1) I can't hang on to my anger at all if there's nothing reigniting it. Never been able to. Same with my hurt. I'm just not good at carrying negative emotions, not unless new ones are being created.   My ability to stay upset over the past fades if there's nothing present opening it anew.  And with nothing from the band or any of the members re-opening it right now, I find myself inclined to want a better not so reactiomary way forward. And I find myself wanting to hear what the new music sounds like, if nothing else. Wanting to forgive. Wanting to try to heal the mess and try again.

I know this is likely only a temporary reprieve, an armistice not a peace, while there's nothing needling me reminding me making things worse. And I know that nothing has been altered or fixed and this peaceful quiet won't hold and if nothing has changed by the time that happens then it'll go back to constantly agitating me making things worse.  But without that constant agitation, without the constant relational bullying, this is what lies beneath it.

When you stop muddying the waters and you let it all settle to be clear, what I want is a way forward where there isn't constantly a reminder of pain AND where I don't have to give up the music I have loved so terribly much.

I don't know if that way forward exists or can be manifested into existence. But it's what I want.

2) It's very hard on me, knowing how upset Eric is by his realization of how bad this is and how deeply he fucked up. It comes in waves from him. And it's strong. Not as strong as his love light is right now, but sometimes strong enough to drown out almost all else. Sometimes strong enough to make me feel like I can't breathe because I'm drowning in his sadness and anger at himself for letting this happen and reach this point. I genuinely don't think he realized or believed me til he saw it for himself on my face and in my eyes last week....  My instinct whenever I see him sad or upset is to want to make it better, to want to hug him not let go til I feel the tension release in him or to kiss him til he's smiling instead of frowning.

This is directly at odds with my head saying that me leaving the situation is the best I can do by everyone with the options I have open to me. Especially when he's so very clear that me leaving is how I could hurt him worst of all -- given how badly me not even able to look at him hurt him, I can only imagine what it would do to him for me to go and make even the bond unreachable for him.

The conflict between my logic and my instinct makes it very hard for me to know what I ought to do in this situation.  When I don't know if I ought to trust my head or my instincts, when I don't know what is best by me and best by him.

I wonder if he even knows.

3) I think from what I've been observing in recent months, Dave finally broke up with Diana.  This removes my internal "don't even think of him as an option,  he's with someone else" barrier.  Which doesn't mean I expect anything in the short term -- he's got a lot to work out around how manipulative she was and what a number that did on him. But it does mean that sooner rather than later the question of should that bond be active or not becomes more than academic. It becomes about more than just "is this giving me more pleasure or more pain?" It becomes about how I can't knowingly say yes to Dave without having the bond dormant so I can give him a chance with my heart not conflicted pulled elsewhere. To do so would be unfair to him (or anyone.) Which means I need to have this all sorted out within myself so I can decide what to say when I get to that point. And it's not an immediate concern, he's headed to Japan on tour for a bit and I won't be seeing him again til January.

But it is something now that can potentially affect someone else, someone other than just me and Eric. And it's something I need to have sorted and ready to put the bond to sleep if that's what I decide is best for everyone before I get to the point where I'd have to answer Dave on this.

4) I'm getting close to the inner place where I'm ready to give the recording of Take Me There a fair listen. I loaded it into my library tonight while loading in some other music.

5) I'm trying to figure out if I'm getting too winter skinny (I always lose weight in the wintertime, and no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I fatten up across the summer) again or just so pale and sad and distant that my parents are worrying about me. Tonight my da stayed late working (it's crazy at the store due to end of Windows 7 approaching at the end of the year. I grew up in a family business, a computer sales and repair shop older than me. -- but it started off as a typewriter sales and repair shop in my grandparents' basement. I just sort of fell into working here without having anything else that I wanted to do with my life and this allows for my wandering and my introversion and in recent years my migraine difficulties. And I have plenty of things to do and I set my own hours and I'm allowed to bring my dog in (they even watch her when I drop her off and leave) and I have over 100 plants inside and the garden bed outside that I get paid to take care of. I ended up working here by inertia and lack of focused "this is what I want" on my part.)  Anyway, my papa was working late and when i showed up around 5:30, within moments of me coming in the door he asked what i was planning to do for dinner and insisted he was hungry and he was buying. When I didn't know, he hesitantly suggested Thai food "from wherever you order it." My da doesn't like Thai food, doesn't like any curries from anywhere. He'll eat and enjoy chicken satay, but there's other things he likes better.  I love Thai food. This was him trying to get me excited and to get me to eat something he knows I love. I mean, it worked. At least enough for me to get surface level happy and thank him and put on a smile playing with the dogs while he was here. But he didn't want thai food, probably hadn't actually been hungry yet at the time he insisted. It was him saying he needed to eat wondering if I had to make sure I ate and then him suggesting something he knows I love to try to get a smile and a spark of enthusiasm from me.