My grandma got her first dose of the Moderna vaccine and it went well.  Made her tired was the main thing. And she's scheduled for the second dose on February 26 in the early afternoon.  I stayed with her after lunch and then my Aunt Linda came by and grandma said she liked listening to us talking while she rested, so my aunt and I had a really nice long visit at grandma's. (Friday is the day my aunt come into town and runs errands,  so she always adds any shopping for grandma to her list and stops in to check on her. We intentionally scheduled the vaccines on Fridays knowing Aunt Lin would be there and then my parents wouldn't be working on the weekends so they could check in if she had bad side effects.) So I was expecting my aunt to show up. Wasn't expecting to stay and chat for 4 hours before my aunt went to dance with some friends and I went to my parents house to catch up on dvred figure skating with my mom.  

It was good to catch up with Aunt Linda (my dad's sister and not to be confused with Aunt Lynda, my mom's sister) since it had been a while and our conversation had good flow.  Past lives, current politics, astrology, family dramas, what can be done with cult of trumpies, cooking recipes, gardening, the variants of covid-19 that are spreading....  It was a great talk.  My aunt is a VERY outspoken direct no nonsense practical Taurus sun,  Cancer rising,  Sagittarius moon - she doesn't back down or pull her punches.  If you think I'm direct in my honesty,  you should meet my da's side of the family,  lol. Like my da,  she grew up on their organic family farm in the 70s where my grandpa moved all of them from Chicago when he expected the economic collapse from peak oil.  Most of my childhood,  my aunt was "the dress lady" in the summer/fall selling at an outdoor booth the cotton batik and floral patterned hippie dresses that she designed and semi-precious stone jewelry that she bought during her wintertime travels in Thailand and Indonesia to buy fabrics and oversee the production of the next year's dresses.  When I was in high school she married a radiologist, gave up her dress making business in order to tend to a MASSIVE organic garden and orchard at their house in the woods out near Blue Mounds.  Their twin girls are 13 now, born in August of the year my dog was born.   Anyway,  when I say that I am quiet and diplomatic by the standards of my family,  it's simple truth - everyone in my family has very strong personalities and rich stories.  I joke to one of my cousins that if we only had hidden cameras,  we could make a fortune selling the series as a Jewish Arrested Development....

But it was brilliant to get to see her and have such a cozy long chat with her!  I miss big get togethers with my dad's side of the family like we had when I was a kid.  I grew up in a family business with 6 owners (my grandparents, my parents,  my Uncle Steve, and my Aunt Sondra) so I always saw all of them multiple times throughout the week and my cousins I saw multiple times a week often enough it was more like having extra sisters more than cousins. We also generally went to the same summer camps.  And then we'd always have big family get togethers at major holidays,  Spring birthdays, and Scorpio birthdays, and several pool parties. So while my mom's family was scattered all over the globe, my dad's family was all right in the area and I saw very regularly throughout my childhood.  So I miss not seeing them as often as I once did...  

But anyway.  That wasn't why I sat down to write.  

I think I've written before about my neighbors in the building next to mine entertaining me as they try to leave their underground garage before maintenance comes with plows. It's a steep enough slope that I know that starting from almost no speed inside the garage, anything more than 2" ain't getting out. And so I plan accordingly if we're going to get snow.   Typically,  the neighbors give up after trying from in the snow outside the garage just spinning their tires and back into the garage in defeat.  This morning at like 5:30, someone who clearly doesn't know how to drive in snow decided to try to leave into the unplowed,  untrammeled 5.5" of snow we got yesterday afternoon/night (and another 2-3" expected today.)  Rather than giving up,  they tried screaming loudly and ended up leaving their car like this: 

😂😂😂😂😂

I shouldn't laugh,  but I genuinely have no idea HOW they managed that even as I watched the end of it as they tried to move it from where they got it stuck sideways,  how they propose to get it out of the way,  how maintenance can plow that now, and when the other neighbors who park in that garage can possibly enter/exit..... Maintenance just got here,  is snow blowing the sidewalls (which they always do first) and I cannot wait to see how they handle this mess!  

Also,  Mikaela was dming me cute animal memes at like 6am so I sent her this story and the pictures.  😂 She was highly entertained! Since she's currently in driver's ed, I also told her what to do and what not to do on unplowed snowy hills to avoid ending up like that.  

P. S.  They got the person whose car it was, shoveled out between the garage and car, then a maintenance person drove the car slowly inched it back and forth to face into the garage they kept open til the car was back in. Then they cleared the driveway with the plow.  It took about 15 minutes to get that dang sideways car back in the garage

P. P. S.  Thinking of which.  For those who have never seen it,  this is that driveway in the daylight after being plowed.  As you can see,  from the garage door is a slight decline for the drain,  then the incline to get up to ground level.  Where that car is turned sideways is directly over the drainage grate.  I have to presume they slammed on the brakes when they felt themselves slipping backward which spun out the rear of the car and slammed it upward into the snow?....

But yeah.  Warm tires on snow melts it making reduced traction because slushy,  starting from a stop behind a closed garage door, up a hill with 5 inches of unplowed snow....  Who does that?!  And then slamming the brakes as you slide backward, aka the worst thing to do on ice/snow since it will make whichever wheels the brakes aren't on fishtail.... 

So remember how I said dogs can't do energy work manipulating energy the way a cat can because they perceive all positive energy as love and all negative energy as an attack?  Dogs aren't wrong on that,  they're just simplifying it down to "feels good happy" and "feels bad attack" because that's how it is to them. 

So my dogs reaction to when my cat decides my chakras need clearing and he needs to do reiki energy work on me is that she sees it as an exchange of love  energy and so she gets a bit jealous beastie about it and thinks,  "Okay,  so if one of us goes and lays on her like that,  she will give us extra love.  Got it.  I can do that!"  So then,  invariably,  24 hours after the cat gives/gets a reiki session my dog will come lay along my torso and start grinning as soon as I start petting her. (my dog is a 30lb Yorkie mix of some sort rescued as a 13lb black and tan 12wk old puppy from an Amish farm where they bred dogs for pet stores. She has an undocked tail with long wavy-curly hair (not fur, it's continuously growing hair like humans have) with no undercoat and is all silvery-golden-ash-strawberry blond with some darker on her back/sides that grows out lighter silver-gold. She has the character and intelligence and personality of a golden retriever,  just in a smaller size. That said,  her spine is close to the length of mine and she's about the size of a 2 year old child, not a tiny purse dog. She wouldn't fit under the seat in front of me to fly with her for example. )  Then she will start trying to "knead" like the cat does,  completely ignoring chakra points,  and basically just hitting on collarbone area with her legs the way a dog who hasn't yet learned to swim smacks the surface of water while trying to keep their hind legs touching the ground because they don't trust the feel of floating.  (If you've never seen a dog learning to swim,  I highly recommend it.  It's very entertaining.) So my dog just splashes at my auric field like it's the surface of water,  which makes me laugh and pet her extra scritches and just extend my auric field so she's entirely inside my bubble. At which she always tilts back her head puppy laughing (if you've never experienced a dog's version of joyous laughter, I also highly suggest it) and paddles harder and you can just hear her thinking,  "Yes!  I can reiki too!  I iz magic!!!" then snuffling at my face and the cat just looks at her like,  "wtf?! That is NOT how you clear energy fields.   I do not understand slobbermouths.  At least you both seem happy?...." And the dog will insist on the same length "session" as the cat got the day before. 

So this afternoon I got a doggo "reiki" session of manic cuddles for an hour.  Made me grin and laugh til my face hurt.

Anyway,  in her own way, through laughter and joy and being entirely held inside my auric field,  the dog does open up chakras in her own version of reiki. Especially the heart chakra.  It's not the same,  but love and laughter and genuine joy can realign energy as well as direct spiritual energy manipulation.  It's why some people,  like dogs, feel like sunlight or sitting by a fire when you're near them. They're just overflowing with joy and love light,  that's what that sense of warmth you want to bask in is.  Always hold onto people whose souls feel like sunlight if you can, they keep your own soul healthy without you realizing their subtle energy work until their warmth is gone from you.  Losing them or the lack of it after doing wrong by them can often result in depression.  So unless they are encouraging you down ethically ambiguous (or downright shitty ethics) soul rot paths, try to hang onto puppy souls and do right by them.  They will help keep your heart young and inner child awakened happy. 

Also.  Go watch a young pup learn to swim.  And if you have clairvoyance/clairsentient gifts to experience energy flows, if you ever get the chance to see a dog try to do reiki, please do.  It's like watching the joy of a toddler think their toy steering wheel is driving the car, lol.  

Deep in her eyes, I think I see the future, I realize this is my last chance. She took my arm, I don't know how it happened. We took the floor and she said, "Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me." I said, "you're holding back" She said, "shut up and dance with me." This woman is my destiny. She said, "oh oh oh Shut up and dance with me."

 O obviously I simplified in all my analogies... Simplified a lot a lot... There's a lot of work and effort and cleaning up that comes after identifying the problem and acknowledging it's real. Not just in matters of ethics and the soul's path.  But my point is that none of those important things can even begin to happen until the denial stops and you acknowledge the fact that something happened to break things.

