My car is now all taken care of!  Front brakes and rotors replaced as well as the long overdue oil change and tire rotation.  I do at some point (before it gets crazy hot) need to do ac recharge, but I prioritized the brakes for obvious reasons.  But the important "if I don't do this it could be actively harmful for me driving long distance on highway" things are deal with now!

Also my lip is significantly healed - now it just looks like I split it or it got so chapped it bled/scabbed (actually my lips are not the least bit chapped and they're super soft right now from the constant application of beeswax lip balm!)  I heal fast -- especially when I sleep to heal and I slept for like 20 hours straight on Thursday, lol.  Whenever I'm healing an injury or a sickness, I turn into Sleeping Beauty. It's like my body doesn't trust my judgement to give it enough repair time so it just shuts down everything extraneous to accelerated healing.

No makeup, no filters no edits other than to flip the last couple horizontal so you could read that my black with silver Wisconsin shirt says "Super cheesy!"-- which just cracks me up every time. I do have my contacts in today and those do make my eyes bluer, even an intense aquamarine-turquoise, than the natural sage green-grey with only a hint of blue because all contacts are lightly tinted blue to help you find them if you drop them. So contacts will make anyone's eyes slightly more blue than they naturally are. Always.

Also.  Crissy continues to receive push notifications about Eric every time I'm texting her.  😂 I have not gone to check out his tweets or added him back on my twitter (I also haven't checked in on my twitter since she told me) and I've not decided I want to add him back there.... at least not while he's tweeting about going live where I can't watch it but refuses to even acknowledge when that unfairness is brought up to him. I don't feel the need to add any sort of negativity or bitterness into that dynamic and I'd rather not see anything from him than see things which raise my hackles against him. I want things to heal and grow better - and if nothing is done to fix the old wrong that was done, that can't happen by rubbing salt in those old wounds to reopen them. So I'd just rather not see him at all anywhere on social media than have that continue to be done (by him or anyone else in the band) and not be faced and dealt with what was done in the name of the band back in 2018 in order to heal it....  The refusal to acknowledge it or a heal it is a massive blot on his character and all of theirs and there ain't no fixing that without choosing to face it.

But it is funny that Crissy keeps getting notifications from him!

Her update after reentering her info to reconnect her twitter to the app and confirm it's her and checking out the tweets:

And then this afternoon while texting about the mid-May Michigan trip.

Currently at my parents' house drinking a Chateau St. Michelle Chardonnay after Thai food for dinner and we're catching up on DVRed figure skating. And then tomorrow, early morning Farmer's Market with Crissy before picking up Mikaela and heading to Milwaukee zoo where we'll meet up with Alana and Maddie eventually.  After discovering they have snow leopards (Mikaela's favorite animal) I suggested we should go at some point and her birthday is next Thursday (even though as a Jehovah's Witness she doesn't celebrate birthdays) and Alana and Maddie both have off this Saturday.  Then after the zoo, I promised Mikaela we could do Culver's for dinner/lunch as long as she remembers her Lactaid. (I mentioned cheese curds while looking at North & South menu for lunch because I was astonished it was $5 extra to add it as a side and then I made the munchkin crave cheese curds so I promised them tomorrow.)  And then I feel like once I'm home I should have a fire for Beltane even if it is in my hearth and I can't actually jump over it... Still, a fire for Beltane would be appropriate.  

And then Sunday I plan to do some gardening at work then get hours in and water the plants until some point in the wee hours.  Monday I have to pick up my contacts from my optometrist. And then Tuesday and Friday my grandma has appointments for me to take her to (and we'll do girl's night Thai food again with my aunt on Friday -- we all very much enjoyed that and decided we should do it for every appointment grandma has on Fridays!) And my cousin will be working the auto show in Milwaukee from the 6-9 so may hop over to MKE just to get to see her  during that. And then heading to Detroit (technically Madison Heights) May 13-17.  And then my parents will be out west (visiting my sister's family in Seattle and then at their cabin in Whitefish MT from May 21-31 so I'll have both dogs and be living in two homes at once (I can't bring Sophie to my flat with the condo association pet rules nor bring my cat to my parents' house) and working in there as well. So May is a bit stupidly busy, especially by the standards of the last year or so -- although the second half is busy in a very hermit way, lol.  So if you want to see me, you'd best be planning to come to me is what I'm saying because I honestly don't have any times in May for me to come to you.....

P.S. Songs haunting me recently:

~MAGIC!, Rude

~The Calling, Wherever You Will Go

~Lifehouse, Hanging By A Moment

Rude has been pretty chronic, at least once a day hearing it, for about 4 weeks now and I often wander around singing it after hearing it just once.But I actively really love the song so it's alright by me.  That said, I have no idea why those last two have been on the radio so constantly recently... Let's just go back to high school and 2001 when I listened to Camino Palmero and No Name Face constantly on repeat ad nauseum. (I actually still really love both those albums and go back to them often.  I sometimes dabble in the r&b and bubblegum pop realm with occasional forays into specific bluegrass artists -- but my heart is pretty solidly rooted in the rock genres of music..)

So I spent a very VERY long time on the phone tonight talking out some things with my bff about mutual friends situations.  Like 4 hours.  But specifically I wanted to share that similar to the constant nudges from the Universe directly to give Eric a chance (like that random arse playlist my Youtube generated) it's not just me who's been nudged about it.  I actually mentioned to her about the playlist and she laughed said, "I mean, that sounds like a very tailored to you and your tastes playlist." And like me, since the time when the polar bear broke through the sealed door, she has also had Delta Rae all over her facebook feed despite not having any notifications or show at top of feed set, and almost always right before or after my own posts.  And then for the last week or so, her Twitter which she hasn't logged into for months (so long that she had to re-register it and confirm it) BUT her Twitter app suddenly started sending her push notifications about tweets from Eric's personal Twitter account and ONLY his Twitter account. For no reason. And almost always right before/after I texted her. I don't even know what the tweets about given I unfollowed him there after the last time he refused to respond to my tweet about it being unfair of him to go live on an account from which I and others had been blocked for being honest (the band insta where he CHOOSES to go live every week) but he decided to respond to other people's comments -- just ignored and gaslit mine.  Which made me angry and say, "Fuck it, fuck him. I don't need this bullshit." and unfollow his personal accounts on all socials. So I have no idea what he's been tweeting or doing in recent months ever since that... she wanted to let me know as it's so incredibly random the Universe nudging at her "don't forget this, come back to this and give another chance -- don't let her be stubborn to throw the baby out with the bathwater" this way for 2 weeks AND always in conjunction with my texts to her. 

Just keeping me honest. Also I didn't know about the random tweets from him pushing notifications from the app to her phone and only his  not anyone else she follows. This was news to me tonight -- she didn't want to get up for Farmer's market last Saturday so I went by myself.

It's curious. I mean, if I sit in my fears, there's a voice insists his actions/inactions show how little he cares about me or hurting me or doing the right thing. And also in my fears there's a voice that whispers to me that since he doesn't lack for options, he's trawling through his local dating apps and insta models to fill the hole in him with finding some random hot chick -- and if he's feeling that way then I'm not what he's seeking. But in my state of calm and waiting, my inner self says to trust and wait because he DOES know what he wants and he's not going to chicken out this time or allow anything to get in his way....

*shrugs* On verra. Time will tell me which of these is truth and which the lie to myself.... For now I'm happy enough just to wait and see. And not listen to the voices of my fears.

Also, this morning at brekkie, I definitely accidentally popped/scraped off the outer layer of the blister thinking it was a bit of egg on my face (literally) and now it hurts like fuck and is slightly discolored like it's trying to get infected... *sigh* so stupid of me....  On the bright side though, except while actively eating and drinking, the mask covers the spot I burnt my lip and blistered it so nobody can see it and know! (Libra sun Pisces rising, I'm ALWAYS looking for the silver lining optimist good thing to come out of the situation.).

