Bedtime? Bedtime. Bonne idée!

I've been awake straight through for far too many hours again (something between 36 and 40ish hours) and driven to Chicago and back (Shamrock Tenors concert at IAHC, doors at 1 and concert at 2; sadly Tom had "laryngitis" (aka too hungover to make soundcheck) so only 4 of the 5 singers, but they had completely restructured their entire set for 4 soloists dividing verses and 4 part harmony intervals rather than dividing up between 5 soloists and 5 part harmony intervals. For their entire 2 hour set.... And they have protestant church choir style harmonies, not Irish-Scots Appalachian americana blood relative types harmonies, so those very technical precise choral training kind.)It was really interesting to see and dissect how different they performed the 4 part vs 5 part with om too sick with laryngitis to join them.

 

Also. The real reason I even started this was because i went through my emails before heading home... And it definitely made me feel some sort of way when I saw this because holy fuck but the Astro Poets Horoscopes came in fucking fire for this week for Libra and Pisces. Like what the what?!?! And ain't no other signs even remotely like this, none of them even have anything at all whatsoever to do with even the word love let alone like this... It definitely took me by surprise when I saw it and had to re-read it multiple times to make sure it was real not projection or desire or dreaming because dayumn... 

"Week of 3/30 in Libra: Love extends everywhere. You are loved with the warmth of every season. Now as the echoes of poems go into the seascape. Now who you can still call to. That’s whoever you want to."

"Week of 3/30 in Pisces: What is yours. You do not need to know now. But you will find again what you most wanted. Love and a sweet citrus in the air. That’s everything to you now."

See what I mean? That was what I wanted to put here before sleep. Because even with having followed the dance and conversation between these two signs for well over a year now, I've never seen anything like this. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean for this week for it to be that crystal clear, for both of them..... Which is why I wanted to share them before my week got away from me and it got mixed in with next week or something like that....

Anyway. Bedtime now. I'm actually already in my pyjamas ready for bed, sipping chamomile tea and barely keeping my eyes open about to migrate to the bed turn the lights out let the animals curl up on/near me and sleepy time. If you need me or just miss me and all the words, find me in dream space or later in the week during not sleepy time hours.

My lover's got humour, She's the giggle at a funeral. Knows everybody's disapproval, I should've worshipped her sooner. If the heavens ever did speak, She's the last true mouthpiece. Every Sunday's getting more bleak, A fresh poison each week. "We were born sick," you heard them say it, My church offers no absolutes, She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom." The only heaven I'll be sent to, Is when I'm alone with you. I was born sick, But I love it, Command me to be well. Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen. Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies, I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death, Good God, let me give you my life.

 O right! Thinking of which.... 

Just because I acknowledge that my brain sometimes defaults goes back into thinking old patterns and repeating them to me until they start to sound true doesn't mean I LIKE them or WANT them to be true any more than me thinking them could make them his truths. It's a remnant of where we have been and the choices made in the past -- but it ain't got shit to do with anything I DESIRE to be true for either of our present or future paths/choices/feelings. It's nothing I want to be feeding or growing inside me, I'm pretty certain in my better moments that it's a way of thinking to be fought until that inner demon is finally slain and completely out of lives/reboots/zombie resurrection attacks. And time and intention and newer evidence that contradicts it will help me get rid of those biases. It's just important to me to be honest that they exist within me because otherwise I'm going to have a very hard time clearing them out if/when I have reasons to trust they're false. And I don't want to make present or future mistakes based on the bias of old ways of thinking/reacting that aren't true now (if they ever were true) and the best way I know for me to do that is to be conscious of it not let it sit buried inside me an unconscious bias feeding doubts and over thinking. Y'know? 

And if I'm transparently honest about that being some part of the way my brain thinks/reacts, then if I don't catch it right away when it takes me down those dark alleyways in my head constructed of good logic on really shitty premises, it means more sets of eyes can recognize the pattern and just call me on the bad premise before I go too far with the conclusions. Like, let's say I'm pursuing those conclusions, it's really easy with me to pull me up short put a complete stop to all of that overthinking and me hurting myself (and others) with my own conclusions completely fabricated by my brain if you can just tell me, "But you are a part of the happiness he seeks and central to the life he wants to build for himself" and there's evidence or reason enough in you telling me that to be a more significant premise than the old habits of thinking to the contrary. With me, if you can identify for me and point out to me what my really shitty false premise is, you can completely collapse and destroy my over thinking or stoicism trying to make me accept something I don't like and defuse the potential for that all to supernova explode in our faces before I hurt myself or anyone else with my thoughts/conclusions. 

It's one of the hacks into my nature that is really important to know and that works every time. Another important hack with me is that laughter is always my emotional reset no matter how intense my feelings might be and if you can get me to laugh first, you will always be dealing with the happy optimistic playful logical intuitive solution oriented better versions of myself. (The only time that doesn't work is if I'm hangry so I'm overly short tempered irritable -- and then the hack is to feed me THEN make me laugh to set me back to my emotional factory defaults, lol.) 

But yeah, if you can call me on conclusions built in my own mind from good logic on bad premises and you can make me laugh to reset my emotions, you can really make magic happen fixing any of the problems you might have with me whether they're born of my head or of my heart. 

Also. While I was sleeping late Fri night through Sat morning, I had another polar bear dream. But a cozy one, not one of any difficulties or separation. Very cozy snuggly, just holding and being held in love with nowhere else either of us was wanting to go or be or do. I did ask him, "are you sure this is your choice? I'm terribly wyrd..." And his answer was, "I've never been more certain and focused in my life than I am about choosing you for my life, waking and dreaming. If you'll stay with me." And I just snuggled in closer hugged him tighter told him, "That was all I needed to know from you for me to stay. You're stuck with me for keeps as long as that's your truth." It was a very beautiful sweet cozy vision dream. And throughout today I had so many new to me precogs with him in them. I don't know what shifted, but it's been a very long while since I've had this many glimpses with and about him...

Also. I would like to state for the record. Today (well yesterday now but I didn't sleep at all last night because I wasn't tired and now Crissy will be here to pick up me and my dog at 8:30am so we can brunch and still make it to Chicago for 1pm doors show.) wait. Pause. That parenthetical got away from me and I want a mulligan on the original sentence/thought! Today (well yesterday now) was World Piano Day (it's always the 88th day of the new year) and I spent my entire Saturday with .y head flooded full of piano melodies and parts I've never heard before. Which would make way more sense if I actually played the piano instead of having one to get melodies unstuck from inside my head but not practicing or playing regularly at all. None os the Saturday piano pieces playing inside my head in my inner quiet spaces were songs I knew or could place. I'm not certain they were mine that I was tuning in to hearing like that, so I didn't want to try to play them out of echoing in my head and then them being lost, but I am certain they were beautiful and I hope to eventually hear them with my actual ears not just my inner ears. And, I will admit to singing the melodies aloud to my dog with nonsense filler words while watering all my work plants and playing fetch whenever she brought me a ball/toy to throw for her. 

So, I guess, Happy Day After World Piano Day.  I hope you celebrated it fully and appropriately even if your head and inner quiet wasn't as full of unknown new piano melodies and songs as mine was on Saturday. 

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. I'm going to drink my very tepid tea now and go back to reading because I don't love this book just sort of want to be done with it tbh. Also. My phone is under 30% so I should probably does something about that and charge it before it's accidentally 8:15 and I never even plugged it in 

Also. Somewhen between now and Mon evening, I need to figure out buying things for me to pack something that doesn't need to be refrigerated at all for lunch/dinner/snacks for Tues working all day. Which would be easier if my kitchen/pantry were better stocked than it currently is so it wouldn't require shopping. Bah humbug. No idea when I plan to fit that on, but I guess I'd better make it happen because I don't even have any fruits or nuts or anything like that to easily pack for me to munch on throughout my 6a-close shift...

P.S. 5:05am addendum: oooh! What a lovely Spring thunderstorm and downpour!! It's only 36F outside so no windows or balcony door open for it, but the rhythm of the heavy rain on the roof with the rolling rumbles of thunder were a gorgeous dark before the dawn symphony!

[Post Title: lyrics to the Hozier song Take Me To Church. I heard it on the radio in the last several days and it's been stuck in my head intermittently at the most random times ever since then. Only, the version in my head isn't in Hozier's voice, it's a cover of it I've never yet heard with my ears but my brain insists would sound really amazing.]

 Mreow. FINALLY got that title for the Scion taken over to CoPart early this afternoon (after taking Miss Waffles O'Whoofigans on a walk around the large block to enjoy the gorgeous day before the weather changes again) AND then was able to get the rental car gassed up and returned by 3:30 so that if they had anyone waiting on it for the weekend they could maybe turn it around yet tonight AND when I added up my hours so far, I only needed like 1 hour 40 mins more to hit my 40 hours for the week despite myself so that tomorrow I can come in clock in start in on getting next week's hours in ahead. (I'm very spoiled and I recognize this -- I considered many career paths and never yet found anything I wanted to do for work to build my life around so I decided that as long as I could cover my bills I wanted my work to fit around my life and what brings me joy. Luckily, the family business is older then me (making more like a middle child even though I am actually the eldest) and my parents love me so I'm spoiled enough by circumstances that I get to completely set my own hours whenever I want as long as I get my 40 hours in and my work is done and also I bring my dog(s) in to the office with me (they even watch her in admin in the office so my dogs don't get left alone in my flat if I have errands or take off for shows or something) and I get paid to take care of my garden areas and my 100+ indoor plants in the computer store that looks like a greenhouse, lol.  And I absolutely definitely game that to allow me to get paid for a weeks worth of work and still go to as many shows/festivals as I desire/can budget AND I've definitely been known to cram 40 hours of work in at the start of one week/weekend and then 40 hours at the end of the next so I can just go travel for over a week or so without using up PTSO time and thus extend my paid time off. At some point my parents will retire and I'll have to figure out what the hell to do with my life and what even that looks like to be a proper adult with a real job or to have to write a bloody damn resume to get past the ai overlords and reach a human... But that day is not today and future me will figure out my path somewhen in the future -- Universe has a way of providing for me and spoiling me and things happen in exactly right magical timing if I just let it unfold naturally. Drives my type A engineer brain Virgo sister completely batty how well that works for me so far.)