I mean like, an infection may require lancing, draining pus with sterilized tools, cleansing, antibiotics (oral or topical) to supplement your immune system to fight it off if it's bacterial (which is what most infected wounds are; viral infections and fungal infections are different cases of course and mostly with those we only know preventive and symptom mitigation) and you hope doesn't spread to the point that amputation becomes the only option.  Rot and dry rot is going to require taking out the rotten portions and replacing it -- which is a right bitch if you have rot in structural or foundation related parts and may require all sorts of other tools or structural supports until the replacement beams and foundations can be put into place.  Back rent means figuring out a way to earn the money not just expecting it to appear for you on a walk (though sometimes it can, you just can't plan on that happening.) A broken string on a guitar or piano requires removing it, replacing it, and accepting that the new string is going to fall out of tune faster and need retuning more frequently (I've known some musicians who will replace all the guitar strings when one breaks so they're equally slippy and I know others who think that's more money/work than it's worth.) also breaking a piano string is way less frequent but actually much more annoying because most people don't have good enough relative pitch to properly tune/retune a string accurately and on a piano it can require retuning every day or two until it settles.  I've spent a lot of time studying sound wave propagation and acoustics and tuning and reading memoirs of piano tuners (it's fascinating to me how different intuitive tuning versus using a mechanical measure for tuning can change the overall sound even though they're technically both tuning it to the "true" note) and things like that to better help me understand my synesthesia and why certain things (like 99.9% of country style vocalists) can cause me such intense nerve pain. My color-timbre synesthesia means that when something is offkey it will turn either bluish-greyish (if flat) or an intense hunter orangey-brown (if sharp) as overlays over the true timbre resonance color.  So some timbres are more painful flat and some timbres are more painful sharp (MOST timbres are more painful if they go too sharp on a note, with a few exceptions.)  What I like about pianos is that as the strings get weary, they tend to get flatter, but a piano's color is already the color of moonlight on water to my synesthesia -- so if it gets a bit greyer or purpler around the edges, it's still a soothing resonance color unless it gets so flat that it crosses the line into the sharp on the other side and gets like dog shit tones to it.  Banjo strings and bagpipes also don't bother me when flat-ish because banjos are a spangly aluminum in the sun color and bagpipes are the color of dove's wings in heather.  But a guitar string going flat is grayish purply overlaying emerald green like looking up into tree leaves backlit by the sun in the summer so that'll bug me.  So slightly flat, even though vocally it's a slight laziness actually tends to bother me less depending on the color of the timbre and rarely makes me wince. That said, very few things are a pleasant color with an orange or brown overlay which is why a twang that modulates upward into sharper than the true note makes me wince and can be truly painful for me if you increase the power/volume behind the note as you move across growing sharper.  It's like having an intensely bright stage light with colored gel blinding you, but it's all internal on your nerves. And you do it enough times, and when you twang on every note it's a constant electrical signal of pain, then the uncontrollable flinching and nerve pain starts in. Other sharp pitchy vocals are also painful to me, but country vocalists are consistently and always physically painful to me because of my color-timbre synesthsia and even country artists you may look up to and admire are probably not something I can listen to....

Woah. I digressed a lot there. But you know the funny thing about my synesthesia? I didn't realize until I was about 25 or 26 years old that it was unusual to perceive musical timbres as colors, that only 1 in 1,000 people have any form of synesthesia (cross-linked sensory neurons.) So I always assumed people understood me when I'd say things like, "this song needs some teal in it to balance out all those fiery tones" or "ooft you hit that note orangey" or "you should really add in some purples and greens as they contrast so nicely with your voice" or "ow! That backup vocalist is way too magenta to pair with an electric guitar, switch it back to an acoustic!" And I thought they knew what I meant and were experiencing the same things and just wanted to confirm what I meant or which shade of purple I meant -- the plumy tones of an electric bass or the indigos of an upright bass or the rich amethyst of a cello. And I assumed that people who LIKE and ENJOY country vocalists and pitchy singers are people who like painfully garish colors/patterns that most people find clashing. That they still experienced the painful shifting of colors, they just liked the painful combinations.  It wasn't until after reading the Oliver Sacks book Musicophilia that I realized that synesthesia is rare (though it does run in families) and color-music forms of synesthesia are a specific subset that most people never experience.  I also experience auras/energies as colors -- including "inaudible" frequencies can still be colored.  And when I was a kid, everything I looked at, I heard the music of what the colors/patterns/light and shadow textures are -- but I had to train myself to turn that off because most things in the modern world have disharmonious elements that our eyes stop seeing but which the music of them is a discordancy. I mostly only turn that on when I'm outside in natural spaces or in a clean room with pleasing color harmonies or when I'm looking at a particularly lovely soul in a space that complements it and then I hear a symphony in my inner space the same way that music creates moving light/color texture patterns like an aurora borealis painting over everything in front of me. But yeah, before the book on neural abnormalities surrounding music perception/production, I thought everyone got the aurora like overlays from music. It's why a particularly pure tone in a note hit just right that has an unusual timbre color can delight me so much, it's an unexpectedly beautiful resonance color pattern that the wave form makes. It also means some nuisance that some things like the sound of vacuum cleaners make me irrationally angry and country style vocals are like smacking me with an electric cattle prod every time they twang off a true note and singing bowls/whistles/harmonica/vuvuzelas that are miscast so they are offkey drive me batty like ants crawling under my skin and some vocalists have voices that are exactly the color/texture of vomit or moldy mangoes so are just viscerally unpleasant even if tonally they should be pleasing. But most of the time, the music and musicians I'm drawn to is because the colors add layers of beauty to the aural landscapes they're creating. *shrugs* It's just a part of how I perceive sound this life, the micro-oscillations that are what distinguish the same note from one instrument/voice from another are colored. Color-note or color-key synesthesia would probably be WAY more useful if my goal was performing a piece but to me that seems crazy to wrap my head around -- color-timbre is more useful for a symphonic view of a piece of music where you're more interested in the way all the disparate timbres paint together. 

But anyway, that's part of why piano music is so soothing for me, it's like watching the moon on the waves of dark water.  Higher notes are those brighter tones of silvery blue almost white and the deepest ones are the inky blue between the waves and the rest is all the shades in between. And, I would also say, that keyboards and digital pianos by smoothing out the resonance timbres that a string gives you lose the subtleties of the blue-indigo hues, like a black and white video of moonlight on water, but it's closer to the original than a lot of other digital forms of an instrument are.  And genuinely, I have no idea why an acoustic guitar is backlit leaf green, a classical or nylon string guitar is amber gold, but an electric guitar is cherry red before any distortions or pedal effects. Like, I get that the notes are identical and the chord fingering the same, but there's something about the all metal resonance without wood reverberation that completely changes the timbre colors into a completely different color palette. The same is true for an electric bass, electric violin, and electric cello.... It's all about the micro-oscillation and when a natural wood isn't a part of the sound resonance, the oscillations change enough to be in a completely different part of the spectrum even if the notes are the same and it's played identically.... 

All of which is probably way more than anyone is interested in about my color-timbre synesthesia and what it's like experiencing music that way. But like, I'm a painter and I love music and I've spent most of my life studying the hard sciences.  I want to understand at the scientific level what's going on that my brain is interpreting in magical mystical non-scientific ways.  Because experiential truth is a form of real truth, but it's not objectively the same for any two people even when you use objective tools to try to measure and quantify and understand it.  And while communication must be in the shared tangible quantifiable objective space (or something that both subjective views can agree they mean the same objective thing) there's something exquisitely beautiful in that gap between the subjective experiential and the objective facts.  In that gap is the ineffable, what can't be put into words or measured and that gap of ineffability is where the divinity and the soul and the magic of all things exists. All the deepest emotions and experiences exist in that gap between experiencing it and being able to put it into a concrete objective form that another person can understand the objective but not the experience itself.

So as someone with a lot of spiritual mystical gifts/abilities and with the synesthesias I always thought everyone experienced (actually I realized quite young that energetic colors/sounds and auras are unusual and most Christians find it disturbing and can't see the spiritual entities that are only color/light even when they're right by them guarding over them and so I should keep it to myself -- I just missed the memo that all color-timbre crosslinking is also unusual, lol. Also, many things that other people consider colored, like emotions and chakras are not cross-linked as colors for me -- I parse the energy in them differently but not as colors. Colors are specific to experiencing micro-oscillations on a propagating waveform for me...So a person's soul vibration is a color, but the emotions inflecting it are not a color to me. Other mediums can read the emotional colors/shapes like a painting to psych analyze. I get waves of emotions and feel them like my emotions -- but they're not colored..) I'm fascinated between the gap of what I can quantify and measure and correlate and make objective scientific sense of and the aspects that are only available in the experiential and the magic in trying to convey the ineffable.  One of my favorite feelings is with fellow empaths where you can just suss and feel each other's feelings and know they're shared emotions and not need words to convey it. Also music can convey things like that to me, outside the lyrics, if you pour all the things you want to say but can't find the words for into the music itself I can translate the ineffable from that even though I know objectively it's just patterns of sound waves and not the things you can't say. Also,  it's probably because of my understanding that all the deepest feelings and most profound truths are the things that can't be put into words which made the Billy Joel song If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) my favorite song ever - because even at six years old I recognized that it was an admission of a love so true while felt that in trying to capture it in song he was grappling with the distance between the Divine and quotidian. It's still my absolute favorite song ever, sappy love song as it is, and it makes me feel weak in the knees soft every time I hear.  And it makes me want for myself an ineffable profound love, and to light a torch in hopes of finding it. 

Anyway. Sorry. I'm in a very Zen philosophic internal space right now...So experiential free association mix of philosophical and scientific and spiritual rambling is about the best you'll get from me. Which is pretty typical of me when I'm not agitated by deep emotions or triaging what to put my energy into fixing. My cat spent a very long time this afternoon massaging out my solar plexus chakra and sacral chakra clearing out the blockages from processing all this mess and did an hour long reiki session on me today.  Yeah I know. it's weird. Dogs experience energy as emotions and they feel positive energy work as love and respond with anxiety or fear to negative energy work as it feels like anger to them, cats are fascinated by the actual spiritual energy manipulation itself.  You get a dog if you need heart healing of unconditional love, you get a cat if you want an inquisitive companion in energy work -- some cats are terrified of energy work manipulation. (You get a bear if you need -- actually I don't know what bears provide other than a deep soul connection energy exchange and protectiveness...In symbolic dream space where I'm communing with immortal soul aspects, Eric is always a polar bear to me when he's not himself and sometimes he shimmers between his current self and his past selves and a polar bear. I don't know what I am other than just me in those dreams -- but I never dream about a polar bear as anything other than a symbolic representation of his soul's reaching for me. For me then, bears feeling like being right where I belong and coming home and being safe -- but I may be projectng that set of my emotions onto actual bears because I associate polar bears with all those feelings that go soul deep around Eric who is always a polar bear in my spirit realm symbolic dreams.)  My cat learned reiki style energy work from observing me using it to deep heal some arthritis issues in my dog's hip and spine and to strengthen her knee tendons that were giving her pain several years ago. The rimadyl (anti-inflammatory drug) worked too well,  made her not feel any pain so she behaved like a puppy did worse damage and hurt more once it wore off, could become addicting, and cause kidney damage bad enough she had to have kidney/liver function checked before every scrip. So we have them for acute emergency, but I decided to use my gifts healed up the source of the pain in her. My cat observed me doing it and said, "O I can do that too!" so to show me love he'll lay along my spine and knead at chakras and do purring energy work -- and when he needs it, he'll lay on my chest and I'll energy work on him.  Growing up, my cat Blackey and I had the same sort of energy balancing relationship. When I do energy work on a cat, you can see/hear the crackle of the energy through his fur and if the lights are out watch it dance like an electrical arc between two live wires. Energy transfer work doesn't usually physically spark from me to humans or dogs or just releasing into the air/space -- only on cats is it visible/palpable. Anyway, dogs for heart healing inner child wounds that require unconditional love, cats for raw energy work and warding the home from negative energies.  All my life, I've always had both dogs and cats. I'm very much a fan of both, they keep a heart/soul healthy in different ways. I'm just a fan of bonding in shared love with other life in myriad forms, tbh.  Which is why my roses always die whenever I leave them to travel.  But I'm both a dog AND a cat person. For different reasons. Like dogs go on adventures with you, but if you need to cry and you cry on a dog you distress them so it amplifies your distress if you're an empath, while if you cry on a cat they'll comfort you until the energy is cleared. Cats perceive and can work spiritual energies in ways other animals simply don't...Somehow, felines are conduits the way humans with gifts are but not all humans are. 

