O bollocks!!! Of course I'd jump at any opportunity to heal things and have a real chance at something tangible. Of course I would. That's not even a remotely hidden truth. Obvious as the sunrise.  I don't expect it because *gestures broadly at the choices made since Oct 28, 2018* but doesn't mean I wouldn't leap at the opportunity. What would I want more than that opportunity if it were genuine choice of acknowledgement and healing?

Just because I don't expect something doesn't mean I don't still want it. I want it, I just don't expect it to happen. (for the record: I'm talking expectations not precogs. I've had no precogs either way on the matter. I've had no precogs involving me being physically in the presence of Eric since 2019.  Not near precogs, not far precogs, not immutable precogs, not contingent precogs. No precogs at all involving him since 2019. Right now that's not surprising, with fatelines shifting so rapidly at a world wide level as individual choices shift, it's all disconcertingly vertiginous making me rather seasick all the time. Nothing short of a declarative firm choice that cuts a clear uncompromising path through the future would cut through the chaos of the worldwide shifting fatelines right now.)

Just because I've had to compartmentalize love and relationships as separate things in order to find my balance for coping with this doesn't mean I WANT to do that. It's just the only way I see to balance the dissonance between what I feel/desire with respecting the choices/boundaries made by other people's free will....

I don't mean to be difficult. It's just difficult for me to find balance between these very different ethical tensions. This is the most fair and honest solution I've found with what I have within my options. I don't like it, but it's the best I can do at this point. 

Blarg! I'm getting nowhere.... Just circles. Not even spirals of growth, just circles.

And now I've caught up on John Oliver and need to sleep so I can get up and shower and have my hair dry properly before taking my grandma to her 3pm optometry appointment (she has another on Friday afternoon with her glaucoma specialist) so I'm going to make chamomile tea then head to bed instead of running my head in circles I can't find a way out of other than to accept that my love is but there's no way to express it in the physical as a relationship without repairing and healing the broken trust issues.

P. S. Yes, I have been watching British news stations when not france24.fr in the wee hours that are morning in Kyiv, so my Britishicms are definitely going to be even more noticeable than usual.

I'm not saying that I LIKE this internal understanding that I need to simply let my love exist as it is while also accepting the evidence I have regarding the fact there is not currently enough foundations to build a relationship structure due to choices made in the name of the entire band and its place in his life and me not being welcome. But reality doesn't ask you to like it, it asks you to perceive it and when you have consistent repeating data points then the pattern will persist so long as the conditions of the situation remain the same. And I don't see what is within my choices to alter given: 1) I exist as I am and am not willing to sell out my ethical code or the sanctity of ALL free will choices 2) I will find no joy in anything created by the band nor feel welcomed to it so long as I'm ostracized excluded by them from their fans and they see no issues with having created and perpetuated that system of injustice 3) I cannot change or alter their boundaries nor will I cross them instead of respecting them in good faith even if I subjectively think they are unfair 4) The band is integral to his life and he has built his life around it and I won't compete I'll simply walk away and wish him joy of that which I am not welcome to be part of. 

So I accept that my love IS just the same as I exist and he exists and the bond exists. But I also accept that there are boundaries imposed by other and choices he has made and used to define his actions that have eroded all trust or possibility of relationship at this time without finding a way to repair/replace the broken trust.

And as long as that's true, there's no point in me investing my time or energy in building a bridge to nowhere that has no foundations to stand up to any new shocks. So I won't. And I won't expect anything but toxicity without healing and rebuilding what was broken nor will I expect anything to change as far as relationship building with him this life without concrete evidence and actions to build it upon. I will love him just as brightly and warmly as always and I will always wish for him the happiness he chooses for himself -- but I do so with no expectations that it be returned or that he will make life choices and actions that would allow for us to develop a lasting trust upon which we could build a healthy relationship. 

It's not mutually exclusive to love someone deeply with no expectations that they love you in return or they will choices/actions to have you be a part of their life. It's just not the way possessive love or competitive personalities or ego-driven defensiveness can exist. But then, I am none of those three things. And if you try to treat me as if I am, you will never provoke the reaction(s) you expect to your fear driven choices and exclusionary behavior patterns. I'll just look at you puzzled, shrug and say "That seems stupid to me but if that's what you want I'll respect your choices" and I'll go do something else with other people.You can't use fomo to try to entice me back across a system of ostracism because I don't feel I'm missing out on anything worthwhile -- everything you do on the other side of your imposed ostrakion is meaningless and empty and brings me no joy no matter what it is BECAUSE it is tainted by the pollution of the ostrakion. You can't win that way, all you can do is destroy any joy that it should have given me. And if there's no joy in it, then there's nothing for me to fight for or desire -- so I'll put my energy into the relationships where it is desired.

I will leave a door open for him to reach me if that's his choice, but don't expect me to seek or reach beyond that toward him. I can't make his choices for him nor will I attempt to dictate or control his actions. If he wants a relationship in this life, it's for him to heal and make right what was destroyed in his name and by his support of the choices made in his name. I'm not going to close all means of communication nor would I refuse to listen to him if faced directly with him -- but I'm not going to spend my energy in trying to build a relationship with someone whose choices and actions are to destroy the foundations needed to build a healthy supportive relationship. My energy will go into the relationships that are mutually desired and healthy in my life.  And my love for him will simply be, without a physical outlet in this life so long as choices made by him and for him exclude me from his life.

And I have plenty of relationships built on mutual trust and affection for me to pour my energy and love into. They needn't be romantic to be real relationships. So the relationships that need my energy includes staying up into the wee hours last night texting a close friend pictures of my dog and then letting them video chat even though my dog licking the screen kept ending the call accidentally because the apartment building next to hers was on fire last night and the friend couldn't go home was having a panic attack and wanted some puppy love to calm her and she knew if she asked me with no context as soon as I saw it I'd start spamming her puppy pictures until she could calm enough to talk to me about why she needed them. Because she and I have a multi year relationship of trust and affection shared in mutual choices and actions. 

