*sigh*

For getting close on to 48 hours now, Eric's been resonating so loudly between this beautiful intense love/reassurance/protectiveness then falling into waves of such intense sorrow/anger/guilt.  Guilt? I think that's the word I want.... There's something new in it that wasn't there until recently, this sense that he had failed, that instead of protecting and helping heal up hurt he'd become a source of the pain and even contributed in heaping more on. And under that there's an undercurrent of scared and anxious, afraid of losing everything and not knowing how to stop that from happening -- that undercurrent is there constantly, no matter which of the emotions are dominant in him right then. Not panicky, it's too serious to let himself panic because there isn't time now for mistakes born from panicking, but he's definitely scared and anxious. And then when he finds himself too long giving in to his negative spiral over it all, he pulls himself back up to pouring into me via the bond all the love and reassurance that he has, focusing so hard on reaching me with all the intensity of everything in him that he needs me to know....

But mostly it's all the positive feelings of his love what he's reaching to me -- the negative spirals when he falls into them are all self-directed and directed at the situation... But other than his grieving over the amount of hurting, none of the negativity in him is in any way focused on me or blaming me.... Mostly though, there's just been this heady strong continuous flood of love and reassurance and protectiveness via the bond -- that more than any of the rest of it what he wants to be sure I know is how much love is there and hoping that I'll trust him at least enough to hold on long enough for him to figure out how to start fixing this.

It's sweet. Beautiful and sweet. And I just want to lean into it so badly.... I want to do that more than I want anything else in all the world.

But the thing is, this isn't a thing of the past that you can just let go and move on because without fixing it, it's a thing of the present and future as well because it's not a one time act of relational bullying -- the system that was created as a result of the action done last October creates a continuous stream of (often accidental) relational bullying that I mentioned. The constant reminder that everyone in the class is invited to the party -- except you. But we're all going to talk about it in front of you at every opportunity and remind you that you're not invited. The situation where it's not just the person who decided you weren't invited who causes the hurting and cruelty, but also everyone else involved with it or excited about it -- people who had nothing to do with or no idea that you weren't invited, were uninvited.. It's that sort of malicious mean girl situation from the moment whoever hit block did so -- and then everyone else is just accidentally cruel perpetuating the system once the system is in place.

(Although, in all fairness. There wasn't any of that at all today. Not from any of them. Nothing that was even the hint of it. Today was good. Today there was nothing that reopened wounds, nothing that put poisons in my heart. Today there was only reminding me how wonderful Chicago was and the strength of his love, only pouring his love in and reassuring me that what we want IS real and we can make it ours and it's worth fighting for. And with nothing poisoning it, that message is all I hear -- and I want so desperately to believe and trust in it.)

But this isn't something that can just be buried in the past and let go and we move on because the unfairness and inequity and bullying isn't just a thing of the past -- it's a thing of the present and the future for as long as the system remains in place.

I wish I could just let it go and move on without having to cut out all the people who end up accidentally perpetuating it and reminding me it's in place and how it is -- but I can't do that so long as the system IS there and it IS perpetuating bullying over and over and over and over.

And the action that precipitated all of it is such a stupid petty thing to throw away so much over -- but the matter of principle itself ISN'T petty and isn't stupid. And the results of online bullying are just as real as the results of being the mean girl who decides to invite everyone but one person to her party but wants to make sure that one person is constantly reminded how awesome the party is and that everyone is going to be there except  them because they're not invited. It's the same thing. Would you find it acceptable for a 7 year old to behave that way? No. So why would you try to rationalize that it's acceptable for a 27 year old to behave that way?

Still. It's really hard right now for me not to relax into the love and reassurance and protectiveness from Eric right now. It's all he wants and all I want and I just want more than anything to rest and to trust him that all the hurting is going to stop and then it'll be okay.  But I mean, that's not real is it? There's nothing behind it, y'know? There's nothing solid, nothing tangible, nothing real right now -- just what he wants to reassure me about his truth and what I want to believe because I WANT it to be true.....

And. It's not that I don't like it, I do love having that there inside right now. I don't really have words for how much I love having that there on the empath bond like that. It's all cozy like a hug and the comfort of coming home and warm like snuggling by the fire and it's just so.....everything....

*sigh*

And I don't know that I have it in me to give it up, to try to put the bond to sleep make it dormant for an indefinable time.... Not when it's like this, not when I can feel so much from him. So much of everything I want and have always wanted. Not when it's so loud and clear inside me how much he wants it there. Not when all I can feel is how strong and deep and full of light and love and comfort and support the bond is.  Not while I can feel so strongly and consistently how fucking much we both need it and how much it means. To both of us.

I just don't think I can do it with the bond like this. I just don't think I have it in me.

And I don't know what to do about that. Because I don't know what else to do about any of it with the situation how it is......

I just don't know.

But I do know that while it's like this inside me on the bond, him pouring his love into me drowning out literally everyone and everything else, I can't even start to think about making the bond go dormant.   It's just....not even an option. Not just that I can't think of doing it and doubt I could go through with it because I haven't the strength for the hurt it would cause -- I just. It's not even an option for me. Not while it's like this.

(But that's also why, if I can't be with Eric, I HAVE to put the bond dormant or I can't be with anyone else... it wouldn't be fair to anyone in the situation, but most especially it wouldn't be fair to whoever I tried to date.)