1) The incandescence and...purity... and focus of his love today was insane.... It would intermittently flash so strong and heady and bright it would make me feel light headed like drinking champagne through a straw after a fast. Just straight through the crown chakra shot to your brain giddiness and effervescent bubbles and so much light and love pouring in. I don't know that I've ever felt it quite the way it was in moments today....

2) It's been haunting me, seeing (and feeling so raw coming off him in waves) how he went from so excited happy to the crash of realization that it was really as bad as I'd said. To see how much hurt he had in Ann Arbor, and the bitter angry twist of pain in him in Minneapolis when he watched and felt the disconnect and the closing off and pulling away that he hadn't seen coming til it hit him like a freight train.....

It's one thing to intellectually know, "He's not going to like this" and it's one thing to expect as a theoretical that it's going to hurt him.... But seeing it, feeling the rawness of it? That's another beast. And I can't shake what I saw and felt roiling in him.... And. I. I can't knowingly do that to him. It was bad enough seeing him that way for a finite time -- I can't imagine knowingly putting him into that space and leaving him there day after day after day and week after week after week til however long it takes him to heal from it.

I can't do that to him. Whatever his mistakes, however much he should have known better than to cave to peer pressure and let himself become a part of the bullying....no matter how that hurts and disappoints me, I just can't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that.

And I can't do it, not if there's any other way. Any better solution to clean up this mess and fix this.

3) Today was another good day -- nothing that made things worse or put poisons in from what was never dealt with. (I mean, it was a quiet day. Across the board. It's hard to make things worse when you don't say anything at all. You can't make them better that way, but it does stop you from accidentally making things wore.)  Still. Without any new actions reviving the poisons damage, with how strong and constant and powerfully reassuring his love he's been feeling for me and pouring into me, and with me having seen how gutted he got at seeing how raw my pain and the effects of it him finally realizing he might actually lose me -- well this combination pulls me back to him so strongly. It makes me desire and hope that there's some reconciliation, some way out of this better than me cutting ties and leaving.

4) Mercury retrograde FINALLY ends. On the 20th, 1:21 CST.

THANK. FUCKING. GOD.

5) Half hour of a meteor storm possible on Thursday night at 10:30pm! Won't last more than 40mins, but shooting stars at a rate of up to 400 an hour!  And not even from the Leonids, from a minor meteor storm that isn't barely visible to the naked eye but a comet passed through it and we could have a MASSIVE magical meteor storm. So many wishes you can make, and so much wonder and awe to be found in watching them!!! Thursday night. (I hope so badly it will be clear that night and I can find a reason to go somewhere far from light pollution to watch them!

6) This was a fascinating set of predictions. And weirdly I could see how each stack was applicable to various people I know and what they're going through -- even to various people mixed in this situation. Pick which one appeals to you, then watch it. Don't pick what I picked or you'd think I'd pick for myself -- pick for you.

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BZRJb9I_pgA" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


(I picked the rose quartz pointe and the bonus hand. If you're curious.)

7) I want a better answer, I want something to shift so there are different options. And above all I want a way to move forward, a way to heal  all this mess. A way to build something better, a way to get what it is both Eric and I want so desperately.