but there's things in between, the fractures and fissures of all of the pictures we leave" that made me stop in my tracks and decide to give the band my full undivided attention because maybe for once I wasn't the only one who remembered.... And then I saw them again at High Noon Saloon in like 2013 and then when they played Summerfest on July 4, 2014 on the Johnson Control Stage, the time when Eric played Better Off Alone which was super emo and never made any album or stayed in the band's repertoire. And then of course the Stephens Point show outdoors in the rain/storms was a July 5 show. All of those were in my memories around the 5th.... Apparently I have seen them many pivotal points in their career between July 4-7.... I actually saw Delta Rae live the first time before I ever saw We Banjo 3 for the first time. You knew that, right? I caught WB3 the first time in August at Irishfest of 2012, but Delta Rae I saw in person the first time in July of 2012. They have always had precedence. Eric always had a jumpstart of a chance over David, it was Eric's to fuck up and lose. Anyway, because of Facebook memories, they've been on my mind a lot lately over this last week or so. Because I can decide to let him go until the time is right for our lives to come back together after the proper lessons are learned and I can sever known points of contact and I can even mute/muffle the bond or have the fairfolk put it to sleep -- but I can't remove it or the echoes from inside his heart/soul that always reach me. In every life. And ain't no other bond, with no other soul does that but the one to his soul. Actually, looking up that video from 2012 is the first I've watched/listened to anything from Delta Rae since March. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all - probably because it's from a time before there was any hurt mixed in. It made me happy nostalgic wistful, like looking through old photos with people who are dead or just grown apart so far they're not in your life any longer... but it didn't hurt.)
Anyway. I can't really explain all that. It's just those shows have all been in my memories of my past posts on Facebook lately. So on my mind. As well as my purchase of Justice being in my memories from precisely 8 years before the day I broke her....
Both her arms broke off when she got knocked off the piano, both the left one holding the scales aloft AND the right arm holding the sword AND the scales themselves are broken just below where they go through her hand....
Yep. The Libra Sun with a Capricorn Moon broke both arms off Justice the morning after July 4th during a full moon in Capricorn. (And if you've looked into the astrology of the USA, none of what's happening should surprise you...) It is absolutely one of the worst omens and portents I have personally ever been a part of in this life..... And when it happened, it made me remember back in 2019, the night I got back home to sleep in my own bed after the Kalamazoo show that was the day they announced the Kickstarter, when I was laying there trying to sleep and couldn't sleep because I was being flooded by all the unexpected precogs of what was going to happen after Eric made his choice in August. (though at the time I couldn't understand what I as seeing, just feel the truth in the precogs/overlays, because I was so fucking happy to have them back instead of the country selling out bullshit and to feel the power and the magic and the love and that all of it still IS. So having my precogs tell me it was all temporary and going to shatter even worse before September started was fucking with me and I chose to ignore it... so I just kept telling Crissy that something was going to happen in August to break it all and that the joy of that summer was a temporary return and to bask in it for as long as it could last before things got worse again -- and those precogs that I couldn't make sense out of just feel the waves of emotions from my future self were the impetus for me buying the tickets to the 3 November shows (the Ark, Chicago, and Minneapolis) immediately they went on sale in July so I could be CERTAIN that my future self would go, if only as a farewell, as I'd already bought the tickets....because last July I couldn't even consider losing them again and felt complete certainty that we both deserved for me to be at those November shows at the barest minimum.) and I also had precogs of what 2020 was bringing including the image of Broken Justice on my piano and how everything would get worse after she was broken before it got better....
Anyway, breaking Justice like that gave me the worst chills I've had playing Cassandra this life in many many years.... I knew it would happen at the midpoint of this year, but still WHEN it happened it crackled through me like a lightning strike and hurt terribly and filled me again with all those precogs and all the pain and the memory of what is going to happen but hasn't happened yet.....
I bent the metal rod in her left arm back to straight and have put it in the socket once more. But I'm all out of artist/jeweler epoxy and until I buy some more I can't properly reattach that broken left arm, put the scales back in her hand one more or reattach her right arm holding the sword of Justice. My sister (who is a Virgo with a Pisces moon, but an atheist denies her own strong gifts except in relation to me in moments of life or death and fear) told me I should leave Justice broken until the US Justice system is repaired. She's right.... I know if i try to fix it sooner, before the time is right, she'll just break again... Justice IS fixable though. Of that I am sure (even with all the precogs of how much worse things will get before they get better.)
Until Justice can be fixed, she's back on the right side of the piano, broken armed and empty handed with her scales and sword lying at her feet....