So anyway, my cat Spock gives reiki energy chakra clearing massages and they're amazing. But he'd have to grow to trust you despite his rejection and abandonment issues and to know you love him will always care for him and return to him for him to give you a reiki massage. He's never done it for any of my exes or any of my former roommates who have stayed in Spare Oom for a time. I guess maybe you'd need to convince the cat you're staying in my life and thus in his for him to gift you with one of his energy clearing massages. And I guess that means I'd have to believe you're staying as well or the cat would never believe it...

*yawns* I should go to bed now. I'm sleepy. But in a "my body needs sleep to rejuvenate now" restful way. Also. Eric seems to have remembered that his sorrow/need might draw me in because I hate to know he's hurting, but when he focuses instead on pouring his love into me and that's all there is in it, then the bond is as much his as mine and I can't shut him out from reaching me.  That's the great secret you know, the most powerful energy work of all is all done from a place of love purified of the fears/doubts/sorrows/hurts. That's stronger down an energetic bond than anything else.  And that I can't shut out or push him away.... Because, it's not a need in him, it's not me wanting to comfort him, it's not something I can stoic convince myself it's better not to give in to the temptation. It's just his love surrounding me and pouring into me. Pure and whole and sweet and heady and strong -- and all I want to do is trust it and curl up into the cozy warmth of his love and stay there.  And he's been constantly like that these last few hours, just setting aside all the rest and pouring the rawness of his own love down the bond to reach me in spite of me trying to shut him out these last 2 weeks.  It's like the flood of a snow melt when he finds his way to that place of just pouring his love into me, destroying everything damming or blocking the connection. Once I go to sleep, there's a 100% chance of him finding me in shared dream space and just wrapping me in his love before I can try to tell him reasons why not to do that, why it will only hurt us worse when things get in the way so we can't hold onto each other to have it for keeps.  And I don't have an answer for the obvious counterargument that we can have it for keeps if we both choose to hold on despite anything else. Which I don't see how to make work, but I don't have an argument against because it's true. But I don't want a fight tonight, nor do I want to believe there's no way to fix things so we can both hold onto the bond and everything it is. Because right now, all I feel is the rightness and goodness of the love that is the core of the bond. And that goodness is something I will defend with every bit of my being -- it's the goodness at the center of it that makes me accept the possibility of having to let go for a lifetime if we have lessons to be learned apart rather than corrupt that bond into something else. I'd rather having it shining a promise for a future life than trying to hang onto it in the present at the cost of destroying what makes it shine so brilliant. But I'd ratherest of all be able to have it all the time shining bright and making us both better for the having of that love and having each other in a shared life path. As I said, I'll fight everyone and everything to protect it, but I'll not fight his free will choices even if it means letting him go for a lifetime or ten until we earn our way back to each other. And when his love is so intense and powerful and pure and impossible to deny, it makes me hope against all reason that maybe, just maybe, we CAN have that in this life. Maybe this is a lifetime to be fighting tooth and nail to nurture the bond and to hold onto each other. I just don't know if that's what he'll choose, even if it's what his soul is sure it's what he wants, it may not be what his conscious self in this life chooses. But. I wish he would.... Selfishly, I wish he would, I'd rather not force me to have to cut clean from him in order to respect his choices... Selfishly, I'd much rather hold onto him and strengthen the bond and make it real manifested into our lives as a good thing to share a life path this lifetime. To have that be the best and brightest life path for the both of us this life, no matter how long it ended up taking to find each other and choose that. (because let's be honest, clock is ticking like a bomb and this is already the longest life I've had for like at least the last 4.5 centuries... I don't feel like I've overstayed my welcome yet and I haven't had any contingent precogs of my own death (in every life I know when it must end or it might end unless I change my fates) but still we're both in our 30s now and there is never a guarantee on quantity of life, only on the quality you choose to put into your life.)  A shared life path as both our best life path for this life...That's what I want selfishly for myself more than I've ever wanted anything else this life -- but I'll only choose it if it's what he wants and chooses too. Otherwise what meaning would there be in it?

But for tonight, there's just the intensity and headiness and purity of his love.  And I haven't the strength or desire to fight that.  For tonight, when it's like this, I'll just let the brightness surround me and cuddle up into it and hold it tight and trust the brightness and warmth of both our loves is strong enough to keep us safe together  from the shadows and doubts and everything that keeps getting in the way separating us. I can get a good night's rest on any/every night I can truly believe in that.  And when his love is as intense and pure as it is tonight, I can always believe in the brightness of that hope and dream. Fighting it is like fighting a force of physics far stronger than me. Love is, in its own way, stronger than gravity to hold two souls together, orbitting round that love like it's their own personal sun at the center of their very own solar system. For as long as it burns bright and true. I've always stood outside that watching others find it in lifetimes when he and I don't find each other... I can bond to others and care about them, but it's not that same thing as orienting a life as its own galaxy in orbit around the brilliant sun of a true shared love -- and my soul knows it. And this life, I'm not wanting to settle for anything less than that -- I'd rather be alone a hermitess than settle for anything less in love.

O! Before I forget! Friday I take my grandma in for her first Moderna vaccine. Which is a great relief to me. She's 84 and lives by herself since Richard (her second husband) had to go to dementia care then died and she can't drive and while she's reclusive other than family caretaking her, once she's had both vaccines I can stop treating myself so extra cautiously. I mean, I still intend to mostly be a hermit and not be stupid, but it won't be with the fear that I'm somehow the asymptomatic vector that might get my grandma killed. Like I'll take my own chances risking my life differently than I'd risk her life, y'know? I mean, I'm single and live alone other than my dog and cat and plants and books -- I'd be more careful if my mortality were an albatross around the neck of someone else, but when it's only my own, my memories of reincarnation makes my sense of self-preservation for this life's sake much reduced. Quality of life versus quantity of life is my view as long as I'm being selfish about it. And only a life partner or kids would give me reasons not to view it selfishly and hold my own life as a thing to be sacrificed willingly if needed. Death doesn't ever scare me -- we're old friends and it's just the start of another adventure. But my actions/choices/negligence irreparably hurting or being the reason someone I loved died?! Having it be my fault and no way for me to heal it or fix it?!  That is my deepest fear and inner child wound. It always has been. Which is why it will be a relief in 4 weeks and 1.5 days when I can at least get my grandma who I take to appointments and help with errands have both doses of the moderna vaccine. It will mean I can relax and stop worrying about the possibility of me being a carrier to get her sick.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Walk the moon song Shut Up And Dance. This song has randomly been in my head since like 9ish or 10ish tonight. Luckily, I really love this song and it always makes me happy inside wanna dance whenever I hear it, lol.  I have a not so secret guilty pleasure love of pop-rock music and sappy love songs. the Jonas Brothers song Sucker is another one that I always have to turn up the volume and car karaoke dance to.]

 Do I think that Britt and Liz and Jessie are bad people for the way they have behaved to me in the past and in the present on this? No, good people can do bad things and doing a bad thing doesn't make you completely bad -- however you do need to be willing to face what you've done and acknowledge it to make it right or the knowledge of the bad you did will rot your soul from the inside.  Defensiveness only makes it worse, ghosting your past actions only makes it worse. Trying to deny it, ignore it, doubling down on it, refusing to acknowledge it, trying to bury it isn't how you clean any mess. If you try that with an infection, it spreads and can go septic. If you do it with dry rot, your porch will collapse.  If you do it with your rent payments, you'll get evicted. If you do it with a broken string in your guitar or piano, you'll never be able to play those notes properly on that string until you replace it and it will affect your ability to play chords no matter how strong the rest of the strings. And if you do it in your shadow work and ethics, then it will force you to do ever worse things to try to hide the original wrong and it will corrupt your own soul until you can't tell right from wrong. 

You can't just say, "I'm a different person now so what i did before doesn't matter" -- that's not how you heal, it's how you continue to try to hide from the harm you did in the past and the rot from it continues to spread. You heal by acknowledging what you have done, sincere apology, and attempting to make restitution to those you wronged if appropriate. That's the only way that healing and reconciliation ever happens. Ever. And it starts by having the courage to face it and admit it rather than trying to hide it.  It doesn't matter if you're a kid who broke something that belonged to your parents/sibling or if you're an adult who's taking part in bullying via ostracism -- trying to bury the broken pieces of what you did will only make it worse.

Acknowledging the thing that is broken is the very first step to fixing it. But if you won't even do that, you need to expect the consequences to yourself and to everyone/everything that the rot/infection touches.  And all forms of bullying and ostracism ARE an ethical evil and they're the same soul sickness that if allowed to grow moves from "you can't sit with us" to "colored sections" to turning the other way when your neighbors are disappeared into work camps/death camps based on religion/race/language/country of origin.  I say this on Holocaust Remembrance Day as a Jewish woman, with relatives who died in camps and a great-grandfather who was a Jewish doctor on the frontlines when Bergen-Belzen was liberated and after what he saw they changed the policy for American troops so Jews weren't the first ones in to see it  -- and I say it as the Jewish woman who was blocked from the official Delta Rae instagram account the day following the Tree of Life synagogue an hour before the interfaith solidarity against white supremacist violence at a Universalist Church that I was heading out the door to attend for the audacity of telling Delta Rae the honest truth that I loved a song but was sad I doubted I'd ever see it live given the fact that the country music at shows caused me intense pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia -- and I say it as the same Jewish woman who they have ignored every attempt to discuss what happened, refused to acknowledge it even happened as if revisionist history changes the facts, and who the band allowed their followers to publicly victim blame me that I must have done something wrong for the way i was treated because none of them would allow such wrong to happen if it wasn't my fault. It's a matter of degrees but the soul rot from group think ostracism, evasions of facing the truth, victim blaming, and ethical principles that you are eliding is the same.  And you do not even begin a process of healing that soul sickness within yourself until you take accountability of the actions you were complicit in.  And no amount of money raised or donated can wash away that guilt or right the wrongs you were complicit in. No number of victims you stand up for will make right the wrongs done to the victims you created by your choices/actions and refuse to acknowledge. Trying to do it that way makes you no better than slaveholders who gave vast endowments to arts/learning/humanitarian causes and insist because they considered themselves beneficent slaveholders their slaves did not suffer because of their actions/choices -- they didn't create the system after all. You cannot buy your way into expiating your sins of the past or fixing the ongoing sins of the present that your past choices created -- only by facing it and acknowledging it to yourself and to those you did wrong to can you start the process of healing the wrongs you were complicit in creating/perpetuating.