 Anyway. Even the workaholic perfectionist Capricorn moon in me is pleased with me right now for getting all the tasks done I had set as my important goals at the start of the week to make sure I did before Saturday (even if I waited til ADHD procrastinated nearly last minute to get it done despite having all week to do it.)  I'm going to take my dog and go to my parent's house to eat some chili and drink some red wine and watch World Championships of Figure Skating (it's this Weds-Sun in Boston, so we will still have some more to catch up on at some point just not next week Tues as I will be election official working 6am til close, lol) with my maman while da plays online cards with his friends in the other room. 

Ciao bella. Have a lovely Friday, whatever you decide to do with it. 

P. S. Ilia. Fucking. Malinin. Even if you don't know much at all about figure skating, go watch Ilia Malinin, especially this season. He does jumps and has his own signature move that even other competitive skaters say should be impossible to physics with the human body in earth's gravity -- and nobody else can land some of his jumps/combos and he makes them look so nonchalant easy. And he's still only in high school!

 *yawns* I haz a sleepy. Not mental/emotional exhaustion not enough spoons to do the things need to just collapse, more of the physical body telling me, "shhhh girly, quiet that mind running in circles! You've been awake for way too many hours now and we'd really like to do the system resets. So can you just get yourself home, get cozy ready for bed, drink some chamomile tea to help calm you down knock you out, then snuggle down under the covers for some nice dream time recharge?" That sort of tired.

It's funny but I had all those words this morning and they felt like FINALLY the right words to try to explain the two opposing forces inside me these recent weeks getting my emotional seas all a-tumult and once I got that second post from my heart into words form it just sort of all calmed down inside me into this tranquil dreamy gentle sunny waves on the seas that everything will be alright, it will make sense and come right just wait and see. Made no logical sense, but somewhere after that second post and before going to pickup my grandma it just all calmed into that inner promise of peace and joy and it will come right. And now tonight I'm all wordsed out just like, "haz no more words, has sleepy, let's curl up for some dreamtime, yes?"

This morning I wrote both those after showering, the first while sitting around wrapped in towels sipping tea watching the sunrise and then the later one after I was dressed with coffee while sitting around waiting for them to finish doing the annual test of the fire alarms in the condo building scheduled for 8:25am. And for like the first time in my time living here, half the unit owners weren't present though we received the emails of the schedule last week and they didn't leave a key or anyone there so the new condo management services were frantically trying to call weren't sure if they could finalize without checking the pulls in those units so they asked me to wait around just in case -- though I did tell them I had an appointment I couldn't move would have to leave by 12:30. So even though they stopped by my unit at like 8:30 scheduled at 8:25a to test my fire alarm pull, I had to wait around instead of making it over to drop off that dang title to Copart like I had planned for my morning. (It's just that it's on the far side of McFarland where it meets Cottage Grove, so it's like half hour both ways across town and has to be done between 8a-5p during their business hours. But also, since I have a relatively easy choice in the matter, like hell if I want to send my only copy of the title through the mail unsigned and who knows if it will arrive safely.... So tomorrow (today now) I'll take it over there, on the other side of sleeping though, before I fill the rental car with gas so I can return it while insurance is still covering the rental which is through tomorrow (today now) just long enough to be able to head out to Linden and take grandma to her appointment. Prius is ready for me to drive a bit make sure it's working well, been sitting a lot over the last year at work, and then Ross will come take the decals off and after I get the insurance money from the Scion will sign over the black Prius to me so then it will be under my insurance not work insurance. Just not there yet and next step to move that along requires dropping off that dang title.)  And the thing is, it could have been a lovely cozy slow morning reading with coffee and fur baby snuggles (cozy when not interrupted by the loud blaring of the fire alarm tests in the hallway, lol) EXCEPT that in my head I had somewhere else I wanted to be to just get that done off my checklist -- and yet again not able to compete the simple task of driving across town and back.

Ah well. Tomorrow. (Today now.) I do need to get it done though, it's been weighing on me all week that I've not yet managed to do it all week... Sometimes, my ADHD time blindness go with the flow nature of being a Libra sun Pisces rising Sag Mars absolutely bedevils the life out of my Capricorn moon just wanting to get the things done so they don't sit heavy in the back of my mind...  

But today was a good day for getting things done despite the morning. I DID get grandma going early enough to leisurely drive her through the neighborhoods instead of the highway over to her dentist appointment and a little early instead of late so I could give them the information on her address changes and grandma was in a very good mood.

AND, after dropping her off and a short visit before letting her rest for a bit before dinner, I had the perfect amount of time to go get my early in person absentee voting done at the library!! And I'm actually very relieved to have gotten that off my mental to do list and done!!! 

(It's only a Spring Primary, and our last election of the year in Wisconsin but it's actually ridiculously important so of course it's scheduled on April Fool's Day... Our state Supreme Court is actually a very important race that will decide majority of left leaning vs right leaning justices for the cases on gerrymandered districts and the governor's new non-partisan fairer maps and if the state abortion law from like 1847 still being applciable, even though it's technically nonpartisan, there's been more money spent on this primary in ads than any state Supreme Court race ever and the muskrat has a pac that is literally offering people in the state $100 to sign a vow not to vote for anyone dangerously politically biased with every few days a chance to win a million dollars for agreeing to vote for the conservative schill from Waukesha area who is just awful maga-cult.)  So I at least got that done before the opportunity ended on Saturday -- because next Tues my election official shift is 6a til close at one of the largest polling places on the west side so won't be able to go to my own ward to vote in person. Which is fine because I got moved to a church instead of the elementary schools I used to have for polling place which I always loved because I would buy from the PTSO bake sale to reward myself for voting and help fund the school extra curriculars however the funds were used..

 So anyway, I DID go and vote at the library for my in person absentee voting and get that done before they closed! And then I went to work with the intentions that Crissy would join us after work to finalize our APT ticket purchases for the preseason discounts before they go on general sale not just previous patrons. AND, I learned the night before that March 27 is always both World Whiskey Day AND World Theatre Day, so unbeknownst to anyone else i decided we'd be sipping whiskey neat while figuring this out so my evening goals were perfect celebrations of the holiday. Although, after finding the seats/date for Sarah to pickup the two four packs for Midsummer Nights Dream, I managed to get annoyed at something minor and locked up the entire ticketing service in my browser to not be able to scroll or select seats or move forward a purchase but ONLY on the plays/dates I needed to buy, all the rest worked fine. It made me laugh but later on I still couldn't get them working had to get my laptop out to place my order (but I squeaked it in before midnight to still count as World Theatre Day purchases, lol.) We've got all the tickets purchased, though we do still have extra tickets in our second four pack counts for both the Shakespeare plays (Midsummer Night's Dream and Winter's Tale -- which has been my absolute favorite Shakespeare play since I decided to read the complete works for the first time one summer in middle school, and it's NOT just my favorite because it's the only Shakespeare play with a bear as a character in it with stage directions) and then for the late season end of October play 39 Steps. We'll figure out, we just still have unclaimed tickets within those four packs we've already purchased.... 

So World Whiskey Day and World Theatre Day celebrated then just hanging out with my dog and inputting/alphabetizing til I got such a sleepy I thought I'd right here before I head home...

Saturday Crissy and I are going to get together to tidy up our back and forth vaguely even (ish) until recently of ticket purchases (concert and theatre) so far this year so we can even out before we hit Irishfest season. (we've already bought some of our irishfest tickets at bogo early bird St. Paddy's Sales, but we will even that out separate from the year so far.)  Having APT purchases in the mix helps with figuring it out -- turns out bffs who both enjoy concerts and theatre take turns buying lots of tickets to things. Plus, we still have to pick up the gen ad tickets already on sale for Penny & Sparrow at the Majestic end of April, Bridge City Sinners at High Noon in May, and The Coronas at Beat Kitchen in Chi in midweek Aug (but adore them enough to go down to see them in the midst of Irish season, and they're proper Dublin Irish folk royalty since Danny and Roisin's mam is Mary Black of the Black Sisters) and once we figure out who's up or down and by how much we can decide which of us is picking up which of those tickets, lol. 

And then my life gets a bit too busy for a bit not sure how I will fit all my hours in for next week even with planning to work on Sat...though I guess I do still have more hours than I think I do to get some work done.

Sun 3/30: Driving down to Chi to see Shamrock Tenors again at IAHC and catch up with Amy and Misti (Irish music friends)

Tues 4/1: Poll working 6a-close

Thurs 4/3: Rescheduled fillings on the left side

Fri 4/4: Rescheduled filling on the right side

Sat 4/5: Skerryvore in Viroqua

Sun 4/6: Art in Bloom at the Milwaukee Art Museum with Mikaela and Crissy (this is a fun annual Spring event the museum does where they assign florists to pair with paintings and they make floral arrangements inspired by the art that are then displayed alongside/in front of/in conversation with the artwork -- it's become a lovely floral Springtime tradition for us girls to go; but Sarah (M's mom) isn't joining us this year because she's still recovering from foot surgery.) 

Mon 4/7: Skerryvore Whiskey tasting and VIP concert -- I don't usually like "pay extra VIP things" because a lot of them have early admission/reserved front of stage seating for the extra fee and I feel like that destroys the point of gen ad shows that your love of a band isn't measured by your wealth but your commitment to showing up as soon as your enthusiasm for the show allows. Butt the Skerry lads hold these on separate days as completely separate events small shows and they're Scottish men curating incredible Scotch/whiskey selections

But AFTER that, life slows down for some sunny cozy days of nothing in the calendar until 4/13 symphony tickets and after THAT nothing but checking in cat sitting Henry (Crissy's cat) while she's out of town a couple days until Black Violin on 4/25 and then I think Penny & Sparrow may be 4/26. And, I do LIKE having concerts and theatre and art museum tickets and excuses to travel to see people who I care about for me to look forward to -- it IS important to have planned happy things you love to look forward to. But it's a balance not to over plan or over commit because there's something I've always loved about the mystery of blank pages left unstructured unplanned in my calendar and all the happy surprises that the blank spaces might hold for you to make into bright lovely memories. Whenever I see a stretch of days with nothing but meteor showers and moon phases in it, it always feels a bit the way I feel when standing on the shore of the ocean and staring out over the horizon, dreaming of what sort of magic and mysteries and happy surprises are waiting for you just over the horizon beyond your current line out of sight. Even if you do nothing but be as cozy hygge happy at hame as possible by staying home to read good books and cook delicious food and listen to piano music and take the dog on long walks, the promise of having all those hours/days that could be filled with whatever treasures the world has for you just always feels magical to me. It's the promise of mystery and discovery and surprise not an ought to in sight but only the want tos that I always love about when I see a span of unclaimed blank days in calendars...

