So I've been sitting pretty comfortably in the place of acceptance within me that I'm done repeating the toxic cycles and patterns that were created by the choices Britt and Liz made for themselves as individuals and for the band as a collective back in 2018 and that the ripple of those choices have created a set of circumstances in which there is no place for me within Eric's life as he lives it this life -- and that's how it is for him and with him. That there is nothing within my own life that rejects him or says he has no place in it, all of it is coming from the attachments on his life and how he allows them to decide his life path and life choices for him and define what is and isn't to be in his life -- and that's about him and his path and his lessons and his boundaries and there's really nothing for me to do about it other than accept the truths that I have been shown by these repeating patterns. And, at least for right now, that doesn't hurt or anger or even sadden me any longer. I've just been accepting it and setting it aside and focusing on what and who IS in my life and not bothering my pretty little head or troubling my heart over whatever/whoever doesn't want to be in my life or isn't allowed to be in my life because of third party restrictions they embrace/allow.  Which has probably been easier because I've been held so close and loved so very much by so many within the Irish music community and just so welcomed and wanted for the last month. Will I sit in the same head/heart space now that those highs are being equalized back down to the everyday quotidian norm of my life as it is at this time? Je ne sais pas. On verra. But for right now, I have no expectations one way or the other and not even letting me desire or want anything from that connection (or lack thereof) because there's no rejection or obstacles from my side or any connections to me -- they're all due to his attachments within his life and the boundaries/obstacles they have placed in his path to determine his life path and where he is headed and where he is blocked. *shrugs* And how can I unblock his path when the blocks have nothing to do with anyone in my life and only to do with choices people attached to him in his life created and still maintain? They quite literally only exist at all to me in my life due to their connection to him.

Speaking of my month long Irishfesting... I shook loose many past lives in others and they helped me reawaken other past lives of my own that I hadn't looked into in a long while, and certainly not while so fixated on this one connection across past lives. I'm used to me shaking up to the conscious mind the past lives of others, but I'm not used to it happening to me to remember ones I've not thought of in a long time or parts of past selves I've not looked at in a long time.  I was expecting a bit of sadness in me when the last of the two weekends seeing Seo Linn rolled around. And I did and I still am, I still miss them very much am looking forward to whenever I next get to see them. But what I didn't see coming is how deeply I'm missing Diarmaid (who I'd never crossed paths with in this life before this Irish season) and how intensely sad it's been making me all week to be facing the truth that after four weekends in a row (and some weekdays as well) of getting to see/hear and opportunities to have a wee chat with him and all the lads of Onoir, I won't be getting to see or hear them in person this weekend or see him light up in a big glowing heart lit smile as I've gotten accustomed to seeing every week -- and I've just felt such a sorrow inside me over that truth.  Which I didn't see coming and rather surprised me. Because I've spent a lot of my life loving music and befriending (and dating) musicians and singers, but I've never had the missing heartsick sorrow over the absence instead of presence and not knowing when I'll see them next and feeling it as a wrongness in my life rather than accepting "this is how it is and how this works and I'll see them again as soon as our paths cross once more." That has had me very surprised by the truth of this isness and pensive about the weight it's put upon my heart and curious about the why of it all this week.  And it did blindside me -- for how could I have expected that of anyone who I'd never met or crossed paths with in this life before 27 days ago?

I don't know that I hold any expectations inside me of anything going further with Keith or Andrea or Diarmaid or anyone from within the Irish music scene -- after all it's a small close knit scene where everybody knows everything about everyone so I've never dated within the Irish music scene community because any messiness would be sooooo messy. Messier than any of my past relationships making me decide to keep temporary people distinct from permanent people in my life as much as possible.  But I'm at least going to be honest about what it is I'm feeling. And right now, I'm missing Seo Linn but I'm more strongly missing genuinely sad inside over not seeing Diarmaid and the other guys of Onoir this weekend and not even knowing when I'll next cross paths with them.

It is what it is and I will see how it all unfolds and what happens.  It's just a bit funny to me, the intensity of my heart aching over not seeing someone this weekend as I have for the past 4 weekends when they're someone I'd never set eyes on in this lifetime before a month ago.

