O right yeah. Probably shouldn't just leave that there like that, right? 

Okay, so Broihahn Management guy came in and installed new garbage disposal so I now have a working one. But while testing it for leaks after installation, despite my traps being incredibly clean, neither side was draining properly, would just fill up the opposite side if you tried to drain water down one and then they would both fill with backflow water hardly draining. Nothing he could visibly see or find, his conclusion was it must be in the wall or further down the pipe system somewhere and my neighbors downstairs would have to call roto rooter services to find the source of the issue..... Ooft. Dana downstairs scheduled with them for their 8-12 window and I did warn her that I would need to go help my grandma by 11:30 at the latest and she let them know if they need access to my unit it would have to be early and they said they would put us front of queue. They will also check downstream from us to try to figure it out. 

Talked to insurance today, it's a bit complicated but all on same page. The hope is we can close this claim never move it forward not have it on my claims history record because I don't have over $1000 (my deductible) worth of damages to my property -- and a liability claim if neighbors/HOA tried would be different agent and claims process. 

But I have a few days still before choosing and I want to find out what roto rooter says/does and what Dana and Parker are intending to pursue with insurance.  Things could still get expensive and fraught, but I'm not going to dwell on that, I'm going to focus on visualizing roto rooter tells us it's a condo association problem further down than any of us. And that Dana and Parker decided they don't think claims or liability are an issue from when that disposal rusted and fell apart because it save a burst pipe in the walls from the clogs or bigger backflow ick.

Grandma was doing well today! (Well yesterday I guess.) Will see her again tomorrow (today now) and hopefully she will be in as good a mood. 

Got my optometry rescheduled for the Thurs after election day (and pet vet followups/vax are that Fri.) 

And tonight I went over to my parents house so I could wash the rug and all my rags that soaked up the backflow water and ick (unsure if the drainage from my washing machine goes to same drain paths where the clog is but didn't want to maje that worse or intentionally run much down the problems outflows til tomorrow) and had dinner and wine with my mom and we watched almost all of what we had dvred from Skate America (Grand Prix of figure skating) from the weekend. Just the last six ice dancers to finish. But there will be more skating soon. 

I still haven't gotten any further traction/adulting done on:

~my early in person absentee ballot at the library

~scheduling and getting my car's oil change, tire rotation, and alignment

But I'm feeling weirdly optimistic shiny and like I didn't lose ground really and the way this happened was to protect me from something worse happening from down pipe damage if it hadn't played out this way.

Tentatively, I'm thinking I will go early vote directly after I leave Grandma's on Thurs and start of next week I actually have a lot of opportunities for acr stuff and the insurance/plumbing stuff if that's ongoing. Before mg Aunt Kath and Aunt Geeta get in town on Thurs and then things get a bit chaotic in my world and won't really slow down until next year. 

And only one blank faced possessed driver did anything erratic stupid tried to kill me today, and it was from a dead stop not high speeds. 

It's late, I should be asleep. I can hardly keep my eyes open with this chamomile tea so nearly finished. And roto rooter could be here as early as 4hrs from now.

So bonne nuit! Sweetest dreams! More later (whenever that happens to be.)

 Ooft.  Fucking mess of a night..... Not the people, the people were wonderful who I dealt with about it but ooft....  VERY good thing Amy figured out her own way to the East Pointers and Dave show in Chicago tomorrow night and we already deemed it not available to go and hadn't pre bought tickets.... Today has been QUITE a day... omfg....

So I got the dog to her appointment and we only rabies and distemper vaccines today are splitting out the lyme/bordatella for two weeks from now (scheduled the same day as Spock's followup bloodwork to stage his kidney disease.) Which was $230 and within my expectations of it. But THEN, I was going to pick up the heartgard and nexgard (heartworm preventative and tick/flea preventative) as long as i was there because I've always just bought it at the vet and it was going to be $470 there!! With only a $60 rebate from the company.... I already looked online and a 6 month of both is only $88-100. So I need to order that or go pick it up at a pet store or something because hell if I'm going to play 2-3 times as much and a $700 vet bill to have got it today during our visit... The fucking hell?!?!

Then after that, we got home and one of the neighbors had used perfume in the halls that gave me horrible migraine so I lay down set phone alarms with the plan to join my parents for lunch then make my optometry appointment at 2 and then work until whenever heading home. That was the plan. My phone battery drained and died (again) so the alarms never went off so I missed the appointment which I now need to call to reschedule (and can't get more contacts until I do successfully see the optometrist.) 

So I was getting ready for work when sunset woke me up because the alarms didn't. When suddenly my neighbor from downstairs asked if everything was alright in my unit because she had water dripping down her kitchen cabinets and sofits.... So at least I was home, but also, wtaf?! It was coming from under my sink and seemed to be the drainage pipe from the disposal I never use (and never have used) and don't run water down that side at all and there was definitely a pool of smelly water and some grit and such there.

So her husband (who used to be a plumber) came upstairs to look with me see if he could help. We've turned off the water to both kitchen for now. The working theory is that the old disposal I never use had back filled from the other side and had water sitting in it (and who knows what else?) and had rusted and dumped all that water in its tank. We THINK replacing the disposal should be enough BUT their may be a drain clog further down the drainage or sewer which is why it was back filling into the y pipe under my sink.... My da came over also to help because I know nothing about this sort of thing...  The neighbor downstairs thought he could help replace the disposal to solve it but then decided he couldn't. the water has stopped, the rug soaked through along my sink cabinet and a ton of rags and paperbags there to soak up the water and it's not dripping into the downstairs unit. The emergency plumber said it didn't sound like something he could or should deal with tonight for exorbitant rates now that the water is shut off, and if it's drain related issue than condo association needs to call sewer not him he only works with water coming in not if there's blockages or drainage related issues.... Called the condo association maintenance/plumbing is coming in the morning at 7am and will install a new disposal unit for me and then see what happens from there. I left a message with my homeowner's insurance (new in July which is cringe) in case a claim needs to be filed due to the water going through my sink cabinet from my unit into theirs (and apparently he had his laptop charging in the kitchen right under the cabinets where the water leaked through the floor into their unit?! So that might be on their claim?... If it should be their claim versus my claim versus condo association if something further down the line caused the backflow into the weak point which was my disposal unit?..) 

Luckily, I really LIKE Dana and Parke -- they're probably my favorite neighbors. Very much kindred souls. (My biggest issue with them has been she uses cleaning supplies and plugin scents that cause me migraines --not BAD scents, the chemicals in them just give me migraines.) When they moved in, she invited me down for wine and we talk books when we both sit outside reading on nice or rainy days and her morning glories climbed up to my balcony to get enough sun to bloom. They've also been really good about texting me whenever they need to turn off water for any repairs within their unit or anything and they're bot nice and helpful and kind. And at least if the water was going to leak into their unit, it was in the kitchen and did NOT leak onto her upright piano or harp or books. I told you, they're my sort of people.

