That said,  all the clips from the kickstarter instalives I was not allowed to be part of shared yesterday/today on rideordiehards account being used in the "what are you grateful for" is DEFINITELY setting my hackles up and pushing me back towards upset about the way that was posted everywhere, nobody answering me about having been blocked so hosting it there was VERY problematic bullying exclusionary of fans,  and all my feelings about Eric knowing I was blocked on the band's instagram account and him choosing to go live there being knowingly complicit in the bullying stating specifically that he'd be the one hosting the live on the band's account.

Just the ones this morning are raising the sleeping hurt from that and setting in motion all the poisons that that set of choices/actions released in me,  eroding and destroying everything it touches inside me.....

And that's just how truly fragile is any peace I find or desire of mine to heal without seeing through the harder work of addressing the sources of the poisons.... And there's nothing I can do to heal or fix that fragility. It's an effect of the bullying that occurred - and even without new instances of it,  being reminded of the past ones will start them poisoning things all over so long as this isn't addressed and dealt with properly.....

I'm gonna go make a cuppa tea and read and wonder why I put myself through this,  why I keep letting myself open up again to being hurt this same way by them.....