And I don't know how anyone can look at that without FEELING the chill of portents and fate coming off it... Especially as it was a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon who broke Justice during the Capricorn full moon eclipse....
I'm still a bit overwhelmed and shocky and not yet ready to be around people after having to relive all those precogs that had flooded through me last July and then I compartmentalized put in memory storage so I could enjoy the time I had before the maelstrom of the year of perfect vision arrived.
I won't go into details, even with people close to me I haven't shared the details I've seen, only the warnings and preparations they'd need for the battles I've known were coming to shift everything (because if it didn't shift and the young souls without karmic guilt weren't given full knowledge as the veils were torn away over these last eight years, then humanity as a vehicle of incarnation was to be ended for the sake of the planet.... I took a gamble telling the old souls that the young souls in their first 3 levels of incarnations didn't deserve to be punished for the failures of the middle aged souls to learn and to clean up their fuckups and face them to build a better future. I created this stepping stone path across fate lines and universes to give mankind a way out -- IF the young souls chose to reject every evil that was being brought into the light for them to face before living it out karmically.... I stand by that choice of mine and why it was the only fair way to do it, to give this one last chance to mankind to dismantle and destroy everything that is a result of the Roman model of conquest/colonoialism/greed/enslavement/plutocracy/control that created this modern mess so we can choose a better paradigm. I have been working toward this for nearly 2,200 years, since Rome conquered Greece and dragged me away in chains and the last time I prophesied in Delphi after seeing everything that the Roman model would create and how the Roman expansionist model coupled with Evangelical holier than thou Christianity othering everyone not in the controlling clique was going to stunt the growth for thousands of years and fuck over the evolution of mankind... I have known how fucking hard it would be to find a way back to the light and recover from showing the evil results of that choice I played no part in and I have spent so many lifetimes fighting to get us to this point where literally all of humanity is staked on fighting injustice and facing oneself.... but I did know that there was a path across and that in the fullness of time I would find. It was just going to be many many many lifetimes..... But because 13 years ago I decided that punishing the youngest of incarnating souls was unfair since they were not guilty of this fuckup and in arguing it wasn't just to punish the innocent so I created/found a stepping stone path across the fatelines for humanity, it means I also must play Cassandra and bear inside me the precogs of all of it and the guilt and the burden of all of it as it unfolds and those who are true lightworker warriors along with the youngest souls strive to keep mankind to the stepping stone path outside of this mess. Since I'm the one who made this call to change the rules 13 years ago since otherwise mankind would be destroyed..... And it's so heavy.... It's the weight that made me decide I don't have the strength to put up with Britt's headgames control issue bullying bullshit or bear any further hurts from Eric while carrying all of this and if Eric was going to choose a path of evil and injustice and ostracism and bullying and he was going to choose not to give a damn about his choices/actions and the hurt they cause, then I was going to cut him and everything tied to him and reminding me of him out of my life for this life until the crisis is past. And that I'd choose for myself a haven of love and healing and genuine caring about me and my pain as the only way to help me heal and carry all these weights on my soul through this time of crossing the stepping stone path to a new paradigm (or mankind destroying itself entirely in the process.))
[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Joan of Arc. It's originally by Leonard Cohen, but I know it first and best from the Allison Crowe cover of the song...
"Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
As she came riding through the dark
No moon to keep her Armour bright
No man to get her through this dark and smoky night
She said, "I'm tired of the war
I want the kind of work I had before
A wedding dress or something white
To wear upon my swollen appetite"
Well, I'm glad to hear you talk this way
I've watched you riding every day
And there's something in me that yearns to win
Such a cold, such a lonesome heroine
And who are you?" she sternly spoke
To the one beneath the smoke
"Why, I'm fire, " he replied
"And I love your solitude, I love your pride"
"Well then fire, make your body cold
I'm going to give you mine to hold"
And saying this she climbed inside
To be his one, to be his only bride
And then deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And high above all these wedding guests
He hung the ashes of her lovely wedding dress
It was deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And then she clearly understood
If if he was fire, oh she must be wood
I saw her wince, I saw her cry
I saw the glory in her eye
Myself I long for love and light
But must it come so cruel, must it be so bright?"
I listen to the Allison Crowe cover on repeat whenever I'm feeling tired and alone and not wanting to carry the weight of it all. So a lot since Saturday....]