So I need to deal with plumber and insurance and rescheduling my optometry in the morning (and I can't get new contacts until AFTER optometry and I've been using my current pair since late August which is WAY too long for a monthly pair...) BEFORE needing to head to help my grandma at 10am. AND I need to get those pet meds ordered for Waffles since she needs both at the start of November. AND I need to get my early voting done which was my tomorrow afternoon (after helping grandma) plan (since I am poll working 6am til close on election day and at a different polling place from my own.) AND the follow up vet visits will be a couple hundred dollars more because lab work... AND I haven't even called Tires Plus (where I got my tires) to schedule the overdue oil change, tire rotation, alignment check (all free except the oil change due to buying tires there.) 

I am so ready for Saturn to gtf out of all these retrogrades in Pisces and Pluto to move out of Capricon.... Saturn return wasn't that much for me in the adulting department (it was a lot of spiritual and relationship battles for me) BUT having Saturn in my rising sign, especially the latter half of this Saturn in Pisces, has been a LOT of heavy hard adulting and things breaking and money disappearing into bills faster than I can save up or deal with things...... And a single woman with ADHD is not generally the best when it comes to adulting or diy taking care of things under the best circumstances.... But lord, having Pluto in my moon sign square my sun sign AND Saturn in my rising sign AND the south node/eclipses all in my sun sign has made this a fucking LOT of a year and at least they are soon moving onward because it's been a lot of a year.

I'm more than a bit overwhelmed by too much heavy adulting and money stressed and too many have tos right now. I was borderline there before the events of today, this year has been a LOT but I'm definitely across the "I need a hug, why is adulting so full of difficult things?!"

Also. EVERY time I get a migraine and something breaks in my home or car, shit goes upsdie down in the world due to climate disasters or geopolitical and I can feel something bigger coming (and not these personal things) but it's not as imminent as when I had my freak out over impending Helene damage. This feels bigger but more distant in time before it hits but it's building and I felt it building in the migraine building in me this morning/afternoon BEFORE the water flooding/replacement issues in my condo.

O and I also nearly got hit by a black painting company decaled van on my own circle just taking the dog to her vet appointment because they decided to turn out of a neighbors lot to turn around in the circle and drive on the completely wrong side of the road directly into me....I almost forgot about that nearly head on this morning between the vet visit itself with the sticker shock of the Heartgard/Nexgard then the migraine then the stress of realizing I missed my optometry appointment then the 4 hours of triaging dealing with the water under the sink issue with my neighbors/parents/plumbers/insurance (I emailed my agent but the app said to call for a claim and when I called got after hours number) and didn't make it into work til after 9:30pm and no idea when/how to get enough hours in the remainder of this week between all the adulting things and the Milwaukee evening show and Friday in Spring Green theatre and helping my grandma out this week as well.

Can I get a hug yet and a little bit less of all the things all at once, please and thank you? At least I was home though when this happened. At least I was home. Because if not for nearly getting hit in the head on and the unfolding of all the rest and the migraine so I missed my optometry appointment, I wouldn't have been home at all when Dana texted me at 6pm.

Lord today was a day. And to think that all the adulting stressors had been so much piled on me that I completely forgot about nearly dying or being severely injured and my car totaled in a head on that I had to fold space/time use a LOT of power and gifts to not die with them turning and accelerating directly into me driving on the wrong side of the circle... Not the first time a car appeared out of nowhere almost killed me over the last week actually. It also happened multiple times last week en route to/from  my svd assignments that I had cars do stupid shit nearly hit me, including at high speed on the highway.)   It's been a week -- and my future fatelines I'm not seeing very far ahead and probably not good how nearly I've missed and had to use my gifts and shift space/time and timelines to NOT be killed while doing things... But those are stories you've not even gotten yet because I haven't processed them because so much else going on and also I don't always talk about the things I have to do with my gifts and energy work.   But does rather feel a bit like someone or something is trying to take me off the board send me between incarnations not be among the living/incarnating before whatever is coming next.

I also started writing 2025 for the date had to keep reminding myself not to do that on official absentee ballot related forms after the near death last Tuesday on the highway heading to svd. So my relationship with time is even more tenuous than when I wrote about that a week or two ago. But near death encounters always make me a bit more unseated in time. Probably not the best though that mentally I'm wanting to be in 2025 already and date thing ahead another year -- that never bodes well for the remainder of the year that I'm intuitively trying to skip over...

What is coming is sun/electrical and water related I think. I don't think it's missiles or nukes. But I'm not sure. Something to do with power and power grids and bigger than I can see it yet and more water and air and fire/electrical conduction.... But I can't see it yet down the fatelines, I can just feel it coming and that it's bigger than the wreckage of Helene that had me so overwrought. And I keep almost dying and having weird emergencies just trying to catch up on my list of adulting as we are getting closer and closer to whatever it is. And my instincts want me to be in next year when it will be safe beyond the danger that's coming...And the urge to be in 25 and writing that down for the date STARTED for me back in 23, soooo yeah. 

O right, both the dog and the cat (even though his kidneys are failing him) have been SUPER protective of me -- including Waffles taking issue getting defensive with a LOT of other people making sure she's protecting me as she sees it and the cat guarding the door making sure I only leave when he thinks it's safe for me outside of home. And they are both laying on me protecting me whenever I do sleep, all the time always. One guarding the doorway the other guarding the window into the room but both guarding/protecting even while sleeping with me and on me.

I told you, WAY too much going on, WAY too much time and money stress, and WAY too much having to channel massive amounts of power use my gifts just to answer "holy shit how did I survive that?!"for me to have even begun to feel or process anything that ISN'T actually in my life choosing me at this point in time. It's just a fucking battle right now keeping life in this body and surviving the adulting of life. because it's just been a lot  this last year.

 You know what I've discovered since last I wrote here? I get to see David on Wednesday!! David as in David Howley (formerly of WB3) who after much introspection and no longer being with his ex (who I genuinely thought was an everything but the ring situation after they moved in together and adopted a puppy and wove their songwriting together as well as their lives across these last several years) and has been back stateside writing songs. I mean, I had seen he had some shows coming up east of here and was opening for the Drowsy Lads 20th anniversary show (which there was no way we could make with everything else going on in my life and in Crissy's life -- especially with her dad's health issues.) Anyway, it was announced over this last week or so that he'll be opening three of the East Pointers shows (Ann Arbor, Evanston, and Milwaukee) which will be my first time seeing east Pointers since Koady passed so suddenly and tragically and also my first time seeing Dave since last Spring when he saw me while I was still very emo in the hollows mourning Audrey's death and my own sense of guilt over what I could have done better by her in her nearly 15 years of life and all but her first 12 weeks of it living with me as my dog bonded to me.) That was very exciting when I heard Dave would be opening for East Pointers and was a very very happy surprise for me!!! And I do love me a good happy surprise! I had no idea I'd be seeing him again so soon!! But I haven't stopped grinning over that realization since they both announced it right before releasing his new single (his take on an Orpheus & Eurydice song that I really loved when I heard it last year while he was still in the writing of it.)  He actually announced it the day after I picked up tickets for Crissy and me for the Milwaukee show. 