And it doesn't matter if you were reactionary because you felt rejected and defensive because they told you, "when you do x, it causes me pain because of y" -- plenty of the people who support trump and were at the insurrection and fall into qanon conspiracies are people who said they felt rejected sidelined from political discourse and were defensive about white privilege.  Feeling rejected and defensive does not excuse cruelty, bullying, ostracism, or trying to hide what you did.  You still did it. You still took part in the bullying, cruelty and system of injustice. You still stood silent and did nothing when you were told it was happening. You're still guilty of the soul sickness that allows such things to happen in this world. It's still soul sickness and you need to confront it and do your shadow work and acknowledge what has been done so you can start the process of making it right. Everything else takes you deeper down that ethical cancer that bullying begins and it's not a pretty soul path to explore....

 Do I think that Eric is a bad person for his complicity in their wrongs and not confronting it? No, again doing a wrong isn't the same as being a bad person. That doesn't mean he didn't choose the path of moral cowardice and complicity in perpetuating a system of injustice -- but that's not the same thing as bad. And he still  has a window of opportunity to right his part in the wrongs -- but if he doesn't take an opportunity to fix it this time, THEN he will have failed his own soul test for the third time, and THEN I will have to face letting him go his own way down paths he won't find me until after he learns what he refused to learn. My honest analysis of it? I think he felt it wasn't his problem because he didn't do it (even though it was done in his name, as with all of them) and I believe that he believed when he was told by other people that it was being dealt with (when their idea of dealing with it was "ignore it until it goes away") and I believe that he thought he was being a good older brother by protecting his sister rather than confronting her about what she did. But you're not doing right by someone you love when you let them get away with doing a wrong -- your care of protection means calling out the people you love when they do wrong so they don't continue to do worse wrongs.  It's the same for kids as parents as siblings as friends as anyone. It's your duty as someone who cares about them to call out when you see a friend even joking about sexually taking advantage of someone drunk/incapacitated let alone acting on it, it's your duty to call out misinformation and lies rather than letting a family member spread it as truth, it's your duty to call out friends/family for bullying/abusive behavior patterns.The cowardice and soul sickness that makes you not call out those you care about and consider a good person when they act cruelly to others is the same complicity in what is done to the victim. it doesn't matter the scale of the cruelty you allow those you care about or admire to get away with continuing -- your guilt and complicity is the same because your ethical decision to side with the oppressor/bully is the same. just because they are your family, your friends, your political party, your church, etc doesn't mean they are incapable of doing wrong -- just because they're part of your group doesn't make them immune from doing something wrong to others. it just means you either didn't know or chose to turn a blind eye to the wrongs they did. But when you refuse to at least acknowledge the story and then investigate the claims of someone who says they are a victim of cruelty/wrong by them, then you are showing that you are also capable of doing that wrong of complicity and coverup and allowing the systems of cruelty to be perpetuated into the future. And that's a soul sickness in you for you to face before it causes further harm because of your moral cowardice.

He could have more guilt on his hands then that, but I believe that set of rationalizing is enough to explain his (in)actions. And I have no evidence of deeper culpability from him,  no direct words or actions of cruelty and bullying as I received from those three girls.  His is the culpability of silence and inaction,  even when directly told about it. 

It is not in my nature to lie or hide or sugarcoat difficult truths -- I believe that doing so is a greater cruelty than being honest and facing it so it can be fixed. The truth is already going to hurt, but you create further hurt by telling someone that reality isn't true and/or that you don't believe them worthy of knowing what reality is. I consider lying one of the greatest intentional cruelties a person is capable of, especially to those they claim to care about. No matter how hard the truth is, it's best to face it with courage and honesty and give it unvarnished to others -- because even if that truth hurts, you're only hurting them once with the minimal amount of hurt, not compounding the hurt by your own choices/actions. Facing hard truths is the only way that something broken ever actually gets fixed, by being honest about how broken it is and how it broke. And we are at the point of fix it or get rid of it as too broken to be fixable -- but at this point the only reason it's "too broken to fix" is because of the refusal on their part to face and acknowledge the wrongs of their past selves and how it affects current actions/choices. And I can't make anyone else's choices for them, I can't force them to talk about it and acknowledge what they have done if they just ghost it. How could I? All i can do is accept their choices as being what they are and that if they continue to refuse to acknowledge and talk about and fix what they broke, then I need to let go of everything related to it as "too broken for me to fix" and hope that they find what they have chosen to seek by the path their actions create.

That's not calling any of them a bad person, though it is acknowledging their past/ongoing bad acts of intentional cruelty, bullying system of injustice created in the name of the entire band, gaslighting by ghosting, allowing/encouraging their fans to take part in victim blaming to "defend" them, and moral cowardice about facing any of it.  And there are consequences for continuing to allow the infection to fester rather than acknowledging it and cleansing the soul rot. The bad will only get worse if you don't face it and fix it.  It's the same for having done wrong in soul work of expiation as it is in a physical body,bills, a house, an instrument. You start by acknowledging the problem and then get to work fixing it or the consequences continuously get worse the longer you try to pretend it's not a problem.... 

I don't make these rules, I just acknowledge the truth of them. Do you? If you say no, then you're denying reality of how broken things get fixed -- and if you say yes but continue to do nothing, then you are adding yet another layer of wrong upon your actions. it's far worse to do a wrong when you know better than to do a wrong when you don't know it's wrong. 

*shrugs* I'm not in the business of telling people what to do. I'm in the business of healing, fighting injustice, saving knowledge, and telling people the consequences of their choices if they consult me for what I see in the realms of cause and effect. You must walk your own path, you must choose to do what you think right. I'm only giving you the information I have at my disposal, I won't tell you what to do with it.

As for how I'm handling the cause and effects and the scope of my own free will within this connection? I'm doing what work I must to accept the free will choices others have made over the last several years and the consequences of them. What you do in the present is still your choice. And what future it brings you to will depend entirely upon your present choices (or refusal to act, which remains a choice and it's the choice of complicity that benefits the oppressor and bully, never the victim who came forward to tell you about what happened to them. Inaction in the face of wrongs done in the past is a choice of complicity in perpetuating the wrongs into the future. It always is. And my disappointment is because I genuinely expected better from them, I expected they knew better than the way they behaved and the versions of themselves that they have allowed themselves to be.) 

And. Also. You need to know that as this is an ethics issue, I will never shut up about this, I will never let it drop, and I will bring it up about the band and their actions and refusal to even acknowledge it let alone make it right. Just because I "go away" and stop having anything to do with the band or any member of it doesn't mean i will lie for them about what happened and in my disappointment that they are not the sort of people they claim they are and that they are hypocrites in their ethics expecting better of other people than they are willing to do themselves. Not facing the truths about what they did and are still doing means that I will not allow it to be forgotten nor their hypocrisy gap between their words and their actions. I won't lie for them -- especially not when lying is complicity in the wrongs they committed. 

And that for me is a part of the enduring tragedy of this set of choices made by Liz,  Britt,  Jessie,  and Eric - that because of these choices and actions, every time the band Delta Rae is mentioned instead of remembering the good they did and the beauty of what they created and my respect for their ethical stands as people and how much joy I felt from my appreciation of their music, now the mere mention of them will make me think of their cruelty and hypocrisy and cowardice and feel anew all the bitterness and sorrow and betrayal.  And any time you turn love and admiration and respect into pain and disappointment and disdain,  it's a tragedy....

 Carly Pearce is terrible. Absolutely terrible. I definitely just muted the national anthem because her vocals are unlistenably painful..... I don't think she hit one single note without going pitchy af.... Ewww. What a horrifically bad choice for the NFC Championships game.... Hopefully that's not a sign for how painful this game will go... Though now I wrote that, my heart feels heavy about this game....

But it's almost kickoff time at Lambeau!!!!!!!!!! 😁 So at least there's that!

Post game reaction: Yep.... That's exactly the pit of the gut premonition I had for the game to be after they had a national anthem sung so painfully badly by a pitchy af cuntry singer that required muting til it was past -- a deep hole in the first half, a heart attack of hope right up to the end, failing to capitalize on interceptions, stupid mistakes, bad reffing, a loss we didn't need to lose, and the end of our season....

(I distinguish between premonitions, precogs,  and vision dreams - and I try not to use the words prophecy/prophet due to religious connotations.  Especially since I'm Jewish and have the Cohenim genetic marker down my da's side of the family, the same side the precogs/time loops are from (my paternal grandfather had them as well as my papa)  -- makes calling myself a prophet something else entirely.  Premonitions are a subconscious feeling about a future,  but there's nothing more concrete than an intuitive feeling.  Precogs (both contingent and immutable) are flashes from moments that haven't happened yet and always through my own eyes seeing/hearing it.  They can be brief or lengthy but they always overwhelm the moment I'm actually in and feel like I'm in the moment I flash ahead to see -- and there's a recognizable but inexplicable difference in feel between a path I can still avert/change and one that the choices have been made and nothing can change the course. Vision dreams tend to be symbolic,  recurring, and serve to warn me of potential threat or death of loved ones if I don't do what I must to warn them or change their fate to save them. After some recurring vision dreams I've been able to alter the fates, some I've failed.   I can also read potential fate lines of other people or groups or the world depending on choices, and this is similar to precogs but it's a disembodied objective view not through my own eyes or with my emotional feelings tinting the seeing. But I've never figured out what to call that gift of glimpses of the future that aren't through my own future eyes/senses - prophecy is closest, but again I dislike self claiming that label as it has religious connotations.  So I'll often fall back on calling it a precog even though I personally think there's an important distinction between involuntary glimpses on my own path through the view of my own future senses and disembodied objective views of events far from me that haven't yet happened.... )

 Me tonight while cleaning up dishes from dinner after two glasses of red wine, "y'know,  I'm good.  Full moon is next week so I'm a light weight, and I can save the rest of this bottle for another night this week..."