Also. The brakes started squeaking slightly a week or so ago so I asked them to check the brakes for me just in case. The back ones have over 80% on the brake pads but the front ones are under 20% and the rotors VERY rusted.  So I need to replace them, preferably before my drive to Detroit to visit to see the polar bear cubs and Erin in mid May, because I don't want to grind down the calipers.  The estimate is $480 for the front brakes and rotors and labor and such.... Which I said I'd just take it back today and know I need to do it and take care of it. I shopped around and actually brake replacements have gotten wicked expensive and everyone else was more.... So tomorrow I'll call back and say I do want to do it and when will they schedule. It's just $500 I hadn't budgeted on spending right now after having to buy more contacts AND at some point soon I'll have to get the dog's puppy cut and take the animals to their annual vet appointments which is pricey AND end of May is the next installment for the property taxes on my condo. Yuck. Too much budget going out the door for have tos, not fun tos. (I just made up the word fun tos. I think want tos would be more typical phrase, lol.)  So I'll probably be on the frugal side keeping the house at hame for a bit -- likely much of late Spring and early Summer..... I should probably figure out a larger income stream tbh.  Maybe I should buy a Mega Millions ticket before Friday try for that $300 million. Because why not? You never know... But anyway. I do know that I oughtn't fuck around and find out with the brake pads so low and I'll call to schedule before my long drive. Probably later today or tomorrow. I just didn't WANT to spend that into the Scion right now. O well. It must be done and don't put it off speaketh my ever practical Capricorn moon.

 

O yes!!! And!!! Yesterday (Tuesday) this wand (which we believe is a budding trembling aspen branch, but took some digging to find that out) found its way to me specifically in a very strange intentional but random way at a gas station when I went to refill the tank.  I love it and it feels right in my hand and channels more power than any other branch or wand I've ever encountered!!  Aspen is also known as The Goddess Tree, is associated with victory, conquering fears, resurrection. And it's associated with opals (the October birthstone) specifically black opals and Persephone for some reason. 

It's also rather creepy af with how much those shiny furled up leaf buds look like claws/talons/beaks. But it's mine and I adore it!!!!

Not sure why I need an aspen wand AND my obsidian dagger -- but here we are. And everyone who's seen it or Mikaela got to hold it has gone, "Wow. This is a gift from the Universe specifically for you."

So this morning, while making breakfast, I had some potato slices that crisped up faster than the rest or the potatoes so I decided to munch on them while cooking up other veggies.  Fine normal, yeah.  Okay,  but I was stupidly impatient hungry and didn't want to wait for them to cool on the damn plate. So then one of them,  I thought I'd blown on enough to cool but I hadn't and it dripped hot olive oil on my lower lip....  And like,  it's super painful (not as painful as 2 hours ago when I did it,  but still hurts) and it visibly blistered. And,  I've never given myself a burn blister on my lip before... Never. Bad sunburn blister on my lips when I've gotten severe lobster sunburns yes - but then every inch of my skin that I lobster blister burned is screaming pain and even Egyptian cotton sheets touching me is torture....so the lip blister sunburns were the least of my pain and not memorable compared to the rawness of that bad a sunburn. .  I've never in my life gotten a heat burn blister on my lips until now...  

And it was fucking stupid and it hurts like hell and looks ridiculous (my entire lower lip is swollen and extra intensely pink from it but there's an area that is visibly a blister) and like what the eff am I supposed to even do for wound care of a lip blister?! You can't exactly puncture it with a sterilized needle then bandage it so you can keep dancing on it like you do with a foot blister.... How do I keep a blister on my fucking lip from popping or if/when it does burst not getting it infected?! I guess all I can think to do is drink lots of alcohol as an antiseptic and obsessively apply protective beeswax lip balms?! 

Ufgh!  Gods I feel stupid (and look stupid too) - fucking boiling oil blister on my fucking lower lip....  I'm way too old to be doing something THAT stupid.... Lord.... 

It's a good thing I'm single and have nobody I plan to kiss the next several days while waiting on this blister to heal...how long does a blister on the lower lip even take to heal anyway?!  Even just sipping from a cup is not currently an enjoyable experience. #PleaseDontKissItToMakeItBetter #PoppedBlisterOozeKissesDoesNotSoundSexyToMe #BitingMyLowerLipIsAnEvenWorseIdeaRightNow #HowToNotMindBeingSingle101 #DripBoilingOliveOilOnYourLip #LetTheBlistersDoTheRest 

I mean.  That said...  If you don't mind some burst blister ooze in the kiss, then the right guy could probably convince me to kiss him despite the blister pain.  If blister kisses with him were better than missing out on his kisses.  But I feel like there's a very limited number of men I'd feel that way about and the chances of that sort of opportunity occurring prior to this blister healing are low.  I won't say impossible, but low enough chances to be improbable....

I rate this whole experience since doing it 1/10 - would not do again....  (except the crisping up potato slices in hot olive oil and herbes de provence.  That part was delicious and will absolutely do again and again and again.  Just maybe I'll go back to my classic way of breakfast potatoes,  without the trying to eat one before it cools so burning my lower lip til it blisters part....)

Also though...  As long as I don't touch it, that part of my lip with the blister on it feels weirdly like post-cavity novacaine numbness recovering feeling lip....  Made my phone calls weird to order my contacts and to schedule my overdue oil change/tire rotation before I head to Michigan (May 13-17; it's when my immuno-compromised friend Erin will be at most robust immune response 2 weeks after her 2nd vax dose - but also I wanna see the polar cubs at Detroit Zoo while they're still bitty babies!!! I mean,  I miss Erin and her sister Debbie and their dog Abby and their cat Princess Mia - but I'd be lying if I said the polar bear cubs weren't part of my desire to go asap. Hopefully MI cases will be more under control by then,  mais on verra.)  Anyway, while on the phone I kept expecting to have speaking difficulties à la post fillings tingly numbness - but it's just a blister swollen without the muscle numbness so speaking wasn't an issue at all, it's just the most comparable sensation to the damn blister I stupidly gave myself this morning. Only painful, really fucking painful....

I don't have much to write about here lately.  It's not personal, I just feel quiet inside right now. Quiet and that the right things are on the right course unfolding in their own time.  The quiet before the frogs start singing all night and the flowers come bursting forth in all the garden beds, not just the earliest bulbs. The quiet of things growing beneath the surfaces out of sight.

I don't really have anything on my mind.right now. Or on my emotions. There's just sort of this calm with the process and waiting on the unfolding.  That right now, there's nothing for me to do at this time but the waiting. But that the waiting will be worth whatever is born of it, whatever comes after it.

I dunno if that makes sense and I'm not quite certain the WHY of it, it's just my internal state right now. Like my future self sending waves of reassurance back to my current self.  Not a precog, not even a full presentiment. Just a quiet reassurance.  That when the next page turns, I'll understand and it's going to be amazing.  It doesn't really make much sense, but it's the best I can describe this inner quiet right now.

 But it means that unless you want to hear me talk about how beautiful the moon was tonight or how snuggly sweet my dog was today curling up on my feet to make sure I can't wander off while she sleeps without her knowing or about what I'm currently reading or my excitement to get new seeds/flowers in the dirt and watching all my old friends break soil coming back up to greet the sun again, I really don't have much right now.  Not in a bad way, just in a quiet waiting "alright then, let's see what you've got coming" sort of way.

Maybe that's stupid -- after all how does anything change without someone actively making a change? And how does me being quiet waiting bring about any sort of change? It's very lotus-y. It doesn't make sense and I know it doesn't. But still that's how my inner state is right now. Quiet and waiting and trusting in whatever is unfolding right now that I can't see beneath the surface out of my sight -- because it's something beautiful and wonderful that will make me happy once I see it. I just don't see it yet.

P.S. This is my tag on my Yogi Sweet tangerine Positive Energy tea right now, that I didn't choose form the box or open until after writing this:

P.P.S. Last sleep, Monday morning after sunrise when I went back to sleep after the sunrise instead of getting up to make breakfast, I had a dream snippet of furniture being moved in to my bedroom. A dresser. And clothes that weren't mine. And I was incredibly shiny happy about it. And it wasn't now, it was when the leaves in the tree outside my windows are in full summer leafing but not in flower or in autumn colors, so like midsummer or July-ish -- because I remember in the dream looking directly at/out the window saying that this meant I needed to finally hang blinds again after taking them down for the window/balcony door replacement a few years ago.  

No context other than the dresser and the clothes that weren't mine and that laughing glance at the window statement.  But given that I'm single and not actively dating or even browsing dating apps and without concerts I'm very much a hermit, I have no idea who would be moving into my bedroom in 3 months time.  My dream self felt it was completely right -- but my waking self doesn't understand it at all.....

