Last night,  the Packers lost by a lot were lucky to get any points on the board, Eric went live (on his instagram account) and I wanted to watch but couldn't because I was still at my parents house watching dvred figure skating, it wasn't left up for 24 hours - missing it just meant not seeijg it at all, my da came on and wouldn't shut up talking over the skating, AND then my dog nearly died when my dad dropped a massive shoulder blade bone from the rotisserie chicken he decided to eat and she wouldn't drop it just tried to swallow it whole til ai ran to the kitchen to pry her mouth open and massage her throat force her to cough the damn thing up.....  Truth is it waa a big enough bone if she didn't choke on it and die, as a cooked chicken bone it would likely have punctured her intestines and that would have meant emergency surgery at the vet and at 12.5 years old,  surgery would have been risky.

And then I got home said,  "fuck it.   I'm gonna go to bed to end this frustrating  disappointment of a night" at like 1am. Only i was soul tired not body tired,  so I couldn't sleep - waa rolling around so much both the dog and cat left the bed to go find somewhere else to sleep. And then at about 3am, sat bolt upright knowing Eric had gone back online so grabbed my phone saw that he'd just posted a story of a new (or at least new to me)  song.

It was a beautiful  song,  but sad. During his live,  I'd felt on the bond him go from happy shiny love to a low point of bitterness and disappointment. I'm not certain why,  I couldn't watch it right then at my parents house watching figure skating (or if I did I'd have had to watch it with him muted)  so I don't know why I felt those emotions from him.....  I often don't know why,  only know is.....  But the song no need was beautiful and sad and he was even deeper in his sadness during it.  It made me cry and made me want to just wrap my arms around him and hug him in a bear hug refuse to let go and just lean into him and say,  "you're right.  There's no need for all this mess of hurting.  Let's move forward some other way love,  not more of this mess." but I was here and he was there nearly 1,000 miles away and so nothing I could do but rewatch it and feel my desire to just hold him and agree and ask him what he'd like us to choose instead moving forward.....

I didn't sleep til like 4 after all...didn't sleep well at all.... But i still have that same feeling and intense need to just hold him and agree that we find a way through without all this unnecessary hurting.  And I still just want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and hug him as tightly as possible not let him go and just burrow into his chest stay right there til everything feels like it's right and we'll make the future good and right not more of the mess of hurting..... This morning at urgent need to just hold him and feel his realness in my arms is even stronger than it was...more than anything else,  what I desire most and most urgently need is to wrap my arms around him hold Eric in a big tight loving bear hug and refuse to let him go til we both feel only hope and joy and gratitude and the seeds of a better way forward unfurling inside us.