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night David is doing a livestream on the band's Patreon at 7:30pm CST. So I'll have an hour and a half or so of that to look forward to on an unlisted youtube (that being where/how Patreon lives host, on unlisted Youtubes.) That will be nice, often on Wednesdays around 8ish I get this feeling and sense that there's somewhere I'm supposed to be, something I'm supposed to be doing -- but I have no idea what the fuck it could be. It's like someone is calling out to me wanting me to be somewhere, do something, but I can't quite hear it clearly. It's been frustrating me for a while now on Wednesday nights...It's like it's just out of my grasp and if I allowed myself I'd recognize it and know immediately who was calling for me and why and where I ought to be, but for some reason, I'm not allowed or not allowing me to know what that echoing pull is from. But if I have David's livestream to look forward to, then even if I feel that, I can sublimate it tell myself that I'm right where I should be. (Dave had been scheduled at noon with coffee on Tuesday while they were doing all the streams regular every week on their band facebook and half of them on insta and then occasionally on facebook and insta on Thursdays drinking whiskey. This is the first time he's ever held a livestream on Wednesday as a Whiskey Wednesday) I'm looking forward to it because David makes me uncomplicatedly happy every time I see him -- particularly for as long as I can put to sleep the memories and dreams of futures I had hoped would be chosen to become the path we trod this life with Eric... So any time I get to see David I look forward to it -- especially since Eric's choice end of August and me saying my internal farewells at the 3 shows in November, particularly the one in Minneapolis. Knowing I will have the Patron only livestream with David on Wednesday night at 7:30pm will keep me from wanting to figure out who's calling me and where it is they want me to be and what they want of me.....
Probably the most important thing recently:
Following the eclipse on Saturday/Sunday. while the moon was full in Capricorn, I was moving the large heavy tapestry that had previously been on the hallway wall which over the last 10 years or so has become band/fest signed tour posters. It's the wall I removed my 3 Delta Rae posters from back in March and put other posters in the frames and rearranged. But I have a lot of others that need frames and/or wall space so have been meaning to move the tapestry into the living room over the piano and the console that is actually a super cool old broken record player that I have a vague idea of wanting to fix and make a working sound system. Underneath the sliding top, it's all toggles and buttons and dials and some straight up 60s/70s interfaces. And to pop out the doors that are locked and make the interior for storage of music. It sits in my living room next to the beautifully carved broken wooden chair, my own siege perilous. On top of it, it has artwork that needs frames, my LED light up birch tree, and my broken rapier that needs a grip (I actually really want it made out of wood, I bought myself a beautiful block of bubinga that called to me for it... But everybody I know with access to a lathe doesn't have the skills to make it the way I want it and everyone with the woodworking skills and perfectionism for me to trust with it lacks a lathe. It could be whittled by hand to fit my grip specifically, if you could get the interior done right by hand -- but I don't know anyone who whittles anyway.I suppose it could be done in two halves and pieced together, but I'm not sure how the seams would look/ feel/hold unless it were done really well.... But I tried to leather wrap it and it didn't look right so I was unhappy. I know what i want and I want that damn grip done in bubinga wood and eventually, some day, I'm going to get the sword fixed the way i want it damnit!) Anyway, so I have a broken chair, a broken sword, and a broken vintage record player/bureau on wheels -- and no idea when any of them will be fixed.
I don't know how I started in on the broken things I need to fix eventually, but apparently this whole post is about broken things that I want fixed.
So I was moving the tapestry into the living room. (it was my grandparents before it found its way to me and its one of the three things my grandparents had when I was a small child that I coveted for myself. It's huge -- like 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide, gilded wooden frame. It's a copy of a 16th century troubadours and a servant girl in like a wine cellar or something.) As I was lifting it all by myself to hang it on the nail, I ended up accidentally knocking my statue of Justice off the piano to the ground.