*shrugs* My life has many relationships and many things in it that I don't share publicly or write about here. Mostly in the last several years I've used this space to try to come to grips with accepting both the love that is and the boundaries imposed by the choices of others on any relationship building. Because finding that balance has not ben easy. Even for me. 

 O wait, you didn't think that I loved Eric any less just because I've spent these last three years accepting that there's no place for me in Eric's life due to his sister's choices in the name of the entire band and his (in)actions showing that he's okay with and approves of that message/choice? Of course I love him just as deeply. Doesn't matter that I've had to fight my own desires so hard to accept the choices of others, the love is just as bright and warm and cozy for the fact he exists even if I have no way to express it. Love doesn't have to be wanted or reciprocated to exist. It just is... 

Look, as I said last post, love is one thing and relationships are something else. It's like....love is the fire and relationships are the structure. A fire without a structure to contain it is more easily put out by elements and a structure without a hearth fire is cold and uncomfortable - both of them are improved by a design for their healthy coexistence, but they're inherently different things and can be mutually exclusive.  Love is an emotion, a reaction, a joy and brightness and warmth that something exists and you're lucky enough to share existence with it in defiance of all the probabilities that you wouldn't. Relationships are long term structures of mutual interdependence of trust and faith that you earn by building over time showing all the ways you care to invest in the structure and that the foundations of the trust are solid. Love can exist without relationships and relationships can exist without love -- but the strongest and most long-term enduring have both woven together. There's joy that the other exists and gratitude you get to share the moments of this life AND there are choices and habits that create mutual trust that the joy and gratitude and caring and nurturing runs both ways. You can have love and no way to build a relationship or to invest trust because every time you do you find the trust undermined by other people's choices. Relationships require both sides put in attention and caring and meaning and build/maintain trust - a bridge needs support from both sides moving towards the center point together or it will collapse. Relationships require foundations supported from both sides if you want to get them off the ground. The love is still there, you'll still feel it's brightness and joy - you just have no way to build it into something more permanent no matter how much you wish you did. It's not love that's lacking between Eric and me, if you've ever seen the way either of us light up at the presence of the other you know that, it's the trust and most basic aspects of relationships building that's been broken and is missing. I mean, I don't even have trust or belief that I'm anything he wants in his life or that there's a place for me in his life. Where's the relationship building there if you don't even have reasons to think the other person wants a connection (of even the simplest sort) with you in their life? It's not love that his sister's choices in the name of the band broke, a deep love can't be broken that easily, it's the most fundamental basic trust of any relationship or connection that got shattered. 

Also. I'm not a particularly selfish or ego driven person this life.  I mean, I'm an old soul with past life memories and this life I'm a Libra sun Pisces rising. I can accept that there are more chances than just this one and while they won't be the same as the could bes that got destroyed, they'll be beautiful in different ways whenever I do get to have them. And then as an empath, I fundamentally require that those I love be happy and fulfilled for me to feel happy - especially in shared activities. I'm just not competitive that way. I mean, I'm competitive against myself, I'm very competitive against the best I have been or that I believe I can be. But I get nothing from competition with others to try to prove who is better - in my view anyone competitive from the ego against others is only proving they're not living up to their best self no matter how they "win" against anyone else still they "lose" against their personal best.  It's not people pleasing, it's just that if getting what I wanted happens at the expense of someone else's joy, I can't enjoy it. There's quite literally no joy for me in getting what I wanted if it means someone I care about is unhappy. I don't want the last slice of cake if me having it makes someone else upset because them being upset saps all my joy out of that slice of cake - either we split it or you go ahead take it and I'll go find something else to bring me joy because I won't enjoy it anyway even if I "won" it fairly. Even something as simple as dinner plans, people pleasing me what I want and then you not enjoying it will make it so I can't enjoy my food. I would much rather say, "you do what you want and I'll do what I want and I'll be happier knowing you got something you wanted. when there's something we both want, then we'll do it together, k?" My idea of compromise isn't that one person gives in their free will to the other if they can't agree and then neither person is happy, my idea of compromise is finding something everyone is happy with or doing separate things. You can't ever make me happy by bending your free will to mine or asking me to bend mine to yours - the only way you get to have me happy doing something together is from a place of mutual respect and trying to find something makes us both happy. So for me, accepting that someone's happiness wouldn't have a place for me in it can make me sad that that's how it is for them and wistful that there isn't another way, but I couldn't be made happy by forcing them to include me when they don't want to so I'd rather just go do my own thing where I am wanted and I am integral to the happiness of wherever I am.  For me, confrontations where I "win" at the expense of someone else's happiness are a zero sum game where I lose no matter who wins - so I'd rather not play and just let them do what makes them happy while I go do something else without them. 

Also. No matter how much I wanted something to happen a certain way, I'm never particularly wedded to my own plans because the strangest most improbable things always happen around me and also as a precog I genuinely adore happy surprises. Do you know how big a deal it is when you succeed at surprising someone who gets uncontrollable glimpses of the future and who can flip through the sands of future fatelines the same way normal people page through scrapbooks?! Sometimes I precog what my next meal is or what I'll be wearing when I'm somewhere and in a fit of stubborn contrariness refuse to give input because I cheated and already know and if I say it then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than a true precog. Or worse, I'll intentionally try to choose something else and then the weirdest shit has the restaurant closed and me spilling on the alternate outfit and it can go through 4 or more iterations of this before I give in and accept the precog I tried so hard to fight to make false. It's not always fun to know what happens before everyone else does and it often means I'm reacting my shock/anger/sorrow before anyone else does. So I love to be shown that my precogs aren't infallible, that I don't see everything before it happens - I love getting to experience things in the same moment of everyone else. It's why I won't peak and have a blackout on all sports results so I can get the joy in watching. I never enjoyed watching sports until I intentionally asked for and was granted that blindspot to my precogs. It's the greatest feeling in the world to get something good that you didn't see coming when you always see so much coming! It's just this pure child-like delight at the unexpected rainbows when the light catches in the prisms and suddenly there's rainbows dancing all over the room. Sure you can work out the physics of how it happened and after the first time you know to expect it, but that first time there's just so much delight in the surprise of an unexpected beauty.... So as a precog, I get really delighted by happy surprises when they succeed and even when I glimpse the good beforehand I still get the joy of the effort and love and intention that went into the planning for the way things unfolded. 