So this morning while making breakfast (crimini mushrooms and green beans sauteed in olive oil and herbes de provence then finished with balsamic vinegar and over-easy fried eggs on top - this is a variation on one of my go to brekkies.  I don't use green beans that often,  I certainly never buy them, but I tend to inherit beans from the CSA box or friends/family meal boxes.  These green beans came from my parents' midweek meal box kit and they needed to get used up sooner than the rainbow chard I just bought yesterday at Farmer's Market.)  Anyway,  I had a momentary self-induced anxiety panic that I might eat too many mushrooms in my diet and maybe that's a problem.  After all,  in the summer I buy/eat 2lbs of cremini mushrooms every week at Farmer's Market and sometimes buy some large portabella caps and when fresh Farmer's Market mushrooms aren't available, I spend all winter craving mushrooms and 9/10 times I'll make my choices at restaurants based on if the meal has mushrooms in it.  

So what I learned is that there are 3 items of concern in eating mushrooms to excess, all of which are among the reasons they're so healthy - the B vitamins,  the vitamin D in mushrooms raised with UVB exposure, and the phosphorous. You can also apparently get too much fiber in the diet which can cause bloating discomfort,  but that takes like 90 cups of mushrooms per day.  however,  the B vitamins and vitamin D are water soluble so you'll pee out whatever you don't need and it would take over 24 cups of mushrooms per day to have mushrooms be of concern for those vitamins. The phosphorus content CAN be of concern to bone density if you chronically consume too much phosphorus, but more recent studies have found that as long as you increase calcium in your diet to maintain a healthy calcium to phosphorous ratio, you're fine.  It's the ratio that can cause issues of reducing bone density as the body needs to use calcium to metabolize phosphorous compounds, and not the quantity.  And curiously,  when I'm consuming a lot of mushrooms and beans I always crave more dairy in my diet.  Farmer's Market I'm always buying squeaky fresh cheese curds every week - but I do get intense cravings to drink organic whole milk by the pint glass whenever I'm eating lots of mushrooms and beans. (I don't put cream or milk in my coffee unless I want to cool it to drink sooner or the coffee is too bright/acidic a roast without it.)  

Anyway,  I'd never thought about it that way before to realize it was likely the phosphorous making me crave calcium,  but it makes sense.  It's not a big deal to me, I've never in my life dieted and I mostly eat based on a combination of what's seasonal and what my body tells me it craves. I'm very much an intuitive eater and listen to what my body tells me it needs/craves to determine meals according to that intuitive listening. And by whatever needs to get used up before it spoils,  lol.  

The only thing that currently makes me hesitant or order/eat off of dietary restrictive menus is my pork allergy.  And that's because never having been bulimic, I hate that I throw up so easily and when my body rejects all food and herbal tea and water for days,  it's fucking miserable. 

Another weird craving with me: if I'm having coffee regularly I don't desire chocolate and when I have lots of chocolate I cut back on my coffee intake.  The two are desired in a balance and if I over-consume either one,  I don't want the other and I don't like it if I have it....  I'd guess it's maybe about the caffeine except that my black tea consumption doesn't affect my coffee/chocolate balance nor do consuming coffee/chocolate affect my desire for black tea.  Now there are 36 isomers of caffeine and different isomers can affect people differently and tea has very different isomers of caffeine while coffee and chocolate are surprisingly similar.  It could also be about the theobromine,  not the caffeine... 

But anyway, what I learned in my internet researching while waiting on veggies to sautee and while eating was that as long as you increase your calcium intake and stay under 10 cups of cremini/portabella/button/shitake mushrooms per day, you don't need to worry about over-consuming or causing dietary imbalances from too many mushrooms.  

(caveat emptor: I don't know from what I was reading today about dried or powdered mushroom in umami seasoning or protein powders though - you could conceivably quite easily have too much mushroom in powder form that you can't in the fibrous form of actual mushrooms.  But I don't use protein powders at all and I only cook with umami seasoning in the winter when I don't have fresh crimini mushrooms every week.)

So anyway, that's what living with me is like - random curiosity/concern followed by hyperfixation research until I'm satisfied at the randomest times,  lol. 

Also.  It's been too overcast to see any stars,  let alone shooting stars, the last couple nights and probably tonight as well. So no other shooting star wishes for me on this year's Lyrids.  Just cloudy though not raining, which is bad because Lord knows we desperately need it. Fire warnings all April and after a relative snow drought (for Wisconsin)  the water table is so low that the ponds are 3ft lower than the boardwalks and the marshes surrounding lakes/ponds are dried cracked dirt with no new grasses/cattails coming up,  and the creek beds and runoff streams are just dry stones...  Birds and wildlife are having a real hard time this Spring so far.  A group of 4 male wild turkeys surprised me and my dog Audrey and my parents dog Sophie on a walk in the woods on Thursday.  They just wanted water,  weren't aggressive or mantle at us and the dogs stayed calm for me. But with the Spring turkey hunting season, they're being extra cautious about leaving the woods right now except at dawn and dusk....which makes the dried out creek beds extra hard on them. 

 Since sunrise this morning,  I've had Tomorrow Is a Long Time stuck in my head.  It's beautiful - written by Bob Dylan but I know it best from the Nickel Creek/Sara Watkins cover which has slightly shifted lyrics .  (if you ever wondered,  Nickel Creek who do NOT generally sing with any discernible twang are how bluegrass got grafted into my musical loves despite my intense negative reaction due to my synesthesia regarding country vocalists. Their songwriting,  harmonies, and intricate melodies were my gateway into bluegrass instrumentation back in junior or senior year of high school.  Which I know can confuse people a lot,  that I love bluegrass instrumentation and have a handful of beloved bluegrass singers who don't use country style twang in their vocals. I do recognize,  however,  that there are far more bluegrass artists I find unlistenable than those I can appreciate....)

Anyway,  can't shake this song today... Been hearing the Nickel Creek version in my head all morning. Thankfully,  I do love it (as long as I don't have to hear Bob Dylan sing it,  lol.  To my synesthesia, his voice colors are like a bad acid trip of awful 64-bit 90s style music visualization in limey-puce and blaze orange and orchid-aubergines and yellowy-grays all swirled together at random with his vocal....peregrinations.... I adore him as a songwriter and when other people cover his songs they are exquisite - but I cannot listen to him as a performer.)

 "If today was not an endless highway

If tonight was not a crooked trail

If tomorrow wasn't such a long time

Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting

If I could hear his heart softly pounding

Yes, and only if he was lying by me

Would I lie in my bed once again

I can't see my reflection in the waters

I can't speak the sounds that show no pain

I can't hear the echo of my footsteps

Or remember the sound of my own name

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting

If I could hear his heart softly pounding

Yes, and only if he was lying by me

Would I lie in my bed once again

There's beauty in that silver singing river

There's beauty in that sunrise in the sky

But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty

That I remember in my true love's eyes

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting

If I could hear his heart softly pounding

Yes, and only if he was lying by me

Would I lie in my bed once again."

As a side note, I actually have not lain in my bed since waking up around midnightish Tues night/Weds morning.  The witching hours of today I stayed up to watch the shooting stars until sunrise and spent all my wishes on wishing things hadn't got so fucked up and my yearning that Eric were HERE with me and the dog to watch the stars and that the path to healing getting this right this time were made clear....  I should have used some of my wishes for the Hail Mary needed for our poor beleaguered planet or for this time of testing humanity's soul.  But I was cold and lonesome and all I really wanted right then was to share those quiet moments and the stars with him.  So I didn't wish any grand world-changing ought to wishes - I used up all my falling star wishes on the one big selfish wish of my soul. It was probably a waste of wishes,  but it's the only wishes my heart knew how to make this last witching hour.  So for hours and hours of star gazing til I stopped counting how many streaks of stars I'd wished the same wish upon.  And then it was as the skies pinked for dawn that the last verse popped into my head out of nowhere and has been stuck there quite stubbornly ever since. 

 I've found myself randomly singing all morning (even while on the walk with the dog: "There's beauty in that silver singing river. There's beauty in that sunrise in the sky. But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty, That I remember in my true love's eyes."

O I'm so annoyed at Blogger and I've been annoyed at it all day since like 3am!!! It ate my entire post and I didn't think to copy it into a note on my phone before clicking post because it's been ages since it's done that and then it did and it was just blank and I literally just threw my phone away I was so over it... (at the other end of the couch to land in a hoodie on some throw pillows that I'd put there after coming in from taking the dog out. So I mean, I made sure the phone had a soft place to land, wasn't gonna crack the screen or anything, but i did throw it at the other end of the couch in complete disgust and frustration at it, lol....)  And it's not like when I set a post back to draft where I can still read it, it still exists just nobody can see it unless they have access to the blog as an author. No, this is just gone. Disappeared. Fucking blank post...