Eight years ago I had bought my statue of Justice from Egyptian International Art at their random booth at Summerfest that I always stop at every year to buy one of my favorite perfumes (yeah Summerfest, the music festival.) I bought it July 4, 2012 and posted about it the next day on July 5. It was actually in my memories the day that I broke the statue from when I had bought it. (My only other facebook memories that day were about the Delta Rae show last summer in Stephens Point on July 5 -- with all the storms to dance in and the rainbow and the very nice trees. Seriously, apparently I don't post much on facebook on July 5th over all these years.... Weirdly, the first time I saw Delta Rae live after discovering them was that same span of time at Summerfest in 2012 when they were there just a day or two after I'd bought the statue. I actually randomly walked past on that path seeking a place of quiet by the water to recenter myself before returning to the overwhelming crowd/noise of Summerfest to meet up with some friends WHILE that recording of Hey Hey Hey was being filmed and it was right at the start and so I unobtrusively as possible stopped to listen for the entire song before running off. I doubt that any of them saw me stop on the other side of the path behind the camera to listen for as long as the song lasted, at least I don't remember realizing they'd seen me, and I don't think anybody but me remembers or noticed I was there for this filming... but still it did happen. I was there, and I did stay for the song before disappearing. That was after I'd seen Bottom of the River on VH1 at like 2am and thought it was a cool song/video but a one trick pony but that day on the path hearing Hey hey hey for the first time I couldn't remember the band or why they looked familiar -- it wasn't til I saw the video for Morning Comes later that fall after Irishfest season that I realized that was the random Summerfest band I'd been trying to find/figure out who it was. Morning Comes was the song that made me remember their name and think I needed to give the full album a listen, and then it was the line in Surrounded "Fell in love with a a girl who's found love before in the hands and the hearts of the people she wore. She's all that I see but there's things in between, the fractures and fissures of all of the pictures we leave" that made me stop in my tracks and decide to give the band my full undivided attention because maybe for once I wasn't the only one who remembered.... And then I saw them again at High Noon Saloon in like 2013 and then when they played Summerfest on July 4, 2014 on the Johnson Control Stage, the time when Eric played Better Off Alone which was super emo and never made any album or stayed in the band's repertoire. And then of course the Stephens Point show outdoors in the rain/storms was a July 5 show. All of those were in my memories around the 5th.... Apparently I have seen them many pivotal points in their career between July 4-7.... I actually saw Delta Rae live the first time before I ever saw We Banjo 3 for the first time. You knew that, right? I caught WB3 the first time in August at Irishfest of 2012, but Delta Rae I saw in person the first time in July of 2012. They have always had precedence. Eric always had a jumpstart of a chance over David, it was Eric's to fuck up and lose. Anyway, because of Facebook memories, they've been on my mind a lot lately over this last week or so. Because I can decide to let him go until the time is right for our lives to come back together after the proper lessons are learned and I can sever known points of contact and I can even mute/muffle the bond or have the fairfolk put it to sleep -- but I can't remove it or the echoes from inside his heart/soul that always reach me. In every life. And ain't no other bond, with no other soul does that but the one to his soul. Actually, looking up that video from 2012 is the first I've watched/listened to anything from Delta Rae since March. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all - probably because it's from a time before there was any hurt mixed in. It made me happy nostalgic wistful, like looking through old photos with people who are dead or just grown apart so far they're not in your life any longer... but it didn't hurt.)
Anyway. I can't really explain all that. It's just those shows have all been in my memories of my past posts on Facebook lately. So on my mind. As well as my purchase of Justice being in my memories from precisely 8 years before the day I broke her....
Both her arms broke off when she got knocked off the piano, both the left one holding the scales aloft AND the right arm holding the sword AND the scales themselves are broken just below where they go through her hand....
Yep. The Libra Sun with a Capricorn Moon broke both arms off Justice the morning after July 4th during a full moon in Capricorn. (And if you've looked into the astrology of the USA, none of what's happening should surprise you...) It is absolutely one of the worst omens and portents I have personally ever been a part of in this life..... And when it happened, it made me remember back in 2019, the night I got back home to sleep in my own bed after the Kalamazoo show that was the day they announced the Kickstarter, when I was laying there trying to sleep and couldn't sleep because I was being flooded by all the unexpected precogs of what was going to happen after Eric made his choice in August. (though at the time I couldn't understand what I as seeing, just feel the truth in the precogs/overlays, because I was so fucking happy to have them back instead of the country selling out bullshit and to feel the power and the magic and the love and that all of it still IS. So having my precogs tell me it was all temporary and going to shatter even worse before September started was fucking with me and I chose to ignore it... so I just kept telling Crissy that something was going to happen in August to break it all and that the joy of that summer was a temporary return and to bask in it for as long as it could last before things got worse again -- and those precogs that I couldn't make sense out of just feel the waves of emotions from my future self were the impetus for me buying the tickets to the 3 November shows (the Ark, Chicago, and Minneapolis) immediately they went on sale in July so I could be CERTAIN that my future self would go, if only as a farewell, as I'd already bought the tickets....because last July I couldn't even consider losing them again and felt complete certainty that we both deserved for me to be at those November shows at the barest minimum.) and I also had precogs of what 2020 was bringing including the image of Broken Justice on my piano and how everything would get worse after she was broken before it got better....