Anyway. That was more words than I thought i still had in me when I sat don to write, but there's a bit of a catch up chat glimpse into my quotidian after the morning's  honesty from first my head and then from my heart. And now I really am so fucking tired I really must head home (yes I will watch out for deer on the drive home -- it's only like a 6 min drive, but there's a lot of wildlife live between my home and work even though in the city and so beyond rabbits and raccoons that also means deer and fox and coyote sightings at night are quite common for me. And once a Black dog ghost suddenly appeared in the crossroads behind me to keep me from going back the way I had come then disappeared; but that's another story for another time) but o wait before I do! Here's a lovely bit of art cross my fb feed that I loved very much and is very much my current feeling and what I want right now is to drift away into that sort of cozy peace in the picture, so I shared it tonight even though it's waning crescent moon approaching a solar eclipse not a full moon like the image:

 The image was paired by Rivers in the Ocean with the caption: 

"Hope sleeps in our bones like a bear waiting for spring to rise and walk.~ Marge Piercy
Art by Paula Belle Flores"

I want to try to remember to find this piece and see if the artist has prints of it I can buy for my bedroom. There's something just so peaceful and cozy in it and somehow also when I look at it I hear the instrumental parts of Billy Joel's Lullaby inside my head...  But seeing about if I can buy a print of it for my bedroom is a quest for future me to remember to do, the future me on the other side of sleep after I'm safely home. Because somehow it's already nearly 3am?!

P. S. Made it home safely, no wild animal sightings tonight BUT the southwest skies were dancing full of lightning flashes from the thunderstorms rolling in!!! It's a warm front so tomorrow (today?) will be like 78 during the day which is the first to nearly 80 here, but it's still only 45 and I don't think that's warm enough yet for me to open the windows and fall asleep listening to the rain and the thunder. Soon it will be the summer storms for that, but not quite yet.

 All that last post said is among my truths still, as it has been for a long while now.... But right alongside it is important for me to be honest about another truth: 

I have never known anything brighter or more full of love or that feels so much like coming home or more incandescently luminous holy/sacred feeling as when the heady strong love light comes pouring freely down through the bond between us. I've just never experienced anything like that in any other context or with any other soul or  in any relationship of my own that I've had in the past while waiting for him to want me enough to choose me. There's just nothing else I know to be like that or to be full of light and love overflowing that same way. 

And that's just a truth of the isness of the bond for me. It's how I experience it when it's full of love and hope and strength, not blocked or closed off or one of us chooses other paths/relationships to invest in so it's not a free flowing connection.

And that's just as important a part of my truth as me acknowledging I currently still default to those learned ways of thinking about what might be for his greatest happiness to have in his life this lifetime. 

These things are both simultaneously true for me despite the cognitive dissonance and tension it causes and it's why I've not yet been able to say "enough is enough, I'm done" just completely detached let go, given up and washed my hands of everything to do with this situation. I've come close, but never yet managed to completely see through the walking away without looking back or feeling pulled back by his hurting after I try to let him go for the sake of his choices and his happiness. But time has worn me down is exhausting me and every iteration of this same pattern I get closer to walking away and not letting him back in for the remainder of this life. Which is why even knowing how bright and full of powerful love the flow down the bond is, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep choosing to reopen up to him after he chooses to fall in love with someone else build himself a life I can be no part of ... I just don't know how many more times I have it in me before I just leave it shut down and closed off and accept we have reached the point that from here we must both must walk separate life paths this lifetime. I just don't know, and I don't trust I can do it again without knowing for certain that it matters to him and he's holding tightly onto his side wanting it for himself this life. It's just been too long wearing me down with having to accept these conclusions from the past choices that seem to leave no place for me in the life he chooses to build.

And. Even if I do have to give up on it in this lifetime because I genuinely think he's wanting other people elsewhere not the pull of the bond with me and anyway there's no place for me within his life....it would only be for the remainder of this lifetime I'd close it off for him not to reach me while he pursues whatever other women he's in love with and I pursued whatever other men could bring me a life full of joys and love this lifetime. It would only be closed off for the remainder of this life giving up on reunion THIS time. Not for always, just for the remainder of this life. 

I'd still rather not have to give up the connection and how soul filling unto overflowing and healing it is with that much love and strength pouring through it, but I will knowingly do it if I truly believe doing so will give him the happiness he chooses and seeks in his life. But only for this lifetime. I'd not be giving up forever on reunion and having that connection open full of brightness and love, just giving up on it in THIS finite lifetime we could have shared a life path on. 

There's an important distinction there. And also it's an important truth to know nothing with anyone else is even the slightest bit like the bond/connection to him is for me. And that I know now with full knowledge exactly what I'm giving up when I offer or decide to do so thinking it is for his greatest happiness he's choosing for himself that I would do so. 

*shrugs* there's a lot of opacity for me in all of it. A lot of free will choices not yet made so I can't see which fateline is followed... And I need to drink my coffee in my mug faster now that the fire alarm test at my condo is done moved on to another building. So I can take the rest of the coffee in my to go mug and go drop off the dog before taking my grandma to her afternoon dentist appointment... Before maybe having time to in person absentee vote before meeting to finalize the up the hill APT ticket purchases with people. (Still haven't dropped off the title or voted, between dislocating my shoulder like that on Monday wasting a whole day sleeping in bed for it to heal and migraines due to solar/barometric pressure shifts, it's been quite a week with very little to show for it in tangible accomplishments thus far in my world.... Did see Shamrock Tenors last night, and Tom from Choir of Man is also a member of Shamrock Tenors, and enjoyed them enough Crissy and I decided worth the early midday drive down to Chicago on Sunday to see them again, lol. First week of April is currently RIDICULOUSLY busy for me, but then I do have a 2 week gap with nothing in my calendar except checking on Henry while Crissy is out of town. Also the Seder and Easter, but my family doesn't really do anything for either any longer sooooo yeah. )

 I. Look. I've spent something like a decade now teaching myself and repeating to myself that I need to let Eric go for the sake of his happiness and what he built his life around because he doesn't want me. And that's a long time of telling myself that and lessons that will need unlearning if that's not his choices or his truths in this lifetime. It's far easier for me to slip into the hollowed grooves of assuming he's in love with someone else, especially those I experienced through the bond to him the intensity of his infatuation for them while he was falling for them, than it is for me to believe he would choose me or the bond or that it matters to him. That doesn't make it right or true when I assume that, but you need to understand that it's something like a decade in building this habit of assuming this way in my ways of thinking and my default in processing EVERYTHING related to him. At this point, it's far more natural to me to believe he's in love with another woman, especially those he ever truly felt might be "the one" for him, than for me to even consider he might be wanting me or meaning me or trying to reach me. And that doesn't alter his truths, his truth is what it is and he knows it better than anyone else could, but you need to realize it's a huge part of my subjective abilities to interpret how he communicates his truths at this point and it's going to take quite a bit of unlearning and evidence to the contrary before it's going to start to stick inside me that he could have found a value in the bond and might be wanting/needing me in his life. 

It started with the overlays waking me up to the realization he'd fallen in love with someone else wasn't searching for me seeking me like  he had been and I knew he had been, that somehow we were tangled round each other at a spiritual/soul level but she was awakening in him such strong emotions that I needed to let him go and end the connection causing the overlays from him to me in order for him to have the happiness he wanted for his life. It wasn't the first time in this life that I'd received overlays from him experiencing his moments of strong emotions but it was the first romantic/relationship related overlays and thus the first time I felt they were wrong for me to be receiving and I shouldn't be and I needed it to stop because this wasn't my business or my place or anything I should be seeing/experiencing from him having it inside me and my memories. I still don't think it right, it's why I try to shut down and mute and close off the bond whenever he falls in love with another woman and the overlays start (and they ALWAYS do when he feels anything strongly, I get glimpses through his eyes/heart/perspective of how he feels it -- and it's never bothered me except when it has to do with him falling in love with another woman and me receiving overlays of the strongly emotional for him moments of building that relationship. That's when I think it's wrong for me to be receiving and I start to fight to close down the bond between us to make the overlays stop. I've done it every time in the past and I can promise you I will do it again in the future if I find myself receiving overlays of him falling in love with another woman again. I can't tell you if it's more ethics or being hurt by it, but it gives me the ick so strongly that I shouldn't be a third party to what he's building with some other woman that I will use every rationalization and tool and ally and technique I can find to close off the bond to stop the overlays whenever it happens. If he puts me in that situation again, I will react in the same way until I find a successful way to shut down and close off the bond again.) 

That's where the seed of me believing I'm no part of his happiness he's seeking or choosing for himself was born and we've all seen the sort of weeds that can grow from that seed and how quickly they choke out everything else and how I will repeat it to myself no matter how it breaks my heart taking it in as his truth until I believe it true BECAUSE it's hard for me to accept as truths but the overlays and him sharing about being in love with some other woman is more than enough evidence it IS true, at least for that bit of time/space. 