So frustrating...  Between that and the changes to Blogger coming up end of the month (I don't remember all of them, but Google is axing their subscribe by email service to blogs so like, if you want to still get updates to people about new posts in blogs you need to import everyone into your gmail contacts and set it up as a list serv manually... i didn't look that deep into it to figure out actually doing it beyond the basic instructions as I don't follow anyone's blogs and I mostly use this as a journaling stream of consciousness thing to help me see the form of my emotions so I can't imagine why anybody would want to be email notified about that as it's a very niche narrow bandwidth of interest.... But anyway, they are doing that at some point soon and notified blog authors.) 

I'm too annoyed at Blogger for deciding to eat that post to even try to rewrite it all, tbh. The first part wasn't too important -- it was mostly all about how temporally out of sync I get as a precog waiting for the penny to drop in the mind of the person who has to make the choice that determines WHICH fateline we land on while I'm constantly flipping back and forth between future fatelines as they go back and forth trying to decide.... The last couple weeks have been all over the place for me as a result and I've been REALLY out of sync with current time until yesterday morning when things solidified around every juror having made up their mind. It's also really hard to sleep when fatelines are that fluid and unknown... I actually ended up FINALLY sleeping yesterday all afternoon/evening once I got the precog flash once the last juror made up their mind -- so i actually missed the official announcement entirely as I was FINALLY sleeping deep enough to dream for the first time in weeks, lol. Didn't see  the official announcement on it until like midnight or 1am when I finally woke up rested and decided to eat some "dinner" or whatever you call a midnight meal breaking your 16 hours since you last ate because you were sleeping for like 12 of those hours should be called, lol. As I've said, I process things out of sync with everyone else -- even if it's only a little out of sync still my joy or pain tends to hit me before anyone else has surety/clarity and by the time everyone else gets the wave, I'm already on to processing fallout repercussions of what will/is/has happened....

But that was merely personal and unimportant. Unless you were trying to reach me without being physically present in my life -- I can be a bit hard to reach even if you have a strong bond to me when the penny's in the air on fatelines/choices yet to be made... Even I have a hard time reaching me at such times when the two paths hanging on any single choice are so very different.. 

The second part WAS important though. It's REALLY REALLY REALLY important. And I need people to be aware of it and ready for the eventuality so we can truncate it as quickly as possible....

So. As I mentioned in a previous post about 4-3-21 and my precogs/discussions with my da about what was coming, I still believe that the very BEST outcome of this tragedy and the subsequent trial is that qualified immunity gets struck down as a defense of extrajudicial murders and is no longer considered a valid defense.  It was an absolutely TERRIBLE Supreme Court decision and precedent with incredibly far reaching consequences they didn't foresee in 1967 that is foundational to how/why the racial violence in the US continues to be committed by the police force...  You cannot hand ANYONE power over others (especially not life and death power) and then tell them there will be no system of accountability for how they use or abuse that power -- because it will be abused if there's no real accountability.  This NEEDS to happen to get accountability back into policing and the justice system. I'm so incredibly happy that New Mexico recently joined Colorado in explicitly removing qualified immunity as a defense and that Connecticut and New York have limited its applicability and there's currently a state legislature house bill moving forward in Illinois to limit/reform use of qualified immunity. (I got a text from ACLU Illinois asking if I supported the bill in the Illinois legislature and had a good chat with the volunteers there about qualified immunity and the current battles about it around the nation but nobody quite knew why I was on their illinois list given I don't live in Illinois and never have, lol. But I told them I was glad to know that was being put forward -- especially because Chicago. I mean. Because Chicago. So it was a hella weird text from a random umber for me to get, but also I was glad to get all that info/insight)  This is the precedent I WANT to come out of the Chauvin trial, the removal of the qualified immunity defense for flagrant and obvious murder by police officers.  Accountability for extrajudicial murder needs to be upheld. Period.

But see. Here's what I'm afraid is going to happen due to how this case was prosecuted and presented. Instead of bringing back to the center the sanctity of lives, especially BIPOC lives, and requiring police officers to respect them as humans and to have accountability brought back into the system for when they don't, this trial didn't focus on how wrong it was THAT a man was murdered, it focused on the brutality of HOW the man was murdered. You can't tell me that if Chauvin had taken the time to think more clearly and pulled his gun to shoot him there would even have been a trial, let alone the guilty verdict. The guilty verdict isn't because a man was killed, it's about HOW the man was killed and the intentionality and brutality of that method. So I'm terribly afraid that rather than a reaffirmation on the sanctity of the victim's life, what we have is a police training and legal precedent that what matters is HOW you take the life as opposed to the rightness of taking that life.  So kneeling on a man's windpipe to suffocate him, that'll send you to jail but pulling a gun and shooting someone will get you on paid administrative leave while it's investigated and then once your case is no longer in the media you'll be back on the force again. I'm very scared that the precedent will be made that there are "not okay" ways to kill suspects and "okay" ways to kill suspects. And honestly, I don't want suspects killed without trial by guns or drones or remote controlled machines or any damn "quick" or "painless" execution without proper representation and trial. 

Yes the WAY George Floyd was murdered was horrific -- but by focusing on the WAY it was done as the legal reasoning of this trial, we have completely sidestepped the ethics issues that extrajudicial murder is the true wrong committed.... And I'm very afraid that as far as the court systems and the police training go, the outcome will be a precedent that the WAY an extrajudicial execution is committed is what decides if the cop goes to jail or not rather than the fact it was an extrajudicial murder.... The sanctity of life is what needed to be upheld and I'm very much afraid that this will become a precedent that it's the way the life is taken as opposed to the respect and right to a fair trial that life was due.... And not enough people are talking about making sure this verdict sets the CORRECT precedent rather than starting a debate over "what's an excessive use of force intention to kill" as opposed to pulling a gun and shooting someone...

This is my biggest concern about the trial and the verdict and the way everyone is celebrating it. It's not the cynical "let's wait the 8 weeks to see what the actual judge sentences before celebrating" concern, valid as that is. It's about worry that this will set the wrong precedent and actually lead to MORE officers murdering by shooting innocent black people because that gets a slap on the wrist whereas a physical use of force to try to subdue them might send you to jail. Better to shoot them dead than to end up in jail will be the rationale I fear will take over their woefully short training programs.... And that would be even worse than if the verdict had come back innocent if we make this about the MANNER of murder as opposed to the FACT of the murder... That's the precedent we need to make sure doesn't come from this verdict. It's important.

And that's important to me people think about it. And losing the way I'd written that out to get clear in my own words what I'm so concerned about with the future potentials from this verdict and which fatelines we want to NOT choose from it is why I got so angry at the post just disappearing after I clicked on the post button. Because this realization and distinction actually mattered. Not just to me, but as a general warning and concern about this moment and the continuing move forward and HOW accountability is demanded and WHAT we want to be held accountable. 

P.S. Tonight is a night to make wishes. well, by tonight I mean in the wee hours between midnight and dawn they'll be brightest/easiest to see. It's the peak of the Lyrid meteor showers. Not the greatest number of fireballs, Lyrids only have 10-15 an hour, but some of the most brilliantly colorful in the northern hemisphere...  So if you have clear skies tonight, look to the constellation of the Lyre (should be toward the northeast) and watch for falling stars to make wishes on. There will be some either side of the peak (there should be some visible til Sunday-ish I think)  as with all meteor storms, but tonight you'll have the most opportunities to wish upon shooting stars. At least until the next major meteor shower, lol.

Whenever I get a new calendar, the very first thing I do is write in EVERY single meteor shower for the year and the phases of the moon if I bought an art calendar without moon phases.  (I like physical calendars I can write on, digital calendars I swipe right on the notifications and forget/miss shit, lol) I also circle important holidays/birthdays. And the next thing I put in is the Packers football schedule as soon as it's available. A girl has priorities. But first the shooting stars -- because whenever I can see the stars in all my lives I feel like I've come home no matter when or where I am. Honestly, just sitting out under the stars watching them with me and feeling that I'm right exactly where I belong is one of my favorite things in the world.  You don't have to buy me things, just sit under the stars with me and know that right there in that moment is right where you belong and that everything is right and you're home... That's one of the best things you can ever give me is to just relax with me under the stars and share that feeling with me.

