The history/use of mesmerism/hypnosis and all the different people/places it has been used specifically in Christianity in America has been rather fascinating. It's specifically an American phenomenon as far as I can tell, which is also interesting to me... I actually got a little derailed pursuing the question about Deepak Chopra (whose teachings I've never actually read, he's always given me the icks even when people tell me how transformative and centering his works have been for them -- both his pictures and words always gave me the icks. In light of some of what has come out in the files released and watching the new age community squirm and try to come to terms or refuse to around it has been rather interesting. And, it also makes me question what exactly his teachings were and what they may have been gateways to -- but that's not something I intend to pursue at this time, just questions I'm asking. Like I said, he gave/gives me the visceral icks so I don't want to read his words, not even if I were gifted the book(s) or found them free.  I mean, i realize that sometimes for answers you have to wade into the minds/thoughts of people who give you the icks -- but I don't desire to engage in that research unless/until it seems absolutely necessary.) Curiously, Quimbyism (and thus Christian Science) has an early take on the concept that illness doesn't really exist, it's all created by the mind and you can cure yourself/others by faith and will alone. Which if it sounds New Age-y, it's definitely made it into modern spiritualist paths. 

My cat was most into the chapter on Cotton Mather of all the chapters in that book -- but also his picture in American Witches gave me the icks and so I don't want to search out or read Cotton Mather's diaries or anything any time soon. He also looked really familiar, but I can't quite place who in the regime he reminds me of looks like the reincarnation of his energy... It's been bothering me I can't place it. Griffin also pulled off the shelf with his teeth (tore the dust jacket but no damage to the book itself) a biography on Cleopatra that I hadn't read yet. So I promised him I would read it next buy told him no more trying to pull off in a way that damages the books and he is currently blocked from reaching the bottom shelves of that nonfiction bookcase just as he is blocked off from the lower reference books shelf. he's very excited for me to read the Cleopatra book, has been rubbing his cheek against it purring every time he can reach it and his head swivels around perks up every time you say the name Cleopatra. So far, all the books that he has damaged with claw or tooth have been hardcovers with dust jackets.... I still don't like it but also the two books he has pulled off 

I don't have much else to say right now. I'm very excited to see Skerryvore again tomorrow! (today now, lol) Not planning to see them Sunday in Milwaukee area because the Argo is like $46 per person tickets for gen ad and I have symphony tickets that day so wouldn't be able to head out toward Milwaukee until 4:30-5ish. I will be seeing them again though on Thurs the 26th in Green Lake and then again for the whiskey tasting at JJ's on Mar 1.  I'm excited to get to see all the Scottish Skerry lads again so soon! Especially since they won't be around here for irishfest season (they have shared other fests/shows they're playing in the UK right during that time period) so I don't know when next they will be back in the area. 

Um, I'm sure there are other things I have to write about or ought to say, but that's all I can think of for now so that's all you're going to get for now I guess.  

Wrote most of this before sunrise on Thurs morning, but didn't finish the last thoughts or hit post until early on Friday the 13th.

 So I've been doing a lot of thinking and researching this last month or so on the subject of egregores. It's not a term I had encountered until recently when it started showing up in many of my closed witchy groups as to why pouring energy into attacking those protected by an egregores just feeds the egregore and makes it more powerful. But basically, an egregore is like a gyre or whirlpool of energy portal created by the focused intent or belief of humans and if fed enough it can become sentient and powerful enough to try to use energy to protect itself and those whose existence feed it. 

Side note: There has also been a mass self outing of magat witches who have been removed from groups as they speak out about "since when has witchcraft been political" and forget about the hundreds of years of witch burnings/hangings... you know the type, those who took the anti vax far left turn so far they turn right but still call themselves spiritualists -- there's actually a disconcerting white spiritualism to trad wife magat pipeline and I haven't yet pinpointed what entity they opened up to that brainwashed them into the cult koolaid to serve that entity. But don't ever listen to the advice to just blindly open yourself up to whatever may enter when you're in yoga or meditation -- that's a white person version of the Indian practice and exceedingly dangerous! You never know what might be lurking waiting for a breach in your defenses to get it's hooks in you. Curiously, just as I typed up that question about not knowing what they opened up to, Griffin inexplicably lay down and started biting at this book pulling it off the shelf and destroying the dust jacket (yes those are cat bite marks). 