The other thing that made me draw the conclusion that there's no place for me in his life was only born in 2018, a mere 6 (6.5?) years or so ago of me telling myself there's no place for me in his life as he has chosen to build it. And I've told that story here enough times about the girls blocking me on insta (first Liz on her personal, then Britt on her personal, then less than 24hrs after Britt on her personal somebody on the band's official account) and how I was only ghosted by every avenue I tried bringing it up to the band or various band members and victim blamed attacked by fans of theirs when bringing it up publicly EVEN ON my own personal socials without tagging the band but mentioning the band by name. I don't need to tell it all over again. Especially since I just did go through retelling it all back in July 2024 when I unfollowed Eric's personal insta because across a several day span when I didn't have enough spoons for fighting the emotions it brought up inside me after he had shared multiple things to his stories that showed up as "This content is unavailable for you" meaning it was from the accounts of his band or his sister or one of his best friends who all three had blocked me in 2018 and the last I tried to look any of them up a year ago, they all must still have had me on their block lists on Instagram because none of the three show up in a search. (I still have not followed him again or even looked up his Instagram account from mine since last July when I unfollowers him because honestly what good would it do me when the same patterns will inevitably play out again at some point because it involves his band and his sister having blocked me in the past, both of which are very integral to his life?)  As far as I am concerned, the band and his sister and Liz all wish not to exist to me and so I've spent 6.5 years teaching myself that they are dead and do not exist and that those are pillars of his life where I am unwelcome and unwanted and can be no part of. And that's rather a big deal when it involves both his sister and his band that he made his entire life built around. That's why it's been close on 6.5 years now of me repeating to myself that there's no place for me in his life and I am not welcome or wanted there -- because those are some major areas of his life and some of the most important people to him who have very explicitly told me that and never been willing to even try to heal or change the dynamic or even talk about it when I tried. 

So after so many years of this particular set of stasis points created by his choices and the choices of those dearest to him, it's a lot more normal seeming to me to assume he's fallen/falling in love with some other woman he is choosing to seek his happiness with and that there's no place for me in the life he's built/building for himself. It doesn't mean that's currently his truth, but it is a hell of a lot easier for me to believe and I have now been mentally conditioned to believe to be his truth across these years. And it's going to take quite a lot of concrete choices and changes and evidence to shake that for me to unlearn all these years of those two lessons/conclusions so I don't automatically default back to them. It's not impossible, it will just take consistency and tangible reasons and evidence to the contrary before I would ever start to default to assuming he might want/need me in his life and be interested in me. We can't just go back to how it was/could have been back when my default set of assumptions was that he was seeking me to build his future with and that fateline was inevitable -- because right now it's been too much time and too many lessons and too much continuous choosing to abide by repeating the same evidence that taught me the lessons that I am not any part of what he wants or needs or chooses for himself and I'm not even welcome to be any part of core aspects of his life as he has built it. We're different versions of us and we can't just flip a switch and have all that history disappear revert back to who we were before these lessons and choices happened. Everything learned across these years has to be integrated and healed and unlearned and hopefully made right if it went seriously wrong -- that's how lessons learned in a life and across lifetimes work. And yes, sometimes there's growth and change enough that you need to unlearn parts of what you learned, but you have to do it in ways that acknowledge the truths of what happened and the damage it caused and how you learned from it that's not any part of what you want. You have to start from honesty of where you are NOW and how you got there and what in the learned responses are lessons and what is ready needs to be healed and unlearned. 

And that's just how it is. And until that happens, my default assumptions about Eric (despite myself and what I want to be true or would prefer to believe) are going to keep reverting back to "he must have fallen in love with some woman who isn't me that he's choosing to pursue thinks is the one for him" and "there is no place for me and I am not welcome or wanted in core pillars of his life as he has chosen to build it." There's only so much shadow work I can do on my own with those conclusions, especially when I am given or reminded of the evidence and events that led me to those conclusions and then repeating them to myself until I accepted them as his truth no matter how deeply it cut me to accept that and to then choose to let him go and walk away from him on those terms of letting him have the happiness he was choosing and seeking for himself. 

And the temptation for me of someone like Diarmaid is, quite honestly, that in this life it's all new beginnings and potential and happy surprises and joy that can't be contained or hidden when we see each other. It's a completely new to me path for this life that ain't complicated and has no unlearning and I have every reassurance from every form of divination and precog peeking and Divine being I have asked that path is full of joy and goodness for me if I accept that path -- and all it will cost me is letting go of the lingering stubborn hope inside me that maybe this time is different and this time Eric has finally come to realize what the bond is to his soul and he's finally wanting/needing to choose me being in his life as his choice for the happiness he's seeking. And it's been a long time now of choices Eric has made and those he trusts/loves have made in his name and me repeating to myself the truths/conclusions of those choices to make me accept that no matter how much they hurt because I don't want them to be true he doesn't want/need me for the happiness he's choosing and I'm not wanted or welcomed into the most important people and things his life is built around -- it's been a lot of years of beating down that stubborn flame of hope that maybe this IS finally a life we can find each other to get to build something brightly beautiful together... It's a wonder that little spark of hope hasn't been beaten down entirely but it's really damn close to going out, it has been for a while and it's why somewhere between the equinox and solstice of 2023 I just got so tired of even trying and decided to just accept it at what I've been given from him/them and to release all remaining belief in me of him someday choosing me this life as tying him to me and instead to focus on who/what chooses to be in my life. Which is why there's so much temptation now for me to just fully embrace and accept these two lessons beaten into me as his truth that he's spent so many years of choices teaching me to accept despite how much I hated these conclusions how deeply they hurt me and for me to put out that spark of hope in him and for me to instead choose a different path where I open myself up to the love that's there on that path choosing me if I will choose it. 

That path to Eric isn't closed yet (in part because both David and Keith have other girlfriends right now and the physical distance in space/time and busy touring schedule makes it harder for Diarmaid to even see me in person) Eric's not yet out of chances to turn this ship around and help me unlearn my belief that those conclusions are his truth, but that process will require understanding that it's been my truth for years and remains still my truth at this point to default to telling myself I need to accept those conclusions to be Eric's truth and what he wants and that anything that seems to support them is going to swing me back to that stoic acceptance that the best thing I can do for Eric in this lifetimes is to let him go and close down the bond as best I can and it doesn't matter how I feel about that because it's what he is wanting and is choosing and thus is best for him.

And I'm sorry if that feels hard and unfair and a lot of work... Unlearning and healing IS a lot of work, sometimes the shadow work is harder and more work than the events that led to learning these behaviors/conclusions in the first place. But also. I'm not the one who fell in love with other women convinced me that they were his soulmates and the one for him AND I'm not the one who blocked me told me I'm unwelcome and unwanted in core relationships and pillars his life has been built around. These aren't things I ever wanted to be true and they're not lessons I ever wanted to learn, they're things that have happened due to other people's choices and I've done the best I could to incorporate these truths I was taught by the choices made in the past and use them to guide my own choices and paths that are open available to me for my own life path. I can't help that the default conclusions these things taught me is that it is his truths that he doesn't want/need me because he's in love with some other woman not me and that there's no place for me to be welcomed into his life. I loathe those conclusions and they hurt, they always hurt but they hurt worst whenever I question if maybe they aren't his truth and then he makes choices that make me feel maybe they still clearly are. 

And I'm sorry that's all such a mess. It can be untangled and it can be healed, but it has to start from the place of acknowledging the isness of where we are now and how we got here and what we are working with. Otherwise, he's just going to meet another good southern girl in his hometown and start to fall in love with her with the encouragement of his sister yet again that maybe this woman really IS the one for him and then I will do whatever I must to shut down the bond from reaching me with his overlays and these cycles will repeat themselves yet again -- and I don't have the strength to shore up anything other than final acceptance this IS the truth of his choices and so the best choice for his happiness and my own lies in me closing down the bond for good not leaving any way for it to be reopened in this lifetime and me choosing to pursue a life path for me with someone else who brings light and love and joyousness into my life. 

And somewhere in 2023 I just got so tired of it only mattering to me and so many years of his choices reinforcing those conclusions that I finally fully accepted the death of the dream that this life might be one we finally find each other build a life together again... And I'm still so exhausted, I can't keep that dream alive for this life on my own, and without it, I'm going to choose to build my life path elsewhere. I'm sorry, but it's just been too much for too long and I just don't see enough worth fighting for anymore to hold onto that spark of hope and that dream if it's not even anything he values or wants in his life.... I've accepted those conclusions as his truth so deeply into my core that there's an inertia in me toward even hoping I was wrong, because to hope leads to more hurt again the next time choices are made that confirm the conclusions I've spent so many years forcing me to accept as his truths. He's going to have to teach me his actual truths if they're different and start from the place of understanding how/why I came to believe as I have and to be gentle but persistent when I get it wrong default back to those assumptions that have spent so many years ossifying inside my beliefs that the evidence I had told me those conclusions are his truths... 

Because I don't want to, but also I know I will get it wrong and I will default back to those assumptions because it's been a lot of years of choices that created the confirmation bias that those conclusions are his truths that he doesn't want/need me because he's in love with some other woman he's seeking to find his happiness with and I'm neither welcomed nor wanted in the core pillars his life is built around. I'm telling you now admitting that if that's not his truth, I'm going to get it wrong again default back to believing it anytime anything seems to support that and it's going to take time and effort and tangible evidence/proofs to help heal and for me to unlearn holding those conclusions to be his truths. I'll learn if he's certain about what his truth IS, but it will take time and consistency before those old ways of thinking conclusions stop being my default assumptions whhtout evidence to counter it

 I completely failed at doing either of the two things on my planned list for today. Completely failed. I will have to try again tomorrow to make both things happen before I start getting tooo late in the week. (I have no plans tomorrow other than my mother wanted me to come over and watch skating with her and is making chili without pork so i can have it while da is hosting cards -- they will likely have pork in their chili if it's cheaper than the ground beef, just not in mine because of my allergy. Actually, that is one of those many things that I don't know about Diarmaid, the things that make it more of a casual crush I'd pursue if there was a path but I don't expect there to be one -- I have no idea how he'd feel about having to give up bacon and all pork to date me. Or at least, he wouldn't be able to have it if he wanted to kiss me without me throwing up or potentially breaking out in hives. I don't ask friends/family not to eat pork unless we're splitting food or they want to try mine or we're cooking a shared meal, but with dating it's a bit different because what's the point of dating if you can't kiss? And what's the point of kissing if it's going to make me throw up and dry heave because the guy ate bacon or sausage or ham earlier in the day? I mean, you can eat whatever you want I suppose, but you can't kiss me if you've been eating pork and I won't have it in my home because why would I want to risk it? The fact I'm allergic to pork and how high the sensitivity to it has become is, like my witchy gifts being broom closeted, not something that has come up in any conversations thus far. Like, they have to situationally come up for me to bring them up. But it is my truth you have to give up eating any form of pork if you want to kiss me due to my protein sensitivity allergy.)