Crissy and I were planning to do the Tues night Evanston show and I had actually said that as long as we could make it work, we would try to get down there early to give Amy a ride since she is still in recovery post hip surgery and can't drive herself there (she's still in the "not supposed to bend past 90 degrees stage of healing.) But then with Crissy's dad's health, she can't take the whole afternoon off for us to get down there and I've had so much piling on me with life stuff to get done and poll working related things and other plans that I didn't ticket purchase level commit to Tuesday even just me aside from Crissy's uncertainties due to her dad's health and driving up north to get him to appointments and such. Luckily, Amy was able to score a single seat at a table right up front and can uber there and back. Especially since the woman who has been assigned to help my grandma for years from Bright Star is getting married this week so they cancelled a lot of her bright Star days to help grandma tidy up and get ready Tues-Thurs and the only one they kept they assigned a brand new girl my grandma never met (and my grandma finds new people sus takes a while to trust them doesn't always let them in to help without other people around for introductions...) So now I'm going to be spending my mornings Tuesday through Thursday over at grandma's helping her get ready and tidy up and do things over at her place and get her to lunch. (Won't affect me going to Milwaukee late afternoon/early evening on Weds but would mean I couldn't leave Madison early enough to get to downtown Chicago where Amy lives to pick her up and get us both to Evanston in time AND get Amy home and then back up to Madison to then be bright eyed chipper helping my gran out the next two mornings again...) It also means I don't know when I'm going to get my (still unscheduled) oil change/tire rotation/alignment check done. Not Monday since the dog has her vet visit at 10:30am and I have optometry at 2pm. Maybe Tuesday afternoon but I may instead prioritize getting my early voting in person at the library done first day it's available so I don't have to worry about it (since I'm poll working 6am til close on actual election day) and then if there's time maybe driving over to Tires Plus see if they can get me in that afternoon/evening still or schedule for Thurs afternoon between the Milwaukee night and the Spring Green night....  On verra. 

But anyway, while if everything had gone to the original plan I was supposed to get the happy surprise of seeing Dave twice this week, I'll definitely take one night of happy surprise seeing him again and just be grateful joyous for that random unexpected gift this week!!!! Like I said, I haven't stopped grinning every time I remember that happy surprise for this week since he (and East Pointers) announced it late last week!!!

I do love me a happy surprise so very much! And getting to see Dave so unexpectedly soon and to see he's in such a better place than he was makes me a very bright happy shiny Dani delighted with the happy surprise in my so very near future!  AND then he went live today randomly and while I missed it in real time (because symphony went extra long and then Packers game) he left it up on his insta so I got to watch it like 6 hours later! Which meant I still saw it!

I should probably head home from work soon, especially with the dog having her vet appointment in the morning. Not super early in the morning, but also I would like to get up and have some coffee and at least eat an apple or two and bring my coffee with me before walking over to the vet.... 

(We are NOT going to talk about how much of my recent diet has been black coffee, orchard apples, and peanut butter-- especially in the form of a giant bag of assorted Reese's candies from target last week.  I mean, seriously, sooooo much of my diet over the last week or so has been black coffee and apples and peanut butter either by the spoonful or in chocolate candy form around the peanut butter.) 

Good G-d, under starless skies, We are lost, and into the breach, we got tossed. And the water is coming in fast. And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I said? I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed. And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I did? Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build a ship to wreck? To wreck, to wreck, to wreck. Did I build this ship to wreck? To wreck, to wreck, to wreck. Did I build this ship to wreck?

Right. Sorry. yeah. I was going to write here. I've been really awful about that recently. I've not had much time this week. I DID have SVD on Monday, but it was actually really great (it's apparently the gold standard of special voting deputy due to how politically engaged the independent living community there is  (and wealthy progressive types, a LOT of retired professors who apparently debate policy in the halls sometimes depending on the referendum before they come in to vote) who live at the facility and like we had former SVD workers who live/work there and League of Women Voters works extensively with voter registration drives there and helped facilitate the voters to be patient keep them moving but not overwhelm us. We processed 81 svd absentee voters in three hours and no registrations because League of Women Voters did that ahead for us held registration events so everyone was in the system for us. As opposed to Tuesday when we had a brilliant activities director and were constantly busy just two of us working that location (instead of four) but only got 17 absentees done, but seven of them were new registrations. But they only had like 4 residents remaining who were registered voters for today. The cutoff for registration for absentee voting in WI was Weds, in person you can register day of election voting in WI, so with special voting deputies to permanent care facilities, only first visits can do registrations, second visits are ONLY for registered voters who were missed the first visit or didn't show up to vote while we were there, with special emphasis on checking with those who have permanently requested receiving absentee ballots.) I also had to courier back after Tuesday because Paula who I was working with had been having intense tooth pain and they could get her in at 3:30 that day (we ended at 3) or not for a month -- and me stopping by the county clerks office to drop off the courier bag to the elections office and sign off the sealed bag open them with a clerk and verify the totals matched then hand off chain of custody wasn't a hardship for me. Not like a month of tooth ache all the time not able to eat or anything pain hardship!

I'm heading home soonish to get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to be across town by 9:30am (and google maps says it's 40mins before adding morning traffic time due to construction) AND I have to caffeinate and eat a proper meal because from 10am until 2pm tomorrow I need to be patient and smiling and helping elderly residents  properly fill out their absentee ballots. So I need to be up early but also be well rested and make sure I eat and have coffee to slow me down from speaking WAY too fast for hard of hearing or early dementia elderly voters trying to help them vote and potentially reading multiple confusingly worded referendum (one state, one county, several school districts that are different in different wards.) 