I actually haven't had much going on this week -- Tues night dinner for the soft opening of the new Vintage Brewing Co location in Cross Plains and finally watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics with my mum and Crissy, tomorrow (today now) Mikaela (my little sister cousin unrelated to me; she's an only child and I was in university when she was born and her mom, who has worked at my parents store since I was 13 or so was like a bonus aunt unrelated tome; Sarah never had any other kiddos, so I remain the closest thing Mikaela has ever had to a sibling even though I'm so much older than her) is coming over to hang out with me and the animals during the day (her college classes started already this Monday) which will be just hanging out with the fur babies and drinking coffee/tea and reading and chatting when we both feel like it. And then Sunday tickets to see this production of King Lear at APT with Mikaela, Crissy, Denis, and Karissa. Then next week is also pretty slow in my life (my plan is to use it for catching up on chores and reading -- in all the weeks of Irish fest season, while I got some reading done, I didn't have enough hours in the day/week for me to FINISH any of the books I was in the middle of reading...) Which is pretty well on point for Virgo season -- tidying up and getting the laundry done and reading and taking care of my plants and giving myself some hermit introvert recharge time for a bit. Honest truly, next week other than fitting in my hours of work for next week all my have tos are that next Thursday I'm taking my grandma to an appointment and on the Saturday I need to check in on Henry for Crissy while she's up north visiting her dad. 

But anyway, if you wanted to know the state of my heart: 1) I'm not feeling anything at all beyond the acceptance of the way it is regarding coming to terms about the third party attachments to Eric that have created the blocks and obstacles on anything happening there and that as long as they exist I'm not going to allow myself rapprochement without changing the toxic dynamics because it's just a repeating cycle and I don't need to keep cutting myself on the same damn nails that ain't changing and 2) I'm surprised at the sorrowing and heart hurting in me over not seeing some of the people from my Irish fest season, and while I expected to miss Keith and the Seo Linn guys, the most surprising emptiness and sorrow over it is not getting to see Diarmaid this weekend when he's someone I'd not even crossed paths with in this lifetime a month ago. Sometimes it be like that. And as to the why of it and the what will come of it, I don't know -- right now I'm just letting me feel what I feel and acknowledge the truths in that.

 O right yeah, I'm still alive and doing well! (Doing some good too -- I worked 16.5 hours poll working the primary at a very busy polling place in addition to my 40 hours of work -- and I did it when I only had 90 hours total for everything (including sleep) between getting home from La Crosse Irishfest to heading to Milwaukee for Thurs first day of Milwaukee.  Also i was so competent and good at it that I've somehow now ended up on the fast track to becoming a chief inspector to run a poll site?... And here I am not ever even working a general election yet, as I told them and they said that didn't matter I have the right sort of good memory detail oriented intelligence needed. Not sure how I feel about the jumping right in this deep end, but here I am now. But fast tracked for that path of learning NOT to lead a poll site for this presidential general election, thank the gods! This one is gonna be messy busy and not the time to jump into THAT deep a deep end, lol.)

I just finished Milwaukee Irishfest (the third of four Irishfests this August) and Sunday night stayed at the after party chatting with musician friends and friend friends. Stayed up chatting at the hotel didn't leave to head home til around 8am. Great craic, great conversation. I'm still laughing at how competitive Cassi gets and watching her and Alisdair competitive shotgunning Whiteclaws (he has gluten allergy, so he only drinks vodka and vodka drinks. I know, a Scotsman who only drinks vodka, lol.)

Honestly, right now I'm just living for the craic of incredible musicians and songwriters and singers and friends and communities of people who not only welcome me and want me and invite me to show up be there spend time with them but get incredibly excited that I accepted the invitations and am there sharing the moments!!!! The sessions were so tasty and I laughed so hard at getting stopped at a table of the very elder Irish musicians/singers who insisted that we couldn't pass them go hang out with people we've met before until we had each sung a song for them and introduced ourselves. They also kept insisting I had been up on the stage that day, specifically during the Scattering and didn't believe me I wasn't there and then Enda came over because he knows them wondered how we ended up chatting up that table and I asked him to please tell them I hadn't been onstage for the Scattering, just at the Scattering in the crowd -- he just laughed and winked and gave everyone hugs before letting himself be pulled away leaving me to deal with this on my own. It was a mad mad evening on Sunday night, but in the best possible ways! And the sessions were quite tasty before they broke up for the night. (Whitney, a very good flute player but not a performer and a bit introvert shy waits to join in sessions until they get going and have other pipers so she doesn't feel too stared at overthinking any messed up notes, and I started a random ADHD joking about waiting for tasty sessions and she promised to make sure to come find me and catch my eye mime me our ridiculous "tasty" signal so I could come join not get sensory overload overwhelmed in the ego driven chatty main lobby area sidetracked lost in conversation miss the amazing music happening in the back rooms of the after party.) 