So why didn't I go take care of dropping off the Scion title and voting today as I'd planned? Well. because. While I was sleeping, I managed to roll over in such a way as to completely dislocate one of my shoulders. Not just minor subluxation which is a relatively normal risk for me with my hypermobility, but fully dislocated out of the socket and everything over pulled/stretched around it. hurt like mofo and woke me up wanting to scream but all I could really do was gritted teeth put it back where it belonged, but I have no idea exactly what I did or how I rolled over to manage that.... So I slept all day to heal, with both animals laying on me not letting me up -- the cat specifically laying on the injured shoulder purring.  It's still not 100% but after like 14 hours of sleep to accelerate healing, it's better enough I can use it and do things without intense burning pain all through the shoulder. I just watered the melodramatic plants yesterday and don't have a big watering of everyone until Weds or Thurs (probably Thurs, Weds night have tickets to see Shamrock Tenors at Overture Hall) I'll be fine, just wasn't allowed out of bed by the animals until I wasn't hurting anymore. (I have to be REALLY careful with hot yoga due to the hypermobility. I enjoy it, but the extra heat loosening up everything makes it very easy to dislocate multiple joints if I have a teacher who pushes for more flexibility without understanding how easily that can lead to dislocation.) So that's why I failed to go to CoPart or the library today to drop off the title or to vote -- I dislocated my shoulder while sleeping and had to sleep to accelerate healing before it was usable again... (Whenever I'm sick or healing, I turn into Sleeping Beauty, my entire body just shuts down so it can accelerate the healing process -- but it means I sleep a LOT of hours until the healing is finished to my body's satisfaction, lol.) 

Anyway. I don't think I was being fair in my last post. Or at least, not giving a fair perspective of things. 

In the first place, we are coming up to a bifurcation of the fatelines -- and I can foresee down both clearly but I don't know which one we go down because there's a lot of free will choices that haven't been made yet. Both remain in the curriculum of what people need to live through who didn't learn about it in past lives yet -- still in accelerated learning/review time.  IMHO, from what I can see down them, true revolution is better, even if it feels more like Civil War without clear territorial boundaries, surprisingly down that path the survival rates are higher and those who live through it will be less damaged. But we are past an age of reformers working within the system hoping they can can save the system -- we are at the point of the fall of the old system and the space made for something new to replace it. Democracy as you knew it is ended because there's no habeas corpus and no fig leaf rule of law or division of powers any longer -- so something new is coming, what it will be is the penny in the air.  And your choices right now are White Supremacist Christo-fascist technocrat broligarchs or revolution/civil war and seeing what is grown/rebuilt from the rubble. I'd rather take my chances on what new can be grown/built from the rubble with the lessons learned from all this because there are paths to beautiful greener true clean tech Gaia revering futures there and the brutality and suffering of the other path is beyond anything most people currently alive can imagine... But I can't see which one plays out because it could still be either, there are still free will choices to be made that haven't been made yet so I can't see which it will be. It depends on a lot of people, and not just within the USA. Messy as this fight will be, I'd rather be here than anywhere in mainland Europe or in the south Pacific or the Middle East with what's coming in those regions between Putin, Xi, and Netanyahu/Iran proxies... We shall see what happens, but it gets bleaker before it gets brighter. No matter which of the potential fatelines of the democracy devolving into either of the two fates that Machiavelli clearly stated must await republics/democracies after 250 years -- oligarchs or mob rule then oligarchs unless something happens that push people to revolution through hunger/needs unmet.

 And that is part of what has me in a rather brutal to myself "I need to be realist right now and plant my focus into reality because I can't afford to be blindsided by it" mood. And that's just part of the isness of this moment in time and it's not his fault at all nor anything he could fix or change or do anything about. Best he could do would be to make himself in some way a part of my actual life and I don't expect that because nothing has really been built to get us there.

I'm not upset with him, I can absolutely guarantee you that if he just showed up at my door standing right in front of me my first instinct would be delight and to want to hug him just for his isness and him being there. I mean, look, every time I see him with a heaviness or sadness on him, all I want to do is hug him and kiss the corners of his mouth that turn down when he's upset until he starts smiling even though I have nothing in this life to make me believe that would help or be welcomed or any right for me to do it.  It's just what I feel the impetus in me to do whenever I see a heaviness on his heart or soul.  It's completely illogical within the context of the distances between us, but it's my immediate knee jerk reaction every time. And I will own I was sitting in believing the harshest conclusions that could be drawn from what little I have had to observe/digest over the last couple weeks. (And I didn't write about it here while struggling with the "and so what am I to conclude?" from the information I was gifted in his video.) All that I know is he decided to move back there to that same space and that he considers that time pivotal -- it's an assumption that it's because he wants a redo to find someone else like the one he let get away and I could just as easily assume that it's because he followed the thread back of his own labyrinth and when he lived there was the last time that the bond was open uncomplicated and I'd never even considered shutting him out or that he might want/choose someone other than seeking for me. Both are assumptions and his reasons could be completely different or some mix of all of the above of searching for a place that for him feels like coming home because he doesn't have it. But I don't know enough to draw a conclusion let alone one that reeks so much of accusation that he's still wanting his girlfriend from the past who has long since moved on with her own life -- technically what he said was that he was overthinking making the biggest mistake of his life but he didn't say whether staying with her or leaving her would have been the mistake just that he recognized he was facing that risk. And I have no insights down the bond about that, he was struggling with that question while cut off from the bond reaching me, it was while it was asleep after I asked the Oak King to stop me from receiving overlays of his strong emotional moments with his then girlfriend because I didn't find it right for me to be receiving them. So he was cut off from reaching me via the bond while he was trying to figure that out, and he was cut off from me for a while before I woke the bond back up after he found me in dream space -- I had a LOT of dream space vision dreams with the fairfolk during that gap while the bond was dormant. But it is a gap of absence where I wasn't receiving from him or vice versa.

But I shouldn't assume what it is he's doing or seeking and his reasons for it right now, that's for him to share if he chooses. I'm still going to be focusing my time/energy into what IS in my real world and only those people/things who choose me and desire me enough to choose me and welcome me. But I'm sorry for the conclusions I spoke as if they were truth when they were only assumptions and the worst possible readings I could have construed his state of isness. I think I'm just a bit more likely to draw myself to those conclusions because I genuinely don't see a place for me in his life as it's been built with the choices that have been made, especially since 2018 -- it doesn't mean it's a true set of conclusions or assumptions, and I can't say they aren't built from the idea of confronting the worst case scenarios (which for me are the ones where he never felt the pull of the bond, never wanted or sought me, that it's only a one sided spiritual soul understanding.) Yes that's the conclusions inside my head that have been bombarding me claiming their truth over the last several weeks trying to shape my view of him and his choices -- but that doesn't make them his truth. And I'm sorry for having stated it as if it is THE truth without anything more concrete than assumptions and (mis)understandings of a limited set of information I have at my disposal.

 It is rather curious that both Eric and Diarmaid remind me of bears and I wake up in them their past lives as Vikings. (Although only Eric is a polar bear to my inner sight, Diarmaid is more of a reddish Eurasian brown bear -- but still they're both bears.) There's something there that feels like the Universe saying to me, "If Eric won't choose you and you can't build together, here is the gift for you from your past lives for another path you can take for happiness and love in this life." I mean, Diarmaid literally only crossed my path in August and before that I didn't even know he existed -- this is a fairly new alternate path for me to even consider and really the USA is rather too dangerous in my opinion for foreigners right now for pursuing it even somewhat seriously for me to see how we could grow it into a relationship at this point in time.

 Right now I can't see very far ahead again with my gifts, all the fatelines are very snarled up around the next place of bifurcation at a national/global level -- I can see the major events on both of them very clearly but not the little things and I don't know which one will be chosen. So I could be completely blinded by what I can't see right now and wrong about my conclusions and understanding -- and I would much prefer to be corrected with his actual truth than to sit in misunderstanding and wrong assumptions. 

Also. I've been feeling antsy that I ought to be doing something with the state of imminence of what's coming. And the Goddess has told me to keep doing what I'm doing and time stamping to help the divine outside the 3d find precisely when Divine timing requires they intercede once asked. And when I didn't like that answer and went to the awakened Durga who's back in the world she told me the single best thing I can do in this nexus of time is to stay alive make sure I don't die before I'm needed.  Neither helped me figure out anything active I could do about the human level or the spiritual level of the current battles. And so I think there's just something inside me right now that wants some form of decisive action -- EVEN IF it's all the wrong headed action it would be something decisive and active rather than waiting and nothing changes for the better from my perspective during the waiting. I'm feeling really tired of being patient and waiting, i want to see something real and tangible changing NOW.

But anyway, I spent a lot of time laying in bed today with pain from having dislocated my shoulder in my sleep again and with my dog and my cat both laying on me like weighted blankets to make sure I didn't even try to get up until the shoulder was healed enough to be usable. And when I wasn't sleeping to heal, I was feeling a sad upon me and a sense of guilt that if Eric knew those were my conclusions I've been sitting in regarding him, he'd be really hurt and saddened by it and it would deflate his recent joy in his life path choices and what he's trying to do... Which wasn't at all my intention -- it's my truth I've been sitting in making me accept those conclusions as much as I hate them and it hurts to think it true but I never considered how that set of conclusions built of assumptions and half understood evidence maybe would hurt him and isn't his truth. And today while I was laying there with so much pain in my shoulder and accelerated healing of it, I realized the potential for hurting him if he knew that's the conclusions I drew... Especially in light of how much love has been pouring in down the bond from him since Venus went cazimi a few days ago. And I mean REALLY strongly his love pouring in down the bond.