I actually have a ridiculous amount going on in my life right now, I have one week with nothing in the calendar after the election (I'm actually currently caught up on all mandatory trainings and have received my assignment for election day -- 6am until close; which means I need to find time starting next Tuesday for in person absentee voting at the library) don't even have more than three days free around plans already in the calendar until pretty well next year. This coming week: Fri: SVD and checking on Henry, Sat: the only day for me to get my herbs taken care of or an transplanting; Sun: brunch then symphony then late in the evening watching the Packers game with my mum and the dogs and zooming with my sister's family; Mon: Waffles vet visit (will schedule Spock followup) in morning and my optometry visit in afternoon Tues (hopefully otherwise on Thurs): car in for oil change/tire rotation/alignment check and then over to the library to vote;  Weds: headed to Milwaukee for East Pointers show; Fri: in Spring green for Nat Turner in Jerusalem ; Sun is just the Packers game. The week after that, my aunts who now live/work in Charlottesville (when they're not in Edinburgh or India) will be in town for South East Asian Conference so pickup of them midday that Thurs then they will be at the conference til we pickup my Aunt Kath to hang out Sat (her birthday) then we have Sat night with them and Sun until taking them to the airport; then it's election day (probably at least a 17 if not 18 hour day for me tbh -- but could be longer if polls are extra busy and still having to process absentee ballots late into the night even after the polls close and we start the closing procedures and reconciliations to make sure all the number on all the things match and there's even more bureaucratic red tape for this one just in case of a recount or anything because it's general with pres so extra scrutiny.)  Then after Tuesday 5, nothing but normal work until Nov 15 (symphony on Friday, Badger home game university football game tickets on Sat, Packers game Sun. Week after that my grandma has appointments on Thurs and Friday, then a symphony special with pixar movies on Sat then the Packers game Sunday.  The week after that tickets to & Juliet at Overture Hall the night before Thanksgiving. The week after that we moved symphony to Friday for me so I can have both days of the weekend to get hours in because I fly out to Seattle at like 6am on Tues Dec 10 then don't get back until early morning Dec 30. Also somewhere in there will be Spock's followup. Also need to order tea for Mo and find more gifts and figure out packing. And I have so much laundry to do because I've not had time for it in AGES...... AND, i was supposed to have some fillings done back in June or July, which I really didn't want to do and then I got laryngitis from coughing due to firesmoke reaching us here and I was coughing WAY too often for even any normal dental work let alone four small fillings  on a girl with redhead gene so she doesn't actually numb from anything in the caine family, it burns the whole way down the nerve and even with articaine and twice as much as should be used for my body weigh, you have maybe 20mins before what little numbing I got and I feel the pain of everything you're doing intensely.  Anyway. I haven't had TIME to reschedule those fillings and I hadn't had pain or anything so kinda forgot about it but as of yesterday, sometimes when I bite down certain things I can feel the pain from the cavity forming under an old filling in a back molar that was put in when I was 12 because I have deep Mediterranean grooves in my molars that they didn't want to get cavities but then when the fillings age, I've had problems of cavities under the fillings after 15-25 years of wear on them....

 Anyway.

What I'm saying is. When I say I've been sitting in a place of acceptance about letting go of Eric and being really practical (one could say ruthless) with myself over accepting that if things aren't changing so there's a place for me to ACTUALLY be involved in his life as he chooses to live it and build it then I need to let him go because nothing can grow between us that isn't poisoned toxic by me being ostracized and excluded by his sister's past actions and defensiveness maintaining that ostracism and ghosting any attempts I have made across six YEARS to openly talk about this try to heal it leaving me still excluded from quite literally EVERYTHING central to his life this lifetime. When I say I'm in a place of acceptance of that set of hard truths, it's important to know that I'm also WAY too fucking busy overwhelmed struggling with my adhd executive dysfunction where everything that isn't needing to be dealt with right NOW (or enjoyed right now while I have the moments/opportunities) is sitting in "out of sight out of mind" non-existent limbo.  I simply haven't had TIME or executive function to let myself feel the absence of him, the absence of even the promise of him in my future this life, and the chasm of a hole that leaves inside both of us. I mean, look, in August I didn't even finish reading a single book in the ENTIRE month -- when the hell since I learned to read at 3.5 yeas old have I ever gone even an entire WEEK without finishing a book?! Exactly. I ain't even had time for trying to tap into any creative outlets like my writing (not even here, let alone my REAL writing) or drawing or painting or anything since maybe April or so -- so I haven't even had time to run up against or face the creative block of having that bond blocked off from being the source of love and magic and creative force it's intended to be. Let alone me having time to examine or really even feel the depths of my emotions over accepting this defeat that there's nothing I can do to set this right and after six years it's time for me to accept this is either what he wants or at least what he accepts others choosing for him to have (or not have) in his life. And I probably don't have time to myself to even start the facing of it until 2025 unless something molotov cocktails forcing me to face it due to a change or something important happening there as opposed to the slow acceptance of ongoing lack/emptiness where there has always been and ought to be a something....

In the name of honesty, THAT is the sort of radical acceptance of his choices as they are and moving forward with my own life focusing solely on those who choose to be in my life and who CHOOSE to have me in theirs while accepting he's chosen as he sees fit and desires for his life and that's his act of free will even if it's his free will to let someone else force him into a false dichotomy only one way out. I don't claim it to be emotionally stable solid foundations, just that it's the place I am of making me accept this set of bitter truths and move forward accordingly and focus on what IS in my life and needs my attention rather than letting my heart hurt over things I can't change or find a way to the fatelines I would choose IF there was a way to reach them but there isn't due to the third party created and maintained block from me having anything to do with what is most central to his life as he has built it this lifetime. I'm sure when the consequences of accepting that hit me they'll hit me hard and deep and it will take a lot to heal (or at least scar over) that amputation -- but I'm not there yet. My acceptance is built of focusing on who and what IS in my life demanding my love and attention and energy and not bothering myself over anyone or anything who chooses not to be in my life or excludes me (or allows me to be excluded) rather included in their life.

But who knows, by the time I get there, depending on what stage of feline CKD (chronic kidney disease) Spock is in, I may hit the hollows of his kidney's failure and his imminent death and then dealing with my (currently) 15.5 year old cat's death. On verra. there's a lot to still happen and a lot that is not yet known between now and January -- and the fatelines are all so murky and tangled not clear due to the agitations of the great huge worldwide socio-political fateline instability due to choices not yet made to rivet between given fatelines that anything other than short term glimpses of my own fateline aren't happening right now. 

But if I'm going to be honest to say I'm in a place of acceptance, I OUGHT to be honest enough to admit it's also a place of avoidance due to object impermanence and my adhd being completely overwhelmed when it comes to executive dysfunction and too much going on in my life and the lives of people close to me right now....  I haven't even had opportunities or time yet to feel the shock of the creative block that comes of having decided to let go of the bond this life... I know that's a consequence of accepting his choices of inaction across six years IS his choice that he's okay with me being excluded from his life and the most important aspects of it will be a block on our creative sources drying up in both him and me and the more complete the connection between us is blocked/dammed up, the smaller and less productive that bubbling source within us will be as it gets blocked up and silted over.... But right now that's all theoretical to me (though possibly very real to him I would assume given I haven't allowed me to reach for him or let him reach me when he has tried because I'm accepting nothing good can grow between us if there's no place for me to be included in his life) because I haven't had TIME to even read very much let alone to sit down to a blank page and put words on it or start sketching or painting on the blank space. I'm in a place of acceptance/avoidance where I'm not yet feeling the consequences of that acceptance.... but that may not be how it is for him-- especially if he's trying to use his free time between his shows and traveling solo between them to tap into his creative nature and work on new songs and new things. The block of our creative springs is real in both of us mirroring each other the greater the blocks between the love flowing between us both ways down the bond -- it's just I haven't noticed it yet felt the repercussions of that consequence because I haven't had time to try to tap into it sit facing that blank page while blocked. It affects us the same depth, but that doesn't mean we feel it to the same intensity at the same times if we're not both facing it at the same time...  And right now, I have no time for facing anything other than accepting him at face value of his choices across six years and to put my energy and love into those who DO choose me and need me and want me in their lives right now. If I'm going to claim honesty, I need to be completely honest. And admit that my acceptance is a shallow acceptance even though it is a complete acceptance without hope or expectation that what forced me to this point of acceptance is going to change within his free will choices or anyone else's that got us here.