So. For me. Yes it upsets me to accept the belief that Eric doesn't want me in his life and there's no place for me in it even as a fan of the music the band as a collective creates but it upsets me because my desires can't be realized without a mutual desire for a connection. I've been upset about that since October 28, 2018 when I first had to face it and I've been working at the stoic acceptance of it as his choice since August 31, 2019. There's no way for me to ever get what I desire if it's not something he wants....it needs to be mutually desired and mutually built or it's never going to become anything substantial or structurally sound. And so I just need to accept his choices and his actions because they're his and there's nothing for me to get of my desires. Because all my desires require a mutual connection and that we both choose to build toward each other. Without that, all my choices are only as to where else I look for connections to build and relationships to find meaning in. So if I need to accept that his choices show he doesn't desire or include space for me in his life, then I can do that because that's his free will choices. The love is still there, I still find a very intense joy that he exists and gratitude that our paths crossed but there is no connection and no relationship building between us anymore. There hasn't been since I lost all trust and faith that he desires a connection with me or cares about having a relationship with me in his life. And maybe that was a mistake and not anything he ever wanted me to try to believe, maybe all it would take is to acknowledge that a mistake was made and then make choices and actions that prove that was the error. But the acknowledgement and the choices and actions aren't mine to make are they? I only have the actions and choices of the past perpetuated into the present for me to work with at this point.... And I have to take those at face value because they're all I have representing his choices. You can't throw out data as outliers in a limited data set. Nothing's an outlier in a limited data set - outliers are only found on data sets with lots of data points and only a handful that don't align with the general data trends. My only data set parameters at this time is that his life is built around his band and I'm not welcome or wanted as even a fan of the band and that he stands behind that choice in the band's name. That's my data set since Oct 28, 2018 - and every time since August 31, 2019 he has ever gone live on the band's Instagram or used it to share stories, he has created more data points that confirm this is his choice that I be excluded from the band that his life is built around. What else was I supposed to conclude from every single action from the band toward me as a fan in the last 3.5 years and confirmed in his choices of the last 2.5 years that he has known this has existed? What other data set do I have regarding me personally in any connection with the band that his entire life is built and structured around?

So. You see. I wish for him the happiness he seeks because I love him and don't know how to wish for him anything else but that his life be full of joy in what he has in it, but I won't pretend I know what that means for him and I personally have zero expectations that he even wants me to be any part of it..... I still love him just as much as ever, but my love has never been a possessive sort of love and if a relationship with me isn't a part of the happiness he seeks for his life then I'll take my love with me and make relationships where my presence is desired and integral to the happiness of everyone involved. 

Which is why I say love isn't earned, it just is. But if you want a relationship, first there's the most basic trust that the relationship itself is something mutually desired. And that trust must be earned, especially if it was ever lost, because that's the very cornerstone foundation of anything you want to build. All the brightest warmest love in the world won't give you that cornerstone to build a relationship on if you lost it - only intention and continuously choosing in actions "this is what I want" and clear unambiguous communication can create and earn that sort of trust. Especially if it's been broken by past choices....even if they weren't your choices but your actions supported the choices that broke it, you're still the one who broke it. It's still for you to fix if you want to (re)build any sort of connection, to earn any sort of relationship that you both can lean into.

And it's not my love he ever lost or has had to earn. Not in this life or any other. My love for him has never shaken or wavered or dimmed. It's my trust and my very basic belief that he wants me in his life and that any bridge I try to build he'll be building from his side toward me to meet in the middle and build a relationship with foundations to last. And that's not something I can create out of nothing or give to me -- only his choices and his actions can give me that. But without it, what's the point in me even trying for a relationship with him this life if I'm the only one who wants it? I'll leave the love be unexpressed and unfulfilled if it's a one-sided desire this life, and I'll devote my time and energy into building relationships where it's mutually desired in this lifetime.  What else is a girl to do with all this love but nothing to build around it to share it? 

 I didn't realize when I wrote either of those last two posts that it was Eric's birthday. I'm not very good at birthdays unless they're ones I memorized as a kid. I can remember what zodiac signs people are, but that's like a month long window for their birth, if you ask me the actual day I'm pretty much SOL. Also ADHD so measuring flow of time isn't my forte - I exist in a state of constant flow and only music or the regular breathing/heartbeat of another living being kick-starts my inner metronome. If I have to be somewhere at a set time, it involves a lot of clock watching, reduced productivity due to clock watching, a lot of mental math to figure out when I need to start a task so it's done in time to start the next task, and complete derailment if I'm interrupted. If things have a hard start time, like plane tickets and concerts, then I'm the person who likes to err on the side of getting there early so when I lose track of time I'm already where I need to be and I get time stressed if things are getting in the way until I'm there. 

His email made me smile. I wasn't expecting it, but I was glad when I saw it and read it. Seems a funny way and place for wanting to share his joy in being alive right now, but I'm selfishly happy he chose that method as I wouldn't have seen it on any of his social media but I do see it in his emails. I liked that it didn't feel performative for show or ego stroking, it felt personal "these are things I wanted you to know about me and this was the best way I could think to do that." And I liked that about it, that it was authentic. I'm a sucker for everything authentic, always have been. If you want to stop me speechless too full of emotions, do something real from the heart not something to impress. Don't do a "look at me" showing off, do something genuine and authentic if you want my full attention. And like I said, while it would have made more sense to post something on socials, I was selfishly grateful he picked the way he did, to write to his email list, because that meant I saw it.

