January/February Book List

So I had said I might go back to posting my reading lists and then I didn't post end of January so maybe I'll do it as an every other month thing until I forget and stop doing it anymore, lol.

I haven't had as much time for reading so far this year AND I haven't gone to a bookstore AND my local little libraries on the walks with the dog(s) haven't had much of interest to me. The books acquired are a) from around my Seattle area visit and didn't put in my book list til January b) from the Milwaukee Art Museum gift shop c) a book I ordered from Llewellyn back in the fall which was on back order and they finally shipped and d) a couple kids books from the Little Library by Stoughton Opera House at the full moon, on Feb 24. 

And then on Feb 25, I did place both a thriftbooks and Amazon order at the end of the month -- but it was because I had to order some more Goody's headache powder pain relief meds because I'm running low which meant book shopping to get free shipping since I don't have prime and I'd rather spend the money on books rather than shipping. And then I did a price compare of some that I've been wanting between thriftbooks and amazon to spend as little as possible on the books I ordered. That said, the orders were small and won't get added til they arrive in my hands, which is tomorrow and/or next week, lol. I AM really behind on ordering my grandma's books she's been writing but they're like $15 each and she's been writing them super fast and it's going to be like $160 order and I won't have time to read them right away so I'D waiting to see if lulu (her self publisher she uses) has any sitewide coupon sales before placing the order. And then they sent me a site wide coupon for 15% off (which covered the shipping and taxes added back on, because self publishing companies don't do the free shipping options) so today I ordered them to catch up through the third of her series in this world. But they'll all count as books acquired in March because that's when they'll be MINE, not just ordered by me.

Also by "not much time to read" I mean by my standards not normal people standards because I REALIZE that  I finished just a bit over 7,000 pages (about 7,200 pgs maybe?) in books in two months as well as making some headway in other books that i read little bits at a time whose totals will end up in the order of whenever I FINISH them, lol. And I REALIZE that for most people over 7,000 pgs  is more than they read in an entire year let alone in two months, so this list is a lot for MOST people, but for me it's actually not all that much compared to my normal, lol. I would say my past normal is GENERALLY 8,000-10,000 pages in a month most months unless I'm WAY too busy with way too many shows and then it's closer to 4,000-6,000 pages.  My reading speed goes down significantly though when I'm reading in French or Greek or reading any of my dual language books that at this point I'm not multilingual in (Italian, Latin, Spanish, Irish, Hebrew) but I still read both sides so I can maintain some small fluency, the languages I'm just proficient enough to get the gist but have to do a lot of guesswork and still want the translation for confirmation and nuances.

 

 Books finished:

~E. Ashley Rooney, Irish Ghost Stories, Legends & Lore (158 pgs) [hit or miss, the first half was better than the second]

~Robert Frost, Selected Poems (128 pgs) 

~Susannah Clarke, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (1,006 pgs) [this was very long and at times a bit of a slog but I very much enjoyed it! However, it is drier and written more in the stuffy style of the era than ACTUAL British literature of the time, so only recommend for those who already love the style of writing from the late 1700s early 1800s]

~John Marzluff & Tony Angell, Gifts of the Crow: How Perception, Emotion, and Thought Allow Smart Birds to Behave Like Humans (287 pgs) [this was fascinating! Very easily digestible information.]

~Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad (199 pgs) [quick read, enjoyed it but didn't think it the feminist masterpiece of herstory retelling that it is often touted to be]

~Patricia A. McKillip, Alphabet of Thorn (291 pgs) [this was a delightful fantasy novel! Very much enjoyed it!]

~Jack London, To Build a Fire and Other Stories (420 pgs) [every time I read Jack London, the stories that aren't precursors to Steinbeck's tragedy are all endurance survival tests and I get all, "See. I'm not all that stoic. Look how soft I am. There's so much worse that the world could throw at me and I could be forced to endure." And I'm quite certain it's not healthy for my psyche to have my stoic streak validated by the idea that in the stoic endurance competitions, I haven't had to endure all that much and I could make it through worse....]

~Cynthia Voigt, The Callender Papers (182 pgs)

~Tom Shroder, Old Souls: The Scientific Evidence for Past Lives (253 pgs) [this is an interesting travelogue of case studies, I appreciated the author's own questioning throughout]

 ~Roald Dahl, Over To You (159 pgs) [collection of Dahl's short stories for adults, mostly from his WWI pilot experiences; some of these I have read before, some I have not.]

~Maria Tatar, The Heroine with 1,001 Faces (329 pgs) [I wanted to love this more than I did. It started out really strong and even includes a subject I considered for a thesis if I stayed in academia about the power of women's speech as a form of magic to solve the inequity/injustices in fairytale/mythology, both when she does speak and when she doesn't. That chapter was the strongest. Some chapters, however, were just summaries or endorsements for books with female main characters and while I love those books/films, the author failed to make any point about them, just brought them up or summarized them as if the cultural love of those female characters was her thesis rather than a WHY or HOW they fit, create, question, rebel, or recreate archetypes.]

~Max Brooks, World War Z (420 pgs) [The book was written in 2006 but I didn't actually read this before or even see the movie, I also never watched Walking Dead or any of the zombie related shows. I saw the zombie fad of the early 2000s to be an existential crisis about the dumbing down of humanity due to the toxic mix of lack of critical thinking skills, lack of basic survival/diy skills, pop culture celebrity fixation, and social media. I took the root causes seriously and the need for cultivating skills for worst case scenarios, but the zombie fad in entertainment I more or less ignored. I found this copy of World War Z in a little library in summer 2019 and figured I'd never read it before so I might as well grab it to read at some point. In the aftermath of seeing how the world handled covid-19 and with the current geopolitics in the Middle East and China-Taiwan and the redux of this election cycle doubling down choices for future paths between reactionary Christo-fascism dictatorship and progressive inclusive holistic planet-centered world views, I decided it was time to read it. Damn does the book hit differently post COVID given how much of the responses are still the same even after a pandemic test run with COVID and the global failures containing/eradicating it. So many eerie parallels there. I'm glad to have read it right now, but also far too many of the "how did this happen" remain extant in post-covid reality and geopolitics nearly 20 years after the book was first published....]

~Maggie Stiefvater, The Scorpio Races (435 pgs) [this is Mikaela's favorite book ever and when she found it used one time, she insisted on buying it for me to read.]

~Translated by Frank J. Nisetich, Pindar's Victory Songs (366 pgs) [I read another translation of Pindar's Odes in Dec before my trip, my goal was to compare them to decide which to keep, decided on both since they are very interestingly different translations.]

~Camper English, Doctors and Distillers: The Remarkable Medicinal History of Beer, Wine, Spirits, and Cocktails (348 pgs) [this was a delightfully easy to read but very informative history of the uses of alcohol itself and medicinal plants infused in alcohol throughout history and included cocktail recipes throughout; it was divided up into easily digestible sections for setting aside and coming back so you never felt you hit information overload. I feel like it could be a fun game to go back and reread this book (or audiobook it) with a pause at each recipe to create the cocktail and enjoy it before moving on to the next section.]

~Graciela Limón, Song of the Hummingbird (217 pgs)

~Edgar Rice Burroughs, Beyond the Farthest Star (160 pgs)

~Edited by Charles J. Ogletree, Jr. & Austin Sarat, From Lynch Mobs to the Killing State: Race and the Death Penalty in America (309 pgs)

~Richard Wright, Native Son (504 pgs) [I read this at the same time I was reading the Ogletree & Sarat about death penalty and the two really worked well in dialogue -- one from the perspective of the academic/legal analysis and the other from a fictional interior lived experience. but the ways they echoed and amplified each other, even with so much time separating their publication, was astounding.]

~Travis Smiley, The Covenant With Black America: Ten Years Later (281 pgs)

~Edited by Paul Radin, African Folktales (322 pgs)

~N. K. Jemisin, The Inheritance Trilogy 1: The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms (427 pgs) [I loved this book so so so much!!! One of my favorite fantasy novels I've read in a while! I look forward to reading the other two first thing in March. From the back of the books, it looks like they are all set in the same universe and the gods are the same, but the stories are not necessarily the same sets of characters. But I'll know more when I read the other two.]

Books acquired:

~De Yampert. Crows and Ravens: Mystery, Myth, and Magic of Sacred Corvids

~ Degas to Picasso: Creating Modernism in France

~ Degas to Picasso: Creating Modernism in France Supplement

~Deborah Hautzig, Happy Birthday Little Witch

~Robert Henri, The Art Spirit 

~Freya Littledale (adapted from Washington Irving), The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

~Alex Michaelides, The Maidens 

~Sir Wolfrik, The Knights of the Round Table Puzzle Quest 

~Evie Woods, The Lost Bookshop

"We distrust our heart too much, and our head not enough." -Joseph Roux (1834-1886)

That quote in the title was sitting in my inbox waiting for me at the top of an email newsletter from this morning.

Honestly, when I checked my email this evening and saw it, it made me laugh. (at myself. because guilty.) 

I know I perhaps ought to have said something sooner I suppose, that my head was going in circles lying to me that perhaps I ought to just accept the distance as what he wants and so I should try to move on with those who ARE in my life and to not dwell upon could have beens that never were.... But the thing is I KNEW it was from my head alone and I had no more reason to listen to it than I had to listen to (potentially false) hopes because I've got nothing certain to go with other than intuitive knowing when I'm at my most centered. And I also knew that I was definitely NOT balanced or centered because I was so upset mourning about it being so unseasonably warm for February in Wisconsin and what it meant for this planet and its future and the wild swings in temperature from the so severely weakened jet stream. 