I yelled at him but took the book with me after he went back biting at it trying to pull it off the shelf a second time. This is the second book he has set claw or tooth to -- the first was using as a flat scratching post my dictionary of word origins (also hardcover with dust jacket) on my bottom shelf of reference books which I have since blocked him from reaching though he's still trying to figure out how to get to where it is. But I'm going to be very upset if this behavior continues destroying books and will definitely need to find a solution if it does... still this one seemed VERY book specific and it happened whenever I was thinking about that question of what they opened up to that creates that pipeline. So I peeked at the chapter headings and looked through the illustrations but nothing jumped out at me so just as I sat down to finish tapping out my thoughts about wondering what they opened up to to in that pipeline, he came over and sat next to me tail thrashing growling slightly staring at the book in my lap and when I presented it to him he bit at the spine of it AGAIN and I chastised him, "Griffin! We do no attack or destroy books in this household! I will read it to try to find what you're warning me is in this book but you're not to destroy my books if you want to live with me." He chirped then lay down on the carpet belly up purring and has been ignoring the book since. Also worth noting, he has been extra restless and protective tonight since I got home won't let me sleep keeps attacking things neither the dog nor I can see and trying to guard between me and my window and me and my doorways while I was laying in bed which involved a lot of hopping up on the bed and circling and laying down then batting at the air. Finally I gave up and played fetch with him for a bit then went to make tea and sit in my reading chair which means he only has one area to be restless protective chasing things I can't see.  Luckily, I wasn't sleepy because I had a bad migraine today from shifting fatelines/universes that was mad worse by ignoring trying to power through it yesterday evening/last night and ao I slept pretty much all day today until things settled when I went in to work after most everybody had left. (Curiously, being around other people tends to make the headaches worse and make me very irritable when the migraines are from timeline shifting -- the effects of the shifting are much more muted when I am not around humans and especially when at home. I think it's because other people who don't shift along with me in my bubble feel like anchors in the mud making it harder to move with the currents.) 

Anyway. Back to egregores. There's a debate right now in witchy circles about if spell casting the regime is working needs more energy poured into it or if it is feeding the egregore(s) making them more powerful. Which has had me thinking, "how do you defeat an egregores?" And the answer I found in magic circle is you create a mirror egregore that absorbs all the focused intent and uses it to starve the original egregore -- but now you have a new egregore even more powerful than the first and the only thing it has in its favor is that if it doesn't get too powerful, whoever created it can destroy it. So not (necessarily) useful. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Which means, the only way I can see to defeat an egregore is to remove the source of its power, and that is the collective belief/faith in the idea that has spawned it. So that's where to focus the attack -- to take out it's sources of food/power. Now the egregore created and used as a shield by the entity that came here started causing these timelines fluctuations as it burrowed backward to build strength for right now, the egregore propping up the egregore gyre of this regime is the all father twisted concept of God that evangelicals all bend their knee to which as far as I can tell was a mirror egregore of Odin that got grafted into the medieval church to try to destroy the pagan viking worship of Odin. All worship of God the father feeds this mirror egregore I call and consider the all father mirror of Odin's egregore, at least as far as I have been able to track this. (I've been hunting/tracking this entity since I was in uni both forward and backward down the time stream trying to find a precise temporal marker for it to call in the larger powers that can safely excuse it back to where it belongs)

So anyway, at an energetic level, the egregore needs to be starved and dismantled to take down the regime trying to build itself into a 3d chess position of unassailable power grab.  Then the baneful magic hexing will break through to hit their targets. And the best way I can see that is to shine clarity onto those who believe in and feed it-- to pour energy into them seeing through the illusions. So that's where I've been directing energetic overflow because from what I have observed and been studying, dismantling and starving the egregore has to happen first, or from the start so that the other shots can land instead of feeding the egregore and its defenses/protections.