 O, it wasn't because anything bad or rejection of any sort happened that I didn't want to talk here about seeing Onoir. If anything, the shows and interactions were fantastic and I felt like I was being interviewed/vetted by the other guys as much as anything and the feelings of interest/desire and delight at seeing each other again were definitely mutual with Diarmaid. (if anything, the guys seemed more over sensitive than me to the potential of rejection. When Diarmaid was saying how much he was looking forward to going to bed after the show, I made a reference to jet lag catching up to him and the time/distance of travel for them to get here -- I was literally told, "O it was only an eight hour flight to get to you, definitely worth it" and Thomas/Declan getting concerned when I told them i wasn't going to follow them out east thinking I meant I'd not ever be willing to go to Ireland to see them and me laughing having to tell them, "O no, I'd go in a heartbeat to see you in Ireland if timing and budgets allowed. I meant I'm not flying out to the east coast of the states to follow you for those shows next week."  So it was nothing at all like that. It's just that... It was because they hadn't left the states yet and I've been worried about them given this not being a good time to travel in the US when you're foreign born even if you're white cis straight and your tour(s) were previously planned and it's your job and I haven't really shaken my concerns for them won't until I hear they're safely back in Ireland just because there's so much uncertainty and risk of serious consequences being in the US right now and this isn't their fight they need to be caught up in, y'know? So I didn't want to talk about them or think about them until they were safely home again because letting me think on them (other than reacting to their posts about each o their remaining tour dates) just meant worrying about their travel safety even though nothing I could do would alter that for them.

And honestly... With the distance and the state of the USA (let alone state of the world) without a direct ask, I'm setting aside the potential there as an unrealized/unrealizable potential at this time because while I'd say yes to him if he asked, I'd not be trying to increase his interest in me and thus the risk for him as he's a non-citizen trying to build something with me (or anyone) in the USA right now.  It's not anything to do with Eric (who I really am dubious is actively desiring/seeking me at this time or maybe he wasn't even doing that before because he does seem to still be stuck on the life of his could have beens in Raleigh, even going back to live again in the place he lived back then, and his whole video could be seen as a shrine to could have beens nostalgia still wanting the Scorpion Chick he broke up with who was just looking for any baby daddy to give her the rich white girl life she wanted provide her with kids to invest her love in and in his own telling of it was only interested in him once she thought his music might make him and thus her rich; doesn't seem like he's wanting me qua me with the choices he's making, he's wanting to "undo/redo his big mistake" and find himself a good southern Christian girl who will marry him be mother to his kids and that ain't me... so right now it seems to me I should be making myself let go of any hope/expectations that he's wanting to reach me regardless what the bond tells me, his actions/words/choices/concert recording preparatory to his album release tell me something else -- but that's an unrelated completely different set of thoughts I've been thinking and feels I've been feeling recently since both Venus and Mercury turned retrograde.) it's not anyone else that makes me hesitant to consider Diarmaid for me right now. It's not even the physical distance or me being as much older than him as I am because at this point that's less of a thing and I don't think any of the guys believe me I'm older than him, it's really because I'd rather know he's safe in Ireland than worrying about him traveling to the States right now under the current regime the way it is... (Although if he and the guys are going to travel stateside ANYWAY for shows/tour, I'd definitely be happiest that he come to the midwest give me excuses to see him/them if they're going to brave the mess of traveling to the US right now as a foreign national...Mostly because if he's going to put himself at risk, I'd rather see him than not and get hugs and reassurance in the giant Viking bearness of his isness. He's very much one of the types I'm physically attracted to, and not just because he's taller than me even in my heels which is a very important thing to me and who I find myself physically attracted to.)

It's not because of rejection or because of the sweetness and ease in the interactions that I didn't want to talk about the Onoir shows and getting to see the lads again -- it was solely and only because of not wanting to think/write/talk about them while worrying about them getting home safely and making myself accept I should put that desire of seeing where that potential could go to sleep for now for his sake and safety. 

 But I do miss him as well as being worried for him. I missed him from the moment of leaving and especially growing with each mile of driving away knowing I didn't know when next I'd be seeing Diarmaid. I know it's a when not an if, provided any of those men have any say in it because they all directly told me so, but I don't know the when and I worry even about the if right now given the state of travel in/out of the USA. Even for straight (3 of the 4 happily married) cis white men from Ireland -- not even obvious risks of being targets by looks or nationality. It'd be safer if I went to Ireland to answer the when of seeing each other again, but I can't justify it at all or make it work in my current budget at this time. 

Anyway. I should probably say more about my current thoughts and how they're driving my feelings toward Eric right now during this Venus and mercury retrograde, that maybe deserves to be more than an aside.  But I'm not going to try to words them right now because I genuinely see no place for me in his life given his choices he's made/making for himself and the happiness he seems to be seeking -- and if that doesn't lead to me then I accept his choices as his to make but I won't be investing of my head/heart further into him because there's so much in the real world that needs me right now. World is too uncertain for that -- if he's not desiring me enough to choose me, then I'll not let me bother my pretty head any further about hoping he's going to choose me.  This isn't a time in the world and human society for investing in false hopium.

 Maybe it's just the state of the world and the retrogrades during eclipse season trying to help let go of what isn't meant for you isn't choosing you -- but that's how I'm seeing it right now, right or wrong. I mean. C'mon. He's on his nostalgia "I want back what I gave up a decade ago" trying to find himself a replacement southern Christian future mother of his children by moving back to the place he was living in when he broke up with her and falling back in love with south of the Mason-Dixon Line while the country is falling into either even worse race-based fascism than what has existed since ol Dixie Land or chaotic revolution Civil War without clear boundaries to make Balkanized states as the empire crumbles.... Where in that is him wanting anything to do with me, y'know? Exactly. Perhaps I'm being unfair to him, but t's how I'm seeing things right now in this moment and I can only make my own choices as clearly as I am seeing what I have to work with... And I don't see anything for me to work with in what he's stating he wants and is seeking and how he's making choices in pursuit of the happiness he's seeking for himself in trying to undo/redo the relationship that first made me seek assistance to put the bond to sleep so overlays from it wouldn't reach me... Maybe I've drawn all the wrong conclusions from his storytelling and choices, but these are the conclusions I've got -- that the biggest mistake of his life was playing defensive and not marrying the Scorpion chick who was the love of his life when he had the chance so he's decided to stop running and to go back to where he was then and try to find a path to undo or get an opportunity for a redo with someone like her in the same place where he made his "wrong" choice all those years ago. That's what I understood from his telling of his story and his emails about it and about moving back into the same apartment and what he's doing to reclaim the life he feels he should have been living this last decade. I wish him all the best on the path of his choosing, but for me I don't see me on that given the choices made for him/his band in his name back in 2018 and even his own personal choices trying to relive/reclaim/undo his past choice to find himself another good southern Christian woman to invest in who will love him if he will marry her make her a mom and to start by rebuilding himself the exact life/apartment he was living in while he was with her -- so it's better I open handedly let him go to the best of my ability and invest my attention and energy where I'm wanted for me qua me.

(Also for fullest honesty, the last several nights there has been such strong consistent love flowing into my third eye down the bond or from someone whose love energy toward me feels of a similar soul intensity that it has made me question this set of conclusions way of thinking about everything he's given me to digest of his story as he would choose to tell/live it... I don't question it any other time right now except when there's such a strong love light pouring in at a spiritual soul level.)

So I'll be doing my best to continue to focus on who/what chooses to be IN my life and letting go of the hope in could bes and could have beens regarding both Diarmaid and Eric -- for different reasons but both because of distance that I don't see ways to bridge right now in the world as it is and the choices that have been made and are currently being made. Time and experience (and one or the other of those men) will school me if I'm wrong headed in that and those distances are more easily bridged than I expect -- and I'll cause myself no worse hurts by focusing on who/what IS in my life right now and what is tangible I can change and affect within my own spheres of influence.

I just want to be told that the lads of Onoir safely made it home -- they were in Philly last night for a show and I don't know which day their flights home are -- but they have a show back in Ireland end of this coming week. So I'm sure I'll get that confirmation soon enough. And for today, I'll be taking over the title of the Scion signing it over and then going to in person vote at the library so I won't have to worry about it during my 6a-close election day shift in a couple weeks.

This week's Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 3/23 in Libra: This or that way. But you can see into what you have known. If everything could be then it will. Aquamarine and dandelions. Love that extends far into the future."

"Week of 3/23 in Pisces: You are calm. You walk along a path filled with good things. Flowers are static and kind. You can see this part. You can see this part of beginning."

And in case you wanted to see if there's dialogue at all between either my sun or my rising and Diarmaid's since I got to see him again (I know you likely don't but here you go anyway): 

"Week of 3/23 in Gemini: A blue dream. It could all be a memory. That’s what a dream remains to be. Find a friend and an award. Find the blue dream." 

"Week of 3/16 in Gemini: You feel the power. That’s what you saw into every last part. And yet if you could you wouldn’t see. So much so that it hurts. So much so that you know yourself." 

 "Week of 3/9 in Gemini: Everything happening all at once. But then it comes into focus. Something that mattered matters still. Don’t forget your creativity. Do what you must."

I promised to share here the version of the stories as I shared them on facebook as I wrote them up in real time as things have been unfolding with the car situation. Very much like what you expect to read from me here but also I recently didn't feel like writing here or had time for it and I did know that I ought to let the people IN my life know about this -- because this wasn't one of my "I should be dead but somehow I survived" stories that nobody needed to know about other than the people who were there, this was one that people would be angry at me for them not knowing, though they'd be scared if they heard it at any time other than after the fact. 