So I didn't think it worth the writing about here end of last week and earlier in the week when I was wrestling with it as it might have spoiled the recent days -- and I was NOT going to spoil anyone else's International Polar Bear Day (Feb 27) lol. Besides, it was easier for me to just retreat into myself and wrestle with it KNOWING it had no greater evidence than to hold the opposite view and I was better off waiting on the weather (external and internal) to change and not acting upon the inner shadows because really I had no proof or reason to believe either way so it was better of me to wait til there was something more concrete. About all I did while I was questioning and wrestling shadows of my own mind's making (unless of course there were other reasons for me to be feeling that way -- but if there was it wasn't any facts I had, just an inner barometer telling me the wind had changed and once again perhaps there was no place for me in his life) was I stopped my new habit of randomly reaching out down the bond toward him to remind him of the love here between our souls. Because after all, it wouldn't be right of me to do that if it was somehow contrary to the life he's choosing for himself. 

I don't claim it's FAIR I was thinking that way or that I kept it to myself... I just claim that i was struggling with that old bugaboo but that even while thinking that way I knew it to have nothing it was based on just logic building on logic with no solid foundational premises beneath it. It COULD be true and maybe i OUGHT to listen to it and make me let go and try to look elsewhere -- but I have no evidence that's any more true than the counter idea that I should hold on keep the faith. I have as much (or little) evidence for one view as the other. All my evidence is in his absence and that's not evidence per se, just a continuing state of non isness, but not a WHY of it that would be be proof for believing either way.

And I don't feel I ought to act in any direction without evidence or a damn good reason (well temptation, but also perhaps being realistic, y'know?) And I didn't HAVE a reason, or new evidence, just my head building logic from shadows telling me I needed to face reality accept them as truth.

Anyway. I'm still hanging out with the dogs at work getting some inputting done before I head to the house with the dogs -- my parents connecting flight back from Panama via Atlanta got delayed by nearly three hours and is now supposed to arrive at 1:50am but at least at that hour there isn't much cross town traffic for me to get over to the airport (but they haven't even boarded yet.)  Good news is I got all my plants at work watered this evening and didn't have to stop in the middle or come back in the middle of the night or anything.

Cause I, 'cause I, I don't know how to feel. But I wanna try. I don't know how to feel, But someday I might. Someday I might. Think I forgot how to be happy. Something I'm not, but something I can be. Something I wait for. Something I'm made for. Something I'm made for.

 It's been unseasonably warm lately, as in yesterday was 70F in February in Wisconsin, and my heart has been shattered by it. It hurts me and makes me mourn in the hollows of grief so I don't rage and do something stupid with my gifts over how damaged humanity has made the earth and how close to broken the equilibriums of all the systems that have helped hold the planet in conditions that best foster life..... Humanity has tampered with things beyond it's ken and it will take cataclysms that even the most dire of  climate scientists have warned before the planets new equilibriums are found. 

But for now, whenever the seasons are out of joint, it makes me grieve so I don't rage. And this "winter" has been a rough one on me for that -- hardest one since I accepted that my weather witching was not strong enough without channeling amounts of energy too dangerous for this body for me to continue my more than a decade of pouring energy into holding steady the ever weakening jet stream and keep jump starting it every time it stalled out...

Winter isn't winter anymore, and knowing it was coming this life and I must rejoice in the snow while I have had it doesn't make it any easier on me when the seasons are so unbalanced.... I've been avoiding humans as much as possible, just spending time with the dogs and mostly being awake at night and other than to shower and wait for my hair to dry before curling up for a nap I've been burrowing in to sleep during the heat of the day because the more unseasonably warm it gets the deeper my heart hurt and the further into the hollows my grief took me..

And of course, me being in the hollows, even when it's mourning over the inevitable arriving, means that since Saturday or Sunday (whenever the unseasonable warmup started) I've been in a numbed heart stoic fatalist head space ready to try to make me accept the way things ARE (or as people have chosen thus far for them to be) as opposed to the hope of how they still COULD be. And that applies to everyone and everything that there is even the smallest hint of "it would be for the best if I let go of this" logic inside my brain. Not so far for me to act on it, I held onto enough of my higher self and heart stubbornness not to ACT on it, but enough for my thoughts to be circling through the shadows of the hollows and for me to have to guard against it not listen to their insistence. Because when I am in the hollows too deep, I will always do what it seems to me MUST be done whether I like it or not and my heart won't be able to dissuade me from that course once I make up my mind to it. At least, not until I'm out of the hollows will I listen to my heart again -- and by then it can be too late if I allow me to act on the whispers of stoic fatalism there. Especially if anything nudges me to listen to shadows.

And I know it about me. It's part of me being silent here (other than to share the weekend's astro poets horoscope because it was something) and just grappling with it because I knew why I was being like that but nothing I could do about it except push to come sooner the cold snap and deadly storms on the other side of the 70s heat wave. In February. 

I'm better today, there's peace in my heart and love/faith for new paths in the future is once more the upper hand over instinct to martyrdom now that it plummeted over 55F in under 24 hours to bring back real February even if only for a day or so. So when I dropped off Sophie at MCW I picked up Mikaela with the intention of laying a cozy fire in the hearth all day to celebrate what is likely the last day with high temperatures below freezing.... (And yes I realize fires pollute, but the small contribution of me having a fire today vs not is too negligible compared to the larger warning factors for it to make much difference either way. And today my heart needed the hygge of a crackling hearthfire to help heal it's grief over Mother Earth being this sick...) 

So mostly I've been reading a novel and drinking coffee, alternating feeding the fire and laying on the floor nearby, and basking in this gift of a day where for one brief moment "winter" feels like REAL winter again and I can pretend Mother Earth isn't so sick running a fever so high it might kill all higher lifeforms again in another new mass extinction event..... 

I KNOW that outside my bubble of actual winter, there are tornadoes I just south of me and floods and uncontrolled wildfires threatening a nuclear weapons manufacturing site in Texas panhandle even though it's only February and stupid early for fire season to be starting again -- and let's not even start in on the stupidities and cruelties of mankind..... But today I am in my bubble of REAL February returning for a day and I don't want to look outside it just yet, I want to just pretend for a bit that the inevitable return to May/June temperatures isn't coming in just a few days from now.... 

But also, it means I'm in a better inner space right now then I've been these recent days about.... Well.... Anyone/everything I think it might be in the best interests for me to stoically accept letting go.

[Post title: lyrics to the Billie Elisha song What Was I Made For. It's the best song representation I've heard so far for what it's like in the hollows. Including the knowledge of where you are and that it will be happy and you'll feel again. Just not yet.]

 Thinking of which. So for a bit I was sharing the astro poets weekly horoscopes for Libra and Pisces because they were so weirdly thematic and on point and sometimes seem to be responding to the others from the week(s) before. And then I got distracted by other thoughts and things and forgot to share them when my they came in on the weekend, but they've still been very much of the same vein for those two signs (but not the others, they're as all over the place random poetry as they usually all are. It's just a Libra and Pisces thing that the continuity and interwoven messages has been happening this year.) 

I can't recall when I stopped sharing them and I need to move laundry then go shower while I'm home (and not sleeping) so I'm not going to go backwards through all my words to try to skim through my posts for them...that's just a lot of words. So to make up and because I've been saving the emails in my inbox while they're all inter-related focused, I'll just  copy/paste the ones from this week, the week before, and two weeks ago and I'm sorry if you missed any but here are the most recent reassurances on the themes "the love IS and you are surrounded by it" and "trusting/enjoying beginnings" and "saying/writing/singing the truth of things."

 

This week:

"Week of 2/25 in Libra: Purple and blue like the lilac songs of peace. You look upon those you love with grace. You draw the picture that is part of everything. You have taught these lessons. You have known it all."

 "Week of 2/25 in Pisces: Dandelions like light. That’s the special thing you know. Keep accumulating it all into the middle of the song. Sing and know what else could begin. Keep to the blue like light like dandelions."

 

last week: 

"Week of 2/18 in Libra: So many birds. You see inside the window where the love is. You can go in and out and why not. Say it secretly. Say what you want silently now."

"Week of 2/18 in Pisces: Some things that speak to you. Let them. Let the holy meaning extend. You know it all. Say it."

 

Two weeks ago:

"Week of 2/11 in Libra: Love is there like a bell. A sweet and soft embrace again. The morning comes in with a question. You have found it all. You have found everything that can begin again."

"Week of 2/11 in Pisces: Leaves and such in an opening. Writing the words on the front of the page. More immensity that rings in. Velvet and such. Making more of it than you know."

See what I mean? Tell me it's not just me... They form a continuing narrative theme and a dialogue with each other between my sun and rising signs.... And none of the other signs have been doing that.

Okay. My phone battery is at 17% so I need to go plug it in and I have laundry and showering to get done. So this is actually not rambling for once. Ta ta for now.

 It is absolutely infuriating that the state surgeon general of Florida doesn't understand how exponentially infectious measles is if you don't isolate and quarantine... Quarantining a sick kid isn't a parents rights issue, it's basic containment strategy and you can't skip the 21 day quarantine say it's up to parents if they choose to knowingly send a known close exposure contagious kid to school. Measles is infectious AF and for a long time -- thus the lengthy quarantine. It's not just anti-vax parents who won't get MMR for their kids affected, it's also immunocompromised and carrying it to kids too young for the full series at risk of hospitalization or death if measles is allowed to spread...Like, this is public health epidemiology 101, known for centuries.... Especially with measles.... 

Kids are going to be hospitalized, blinded, and die as a direct result of this asinine policy choice. The numbers are small NOW, but with how infectious measles is, they won't stay small. This is more terrifying than the Ohio outbreak in toddlers a couple years ago because in Ohio they contained it immediately.... 

Look, unless you are over 75 or have past life memories or you are a student of history, you don't remember how deadly measles is to kids.... But we're about to get a crash course in what it feels like to live in a time when over 50% of kids die before age 5 as well as land wars in Europe becoming world wars and rising evangelical christian bigotry... All at once.

How fucking idiotic can you be to say isolating a contagious kid is at parents discretion?!?! How can you be a state surgeon general without understanding the necessity of quarantining the sick/contagious!?!

