I can't promise I won't get everything all confused again if things start getting me agitated and upset. I probably will. My response to pain is usually a weird combination of trying to stoic through it if I have no choice and a panicky flight response to adding more pain on top of the load I'm already bearing. But right now, things are very clear and luminous in me. And so I'd like to share what that feels like.
1) The state of of things where there's the constant bullying, even when the bullying is accidental, is not a state that can be allowed to continue because of how toxic it is.
2) If I'm the only one capable or willing to act to change things, my only recourse is to leave the situation.
3) The thought of walking away and shutting down dormant the bond to Eric guts me and is my last ditch defeat of me not able to do anything else to stop pumping more poisons into the relationship.
4) There is a silver lining to me having to do that path in that it would free me to be with other men without feeling I was being unfair to them -- and if things are going to only be so very toxic with Eric than I need to accept looking elsewhere for my future happiness.
5) I don't want that sort of freedom though. Not unless you make me.
6) There remains trust issues, especially around me trusting that Eric wouldn't knowingly do things to hurt me or to allow the rationalizing of other people to make him okay with doing things I've said explicitly will cause me hurt.
7) Even with the trust issues, I still want him more than I want anyone or anything else.
8) When I hurt, I want to turn to him and his voice and his words for comfort. It makes my hurting worse when I can't.
9) When he's hurting, all I want to do is make it better. In whatever ways, big or small, I can.
10) Above all else, even my own happiness, I want him to have whatever happiness it is he seeks. And when things get this messy and toxic, I get to feeling that I must be in the way of his happiness.
11) It still eviscerates me when I replay the memories of the few times I was able to look at him in Ann Arbor and at the end of the Minneapolis show. Reliving what it was like feeling inside me what he was going through is even worse than the memories of his face while he lived through that.
12) I can't make the way he was suffering there better if I continue to be hurt and poisoned by what happened and thus triggered by every little thing surrounding it. Either that has to be healed or I have to leave so he can't see me that way.
13) Deep down, I think me leaving and him losing me will put him back into that inner space for a very very long time. Just because I wouldn't see it or feel it on the inner bond doesn't mean it wouldn't be his truth.
14) I don't know how to solve this, but whatever way I choose it will always be the course I believe will cause him the least long-term harm even if it I know it might hurt for a time.
15) I could be wrong in my analysis of what will harm him the most long-term. Especially as I do tend to undervalue how much me and my happiness matter to him. Which fucks up any assessment I make of worst harm to him long-term.
16) Even when I've been on my most hell bent stubborn "I need to put the bond to sleep and remove points of contact for everyone's sake," there's no time that in trying to fall asleep my soul doesn't yearn for his and I wish that I was falling asleep in his arms.
17) I really cannot do anything to even weaken the flow on the bond when it's as strongly alive full of his love light as it's been for the last week. Even if I could convince myself it was necessary and the best thing, I haven't the strength to do it while he's flooding the bond like this.
18) I can't precog even contingent precogs (let alone immutable precogs) until the choices that set those paths in motion have been made. I can page through potential future paths, but until those choices are made, there are sometimes nearly infinite permutations. I can't precog the future, as regards Eric or Dave or any man, til the choices involving me and Eric are settled.
19) I have no idea if those choices are his or mine. I just know that the coin's still in the air on whatever choice(s) determine the path of fate on this. And until those choices are made, I will have no precogs about it.
20) Right now, in this place of inner peace and clarity without the constant agitation, my only sadness and hurting is a) when Eric is sad/hurting over all this mess we've made of things and b) when I remind myself this is a reprieve but not a promise this gets fixed and I might still have to return to how agitated and toxic everything was and a course where I have to knowingly sever contacts with Eric (and his band.)
21) The more time I spend surrounded by and feeling pour into my third eye his love light, the harder it is to even think about ever giving it up. And the softer it makes all my hard edges and the less I can feel anything but my own love light shining towards him and my desire to weave our lives ever closer together.
22) I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know if it's a love verges into co-dependency. I don't know if it's our karma to heal each other's brokenness (especially the brokenness we've each put in the other) by being together loving each other or if it's our karma that we need to learn by hard knocks not to love any part of creation more than the rest. I just know I want him more than I want anything else except for my wanting him to be happy with the happiness he seeks......
23) I don't know how the fallout of Britt's choices and behaviors over the past just over a year will affect any future relationship between Eric and me or between Brittany and me. Especially if she remains too proud to even admit to herself how terribly she fucked up and did wrong in all this..... But I don't know as it will be up to her and her choices.
24) I know that regardless of any tension or lack of trust or coolness between her and me, the fact we both love Eric and don't want to see him hurting is common ground we can agree on. And it gives us a foundation to move forward on trying to at least achieve that common goal.
25) That means him being as transparently honest as he can be as to what he wants and what makes him happiest and what will hurt him be toxic for him (from either of us) is the best way for him to move forward with the both of us to neutralize the harm both she and I are capable of doing in this situation without that litmus we can both agree on.
All these things I'm sure of and see clearly right now.
I can't promise how long that will stay true other than to promise it will all stay clear in me as long as there's nothing agitating things bringing all that the girls' actions sowed into this relationship back to the surface to poison everything, til I feel trapped again between a bad choice and a worse choice in light of the toxicity destroying everything..... But I don't know how long it will be before things slide back to the way they were and have been over the last year, and especially over the last few months. It might not go back to that way ever, but I'm not willing to be an optimist on that without some real hard evidence that it won't. There's too much hurt for me if it does go back to that, and even worse hurt in me if I let myself trust it's changed only to be blindsided by it all returning to that way it was... and until there's something tangible I can believe means real change for the better, while most of me is basking in this love and light and joy soaking it up, there's still a part of my head that's cautious and cringing waiting for the smackdown when all this idyllic wonderful state of grace shatters back into the cold hard reality of what it was for the last nearly 13 months now..... And I can't help that, can't give complete faith that it's truly changed while I know how easily it could all fall apart revert back to exactly how it's been....
Still, I don't even have words for how glorious this week has been having his love light pouring into me this strongly and steadily. How healing it's been for me. And how deeply I desire to have it for keeps.
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