 O. Nothing specific really prompted that last post. There was just a lot on socials about the ACMs and it made me realize that EVEN IF I'm able to find something I like that won't make me sick at a southern style restaurant (something like cajun style catfish and cornbread, both of which I love) I still don't have any good memories associated with being at one and it's because of the music played in most southern style places and the nerve pain from the music.  That's what made me think of it and go on that sidetrack rant -- nothing more concrete or specific than that. It wasn't anything anyone I know said or did, just that realization on my part about why I don't have anything but pain-filled memories associated with southern style cuisine even when there's food that I can eat and do like.

There are country songs that I like when non-country vocalists cover them. I just can't stand any song sung with country style vocals. Not even when a country singer covers songs that I otherwise love like Fleetwood Mac or Joni Mitchell songs...Because it's not about the song, it's about the vocals. I actually never even saw A Star Is Born -- every time I tried I couldn't get past his vocals and the pain they caused me due to my synesthesia. I actively change the station whenever the male vocals start on the song Shallow so I've actually never heard it all the way through because of the instant pain I get from his voice. It's not about the style of the songwriting, it's about the voice that's singing it that makes country music impossible for me to listen to without pain. And I have had to leave restaurants and stores and malls and even left movie theatres over them playing even one country song. I'll mute or stop watching shows/films over a country vocalist playing during a scene. It's not a small thing and it's as involuntary as burning your hand/arm if you touch it against the inside of the oven while baking -- the only way not to get burned is not to touch something that's hot. The only way for me not to be pained by country style vocals is to not be asked to listen to it.

And. I know it might seem weird for me to say that I don't want anything to do with anyone who's involved in the country music part of the industry or to have anything in my life related to it... It might sound like an over reaction. But I've tried it before with ex-boyfriends, including exes based in Nashville and it's just not viable if they're in the country music scene or have friends in it... Because here's the thing. If I tell someone, "The music you listen to causes me physical pain, please don't listen to that around me" is a VERY different thing than saying, "Whenever you sing, the style of your vocals makes you offkey and pitchy at the end sometimes the middle portion of notes which causes me physical pain like you tased me or put lemon juice in an open cut or smacked me with a whip." The first is a request that you not listen to something when I'm around, the second seems like a cruel personal insult on somebody's voice. It's beyond dislike of a style, it's physical pain from the vocal choices of that style. There's no nice way to tell someone, "Your voice causes me physical pain" any more than there's a nice way to refrain from involuntary flinching every time they go pitchy as they twang a note. It's why I refuse to sit or stand where I'm visible to the stage for a singer who has country style vocals or who is performing a song in a country style -- it's not fair to them to make them see how much pain their vocal style choices cause me.  How then can you ask me to be friends or even polite to your friends when their music causes me physical pain? Should I lie to them about the effect their voice has on me and why I won't attend their concerts or listen to their songs? Or should I tell them the cruel truth and intentionally insult them and bruise their ego?  What is the choice I should make here if you would have me call them my friend and have them touch my life? There's no nice way for me to tell them their voice causes me pain and if I attend their shows or ever have to hear them sing, it will cause me enough pain that I flinch at every note that twangs off a true note. And that's not fair to them or to me.  It's better that we not try to be friends, that our lives not cross than to cause them pain in the honesty that their voice causes me physical pain. It's not fair to anyone to try to be friends with someone who you must either insult or who will cause you physical pain just to be in their presence when they sing....

They may be really fine people, I'm not making a judgement call on that.  But if their vocal style choices cause me physical pain, either I tell them that and it hurts their ego stands between us or I say nothing and I try to suffer in silence but I visibly flinch every time they go pitchy twanging off the true note. Either way, it's going to cause them to over-think and question and second-guess their voice or make them hate me even if they're nice to my face. 

No. There's no way for you to be involved in the country music scene and expect me to have anything to do with that aspect of your life or anyone who's in the country music scene. It's not fair to me or to your friends/colleagues to ask me to be friends with people with voices that cause me physical pain.  That's why I said I don't want to have anything to do with anyone who has country music scene as a part of their life, or at least I don't want that part of their life touching my life in any way.  There's no way to try to have both without it being cruel to them or me.

It's not over-reacting and it's not condemnation for those for whom the vocals don't cause physical pain as they do for me, it just doesn't work without causing hurt to someone involved....it just breeds cruelty and pain to ask it of me... So I don't want to knowingly do that, to me or anyone else. It just wouldn't be fair.

I'm not speaking from a place of judgement or anger when I say you shouldn't be in my life if you choose to have any part of the country music scene in your life -- I'm saying it from a place of compassion and not to be forced to be cruel or cause pain to myself or your friends/colleagues. As long as I have my hearing I'm going to have the cross-linked neurons in this body that cause my color-timbre synesthesia, and those twanging off-key vocals are going to cause me physical nerve pain every time they twang. That's just how it is for me in this body, in this lifetime. I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else about it or try to make some compromise work that is only going to hurt everyone involved because there's no changing the fact that the country style vocals will cause me pain every time I have to hear a note with a twang on it that slides sharp of the true note..... 

There are plenty of people you can have in your life and be involved with AND be a part of the country music scene -- I'm just not one of them.  It's better I be honest about that than pretend there's a way to work around the facts of my synesthesia that would make it so you can have me in a life that involves country music, country artists, or the country music scene. Any other music scene or aspect of the music industry isn't a problem for me as a rule. Just the country music scene. And it's solely about the ways that a twang on a vocal note slides flat then sharp and the pain that causes my color-timbre synesthesia and how that makes vocalists who do that a source of physical pain to me with every note they perform with a twang on it...

 Also. On top of the ethical issues I have surrounding the bigotry/anti-Semitism I've witnessed and experienced in the south, my loathing of "bless your heart" hypocritical Evangelicals, AND the issues surrounding me being able to eat without accidental pork poisoning causing me to vomit uncontrollably for days.... I also have the color-synesthesia issues surrounding country twang causing me physical and uncontrollable nerve pain.... Between the nerve pain chronic flinching from the music and the pork poisoning issues from my food allergy, I genuinely cannot think of even one good experience I have had at a southern style restaurant OR a country-western themed bar OR at a country vocalist's performance (be it in person or filmed)....  And this definitely is part of my active dislike of the cuisine as a whole as opposed to general cautiousness that some other "commonly has sneaky pork" cuisines approach.

I genuinely don't have a single pleasant memory associated with southern style food between these two sources of physical pain to me. Between constant involuntary nerve pain and  the potential of days of vomiting up even water, there's nothing about a country music playing southern style restaurant that is enjoyable for me at any level.

And you need to understand that it's not hyperbole when I tell you that due to my synesthesia, country twanging vocals cause me excruciating PHYSICAL pain. Genuine physical nerve pain that causes uncontrollable flinching and nerve twitches like being whipped or tased or electrocuted... 

I literally want NOTHING to do with country music or anyone involved in the country music scene (EVEN IF there are a handful of people within the industry finally starting to take a stand on lgbtq issues, their vocals still inflict physical pain on me and so I cannot support them as artists.)  I have no desire to even listen to the songs to find out if there's anything redeeming in the lyrics or the instrumentation because the vocals with the offkey slide in the twang causes me too much physical pain to even analyze what the lyrics are saying.  

And, genuinely, I want nothing to do with ANYONE who wishes to take part in the country music scene whatsoever. That has been true my entire life and is never going to change. I don't go in for being complicit in sado-masochist torture of me and anyone who insists that I accept it because they like it doesn't need to be in my life. Sure you can eat pork if you want -- but you can't kiss me after you do because it makes me physically ill. Sure you can listen to country music -- but not in my presence or in a scenario that requires I also listen to it because the act of playing it around me will cause me physical pain....

And so you can have country music and country artists and the entire country music scene in your life -- but if you do then I need you to know that you can't have me in your life or have me be involved in any part of your life that the country music scene touches. Full stop. 

I'm literally considering changing my dentist who I've been going to since I was a small child and my particular dentist I've had since I was 13 year's old over the decision of a new manager to play country music on the day of one of my visits and refusal to change to anything else after I brought the issue up with the front desk, instead telling me that they could turn it off in the back rooms during my actual appointment so I had to physically LEAVE the building and make them come out to my car to get me once they were actually ready for me. If I go again and they're playing country music and won't turn it off, I shall cancel my appointment on the spot and go find another dentist office.

It's that straightforward. It doesn't matter who you are or any past connections between us, you have no rights to knowingly cause me physical pain and I refuse to allow you to have a place in my life if you insist you should have a right to cause me physical pain or illness. Because by asking me to give you that permission, you are asking me to condone an abusive relationship where you knowingly cause me physical pain whenever you damn well please. And I won't be any part of that. This is not negotiable.