Anyway, all I have this week other than working and rest/recovery (I slept all day after i got back in the morning when most people are at work starting their days, lol) is going to see Kings of Connaught with Heidi on Tuesday at Bur Oak. (She had an extra ticket wanted to know if anyone wanted to go so I said yes.) Friday I'll be driving down to Peoria Illinois for their Irishfest, but only the Fri and Sat of it. (And maybe Sunday at Gaelic Park in Chicago if I can convince Crissy of it.) But Misti, Amy, and Kelly will all be there and we're staying in the same hotel as Misti and Kelly this time which means likely staying up late drinking whiskey with them and chatting even if we don't hang out with the Onoir lads (new Irish friends, from Donnegal, four guys with crazy beautiful harmonies; only a couple songs of their own composition but a lot of amazing versions of classic songs from the Irish tradition and then country/soul/old r&B classics. also piano, guitar (both acoustic and electric), and drum -- even the drummer sings leads as well as harmonies. Their voices are absolutely stunning, and if I'm all the way honest there's more than a little bit of mutual crushing light flirtation when we get to talking that's going on between Diarmaid and me.) I think Drowsy Lads (who are from Ohio) will be in Peoria and unless we go for their 20th concert party in Columbus Ohio, it will be the only chance to see them this autumn/winter. But I don't expect to hang out with them Friday night and Saturday night/Sunday will be a long drive back so probably to staying to drink and have the craic too late with everyone. Mais on verra.

Anyway. So while I haven't been writing here, I've not really been overthinking or anything. Mostly I've been just living life of joy and dancing and music and laughter and hugs and whiskey and beer and friends from all over the fucking world (and making new friends from all over the country and world, not just the Italians I grew closer to but add some Japanese Irish musicians -- I'm actually super excited for the new friends from Sioux Falls with a Great Dane and a brewery, instant click "right sort of people" met while walking into the fest and complimented her bag and talking about his Skerryvore jersey and then we kept weaving together finding each other in the most random crowded places of the thousands of people at Sunday Irishfest, lol.) And honestly, I'm mostly pouring myself and my energy in showing up and creating moments of joy with the people and things that are ACTUALLY present in my life and make it clear they not only want me but invite me in show enthusiasm and excitement when I do show up and have the craic share moments of joy and laughter and music all woven together.)  The Kilted Magician was also delightful and amazing and I STILL can't figure out most of his tricks AND he told me the most beautiful ever love story of how he and his wife of forty years met and started dating -- I want a film version of it! I promised we'd see him at Appleton Irishfest (in September) which is also the only chance I have to see Skerryvore with how their tour shaped up this fall.

Also. As wyrd and fée as I am, I love that the Irish and Scots react to my wyrd with joy and let me be me qua me and are grateful appreciate all the energy and spiritual gifts and light working rather than reacting from fear or standoffishness the way most Christian Americans do. I'm never a loner when I'm in Celtic lands and places and peoples, everyone is glad at seeing me welcomes and invites me in with joy tries to get me to stick around and play in the shininess of the shared moments.  The Irish and Celtic scenes are the most inclusive I've ever met -- followed by some of the punk scenes.

But anyway, I'm still here, I'm good. Across the two weekends with Seo Linn before they flew back to Europe for the French Interceltique festival, Keith and I got closer rapprochement and danced around each other without actually opening up the relationship can of worms (I've actually never dated anyone within the Irish music community because it's so tight knit everybody knows everybody so any sort of messiness becomes a communal messiness.)  This is the first I've seen Keith in person since last year (and the end/healing after his rocky breakup with his COVID recovery era girlfriend when leaving Ireland and music as a career was questionable if the concert/fest scene would ever even be allowed to return) and I realized just how hard everyone is trying to set us up give him opportunities to make a move of some sort, including his (married) band mates and mutual friends who are closer to the band than I am. Also including some people I hadn't suspected of it before until I saw it this year....  But everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE has been trying so hard to get us together and I only just realized that over the weekend. And, as busy as they all were over the weekend between sets (Saturday they picked up a bonus set because of Elephant Sessions travel woes, so they played a set, then Keith had a solo set, then another high energy full band set) and Irish language teaching workshops, by Sunday I felt like I had acquired another half dozen protective brothers with the other guys keeping an eye on me wandering all day for Keith's sake. Which is when I realized I have absolutely no space bubble energy issues with ANY of the Seo Linn guys, they can get up right close to me without me necessarily realizing (and that includes Keith's cousin Davey who does Irish historical research and often comes with them to Irish festivals stateside to give lectures and help photog/video document for the guys.) Which is highly unusual for me. And I know this because especially in Iowa, everywhere I went, unless they were physically onstage singing or teaching somewhere (and then I was typically at their stages) I kept turning around finding one of their members right up  near me keeping a protective watchful eye on me like suddenly acquiring a half dozen brothers trying to bring me and Keith together and keep an eye on me make sure I don't get myself into too much trouble in my wandering, lol. 

So yeah, nothing personal or anything -- but I am very much focusing right now on investing myself and my life and my energy into the people and moments and music and communities where I am welcomed open armed and invited and WANTED and everyone gets excited to see me when I do choose to show up.