Me at midnight: "Shit man,  dog is still passed out and we ain't even at 1" of snow so no point in going for a walk before morning and there's one glass left in this bottle.  So fuck it!" 

Me at 1:30am: "Aww for fucking fuck's sake...  I'm fucking whiter than my fucking white shirt...  Hellooooo hypoxia!  Let's hope I can fucking keep my fucking soul tethered to my fucking body tonight then,  m'kay?" (I can't always if I drink too much.... Especially if I let me pass out before sobering up enough to keep this body breathing and keep my soul anchored in it. This happened more than a couple times in college of me overdrinking and getting everyone else safely home before laying down and realizing that letting this body lay down was a mistake....) 

Look.  The day that I claim I have anything but a "fucking bring it,  I can survive this" attitude about pushing my body into near death situations is the day for you to be concerned.  Because it's a lie - I only know how to take care of myself to the degree I'm taking care of me for the well-being of people I know I'd upset if they knew I wasn't taking care of me....  If I'm not taking care of me for someone else, then I'm just not taking care of me... Point blank.

Also.  on the scale from 1 to "sometimes I'm just an absolute idiote" I have a confession to make... (and it's not about me overthinking anyone else's choices or my assumptions about what those may or may not be and whether the evidence of my assumptions is objectively verifiable or really suspect "that's just your fears and doubts speaking louder than anything else making you overthink and you need to hush up now to actually listen" because yeah i do recognize I do that....I shouldn't, but I do. And I know it about me. Luckily, I'm a Libra so I'm a sucker for a Devil's Advocate "okay but think about this" and I'm Jewish so like Tevye I probably have about 23 "on the other hands" to consider before I finally make up my mind... But on the other hand, if you don't address some of my more outlandish what ifs, I can run with them to a point we can't find our way back... Anyway, we're not going to talk about any of that right now, because yeah I know it about me... I know... For someone who's every clear on what she wants, I'm terribly all over the place as to how to get there or whether I need a smack in the head from reality that I need to accept I can't have it.) 

But setting all that aside for the moment (not because it doesn't matter, but because even I can't untangle it right now. As I'm about to 'splain.)

Anyway. So. Beyond the "I'mma lightweight right now so let's drink this whole bottle of wine myself" hypocia inducing stupidity..... 

I really really love onions. Especially in the winter time, it's so comfy a flavor profile and it makes all the winter warm cozy foods so delicious...The problem is, my body doesn't produce enough and/or lacks entirely an enzyme to properly digest onions, and as I get older i seem to produce less and less of the enzyme so smaller and smaller amounts of onion can cause the same effects. Basically, I'm like a dog or a cat, eating onions can create heinz bodies that bind to the iron-bound oxygen on my hemoglobin so it can't be release that oxygen nor can the hemoglobin grab on to additional free iron in the bloodstream. So I get fairly intense anemia from eating onions. the more onions I eat, the worse it gets. And it's an anemia that no amount of increased iron in my diet can fix -- nothing fixes it until all the red blood cells with heinz bodies bound to them are destroyed and replaced by new red blood cells, about 30 days, presuming I don't produce more Heinz bodies. 

Basically, there's an enzyme most humans produce that breaks down a component in onions but without this enzyme, the compound binds onto the oxygen on hemoglobin and in high enough concentration all free oxygen in the blood stream so the oxygen bound onto red blood cells carry the oxygen but can't deliver it to the other cells in your body that need it. And, I mean, oxygen is rather fucking important for energy creation and pretty much every metabolic process in your body, y'know?

It took forever to diagnose this down to lack of this enzyme fir digesting onions in me and the first time it got super bad was in college right after I stupidly nearly killed myself driving home by myself from Terre Haute in the middle of my finals week because my little sister told me she felt unsafe needed me to help her move out from an actually psychotic roommate who dropkicked my sister's kitten (and Weebl had some spinal/nerve/hip damage from that until the day she died, just a few years ago) but then I had to be back for an English lit final that the prof wouldn't let us move or take late unless we were actively in the hospital so I drove home from Terre Haut IN to Madison WI on like 3 hours of sleep in 96 hours  and I had so much caffeine in my system that my heart was literally fibrillating yet I fell asleep at the wheel 15 times that I'm aware of including times that i could literally hear my guardian angel screaming in my head that if I didn't wake up NOW there was nothing he could do to save me and I'd wake up headed straight into a cement pylon or towards the rail on a bridge/overpass at 85mph and only barely righted myself and STILL with all that adrenaline and caffeine I'd fall back asleep while driving back for that damn final -- and I aced that fucking final  but then I passed out for 5 straight days and I spent the next 3 weeks sleeping 20+ hours a day. Not because I was depressed, I just was that physically drained. And my "nearly killing myself driving home in that condition" was definitely a part of that level of exhaustion (I get exhausted whenever there are timelines in which I died)  -- but I'd also been eating extreme amounts of onion and things with onion powder in the weeks leading up to the finals because carryout and chips as a meal are easy. The funny thing is, despite just how many hours of sleep that was, I'm enough of an introvert that as long as I was vertical for holidays with family, nobody knew or noticed until my friend who had graduated from Stephens Point then moved to Madison was sleeping on the futon in the living room until she found a place to stay came back from the holidays and saw how much I was sleeping (and I was proud to only be sleeping 18 hours a night) and how exhausted I was all the time and she handed me my phone told me to call my doctor to figure this the fuck out or she was taking me to ER for them to sort it out - but that she was NOT going to let me continue to curl up like a dog and just hope I could sleep until it got better without doing anything about it.

(This is the same friend who understood my drunk French one night in Chicago that I needed to be taken to the hospital or i wasn't going to survive because I couldn't hang onto my body after "all you can drink" wristbands at a concert of some friends... And then we got there and I was blue from hypoxia teeth chattering and they gave me a saline/sugar drip wrapped me in constantly heated blankets trying to regulate my temperature which was barely above critically low but when they asked me to sign a contract to checkin, I read the entire damn thing and paused at "do you need a translator" pointed at it because by then I could read/understand  spoken English again even though I couldn't recall any English words to speak them and Sarebear laughed said she could manage and I seemed to have turned the worst of it. Yeah. Same friend. She's in Tucson now, has been for a very long time so she's not here to shake me out of my stupid stoic "I can handle this" streak.)  Anyway. I DID tell you it's a damn lucky thing I'm still alive and that you didn't want to know most of the stories since most of them come down to me being impulsively unnecessarily reckless with my life.... Because it is and you don't and they are.

Anyway, so Sarebear forced me to go in and we did a lot of bloodwork and the doctors concluded I had mild anemia but taking iron supplements couldn't help it in my case given my blood iron levels were high but otherwise I was perfectly healthy and they couldn't do anything more for me except recommend I sleep if I needed it and not burn the candle at both ends too much.  I was grateful to find out I didn't have leukemia and my white blood cell count was exactly what it should be and that my hypothalmus and thyroid were functioning perfectly. but I was terribly annoyed that they had no idea what was actually wrong with me... 

So I asked for the raw data of everything they tested not just the synopsis and learned that while i was mildly anemic as was my blood ox BUT my iron was above average. And that was the first bit of evidence... And then I'd have these random bouts of exhaustion and anemia but it was non-haem and blood iron count was fine and good and they had no idea why. And then I read about heinz bodies in dogs and cats from eating onions (and I was eating onions in my food) and I went, "Aww shit! This sounds like what happens to me!"  And so then, my solution was that to test my hypothesis, rather than NOT eating onions or onion powder to see if I got better (yes, even onion powder like in most chips is a problem for me) I decided to eat onions every day and once I reached a certain point of exhaustion/pallor/anemia to go get a blood test run for my rbc, my blood ox, my free iron levels, AND to test for heinz bodies floating around in my blood stream (bound to other free oxygen particles) because there's no test in vivo for the enzyme to digest onions,  but there are tests for Heinz bodies.  

I mean, the blood tests confirmed that I did indeed have a high rbc, a high free iron count, a low blood ox, and the presence of Heinz bodies -- but it was probably not the most well thought out experiment for how to test my hypothesis on myself. Because, y'know it's actually a very scary type of anemia because of how long it takes to recover and there's very little can be done for it if it gets too severe except a blood transfusion which is why onions can kill dogs/cats if you don't notice the unwonted lethargy or pale gums. 

In conclusion: Don't feed your dogs or cats anything with onions! Seriously!

Also, don't feed your Dani onions either... And if your Dani insists on eating onions because they're delicious, maybe pay attention to how much onion is creeping back into her diet before she hits the sleeping 16-20 hours at a time phase.

Right. So I know this about me. I do. But. see, I really really love onions -- French Onion soup is one of my favorite soups in the entire world and caramelized onions are just ridiculously good... And just. yeah. 

So like I know that green onions, scallions, pearl onions, red onions, then yellow onions, then white onions cause the least to most oxidative stress in me AND that the bigger the onion used, the more of the compound I don't metabolize properly AND that cooked onions break down more of the compound so if I'm going to eat onions it should always be cooked not raw. I know this. I know all this. And I know that, genuinely, I just shouldn't eat any onions....

And yet. AND YET. After sleeping 19 hours straight on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday (yeah, I slept away all day yesterday; again) without a migriane or anything to excuse it, I woke up and was still exhausted, limbs feeling heavy, super chilled, extra blueish pale and it wasn't until after eating the caramelized Vidalia onions in my veggie quesadilla I made for lunch I realized, "O. O shit. I've had onions with pretty much every meal since the new year started and on Monday I had lunch fajitas for my lunch and dinner so i ate a LOT of onions that were probably large white onions before they were chopped up for the fajitas. I should probably not let me eat any more onions until I'm back to sleeping a sane number of hours. (Spoiler alert: There were onions in my dinner leftovers and my bag of chips at my desk for late night working munchies were Sweet Maui Onion kettle chips and I'm just really bad at this sometimes, ok?!)

And yet.... since discovering in 2020 the existence of Trader Joe's umami powder (which has onion powder in it) and since mid-December literally every day I've cooked me food,  it has included caramelized onions in browned butter,  finished with umami powder. For no other reason than they're fucking delicious.... 

It's not hyperbole that my skin is a more blue-ish white than this bright white long sleeve tee I'm wearing and that I can't stop tooth chattering shivering inside under 3 merino blankets right now..     