Honestly? I haven't even had time to miss and feel the absence of the polar bear in my dream space since arriving at this place of acceptance of his choices back in late July.... I haven't even had much time for sleep so haven't had much time for shamanic dream space traveling (and when I do, I've been sleeping during daylight hours not nighttime hours which makes it very hard for the polar bear to even try to find me while we sleep -- because I'm awake when he's sleeping and sleeping while he's awake and active doing things.)  It's only archangels and fae and old gods/goddesses showing up in my lucid dreaming shamanic dream spaces.... But I've not even had enough time in that space to feel the polar bear's absence from my paths in my dreams -- because I know that I'm awake while he's sleeping so even if he tried to reach me in dreams I wouldn't be available for him to reach me in dreams and sleeping while he's awake and active can't go dream seeking me.

*shrugs* Look, I've not even had time to CONSIDER, "and what are you going to do Dani when you see him again and the Universe reminds you he exists? Where will your precious acceptance of the choices he has allowed others to make to exclude you from the central core of his life?" The ENTIRE peacefulness of my acceptance is built on me not seeing him, not being faced with reminders of him (or even reminders of the empty spaces where the bond to him ought to be) and not having to face any of the emotions I feel about the choices themselves that got us to here and my own inability to alter the paths of others choices that got us to this place of my radical acceptance of letting him go and focusing my attention/energy/love on who and what IS present in my life and wants me enough to choose me. Ain't no foundations under it to tell me how my react will be when I'm reminding of him and his existence and everything I always dreamed and hoped and though could be if/when we ever did cross paths find each other in the waking world not just the bond and dream space and past lives memories.

 I need to pack up and head home and get some sleep. How did it get so late already?!

P. S. 6:06am addendum: my body is vertical but very much of the opinion this is among my stupider plans and is everything short of direct refusal vehemently opposes this request. 😆 Ooft. Today is scheduled to be a long ass shift before I can even consider lunch.... 

[Post title: lyrics to the The Florence & The Machine song Ship to Wreck]

 I got all my cold sensitive plants that can't handle well going below 40F and will die under 35F in tonight just in case (the nightshades and the basil.) So that's done. I hauled it around a lot in the dark because I stayed longer at my parents house watching football with my mum and the girls because Sophie (my parents dog) went in with my da to work and it took way longer to replace the RO filtered water spigot than he or Uncle Jeff expected so Sophie didn't make it back until 4th quarter of the Packers game and she went from so excited to be home to just completely disappointed and hurt when she saw me and Waffles there, Waffle sin her jersey, and the game already on. Like the kid not invited to the birthday party who just stumbles on the end of it. So we put her jersey on her and then extra celebrated the end but then she was so sad still to have missed out on the pack activity that I promised her we'd never ever ever do that to her again and I'd come fetch her before starting without her -- I hadn't realized it had come to mean so much to her. And then my mum and I decided to watch the following game (Lions at Cowboys) and the dogs could have bonus treats for every play that got points on the board and DAMN but the Lions played damn good football!!! So girls got a lot of bonus treats. And the one quarter of Packers game and three quarters of the Lions-Cowboys game counted for Sophie to feel she hadn't been excluded.  But that was why I got to work right around sunset and still had to move all my heavy plants inside. Next weekend, we'll be watching on delay due to symphony (for me) and also doing a late game watch zoom with my sister's family but will have to wait until they get back from Whidbey Island so more like 6pm ish.

So. Also. Fair to ask me, "Dani, why the hell are you HERE writing instead of sleeping when you have to leave by 11am to drop the doggo off then head downtown for your first svd assignment for the general election AND have to be awake and patient for helping the elderly get their absentee votes submitted." Fair. Valid. Only.... When I checked my assignments on Saturday morning, all three were listed in the portal (and the last email update of my assignments came in on Fri) but when I double checked again tonight (after moving all the plants inside) to make sure I hadn't received any new last minute assignments from someone else cancelling, my Mon assignment was no longer listed. Soooo, I'm going to assume that either the location cancelled (like if they have a covid outbreak within the facility) or they downgraded how many svd workers are needed so I got cut?... Or it's a glitch in the portal and I'm supposed to still work?... No idea. And I'll have no further insights until I can call the city clerk who is in charge of svd assignments in the morning just to verify -- because why deal with driving downtown and paying to park only to get there and not be needed/wanted? But if they ARE expecting me, then I want to make sure I am there instead of a no show. And I can't know which I should do until I can hear from someone who should know -- but calling first thing in the morning seems a better idea than sending an email which may or may not get checked until way after I'm supposed to have shown up.  Soooo, I guess I'll know in the morning for certain certain if I can get a hold of Heather or someone on her team, but I'm expecting to not have the assignment.  What I SHOULD do tomorrow (if I'm the best best version of me) is that if I genuinely no longer have the assignment, I should call and schedule to take my car over to Tires Plus for the overdue oil change/tire rotation/alignment. AND if they can't schedule me for same day, then I should schedule it for Weds or Thurs (my no svd assignment days this week) to get the damn appointment made and then spend the day getting some of my laundry done. But you know, first things first is to get SOME sleep (even if not as much as I should have if I KNEW I had the assignment) so I can call in first thing early morning to verify whether I do or do not have the assignment.

My Tuesday assignment (which is me with one other woman (the courier who has worked that location many times) sent me a lovely email over the weekend reaching out explaining the organization there and that she had already emailed the front desk organizer and letting me know we should make sure to prioritize anyone who needs to register to vote as it's first visit (so within registration window) because the second visit to the location for cleanup of missed voters will be outside the registration window. She seems very nice and organized and I'm very excited for my Tuesday afternoon assignment! And then my Friday one if my long one and a lot of people at a location I've never been and know nothing about and we may have an observer at that one.

But anyway. On verra about tomorrow (today now) when I get to tomorrow (today now) working hours. Mreow. But, I do expect I'm no longer assigned for that location/time and that's why it disappeared. Which is why I'm not fussed about not yet having taken myself to sleep. But I should soon, shouldn't I? Just in case.

