It's ridiculous for it to be like this given I didn't do anything different from usual - just washed it let it air dry AND I'm in terrible need of a haircut -- I have absolutely terrible split ends right now and it definitely is causing the curls to get caught on each other so I don't have much curl at all for me and I won't til I snip off those split ends. The question is, will I leave it long just get a trim and relayer it OR should I cut it short again and go for a curly bob in honor of entering the roaring 20s 2.0 (à la Queenie in the first Fantastic Beasts movie -- but I'm not bleaching it. Spent too much of my last life bleaching my hair, I've never even dyed it or desired to dye it this life, lol. Just cut like that.) Been a hot minute since I last chopped it all off, and it grows so fast it can be long again whenever I decide I want it long. But, I do love my tangled mane of curls -- it's how it's been most of my life this life. Especially with how fast it grows.
AND it's ridiculous because I'm not spending time tonight with anyone but my dog and all my plants at work -- working late into the wee hours/early morning with my dog because i didn't feel up to seeing people for more than a short interaction coming into work right before close to have a short overlap with everyone before they left today. (I self isolate when upset. Which is unhealthy but it's how I deal until I get my emotions under control. It's because as an empath, I can feel when my emotional state brings other people down, and so then it just makes me hurt worse when I upset people I care about who aren't able to help make me happier feel better. Its' also because putting on a false front, a smile and a surface glitter of my usual shininess takes a lot out of me when I'm unhappy grieving underneath it. The combination of feeling when I bring people down disappoint them AND the drain on me to put out my energy than I'm renewing in me are the reasons I self-isolate. There are a very few people I like to be around when I'm upset, they're all the people who renew me with their presence, which is a rare thing for an introvert to find. It's also why I can't do anything about the sadness in my eyes. Sorry, but it just is. And it will remain that way, even if I hide it in my eyes most of the time I'm around people, until I find a better way out or until I have to see through my best option I can find on my own then heal up from what that choice will cost.)
2) I'm really excited that Rodrigo y Gabriela are in town tonight, but I LOATHE that Frank Productions (the local event promotions company that's been here forever) sold out to live nation an almost controlling share and part of the deal was to move everything they promote AND the major venues they own to Ticketmaster. So The Orpheum, the Majestic, AND the newest venue of theirs they built in the last year or so The Sylvee are all Ticketmaster. Which means that the fees for buying a pair of tickets is now $26. Making my $70 for two gen ad tickets total $96.60 after all the taxes and fees. (At least they're REAL gen ad, not fake gen ad due to the stupid VIP thing that's all the rage of Nashville and L.A. artists. I don't actually dislike the VIP thing as far as a "fans will pay for a smaller intimate set" and I would and I have SO LONG AS VIP DOES NOT INCLUDE EARLY ACCESS FOR THE SHOW. See, the point of gen ad shows, historically, and where that scene comes from is a big eff you to tiered price levels and as an early part of the punk scene was about the democratizing of music. The point is if you want to be front row, you don't have to have more money to be there -- you stand out front and you wait. It means if you're barely busting your ass to make ends meet you can still be up front. It means if you're a teenager scraped the money for the show together and your parents dropped you off you can be up front. By letting VIP people get in early instead of standing in queue, you're commodifying love and you are making it so the ONLY people who will ever be in that front row are those who paid extra money. It means that NOBODY who has a hard time just affording the show but who loves you dearly will ever be front row at those shows. It means that someone who wants to be front row now has to pay this extra bit -- and that means if money's tight they won't buy a shirt which would have repped you beyond the show and given them endless opportunities to tell everyone who asks just how wonderful you are. but mostly, I dislike them when they allow people in to the gen ad area BEFORE DOORS because it undermines EVERYTHING that a gen ad club show stands for. It makes it about who can spend the money, not who loves you. And that's wrong. You shouldn't penalize people for being too poor to pay for an extra set on top of the ticket price. That's not fair. It's why even if I can afford it and I desire to see that acoustic set, ANY VIP that allows people in for the main show ahead of the queue at the door is one I will NEVER pay for or attend. On basic principles of right and wrong. You don't penalize your diehard fans who stood in queue for poverty or a paycheck to paycheck job or or having a budget because they've had kids. That's wrong. VIP shows that allow the VIPs to be in the gen ad area before doors open are fundamentally wrong and breed elitism and unfairly punish those who can't afford more than the gen ad tickets which SHOULD have been first come first serve but suddenly aren't.)
Anyway, I digressed down another pet peeve rant of mine in the modern music industry -- something that is divisive instead of inclusive and is going to kill the markets FAST. But Ticketmaster fees to buy your tickets online are now $26 for a gen ad show. Fuck that. That's almost a third ticket..... Play historic old opera houses and theatres and smaller clubs (like High Noon Saloon) where the money at least goes into building renovations. But fuck Ticketmaster venues and their exorbitant fees. It doesn't even go to the artists or their booking team or the venue itself -- it just goes directly into the pockets of Ticketmaster and the promoters. Well fuck that bullshit.