I'm just so flabbergasted by the insanity of it. What's next? It's up to county discretion if they sanitize waste water and safely dispose of it?! Are we bringing back cholera and dysentery now too?!?! Maybe polio should be discretionary quarantine as well since symptoms are so mild for most people, put people back in iron lungs or paralyzed for life? How about leprosy which has an animal reservoir in armadillos but requires early antibiotics intervention to stop it? Same with bubonic plague, the black death, that has a reservoir in prairie dogs in the US and I've spent this entire life terrified of an antibiotic resistant virulent strain mutation developing from that animal reservoir.... Because if COVID taught us anything, it taught us the US ain't ready for black death level infectious disease outbreak and it will spread worldwide.... I mean, like measles these are all diseases that a generation ago were functionally eradicated in the US human populations..... 

Jesus fucking Christ. How fucking idiotic can you be?!?! A contagious kid quarantined at the discretion of parents who won't even get the MMR vac for their kids?!?! Literally ones man's decision could blind or kill so many kids in Florida and beyond.... And until kids are old enough for the full course of MMR vax, EVERY infant and toddler is at risk of measles hospitalization and death if allowed to runaway into community spread beyond containment control....

 O. Well, I don't actually know how long my energy realignement and boundaries last once I lay them... It probably varies depending on how much I put into the work... I visit the capital in the city and recircle it fairly frequently so I do renew it and check it, and that I'd not be able to easily do with my idea of needing to extend protections where needed outside of venues/fest grounds and churches/synagogues/graveyards/temples of all sorts. (What you didn't think it was JUST theatres and fest grounds, did you? It's all places I come across where people open up to connection without knowing what they are opening up TO that I made it my personal mission to protect those people so people can connect safely. The places where entities prey upon innocents who know no better but to let down all their defenses to allow energy exchange -- so while I understand why those entities are opportunistically drawn to such spaces, I feel strongly that those places ought to be safe for those people who choose to open up to connection. I dunno, it just made sense to me as a protective thing, even if the people who are protected by it are people don't even know the danger they had put themselves in. I think sometimes, the best works people can do are the ones that people notice by in their absence.)  

It's not a job per se, I certainly don't get paid for it and nobody assigned me to do it. It's more of a personally chosen mission that I do haphazardly in my wandering whenever I encounter something that I feel requires my attention to deal with it. It's in no way a have to, it's just more of.... it's and ethical thing about not wanting to leave it for innocent souls to be harmed by it given I have the skills and knowledge to do something about it.

I do know that I can go back to venues I haven't been to for years and still feel the gridding I laid there. (I do NOT grid anywhere that has benevolent ghosts as it would cast them from their chosen home and I won't do it unless/until they're ready to move on so I treat haunted venues/grounds a bit differently than the unhaunted spaces -- my rules for ghosts are to help them cross to the light if they want and make clear that if they do harm to ANY living being, I will force them back to the light whether they want it or not but as long as they do no harm, I will leave them to stay.  And then I put a semi permeable boundary so unincarnated spirits within can leave when they're ready to move on but no other unincarnated spirits (and now attachments) can get IN through the line. Like the channel of a semi permeable cell membrane, where ions can go one way fitting the proper enzyme that gets it across the  wall but not the other way because the shapes won't fit. I also do nothing to force or calm down angry native spirits because they have every damn right to feel any damn way they do to those who stole everything from them and destroyed their way of life and murdered countless innocents. They have every damn right to whatever damn way they want to feel and I won't force them to anything and i won't move them on -- though I WILL deal with lingering spirits of whites who harmed them then help the native spirits back to the Great Spirit.) And I know that friends, especially musicians, who have gifts of clairsentience have told me things like, "We played this hall. You've been there, yes?" and when I say yes they tell me they knew because they could feel my energy there. I've also met musicians, especially in the Irish music community, who the first time they meet me say things like, "O that's you! Your energy everywhere." 

Only, it's not TRULY my energy. I don't use my own energy reserves in my work, that would drain me and potentially cause me harm. Instead I open to source and am a conduit for raw energy direct from source -- what feels like my energy is that it's my will/energy that shapes the work so my energy signature is all woven over and through it but it's not actually MY energy. Which may not make much sense, it's easier for me to show for those who are spiritually aware and can feel energy work and have the gifts/talents for it than to explain in words. The language just isn't there for it, and what words there are tend to be charged by religious beliefs rather than neutral descriptive terms.... 

But I don't KNOW how long anything I do lasts and I think it depends.... If it makes sense, I open up as a channel to Source and then realign the grid of the Universe unfolding and then push it outward feeling the space with the realigned energy until the space is all filled up and I can close the connections. So I don't know how long that lasts... I don't use a physical object to tie it to, physical objects can too easily be dug up and moved about, I sort of just tie it to the dimensions of space/time within the entire space I'm gridding/protecting. Encircling, the different types of it, they're different and I don't think it lasts as long as when I grid/bless/protect a place. I'm sure unincarnated beings that serve the unfolding of the Universe can cross it, especially the powerful ones be they angels or old gods/goddesses or fée or devas or whatever terms you want for them. It's just that only those who occupy the three types of threads in the grid, matter/energy, spirit/essence, and space/time can move through a properly gridded space while the gridding is undamaged... But it's why ATTACHMENTS found a loophole from the way I've been doing it all this life, because by being attached onto a physical host as conduit, they can pass as having all three threads and come in on their host as long as they stay on their host. It's why I've had to develop other techniques for attachments.

Anyway, I don't know how long my techniques will last, but I'm tired of attachments feeding on unsuspecting others or manipulating innocents via their hosts and I can't just keep trying to whack a mole an exponential problem and I can't grid the entire fucking world and I can't ask my immortal unincarnating allies to be everywhere all seeing misusing their assistance. If I add places of justice/laws to those I protect energetically, then I can start chipping away at one aspect of the battle right now that almost nobody sees or recognizes. And that will make the other fights easier and not so stacked against those who defy what's happening.

I suppose I should have thought of it sooner.... But I tend to try to be really objective and consider how I use my gifts and stay within my own ethics and rules (including about the sanctity of free will as the source of the lessons and meaning within the cycles of incarnation.) I don't want to accidentally tip the scales due to my subjective biases. But after i got so angry, I spent a long while thinking and talking to my best friend about my decision to neutralize those with attachments they were willingly serving in powerful places and what we landed on is as long as I keep my ethical lines clear so that ANYONE guilty of that sort of behavior is to be put forward to neutralize their being a puppet to unincarnated malevolent spirits, then it's not me tilting the scales out of balance in favor of my own biases, it's making sure that it's a fair set of scales for everyone and let their own free will choices be the crux of the battles. I haven't really talked to Crissy at all about my decision I want to visit as many capitals/courthouses as possible to spiritually protect those premises and most especially from attachments entering into them, but as long as I am clear in my reasons and my ethical lines, I can't break it find a problem with it. 

But I got so ANGRY last weekend at the injustice and unfairness of it, corrupt humans and zealous bigoted humans are bad enough for most good people to have to deal with, they shouldn't have to be fighting battles they can't see or understand against powerful but corrupted malevolent entities... So I'm just going to put a stop to that sort of manipulation of the human fatelines and say, "Nope. No more of that. Let the incarnated learn and become better on their own without your manipulating interfering in the process." Like I said, I got angry and so I've decided to do something about the injustice of it because if not me, then who? Especially since most people aren't even aware enough to recognize or trained at all in what to do with such entities, whether fully unincarnated or as attachments. And by channeling the raw energy of my anger into a course of action to balance the scales and right the injustice of it, I kept that temper flare up channeled enough not to cause any lights to burn out or electronics to fail. This time.

I have lots of other strong gifts I use, I'm probably one of the most active raw elemental types powerful intuitive witch/psychic/prophet/healer you will encounter incarnating on the modern world. Only, I don't LIKE the words because I bend my knee to no powers but the Universe unfolding and Ma'at as the way of it unfolding and I certainly don't work by ritual or ceremonies of anything of the sort. Which is why my friend Bryce, a gay druidic priest and chaplain, said I am the strongest elemental like in a mortal body as a magic user he has ever encountered. My way is mostly just pure raw energy/will and calling on some ancient immortal allies rather than trying to do it all myself -- especially if I'm working with something that will take more powerful than a single human body can safely channel, lol.

Sophie seems to be doing better today than the other day  -- I've been using my healing hands on her for inflammation pain reduction and to destroy bacterial infection and also giving the dogs dental chews every day since my parents haven't got back to my texts from the other day. but they're in Panama so i don't expect they will. It's just that without their say so, I don't feel I can take their dog to a vet to make those choices for them get her on pain meds and antibiotics and/or schedule a dental appointment for her. She's not YET at a point I feel if I do nothing she could go septic from a tooth infection rotting out, but I do want them to do it soon after they get back because it has been worsening. She growled a lot about it, because she growls and her ears go back when anyone touches near her face or the places she has arthritis inflammation, but last night she let me gently lift her lips and check her teeth and gums. not the back-most ones though, she started fighting me backing up when I tried to open her mouth wider to let me look. I didn't see any cracks on the outer surfaces, but the side that's swollen and hurts to the touch  the gums were inflamed on the top. Anyway, she was very good about it and grateful I was looking at it trying to find where her hurt is, so i gave both dogs treats after checking Waffles teeth even though she didn't need it (because it's unfair to give just one dog a treat but it's not fair to reward one for doing nothing.)  Animals generally like and trust me, especially dogs, so I can get away with a lot with them that most people can't do. The rule with dogs is that you both have to come from a place of love and understanding they WANT to make you happy and receive your love and they trust that you love them want the best for them and whatever ridiculous (to them) thing you're asking of them there's a reason for it. I don't know that Sophie would let anyone else check her mouth like that, I would guess for a vet to even look at them she'd need my da or someone holding her while the vet looks at them. I think it can wait until my parents get back, but I'll still be keeping an eye on her and having Sarah keep an eye on her during the days she's at work or visiting Sarah's family tomorrow. Just in case. Because some people/mammals can fight off sepsis for a long time but some you see organ damage or failure or death in 12-24 hours. So you want to catch it as early as possible if there's a possibility of runaway infection, y'know?