P.S. I did skim through the book, specifically the newer chapters before heading to bed after sunrise then read the first couple chapters after waking up. It's not very well written (but at least it reads fast is not particularly dense) and it's very New England focused history but it has some interesting historical accounts of early witch persecutions en route to the US and in the US. I'll probably keep the book for the new stories it has brought me, but it's not particularly well written. I didn't find in the initial chapters or my skimming of the more modern end chapters what was making Griffin bite it off the shelf insist I read it to answer my question... I do have some new leads to explore though just from the skimming and I need to look more into the turn of the century Quimbyism and the development/evolution of Christian Science (most of what I know about mesmerism/animal magnetism/early hypnosis studies is from the English side of the Victorian/Edwardian era not the American gilded age.) And the path through mesmerism and hypnotism and peer pressure of group think within both New Age white versions of spirituality and in Christianity.... Because there's definitely a pipeline that seems to take some people so far left they turn right in the witchy/spiritual/New Age to magat pipeline...  I think there's some breadcrumbs there for me to explore to unwind what has been hidden going on in the shadows. I know I've had to clean a lot of churches and a lot of attachments in people who go too deep into worship services and they've told me that they are told to open up let down all barriers. Which is terrible terrible advice as far as spiritual health goes.... 

Anyway. As far as I can see the tactical battlefield in spiritual/energy/magic fights at this time (which are separate but connected to the real world quotidian battles being fought in multiple fronts simultaneously right now) : Focus energy on creating clear sighted seeing past the illusions to the lie within to disempower and starve the egregore before pouring any energy into baneful or justice driven spells. Otherwise, all your anger is just feeding energy and belief into the egregore making it stronger.

It's funny, Friday evening it started to feel like something loosened broke through that weird head state I've been in and started untangling all the over thinking and defensive fatalistic spikiness I've been feeling recently and my head started to let go of all the ways it had wound itself round in judgemental fixed this is how it's been and I don't want that so I'll just go elsewhere because I can't think my way out of fixing the messes of the past so I'm just going to focus on where I can put my energy in the tangled present of the fixed air head space. And on Friday night, it was just like the wound tight overthinking just... melted into this calmer mental space of just floating in the the isness waiting for the right moment to get exactly where you're meant to be when you're meant to be there.  And then early this morning I felt all those overthinking thoughts wound round my heart just... unwind and let go... and it was like I could breathe again and feel my heart beating again after so long feeling detached couldn't hear from it or feel it and that everything was going to be alright  And as soon as all the overthinking tied too tight round loosened and untangled like that, it was like everything came flooding back into my inner quiet and it was just full of all that music that's always echoing through it and flooded with all the love I haven't heard/felt for weeks now and I just had this inner certainty, "All the knots and tangles of the past don't dictate the path of the future -- what is chosen in the present is what determines between all the open fatelines. Focusing so much on what's gone wrong in the past keeps you blinded to what is right now and what could be in the future. You know that. You just forgot these recent weeks. Now you remembered so now you can be better again." That's the best I can explain it.

And then I had to put my Histortea book club for tonight in my calendar (slowing reading Chernow's Washington a couple chapters a month with 3 of my close friends who also love history) because I'd forgotten about it and so I actually looked at a calendar for the first time since finishing out my SVD assignments (not the Olympics schedule which I've been spending a lot of time with recently, but my proper calendars which are both astrological planners/calendars; and because of all the Olympics programming for me to watch, I'm very behind on my normal weekly astrology reminders) and I saw that early this morning was when Venus (love/money/heart) moved into Pisces and I just started laughing at the perfection of the timing of when I felt that shattering/melting of those bonds of my own overthinking/fixed thinking into the opening expansiveness once more within the quiet spaces of my own heart. And then just out of curiosity I flipped back to last week and laughed even louder that Friday night when I first felt the shift in my head space loosening unraveling those recent bounds of overthinking was when Mercury (communication/technology/head) moved into Pisces. 