I understood the being bad at holidays thing, I am too. (See above where I acknowledge I'm bad at birthdays and dates generally.) For me, it's generally because I don't like being a have to - I don't want someone to show they care about me because it's an arbitrary point on a calendar that society says they're supposed to. I prefer the authentic, not the performative have to, when it comes to expressions of affection. Randomly being spontaneously affectionate because you're overflowing with love means a helluva lot more to me than doing it because you're supposed to. A child gifting me a scribble or a dandelion means more to me than flowers on overpriced roses day - because it's an authentic showing of love not a supposed to. Also, he doesn't lack imagination for how he'd like to celebrate his birthday, he lacks someone in his life whi he wants to find meaning in making those memories with. And that's not the same thing. He knows he'd be happy retreating to a cabin, but he wants to share the experience to make it a celebration. There's nothing stopping him going to a favorite restaurant, but he wants to share experiencing flavor experiences he loves with someone else, to celebrate the experience together. The meaning in it is sharing the experience, feeling the joy in it with someone whose joy amplifies your own joy. He knows what he would enjoy doing to celebrate his birthday, but he wants a shared experience of celebrating his existence in the life of someone else - it's perfunctory to him to celebrate it alone.  At least that's how I understood that part. And not just anyone, specifically someone with whom sharing makes the experiences meaningful. That's how he would like to celebrate, by doing things that being him joy and sharing those experiences with someone whose joy in his existence and the shared experience gives meaning to the moments and the memories.

And I would fight with him over needing to earn love or affection, because that makes it seem like you need to achieve something to be loved. Love isn't measured in achievements. But I would agree that love should be deserved, should be derived from isness. I don't want to be worshipped as some ideal on a pedestal, I've had adoration enough in past lives to recognizes it's hollow and empty and meaningless. I want to be seen for me qua me, all the best of me and worst of me and all my "that's fucking annoying as hell" quirks and all my triumphs and all my failures - and I want to be loved for all the things that make me the version of me that I am in this life. I want to be seen and cherished for exactly who I am and for the best version of me I strive to be in order to feel I deserve the love I receive and the everyday me that is sometimes all I can manage -- but it starts with wanting to be seen and loved for me as I am.  But the love itself isn't earned, it just is. It grows stronger and more intense the more you see that evokes love and the longer you have to find what's lovable in another, but that's not so much earning as learning how much more there is to be loved.  You don't love a dog because it has achieved something - what does a dog achieve beyond training to go potty outside, not to eat the cat, and not hump people's legs? As achievements, those are pretty low bar and you don't love the dog for them, you love the dog despite the times it fails at those basic achievements. You love a dog because sharing your life with them adds joy to your life - and your dog loves you for those same reasons. Their existence makes your existence brighter for being in it.  I think it's important to try to be the best version of yourself to feel you deserve the love others feel for you, but ultimately love and affection is born from the fact another soul's existence makes your own brighter for getting to share it. Trust is earned, faith is earned, believing that someone wants to stay with you is earned. But love and affection is that brightness and warmth you feel that another soul exists and you're fucking lucky enough to get to share existence with them. Loyalty is something you prove and in return you earn trust, but love is just that joy and wonder something IS and you're lucky enough to experience it. And sometimes, we only recognize love by the absence of it, by how much less light and meaning there is without them. But affection and love is not earned, it just is. It's just, it's that brightness of joy in knowing someone or something exists and you were lucky enough to find it so it could shine in your life. 

So I would disagree with him that love needs to be earned - trust and faith needs to be earned but love just is. When you look at someone and all you feel is warmth and joy that they exist and wonder that you're lucky enough to have found them to share the experience of the moments you're in, that's love. It's the recognition that someone makes your life brighter for having found them, makes you light up brighter when you see them or see something from them or that reminds you of them.  Love is that brightness and warmth that something is and it's the desire to cherish and protect and nourish that brightness and warmth. 

I would agree though that if you want something meaningful and enduring and lasting, you will need the loyalty and faith that must be earned as well as the affection and love that simply is. There is an aspect of the long-term and meaningful that must be earned, I agree. It's the relationship that must be earned and trust in it, not the affection and love components where the earning comes into play. At least, that's how I see it. But I'm single and not looking because I don't want to waste my time on just anyone and I've known all my life what I wanted if I could only find him and then after finding him I've been made to believe I'm not wanted and can't have him in my life because I don't belong in his life. So most of what I know about love is not in the romantic sense this life. That's still something unfulfilled for me..... What I know of love is about the joy and meaning in shared moments of existing together and the delight that you get to have that this life. 

Also. I found it curious that he ended with that affirmation of still finding the joy and wonder in his life. Curious in the timing since I'd just recently brought it up, but good he ended with it in that I think it absolutely something worth celebrating that he feels that and has that in him still. It's important and it made me super happy to have him affirm that he hasn't lost that. It made me want to hug him and tell him, "O I'm so glad you've not lost your joy and wonder!!" 

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't reread this one, several times reread it and then some. And every time it made me smile and feel happy inside and grateful to have it. It doesn't seem likely that was his goal in writing it, but whether it was a goal or not, it's still a direct effect of his having written what he did and sent it. Definitely did not decrease my desire to hug him and tell him how happy I am that he exists and how grateful I am to be lucky enough to have found him this life. Would 100% give into that desire if he were here right in front of me because it's already so strong in me even without him being here. Would then probably overthink if I should have done it maybe I just made everything extra awkward by my effusiveness, but first instinct would be to hug him and tell him how happy I am to see him. It is every time I see him. 

O right! And Happy International Polar Bear Day!!!! (I only know this because I follow a lot of polar bear accounts and zoos, lol. Including the zoo in Madison, which is free, and has two polar bears I can visit any day I want.)

 When your 15 year old Pisces pup follows you into the bedroom while watering house plants and asks if you can please lift her onto the bed for snuggles, you do it. You don't make breakfast, you just snuggle and kiss your little bear until she overheats and moves to curl up near you and sleeps and then you stay there bored on your phone because all the books are just out of reach. And now the dog has curled up across your legs sooooo we just live in the bed now, mkay?  