Anyway, breaking Justice like that gave me the worst chills I've had playing Cassandra this life in many many years.... I knew it would happen at the midpoint of this year, but still WHEN it happened it crackled through me like a lightning strike and hurt terribly and filled me again with all those precogs and all the pain and the memory of what is going to happen but hasn't happened yet.....
I bent the metal rod in her left arm back to straight and have put it in the socket once more. But I'm all out of artist/jeweler epoxy and until I buy some more I can't properly reattach that broken left arm, put the scales back in her hand one more or reattach her right arm holding the sword of Justice. My sister (who is a Virgo with a Pisces moon, but an atheist denies her own strong gifts except in relation to me in moments of life or death and fear) told me I should leave Justice broken until the US Justice system is repaired. She's right.... I know if i try to fix it sooner, before the time is right, she'll just break again... Justice IS fixable though. Of that I am sure (even with all the precogs of how much worse things will get before they get better.)
Until Justice can be fixed, she's back on the right side of the piano, broken armed and empty handed with her scales and sword lying at her feet....
And I don't know how anyone can look at that without FEELING the chill of portents and fate coming off it... Especially as it was a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon who broke Justice during the Capricorn full moon eclipse....
I'm still a bit overwhelmed and shocky and not yet ready to be around people after having to relive all those precogs that had flooded through me last July and then I compartmentalized put in memory storage so I could enjoy the time I had before the maelstrom of the year of perfect vision arrived.
I won't go into details, even with people close to me I haven't shared the details I've seen, only the warnings and preparations they'd need for the battles I've known were coming to shift everything (because if it didn't shift and the young souls without karmic guilt weren't given full knowledge as the veils were torn away over these last eight years, then humanity as a vehicle of incarnation was to be ended for the sake of the planet.... I took a gamble telling the old souls that the young souls in their first 3 levels of incarnations didn't deserve to be punished for the failures of the middle aged souls to learn and to clean up their fuckups and face them to build a better future. I created this stepping stone path across fate lines and universes to give mankind a way out -- IF the young souls chose to reject every evil that was being brought into the light for them to face before living it out karmically.... I stand by that choice of mine and why it was the only fair way to do it, to give this one last chance to mankind to dismantle and destroy everything that is a result of the Roman model of conquest/colonoialism/greed/enslavement/plutocracy/control that created this modern mess so we can choose a better paradigm. I have been working toward this for nearly 2,200 years, since Rome conquered Greece and dragged me away in chains and the last time I prophesied in Delphi after seeing everything that the Roman model would create and how the Roman expansionist model coupled with Evangelical holier than thou Christianity othering everyone not in the controlling clique was going to stunt the growth for thousands of years and fuck over the evolution of mankind... I have known how fucking hard it would be to find a way back to the light and recover from showing the evil results of that choice I played no part in and I have spent so many lifetimes fighting to get us to this point where literally all of humanity is staked on fighting injustice and facing oneself.... but I did know that there was a path across and that in the fullness of time I would find. It was just going to be many many many lifetimes..... But because 13 years ago I decided that punishing the youngest of incarnating souls was unfair since they were not guilty of this fuckup and in arguing it wasn't just to punish the innocent so I created/found a stepping stone path across the fatelines for humanity, it means I also must play Cassandra and bear inside me the precogs of all of it and the guilt and the burden of all of it as it unfolds and those who are true lightworker warriors along with the youngest souls strive to keep mankind to the stepping stone path outside of this mess. Since I'm the one who made this call to change the rules 13 years ago since otherwise mankind would be destroyed..... And it's so heavy.... It's the weight that made me decide I don't have the strength to put up with Britt's headgames control issue bullying bullshit or bear any further hurts from Eric while carrying all of this and if Eric was going to choose a path of evil and injustice and ostracism and bullying and he was going to choose not to give a damn about his choices/actions and the hurt they cause, then I was going to cut him and everything tied to him and reminding me of him out of my life for this life until the crisis is past. And that I'd choose for myself a haven of love and healing and genuine caring about me and my pain as the only way to help me heal and carry all these weights on my soul through this time of crossing the stepping stone path to a new paradigm (or mankind destroying itself entirely in the process.))
[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Joan of Arc. It's originally by Leonard Cohen, but I know it first and best from the Allison Crowe cover of the song...
"Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
As she came riding through the dark
No moon to keep her Armour bright
No man to get her through this dark and smoky night
She said, "I'm tired of the war
I want the kind of work I had before
A wedding dress or something white
To wear upon my swollen appetite"
Well, I'm glad to hear you talk this way
I've watched you riding every day
And there's something in me that yearns to win
Such a cold, such a lonesome heroine
And who are you?" she sternly spoke
To the one beneath the smoke
"Why, I'm fire, " he replied
"And I love your solitude, I love your pride"
"Well then fire, make your body cold
I'm going to give you mine to hold"
And saying this she climbed inside
To be his one, to be his only bride
And then deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And high above all these wedding guests
He hung the ashes of her lovely wedding dress
It was deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And then she clearly understood
If if he was fire, oh she must be wood
I saw her wince, I saw her cry
I saw the glory in her eye
Myself I long for love and light
But must it come so cruel, must it be so bright?"
I listen to the Allison Crowe cover on repeat whenever I'm feeling tired and alone and not wanting to carry the weight of it all. So a lot since Saturday....]
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
Run and tell all of the angels, This could take all night. Think I need a devil to help me. Get things right. Start me up a new revolution, 'Cause this one is a lie, We sat around laughing, And watch the last one die. I'm looking to the sky to save me, Looking for a sign of life, Looking for something help me burn out bright. I'm looking for a complication. Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying. Make my way back home, When I learn to fly.
O, with the Behind the Door, me knowing it exists and having seen the emails but not being willing to spend my money on it.... it's naught to do with the content -- it's a fuck ton of really great content promised. And it's naught to do with the price point, it's a ridiculously low, but reasonable expectation of what people can budget right now, price point compared to most artist's patreons... $10/month or $8.33/month if you buy the whole year is literally a Starbucks run to give up per month. I mean, it's neither of those....It was never anything like that.... It's exactly what I told you and warned you before was the problem, what needs to have the poisons drained out and healed that were created by the choice of blocking me on the band Instagram account for having been honest that the country music would stop me attending future Delta Rae shows and nothing being done by anyone in/involved with the band about being told straight out why any content exclusively on the band instagram is bullying unjust as a result of that 2018 choice that was made. The damage that choice and the resulting choices/inactions created must be cleansed before I can let the band or anything to do with them back in......
It's nothing else. That's the only thing. That's all of it. And not a damn thing else. that's where the trust got broken, that's where the hurt is, that's where the break is, that's what makes me expect to be smacked where before I'd only expected good things. That's it. That's all of it. That's what's broken and blocking everything else. That's what needs to be fixed and healed and made whole and the poisons from it removed or nothing good will grow..... Not a damn thing else. You can do everything else right, but without facing and dealing with where/how things broke, none of it will matter and none of it will make a damn thing better....
And no matter what the fuck else you do or try to do.... The choices remain: face the fuckup and acknowledge it and start it healing the easier way OR leave it for me to purge out the poisons as best I can on my own and scar over the long harder way. Those are the two options. The only two options for how this can move forward. I can't choose for you to do the first, your choices are your own as they always have been and always will be -- but I can tell you that if you don't decide to do the first, then you default to waiting on however the fuck long the second way takes.
It's not that I WANT it this way, it's not that I WANT to cut out all the reminders and not let anything new in.... It's just that it hurts and it hurts deep, all those broken shattered pieces of trust and the flinching away of expectation of hurt where I looked to find a source of joy.... It just hurts too much with all the broken pieces mixed in poisoning all of everything.... to try to let even the littlest bit of anything in without facing and healing this....
It's just not something that can be pretended and ignored away, it needs purging and healing..... And if I have to do that all on my own the hard way, I can't do it without getting distance from further hurting... And the only way I can find to do that on my own is to accept that even things intended to be good will cut me and hurt with the edges of the broken trust poisoning it mixed in with it.....
Which is why not allowing in the good while it's laced with poisons for me is what I'm choosing. Hoping that somehow that will get me to a point without breeding new hurts making things worse, so there can be some healing.... Because I'd really fucking like to have it healed. I want that more than anything else. I just can't do that by myself from here til the poisons are purged out... And I don't know how to do that in any other way if you ask me to face it and try to clean up the consequences of that fuckup of their past choices/actions by myself from only me facing it on my side.... damnit now my eyes are burning...
You're wrong if you think this is a damn thing I want or ever wanted or a choice I'd ever have made if not backed into a corner with no other options.... It's just the only way I can see for me having to do it alone by myself with nobody else's help to clean out the poisons of shattered trust following Britt's fuckup in 2018 and the fallout of nobody in the band ever facing that or dealing with it. I don't know what else to do except to start by stopping anything that makes it worse and continues to create more poisons.... Otherwise it's like trying to clean up an oil spill without patching/capping the damn leak, you're just making more of a mess by not dealing with the source of the poisons killing every good thing.....