So anyway. I know better and I've been stupid and I didn't realize until today and I should really REALLY be very strict with myself now on the matter of not having any onions until I'm no longer quite so exhausted and anemic. especially because once my precogs showed me the rest of transition and the start of the new term would play out nicely, I mentally checked out gave myself permission to rest unless absolutely needed (like for a couple really close friends) because precog means I feel my emotions out of sync with the events as they occur. Always. Good and bad and everything in between. I experience them when the choices that determine the fate lines happen... So i experienced my satisfaction over the second impeachment and  my joy over the inauguration within a couple days after the insurrection and the crackdown to try to find the evidence and make them serve justice. *shrugs* It can be disconcerting though, when I'm all upset over something that isn't going to happen for another week or two or when I start to have beatific joy in the immediate aftermath of a stressful event because I get precog flashes of the good that is now going to be as a result of it. It can confuse people, that as a precog my reactions tend to be out of sync with the unfolding of events as they happen.  And we are NOT going to tell the almost 16 year old in my life (who was my older sister 2 lives ago and still mothers me even though she's younger than me) who is very fiercely protective of me even when she needed to be protective of me against myself. She gets VERY irate over me eating onions and will shout, "NO! NO ONIONS FOR DANI!!!" if she overhears that I or anyone else wants to add onions to my food.  She would be very angry and disappointed in me if she knew I once more put myself into onion-induced anemia for no reason other than temptation because i find onions delicious.

And so. What I'm saying is, sometimes I have figured out how/why something is harmful to me and I know better what I shouldn't do because I know it's bad for me but I do it anyway for no good reason except temptation "because it hasn't killed me yet" and what I really just need is someone to bop me on the nose and tell me, "NO! Don't do that! That's self-destructive and you shouldn't eat onions!" not just about onions (but really, always about onions -- you should pretty much always assume that I should never be eating onions and if I am eating onions it's actively causing harm to me that will take 30+ days to right) but also often about overthinking and/or exploring a bad premise to the very end of its bad conclusions before I say, "No. Wait. No. This conclusion is so completely fucking wrong-headed! I fucked up somewhere along the line in this train of thought and need to scrap it all and start over." 

And if you catch me being self-destructive stupid, either about eating onions and giving myself Heinz body anemia OR over drinking while a lightweight OR about bad premises leading me to G-d awful conclusions, please bop me on the nose or shake me or whatever you have to do to get me to pay attention when you say, "NO! Bad Dani! STOP IT!! Just stop! This isn't good for you, you're causing yourself harm for absolutely no reason at al!! Just STAHP!!!!"

And this is me confessing that I really need to stop eating onions now, for at least a month. And I shouldn't have decided to drink that entire bottle of wine by myself after over-consuming onions every day of the last month given my past history of hypoxia issues from my known metabolism issues with onions and my metabolic speeds of alcohol intermediaries.....

As weird as it sounds, I feel like "Have you been eating onions again?" is probably a valid question to ask me when I get too exhausted to put up with anything more. because if I'm exhibiting an "I just don't have the energy to put up with this" style reaction, then the answer is probably "Why yes, I HAVE been eating a lot of onions lately even though I know I shouldn't -- how could you tell?" And then maybe just reassure me that it's really not so bad and I should go rest and stop eating onions for a while and  wait to make any important decisions or energy intensive considerations again until I have the energy to actually give the situation the focused attention it deserves. Bonus points if you can defuse the fatalistic overthinking patterns AND get me to actually stop eating onions without me reaching the point of acting like a complete over-tired toddler about the whole situation then falling asleep in the middle of the floor, lol.

Joking aside, I really DO need to stop eating onions again... For the next month. If I can resist the temptation. Now is not the time to be willfully stupid about getting my rbc carrying capacity of oxygen so low I might actually need to go in for a blood transfusion.   On the scale from 1 to stupid ideas during a pandemic while the hospitals are all overwhelmed and a more contagious mutation is becoming dominant, that's pretty high up there on a list of stupid things to do, tbh.

Also though. I may or may not have finished that bag of Sweet Maui Onion chips last night with the logic of, "If I finish them now, they can't tempt me later." and recognized it was bad logic and I ought to have just surprise gifted shared them with other people tomorrow until they were gone. but here I am, making my onion-induced anemia get even worse before it starts to get better.... 

On the bright side, when my body shuts down and sleeps a lot from the exhaustion of anemia, your odds of finding me in shared dream space are way higher than normal because I'm asleep and thus in dream space for all those extra hours in a day.... (This is not actually a bright side. i mean it is if your goal is to meet me in dream space, but also we could just agree on a bedtime and not put me in a state of anemia that my body insists on shutting down for more hours than it's booted up..... I mean, like, there are way better ways to achieve the same ends.)

Also. I prolly wouldn't admit all that sober, or even half bottle of wine while having chronic hypoxia issues "sober-ish" tho. Tomorrow I will prolly make this admission private of how shite I've been this month about me taking care of me and nobody has noticed because I'm an introvert.... Because it's true,  but like, as long as I survive it, no matter how pale I get nobody needs to know, right? (wrong.  I know.  But,  I mean, I'm only ever good at taking care of me so as not to upset people I care about.)

But I'm sure I'll survive my shit stupid decisions and coping mechanisms of the last few weeks/month. Probably. Maybe.  I mean,  I always have before when I've made.... worse than questionable..... life choices.  So far,  my survival rate of my "not the greatest" choices in self-care is 100%. 

Lawd am I ashy blue hypoxia pale tonight though....  Been a decade or so since I last got me this oxygen depleted anemic.... Whoops! 

 Does that mean I don't want him?  Naw,  I still want Eric more than I've ever wanted anyone or anything - just not at any cost.  I'm not willing to lie or sell my ethics or be complicit in covering up actions of cruelty and bullying.  I will stand by justice and the requirements of acknowledgement and accountability after doing a wrong.

Accountability for your actions is very basic 3 year old level knowledge of right and wrong ethics that they have failed at here - when you do wrong or you hurt someone or you break something that isn't yours,  you admit it and say you're sorry.  This is the sort of right versus wrong thing that truly good people learn before they enter kindergarten.  Being unwilling to even acknowledge you (or someone you care about) did wrong is the sort of behavior pattern only bullies and narcissists and abusers engage in.  Expecting your victim to ignore or forgive your cruelty and bullying behavior patterns is only found in the abusers playbook - and while Republicans have done everything they can to normalize mental/emotional abuse behaviors,  it doesn't make it okay. Good people call out abusive behaviors when they see them - especially when it's people they know that they see engaging in them.  Anything less is cowardice and moral hypocrisy.  Taking part in the cover-up or the system of injustice makes you complicit in it,  it goes beyond condoning it by your silence into the realm of accomplice to the wrongs.  

So yeah,  I still want him and a part of me  always will because of the bond between our souls.  But I know there's no path to anything healthy or good if he's choosing a path of cowardice and hypocrisy and complicity in a system of cruelty and bullying and injustice because he doesn't have the moral backbone or the courage of his convictions to even acknowledge the wrongs that were done in the name of the entire band.  That's on him and his choices - but I'm not going to lie to myself pretend that a path built on those choices is headed anywhere I want to go.  

If he can't be a better man and at least face the possibility that the accusation of his sister's actions in 2018 might be true, then he's not a good person and all his moral/political ideals are just lines and virtue signaling. Empty words that he's not willing to stand behind in the clutch. 

That's what his choices to stay silent and complicit in the system of intentional cruelty, bullying,  and injustice has taught me about him.  And he can have neither trust nor respect from me so long as he refuses to acknowledge what happened and his part in perpetuating and taking part in that system of injustice created in the entire band's name.  

And what good do you think you can achieve when you chose a path of cowardice and hypocrisy and complicity in bullying and thus broke my trust in your morality and my respect for your character?  Exactly.  If you want a better path,  start by embracing honesty and acknowledging how we got here.  Anything less just leads to more of the same. 

And I'm genuinely astonished if you'd expect any other response. 

 You can't have trust when other people are willing to be intentionally cruel to you and you can't admire people who are hypocrites lacking in moral courage. And without trust and admiration, there is nothing real that you can build. Not now, not ever.

And given that the band and every member of it and representative of it I have attempted to contact about having been blocked on the band's official Instagram account for being honest that the country music at their shows was causing me too much nerve pain due to my color timbre synesthesia for me to continue attending their concerts so long as country music is any part of it AND that EVERY instance of going live or putting content up only on their Instagram account is an act of injustice to all fans who had been blocked from that account AND that every time they tell people to "find them on Instagram" is an ACTIVE act of bullying and cruelty given the system of ostracism they chose to create yet refuse to acknowledge or even respond to when you attempt to bring it up (either in public or private spaces) while still responding to other people is all quite damning.  

It is a conscious choice on the part of Liz and Britt and Jessie to be actively cruel, unjust, bullies, cowards, and liars in their actions.  And Eric by taking part in the system they created and upholding it and refusing to ever even respond or look into it has made himself an accomplice and guilty in acts of cruelty, injustice, bullying cowardice, and lies. 

It means that there can be nothing of any real value or real connection built for there can be neither trust nor even admiration for ANYTHING a coward or bully or liar creates. And that won't change until they're willing to confront their acts of cruelty and cowardice and bullying and acknowledge it and try to make right the wrong they have KNOWINGLY done and KNOWINGLY lied about refused to face. A rotten soul sickness infecting the core of them and destroying everything good and all of their best potential to create art that MATTERS enough to last beyond a momentary flash in the pan to your sycophantic followers who will tell you the sun shines out your ass but never tell you when you stumble into mediocrity or into outright hypocrisy of the values you used to stand for.

This is where we are. this is how it is. And nothing will ever change that until one or more of them stops being a defensive liar and coward and decides to respond and address the wrongs they have done. 

And I want nothing if it's not built on truth and trust freely given and freely accepted. Not a damn thing. From anyone. 

Therefore, there's nothing I desire that can exist from Eric or his music or his band or his sister or the friends he chooses to trust who advise him to take part in their injustice, hypocrisy, bullying, and lies.  It doesn't matter what he does or what he tries to pretend he believes in, if he's not willing to confront his own cruelty and acts of bullying, then he's no better than any other person who defends the bullying white supremacist because they're family and have been kind to him.  The ethics and actions are the same, the scale is simply different.