And also. There is no response other than "I'm sorry, I didn't know and I won't do it again" from somebody telling you that you did something that hurt them or caused them pain. ANYTHING else, any defensiveness or ostracism over your choices/likes/desires, that doesn't involve acknowledging the pain you caused someone else and promising not to knowingly continue doing it is bullying and abusive behavior patterns. It just is. It's no different than feeding your friend who has a food allergy something made with an ingredient you know they will react to or intentionally inviting an epileptic fried where you are using strobe lights without warning because you like them after a friend tells you they're epileptic so strobe lights cause them to have seizures. The person with a physical condition can't do anything about the way their neurology/endocrine system reacts to specific symptoms -- but you can decide not to do things they have told you cause them physical distress. Just because you can eat peanut butter doesn't mean that someone else telling you they're allergic so it will cause them anaphylaxis isn't their truth EVEN IF you've never seen it because they assiduously avoid peanuts. Your subjective experiences of life are not a measure you can use for someone else's objective physical responses to the same stimuli. It never has been and never will be. If you don't make the choice to respect someone telling you that specific actions of yours caused them physical distress, then you are engaging in acts of intentional cruelty with full knowledge you are doing it. And since you're the one who has a choice in the matter, then YOU are the cruel and abusive bully, no matter how you defensively try to justify your actions, if you react in anyway other than an apology and future warnings if you are told that something you choose to do causes someone else physical pain... 

This is a hard line in the sand red flag judgement on your character if you can't or won't respect someone else's physical pain beyond their control state of existence -- especially after they have told you about it. You're allowed to be ignorant -- until you've been told by the person your actions causes physical distress or pain. After that, it's intentional cruelty on your part if you persist in it. It's really not that hard to accept and respect when somebody tells you "when you do x, it causes me pain because of y" and anything other than acknowledgement and an attempt not to repeat causing someone pain is the entitlement and cruelty of a bully and an abuser.

 I also dislike biscuits and gravy (and not just because the sausage gravy is typically pork sausage so means it would make me sick.)  I like mashed potatoes with gravy and a biscuit to sop it all up - but biscuits gone soggy in a plate full of gravy with no main course for the gravy is disgusting.... 

And I loathe fried green tomatoes.  But I also dislike raw tomatoes always, the juice of them defiles everything it touches...   I only like tomatoes in salsas, sauces,  stewed, or if you cook them with citrus/vinegar which denatures the flavor I dislike such as on ceviche or bruschetta.  

I also think chicken and waffles is a disgusting combination and don't understand why some people like it.....  

But before you accuse me of hating too much on one cuisine.  I also loathe kombucha (smells like unwashed gym socks), kimchi (remember I dislike slaws and sauerkraut),  oysters (it's a texture thing eating them raw - but mussels are one of my favorite foods),  beets (they taste like the smell of dirt and I'm not a mole),  bleu cheese & gorgonzola (smells and tastes like bile), thousand island dressing and similar "burger sauces", sweet pickles, liver smells awful, pâté and foie gras are both gross.  O and I hate bloody mary drinks...tomato juice generally is icky. Though clamato is even ickier....   I'm sure there's others,  but I can't think of them now.... Cobb salad and wedge salad are of no interest to me,  lol. Most of what I dislike comes down to smell or texture issues, tbh.  

There's also a LOT of other cuisines and foods that can be problematic for me with sneaky pork.... Things like bacon wrapped shrimp and prosciutto wrapped dates will make me pout because I love shrimp and I adore dates,  but if they're clearly labeled I'm grateful to know tbh. When bacon in everything was super trendy,  it was actually really hard for me to eat out or order cocktails unless it was a safe style ethnic cuisine or a simple "Jameson and ginger" or "vodka and soda water" drink or a pint of Guinness.... Drinks so simple and classic you can't/won't fuck them up with an unlisted bacon garnish of some sort....

Italian food - I adore lasagna and spaghetti with meatballs and manicotti and meat bolognese HOWEVER Italian sausage is a blend of pork and beef so almost all meat sauces and meat pastas are no go without checking unless made by hand without pork.  And then there's sneaky ones like carbonera where it looks vegetarian, but the sauce can't be made without the prosciutto.... Usually when I eat at Italian restaurants, I stick to vegetarian pastas in sauces that are an herb form of 2 or more of butter/olive oil/balsamic/cream/shredded cheese.  Bonus points if it's marked vegetarian, lol. 

Mexican/southwest - I have long periods of my life I live on burritos, quesadillas, enchiladas, huevos rancheros, tacos.... This is one of my forever fav food groups but I do need to be cautious of a few things.  Tamales are traditionally made with lard (specifically a type of leaf lard from a very specific portion of the pig) even if they are meatless tamales.  This is one of the things that most frequently saddens and disappoints me but I always need to ask because I ADORE good tamales but can't eat any made with lard -- so I do make them at home.  Pinto beans are typically cooked with ham/bacon and refried beans are often larded so I can't eat them without checking - black beans are almost always fine so they're my default choice of beans.  (this is also true of canned beans - I can't eat canned pinto beans,  baked beans, refried beans, and some brands of kidney beans as they all were prepared with pork for flavor.  I buy dried beans to soak and boil as needed for price and BPA lining cans and not to have them taste like metal - but it also means I can be certain the beans are pork free.) 

Asian cuisines - appetizers tend to use pork (especially eggrolls/spring rolls, wontons, dumplings,  dim sum - all of which I love when veggie or chicken or shrimp) and I've only ever had vegetarian pho with the mushroom broth because meat broth is typically mixed pork and beef.  BUT, the respect for strict Buddhists within the culture means anything that you order vegetarian will not have sneaky pork in it.  And sushi/sashimi is always good as is hibachi table. (Sarku is my go to fast food from a food court because there's no pork ever on the grill so no chances of cross contamination. It's a safe choice for me,  always.  Also teriyaki is just fucking delicious. Always.) 

Sneaky American/European food places for pork:

Soups: a lot of soups are problematic.... all chowders are by definition cream based soups with bacon in them - which sucks because I love clam chowder and it's one of the things I miss the most.  Also some "meatless" vegetarian sounding soups are not such as potato leek soup is typically cooked with bacon and split pea is cooked with ham.  A lot of places also use bacon or bacon grease in their broccoli cheese soup,  cauliflower soup, and beer cheese soup.  Also,  pork broth is frequently used to cook fish at nice restaurants so I always need to ask before I order fish...  

Veggies commonly cooked with bacon for flavor but menu might not say: brussel sprouts, green beans, mustard greens,  cooked kale or chard.  As mentioned pinto beans and refried beans.  (this also makes chilis questionable even if they don't use ground pork in it unless it's a vegan chili or I make it or someone who knows to check the beans they use for pork/bacon/lard.)  German style potato salads are made with bacon drippings as are 7 layer salads and green bean casseroles.   Some bbq places even use bacon drippings in mac and cheese without listing it....  Cuban style rice is cooked with ham or bacon.  

Sweets: Anything that uses gelatin that doesn't specifically say it's bovine gelatin.  So jell-o.  Gummies and jelly beans made with gelatin.  (carauba wax and guar gum are fine - so Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids and jellybeans are good.  Also any Haribo gummies produced in Turkey only use bovine gelatin,  but any made in Germany or USA I can't eat.) No marshmallows or desserts made with marshmallows like rice krispie treats or marshmallow fluff because all marshmallows in America except vegan marshmallows use porcine gelatin now.  (vegan marshmallows are made from tapioca and actual marsh mallow plant -- they're actually really good and if you roast them over a fire they work really well for s'mores which is great because I love roasted marshmallows but they will not melt down for rice krispie style treats...)  Also traditional nougat uses gelatin,  but in the last 6 years or so Mars switched to a non-gelatin nougat so I can once again eat Milky Way and Snickers and 3 Musketeers bars.  (that took some digging to find out,  lol.)  Some pies,  cakes,  and cookie recipes that use lard - particularly British and German and some Irish recipes.