O, why am I watching the news even though it's hard to watch right now and not much I can do in this life at the geopolitical level? Well, I know it upsets one's equilibrium to know too much about what's going on in the world, especially when there are limits on the scope of change one can effect. But there is a purpose in me watching the news right now.... I'm watching both international news and MSNBC (while at my parents house) because things are changing too rapidly on the political stage AND to watch for political/news worthy people who have attachments or are working as channels for negative entities to cut that shit off. (I got ANGRY right as Aquarius turned to Pisces season at the intentional unraveling of the unfolding of creation and finding loopholes that have made it like whack a mole to try to get things back to even fair playing field for humanity. So I'm doing something about it -- in my own behind the scenes small life with a big spiritual reach way.) Because it's fucking unfair to have unincarnated entities tipping the scales against humanity's own choices or getting their hooks into those who are unwilling wouldn't choose it if they knew what they were doing.  The only thing is, like anyone else, I don't know what I don't know but when I encounter someone's energy or see their image/video then I can recognize any energy attached to them or using them as a channel IF I recognize the energy signal of the entity. And then there are bindings and protections I can do to neutralize. So I'm watching the news to help me see who needs to be bound to not allow malignant cruel attachments to work through them to feed on the energies of others or manipulate them. I mean, I LIKE to know what's going on in the world, but right NOW I'm trying to make sure that as many KNOWN problems become KNOWN to me and individually bound from such harm because I don't know how effective a broader wider binding IS and I tread carefully harming innocents.

People can be cruel and petty and vindictive and greedy and corrupted by power/money/ego and make terrible unjust venal choices in their own free will and that's a different fight. But ain't nothing just or the way the universe unfolding was intended about malevolent entities cheating to deprive people of their own free will having any say in the fate lines. So it won't be allowed to continue once I discover it. Not. On. My. Watch.

But disturbing my peace of mind by watching the news right now during such major events has a point and it DOES shift the fatelines, every damn one I can find and catch an neutralize, it shifts the fatelines by mitigating the harm they were doing and could have continued doing. I worry about those behind the scenes pulling the strings whose names/faces/energies I don't know and can't so easily find, I just have to hope the broader bindings but I'd feel better if I KNEW the loopholes and those slipping between the weavings were taken care of....

Also. Since I got angry, I came up with an idea beyond my current whack a mole to try to get some traction against malevolent entities as attachments feeding on or making puppets of people. It's been effective here in Madison and is (part) of what helped dig out the entrenched issues here in my state. We will see how the state moves forward now that we have fair election maps. But the short version is that, with my techniques I use, I placed a boundary around the capital and the courthouses to keep unincarnated malevolent spirits from crossing AND since last year when I finally wised on to the attachments loophole that allowed entities in a gridded blessed space, I laid my newer boundary that no malevolent attachments can cross it -- the human host can but any attached malevolent entities must wait outside and can't reach their host. And. While in my life I have visited almost all major national monuments and parks and every state but Alaska, I have not visited every states capital. And I see no reason I shouldn't revisit places I've been and protect from malevolent disembodied entities AND attached entities all places of governance and sentencing.  And I see no reason to limit it to just the states. I'll need money and/or a good excuse to travel a LOT to achieve it, but fuck it. I think I need to figure out a way to be paid to travel, at least paid enough to cover the travel and pay the bills.

I've been protecting the places people open to connection and get fed on by malevolent entities because people NEED safe spaces to open up and energy exchange soul to soul. It's part of why I started traveling for theatre and music venues/fest scenes the way I do for music and communities I love -- to protect the spaces and the people who come there to be able to connect in joy and trust and have energy exchange communion without being pressed upon. And I'm still going to do that, and I recognize there are lots of venues and fest grounds I've never been inside to fill the space and never walked to encircle to protect  -- people need safe spaces for the connection of energy exchange and they need them to be safe for everyone who opens up there. But I also have decided to set myself the goal of protecting the places where rule of law needs to be protected. I'm about to get REALLY interested in publicly available tours and lectures of the rooms where it happens and traveling to see them. 😆 And I'm going to make myself a triage list of where I most need to go do it. Though for some of them, I'll be needing to dust off my wide eyed innocence butter wouldn't melt in my mouth looks like old money college self who used to talk down the crazy evangelicals by telling them that I admired how deeply they believed their scriptures and ask them if they could explain to me some scriptures I didn't yet understand -- then ask them for their own Bible to chapter and verse prove them wrong while asking them to explain the biblical verse to me. It was great fun, at least if you're a pagan Jewish elf witch, and more often than not  sent them home, often never to return to those spaces. Anyway, the places that most need me to go grid and set boundaries against male belong attachments, I need to enter not looking at all like what I am, letting everyone see the version of me they want to see. Good thing my last life peaked in the 40s and 50s so I love me an a line skirt floral dress and a cardigan. 

I haven't figured out the HOW of getting paid to cover my expenses and still travel as an excuse to visit and protect specific spaces to keep the scales fair as humanity allows. It's for humanity to rise or fall by their choices, not by being puppets for darker entities they don't even realize are using them abrogating their free will  BUT I got angry in my righteous anger at injustice and wrongness mode, and Ive decided that there's much I cannot do -- but to make the rooms where it happens spiritually safe spaces so no entities unincarnated or attachment can cross AND as a bonus, nobody within those spaces can be a channel for energy feeding or manipulation by any malevolent entities. In the name of fairness and giving the incarnated souls a chance to ACTUALLY use their free will...

Anyway, I haven't figure out a HOW to go about traveling so extensively to visit every capital and courthouse I can but I have figured out a WHAT that I need to add into my self appointed (semi haphazard) wandering way of cleaning up spiritual messes and fighting when I have to and cleansing and protecting the places that cross my path. As a hand of Ma'at, it's what I do in any life -- because I know how and I can. And even in a small personally fulfilling life not for the history books or the world of fame, I can't help but scream defiance at injustices in the cycle of souls and entities trying to tip the scales to destroy the sanctity of free will. I would feel like I was betraying my truest self if I knew how to defy and protect in these ways and DIDN'T do it....

This is what happens when you tap into my cold righteous anger of outraged justice that speaks the voice of inevitable truths/prophecies and is brutally logical and never burns itself out. My quick temper can burn hot but always burns itself out no matter how much damage it did once it's out it's done. But my cold anger? O, that doesn't go away until the injustice(s) and/or intentional cruelty are made right a d the scales of justice are righted. My cold anger is implacable righteous divine wrath. Sometimes it scares even me the power I channel direct from source during it....

O, and even though this is my break from shows and plans, Sarah and Mikaela offered and were excited to have the dogs on Saturday for symphony rather than leave them alone and when I asked said they were okay watching them all day for me to do brunch with symphony friends and symphony at 2:30 then head to Stoughton for dinner at Viking Brew Pub before seeing BeauSoleil at 7:30.  Originally I WANTED to see them again, they're my favorite cajun/creole/zydeco band and they're AMAZING musicians and helped save Cajun fiddle traditions from disappearing back in the 70s but they're old and have some health issues so like I was doing with George Winston and as I'm still doing with Billy Joel, Michael Doucet is on my list of old musicians whose time remaining I can tell is limited and so there are a finite number of shows I can experience with them. They're (supposedly) on their farewell tour after 50 years of touring and this show was added late to the last handful of shows right before their Chicago show even though they came through and played Stoughton Opera House at the start of their farewell tour.  I just didn't know if I could make it all work without Sarah being willing to take the dogs because they'd be alone inside with nobody to let them out if I were going for like 10-12 hours with my parents in Panama right now. But Sarah was up for it and so I picked up tickets tonight up in the balcony (center section row dd, on the left side so Crissy can be on the aisle in case she needs to go to the bathroom but so I can be centered as possible for the best accoustics.

Part of why Sarah agreed to it (and how it came up) is because I'm concerned about Sophie (my parents dog.) She's had some arthritis and I believe she's been having tooth pain related issues. It seems to be worsening with her teeth and I don't want it to go septic. I texted my parents since Sarah said my mum was texting her back since getting to Panama. Ideally, I would like to take Sophie to the vet to get her on antibiotics and pain prescription sooner rather than later and then have a tooth cleaning appointment scheduled by my parents AFTER they're back. (They get back late on the 28th, I think it's like 10:30pm or something like that I'm supposed to pick them up at the airport.) But because I am actively concerned about the swelling and inflammation and pain from being touched and the smell worsening from Sophie, I said I was nervous leaving her alone on Saturday for symphony and a meal which is when Sarah and Mikaela offered I could bring the dogs to their house and then just laughed when I asked if they minded it being an all day into the night visit so I could add the BeauSoleil concert.

So i said I might write here more while I have the free time for introvert recharge. But it's been a bit of a contemplative quiet restful time with me this week -- mostly cuddling dogs and cat and reading and lots of tea. Not so much epiphanies or a push to act impulsively or anything of the sort. And my intellectual landscape recently has been dominated by the news and reading some black history month related book choices. Most of the books have been heavy and the news is, well, it is what it is right now... Today I just started an N. K. Jemisin trilogy I'd been saving and I'm about 1/4 through the first book and loving it! Helping to balance out the book on death penalty as the extension of lynching and finally getting around to reading Native Son.  And then there's the news right now... So while national and international events are depressingly/anxiety inducingly close to terrifying outcomes, I think it's important not to lose hope and to focus on the better that has been achieved and the better that can still be achieved.  And whatever you focus on, you feed -- I'd rather feed the seeds of acknowledging all the wrong and pain and cruelty and say "no more of that" and focusing on finding a better way through from here rather than focusing on the fears of where the worse paths could lead humanity.