Bookish things currently annoying me way more than they should but also I'm so incredibly annoyed by these 3 things: 

~my booklist tells me that I bought the first book in a V. E. Schwab series and that I put the second two in the trilogy on my list of books to purchase and I remember looking at them all buying the first one, I just bought the first book in the second following trilogy in that world but seven years later that came out this year but for the life of me now I can't find the first damn book of the first trilogy when I wanted to put them together!! And while I have a lot of books, I have a specific place I put books in series that I don't own all of them yet and it is not there.... It's not with my read or unread books or in my tbr sooner than later stacks and I cannot for the life of me find it. Driving me rather batty. If I set it in some random place temporarily forgot about it, I can't find that place in either my living room or my bedroom.... I will need to ask Mikaela and Crissy if they have seen it as they are the only ones other than my mom who would ever come to my place when I'm not here to check on Spock for me... It's baffling me and making me want to unshelve go through all my books and deep clean my entire flat until I find the damn book -- which is stupid and I don't have time for that this week let alone today but here I am annoyed as hell I have no idea where one book among like the 5,000+ books I own could have disappeared to.... But seriously, where the fuck is it?!?!

~the book I wanted to read next (Peter S. Beagle, Innkeeper's Song) has some followup stories in books I haven't yet acquired so now I need to acquire them before I read this book. Which is fine, but they're all out of print so I need to find used copies and Giant Bones was super pricey, like $21 for a used book in fair condition, for the only copy on thriftbooks and while I found a $7 signed very good first edition copy on abebooks, I've never yet bought from them so I don't know how true that condition is... Also, the only copies I can find of Return (the followup novella) in my quick online used search are all hardcover $40+ which is ridiculous IMHO. I haven't yet checked the local used bookstores for them because letting me go used book shopping without a chaperone is a budget breaker of an idea..... And I need to take care of adulting have to before I completely fuck over my budget by letting me enter any used bookstores....  But also, until I acquire them, I can't let me read Innkeeper's Song which I really want to read so maybe exploring abebooks further to figure out their shipping prices or if I find enough titles if I can get free shipping is the most budget friendly choice here to solve this one... Also this one is actually a solvable irritation since I'm only irritated at having to find other things to read until I acquire the followup stories so it's definitely a better plan to just order it for $7 so I can read Innkeeper's Song then the short stories collections than randomly shopping used bookstores on the hopes to finally find a copy of Giant Bones and acquiring all the books I find that appeal to me along the way 😆 my self control with books is best summed up as: if I keep the temptation at a distance from me I'm fine but I have no will power whatsoever if the temptation is right there in front of me.... My idea of budgeting when it comes to books is that I'd rather live on rice and beans for a while than say no to a book I want to read. 

~the quick read book I just started and will finish today is a super easy read thriller gritty crime fantasy werewolf book (literally it's titled Werewolf) I picked up free in a little library at some point and I didn't think until 2/3 of the way through to check if it was part of a series or not. It's the first in a trilogy BUT the other two were never published in paperback form, only Kindle form, and not even publish on demand can order them. I have a Kindle, I hate reading things on Kindle (my ADHD kicks in and I don't comprehend as well and skip sentences/paragraphs more when I read on screens not physical pages I can touch) and I hate having series in different formats.... Like I'm the girl who will rebuy books I own if an author/publisher changes the size or cover artwork partway through a series because I want the series to all match on a shelf. So having one of a series in paperback and the other two as Kindle versions irks the hell out of me.... Annoys me enough to question if I should keep the book (which I enjoyed enough to keep) because now I can't even look at it without being annoyed at the author having the second and third books in the trilogy only on Kindle..... 

And I am VERY annoyed about all these things. Far more irrationally annoyed than I ought to be. But the first one definitely has me itching to check every book shelf and stack and clean my entire condo until I find the damn book.... (As opposed to accepting I should just buy a new copy whenever I buy copies of the second and third books in the series, lol )

 Anyway. My unnecessarily intense bookish related annoyances aside. Since that last post, of my adulting I have taken care of:

~cashed the check I needed to take to the bank

~picked up Spock's renal food (he seems to like it a LOT, but getting him not to gorge on it until he gets sick is the hardest part of switching him to the renal diet from the vet -- and I can't properly mix it with his regular food because he picks out just the new kibble if I try that; so for now I'm limiting how much of the new food I give him at a given time (since he completely lacks self control with it which is unusual for him) while leaving the old food out for him to free feed and continuing to soak the old food in water for him to have a softened easier to digest option and some water

~scheduled Waffles' annual vet visit and vaccines

~Target run with Mikaela on Thurs where I picked up the things I needed, some holiday gifts that are small light weight and not too expensive for everyone when I go visit my sister's family for three weeks across Christmas, some spooky season decor, some Halloween candy, and six books (but they were on buy 2 get 1 free sale so i really only BOUGHT 4 books even though I acquired 6 new books -- because that's how bookworm math works)

~scheduling my optometry appointment (the same afternoon as Waffles' morning vet visit)

~laundry: towels/rags

Adulting I still need to get done:

~Scheduling the oil change, tire rotation (free because I bought the tires there), and alignment check/fix (we added the lifetime alignment coverage with the tires as it was relatively inexpensive)

~scheduling Spock's followup bloodwork, blood pressure check, and urinalysis for one month after starting him on the renal diet (he's on the Royal Canin Kidney Care A formula)

~taking care of Waffles next supply of heartworm preventative and flea/tick preventative (we used her last doses start of Oct)

~winterizing plants out back (assessing and bringing in the ones that won't survive the temps down to mid-30s starting on Monday, harvesting herbs to dry, drying the hers, transplanting herbs from the box that could survive the winter if brought in) over the weekend

~more laundry (I have a LOT of laundry to wash after so much time not being at home -- btu I won't have a chance to stay home long enough to get it done until Weds between work and SVD assignments)

There's probably more adulting needs doing, but I can't think of it right this moment. Those are the main ones mentally weighing on me even when not consciously thinking about them.

I had other things to write, but I rather forgot what they are. I'm going back to drinking tea and my book that now annoys me greatly because I can't have the second and third books in any format except Kindle format and I have this first one as a paperback I picked up free in a little library. So that's what you get, my current bookish annoyances and an update on the adulting I had mentioned that I needed to get a better grasp on managing.

Back to my tea and finishing Werewolf (and trying not to take my annoyance at the author's publishing choices out on my further enjoyment of the book I do have) and then breakfast and coffee and then work to take care of plants start getting the nightshades and frost sensitive herbs inside and at some point calling my mum to see if we're watching the Packers game with her. Game is at noon but she always watches on DVR delay so if not watching with her I need to put it on at noon, if watching with her can take care of plants then go over to watch it. 

 For what it's worth (and I genuinely don't think it worth anything to anyone except me but I wanted to be sure I was as clear and just as possible) I didn't reach my point of radical acceptance of Eric's choices/actions/inactions that led me to let him go this life because the penny dropped so the contingent fate lines disappeared and there remained only the immutable fate lines of me letting him go that I had to accept because it's impossible to change. The fate lines to get to where we choose each other can build a life together are still open, there are still life paths to get us there. Only, we can't actually reach any of those paths by walking the repeating same toxic circles created by limiting me from being welcomed or wanted in his life and the important pillars he built it around. There are paths to get to the fate lines we can heal and choose each other and build a future together -- there's just no way to reach them on the circular paths of toxic patterns where I am ostracized from what is central to him building his life around. 