So it's not about the content or the price or the branding or any damn thing like that. It's never going to be about that. It's about Britt's choices in 2018 in the name of the entire band and the choices of Eric (and the rest of the band) not to address it or fix it in 2019 when told straight out about it and how those sets of choices inverted everything good and turned it to poison. there can be nothing good or healing til that's faced and addressed and fixed and the poisons get purged....... What the fuck good does it do to try to get more birds to breed in the wetlands or plant some new trees if the broken pipe is still spilling oil all over to kill them along with everything else?
and I don't see what Eric or anyone else could expect of me if they won't fucking face it and clean up their own damn fuckups from the past, if I'm expected to have to do all the damage control and cleanup of it by myself before any healing can start.....
Have I not made that clear and been making that clear since fucking October of 2018?! Seriously, it's even in Eric's dms on his personal insta account from me in Spring of 2019 when I warned him that he only had two ways of losing me --1) continuing to try to force the country music selling out bullshit and 2) not cleaning up the mess the girls' made in the name of the entire band by getting defensive about the choice to try to be country. And that the second would do the more lasting damage if not dealt with. I warned him of that straight out the very first time I tried to tell him about me having been blocked on the band account for being honest that the country music was what had made me decide not to go to their Nov 2018 Madison show even though I was less than a block away that night and was going to stop me going to further shows.. back in April/May of 2019 when he finally broke through the block in the bond I'd had since Oct and I realized that saying I was done over the behavior of the girls wasn't fair to Eric or any of the guys if they didn't know about what was occurring in the entire band's name.... When I first got the precogs of this path and where those choices would lead if he did know and chose not to do anything about it.....It's in his dms from my insta account, infinitefacets, if he goes back to it... I tried to tell him and warn him before we got to August and him deciding to go live on the band's instagram account while ignoring me telling him (and the rest of the band) publicly and privately in every possible means of communication why that was wrong and unjust and bullying via ostracism.... I tried to tell him, I tried to warn him. He just ignored me refused yo listen to me. And so this is where that got us.....
I tried to stop this before it happened.... I did literally everything I could except make the choices of other people's free will for them. because that's a line I'll never cross. Good or bad choices, free will is sacrosanct and whether you rise or fall by your choices ultimately you must be allowed to make those choices to carve out your own karmic path....
Literally the ONLY thing you could do to make this easier and better and quicker and start it healing is to decide to turn and face and take ownership of the past fuckups and making right the wrongs of the past.... There's quite literally nothing else that can bring me even one step closer back to you or help to clean out the poisons of the broken trust in what the band claimed to stand for and broken trust in Eric giving a damn about knowingly causing hurt and doing something ethically wrong. And if you can't do that, then you leave it to me to clean the long hard way from being trapped in the middle of the poisons....
Also. I miss the polar bear in my dream space... I miss the comfort of curling up into him and feeling safe and loved and protected and right where I belong. And I know why I can't have my polar bear back in my dream space right now... But damnit I do miss him terribly..... Every fucking time I try to sleep that isn't a "passed out in exhaustion despite myself" type sleep.....
[Post Title: lyrics to the Foo Fighters song Learn To Fly]
It's nothing else. That's the only thing. That's all of it. And not a damn thing else. that's where the trust got broken, that's where the hurt is, that's where the break is, that's what makes me expect to be smacked where before I'd only expected good things. That's it. That's all of it. That's what's broken and blocking everything else. That's what needs to be fixed and healed and made whole and the poisons from it removed or nothing good will grow..... Not a damn thing else. You can do everything else right, but without facing and dealing with where/how things broke, none of it will matter and none of it will make a damn thing better....
And no matter what the fuck else you do or try to do.... The choices remain: face the fuckup and acknowledge it and start it healing the easier way OR leave it for me to purge out the poisons as best I can on my own and scar over the long harder way. Those are the two options. The only two options for how this can move forward. I can't choose for you to do the first, your choices are your own as they always have been and always will be -- but I can tell you that if you don't decide to do the first, then you default to waiting on however the fuck long the second way takes.
It's not that I WANT it this way, it's not that I WANT to cut out all the reminders and not let anything new in.... It's just that it hurts and it hurts deep, all those broken shattered pieces of trust and the flinching away of expectation of hurt where I looked to find a source of joy.... It just hurts too much with all the broken pieces mixed in poisoning all of everything.... to try to let even the littlest bit of anything in without facing and healing this....