On the other overthinking, not national and international world shaping fatelines. I was thinking. 

I've tried blind faith that reunion is inevitable this life. And that didn't work at the first shock that made me question maybe it wasn't what he was choosing for himself this life. 

And I tried giving up on that hope and trying to look elsewhere. And that didn't work because no matter where else I tried my heart was stubbornly fixed and everyone else no matter how good they were was making do with second best. 

And I tried setting him free of me so he could find whatever it is he's seeking. And that didn't work for me because something in him held on to the bond to me insisted I was at least a part of what he's seeking. 

And I'm tired of investing energy into things that don't work. I'd like to find something that does.

And I don't know what that is.

 So I think this time... Rather than assumptions and theories, I'm going to start with trimming away everything else except what I do know and try to grow from that bare root seedling. And what I know, what I am quite certain of, is that at the root of the bond is the truth we both share that says, "I love you and want you to be happy." There's a lot I don't know and a lot that we are both guilt of which has caused confusion/misunderstanding, but that bare root truth is a truth I know with certainty.

What his happiness looks like, I don't know unless/until he tells me -- and he can't know what I need for mine without communication. And I don't know that we're there right now after all the stuckness from the past that has us currently separated with such tenuous connections -- but I know that the only way to get there requires communication. People don't know what they don't know. And only by acknowledging and being curious and WANTING to learn what we don't yet know do we grow to be better versions of ourselves. 

And I don't know where to go from that acknowledgement of what I do and don't know and what to do with it, I'm not certain about that. That step seems to be where assumptions lead me awry when I just run on how I THINK I should be understanding/reacting. So instead of trying to draw any conclusions or act out on assumptions from that core truth until there's more that's real to work with, I'm thinking that just focusing on that truth and trying to nurture is the place to be right now.  

And I know that sounds very similar to what I had said about sitting in a place on inaction. but it's not quite the same. I still think inaction is the right course for me until I know more for what I DO (in any sort of active or reactionary sense) in the situation so I don't act from assumptions to make further missteps or miscues. 

But it's NOT complete inaction because I think its right and good for me to be honest about what I do know at the core/root of it and to focus on how to nurture that bare root of love so it can grow into something beautiful, of whatever form it ends up taking. And that includes things like just flooding down the bond toward him my love like a soul to soul hug of love light energy, just an inner affirmation of the ISNESS and to make sure he sometimes feels pouring into him the strength of the love from my side, just to be sure he also KNOWS it IS no matter anything else.

Right now it's not so much inaction as sitting in a place where my head and my heart are in alignment not disagreeing. It's being happy with what I have NOW while acknowledging I would welcome more and trying to be in a state of flow nurturing the root of the bond and accepting 3d real world life is complicated and timing is beyond my control at this time so neither impatience nor impulsiveness based on assumptions is going to help make things better at this time. 

When I KNOW the right path of action, I'm ready and excited to take it and find out where it goes -- but for NOW I will sit in inaction and flow and nurturing the root truth rather than creating unnecessary pain running off in a wrong direction on assumptions just because I want to do SOMETHING.

 So somewhen last week, I got it into my head that since it makes me so happy to get the random floods of love down the bond, I saw no harm at this time in me randomly pulsing love extra strong down the bond just to let him feel it pouring into him if he has the gifts to experience that. And often I know I do that when there's a reason for it or as I'm falling asleep or waking up, but I decided I'd just start doing it randomly whenever I felt like wanting him to know/feel it for no other reason than I felt like it. It's not like a big production or anything, more like the energy version of a hug and a kiss on the cheek and a quick, "hi! I love you! That was it" before carrying on with whatever I was doing. The first few times there was surprise as well as an intensity of joy and returning rush of love, and then the surprise stopped and it was just immediate joy and influx of his love pouring in down the bond. And it also made him randomly flood me with his love even more often than he has been in these recent months. 

There isn't really a point to this. Just acknowledging the isness of this recent choice and that I like the addition of it and feeling it's right/good for me to do. I want and hope to keep it up and not fall back into overthinking if maybe I shouldn't as I've done in the past. I'm going to keep doing it, at least for as long as it feels good and right and natural to me and welcomed from him.

That was it. Just acknowledging that I've been doing this and I like it and intend to keep it as a "just because I feel like it" practice.

 O right! Thinking of which! 

When I say I'm busy these next couple weeks, it's not like my March and April level busy with tons of shows and plans already in the calendar -- there's only symphony on the afternoon of the 24 and dinner with my symphony season friends for actual plans. I expect to get a lot of introvert recharge time in the rest of February! So it's a good time if you want serious thought or opinions or to tell me/show me something you want my full attention. 

I just meant that, since my parents are gone my schedule will be a bit upside down because of spending time with their dog Sophie evenings/nights and Spock during the days so really only being home during weekdays or quick stopping in over the weekend. And I will have both dogs under my care so I can't just gad off leave my dog with my parents like I often do for shows or roadtrips or festival weekends -- any plans I made would have to be shorter time spans near home or include the dogs or see if Sarah can watch them for me. 

My next two weeks are actually VERY unbusy compared to how I've been since like last August. I just won't have extended amounts of time at home introvert recharging, evenings and nights it will be at work and at my parents house except during weekday days when Sophie can be at work and I'm at home form like 9a-5p. And it means I can't GO anywhere without thinking about the length of time alone of the dogs who may need to go outside -- but it's not a bad time for shorter time span plans or ones that can include the dogs. Or just anything you want me in a good mood and to give you my full attention with time to consider thoughtfully.

I just can't go anywhere or make extended plans and will be limited in the hours I'm home rather than at work or my parents house with the dogs.

But my next couple weeks are actually very open if you can/want to work around me not being able to leave the dogs entirely alone for too many hours and the dogs and cat splitting my time between two homes, lol. And it means for the end of February you might actually get writing from me here, especially if I have a lot of food for thoughts or deep feelings to try to wrap my head around.

So there's that I wanted to clarify after that last post. Because the crazy busy plans with minimal introvert recharge time doesn't REALLY restart til March/April

Its after 2 though so I should stop being in sloth mode and go get ready since I do eventually have to drive to Milwaukee today for dinner before the Drowsy Lads show at ICHC. (I didn't even have the executive function to cut up veggies or cheese for cooking or making brunch/lunch after I showered, so I made coffee then grabbed a plate of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and herbs just dipped bread in that for my lunch. That's my level of sloth mode today, lol. I did decide to drink my coffee from my sloth mug though because I recognized my inner sloth wanting a sleep in snuggle the animals slow moving Saturday.)

Slow down you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? And you know that when the truth is told, That you can get what you want or you can just get old. You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through. Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?

 Hi hi!!! It's been what, like four days, five days by the calendar now it's past midnight, since I last wrote here. FIVE DAYS! Miss me much? (Of course you did. Silly question to ask, given you're here and all. If you hadn't missed me, why would you be back here, y'know? It's okay, you're allowed to call me out when I say silly/stupid/obvious things -- if you don't call me on it, the sardonic voice inside my head will call me on it anyway even if I don't say it aloud.)

It's been busy busy times in my life. Struggling to get all my hours in if I'm fully honest.

Let's see. Last week was seeing Nickel Creek on Weds. And of course that was just absolutely delightful!!!! I adore them, they've been a fixture of my musical life since high school when Lilly and Michelle introduced me to their music playing it in the yearbook and the mandolin with the guitar with the fiddle as a combination was just an absolute revelation to me! You can blame my love of Nickel Creek for my dabblings in newgrass and bluegrass and americana and roots and even some country as long as there isn't excessive or painful twanging on the vocals. I can't stand MOST country, especially country radio, but I do love Appalachian and bluegrass instrumentation and as long as the voice isn't pitchy in the way it twangs across notes, there are many vocalists who don't twang orange OR who have red-orange-gold colored voices so when they go sharp and blaze orange colors the note on the twang, the colors coordinate instead of painfully clash.  (They're mostly female vocalists who can sing country without it bothering me, other than Johnny Cash who really only has like a 5-6 note range and his twang goes flat not sharp which works with graying his deep blue vocal color. Theoretically a male with orangey-red or golden vocals where the twang burnishes it oranger but doesn't have an intense color shift by going sharply orange... But honestly, even Chris Thile who has a greening-gold colored voice that goes bright blue in his uppermost falsetto, when he twangs off quartersteps into oranging the edges of the green-blue I don't like his voice. He tends to do it when performing harmonies with someone who has a pitchy twanging country style vocal, but those are the Chris Thile songs I can't listen to....) Anyway, I adore Nickel Creek and I've been seeing them live since high school and I've met them all on more than one occasion and met up for coffee then cocktails with Chris more than once before he met his now wife. And to this day, Chris can walk on a stage, close his eyes and home in on my energy -- even when I'm front row of the top balcony at Overture Hall (which is like a third tier of balcony above the mezzanine above the circle above the upper orchestra.)  He did it this time, that's how I know even at that distance he can always still find my energy shining. He stepped out to his mic, said, "Ahoy Madison! It's been WAY too long and we need to come back here sooner. We've missed you so much. In fact," then he closed his eyes, walked from the mic forward to the side and said, "right about HERE" then tilted his head up and opened his eyes grinned and did the eye to eye "i see you" hand gesture right at me up there til I did it back to him and then he laughed said, "is exactly where I've needed to be."

Brilliant show! Love them dearly! Fourth show I've seen of theirs on the Celebrants tour that they started last year.  I'm a bit sad that Monica Martin, who I've known since she was a Baraboo high schooler friends with Matt who used to be in PHOX with her and some other Baraboo area friends, only opened west coast shows last year and is only opening east coast shows on this leg of the tour... I miss Moni and her hugs and drinking whiskey or gin with her and all the crazy stories with her... It's been over a year since I last saw Moni and got to hug her -- probably the last time she sold out High Noon Saloon, so maybe 22?  Anyway, I adore Nickel Creek but their tickets are pricey so I don't always travel long distances to see them. But to see Moni open for them, knowing how she and all of PHOX worship Chris and his various bands, I would consider it....