And it made me laugh at myself. For all my Capricorn moon skepticism about astrology, it definitely helps to make sense of my own inner tides sometimes and things line up much more closely than I'd ever realized until I started paying better attention to what sign the moon is in and where the inner planets are. And the thing is, you would think I'd be more comfortable in Aquarius than Pisces because Libra sun/Mercury and fellow air signs (all air placements are overthinking) but actually Aquarius is one of the signs I just don't get it doesn't click with me at all. And then, I have three planets in Scorpio (including my Venus) and my ascendant is Pisces so I'm actually perfectly balanced across all the elements and modality if you include north node and Chiron in the chart EXCEPT my rising sign being Pisces tips me ever so slightly more watery and mutable in the balance. I'm actually most comfortable in my skin with my inner head-heart-soul balance the more planets there are in Pisces, Libra, Scorpio, Taurus.  I feel the most all over the place unbalanced head-heart-soul the more planets/placements are in Aquarius, Cancer, Gemini. And I feel the most neutral toward having those parts of myself balanced instead just completely focused on my life as I'm living it the more planets are in Capricorn, Virgo, Sagittarius, Leo, Aries.

And it's just funny how intense that release felt inside my head and then my heart as first Mercury then Venus moved out of Aquarius into Pisces. 

I just found it interesting the timing. And also, in addition to giving me a laugh, I figured I should be clear about that internal tidal shift for anyone who doesn't feel the tug and pull of the seas inside my heart/soul and the storms my head sometimes builds inside me.

Anyway, have you been missing the Astro Poets horoscopes? The ones this week are particularly lovely and once again bring Libra and Pisces back into that very obvious dance/conversation with each other after a while of beautiful but a stretch to see how they might connect. 

 

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 1/25 in Libra: Something is sparkling there with lilacs in bloom. As it were or as it will be. Every piece does not demand a core. And yet it suddenly was. And yet you want to stay as you should forever."

"Week of 1/25 in Pisces: Every sweet thing. Was said already. Say it again. Say with a kind heart. You are all kindness and light." 

"Week of 2/1 in Libra: Friendship remains. And that is what is said so sweetly. To rejoice in the right time. What reality that speaks. It is this one."

"Week of 2/1 in Pisces: Every piece that fell. Did so for a reason. Now pick up what you want. Make the thing. It’s yours anyway."

 "Week of 2/8 in Libra: Letting loose the birds and flying things. You let the light in, too. There was not a right way to say it. So you said it. So you dreamt exactly as you should have."

"Week of 2/8 in Pisces: Finally a dream. That was slept among the night. Truly a bright light. Greenish and pink. Lots of kisses because you love them." 

 

 

 

As someone who lives in the USA, it's a weird time to have the Olympics. I mean, I absolutely love the Olympics, winter and summer. I watch every moment of every figure skating (I watch the entire season of figure skating religiously, every year), snowboarding events (even qualis -- and I watch every x games I remember and realize the schedule), and ski aerials/halfpipe/acrobatic jumps and I watch the rest of it on prime time/late night highlights. I do really love speed skating as well, but not in a "watch every heat" the entire time way.  But watching the opening ceremony today, it's a really hard time to feel anything but shame to be American while this regime is in power with all the terrible things they do, no matter how much fierce pride and joy I have for the athletes themselves, especially those I have followed outside and beyond Olympic ice and snow. (And it's not lost on me that USA is supposed to hold the next summer Olympics in LA and the historic echoes with Hitler's Olympics and the mass incarceration sites called detention centers but the conditions currently known meet every textbook definition of concentration camps.... 

It's a hard weird time to be an American.... 

And I'm so proud and joyous for all the athletes! Especially those I follow throughout their competitive seasons in figure skating and snowboarding!  I just wish they had a country whose actions were worthy of the honor and pride in their home nation that they should feel during the Olympics ... I wish they lived in a version of this nation they should feel proud to represent and that I could feel like celebrating our country's medal wins. 

It's just a weird time to be an American, especially one living this close to Minne, watching the Olympics I love to watch and with so many athletes I watch throughout their competitive seasons. 

I dunno. 

(It's also weird to have Super Bowl during the Olympics. I'm rooting for Seahawks. And not just because I have family in the Seattle area and Monroe is a Seahawks fan (even though the rest of her family are Packers fans.) my parents are actually at the Super Bowl this weekend (so I am watching both dogs Thurs night til Mon night and only short times to spend with my cat during the weekend days) because the store sold enough Acers to be chosen as a vendor. So my parents are in San Fran, seeing the Killers and then in a suite for the game. I actually don't have any have tos this coming week (besides watching Olympics and work hours) other than the dog sitting this weekend until the 13 when my parents and Crissy and I have tickets to Kimberly Akimbo tour. And then on the 17 (Chinese New Year, new moon, eclipse, primary election, so much going on astrologically) I am an election official, but only assigned 1p-close not the full day because it's such a comparatively small election. And then after that some Skerryvore shows but I don't remember which days I'm seeing the Scottish lads. I actually wasn't expecting to see many of my international musician friends this year given all the everything, so I feel every chance a gift. Gadan last week and Skerryvore later this month. And we will see how the rest of the year plays out if I get to see any of them. On verra. )