It's just not something that can be pretended and ignored away, it needs purging and healing..... And if I have to do that all on my own the hard way, I can't do it without getting distance from further hurting... And the only way I can find to do that on my own is to accept that even things intended to be good will cut me and hurt with the edges of the broken trust poisoning it mixed in with it.....
Which is why not allowing in the good while it's laced with poisons for me is what I'm choosing. Hoping that somehow that will get me to a point without breeding new hurts making things worse, so there can be some healing.... Because I'd really fucking like to have it healed. I want that more than anything else. I just can't do that by myself from here til the poisons are purged out... And I don't know how to do that in any other way if you ask me to face it and try to clean up the consequences of that fuckup of their past choices/actions by myself from only me facing it on my side.... damnit now my eyes are burning...
You're wrong if you think this is a damn thing I want or ever wanted or a choice I'd ever have made if not backed into a corner with no other options.... It's just the only way I can see for me having to do it alone by myself with nobody else's help to clean out the poisons of shattered trust following Britt's fuckup in 2018 and the fallout of nobody in the band ever facing that or dealing with it. I don't know what else to do except to start by stopping anything that makes it worse and continues to create more poisons.... Otherwise it's like trying to clean up an oil spill without patching/capping the damn leak, you're just making more of a mess by not dealing with the source of the poisons killing every good thing.....
So it's not about the content or the price or the branding or any damn thing like that. It's never going to be about that. It's about Britt's choices in 2018 in the name of the entire band and the choices of Eric (and the rest of the band) not to address it or fix it in 2019 when told straight out about it and how those sets of choices inverted everything good and turned it to poison. there can be nothing good or healing til that's faced and addressed and fixed and the poisons get purged....... What the fuck good does it do to try to get more birds to breed in the wetlands or plant some new trees if the broken pipe is still spilling oil all over to kill them along with everything else?
and I don't see what Eric or anyone else could expect of me if they won't fucking face it and clean up their own damn fuckups from the past, if I'm expected to have to do all the damage control and cleanup of it by myself before any healing can start.....
Have I not made that clear and been making that clear since fucking October of 2018?! Seriously, it's even in Eric's dms on his personal insta account from me in Spring of 2019 when I warned him that he only had two ways of losing me --1) continuing to try to force the country music selling out bullshit and 2) not cleaning up the mess the girls' made in the name of the entire band by getting defensive about the choice to try to be country. And that the second would do the more lasting damage if not dealt with. I warned him of that straight out the very first time I tried to tell him about me having been blocked on the band account for being honest that the country music was what had made me decide not to go to their Nov 2018 Madison show even though I was less than a block away that night and was going to stop me going to further shows.. back in April/May of 2019 when he finally broke through the block in the bond I'd had since Oct and I realized that saying I was done over the behavior of the girls wasn't fair to Eric or any of the guys if they didn't know about what was occurring in the entire band's name.... When I first got the precogs of this path and where those choices would lead if he did know and chose not to do anything about it.....It's in his dms from my insta account, infinitefacets, if he goes back to it... I tried to tell him and warn him before we got to August and him deciding to go live on the band's instagram account while ignoring me telling him (and the rest of the band) publicly and privately in every possible means of communication why that was wrong and unjust and bullying via ostracism.... I tried to tell him, I tried to warn him. He just ignored me refused yo listen to me. And so this is where that got us.....
I tried to stop this before it happened.... I did literally everything I could except make the choices of other people's free will for them. because that's a line I'll never cross. Good or bad choices, free will is sacrosanct and whether you rise or fall by your choices ultimately you must be allowed to make those choices to carve out your own karmic path....
Literally the ONLY thing you could do to make this easier and better and quicker and start it healing is to decide to turn and face and take ownership of the past fuckups and making right the wrongs of the past.... There's quite literally nothing else that can bring me even one step closer back to you or help to clean out the poisons of the broken trust in what the band claimed to stand for and broken trust in Eric giving a damn about knowingly causing hurt and doing something ethically wrong. And if you can't do that, then you leave it to me to clean the long hard way from being trapped in the middle of the poisons....
Also. I miss the polar bear in my dream space... I miss the comfort of curling up into him and feeling safe and loved and protected and right where I belong. And I know why I can't have my polar bear back in my dream space right now... But damnit I do miss him terribly..... Every fucking time I try to sleep that isn't a "passed out in exhaustion despite myself" type sleep.....
[Post Title: lyrics to the Foo Fighters song Learn To Fly]
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