Anyway, that was a great night!!

And then last Friday a group of us had tickets for girls night to see Complexions contemporary ballet (based in NYC) for a performance called Stardust which was choreographed to Bach in the first half and David Bowie in the second half. It was gorgeous and they were all so fucking good! The second half, the Bowie half, was more lyrical classical ballet pas de deux elements and they connected to the music and movements and expression more, they had very jagged sharp contemporary choreography for the Bach. but it was all very beautifully well done. They were brilliant, and their physique are VERY athletic beyond typical ballet and their technique is ARDUOUS but it gets results! And I enjoyed that they came out for Q&A afterward.

Then on Sunday I did go watch the Super Bowl with my mum and the dogs and have dinner with my parents. 

This week, on Tuesday Mikaela and I went to the zoo to say goodbye to Bo. (the male polar bear.) He's full grown weight and virility now and while polar bears never hit menopause, Berit is 28 and has never conceived even with delayed implantation bears do, even with artificial insemintation so the AZA has decided to move Bo to a zoo with a younger female since he did so well with Berit in the hopes of the polar bear breeding program. And they did the same with Nuniq about a year before Borealis came to us from Toledo Zoo where he was born.... But Nuniq didn't mind wasn't sad about being separated and sent away, but Bo clearly DOES care.. he spent his entire time at Vilas following Berit around like a smitten puppy dog and never LIKED being far away from her or out of line of sight..They announced on Jan 24 that AZA made this decision and that the move would happen at some point in mid-February but they couldn't say exactly when or to where but they wanted to give people who love him a chance to say goodbye because he's a favorite of so many visitors, handlers, and of course Berit. They've separated the two and have had Berit denning as much as she wants -- and when we went to go see them, Berit was somewhere off exhibit and Bo was laying all the way at the back of the enclosure with just his head peeking out into the main enclosure, neck and head heavy across his paws in the doorway of the private off exhibit area the bears have. His body was just flattened to the ground and he just kept sighing staring around the enclosuere (the grizzly enclosure) with open access to the polar bear enclosure and he could go anywhere in either but all he wanted was to be back with his lady Berit again. And I've never seen Bo that depressed in the entire time he's been at our zoo... he's lost weight and he's not playing. He's just depressed about not being allowed to be near Berit. I've never seen ANY bear that depressed except my polar bear in dream form and that was only once, after I had the Seelie King put the bond to sleep until I chose to awaken it again.... I mean, Bo is so heartbroken and it made me tear up crying to see him like that..... I don't yet know where he's moving, it's for the receiving zoo to announce first and introduce the new animal and THEN the zoo they came from can say where they went. I hope that wherever he's being moved to, there will be snow. He ADORES snow even more than most polar bears -- fresh snow may be the only thing he loved more than Berit. Not that I want the breeding program to fail or anything, but I wouldn't be upset if Bo ended up staying.... They're hopefully that by the fall or next winter AZA will assign us another young male bear to pair with Berit (she's very good at raising and companion to young male bears after they leave their mother but before they're ready for full growth potential breeding pairing.) But it was hard to see Bo so listless and depressed.....

I went to my parents house that evening and had dinner with my mum and we watched some figure skating on dvr. While I was there, my da's best friend and who I've known my whole life passed away in hospice so he went to go be with Brian's wife Jeannine and other close friends to sit with the body keep her company until the funeral came for his body to be cremated.  Heavy night... And my da did text his sister (who considers Jeannine her best friend) to be sure she would know so my Aunt Linda spent all valentine's Day with Jeannine which is good because I was worried about that being her first day alone without her husband of like 40+ years.

Wednesday my parents and my best friend and I had tickets for Les Misérables -- which is one of those shows that you see and and every time you have the opportunity. Or at least that's how I feel. It is and always has been my forever favorite. I know it was Valentine's Day, but I'm single and Crissy is single and my parents said they didn't mind sharing their dinner  and show with their daughter and an adopted bonus daughter. My mum thought da might have a hard time with some of the deaths and I just looked at her shocked and went, "o no no no maman. Not the deaths. Empty Chairs and Empty Tables. That's the song that is always the survivor guilt kick in the gut. Every damn time. That's the song that might make him cry and will make him feel Brian's death. Be ready for that one, that will be the one that makes the fresh loss and all the other losses hurt."  This was a good tour but I hate that they now rush so much to keep the show under three hours... I understand the Union rules for it and child labor laws to make sure that the kids can curtain call legally.... But it just means that every moment that NEEDS to hold a note or is marked sustenado in the score gets trimmed as close to the bone as possible. So Look Down and Stars ALWAYS suffer for the trimming, and honestly even I Dreamed a Dream and Fantine's death don't get the time they deserve... Even the tomfoolery of the Thénardiers during Master of the House gets cheapened by rushing it all and that already HAS the clownish comedic element to ALLOW for rushing it a bit more than what sustained pathos requires.... 

But it was still Les Mis! And I still loved it!!! And I'm so glad we got tickets!!!

And tomorrow (today now, but I'm still at work and haven't slept yet) is heading to Milwaukee for a Guinness and chocolates and a Tallisk concert put on by Celtic Milwuakee. (Technically in Wauwautosa, lol.)  And then Friday night is Drowsy lads show at ICHC (also in Milwaukee, Irish Cultural Heritage Center being a converted old Catholic church with amazing acoustics using the main area (and even still pews and the broken old organ behind) for the venue and a full pub in the back warrens of the building. The green room for the band is the library archives of the Irish Cultural heritage Center.) Looking forward to both of those and my Irish (and some Scots; Tallisk is a Scottish band) music community family!!!!!

Then stupidly early Monday morning I'm taking my parents to the Madison airport as soon as it opens for an early flight to Panama (by way of Atlanta) for a while and I'll be splitting my time between my condo and work and the house I grew up in with both dogs (Sophie can't come to my condo) and my cat (who doesn't leave my condo except for vet visits.) And nothing but that dance and MSO presents Pixar scores symphony performance on the afternoon of Saturday the 24.

And then. I THOUGHT my life was slowing down to FINALLY get some hermit time... But somehow, my March/April has ended up insane with plans.....

~March 3 -- Aoife Scott show in Milwauke at ICHC in the afternoon THEN back to Madison fast as I can get us to Bur Oak for an almost sold out Skerryvore show with doors at 7 and show starts at 8... the ONLY Skerryvore show of their entire US tour we can make work dates after they came all the way from Scotland and have so many shows in the area... And only because Aoife's show is an early show in MKE. (Will also be starting off my morning dealing with some Milwaukee area ghost spirit cleansing if I don't do it on Drowsy lads day; I take care of things when I know about them and new friend in the Irish music scene Kiara tipped me off to some in West Allis need my attention.)

~March 5 -- The Coronas in Chicago

~March 6 -- The Coronas in Milwaukee

~March 9 -- Simon & Garfunkel Story at Overture Hall (with my parents; we've seen it before but the actors/vocalists are amazingly close in timbre and temperament to the originals)

~March 10 -- Celtic Tenors at ICHC in Milwaukee (evening show) 

~March 15 -- Skerryvore in Viroqua

~March 16 -- Natalie MacMaster and Donnell Leahy at Overture Hall (Cape Breton fiddle; she is one of the most beautiful fiddle players you will EVER hear; also her song Get Me Through December with Allison Krauss on vocals is heart rendingly gorgeous and a personal favorite.)

~March 17 -- symphony in the afternoon (funny that my St. Patrick's Day plans are one of the few non-Celtic music events in my March, lol)

~March 18 & 20 my grandma has daytime doctor's appointments for me to take her to

~March 24 -- Fiddler on the Roof at Fireside with my parents and Crissy

~March 29 -- Bailen at Majestic Theatre here in Madison

~April 1 & 2 grandma has two more daytime appointments for me to take her to

~April 5 -- Fraser & Haas at Bur Oak in Madison (still need to buy my ticket -- Crissy can't make it and Miakela/Sarah have been noncommittal back and forth if they want to join me or if I'm going by myself, lol) 

 ~April 6 -- Fraser & Haas at ICHC (also haven't bought this ticket yet; Crissy also can't make this show)

~April 7-9 -- Crissy and I are driving down to St. Louis for the solar eclipse. In 2017, we were at The Barrens winery, just outside Perryville MO and happened to be right where the x crosses for the paths of the total eclipses across the US. So we'll be driving to St. Louis on Sunday (staying at The Cheshire, haunted British lodge with literature themed rooms) then following the plan I WANTED to do last time heading south from St. Louis down the river -- before Denis tagged along in 2017 and insisted on wanting to get to Carbondale until I got frustrated with the traffic and said, "NO! Fuck this, we're going to cross the river to the Missouri side and i will find us the right place to be!" So we'll be heading out from St. Louis down 55 in hopes of reaching Cape Girardeau (where I KNOW I have some cleansing today because I keep being called there to do it, since I was a kid and we drive past/through on a family trip to I don't remember where -- Texas maybe?) and I've picked out two wineries (along highway 55 are all the old French stock wineries, some planted and places chosen before the Louisiana Purchase) open on Mondays that I want to hit up for lunch/dinner and wines if not to STAY for the eclipse if they're too covered. River Ridge Winery just south of Cape Girardeau for the morning if traffic lets us get that far on the day of the eclipse and then right near Perryville is Cave Winery where the vineyard is ABOVE the caves where the barrels are aged/stored and where you picnic and taste the wines. And then the extra night stay in St. Louis to have the Tuesday for St. Louis area things like 4 Hands Brewery (which we discovered the first time we saw Delta Rae at the Old Rock House and is now one of our always stops in St. Louis even when we're not going to any concerts at Old Rock House.)