Not food related: gummy vitamins unless they're vegan. Pills with gel caps that aren't vegan gel caps.  Certain off brand adhesives in bandages which cause a rash/hives and use pork bones as part of the glue (band-aid brand is fine and 3M sensitive and waterproof are fine but not their regular ones.)  Certain drugs like statins and a lot of medical stents and porcine valves in heart surgery and vascular patches are made from cultured pig tissue.  Most American insurance won't cover human insulin (which is crazy expensive in the states) but other insulins are pork derived.  So I'm rather SOL if I get heart disease or diabetes while living in the USA. Also certain monoclonal treatments are developed in porcine clonal lines and certain enzyme treatments (like for pancreatitis) and certain IV treatments can cause anaphylaxis for people with meat related allergies.  Certain vaccines (including rabies vaccines and the nasal spray form of flu vaccine, all forms of flu vax pre-2019/20 flu season) use porcine gelatin as a stabilizing agaent and I should only get under supervised medical attention til we know how my multi-system allergy will react to injected pork proteins.... I had to do deep level research into the non-active ingredients to double check for pork in the creation/derivation of all of the covid vaccines...and even with that, given my multi system reaction, they chose to keep me under special lengthy observation since it's a multi-system issue and said it was good I was getting the J&J one shotthat never used porcine cell lines anywhere along the production line --  not a two shot because especially Moderna or AstraZeneca as those did use porcine lines along the creation of the coating proteins though not the final product. That was intentional on my part -- I'd have waited if Moderna and Astra Zeneca were my only vax option initially just in case. 

There's also a non-zero possibility that my long-time porcine allergy COULD turn into a full blown aplha-gal syndrome (especially if I get any tick bites from a Lonestar tick or chigger bites) and then I'd have to stop eating beef and maybe dairy as well as pork. (All mammalian proteins -- fish and poultry aren't affected by alpha gal allergy.)  There's varying levels of sensitivity and you can outgrow alpha gal sensitivity to bring dairy and/or beef/venison back into my diet. But given I have gelatin sensitivity to pork, I'd likely be in the most severe group.... (My pork protein allergy MAY be alpha gal related and there's now a test for typical alpha gal syndrome, but it's unlikely given I'm fine with other meats but so sensitive to all pork products even tiny minute amounts.)

I also have cross contamination issues...  Like deli meat slicers if they used it for slicing ham before turkey/roast beef/cheeses. So I've pretty much entirely stopped eating deli meats and sliced meat sandwiches at restaurants. Ground beef from a facility that also makes ground pork. Pizza places either touching meats then veggies or pepperoni/prosciutto grease splatters or pooling on oven surfaces.  Greasy spoon diners where they use the same griddle or utensils to flip bacon/sausage as my eggs/veggies - I've not been able to eat at Denny's or Perkins or Cracker Barrel for over 15 years now due to their kitchen cross contamination getting me so sick.... (Hu Hot is an exception for shared griddle/tools - if you use an allergy stick in your bowl,  they specifically set aside an area with fresh tools that they sanitize and clean for you and clearly mark off with visual cues.  Cross contamination of raw meats or tools before they cook it IS a thing so I skip the meat table entirely just do veggies and sauces and put the "add egg" stick in as well as the allergy stick.) Anything fried if they cook their bacon in the fryer OR if they have scotch eggs or fried pork belly or fried bacon wrapped jalapenos or anything like that on the menu.   Any pork products cooked in the fryer make all fried things on the menu off limits to me even if they're vegetarian/vegan items like fries or sweet potato fries or tater tots.... 

There are actually a LOT of sneaky ways pork gets into foods/meds/topical uses including things vegetarians eat thinking there's no meat in them....  Technically, iodized salt is filtered through pig's blood in the processing of it but I can't ever eat out anywhere or buy any packaged anything if I refuse to have any iodized salt.  At home I have kosher salt and various sea salts and Himalayan pink salt and I mostly cook fresh from scratch anyway.  But too much iodized salt can be enough to trigger the internal bleeding same as porcine gelatin does even though the quantities are too small to set off the vomiting for days issue. Also.... Making out with a guy after he's been eating pork can cause me to start dry heaving or throwing up bile.  Which definitely ruins the mood,  lol.  So if you plan to kiss me, you should probably definitely abstain from eating pork...I don't ask guys I date to stop having pork and bacon entirely just because I can't have it - but I do recommend not eating it on dates or right before seeing me or basically any time you think you might want to kiss me. Unless you find "your kisses make me throw up a little in my mouth" and/or bile flavored make out sessions to be oddly erotic. And then I have questions..... 

Anything home cooked that you know doesn't include pork/bacon/lard or gelatin (or sneaky pinto beans precooked with it) is always good and safe to feed me.  And anything packaged that is marked Kosher or halal is safe.  Certain types of restaurants are always safe for me to eat anything on the menu: vegan, kosher delis, Middle Eastern, Greek, African of any kind, Indian, Afghani, Tibetan/Nepali, sushi, hibachi table, curries.  And as long as I stick to vegetarian meals I'm also always safe at Thai, Chinese,  Korean, Vietnamese, Lao,  Cambodian, Philippine, pho, ramen. There's a reason so many of my comfort foods are from these specific "safe" cuisines. 

*shrugs* So it's not just southern foods that are incredibly problematic with my pork allergy (German/Polish is equally difficult as are many French dishes which use jambon/lardons for flavor even in simple veggie dishes, though French pastries/bread are perfectly fine) - at a lot of restaurants it's fairly common for me to have to ask and double check on things before I can place an order. Or if it's not too busy,  when they ask if anyone has questions I'll tell them I have a pork allergy and ask if they can check in the kitchen if there's anything I can't eat but doesn't list the sneaky pork in the description if I don't stick to vegetarian options.... So the pork allergy isn't just southern food.  But it's also that southern cuisine is not only a known minefield of sneaky pork/bacon/lard, but a lot of the vegetarian options I can eat are texturally things I dislike such as grits, collards, and okra...so genuinely I've never had a southern cuisine or soul food meal I've enjoyed or that hasn't made me sick.... There are some cajun and creole and bbq items I absolutely love (also love non-larded cornbread) but I need to be very cautious about what I order and VERY clear with waitstaff/kitchen about my pork allergy.... Also,  key lime pie is delicious!!!  I always love a good key lime pie - and that's from south of the deep south,  lol.

 So today at Farmer's Market,  one of my farmer friends tried to gift me collard greens along with some other veggies I bought and I had to politely decline as it's the one type of greens I genuinely cannot stand.  So he gifted me kale instead.  

I actually can't stand most southern cooking,  have always loathed it.  I adore southwestern style cooking,  cannot stand anything from the south except cornbread as long as it's made with butter and not lard (pork,  so it makes me vomit uncontrollably and/or bleed internally)  or Crisco (texture issue - I also can't stand pie crusts made with Crisco...) 

Let's go through all the reasons there is not a damn thing I like about southeastern American foods,  shall we? 

1) Pork allergy (technically food sensitivity as not a histamine reaction,  but people take the word allergy more seriously and mine's so severe I can even take gel cap pills made with porcine gelatin without vomiting them back up) - so anything made with pork,  bacon, lard, or porcine gelatin will set me to vomiting uncontrollably for days and bleeding internally if I digest even the small amount like cross contamination from slicing ham then slicing turkey/roast beef/cheese or if they don't change gloves at Subway after touching another customer's ham/bacon then digging their hands into the veggie toppings.  So that means no veggies cooked in lard and no Nashville hot chicken (which is traditionally made with lard to coat the chicken) and I can't do most gumbos because of the Andouille sausage.  In the southeast (hell even in Ohio) I stick to the vegetarian menus (though even then I have to double check that they didn't cook pinto beans or refried beans with ham/lard respectively, they didn't use pork broth or bacon to add flavor to soups, and the rice and veggies weren't dredged through bacon grease or cooked with it for flavor, and if they cook their bacon in the fryer since it's quicker in which case I can't even eat fries or sweet potato fries. And even then, I might miss something unless the waitstaff bring someone from the kitchen for me to talk to...) where possible I tend to only eat at vegan restaurants or ethnic restaurants that don't use pork (Middle Eastern, African, and Indian) or they culturally respect religious taboos due to Buddhism so vegetarian meals are safe (Japanese,  Chinese, Thai, Korean, etc) when I head to the southeast to avoid days of not even being able to hold down even water or herbal tea. Thus due to my pork allergy, not only do I associate white southern accents with bigoted "bless your heart" hypocritical Evangelical Christians and me feeling physically unsafe due to racist cops pulling a gun on my dad's cousin driving through Georgia for having a synagogue bumper sticker on their van and insisting he get out of the car or he'd shoot him a k*** and grocery store owners in Tennessee telling me not to worry he'd protect my (very blonde) mom and sister and me from "that dirty Jew" who was my father who openly wears his Solomon Seal silver necklace at all times but ever since my pork allergy started around 12 or 13 years old I associate it with getting violently ill after accidentally ingesting pork even when I stuck to "vegetarian" dishes like cornbread and whatever vegetable sides were available and a side salad. I know that's "not all white southerners" and "not all southern cooking" but it's too large a percentage for me to ever feel comfortable with either of them and expect I'll be physically paying for the encounter in the end..... 