We don't talk about how many "I should be dead" stories I have lived in this life or how close it's been to all fatelines with me on them being truncated... I don't tell those stories often without good reason. There are WAY more of them than you would expect though for how quiet a life not for the world or history books that I desire to live in this lifetime. And not just some of my childhood things like 4 year old me climbing on the counters to reach the top of the fridge and eat an entire bottle of vitamins because if one was good for me more would be and I was always hungry growing up because I was constantly growing (I've been the same height since the 5th grade) or the time when I was 13 and in a bike accident put a hole in my right thigh that took 26 stitches (only 15 of them on the outside) with the giant wound big enough to put a closed fist into that was under quarter inch of opening up my femoral artery for an under 5mins bleed out death... I have a lot of "I should be dead" stories where even the slightest smallest shift in space/time from how it played out and I wouldn't have survived to be writing this. More times than you can count on both hands, twice over. I haven't exactly yet figured out who all's protecting me on my spirit team of unincarnated spirits (those I know of are more powerful than I fell like I deserve looking out for me) and what they're saving me for in this particular body and this life, but so far they've kept me in this body despite my adventures. These stories from my life don't scare me much because in the moment of crisis I have the sort of personality where everything crystallizes and time slows down to infinite slowness during which you can do anything and I get the most clear sighted decisive triaging that you will ever see me because there's simply no TIME for being scared or over thinking, there's no time for anything but sitting in complete clarity and certainty and the faith in oneself and one's own wisdom and training that you know what you need to do to fight this fight and survive it....I'm not one to seek a fight, but I've spent more of my past lifetimes as a warrior(ess) than a gardener and if a fight finds me I'm not afraid to step up to it do exactly what must be done for the best possible chances of not just surviving but winning no matter what the odds are. But even though I don't get scared of it, the people who love me most get scared of these stories, of how close they've come to losing me in this life and they never even knew... I think my sister and my mother are the ones it scares the most when these stories happen or they're reminded of them. Ever since learning about the incident with the deer, my sister has been texting me trying to nail the jello to the wall figure out when I'm coming to visit next so she can hug me and take care of me and have me present and safe. My sister is a Virgo sun with a Pisces moon, she's a planner and a bit of a control freak but it's because she cares so deeply wants to keep those she loves safe as possible in an uncertain world. So even though she and her family are coming here in June, she's been trying to find out "when can we fly you back out here to come visit and do some Spring planting in our garden?" And we went through week by week and every time I told her my plans/tickets i couldn't move she'd say, "So you're flying out on the next day?" And then I'd have to tell her why that would be a short visit -- the only gap I have longer than 4-5 days until May is right when they're on family holiday in April and flying me out to visit them less than a month before they come here won't help my sister get to hug me sooner and do everything to keep me safe with them. So then tonight she wanted to know when we can start booking my tickets for me to join them for Christmas because this is now part of their family traditions to have me come out there, lol.

I don't bring this up to scare you or anything or to seem like I'm withholding parts of my truth from you, just acknowledging the truth that if you were to add up the odds of me even still being alive right now sharing these moments and thoughts with the people who love me, the odds would be worse than your odds of winning the lottery.  It's just a part of my truth in this body in this lifetime... Me being alive right now is a defiance of probability.You saw the pictures of what the car looked like after hitting that deer that appeared out of nowhere -- does that look like the sort of situation where both driver and passenger should walk away from it without any injury whatsoever EVEN THOUGH the airbags never went off? (o yeah, the airbags didn't go off and for more than a week beforehand, I kept getting rerouted/redirected by the road I meant to take being blocked off by police and terrible head on collisions with fatalities having occurred on that road right before I was supposed to be driving them...And if those airbag sensors were not triggered from the damage of hitting the stag at 65mph, they weren't ever going off in any situation and a head on collision with another moving vehicle to increase the force of the collision is not something I or anyone would be surviving without airbags. Far worse fatelines exist than this one we're walking... In the moment as it happened when the deer suddenly appeared directly in front of the car with neither of us seeing it before the collision, of all the things I felt energetically/spiritually, the stag felt protective of me sacrificing itself to save me is the best I can describe what I felt looking into its eyes as the car hit it and after it flipped over the car I was actually internally thanking it as well as the car from whatever worse fate they were protecting me as I limped the Scion off the road to the shoulder on the inertia of it because the engine completely stalled out dead dead will need to be completely rebuilt to ever run again. But now I'm getting all out of order again assuming you know the story in entirety for that feeling to make any sort of sense (I did NOT include that wyrd part of the story in my public on facebook post, because I'm not really in the broom closet but even my mum told me it gives her goosebumps and physical chills when I refer to the deer as having sacrificed itself for me to survive avoid worse fatelines that could have been....)

So without further ado (further ado will be after the quoted parts) here's the quotes of what I originally posted on my facebook posts that are relevant to a fuller telling of what happened in the wee hours of Sun morning:

"So now we get to the unexpected twist to the story. Driving along 151, back in Wisconsin, somewhere in Iowa County, just came around a bend and flipped from brights back to regular headlights due to a semi coming on the opposite side and then suddenly BAM! GIANT buck with a HUGE 12 point rack is suddenly there right at the passenger side in front of the car. Neither of us saw it coming from the left crossing the other lane until it was literally hitting the car. In the time between seeing it, Crissy had time to shout "DEER!" just as I had time to think exactly three thoughts, 1) "O DEER LORD!" 2) "O that's a gorgeous set of antlers on you!" 3) "Don't you fecking DARE hit the windshield with your antlers shatter through it!" and then it was the massive thunk dead on and all the lights on the dash going off (but weirdly no airbags deployed and the seatbelts didn't catch as quickly as they should have -- my maman wonders if the Scion had faulty Takata airbag deployment in which case I'm lucky that I had a head on with a MASSIVE stag and not another vehicle that would have kept going into us. I was able to use the inertia of my 60-65mph forward motion to get the car to just within the shoulder as the car ground to an unresponsive halt to anything I did with the pedals. After turning the flashers on, I realized it was still in drive and it made the most horrific sound I have ever heard a gear shift make to put it in park (worse than hearing someone new to manual cars shifting gears without using the clutch) and the entire car just sort of shuddered like it was sighing on its last dying breath, "I have done all that I can for you..." I turned it off and sniff tested and listened for the sound of anything dripping to try to figure out if we needed to get out of the car fast and Crissy asked me, "Do you think you can get it home?" And I was just like, "With all those warning lights on the dash and the noise it made and the size of that buck? I don't have to see the front damage to guess no. But I can try to turn it on see what the engine sounds like." Yeah no, that wasn't happening.

So then it was time to get on the phones -- I called my amazing parents who love me dearly to put my mum on notice as early in the wee hours nearly 1am as I could that I needed my da to please come do pickups find out where they wanted me to have us towed. Crissy got on with AAA for the tow (she has the RV 100 miles towing radius included) and then while I was pinning the location writing a prelim email to my insurance agent she called 911 to dispatch a sheriff and damsel in distressed that we were two women alone having just hit a deer and were sitting on the side of 151 (one of the more dangerous stretches of highway in the state) on a cold night at drunk o'clock. When the sheriff got there, he had me roll down the window and after we told him we had called AAA for a tow and my parents for a ride, he asked me if I could get the engine going so we could move the car further from the highway off the other side of the shoulder and I dubiously said, "I can try. I haven't looked at the front yet, but the sound she made earlier when I tried makes me think no." He was walking toward the front looked at it for the first time as I tried to get the engine to turn over shook his head at me to stop and told us, "This car is not going anyway except on a flat bed." then he paused and said, "It's 26 degrees right now. It's too cold for you to stay in this car, especially after opening the windows. Are you girls comfortable sitting in my squad car until your car can get towed?" We opted for yes, grabbing our purses, phones, coats, and the insurance/registration binder and got out of the car (Crissy had to climb out my door since hers wouldn't open) and that was the first opportunity I had now that there was a police car behind us to make us more visible to passing traffic to get out and look at the front end. And that's when I cussed like a sailor in front of the sheriff''s deputy then turned to him apologized for swearing but added it was the first I'd seen the damage.He told me he'd seen worse from a deer and that I was very lucky but he understood the reaction. We seat in the car with him while he wrote his report and he was honest about other important calls actively coming in while we sat there and the timelines for AAA in his experience in his county and suggested an alternate plan to get the car removed from where it might be hit and for him to take us to the closed sheriff's front reception office where we would be safe, warm, have bathrooms and access to water etc until my da could come get us. So then I called my parents back and we went through this plan all on speaker phone to make it easier and Crissy got on the phone to AAA to cancel the tow after we were past his window willing to wait for them and they hadn't even yet assigned a towing company to us, as he continued filling out the police incident report and went to take pictures of the front of my car at the scene so I didn't have to get out and do it in the unsafe conditions of it all. (the best part of filling out the incident was when he asked me completely calmly, "Do you have any bias against deer?" and I just started laughing was like, "What? no. Of course not." And then he chuckled told us that he is legally required to ask that and it's always his favorite part of the report. he asked Crissy as well.) He was very kind with us and told us lots of stories of other deer related incidents (including when his partner had hit a deer in a cruiser) and we discussed mercy kills if the deer needed it (it was a clean hit, quick death) and right before we left the scene, he went and grabbed the leftover pizza out of the trunk for me when I mentioned I should have grabbed it and also that I'd left the headlights on didn't want the battery to die before the other officer/tow truck arrived so he went and turned them off just left the hazards flashing. On the drive to the sheriff's office, because we'd been talking about hunting and he asked me to not be like the one guy called his work cell number six times while off duty about the size of the deer wanting to tag it claim it, so I asked him, "So. Since this is my first time ever killing a buck, what size should I be telling people I bagged on my first try?" He just started laughing told me, "You should absolutely tell everyone that your first buck you ever killed was a 20 point set of antler, with splits on both G3 and G4, and was a minimum 150 score."

He let us into the sheriff's office, told us his deputy had found the buck all the way in the median after it had flipped over the car confirmed it was massive but dead clean hit and the tow truck had arrived before the other deputy to finish cleanup make sure the road was clear. He then showed us the bathrooms, the water, the dedicated line to call the jail if we needed anyone sooner than he could answer his work cell (on his business card) but if we didn't need anything else he had to go to another call. I asked him if we would need anything for the door getting in or out and he said it locked automatically so not to forget anything inside and not to both go outside at the same time before we were ready to leave. The tow truck guy stopped by the sheriff's office (empty except for Crissy and me and all the thirsty plants I desperately wanted to water for them) so I could more safely get the remaining things from the car that I didn't grab when the side of the highway safety concern. And my da arrived just a little after the tow truck guy who offered to wait in his truck for a bit until my father arrived in case he wanted to see the car as well.

Anyway. All's well that ends well I suppose. And I 100% recognize that this story would have been VERY different if we weren't privileged to be white women who damsel in distressed the situation. No humans were hurt (can't say that for deer or car) and no other vehicles were involved. I fully recognize how dangerous (and potentially deadly) this whole adventure could have been and how incredibly spoiled and protected I was throughout this story -- incredibly lucky and blessed in my parents and my friends and the officer/towing guy and even divine protection in the way this all played out in the safest possible way it could have. It could have been a VERY different story than the way this adventure went. And I absolutely need to have a word with Cernunnos that in the future, if he has a message for me, that unless it's necessary to protect me from something worse I would appreciate it if he doesn't send his messenger to me through the front end (or any side) of my car or any vehicle I am in.