~April 14 -- symphony

~April 16 -- MOMIX Alice contemporary dance based on Alice in Wonderland with my maman

~April 20 -- Art in Bloom at Milwaukee Art Museum. They take pieces and assign them to florists who create floral arrangements to go with the pieces and they explain the process of deconstruction/reconstruction and process. The whole art museum museum is open, but also the whole central atrium is full of flowers and music and sometimes an artist painting AND then the fresh flower floral arrangements paired with about a dozen or two dozen specific paintings. Went for the first time, frankly worth being a member (if I and a guest visit the art museum more than 2.5 times, it's paid for and I love art museums and if I have a membership I will go) to be able to get $10 tickets to Art in Bloom instead of $35 for it.  This year my mum and Sarah and Mikaela are joining us!

~April 26 -- Candide by Madison Opera

May is (so far) much quiet other than end of the month Frank Turner on May 31 in Chicago and June 1 in Minneapolis.

But then after June 1 Frank show, nothing at all (unless I can find ANYBODY to go with me to see Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks in Chicago on June 21 -- still nobody will agree to go with me except maybe Hannah if she and Emma and Alec come back stateside early enough for it) til maybe July 13 to see Nickel Creek & Andrew Bird in Minne (just announced, need to check with Crissy pickup tickets still but it's gen ad) but definitely July 17 Moulin Rouge tickets and then July 28 seeing Matilda at Fireside before we hit August which is three weekends of irishfesting (no OFFICIAL music announcements yet BUT Emma told us around hugs before heading to bed that we'll see her and Hannah and Alec in August AND in one of their livestreams, Seo Linn dropped the news that they have signed confirmed will be at Iowa Irishfest AND La Crosse Irishfest again!!! Iowa releases their music schedule on Saturday -- they always announce first of the Irishfests, lol.  Also though, Iowa is where we get to see Amanda and Darian and Mike for whiskey tastings) 

ALSO, caveat emptor about the absence of plans in June/July -- APT has released their calendar schedule of shows BUT tickets aren't yet for sale AND the calendar doesn't have 4 packs marked and those are cheaper for ordering tickets. Also, Concerts on the Square if we ever have any Wednesday's free for picnic and free chamber orchestra concerts on the Capitol lawn every Wednesday of the summer while it runs.

Apparently, I'm VERY bad at not filling up my calendar with music and theatre and dance and art and witchy things and wine/whiskey/beer plans.  That's what I'm telling you. 

But also, if I don't already have plans at the time you pick you can very VERY easily tempt me to make plans if you offer music, theatre, dance, art, witchy shit, wine/whiskey/beer, books, dogs, cats, horses, trees, stars, open water, mountains... Really it's pretty easy to get me to agree to making plans or going anywhere driveably close or a cheap flight away from me if you just pay attention to what brings me joy, lol. Promise!

But as of right NOW, my life plans doesn't slow down til May and June and July which are CURRENTLY pretty good bets if you're (hoping) to get some of my undivided unclaimed time.... If I don't gad off to Seattle area again because my sister has spent the last month hassling me every time they find good flight deals about how they all miss me (even though I was just there at Christmas and it's only February right now, lol) and the only reason I didn't take the Alaska cheap flight sin May is because I need to wait til my parents get back from Panama for my mum to figure out when they head west to their cabin in Montana and visit my sister's family in Seattle area and maybe my grandma and aunt in Oregon... Anyway. If you want me, May and June and July are when most of my plans are to be in the garden with plants and nothing more concrete if you want me and my unclaimed time and undivided attention. But somehow, my February and April are as full as my Irish month, lol.

May, June, and July. Those are your best bets if you want to see me or talk to me or happy surprise me or just want some of my time because you fucking miss me -- but not currently May 31, June 1, (June 21 please please please someone go with me to see Billy Joel in Chi), July 13, July 17, or July 28, lol.

[Post title: lyrics to the Billy Joel song Vienna.]

 Hi. Yes. Me again. I would just like to state for the record, that all day today there have been just these sudden rushes and floods of love down the bond. I don't know WHY, I just know IS. And the isness has been unexpected random floods of love and light pouring down the bond today. And it has been very heady whenever it happens and absolutely delightful as well as unexpected!  And I adore when that happens!!! Makes me so full of starlight shiny warmth of love, just poured into me and radiating right back out of me as the purest sort of love.  

Anyway. That was all. Carry on.

I have done nothing all day except stay in cozy pyjamas, snuggle cuddle with the fur babies in fuzzy warm blankets, make/drink tea and coffee, and read. At some point in the next several hours I'm headed over to my parents house to watch the Super Bowl (and maybe some more skating?) with my maman and the dogs and have dinner with my parents whenever my da gets back from the gym. (Sundays are the day he lifts weights and then does his laundry in the evenings.)  That means after I finish this last cup of coffee, I need to walk away from the book temptations and go get dressed and figure out something presentable I can do with my day long case of bed head squashed curl beast, lol.

But I am very happy grateful. For all the love light flooding in today. Really any time it happens. Today was just extra strong and heady and I don't know the why of it. But it gave me the heart glowing giddies and just so much joy and such a rush of, "o but I adore you too and I'm so happy you EXIST and that this love light IS and it can shine so bright between our souls!!!!"

 I haven't written much here of late. I've also been rather easily bored by social media so have mostly stayed off it other than occasional updates on Facebook for future memories to show up for me and my friends/family sharing the moments. Reality and the vividness of it is of more interest to me right now than scrolling through digital feeds like slot machines hoping for some dopamine jackpot post that resonates joy that can compete with the vibrantly messy aliveness of being fully present in my own life.  The silence here is not personal, I've just had a lot of life going on and nothing really to write about here. There's also not really been any major epiphanies or revelations I've been needing to work through to wrap my head around since that last one -- both my heart and head have been pretty quiescent recently on that front.

Weirdly, everything feels very much in flux to me, so much uncertainty that I don't even know if I have my bearings so I don't want to act (or even react) until I do. It feels like when you go swimming out deep in the ocean, past the breakers, where you tread water to bob with the troughs and peaks moving past you but never really touch bottom or know where each of the waves will break. Like the best thing I can do is keep my chin up and float and enjoy the way the view shifts as the waves roll under and around and past me and hope that nothing comes up out of the deeps thinking I look tasty.  That's just how everything feels right now to me.... A lot of it is how tangled the fate lines are and how opaque even tiny personal precogs are for me right now. I can tell another nexus point is coming, the moments that will rivet down and set the fate lines and limit them to follow only certain courses. Nexus points separate time into very clear before and after. Only. I can't SEE this one. I don't know what it is or how it will turn out or how it will guide and shape the fate lines. I can't even tell if it's a personal one or a world shaping one -- and normally I can at least feel the difference between those. I can just feel everything rushing into a coming nexus point that will separate my sense of reality into before and after and once I'm past it I'll be able to see fate lines clearer again. 

I don't know when it is, only that right now everything is rushing into it getting closer and closer to it. And I don't know what it is. But I don't feel any fear or sorrow or anger coming at me from the upcoming nexus point -- and strong emotions are the strongest waves that move backward, even people without clear precogs can get emotion based echoes creating an intuitive knowing before big events if they have even small gifts of clairsentience. Mostly, what I feel about whatever is coming is curiosity about what's next and a sense it is good for the best and a feeling of, "it's about damn time" but not in an upset or exasperated way, in a loving joyous sort of way. So I'm not concerned about whatever nexus point is coming, I'm content to just sort of of float on the waves of time's unfolding until I find out what the nexus point is and we're on the other side of it.

It's always a bit strange for me, the whirlpools in the fate lines muddying everything up in hopeless tangles as a nexus point is approaching, because it means all my involuntary flashes of precogs stop and even when I push and try to get glimpses reading the fate lines I can't because everything is a snarled tangled mess swirling into the nexus point. It's as close as I get to normal people experiencing time only forward linear, remembering only the past. Except that I still have some sudden instant knowing, I just don't fully see them until they smack me upside the third eye. Like when I mentioned in small group with Emma and Alec and the drummer (also a massive Billy Joel fan) I was excited for new Billy Joel music coming in early May and Emma (who had finished her post gig fries and was taking turns sipping her Guinness and rye pour) quietly corrected me, "February 1. The new song is out Feb 1. I only know that date because Hannah hasn't shut up about it." And my eyes and voice got distant and I replied, "Right. Yes. That's the new single. The first new music. But I meant the other new songs. That's not til May." And her eyes just got really wide and she said, "I won't say you're wrong, just that he's not announced it yet publicly or she would know." I smiled and said lightly, "O then don't tell her! I'm not very good with time after all, and while I think it's this May, I wouldn't want to disappoint her if it's not til next May. Hannah will be excited whenever she hears the news about the other 7 songs." And I could just hear the three of them but especially Emma wondering, "but how do you know there will be 8 songs, fey child?" But she didn't ask and I didn't say and Alec excused himself while the drummer and I talked about Tchaikovsky of all things then soon after that Emma interrupted all the other small group conversations to announce to the table she wanted the group pictures for the last of her polaroid film.

And I have no idea HOW I knew that before any of the announcements about the album release, only that I suddenly DID know with complete second sight certainty that the joy of hearing all his new songs released was in my future just after May Day. Things were getting tricky and tangled at that point, but not as much as they are now. 

I'll see again the futures as clearly as the past once past the nexus point, whether it's a personal or worldwide one, for now though I'm just a little more future blind than I normally am. But I'm not agitated at all about my current future blindness or about whatever the nexus point is. Also, remember, I asked not to have precogs of happy surprises, because they steal the joy out of the event unfolding in real timr. So I have an inkling this is somehow going to be a happy surprise of some sort for me, one that is also a nexus point separating before from after. And I won't peek or pry if that's the case. I could be wrong, but that's how it feels to me. 