I may go to The Sylvee tomorrow and see if it's a venue that can let us bypass the Ticketmaster fees by buying with cash at the window.... Some do and some don't. I really want to see Rodrigo y Gabriela again, but they come play Summerfest nearly every year, and $26 in fees is absolutely ludicrous........ Fucking mental.
AND. Because Live Nation bought an almost controlling share of Frank Productions, any venues that want to work with them have to go through Ticketmaster and any venues that refuses to use Ticketmaster can't bring in any artists with contracts or affiliations to Live Nation. So basically, all the mid sized venues (except Barrymore on the east side) are now ONLY for signed artists (and they'll cost your fans nearly an extra ticket in ticketmaster fees) and no indie artists can even get booked now in their venues if they don't go through the "proper" channels of FPC/Live Nation AND meanwhile the other venues who have refused to go to Ticketmaster can't get anyone who's signed to anyone now because the labels all have contracts with Live Nation for promotions. Which means that the venues like Barrymore and High Noon Saloon are having a HARD time getting people in that will bring an audience or they have a hard time promoting shows can only rely on word of mouth and fans are being forced to drive to other cities to see artists who can't get in venues here they used to play because of the Live Nation buyout of FPC. And when fans DO get artists coming to Madison, by forcing them to pay the excessive ticketmaster fees, it means that fans on a budget of ANY sort can now only go to 1/2 to 2/3 the concerts they USED to be able to afford. And they're spending the same amount on concerts, but not seeing nearly as many, not fiscally able to give unknown artists a chance, AND all that money is being diverted now from the bands and the venues to just fatten the wallets of a very bloated system of middlemen. This loss of available venues has been going on in music scenes for about 8 years now, across the US and across the UK, but it's only gotten this bad here in Madison since the Frank family caved to the merger proposed by Live Nation 2 years ago.
Everyone's so busy talking about how Taylor Swift going indie is going to shine a spotlight on indie musicians (it won't. She isn't even indie, just switched labels. And this is just her latest celebrity feud trying to show her power by working at ruining the life/career of someone who ticked her off once. It's kinda her pattern. Like, from the start. It's what she's BUILT her entire career on. This is just one more iteration of the exact same pattern.) But if you're not paying attention to the indie VENUES across the nation and treating the venues as your allies, you'll find that five years from now there simply won't be anywhere for indie artists to PLAY other than historic/niche venues managing to barely stay afloat with donations and house shows and small art galleries. Indie musicians and indie venues need to stand together NOW and not be trying to steal revenues from each other before they're completely pushed out of what remains of the concert market by the major labels/live nation/ticketmaster acquisition coup of small to midsized venues going on right under everyone's noses.
Seriously though. Open your eyes and pay attention to what's going on with the venues and the production companies in local areas that had previously worked with any booking agent but are rapidly being acquired by Live Nation and Ticketmaster. It's even dirtier and has longer lasting ramifications than all my rants these last 10 years about iHeart radio and Sirius XM acquiring up local indie radio stations across the country..... Protect your venues. It needs to be a cross genre philosophical shift on this to support your indie venues as allies not enemies for the spending money the concertgoers have for the night -- because if you don't do it, then in five years, you and other indie/upcoming artists will have nowhere to play that can cover your cost of getting to/from the shows on tour....In the music industry today, your allies are other indie artists and the venues and the fanbase -- stop trying to extort money from each other at the expense of everyone else and start thinking of it as a family where everyone wants everyone to succeed. Because if you go the cutthroat ego driven "me and mine are all that matter" route then you end up with no more scenes to play and fans without any money to come to your shows because they spent as much as an extra ticket in fees to greedy middleman monopolies. You do the dirty work of the studios and the middle men who insist they're needed. And fuck being their stooge and selling out your allies in a pique of selfishness, y'know?
But right now, the venues are failing. And those that aren't closed are under the concurrent pressures of not getting enough acts or selling out to the Live nation/Ticketmaster consortium or closing their doors. Help the venues. And talk to your fans about the importance of supporting local indie venues EVEN WHEN you're not the ones playing there. Seriously. It really REALLY fucking matters. That's the current frontlines of saving any sort of indie music scene to last more than 5 years -- and ain't nobody talking about it. We may be down to less than 3 years to turn this tide... It's hard for me to say, I see how it's headed without this change but I don't know how long we have before the battle is lost with too many sellouts or closed venues....
Also. Fucking $26 in fees for 2 tickets, each ticket $35. It's 1 drink price short the cost of another ticket. I checked, it's the same fees for $25 tickets -- where the fees then become literally more than the ticket itself. Is that really the fucking music industry we want to live and love in?! This is bigger than a mob cut on this monopoly they're building......