So that was my morning. And my afternoon. Because old dogs sleep a lot. (Okay, so I took a nap too as long as I was there.) Also my time with her is finite and so if she wants snuggles and I have nowhere I have to be, then let's spend the day cuddling pup. And the tea that I had made right before the dog wanted snuggles? Stone cold. Surprisingly, Nutcracker in NY green tea was surprisingly better than expected after letting it get cold. (One of the Churchill's seasonal teas that they still had in stock last time I ordered more tea back in January. I drink a lot of unsweetened high quality hot tea, though I loathe sweet tea as an abomination - I actually don't like the flavor of most water and I have an old lives distrust of water that hasn't been boiled or mixed with wine to kill bacteria. Like I KNOW with my head that we have sanitation systems now and I'm unlikely to get cholera or dysentery or giardia from my tap water, but there's something in my soul that still takes issue with drinking water that I didn't boil or mix with alcohol to make it safe. Old soul quirks.)  And then I took Audrey on an evening walk and the stars were out bright so I could commune with Sirius and Orion before me for much of our walk.   Moon wasn't out yet, but between yesterday's fresh snow and the streetlight and the stars, it was plenty bright for a walk. I should go make me dinner since it's already 9pm. Not sure I have the will or imagination to make anything too intense....so tater tots with Sriracha it is. And maybe some whiskey. I finished up all the Redbreast which means Jameson or stout edition cask finished Jameson, or opening the Green Spot to try. (Look, I like Irish whiskeys single malt scotches.  I've had some Japanese whiskeys I like but I've never had any American or Canadian whiskeys I liked, just ones that are tolerable and others that were awful. That includes bourbons. I find most bourbons too sweet and molasses textured, but I do like J Henry bourbon which is made from an heirloom red kernel corn that's been grown on their family farm since the early 1800s. I actually really really love J. Henry, though it's hard to find outside of Wisconsin since this is where it's made. Mostly though I like best my whiskeys from Ireland and my wines from France or Greece.)  I think I'll open and try the Green Spot tonight, it feels like a night for a really really good whiskey not just my everyday Jameson whiskey. Green Spot was recommended by the Howleys lads that for them it tastes like home and I've only heard good things about Green Spot and Yellow Spot whiskeys.... It's a single pot still Irish whiskey. Also I'll buy some more Redbreast soon, because it's my favorite favorite whiskey I've tried so far this life. So anyway. That was my day. watered my plants, snuggles with the pup after breakfast turned into all day cuddles, cold tea that was better than expected, a walk with the dog under the stars through the fresh snow covered world, and now I need to do something about dinner and whiskey and then I'm going to put some music on and light some candles and read for a bit. I don't know what music yet, probably piano music is what I'm most in the mood for. Not just because my cat only loves piano and my dogs favorites are piano and strings quartets, but my mood tonight is to want the moonlight on waves of piano music. That's how you should think of me tonight and how I filled my day today    How was your day? 

Also. I just wanted to say. The last few days and today most strongly of all, I have had the strongest desire to wrap my arms around Eric and feel him holding me and kiss him until he KNOWS that he is loved and there's no room in his head to doubt that. I can't, since he's not here in my life, but knowing with my head that I can't doesn't stop my heart from wanting it.  There's never a time, waking or sleeping, that I don't want to wrap my arms around him and kiss him until he can't help smiling and rejoicing with me that the moment IS and against all probabilities we get to share it. There's never a single moment I don't want that more than I've ever selfishly wanted anything this life. I lack opportunity to make it reality and I lack faith that I'm any part of anything he wants or chooses for himself this life -- but that doesn't change my desires. Just because I don't feel like he wants me or that there's a place for me in the life he has chosen doesn't stop me from WANTING to wrap my arms around him to make him feel my joy that he IS and it doesn't stop me from WANTING to kiss the corners of his mouth until he starts smiling every time I see him weighed down serious sad inside. I may have spent the last three years forcing myself to accept his choice that he stands by there being no place for me in his life and I'm neither welcome nor wanted even as a fan by the band he's built his life around, but that doesn't stop my wanting to make certain he knows and feels my love and joy that he exists and my wonder that against all odds and probability of time and space and population we were lucky enough to have our paths meet in this life.  Me wanting to hug him and kiss him and make sure he knows that his existence brings joy to my existence is just a part of my isness. It's one of those things like breathing and heart beats and sunrises and the tides, one of those unchanging rhythms of isness that is always changing but always cyclical repeats.  I don't know how not to feel joy that he IS or how not to feel wonder that against all probability we exist at the same time and have found each other in the seas of humanity - and feeling all that all the time, I don't know how to not want to express it to him physically by hugging him and kissing him. if I only had the opportunity so I could.... I can train myself that it would be wrong to act on because it's not what he chooses for his life and I need to accept his free will self-determination - but I can't make me stop WANTING to do it. And sometimes that desire to hug him and kiss him is extra strong and today is one of those times. Just is. 

And right now, my isness includes a strong desire to wrap my arms around him and feel him holding me and to kiss him until he can't help but smile full of light. To make him know all the things that I feel too deeply and intensely to put into words. I'd very much like to give him that.... I can't because he's not here and I'm not there. But still I want to make certain he knows my truth. That I'd share with him my joy he exists and how much wonder there is for me that against all numerical probability our paths found each other. If only I could. If it was something he wanted. 

Just like I won't knowingly lie to myself or anyone else about my experiences and how we got here, still I also won't lie about what it is I want. The wanting that nothing deters or dims, the wanting that is so interwoven a part of myself I don't know what my isness without it would be any more than I can comprehend what this life would be without the flow of my breathing and the rhythm of my heartbeat under my skin. That's the way my desire to share with him the joy that he exists and we found each other and the wonder that against all probability we exist together in the same time and place.

 The fact that "securing" the Chernobyl site and then making the caretakers hostage was one of the primary early targets for Russia's invasion of Ukraine should be ringing alarm bells for everyone. Beyond the nuclear missiles Russia already had, the waste from the environs around Chernobyl can create so many dirty bombs or be dropped "harmlessly" over civilian areas or used in targeted killings that will be difficult to trace or sold on the black market to militants who will use it..... There is nothing good that comes of Putin holding Chernobyl and it's radioactive waste and taking it out of the hands of the people who are trained to keep it from another runaway meltdown reaction. It's fucking terrifying. And that's before you even considered that Ukraine has one of the largest unmined uranium réservés in the world. And this stage of the physical invasion only started 24 hours ago.... (Technically Putin's invasion of sovereign Ukrainian territory began when he unilaterally annexed Crimea and wasn't punished for it.) 