anyway, it's just a weird hard time to be a  American watching the Olympics. (I do love the long toggle coats the America team have.) Which isn't helping at all my current 'nothing feels like it sits quite right in reality as it is right now' feeling of this Aquarius season..... 

Haven't written here in a while again. Was a bit busy with svd and then just sort of forgot about it until today when i wanted to write this down so I remember it don't forget it because it was so very wyrd. 

So ever since Mikaela arrived this morning to hang out and read and drink coffee/tea for the day, Griffin was being a bit of a demon cat this morning (as he does) but settled down once I realized I hadn't watered the plants like I meant to last night and promised the plants and him. (Plants "talk" to each other at a frequency cats hear and I genuinely think it gives them a headache when the plants get too loud -- both Spock and now Griffin bite at them to tell them to shut up if I go too long without watering them but then ignore them from the time they stop chirping joy in getting watered and the next time they get thirsty.)  Anyway, because he was being moody and attacking, I put Eric's playlist on for him and it helped but every time I got up, Griffin got feisty naughty attacking anyone who came near him and coming up to me feisty. That behavior stopped and he went back to his charming angel cat mode as soon as I finished watering the plants and they stopped chirping their joy. So I do think he just gets sick of that plants shouting and acting out is his way of saying, "can't you make them shut up?!"

The other thing that Griffin was doing today out of the norm is that EVERY time the first song on the extended version of Exactly What I Asked For would play (Griffin doesn't like his playlist randomized, only new songs added but never randomized), Griffin came over to my reading chair, hopped up on the back of it and then started walking across all the crystals and things on the shelf I keep my Tarot decks and Oracle decks. (Side note: I recently found at a used bookstore had to buy once I saw it a Nightmare Before Christmas tarot deck! It's used and I need to finish cleansing it, but I put it back in proper original order as part of cleansing each card and to check it has all the cards -- they're all there all in brand new condition and it doesn't feel like it was heavily used or connected to by whoever had it before me. It came in start of Jan per the price tag and so I think it was a holiday gift someone never used so brought in for some cash. Anyway, it's delightful! As an elf witch who adores Nightmare Before Christmas (everything about it except Oogie Boogie -- he is across the 'nope. That's an Unseelie darkness who won't keep his promises so we don't deal with' line for me) it's a wonderful mashup! I'm excited to cleanse it and use it the first time on a new or full moon on the other side of eclipse portal!) Anyway, Griffin kept jumping in my lap, climbing up to the back of my chair, then trying to climb on the book shelf where I keep my tarot/oracle decks, some of my crystals, my knife made from a railroad spike, and my horn handled magnifying glass (but not all my altar/witchy things, just the ones that I keep with my tarot/oracle decks and old astrological calendars from past years since I started saving them.  And it was EVERY time that intro song played and finally, I sighed in exasperation set my book down (in case of knocked over crystals I had to try to catch and/or pickup before they got lost) which jostled my phone which showing 1:11 as I set down my book and I asked him, "Did you want one of the decks consulted buddy?" And he put his paw on my Egyptian Art Nouveau tarot deck so I told him, "Alight, I will consult it. But come down off that shelf now. I can tell you're trying to be careful but you're going to knock off crystals it you keep this up." (Griffin likes to knock off and steal crystals and random rocks I've collected that I have all over the place -- he hoards them underneath my bed. So I have had to make sure that any could be toxic to him or are fragile or shouldn't get wet are stored in the glass bookcase.) 

So I  get the deck out and Griffin sprawls on the wood floor just past the edge of my oriental rug. So I take the cards out and I'm like, "Sir Griffin, did you want to pick cards? Or did you need me to consult it?" He meow-chirped at the second question and then I told him, "But I don't even know what you want me to ask it!" He just slow blinked love eyes at me then ostentatiously started licking his paw tail flicking waiting for me to begin. So I started shuffling and letting the deck flip out cards for me/him as I queried in my head and just continuously shuffled. 