Right now, I'm mostly focusing on appreciating the experiencing each and every moment I'm in, especially the things of joy and aliveness. The people and the dogs and the music and the art and the dance and the food and the drinks and all the light and all the goodness that are all woven through these moments of floating on the waves in the sea of time. Gratitude for what IS in my life right these passing moments while I have it and appreciating the joy in living each sensation as fully as possible. I suppose that's another form of inaction rather than overthinking, isn't it?

Happy sunrise!! Clouds are low here keeping it grey, but I know somewhere on the other side of them the skies are a painted glory. Even when I can't see it from the perspective of where I am, I know that is the isness of sunrises. So while mine is rather dreary this morning, I hope someone appreciated the beauty of the light painting colors of it somewhere else. And grey moenings demand giving in to all the coziness you can manage! So I'm going to snuggle with my blankets now and drink some more of my green dragon tea and read some more of my novel, probably finish it before I make my next cuppa tea or pot of coffee. I'm at the end of this book near the climax of the novel when the big race happens that decides everything and is the central heart of all the plot, and I'm in that place every bibliophile knows of feeling torn between wanting to devour the ending and savoring the unfolding and sad dragging my feet because the story is almost complete and then I say goodbye to these characters. I guess the book is also currently in a similar "just before the nexus point" as me... Maybe I paused to write this try to explain my inner state because I felt that recognition coupled with some overlays that have been getting stronger the last day or so of worrying about my silence and what it might mean. 

But right now, there are no inner storms in me, nothing threatening to drown me or anyone else. Just enjoying all my many plans and the waiting time between my present nows and the upcoming nexus point, floating on top of the deep waters out past the breakers where you can't touch the bottom no matter how big the peaks and troughs of the waves as time keeps rolling relentlessly in with the tide.

 Well yeah. Now that I REALIZE I've been guilty of that and how it has manifested and why, I can and I will try to be better. The thing is, just like every other human, I can't change what I don't see, I can't heal what I don't realize is broken. Now that I realize I've been carrying that unexamined premise and where it came from, I can try to be better and not let it influence me and my choices. But it will take time, the longer an unexamined premise sits in your mind and belief system, the more deeply rooted insidious it grows and the harder it is to dig out or even recognize when it's happening. I have every intention of working on it and being vigilant about it, but also I can't promise immediate or complete success. I can only promise that I will try and I will do my best. And hope that my best is good enough. 

And if I go awry or get to thinking/reacting from a place of wrong headedness, I would very much appreciate being called on it. I can't fix what I don't know is wrong, so if you see it and I don't then it is a kindness to tell me and help me be better. At least that's how I see corrections.

I can and should consider reestablishing points of contact with him, if I want them back. But that will wait til I have time to consider all the pros and cons of say following him again on insta....

And I'm sorry. For any unnecessary mess and pain that I may have caused over these years. I didn't realize I was doing it after the initial conclusions I drew, but that doesn't make the hurts any less real and valid, y'know?

 So. I think. It is important to me that I make very clear.

There is no one at any time who ever told me or in any way implied that the solution was for me to leave or that it was anything he would want or choose or be okay with. It was a conclusion I drew in response to what happened in October 2018 in the first place and then what happened in summer/fall of 2019 when I tried to bring it up to clean up the mess so it wouldn't weigh upon future interactions. And I did reach out and try, both privately and publicly, across multiple means of communication and I never received any response back anywhere other than defensive diehards victim blaming me on the public attempts to talk about it and seeing both personal and the band accounts liking the victim blaming responses other people made while completely ghosting me not replying in any way, shape, or form to me. (I did receive a response from a cousin of theirs who introduced herself as such, said that was an awful thing to have happened and insisted she thought it must be a mistake of some sort and the cousin believed B would make sure to fix it if she knew. That received no reactions from anyone but me, but it did happen.)

Anyway. the conclusion that I came to in the winter/spring of 2018-19 that the best thing I could do for him was to let him go so he wouldn't be caught in the middle of the mess and having that seed in my head ever since... That was a conclusion that I arrived at based on the situation and the information I had dealing with it. Any wrongheadedness in drawing that conclusion, the conclusion that I didn't WANT there to be tensions between me and everyone/everything his life was built around with him caught in the middle of that therefore I was removing myself from his options, that conclusion and any wrongheadedness in it is my own fault and my own evaluation of the worth I believed he would hold me and thus any pain it has generated is my responsibility. I take the responsibility for any wrongheadedness in that conclusion and any unnecessary harm by me drawing that conclusion and holding it in my unexamined premises in my subsequent behaviors... It was my conclusion based on the situation, the observations, and the information I had at my disposal. That set of assumptions and actions was not due to what anyone else said but to the conclusions I drew directly from what happened in October 2018 and how I felt it would/should/could impact him and my risk assessment for how to have him be impacted the least in his life and for him to be hurt the least possible by choices he didn't make.

But I'm sorry if me reaching that conclusion and moving forward on it or me continuing to hold that unspoken set of premises in my actions/reactions ever since October 2018 has been any part of making things harder or worse or hurting him.... That was never my intention and I am responsible for the conclusions and thus reactions I drew from what happened in 2018 and then the silence/ghosting/refusal to even acknowledge anything I said or did to try to make things better in 2019. 

And I'm sorry for any pain that my conclusions that removing myself from his life path options was in his best interests and his best happiness given the situation I found myself in and the logic/conclusions I arrived at from that situation. I acknowledge and feel badly for any hurt that conclusion turned unexamined premises in me may have caused him and I would like to make amends and make right the wrongs I did him (with the best of intentions, but intentions and consequences are not the same thing at all -- and it is consequences we must work with and build from, not the intentions behind them.) I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. 

I don't know what to replace that conclusion and unstated premise WITH, what is more aligned with his truth, but I don't think it's right of me to be running that assumption and reacting from a place where I'm thinking "just as soon as he's happy, I will quietly sneak away remove myself from his options because there's no place for me in his life and what he has built/is building his life around." I don't know what I ought to replace that unexamined premise with, but I don't think it's a healthy one, for me or him, that I have had even if I understand how/why I arrived at that conclusion/assumption.

And I don't know how I ought to guide my reactions or assumptions about what will hurt him or make him happier if I remove that assumption from my unstated premises. But I don't think it fair to him and I think it has caused him hurt I never intended to be running that assumption in me guiding my actions.

But i do believe that part of why I have seen the situation as insoluble and/or the best solution for him is for me to remove myself from his options is from the assumptions/conclusions I drew. And that if I want to find a better way of healing moving forward or to find a path out of this mess, and I very much would like that, I need to stop holding that assumption/conclusion in me that the best thing for him and the life he has built for himself and desires to build for himself requires me to deny what I want for myself and instead minimize points of contact with the end goal of quietly removing myself from his options once I know he's on a path to the happiness he's choosing for himself so he won't end up being hurt caught in the middle of this mess made in 2018/19.

The wrong headedness of that approach is my guilt and responsibility for the conclusions I drew from the situation I found myself in and that I couldn't seem to make right when I tried.

You want some of my honesty? (Or maybe you don't, I dunno, but here you are so you're getting it.) Here's my fucking honesty.

For the record. If you asked me right now what I want, after a delightful evening of food and French opera with longtime close friends and happy hour Pear Gin Rug cocktail, a Door County old fashioned (made with J Henry, the only bourbon this Irish whiskey scotch drinking girl loves) and two barrel aged stouts across lengthy dinner, and a double pour of Santory Toki whiskey neat to sip during The Anonymous Lover opera in French (Santory is a Japanese whisky, which generally means an Irish whiskey finished in Japanese oak.) Right NOW. What do I want right this moment? I would tell you that right now my inclination and desire is to want to say, "Aww, fuck the mess. Fuck the history. Fuck the overthinking. Fuck every block, real or imagined, between us. Just get the fuck here to where I am and let me wrap my arms around you and feel you holding me against you."

That's what you get bypassing the overthinking. That's it. Bypass all the fucking overthinking, cut through the Gordian knot of it like you're Alexander the Great and what you get is just a very clear, 'Fuck everything else -- just get your ass here and hold me like you're never going to let me go." That's it. Beyond the overthinking, if you want to tap into my heart hear from it directly. That's it, that's all of it that isn't just pure love that he IS. Just a genuine heartfelt desire for Eric best put into words as, 'Fuck everything else. Just get to where I am, let me wrap my arms around you feel you holding me like you mean it." 

And I just want to be VERY clear that's where my heart is at if you bypass my head and all its mess of overthinking....

I mean.  I KNOW that we can't just set aside all the overthinking and other people in our lives and history and all that... But also. Godsdamnit, all those factors have fucking complicated the shit out of the simple, non? So if I COULD just set them aside, I'd very much like to... And what else would you THINK there is inside me if you set aside overthinking?

And for the record. Tonight. Right this moment.  I would just like to set aside the overthinking. 

I intellectually understand why I can't have that right NOW, right this moment.... But that doesn't mean there isn't a very large part of my heart and soul that's pouting at this very moment that we haven't gotten to a point where I can just have that right to wrap him in his arms and feel his wrapped around me. Right now. tonight. Any damn time I want it. Every damn time I want it. Every damn time he wants it. 

I just think it's fucking stupid of us that real world quotidian doesn't have the space for us to do that. Right now. And every now when we both want it.

I'm not sure whiskey will solve how stupid that seems to me right now, but I feel that whiskey agrees with me it IS stupid and wants us to say "fuck all the overthinking" and just be together in spite of the rest of the mess of things. And the dog took herself to kennel and the cat is in the other room. So I'mma trust in the wisdom of potcheen and pour me a tuath glass with a dram of Highland Park's Spirit of the Bear scotch. 

But also. It's fucking stupid. WHY are we so fucking stupid about this when it's so obvious and should be so simple? WHY?!?!