2) Collard greens - they're thick and tough and it's like chewing on shoe leather no matter how they're cooked. 

3) Grits are literally the color and texture of vomit and no matter what you do to flavor them that texture remains and sets off my gag reflex.  Every time. 

4) Okra. Ain't no preparation of okra that isn't mushy or hard and there's nothing in between.  I don't particularly like the flavor of okra either,  so I'm okay with saying no. 

5) Sweet tea is an absolute abomination and the only kind of tea I cannot stand. It's typically Lipton's tea (which is mediocre at best) and then it's served iced not hot (the only reason I can see to put ice in your tea or coffee is one cube at a time after fully steeped to get it to a temperature to not scald your tongue) and then sweetened to a viscosity that cloyingly sticks to your teeth, tongue,  and throat.  It's absolutely revolting. If you ever mistake my love of hot tea for thinking I'd like sweet tea,  the nicest thing I will do is wince and tell you,  "I can't drink this" before pushing it aside or handing it back to you. But most likely I'll cuss and dump it out and if I know you should know better I'll dump it on you.  Sweet tea is an absolute abomination against The Lord.... There's nothing redeeming about it.  

6) Tabasco sauce and Frank's hot sauce - I love me stupidly spicy other people can't eat and cholula, sriracha, and sambal oelek are incredible I go through them fast.  But both tabasco and Frank's smell (and thus taste)  overwhelmingly of white vinegar to a point it makes me too nauseous to eat even if someone else is using it.  It's the white vinegar smell - I also dislike sauerkraut and slaws to an extent that as a kid I thought I disliked cabbage but really I just disliked the white vinegar in the slaws.  I do like garlicky dill pickles (loathe sweet pickles) but that's because the garlic and dill are more pungent than the white vinegar. 

7) Bourbon....  The only thing bourbon is good for is making French toast and caramels.  I adore a good whiskey, but bourbon ain't a good whiskey - it's like whiskey flavored corn syrup.... Probably because one of the rules to be bourbon is the grain content percentage of corn and MOST bourbons use Monsanto GMO roundup ready corn from the same fields for the corn syrup.  There's one,  and only one,  bourbon I've ever tried that doesn't have that sickly corn syrup taste/texture to it. And that is J. Henry bourbon - and they use an heirloom variety large kernel red corn that's been grown on their family farm since at least like 1912 when they registered it.  J. Henry is amazing - but otherwise I don't like bourbons and I will stick to my Irish whiskeys and scotchs thank you very much! 

Honestly,  even pecan pie is my least favorite pie I've ever tried - pecans have a bitter edge making them my least favorite nut and then the rest of the filling tastes like trying to choke down spoonfuls of corn syrup,  just coats everything....  And peaches picked when they're under ripe so they can be brought to market with bruising are literally my least favorite fruit except mangoes picked under ripe.  The only peaches (or peach dishes) I've ever liked are when I've picked perfectly ripe peaches directly off the tree and eaten them in the orchard.  And the Republic of Tea ginger peach black tea (though not any other peach teas.)

So anyway.  Southern style food is NOT a way to my heart or to impress me.  What doesn't make me vomit is almost always texturally or nasally abhorrent to me except for cornbread and catfish that isn't larded.  I do like bbq brisket and chicken,  but I have to be real cautious about how it's smoked because if anything pork drippings get onto the brisket or chicken,  I get sick..... And no baby back pork ribs for me, though beef short ribs are fine - not since before I hit puberty and my body started getting violently ill from pork.... (my Jewish side of the family has never kept Kosher except on important holidays like Passover Seder and during the High Holy Days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. So I grew up being able to eat it, though I never liked ham or Canadian bacon or pork chops as a kid, I did like bacon, pork ribs, pepperoni,  and sausage. I just haven't been able to eat it without getting violently ill since I hit puberty. I'm the only one who can't eat pork except a couple cousins who choose to be vegans. One of them did develop a pork allergy at 18 but never as bad as mine but then she got alpha-gal syndrome  (probably a Lonestar tick bite as it was after a roadtrip to visit some of her ex-husband's family in Texas) so all meat  and dairy started making her sick thus it was easier for her to just go vegan.) 

Look,  I may often be indecisive weighing all the pros/cons until I reach a decision,  but I do have strong opinions about what I do and don't like.  If you don't want a woman who knows what she likes/dislikes and is willing to voice her opinion about it,  then I am definitely not the one for you..... And for me ain't nothing about southern style food I find a comfort food.... Most of it makes me physically ill or I just dislike. 

 Something is coming and I don't know what it is...  I know it's not good,  but I don't know what it is...  And it's none of the "not good" precogs of social/political/global things yet to happen this year.  This is premonition ripples of emotions, not the same thing as precog flashes seeing something before it occurs. 

I don't know what it is,  but the ripples from it has all my senses (physical and spiritual) on the highest alert.  To the point I'm hearing electrical current for things plugged into outlets and the buzzing on and off of the heating element in my glass top stove.  Even in the other room waiting on the kettle for the last steep of this Young Dragon Hyson green tea. 

It's the last steep of it because the ripples of whatever is coming that I haven't yet foreseen clearly woke me during the witching hour so I decided to drink green tea and read Berkeley's Three Dialogues Between Hylas and Philonous.  (you can skip it. There was nothing I found particularly exciting or inspiring and much of the dialogue is very stilted unnatural late 17th century phrasing.  Unless you like the sort of philosophy that concludes that nothing material exists, it all only exists as ideas within a perceiving mind/spirit, but that it therefore always exists because the Universal First Cause of God is always perceiving all the ideas of everything in existence simultaneously for all of time. Then it might be your thing...)

Gonna finish this cuppa green tea then take the dog on a walk.  Then coffee and breakfast once I'm back.  I haven't seen humans in person much this last week and I've mostly been avoiding social media except for surfacing for news on my Twitter (which is mostly news sources,  activists,  astrologers, and cute animal threads) or on my Facebook interspersing humorous real life anecdotes with resharing to boost the signal important racial injustice related content from Black creators in light of recent events this week.  But as for seeing anyone other than my dog and cat?  Last Saturday I went to Farmer's Market in the morning then helped Karissa with adopting and buying supplies for her first ever dog (which was a lot of me meeting and petting dogs,  lol.)  And then I saw nobody at all until about 4:30pm on Weds when I went into work to make cocktails for Sarah,  my parents,  and me. ( Sarah bought a ginger liqueur and if you know me well, you know I love ginger.  Dark and Stormy was my favorite drink in college if I could find anywhere with ginger beer and dark rum, and Jameson and ginger beer with a splash of bitters and a lime is my go to cocktail for the last decade or so since ginger beer became a norm at bars.  So grateful for that trend!  Anyway, Sarah found a recipe for Mezcal Penicillin she wanted us to try.  2oz mezcal, 1/2oz ginger liqueur (which I decided to increase to 1oz or the smokiness overwhelmed the ginger, Sarah and my mum agreed), 3/4oz fresh lemon juice,  3/4oz agave syrup, float of single malt scotch on top to finish.)  The cocktails were super good, though 3 hours of Sarah there and 4 hours of my parents working late at work before they finally all left me alone was energetically draining enough for me to lock myself and my dog in a room I energetically shielded to sort and alphabetize stuff.  After I got home from work,  I slept for nearly 15 hours straight to recharge....  I was considering going in to see people and then watch dvred figure skating with my mom at my parents house.  (my mum takes it personally when I explain to her that most humans drain me to be near and if I don't have excess energy for that drain,  I don't want to be around them.  I've known a handful of people aren't draining,  and kids actually are not typically draining until they hit about middle/high school aged. My mother has tried to tell me she's more of an introvert than me because I got to concerts and such with lots of people there despite her determining her self worth and reviving her energy stores by her interactions and relations to others, especially her ability to help them with things. She has always hated and yelled at me for my need to hide from others to recharge myself.  As I said,  she takes it personal.)  But we'll see....if I'm this much on high alert all day, being around people might not be a good choice for me.  On verra.