This was what I got:

"What question does Griffin want me to ask this deck?"

3 of pentacles, 2 of swords reversed, 10 of pentacles

"Is there anything further Griffin and this deck are trying to tell me about?"

10 of pentacles, the lovers, the sun

At this point I was flummoxed. Like I got the message was about asking regarding lessons learned choices made and reaching legacy building contentment in life and the further info about the situation is a life that is a legacy full of goodness, love sanctioned by the divine (grab any classic deck and put the lovers card next to the devil card and look closely at the parallels and differences -- Lovers is divine sanctioned love freely chosen whereas devil is lust/temptation/chains we allow to bind us), and the childlike brightness of joy and success and celebration. But what exactly the subject matter to get to this or the context of what my cat and the cards wanted me to know, I had absolutely no idea just guesswork. It was at the point I was thinking "Ok, I understand the isness of the message -- but who or what the hell is this reading about?!" that Griffin got up went over and twined himself around the computer like cats twine around the legs of greeting people they love and rubbed his chin against the corners of the laptop, then came back to lay in the same spot and slow blinked at me again.

So I took that as Griffin's answer and I asked the deck: "Is Griffin trying to tell me something about Eric?" 

6 of cups, 10 of pentacles

"What is Griffin trying to make sure I know about Eric?"

6 of cups, the star, 10 of pentacles -- with 2 of cups on the bottom of the deck (when I went to set it down and the whole deck flipped itself in my lap between my legs from showing the backs to show me the bottom card -- I don't always check bottom cards, but this was very obviously a part of the spread)

Then I asked, "Is there anything else I should know right now before I put these away?"

And Griffin walked away curled up on his spooky cat tree for a nap and I shuffled the cars for an entire song focusing on that question and no cards popped out so I figured that was everything they had to say to me today. 

Honestly. I have never had 10 of pentacles come up like that EVER in a spread and I've never had the same card jump out like that for every single question asked/answered. Especially coming out upright EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I know it happens for other people, but it doesn't usually happen for me.  Now I generally think of 10 of cups as the "happily ever after" card whereas 10 of pentacles is the multi generational long term wealth and well being and enjoying the shared goodness of life.  I've never really thought that hard about 10 of pentacles before nor have I often received it -- I tend to receive 10 of cups as the promise of future happiness when I work with tarot cards. I received the 10 of pentacles more times this afternoon than the cumulative times I've received it reading for myself or in connection with me in my entire life.... So here's one take on the basics of it if it's a card that, like me, you've never really considered that deeply.

 

It's just interesting because I've been in a rather stoic weird headspace recently (in part because of what's going on and what I've precogged and also what I did right before "putting the entire US under a freezer spell" after brokering a dream space deal with grey Unseelie I don't typically work with but who will abide by the letter of their word, a dream space meeting between me and the Cailleach as their broker/keeper and with a lot of the goddesses and Seelie I work with mediating to be sure I didn't overstep myself or misspeak the promise or miss a loophole. I got angry and I was very clearly told off made to promise over half a dozen goddesses I asked about it that I'm not to cross the Mississippi hand myself over, and when I'm angry feeling impotent I make questionable choices. In this case I made spiritual alliance with morally gray Unseelie type spiritual entities bound them to new rules that gave them open season on any who sign a contract or give/follow orders for the entity behind what is happening right now in the US. The wendigos have open season to hunt take off the board all who cannibalize their fellow humans and have signed contracts (physical or spiritual) with this entity to serve or profit by the harm to others. They cannot recruit or go after innocents, just those marked by having signed over to this entity. And their open season territory was to be "everywhere that the Cailleach extends her reach under the freezer spell across this nation within this Aquarius season." So I've been busy, at least in the spiritual warrior realms.) anyway, so in a weird head space, not completely writing him off but more my head space has basically been, "The world is a mess and there are things I can do at the energetic spiritual levels that most incarnating souls cannot do. So if you are not consciously consistently choosing me and choosing to prioritize having me fully in your life, there are much more urgent areas my energy is needed right now and you are getting triaged out of any attention or any focus from me until that truth shifts."