When you combine the fact of "securing" Chernobyl in the first 24 hours with the threats made in his speech, the situation is absolutely chilling..... And not just for those in Europe who are watching another megalomaniac once again gobbling up sovereign European nations one at a time.....

As I said earlier, the world hasn't been this close to the possibility of nuclear weapons usage or nuclear winter in over 30 years..... 

In unrelated happy news: tonight's snowfall was absolutely gorgeous and sparkly and the pup and I went on a nice long snow frolic a couple hours ago! It was all freshly untrammelled inch of sparkle fluff everywhere and it made her hair sparkle where it fell on her.  There is great beauty still all around us in the natural world and its seasons even though the human world remains a mess and this is a dark time for humanity. And the joy and wonder in the beauty that IS in the Universe and the dance of physics and spirit that creates it, that the beauty exists in defiance of all the darkness that seeks to destroy it, is the healing balm for the soul and the reminder of what you fight for and why you never ever fucking give up the fight to try to protect and nurture truth and justice and beauty and kindness and all the good that exists in defiance of the evil that would destroy it. 

So fucking love the shit out of the sparkling snow and the sunrises and the trees and the movement of water and the mountains and the flowers and you fill yourself up again with the strength and reasons you fight for the good. And then you face unblinkingly the evils that spread in the dark places from which they seek to bully others to their will. You face it without hiding or burying or denying the worst sordidness and greatest harm they are capable of if allowed to spread unchecked and then you do whatever the fuck you can in the name of that which is beautiful and good and lights your heart with joy that it IS.  That's the only way you ever fight the darkness of human choices and unincarnated dark spirits that seek to possess and master and feed upon the living - your strength is always in your ability to love and cherish and seek to protect/defend what IS in defiance of all that would make choices to destroy it. Always. 

And that includes recharging in the peace and beauty of a walk with your dog in the soft falling sparkly snow on a  night nobody else has yet walked under those skies and on that fresh fallen canvas.  And not allowing yourself to think about the fatelines unfolding, but to just be in the moment and breathe in the joy and beauty and store the memory away undefiled for the days when you will need its beauty to give you the strength to keep fighting through whatever humanity's choices throw at you to deal with.

Because if you can't find the joy and wonder in the beauty that IS in defiance of all logic and all that would bury it and destroy it, then your soul will atrophy into numbness and nihilism and there will be no distinction in your eyes between the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the free will choices and the authoritarian mandate, empathy and cruelty. And then the dark will win when you cease to care about who or what is destroyed by it's desire to dominate control others and bury truths and destroy what exists in defiance of it. So you cling to all that brings you joy and wonder that it IS and you fight like your soul depends on hanging onto the light it brings to your heart by the fact it EXISTS. Because it does. If you lose that, you lose yourself to the shadows and the shades of grey and relativist ethics that will get you so numb you find yourself rationalizing injustice as simply how it is. Only knowing what is worth fighting for and allowing yourself to rejoice that it ever existed and you were lucky enough to get to experience it can keep your inner fire alight and keep you from sliding into the shadows where you justify the dark and it's desire to bury truth and destroy light and force others to do it's desires rather than obey their free will choices. 

Happy 24 hours after the start of WWIII and 48 hours before International Polar Bear Day - I'm overjoyed it's snowing such a beautiful sparkly snowfall in Wisconsin in February when the order of the seasons should be snow covered here. And above all that I was lucky enough to be alive to dance in the light sparkling on the surfaces of such a beautiful moment and get to walk in the softness of it and breathe in the goodness of how a February night in this latitude was created and SUPPOSED to shine. And now I have hot tea and candles alight and puppy chow I made in the ice storm and books and sleeping fur babies curled up snuggled on me and the snow is still beautiful enough to make me smile whenever I look up from my books to watch it.

For the record, if you don't realize that Putin and Xi have decided to start WWIII and that Putin is serious about his threat to use targeted nuclear missiles against anyone who stands up to his bullying (meaning now or later he's prepared to use them), then you have not been paying enough attention to the last 15 years of history in Belarus, Ukraine, Sino-Pacific region, and Syria.  And if you think China is going to side with US/UK/EU/NATO allies, then you've not been paying attention to anything they've done in the last 20 years. And sanctions won't do shit so long as the single largest market in the world is still your ally willing to trade with you and launder whatever you need for you....

I would lay down money that the reason for the sudden pull out of American and ally troops from Afghanistan and leaving such a vacuum for the return of the taliban rather than a slow stepdown was because of top secret intelligence that following the success of annexing Crimea, both Russia and China were going to present fronts requiring those troops and resources allocated across Europe and Asian allies. I have privately discussed that theory of mine with my close family and friends with whom I discuss realpolitik of geopolitical realities from the very first that such a precipitate draw down was announced.

Nuclear winter is closer right this moment than it has been for the last 40 years....

I wonder if "minor" nuclear winter might counteract the effects of global warming.... Y'know, I need to not even think that question lest the world find out. 

Crash courses in life lessons are a bitch, non?

 I was tonight years old when I remembered that due to the intense heat of summer in Qatar, FIFA World Cup was moved from typical mid-summer to late November/early December, and I'm currently giving myself massive pre-anxiety about how I'm expecting to watch Packers football, FIFA world cup matches, and Grand Prix of figure skating between Nov. 21-Dec. 18.... Like, I know that I can/will delay watching figure skating grand prix events until later because we already do that most years with Packers games in the mix. I guess I'll have to wait see which nations make FIFA World Cup and when they play and how that lines up opposite Packers schedule (once that's decided) and maybe I just watch them next to each other other on split screen or neighboring monitors.... But how did I choose the audio?! Both would be chaotic but maybe it depends on the match?  This is so much easier on my decision making processes when FIFA World Cup is its normal midsummer timing!!!  