*shrugs* 

I can't un ostracize myself from what his life is built around. I can't make myself welcomed where I am not wanted or allowed to sit at your table. I genuinely don't even want to sit at the table with people who want to play petty power trip mind games and lies like that. It's not worth my time or energy or love and there's nothing I want at a table where everything on it is laced with posions. 

So it's not a matter of immutable precogs that made me face and accept the need to let him go. It was the recognition that those aren't paths any act or choice of my making alone can get us to because I can't un ostracize myself to break the toxic cycles that are a consequence of the choices the girls made in 2018 and have defensively maintained ever since. I cannot welcome me where I am not welcomed or allowed to be included in his life as he has chosen to let his life be built for him. It was accepting that any step toward him while this is still a factor is a step where I can already see the end before the beginning as long as we are constrained by the toxic circles of the most important aspects of his life involving people and collectives from which I am blocked and not included or welcomed, aspects of his life in which I cannot take part in any healthy way. And I've told you, I swore an oath to myself not to invest in relationships when I can see the end before the beginning. And there's only one way it inevitably plays out if I try to let him back in while I'm blocked from taking part in what is of greatest importance to his life as he has built it. And we've all watched the cyclical heartache of how that pattern plays out.. and I'm tired of it, I'd rather leave and find a new path to walk see where it takes me than keep walking again the same circles and toxic cycles where nothing has changed beyond my willingness or unwillingness to let him reach me until the next time he hurts me by reminding me that I'm not welcomed or wanted in core foundational parts of his life.

It was a bitter thing to accept because it requires me accepting that either he likes it that way or he doesn't care enough about it, isn't affected enough by it to want to change it to break the toxic cycles. And that's not a healthy foundation for anything good between him and me if that's how he feels about me being intentionally and continuously excluded from his life.  I won't pretend facing and accepting that truth was EASY or that I liked it. But I also DID face it because lying to myself would cause more longterm harm than facing an unpleasant truth like this.

It was and is all those things. But it was NOT and is not a contingent/mutable precog turning to an immutable precog due to the penny dropping out of time for free will choosing different fate lines. It's not that sorrow stoicism knowing before it happens mourning out of sync with the flow of times as others experience it. 

It is many things, but it is not that. Those fate lines are still in existence that bring us together allow us a chance to try building our life paths together -- but they're all unreachable through any free will choices or actions I can make within the confines of the toxic circles we are stuck within as long as I am unwelcome and ostracized from being included in the things most central to his life. 

*shrugs* There are plenty of immutable precogs and death sight knowings I have to carry through my life playing Cassandra given my gifts. But accepting the letting go of Eric is not one of them, this was a radical acceptance of facing the truth as it IS and as others have chosen for it to remain for nearly 6 years now.  No investing in relationships where you can see the end before the beginning, it only results in heartache doesn't have to mean a precog flash of the ending -- sometimes it's just recognizing patterns that aren't changing only repeating and deciding you won't invest in those repeating cycles any further. 

That penny is still in the air, those paths aren't yet closed off from ending up on those fate lines -- there's just no way to reach any of the ones that get us anywhere better while lost going in the same circles of toxic patterns that aren't changing. And all I did since July when I was reminded those same toxic boundaries constrain us in the same toxic cycles still was I realized that I accept that truth and I'm tired of trying to fight all on my own to force a way out of the repeating cycles of these last six years... if that's all there is, and six years experience declares that's all there is, then my free will choice if that's all I can get out of this game is to close chapter walk away from the entire power trip games go find other paths where I am welcomed and wanted and invited and loved for me qua me.

But it wasn't the acceptance of precogs ossifying into the immutable and all I or anyone can do is accept that. And you shouldn't think those fate lines closed off entirely (at least not yet) or that free will choices can't get us to them -- just because it can't be done within the toxic cycles and patterns doesn't mean it can't be done, it means the boundaries and parameters need to change to allow for healing and the opening up of new paths out of the old circles. Just don't expect me to be fighting to get us to those paths -- I tried for six years with no help and no success and no way of breaking out of the trap of the toxic circles made circumscribing his life into those included and those ostracized excluded. I'm tired of trying to do it fighting by myself for something nobody else seems to care about, certainly don't care enough about to do anything to change. And that's why i chose to let him go this life and instead focus my time/attention/energy where I'm wanted and welcomed and chosen by the people I invest my heart into. 

Precogs have nothing to do with me giving up the fighting on this and letting go to look elsewhere -- I just got exhausted of being the only one trying and fighting for anything other than accepting the toxic recurring patterns as acceptable boundaries to keep within and somehow hoping to arrive at a healthy relationship. It stopped making sense and I got exhausted didn't see anything worth me fighting for putting myself through the same patterns by letting him in without changing anything about what poisoned it kept us in toxic cycles, especially if nobody but me cared. It wasn't the acceptance of an immutable precog, it was the acceptance of exhaustion realizing it only mattered to me and I couldn't make it healthy if only I cared about how/why it was made toxic and kept toxic. 

So I don't know that it's worth much to anyone but me.... But I wanted to be clear about that distinction between accepting what no power of free will can change versus accepting what nothing within my power by myself can shift and change and no signs that anyone but me cares or is willing to even try to fight for something different than the repeating cycles of the last six years..... Because those are very different reasons to accept closing a chapter walking away to seek a new path where you are welcomed and wanted, y'know?

 It's so hard figuring out exactly when I'm situated lately.... I don't know how much of that sense of being untethered not anchored in time is the quality of the fatelines being in such turmoil flux (they only get more chaotic before they calm down again) and how much of it is me having to be so regimented to get all my hours in around the chaos of so many days/hours commited to Irishfests and shows and needing to back and froth between my parents and FINALLY having a chance to settle into some introvert recharge time (though I have a lot of adulting appointments and things I need to do...)  Somewhere around Oct 2023 I started writing the date correctly but the year as 2025 on everything and it took me until like February or so to get my head back into the correct year to date things. So there's that as well. I keep referring to things that haven't happened yet in real time as things already done or things already in motion and confusing people. So I've just been a bit quieter and in my head far away again. Also, during the eclipse on my birthday, I was sleeping during the actual time of it and had a very interesting dream with all the angels I know well have worked with (Gabriel, Raphael, Michael, Metatron, Sandalphon) were with me at like a war table and Raphael told me, "World War Three ends in six weeks." but I don't know if it's six weeks from my ACTUAL now of the eclipse or six weeks from the moment they took me to that we were witnessing and when I asked for clarification I was told again, "World war Three ends in six weeks."  Not entirely certain if they mean the current world war by proxies or an escalation of it or the war for souls/hunt for the nephilim that are on this planet and shouldn't be... I also don't know six weeks from WHEN the now is that it will be six weeks until the end. Message just came through on the eclipse to me.  Six weeks from the dream is a week after the US elections AND it's right about when Pluto enters Aquarius for the final "for keeps" and won't be back into Capricorn for another 200+ years -- but I don't know if that has anything to do with when the six weeks time frame refers to. For what it's worth, the only person at the table I recognized from any sort of geopolitical context as a national/international leader was the emperor of Japan who was a non-voting member of the Japanese seat though obviously I recognized flags that were there at the table..... So we may still be in war by proxies and still another four year cycle or more out from when the third world war ends... I don't know... I'll recognize those seated at the table when I see it, but that's all I have on it.