Anyway, I have been questioning for a while now how real the bond is for him and if I need to give up on the idea of him and the dream of it to better focus on what must be done in this time. And this morning I have been debating with myself if I've only just been setting myself up for heartache of my own making by hanging on to hope with no signs at all he cares or knows or chooses it, especially with him once again in late January sharing from the band account I'm still blocked from (which made me immediately react, "nope. Not playing this game. I don't want to see you telling me "this content not available for you" bullying via ostracism from the band page. If that's all you have to offer that I can't sit at your table then I don't want to follow you on my socials at all." and unfollow him again.) Mostly not letting him even cross my mind or be considered, but when I do think of him these recent weeks I have been silent here focusing on the freezer spell working that I entered into agreement with the Cailleach to create to counter the entity protecting and puppet directing the current regime, but when I have let me think of him it has been in that stoic cynical, "he doesn't act as if he wants me or values me anyway, I should let go of pretending he might" reading of his choices already made and the pattern they have made that I'm done repeating.

So then I was just thinking that way again while writing out about the cards and the cat jumped up onto the back of the chair again, annoyed with me not listening to him, to demand again the deck not realizing I had put it back in the box but still had the box in my lap and once I showed him he hopped back down from the shelf with such clumsy speed he  knocked over a moss agate and nearly knocked down a tall stack of tbr books went to lay down and after I fixed the stack of books, my phone told me it was 2:22 as I sat down by him told him, "Look Griffin, I don't know what you want to tell me. So I'm going to lay these out for you to choose your own message for me." He purr-chirped and rubbed his cheek against the bottom card (still 2 of cups) to tell me he was ready. 

So I spread them out in a line and said, "right. So what is it you need me to know then?" 

He put his paw down on a section that when I flipped them was: 

The devil, two of pentacles reversed, five of cups, king of swords, two of swords, two of wands 

So I asked him, "is this still about Eric?" (Cat chirp) "About his past choices? Or about his present choices?" When I said past choices he chirped tapped the first three cards I flipped over and when I said present choices, he started purring rubbed his chin and cheeks against the two of cups bottom last card while setting his paw on the last three of the cards. (Yes, I know that with the two of cups on the bottom, that's all the twos of the minors in play.)

So then after studying the cards I'd flipped over I asked if I could put them back in the deck and when he pulled his paw back slow blinked at me I decided that was a yes and put them all separately back in randomly through the rest. Then I said, "okay. What is it you need me to know about Eric's choices or desires at this time?" And this time after shuffling, I very carefully went through the deck card by card moving it from my left hand touching each one with my thumb into a stack beneath my right hand and removing flipping over each card I was on when he soft paw tapped my thumb on a card. And the reading that my cat chose for that question was: 

Four of wands, queen of swords, two of swords, six of wands all upright. 

Then I threw a toy for the dog who wanted to be in the middle of it all wanted my attention while I sat on the floor and Griffin became more interested in fetch was done with the cards so after playing fetch down the hall with both the dog and the cat, I took the cards back with me and went back to write down the new readings here before I forgot them. 

And while I was writing that last reading from the cat about what Eric is choosing/desiring  but with a mental cynical, "right, like he's choosing that [quick reading: 4 of wands is celebration/marriage card, queen of swords is the minor arcana for Libra similar to Justice meaning Libra in major arcana, 2 of swords is a crossroads choice, 6 of wands is victory] given him continuing to take part in the "you're not welcome" behavior patterns the girls created and doing nothing to solve that mess it made. How is that supposed to happen given that mess and nothing being done to right it? How do we get there without healing the mess that was made complicating what should have been simple?" As soon as I got cynical thinking that way yet again, the entire deck (except those 4 cards I'd kept out to write up after I finished playing with the fur baby familiars) fell off my lap to the floor without me or anyone moving or knocking into them, splayed put like a hand and four  (three side by side and the fourth above the first two in the line) had flipped over out of the deck lay themselves out in response to my cynical thoughts: 

Justice upright (Libra in majors), King of cups upright (Pisces man in court cards), Strength reversed (Leo in majors; but reversed means the worst shadow negative unenlightened traits of the Leo sign) and then centered directly above Justice and King of Cups was once AGAIN the 10 of Pentacles upright. And right at the bottom of the deck splayed out was flipped over that same two of cups despite my shuffling earlier. But also, if you don't read it for sign significators, the king of cups is the central figure with justice (obvious meaning) on one side mirrored by reversed strength (strength reversed is bullying and ego driven defensiveness dominating choices, to contrast it with justice is to say that you can only receive justice by confronting the negative traits of strength reversed) and the only way to the 10 of pentacles outcome above based on its position is to lean into consciously choosing justice over bullying/ego driven defensiveness.