3) Sagittarius is so often touted as the chaotic runaway freedom seeking breaking up with everyone independence sign. But the funny thing is, since Venus moved into Sag and now the sun is in Sag, I've felt LESS like running away than I have since end of August (probably since end of last October when all of this trouble started and I spent nearly 6 months pushing Eric away from reaching me via the bond and keeping it quelled as much as possible without him even knowing why from me.) My every instinct right now is to desire everyone lays all their cards out in full honesty/vulnerability so we can all be on the same page and say, "Alright now let's find an answer that can make everyone happy" because I'm certain there MUST be a way through to that.if everyone just gets real and painfully honest.
But I guess it's not that surprising. Pop astrology talks about Sag as wanting to be free and independent. But it's more accurately the sign of the truth seeking philosopher, and you may manifest that as choosing freedom over lies but what you're truly seeking is the truth.
I say this as a Sag stellium. And a Scorpio stellium. (Modern stellium, 3 planets in a sign means stellium, not 4) even with none of those placements in my sun (Libra) or rising (Pisces) or moon (Capricorn.) Actually, all the planets in fire signs in my chart are in Sagittarius.... Including Mars. But quite seriously, all the fire in me is in Sag (3), all the air in Libra (2), all the earth in Capricorn (2), and all the water except my rising being Pisces (1) is in Scorpio (3).... But if you're into the house system, my stelliums look quite different being 8th house and 10th house stelliums due to where my houses divvy up the signs.... This makes for 2 Cardinal earth, 2 cardinal air, 3 fixed water, and 3 mutable fire with 1 mutable water. Lot of emphasis on truth seeking and fairness in my weirdly balanced chart....
But seriously. I've never felt LESS like running in the last year than I do right now. I'm scared I might have to, that I might not find a better way out moving forward. But it's been about 13 months now since I've felt so certain that there HAS to be a better answer and that me trying to quiet the bond put it to sleep and run away sever all contacts is an absolutely TERRIBLE solution with long lasting repercussions I haven't even yet considered because I didn't want to think about it.
I dunno how we get to a better answer...but there has to be a way to it. Right? There has to be.....
But then if I start to think maybe there isn't a better way out of this mess, well, that's what lays the sorrow on me so heavy.....
4) Okay but there's such a beautiful light and love pouring into me from him right now. He's still rather scared and anxious, especially of messing things up worse, but there's just so much love pouring in right now with him flooding the bond full strength. Trying to put it to sleep when it's like this is as impossible as trying to build the dam while the river is in flood overrunning all the normal cliffs that contain it. And how it keeps getting stronger and stronger right now every day that's passing is beyond me -- absolutely baffling.
And I can tell you that even if I were in an internal place where I felt ready to sever ties and try to put the bond to sleep (I'm not, I'm not at all anywhere close to that internal place right now -- and it would take a lot to push me to that edge in a month) there's nothing I could do and no one I know of who could do a damn thing to quiet this bond with it raging this full of love and light from him.
And, it doesn't feel like there's anything on heaven or earth would make him reduce his current levels of love and light and NEED to make sure that it reaches me and the bond is active. I could be wrong, but it certainly doesn't feel like there's a chance in Hell he'd let that happen. If the ship is going to sink he's going down fighting and making it clear as day EXACTLY what he wants and where his heart stands on this.
And honest. It's heady af. And so darling. And it makes me feel all soft weak in the knees starry eyed feeling all that coming from inside him so strongly. Even when he tries to fight it or tries to distract himself because he's worrying anxious that he might fuck it all up beyond any hope of salvaging somehow, what comes through stronger than anything else is all the love and light in him and his refusal to give up on that without a fight.
And....I didn't expect that. That was not a truth I considered in all my stuck in my head circling to figure out the best thing for me to do over these past months. I should have, but I didn't. And I'm sorry. I once again undervalued my own worth in his eyes and heart. I genuinely figured from everything I observed and the way he was behaving and not listening to me these last months that he was at a point not to care unduly over me severing ties and being done. That was genuinely the conclusion I drew from his choices and actions of late August/early September. And I was as wrong as I possibly could have been as to how it was going to hit him to see it was real not just hyperbolic grandstanding. And I'm sorry for my misread of Eric and his heart. Knowing his truth, it makes this all harder for me to be logical making the best decision for everyone, because my emotions are now all so keyed up and I can't hurt him as deeply as even the realization how fucked up this is to devastates him.
And I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry I misread his current truths and made assumptions that were so dead wrong.
All I've really got to cling to right now is that with the truth of his love and light so strong shining through to me, that there HAS to be a better solution than the only one I could find for what I felt my options were these last months.
But. I think. That's a better place than we've been in these recent months. Maybe even the last 13 months. It's getting closer to honest, closer to shared truths. Closer to where the love and light is brightest.
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