O dios mio, but I can't remember ever being this stressed out (preemptively) about sports viewing schedules..... Why they got to overlap them like this?!?! 

Arrrrrrrrgh!!!

Never mind, it's 10 months out before these decisions need to be made between football games and futball matches -- literally long enough away that a child could be conceived and born before I need to be thinking about this. 

So I'm going back to watering my plants and listening to British news and reading The Tao of Physics (my current purse book) and not thinking about this. I'm thinking that if I don't get the plants all taken care of by a "reasonable" bar time to head home, I'll work through until sunrise and then home for breakfast and then drop my dog off at work again while I go grocery shopping after they open at 7am (coworkers will be here with her at 9am and if left at home without me she barks at people in the hallway) when they open and then taking things home and then Target and then tasking things home and then back at work for lunch. And then home before the ice/sleet/freezing rain arrives.  Rather than the previously promised snow, we're now under winter weather advisory from 5pm Mon until 6pm Tuesday for freezing rain/sleet up to a quarter inch of ice and then converting to maybe an inch of snow.... And then I'll wait until roads are cleared before I head out anywhere further than taking care of my dog's needs outside.  Thus why I should buy groceries beforehand and then get home before things get dicey. (If you saw how empty my fridge is, you would agree. But if I get too exhausted to power through without sleep or migraine starts up from the weather change, then I have freezer and pantry and some kitchen things I can make me.) We still have 2 inches of snow promised for Thursday -- but I'll believe it when I see it with my own eyes. IF it snows Thursday as promised, I plan to spend the day taking the dog for a fun lovely snow frolic and then a crackling fire at the hearth! IF we get the promised snow... Which this year's winter feels like a bigger if than it ought to be....

Also though, WHY does FIFA World Cup have to be in the middle of Packers football and Grand Prix of figure skating season?!?! WHY?!?! Well. If you're looking to see me during late November/early December, expect to be forced to watch sports with me. Mon bon dieu....

Light up, light up, As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear. Louder, louder, And we'll run for our lives. I can hardly speak, I understand, Why you can't raise your voice to say

 He's unhappy and feeling bereft of hope somehow.... I don't know about what or why, just know is. It's just the strong emotion that echoes through from him. Like he feels whatever he does, it can't make anything better so why is he trying so hard. Even though I've hardly let me reach for him down the bond or meet up with him in shared dream space, his emotions always flow like winds through my inner stillness. Even if I'm keeping myself busy, the echoes of his emotions are resonating inside me. He shouldn't feel that way.... The only thing you're guaranteed to fail at is the thing you never have the courage to try, and the only thing you can't fix is the thing you refuse to admit is broken. At least, that's how I see it. The more honest you are about what you're dealing with and why it's not working the way you'd hoped, the better you'll be at getting it to smoothly and efficiently do what you want in the future - but even a square wheel can be turned to show a different face if you put enough force into turning it. Not as well as if you realize curves act like a fulcrum to ease the forces required to shift across the corner, and certainly not as easy as if you learn some basics about gears and pulleys, maybe an axle - a square wheel won't get you very far or move very fast....but if you need to make something turn you always can. If the square wheel isn't working well enough to achieve what you need done, figure out what's wrong with a square wheel and make a better wheel design that better does what you're trying to achieve, then try again. The only things you can never find a way to make better are the things you lie to yourself about, the truths you try to deny or hide, and the things you're too scared to even try a new approach. Experiments would be boring if they always worked exactly as expected - and so would life. you write your hypothesis based on your learned expectations from the past and then you design a new scenario to either learn more about why things did/didn't work last time(s) or to find out what happens in this new scenario. 

But if I could I'd tell him that he's only guaranteed to fail if he's too scared to try something or if he lies to himself about what he's dealing with. And I'd hug him. The "won't let go until you do" sort of hug. Because I know that his soul needs that quite desperately right now. And if I'm fully honest, mine does too.

And because.... The only thing harder on me than accepting I don't belong in his life and I'm not wanted in it and need to make my own choices accordingly is to think of him as existing in an emo wasteland where he feels that the happiness he seeks is impossible for him to ever make his. He just has to know what he wants and have the courage to choose it. That's all he ever had to do. 

Also. After watching the figure skating gala, I have the song Run that Sui and Han skated to stuck in my head. I definitely cried when they were skating it because it felt like them saying their goodbye to the sport that has defined their lives and retiring on their terms.  Also though, after her mistake in the side by side jumps, I was really scared they were going to get silver again and I wanted them to have their fairy tale ending gold on home ice redemption arc so badly!! because they should have won it last Olympics, the subjective "artistic scores" is how they lost and they shouldn't have. They said in multiple interviews that losing it by half a point is the only reason they didn't retire already.

They skated to the Leona Lewis cover of Run, but the version of it stuck in my head is the Snow Patrol original. So those are the words and melody repeating in my head right now: "Light up, light up,  As if you have a choice.  Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear. Louder, louder, And we'll run for our lives. I can hardly speak, I understand, Why you can't raise your voice to say."

Right. I'm very tired. Already in bed snuggled under the blankets and linens -- just going to press the post button then reach across to plug this in before sleeps. So on that thought, bonne nuit. Sweet dreams. Tomorrow is a new day and another sunrise. Choose for it what is true to your deepest held values and you'll bend things toward the correct course. I have faith in that truth always.

 This morning when I took the dog out in the predawn was so exquisitely beautiful!!! It was the most perfect of perfect blue hours!!! (Golden hour is the slanting sun just after sunrise and just before sunset when the angle of the sun makes the air itself look like it's molecules are made of honey; blue hour is the gloaming before sunrise and twilight after sunset where everything takes on grey-purply-blue tones.  Often it's sort of shadowy, but sometimes when the moon is up and full and there's snow on everything, the air gets this translucent blue like peering through crystal clear waters at white sands or ice on the other side. It was that sort of blue hour this morning.) The sky was the most incredible shade of blue, just lightly picked to the east, but it wasn't dark out because the waning gibbous moon was huge and high in the sky to the west and all the world was covered in reflective white from the half inch of snow. It was also cold enough and the winds in last night's snow squall strong enough that the snow was all round pellets that squeaked like styrofoam.  But still it was new snow and so it was the brightest most reflective whiteness. And between the snow and the light of the waning gibbous, it was brighter in the early predawn than mid-afternoon on grey sky days.