So okay. Alright. Loud and clear. The through line promise of continuously getting 10 of pentacles upright that many time is the promise of partnership and legacy and abundance and everything a good life can offer for now and generations to come and that promise over and over and over. I just need to not doubt but instead build toward it. 

If you don't read tarot for all the other spreads, ask someone who does or look up the cards yourself ... I may come back to analyze it in words here but also I may get distracted and ADHD forget. So look it up or ask someone who speaks/reads tarot to interpret them. It's a hell of a set of cards to jump or be chosen by a cat or literally fall to the ground to get the message through to me.  I couldn't believe my eyes and definitely asked Mikaela (whose family raised her a Jehovah's witness yet her mom let her grow up with me being like her bonus older sister even knowing my wyrd and eclectic beliefs and spiritual gifts) to verify the cards I was seeing and that I kept getting the 10 of pentacles even when they all just slid off my lap for no reason other than my thinking/questioning. 

I told you, my cat Griffin has only been with me since late October but he is very VERY staunchly Team Eric no matter my questioning overthinking or considering if I should seek other options. He will occasionally let me listen to other music though eventually he will go over to my laptop start soft pawing at it to change the music to his favorite -- and at home he flat out won't let me listen to any other music by anyone I'm attracted to or have been considering pursuing something with and he will actually come up behind it and push closed my laptop screen then try to lay on it until I promise to play him the music he loves best. He will also go jump up on the piano bench and start tapping the piano keys or walking/standing on the piano to ask me to play Eric's music for him. Griffin is a very smitten kitten for never even having met the man or even seen his pictures or video....  Also, Spock would pull certain books off the shelves to open to random pages like he could read, particularly my multilingual Egyptian Book of the Dead and any of my history books on witch trials, and then sleep on top of those books he pulled off the shelves, but he never demanded I take out decks for him or picked cards though he would sometimes inspect whatever I pulled for my own questions  And of all my tarot decks (in order of acquiring: Thoth, wildwood, dali, cat tarot, light seers, Rackham fairytale, Egyptian art Nouveau, and now Nightmare Before Christmas) Griffin insisted on the Egyptian Art Nouveau cat worshiping ancient souled deck?! 

I don't know anyone else shit like this happens to. Even when I'm trying to be mundane have a cozy day at home with books and music and coffee and quiet, this is my life 😂

That said, I still don't see a way to get there given what is unhealed and unspoken and the mess that was made of what should have been simple. The brightening fatelines, my cat, and the cards can say all they damn well please -- I'm just not seeing any signs of any of that shifting or changing for the better and I've stopped expecting it ever will, just accepting it is what it is and it's what they've chosen and stood behind many times over for many years now. And I don't see any place for me in his life or any possibilities of rapprochement as long as I am ostracized and uninvited and unwanted in any central aspects to his life. I could be wrong, but then tell me how that's supposed to work now... Because I can't see the way to square that circle. (But to be on the safe side, I added the last bit here of my truth of how my head is wrapping around where we find ourselves after I was at work with my dog and well away from both my cat and the cards of that Egyptian Art Nouveau deck so neither could be trying to chastise me knock some sense into my overthinking circles.) Maybe I'll see my way to holding faith/hope again once things move into Pisces and/or Aries and it's all about the feels and the fiery will, but right now with everything piled up in fixed air? All I see since the sun moved out of Capricorn is the long term lack of communication, lack of movement, lack of basic caring/empathy to change, and the  immediacy of the need for me to focus my energies elsewhere it can be useful for the greater good. And none of that points to reasons to hold faith in Eric or to think he has any desires or intentions of choosing to have me in his life -- no matter what my cat or the cards seem to say about the matter....