I'm sure I will hear from my agent Monday start the process to find out if my car is totaled by insurance. It will definitely be more adulting this week than I had planned/expected. Luckily, my parents love me so my da came in the middle of the night all the way out to Dodgeville to get us drop me off at my condo and Crissy at her apartment. Crissy came to pick me up for symphony tickets today which was quite lovely and (e will use her car to go to all shows we have tickets for between now and me having my own car again. And I can borrow a work vehicle for me and my dog (who comes into work with me) until I get my insurance and car situation sorted (we happen to right now have a work Prius that is hardly used since we bought the all electric Leafs and has very low mileage which is ready to be sold and my bosses love me like I'm their eldest child... because, well, I am.) Honestly, the individual most distraught about the whole adventure was my cat Spock because I came home without my dog Waffles (who overnighted at my parents who watch her whenever I have shows or travel plans) and so the cat was extremely worried watching me like a hawk because the only times I don't come home with the dog is when I'm about to pack to leave for a while or right after Audrey Pupburn died a few years back before Waffles came to live with us be my dog. The cat slept in the spot on the bed the dog normally sleeps when she's not laying across me to show how much he missed her was worried -- and it is pictures of him this morning at the foot of the bed that I will close out this story with, because he is an absolutely gorgeous tabby with the most gorgeous eyes and natural eyeliner I WISH I could wear as well as him. Everyone is safe (except the deer and the car) and the cat will be very glad to see the dog and me whenever we head home from work.

So how was your weekend adventures?

P. S. If you look closely at the pictures of my Scion on the flatbed, you can still see tufts of the deer's fur stuck in the crumpled hood. I was really tempted to ask if I could have the bits of fur, but decided I should leave it until the insurance adjuster had seen the car. But yeah, given the damage to the engine block I could HEAR trying to start it even as a not a car person, I would be astonished if my insurance thought a 15 year old car with nearly 125,000 miles on it and that much damage could possibly be worth repairing instead of totaling it, lol."

 

"O right! I meant to post earlier today but then I got super busy wasn't on my phone at all.

Today I took the rental car out to Linden to get my plates and all my possessions from my Scion. Beautiful day for a windy drive southwest down through the neighboring county, saw lots and lots of cows and hawks and crows but no horses or goats on today's drive. I did get to meet a very beautiful long haired German Shepherd named Tenney who is the work dog at Larry's Service & Towing who took care of my car for me and have been holding onto it while I sorted with my insurance and was able to come get my things.

It was bittersweet sad to see her in the daylight for the first (and last) time since hitting the buck and got some better pictures of the state the Scion is in... Seeing it in the daylight really hit home how much damage that deer did and how well designed the crumple zones of Toyotas (and we'll protected their plastic tanks for wiper fluid) and how lucky we are that with a hit like that on a stag, neither of us were even injured at all.

It did make me tear up quite a bit saying goodbye to the Scion, saw me through so many miles and stories and adventures. I had the same reaction saying goodbye to the old Prius after it had a tire fly off while driving (it was early morning going up a hill in residential low speed nobody around, safest way possible to have your tire go flying off your car, but there was still enough damage from it that my old champagne colored Prius was totaled.) following a tire rotation where they didn't tighten it properly. Some people love their shiny new toys, I've always been someone who likes to keep good things for as long as possible until the replacement is a need not a want -- I still have clothing I wore from high school, lol. I found myself apologizing to my old Scion when I saw it, definitely told the car, "This wasn't what I meant to be the end of you hun, you were such a good car for me. My intention when I moved to another vehicle was to find you a good home." And the sense I got back from the spirit of my old car was, "I didn't want to be anyone else's car. This was the best way." Larry (with Tenney coming along with him) came over to the lot to help me get the plates off the car in case it was rusted then left me alone to clear everything out. A lot of trash squirrelled away under the seats for me to go through, but everything was collected to go home and deal with it there.

After I collected all my things to bring back and lingered for a bit before saying my Hail Farewell then going back to return the one set of keys to Larry keep my promise to say bye to Tenney. Then I went south to head back home north because I wanted to drive the space where it had happened during the daylight hours see the terrain of it -- and in doing that, I absolutely understand how neither of us saw the deer until it was directly in front of the car as we hit it. I also saw some huge controlled burn bonfires for the equinox on my way back! (Well maybe not for the equinox, but still on it, lol.) Makes sense to do it day after so much rain/snow once the winds quieted down -- it's been fire hazard risk for a long while up here

When I got home, I looked at my doormat and had this moment of, "What am I a joke to you?" toward myself and I decided that since it was the first day of Spring, it was time to change to the Spring/Summer rug, lol."

 

This is what I meant referencing the doormats and me being a joke to myself and was included in my FB post set of pictures -- I have a thicker coir Winter mat, a thinner Spring/Summer mat that can go in the wash, and several Halloween season doormats to be used from Lughnasadh through Samhain (ish) 

I also collected as much of the deer fur as I could from the wrecked Scion. Nobody else wanted or needed it or could salvage anything from it. And I did want it. It smells of the buck's musk still and I haven't decided what to do with it yet -- if I'm going to keep it in my box of old collars, hair clippings, claw pieces, and shed whiskers from my pets past/present OR if I want to hold a ceremony of gratitude to the deer's spirit to return the fur to nature OR if I want to do something else with it. But the first step to figuring that out was claiming the fur from the stag I hit when i went to collect my plates and all my possessions from the Scion.

 

The only remaining thing I have to do with the Scion and the claim before I get my check is to sign over the title to Copart who are working with my insurance company for the storage/salvage of what on the car they can salvage/auction. I could mail it to them, but it's rather an important document to risk getting lost in the mail so on Monday I will likely drive across town to hand them the title sign it over to them directly.  I also need to make sure I in person absentee vote at a library (I'm working as an election official from 6a til close on the actual election day, which means early voting myself) so will try to get that done early this week as well.  Honestly, my insurance is paying me more for the Scion than I would have likely been able to private sale it and it will be close to a wash for the blue book value at which I will be sold the Prius and I did say I needed to make the switch to the Prius by the spring when the weather changed -- I just didn't see it happening this way even though I had made no plans and had taken no actions toward trying to sell or find a buyer for the Scion... I always need to be careful what I say, fate has as a way of stepping into my life and making things happen once I make up my mind decide on what needs to happen. Never the way you would expect or the way any sort of human planning would make it happen, but somehow always even better divine planning orchestrated..... It's probably part of why I don't plan things because the Universe makes things happen the way it's meant to happen in my life, not the way I or anyone else tries to force fatelines to their will -- and somehow I keep getting reward for accepting going with the flow of how the Universe unfolds the plan for me once I make up my mind to something instead of being penalized for not being proactive in planning. There's a saying, "Man makes plans and G-d laughs" but in my life it tends to work out more, "I state my desire/need, G-d plans, and I laugh at the surprising way events unfold for me to make it as I asked."  I also don't like to ask for anything, because in this life I've never known the Divine to deny me anything I ask for and that makes me feel spoiled but also makes me question if I deserve it or if it's what someone else wanted.... So I try to be cautious and not ask for too much, and it's part of why it is only what is freely offered and given to me from another soul has meaning for me as opposed to what I ask for be given to me made mine.

 

 Anyway. I'll likely spend the weekend catching up on sleep resting and coming in for work hours with the dog because I can and who knows what else life will bring into my life across the week. For now and this coming week, I have the rental car (a Hyundai Sonata) covered by my insurance through the 28, so I can use it to take my grandma to her dentist appointment the 27 as scheduled not have to figure something else out. The Prius is at Wrench to have them do an oil change and figure out if there's anything wrong with it they can find before it's sold to me. The Scion is now in the custody of the salvage shop. I don't know exactly when we plan to do the handoff selling me the black Prius or changing over the plates/registration/plates/title/insurance to switch me to the black Prius. I will figure it out as I go, that's generally how it works with me, lol. The right things find me and happen for me in my life at the exact right timing.  It's just, I've never sold a vehicle before (they've always died in some manner that they went to salvage were totaled when their time with me ended) and last time I acquired a vehicle, it was the Scion form work and my parents were buying a new vehicle for the fleet of cars at work so the dealership took care of all that for us. And before that I had the champagne Prius that was my parent's car and they were buying a new car for themselves personally so the dealership dealt with it, and before that I drove the family minivan that my parents still owned while i was in high school/college.  These adulting responsibility portions of have tos will be done soon enough and I can go back to my regularly schedule wandering/playing my way through life by intuition alone going where I am called and showing up exactly when/where I'm meant to.

There now, you've got the proper story in more linear fashion to go with last night's pictures and rather laconic version of things, and told in my actual story telling stream of though way you're accustomed to getting from me here. And here there are some other nuances that I didn't give to my public telling.

I didn't say anything here at all about the Onoir shows and I don't really intend to. Those memories are mine, as are all the conversations I had with Diarmaid, Declan, Dean, and Tom after the shows for as long as they could keep me form running off when they had to pack up for load out and the staff wanted everyone not in the band out so they could close down the venues, lol. The shows themselves were lovely and great craic, those lads harmonies are gorgeous and their arrangements of the songs they perform are some of my favorites. (They have one released song they wrote together, but they also only just started playing/singing together since covid lockdowns and were bored musicians who could go nowhere do nothing with how strict Ireland's lockdown rules were.)  I don't yet know when I'll see them next, but I was enigmatically promised, "See you sooner than you expect" at parting in Iowa but I really have no idea what that meant. (Probably referencing that when they announced they were coming back stateside in March and I said that was when I was hoping to see them again but sooner than I expected it, lol. But no idea what they have up their sleeves planned for me to see them sooner than I expect this time given they're all the way over in Ireland most of the time.) And that is all I'm going to write about the shows or Diarmaid here at this time. (But yes I'm still single and nothing asked or promised. I'm still very much single.)

But I'm alive and well (and doing as much good as I can) and things are unfolding in ways I didn't expect or see or precog, but as they needed to in order to keep me on the best and brightest possible fatelines for me.