 You can't buy your way back to a clean conscience. And you can't expect healing or conciliation until there is accountability for the wrongs that you knowingly or unknowingly took part in. Especially the wrongs you have done but refuse to face and instead seek to bury or cover up in the hopes they will go away. Your soul will always know, the person you wronged will always know, and EVERY power/divinity that exists will know. For all of time, you will never wash that blood clean. Not so long as you continue to try to defensively lie about it and hide from the cruelty that you created and/or knowingly took part in. And no matter who you lie to or how you lie to yourself or who you make believe you spoke truth when you gave them lies -- the truth still IS. And there is no cleansing any of it even the smallest bit until you're ready to at least consider the wrongs done rather than defensively try to hide it or lie it away.  And then if you want healing, that starts with accountability for the pain you were a part of causing and nowhere else. 

This is what comes of believing lies because you believe the person had your best interests at heart and allowing your/their defensiveness to make you cruel when someone tells you that your/their actions cause them pain and refusing to even acknowledge the wrongs you have done. I feel nothing but disdain and disappointment in my heart for Britt at this point for her manipulations throughout all of  it and the moral depravity that she and Liz and Jessie have inserted into the very heart of the band and turned it into a hollow false face of who/what they intended themselves to be when they started.

This isn't about the wrongs the girls have committed, this is about Eric's choices to be complicit in their wrongs rather than seeking truth and doing what's ethically right. He didn't even have the courage to respond when told about it -- though he's had no difficulty in responding to other people. And that's not a judgement on anyone's choices but his own, it's a judgement on his actions not anyone else's.  He made those choices, he acted as he saw fit -- and like cause and effect there are consequence to his cowardice and believing defensive lies rather than even looking into the truth when it's given him.  Even if you believe an accusation false, don't you feel a moral obligation to at least investigate it once posed?  No, not if you're a coward who would rather allow others to do your choosing for you because it's easier than actually considering an uncomfortable truth that you don't want to be true.  But you owe it to yourself to try to prove it false, to at least look into it. Otherwise if you're not even willing to make your own objective pursuit to prove or disprove which side is speaking truth, you're a shitty scientist and a shitty philosopher and a moral relativist.

And I have no intention of witnessing their corruption and descent any further than the confirmation of over half of the members failing their ethics test that the Universe gave them. The Universe watched through my eyes as they knowingly and in free will chose the course of cruelty and injustice even when offered ways to make things right if only they were willing to confront it rather than try to deny it or ignore it away.

And that's on them and their choices. Not for a lack of opportunities offered to them to make right what the girls did wrong and have been defensively covering up and making worse rather than admitting and coming clean. Ever notice that telling the truth has the same imagery as making good the wrongs you committed in the past and removing physical grime.

And recognizing that truth about his choices/actions means letting go is more of a consequence, a cause and effect, then a choice. If he can't be a version of him worthy of trust and admiration, then what the hell could I even be hoping to build by staying or letting him in? *shrugs* I hope he finds whatever happiness it is he seeks on the path he has chosen for himself -- but my trust, my admiration, my love are off the table for him and for anything he creates on any path that doesn't include honesty  and justice and empathy. And this path he's chosen, whether entirely of his own free will or under the influence of his sister's manipulation, has shown by his  actions it is not that sort of path... And no matter where he goes or what he does or where it takes him, my trust and my admiration and my love will not be found on it. Not on any path that condones taking part in cruelty, bullying, and systems of injustice rather than confronting them. 

 I have said, many times, that I would fight anyone or anything that sought to come between us EXCEPT his choices which I will not raise a finger against.  

That's still true.  And even if his choices are influenced or manipulated by others,  they are still his choices.  And thus I will do nothing to fight them.  I will simply accept his free will choices and move forward accordingly.  

Not because I don't want to fight for what I desire,  but because free will is sacrosanct. And what meaning could there ever be in forcing a heart to give what isn't freely given? 

So don't expect me to fight his choices.  I won't.  I will accept his choices and set my course accordingly. 

Look,I didn't say I like it, it makes me quite heartsick. But I'm just saying how it tends to work around me in my lives .  If you fail the same soul test for the third time in a row, then there's nothing I can do to keep you in my life. If I fight the path of another soul's karmic path because I don't like it, the Universe will just terminate that life of mine and you'll lose me in your life anyway. It has happened many times before in the past. If you can't pass a karmic soul test, it is better for the both of us if you let our paths diverge.... At least then there's some chance that in the future if you do learn the lesson(s) needed, you have a chance of finding me again in that same life -- especially in a life like this one which is a reward life on the sidelines of history where I asked for my reward that I always be surrounded in love and that any soul seeking me be able to find me. Once the block of the lessons your choices made you have to learn the hard way is removed by passing the soul test, then your desire to find me again will bring our paths back together. Of course we may be different then, and the version of you that you will have become may discover that you outgrew me and no longer want/need me.... But find me again you will once you learn the lessons you're evading and pass the karmic soul test you failed three times in your encounters/interactions with me. (Reminder though; Even after you pass a karmic soul test, you will be constantly retested on it until you have proven you learned it truly.)  

I don't make or choose the soul tests, but being around me tends to be a catalyst for healing and for spiritual growth and that includes karmic path soul testings. I generally have no idea what a soul needs to be tested on when I meet them -- I only recognize it once they're in it for the first testing. I can try to delay it and put it off before the re-testing happens to give more time to learn to be better if a given soul test has been failed... but I can't save you from the test once the process starts no more than i can take it for you. It's not something I'm an active role in or have any say in, it just tends to be something that happens in people's lives after crossing my path as an opportunity for them to spiritually level up. But that can't and won't happen until you pass the lessons you're currently stuck at. It works that way for every incarnating spirit (including me.)

Of course I recognize it would be simpler just not to fail the karmic lessons tests.... But, those aren't my choices, they're not my lessons. So that option is out of my power and on you.... I can recognize a karmic test and I can give advice, if asked, about what the test is and why it's manifesting in your soul's path and what it is you need to learn from it for spiritual growth instead of regression and what you will learn from a path of failure....But I can't take the karmic tests for you, it doesn't matter how anyone else would do on them since they're not the ones whose lessons are being tested. Your soul, your karmic journey, your soul tests -- nobody else can pas it for you. It's not a lack of love, just a recognition of the deeper truths in the rules and reasons of reincarnation in the cycle of souls as a means of learning. 

So yes, it would be easier not to fail at a karmic lesson and a soul test. of course it would. And it would make me selfishly happy as it wouldn't require me letting go and watching our paths diverge while you learn the spiritual truths the hard way.... Of course I'd rather have that happen! There's just nothing I can do to make that happen.  And it hurts, but I need to stare the truth in the eyes because I'd rather not be sideswiped by it if you fail a given soul test three times and our paths need to diverge for a time. The only way out is through -- and how long it takes for you to learn your lessons and get it right to pass a soul test is on you and your inner growth. it's not a thing I can alter or do for you or in any way change the fatelines.  Only you passing or failing the soul test will determine which fate line we follow. 

It guts me to think of having to lose him when we've gotten this close this time.... Waves and tsunamis of deep sorrow over it will hit me out of nowhere.... But it would be worse for me to try to force hanging on when his soul path needs to take him away from me so he can learn the lessons of the soul test he failed  -- if I resist that necessity, then one of our lives will be truncated and I have no idea how long it will take for our lives to cross again in the future.... The Universe tends to punish resistance to karma as the means of enforcing the lessons of the cycle of souls.... It would be best not to fail the soul lesson for a third time -- and barring that, it is best to disengage gently with as much love as possible and the promise that once the lessons are learned and fully integrated so it's karmically earned then we will find each other once more, in this life or any other and then put your head down get to work on learning the lessons.  

But yeah, not failing for a third time would be even better. I just can't choose that path and manifest it -- not my lessons, not my soul test, not my karmic path to determine between these fate lines....  My influence ends at acknowledging that it IS a soul test about karmic lessons and whether a person is currently passing or failing that test while they're in the window of opportunity for taking it. That's all i can do this time as well. 

Or you can just ignore this last warning and pretend it's not happening and delay in inaction and not choosing what to do and so lose the window of opportunity and have me slip out of your possibilities.  I mean, that's also a choice you can make. Your soul. Your karmic path. Your choice. Your test to pass or fail.

To be more clear: Eric hasn't failed his karmic soul lesson test yet, but he's in the process of failing. And every day he doesn't choose better (choosing inaction IS a choice,  and often the wrong one - and it's ALWAYS the wrong one around issues of bullying,  systems of injustice, and taking accountability so a process if healing can begin) is a day that I need to bring my heart and head both into a place of acceptance of his (in) action(s) as what his free will has chosen and what that means for his soul's karmic path and his life journey this life.  

It doesn't really matter anyone else's influences or manipulation or what situations they "trapped" him in - he still chose silence and inaction and taking part in the bullying/cruelty rather than acknowledging the system of injustice and fighting to fix it. And that's HIS choice as to what he does or doesn't do once he has been made aware of the wrong - that's not on anybody's soul but his. 

I don't need to like it,  it doesn't need to conform to any damn thing I have ever wanted - but I do need to accept and respect it as his choices in free will for where he is on his soul's journey at this time.  

When I visited one of my cousins then living in L.A.because I'd had recurring vision dreams of her drowning if I didn't go and only I could keep her afloat through the seas she was in (I succeeded but my vision dreams were very clear before I booked the flight that she would die drowning in a sea of sorrows if I wasn't there -- the dreams stopped immediately as soon as I booked the ticket but I very nearly missed the window of her need -- she only held on for some of that time by knowing I was en route to her.) It also coincided with a couple Delta Rae concerts in L.A. and San Francisco so I went to both (I had a family friend then living in Oakland who wanted me to drive up to visit as long as I was in California and I love the Bay area -- it was the year that the landslide blocked the interstate the day I needed to drive up and so I drove the Pacific Highway both ways.) My cousin I was staying with to help heal through her tough time came with me to the L.A. show. She is a highly intuitive with a lot of gifts though she blocks her own gifts and I can't teach her how to use them until she has her healing growth that must come before I fully awaken them. But her empath gifts intuition are awake and I made sure they would stay that way as a protection for her while in Los Angeles so she wouldn't get used and hurt beyond her ability to learn from it and rise above the lessons.  

Anyway. My cousins reaction to them was, "Stay away from them Dani. They're not real. They're fake the way that soul sucking sellouts are and now I live in L.A. I have immediate warning bells encountering that type. The two girls will sell out anything for an empty promise of becoming famous and the piano player is dazzled by cult of celebrity and can be convinced by them it's a good idea. Which is half the band which means convincing anyone else makes a majority to sell out anyone or anything in the pursuit of fame. You can't trust them, they'd sell out any ethics and any person for the empty promise of becoming famous."