Also, as of last week, Spock OFFICIALLY has a feline CKD diagnosis and needs to be put on a renal health diet. He won't be staged until he gets his next blood draw and urinalysis a month after I switch his food out. (Which means I still have to go pickup food for him.) I won't know until after we know what stage of feline Chronic Kidney Disease how long to expect he still has with me. Other than drinking more water and losing weight (he lost 1.1 lbs over the last year since his previous vet visit and 1.1lbs the visit before) and not eating as much, he's not really showing symptoms. He's an elderly cat (15.5 years old) so he sleeps a lot which makes it hard to say if it's more or less lethargy than he should for his age. I'll know more with his followup bloodwork but I don't know yet.  But it means that there is a soon to be known finite limit on the time remaining to come see my George Winston loving cat and gift him one of the greatest joys of his already 15.5 year long lifetime by sitting down to the piano and playing for him in person.

That's all I have to catch up on right now. I feel like I should write more, but I don't really have more to say here right now. Mostly I've been enjoying my hermitting time with my fur babies recently tbh, I've also had a lot of solar flare migraines recently with all the flares (but also all the gorgeous aurora dancing over us here all across Wisconsin!) x and m class flares when the fastest moving particles hit the earth (not the cme, the first wave from it) tend to make me lightheaded and I get crackly lightning like auras when I move but not as much pain or instant dry heaving as with some of my other migraine triggers. I'm looking forward to fall days cool crisp and reading books and maybe soon laying the first fire in the hearth for this fall/winter season! 

Knock on wood, haven't had the "get out now flee while you can" response so far to Milton, we'll see if tomorrow night is similar. Maybe it was just with Helene and the flooding/mudslides and where they were that was having me react that way. But also, even though I intellectually knew how destructive Helee would be and had already been processing for weeks the images from the precogs of the devastation across the Appalachias and the damage of water and wind along the gulf coast (reminder: when I have immutable precog flashes that nothing can alter and no act of human free will can change the fate from unfolding exactly as I saw it, I tend to keep those to myself and process them out of sync with how most people process society level tragedies. I only play Cassandra and say the hard things out loud when they're still mutable precogs, when there's still even the smallest sliver of time for free will to step in and change a person's fate from tragedy to a bright(er) future. But the immutable precogs, those I just have to see and bear witness and grieve out of sync with how everyone else processes society or group/familial level tragedies in real time...And that includes when I precog deaths of people or relationships I have loved dearly -- when I know "this is the last time we will ever experience this together again and I'm going to miss you so much but I can't let the grief steal this last joy even though I already know and you don't yet."  Just because I'm already grieving over what will be and can't be changed no matter how damn hard it's fought doesn't mean I have to destroy the beauty and joy of the memory making perfect farewell for the other person who doesn't ye know. But also, if there's any chance remaining whatsoever it's still a mutable precog and free will could still avert that fate, I will fight tooth and nail to try to keep those opportunities open or give advice that makes me sound crazy to make sure you do/don't do what will make the path inevitable.... If I tell you free will choice can change the path I see that has my emotions all in turmoil, it's still mutable and you still have time -- when I go silent and emo and stoic and STOP telling you that you can still fix things and choose a different path, it means you missed the last fork in the road that could have opened a different future to you and are now on an inevitable immutable fateline where neither you nor I nor anyone else can save you from the path I foresaw tried to steer you away from choosing... But as long as the penny's in the air, it's still a fate that can be changed -- and if I'm willing to talk about it at all, your free will choices can still carve a different path for you than the one I saw you on if you take no action to change course.) Maybe whoever it is connected to me isn't in the path of this destructive force -- or maybe it's just not yet close enough to be hitting me the gut punch instinctual "flee before you can't" panic over a natural disaster too big. I don't feel any mounting panic over this massive hurricane so soon after the last, though I've seen the precogs of what's coming and it's bad...but it's not the instinctive existential "GET THE FUCK OUT NOW OR YOU WON'T SURVIVE THE FORCE OF NATURE BEARING DOWN ON YOU!!!" visceral panic. Nothing like that in me -- just a desire to curl up and hermit away from the world with what brings me joy and peace and hygge for the warm fuzzy cozy veil is thinning spooky season things in my life. 

Je ne sais pas. On verra. If I instinctual panic again like that, if anyone knows I'm sure writing it here will be the first to know, lol.

But I'm going to enjoy my hermitting while I have it -- I JUST got my SVD (special voting deputy -- it's the thing where you go into permanent care facilities to help with absentee voting; mostly elder care so have to be good and patient with elders) and they scheduled me for Mon 10/14 afternoon and Tues 10/15 afternoon and Fri 10/18 morning. Which means I can now get to work scheduling 1) Waffles annual vet visit and vaccines 2) my personal optometry appointment and purchase of new contacts (thank goodness for eye med now included in my dental insurance!) 3) my overdue oil change and tire rotation (and free alignment check/fix if I schedule at Tires Plus where I got the replacement tires) and 4) Spock's 1 month follow up bloodwork and urinalysis so we can stage his level of CKD.  Also need to pickup more Heartgard/Simparic for the dog AND buy renal support food for the cat AND do a Target run. See what I mean about the adulting piling up on me that I need to schedule and get done? I just needed those svd dates before I scheduled during my availability. Also, FINALLY getting down into 30s overnight next Sun through the following Weds so I'm going to have to harvest and bring in or end the lives of my nightshades and other not frost resilient outdoor summer plant babies. (I already brought inside my myrtle tree and strawberry shamrocks from my balcony at home. Only petunias still outside on my balcony for when I sit outside with my choke cherry tree and bird friends -- haven't yet pulled the table and chairs all the way in against the balcony door to reduce snow/ice damage to the balcony furniture (all of which I picked up secondhand for free anyway.) AND, the reason I had to get a jump on hours this week while waiting for the svd assignments (and hygge-ing it up as much as I could) is because tickets with my parents and bff Crissy for Shipwrecked Saloon at the Masonic Center on Thurs (akin to the Edgar Alan Poe Speakeasy -- actor vignette stories and four themed cocktails), then on Fri night tickets with my parents and bff for Shrek the Musical on tour at overture Hall AND on Sat night Cath Cath (my mum's high school best friend and bonus aunt in my life, the one I go visit whenever I'm in Seattle area visiting my sister's family) is currently back in Madison visiting her family and that's her annual party since she won't be back at Christmas time when she traditionally held it.

And THAT is why I've spent this first start of October being at home reading and listening to piano music and drinking coffee/tea/whiskey and just snuggling into the hygge and cozy joys before my life starts up the crazy again.