At the time I didn't believe her read but I did acknowledge I might be too close to see the truth so I'd put myself on guard for signs of what she said-- I mean it was right after they'd written and started performing All Good People after all and surely anyone who could write that song wasn't the sort to sell out ethics or people for fame. But when they signed to Big Machine and then announced they were a country band, all my own warning bells went off and I was reminded of what my cousin had read in them. Even if the country music at their shows didn't cause me intense physical nerve pain due to my synesthesia (which it does -- enough nerve pain that at EVERY time a note or the modulation through the twang goes off key I involuntarily flinch and twitch as if I've been hit with a whip or received a strong electric shock) I would have taken a step back to view them objectively and seeing what they would sell out following that.  She was right and I was given warning of this truth about them.

Here's the thing with me and my function as a Hand of Ma'at across all my lives -- for individual souls, I tend to show up as an earned opportunity, a catalyst, a healer, and a teacher.  I never show up in people's lives other than as an opportunity for growth to help them level up their gifts and heal their scars of the past -- but I can't make the choices for other people and I won't help anyone who chooses not to learn their lessons. Could I have helped them to become better versions of themselves? Yes. Did they fail the testing to be able to spiritually level up by their defensive rejection of being told the honest truth that their choices were causing another person physical pain that would culminate in them ceasing to be a fan or give the music a chance? Yes, they did. Liz failed in victim blaming cruelty by trying to tell me that my pain wasn't real and I should "be more open or I'd miss out on good things in life" and Britt failed by refusing to EVER acknowledge her cruelty and wrongs she did trying to bury/hide it instead (and nothing grows or gets better without first acknowledging the wrongs that were done, ESPECIALLY in personal growth) and Eric failed by choosing to follow other people's lead in not acknowledging or fixing what was broken instead of listening to his own ethics of right and wrong. 

I am not saying this to be cruel and I'm not saying it to judge them -- I'm saying it as a simple truth because these are soul lessons that they need to learn and I will not cross any of their paths again (in any life) until they learn their given lesson and earn an opportunity to find me again.  I can't learn their lessons for them or force them to choose to grow and become a better version of themselves and level up spiritually. This isn't my choice, this is about their karmic paths and the fate lines an individual soul's choices determine for them. (Incidentally, if you will sell out your ethics for fame, you will never create anything that will last beyond your lifetime. It takes integrity and truth from the soul to create ANYTHING that lasts beyond your own lifetime. Anything made in an attempt to become famous will perish on the dustbin of history.  Their willingness to do this is what has stopped them from achieving it despite all of the opportunities that have littered their career path because the Universe smiled on the reasons they STARTED the band and what they stood for before they started to sell things that should have mattered to them for the promise of fame. This is also not something I can change or affect -- these are karmic rules.  And it's infuriating with them as they had enough potential and enough talent and enough magic and enough good in them to attract a Hand of Ma'at to weigh them and see if they deserved for their art to make a big enough splash and to last and be a part of making this world better. And they chose that they'd rather have fame than stand by the good and the ethically right course -- and so they have lost their opportunity. And they could have done so much good with what they create if only they hadn't failed their testing....) 

I said that I wanted to know his choices before I left -- but I was refusing to see that he'd already shown me his choices. They just weren't the choices I wanted him to make so I was refusing to acknowledge them. And that was wrong of me. I must accept his choices as being his choices rather than trying to make them fit my own selfish desires and ideas of what his choices ought to have been or ought to be. His choices are his to make -- and I must accept them as such or I'm not respecting him or his choices.

I recently discovered Nicholas Ashbaugh as an intuitive and tarot reader and he's super brilliant!! He has such a pretty energy color too -- that was the first thing I noticed at the image linking to his videos after the Bronx reading for Libra in January. AND then I watched his Libra video for January and he STARTS every video by cuddling his dog Apollo while talking. EVERY video has cute puppy time in it!!!! I also saw his book the times I've been at Barnes & Noble in December and January adn it called ot me, but I was being strict with myself about not giving new authors a chance and only getting books on my mental list already due to budgetary reasons -- but every time it called to me (I was in scifi right by it checking Pierce Brown books remember) and I promsied it I'd come back and take a look at The Luminous Ones when I came back for books exploring shopping. I'll be buying it the next time I have a B&N coupon. Or perhaps on an Amazon order since I have Christmas money form my grandma there. And I need to figure out what to spend it on so I can tell her and thank her for it... I've not been very good with keeping in contact with her the last several years while the futures have bee in such fluxes I've been focusing on healing friends/family and places that needed me and in some cases were almost too broken to heal AND given my lack of a sense of flow of time I didn't realize how much time has passed since I last properly reached out to her.  I should do that, I've been neglecting her and now I realize I feel bad about that.... Anyway. Back to Nicholas Ashbaugh as an intuitive -- he's really really good! Long, but thorough and very good energy readings! And one of the things he emphasizes is to accept that other people's choices are on them and if they reject what you have to offer then you accept that as being on them and don't be afraid of letting go for transformations to happen -- but when you do walk away, you need to do so without burning bridge and make sure you wish them no harm on their path.  And I knew all that, but in this case I was so deeply hurt by Eric's choices that I haven't been able to do that properly and my own inability to do that has karmically kept me tethered to him and to all of this.  And that's not fair to anyone involved here. I have to accept his choices, past and present, and his own refusal to acknowledge the wrongs done in the name of the entire band because it's a statement of his ethics and what he's willing to sell out that he refuses to right the wrongs of which he and his loved ones are personally guilty. These are the hardest wrongs to acknowledge, but it's where real growth and atonement MUST happen. Refusing to do it when you're guilty means that no matter how you'd call out the bullying of others it only comes from a place of guilt for you doing it rather than from a place of knowing it's wrong....

I am only allowed to stay in people's lives for as long as they choose to hang onto me (whether that's for their healing, for their love of me, or sadly because they failed a soul test three times and now must learn lessons without me as a teacher) and as long as I'm not needed elsewhere. That's what it means for me to be faithful to Justice, to hold free will sacrosanct and for me to be serving Truth allowed to keep my strong spiritual gifts to serve as an active Hand of Ma'at in the incarnation.  Those are the bounds on my own powers I accepted when I said "if not me than who?" and chose to incarnate to deal with some things in the Creation that could only be dealt with by an incarnated spirit not an unincarnated one. it's my entire purpose for being bound into the wheels of karma as the rules for reincarnating souls and to choose incarnation for myself. There will come a time when I cease incarnating for my work willbe done and I will once more live among the fairfolk/angels/devas/deities of the unincarnated differentiated spirits. But while I'm here incarnating, there are rules I must obey that I bound myself by and principles greater than any given life experiences of mine that I must remain faithful to in my chaotic good wandering -- and those are Divine Justice and Unveiled Truth and the sanctity of free will.

It is time for me to give Eric the true "Ave Atque" ( I dislike the Roman as a society but there are individuals from it and thinkers among them who I admire -- including Catullus)  in this life and trust that the path he has chosen and is currently choosing will take him where he needs to go even if it's a place of forcing him to learn the lessons the hard way after the chance to learn them and grow from them in a gentler way.

Whether he finds me again in this life I don't know -- that will depend on his choices and whether he learns the necessary soul lessons that he has failed at. He has chosen to side with cruelty not empathy, he has chosen to side with defensiveness protectionism hiding mistakes rather than facing them to learn from them or make right the wrongs, and he has chosen to side with being manipulated by others rather than listening to the ethics of right versus wrong.  And so he has told me what he chooses at this point in his life. And I can't condone those choices, they are the choices of bullies and cowards and must be condemned rather than saying they're okay. He has to choose to be better and to take actions to show that he has learned those lessons and why they matter before he can have another opportunity of finding and reaching me -- and whenever he does he will be tested on the lessons he was supposed to have already learned. That's how the Universe works. For all of us.

So it's time for me to let him go with the hail and farewell recognizing that his path to growth doesn't have me on it now that he's made the choices he has made. You get three chances with me to choose differently before you lose me again until your lesson is learned.  Sometimes I fail, or rather they fail, and the opportunity I offered them as a teacher-healer is lost to them. And it always hurts me to fail, but free will matters more than my own pain or the pain I see others will endure. By not choosing to respond this third time I have reached out to him personally with the offer for him to acknowledge and fix this and he has once more chosen to ignore it rather than deal with it, he has rejected the path of healing/growth for the third and final time.  This truly is his last chance to choose a different path other than the one where I leave him and he can't find me until his lessons are learned -- and he's actively choosing to lose me this time by his inaction of not choosing to deal with this. And I can't choose his choices for him.  I must accept them and the paths they determine because of the sanctity of his free will. I can't even pressure him to change his choices -- I can only give him opportunities/chances to choose and  give him advice if he chooses in free will to ask me for my advice or precogs. And so me leaving and him being unable to reach/find me IS how it will stand if he stands in this choice he has made over this last week. 

Three times Eric chose this path, and I can't give him further opportunities until he learns this another way and not through the faster catalysis that could have been if he'd chosen differently. I was warned about this trait in him and he has made the choice not to face it and learn from it and be better. So now he must learn the lesson by the path of loss and pain and watching everything fall apart and he will feel empty inside until he learns the lesson and learns it true.  I have other souls to offer opportunities for healing and teaching in my wandering of this reward life -- and I won't recognize them or have the energy for them if I obsessively hold onto the failure. i didn't want to give him the test or push it for the third time because I knew what it would mean if he failed it a third time (and he IS failing it now for the third time) and I've known the cost of him failing it for a third time would be higher than me just leaving in a fit of pique without testing him -- it's why I fought so hard to keep me non-reactionary until his choices forced the third testing out of me.... And now it's done and unless something happens so he chooses differently and stops failing this third time of the test, it's time for me to accept and choose the higher path  for myself and to go wherever I'm needed now. It's at least time for me to accept that he's failing his karmic soul test for the third time, after him choosing to take it now of all times,  and for me to accept the consequences of that failure if he persists in failing it. I will grieve over it, but I will accept it. And I will look for the joy in all the moments I have no matter who is or isn't a part of it be it by their choices or mine. 

It is time to end this cycle so a a new on ecan begin. And me refusing to acknowledge his past and present choices is me clinging to the old cycle rather than accepting the growth of the new cycle.... And that would have consequences for me and my own karmic path if I don't choose to accept the truth of it and then let it go now. 

Ave atque vale my love. Until the lessons have been learned for our paths to path once more, ave atque vale.