It was gloriously bright and beautifully blue early this morning!!!! I'm so happy my dog was patient and then my cuppa tea finished just at the right time for it to look light enough out for me to take her outside and see that beauty of the blue hour on the fresh snow this predawn!!!  

It was only half an inch of snow, maybe as much as three-quarters inch and while it's only 2F right now, the high on Sunday is supposed to get up to 50F so all of this will melt almost immediately..... But then we're forecast to get 4-5 inches of snow across Monday night and Tuesday another 3 inches of snow on Thursday -- and it will make the world beautifully reborn and sparkling instead of the dingy grey-browns of these recent weeks of snow drought coupled with unseasonably warm then swinging to brutally cold and back.....climate change has made this winter a strange one in Wisconsin.

Also, the snow squalls yesterday and the high winds with them meant that I did not go to Milwaukee to see Talisk..... Which makes me sad. But when your drive is to head east-south-east and you have 20-30mph sustained winds with up to 50mph gusts coming from the southwest then later around when you're driving west-north-west back home the winds will still be that high but coming from the northwest and so you're under a high winds advisory from 2pm-4am, even if you drive a low to the ground Scion, just driving on the same highway with high profile vehicles is a bad life choice.... I've been nearly run off the road by semis in wind gusts and only my precogs have saved me by telling me to speed up or slow down from being in the path of SUVs rolled over in broadside winds like that.  So when the wind advisory showed up in the morning, I texted Crissy and we both agreed that was not safe for driving. Then at 5:30pm, emergency network for the state started blaring the tornado warning weather alert sounds and texts to all cell phones in Madison about the "emergency snow squall" of 40+ mph winds with whiteout conditions to falling/blowing snow and to get off all elevated roads and highways immediately get somewhere safe until 7pm when the squall would pass us. Then they sent out the same thing at about 6:15pm with the updated timing of waiting until 8pm for the squall warning to pass and that the high wind advisory remained until 4am. 

So yeah. Once again divine intervention causing severe weather when I'm intending on going to a concert and/or considering driving while ICUS and ERs overwhelmed still. Since venues reopened, I have actually only attended concerts at Majestic in Madison and Stoughton Opera House and  symphony at Overture Hall -- all of which have required proof of vax and staff are very particular about the mask requirements and actually call people on it.  All other concerts I've had tickets to or discussed attending, severe weather had made it unsafe to go. Ice, deep snows, bitterly cold raw temps and wind chills, crazy winds.... Always occurring ONLY in the window of time I'd need to be driving.... And sometimes, especially for shows at venues more lax about covid protocols, weather gods literally won't even let me leave my garage even when the concert is in town.... Once the county mask mandate ends at start of the month, I wonder if there will be even more freak anomalous weather events until the ba.2 numbers and high levels of reinfections overwhelming ICUS force the resumption of indoor mask mandates.  

(If you've been reading anything at all about ba.2 or paying attention to ICU/ER stats in the US, then you realize JUST how idiotic the repeal of mask mandates are....but it's getting too close to election cycle for 2022 midterms and that's affecting public policy more than the actual data analysis.... Which is realpolitik but asinine to play "fuck around and find out" with a known airborne pathogen that causes known cardiac and neurological disability for up to a year in even mild/asymptomatic vaccinated patients right when a variant that is 40 times as infectious as the already more infectious omicron AND evades s protein pcr tests due to one of it's mutations creating massive numbers of false negatives AND can reinfect people within a month of their last infection and sometimes sends reinfected vaxxed previously healthy individuals to the ICU if the reinfections before the lungs/heart heal doesn't outright kill them.... But hey, I'm not an elected politician this life trying to make sure I can hold onto power in the next election cycle. So let them remove masks and die if that's what the most vocal "over covid" crowd demand.... This has happened at 1.5-2 years into EVERY plague throughout EVERY era that people decide they're over constant precautions against the virus even when there's high mortality rates and since the virus doesn't give a fuck when host species are "over it" it causes it to spread faster and increases mortality to levels not previously seen with that given plague. Happens in literally EVERY plague, ever. And humans are too stupid to learn from history that when mitigation precautions are working, you need to celebrate by continuing them until there's low to none community spread of a virus.... Like, it's not hard and it's not that much to ask people to wear masks when they're in indoor places that aren't their own personal home or vehicle or briefly remove it while eating/drinking then replace the mask. If it were hot humid summer, I get the misery of it outside or anywhere not air conditioned. But it's wintertime still. So it's really not that miserable and if you find one style uncomfortable, try another style/size/brand. It's just not that hard and the realpolitik of election year decision making is going to be measured in irreplaceable lives lost....) 

Anyway. In conclusion: blue hour between fresh snow and a waning gibbous is gorgeous, climate change has made weather chaotic extreme AF, and humans are still stupid. And now the sun is up and golden and gorgeous! And I should probably breakfast and coffee relatively soon. I think I can get one more steep from this tea though so I'll make breakfast and coffee after that. (Planning to head into work this afternoon and tonight. I need to get about 12 more hours in and all my plants need watering and I'd like to watch yesterday's pairs short before tonight's pairs free skate and then the gala. Olympics are pretty much over, sadly...)

 My cat isn't always that insistent and needy that he lays on me until I give up my plans to go out -- but he always gets that way when the weather outside is genuinely treacherously bad driving conditions. Which is rather funny given he's been an indoor only cat his entire life and doesn't have any sort of access to forecasts and has never experienced walking on ice and his only knowledge of snow and mud is when it's clumped on the dog or me and shed on the rug by the front door where we remove shoes and wipe feet. And once the walks and roads were cleared, Spock was completely over us and went to sleep under my bed waiting for me to just leave him.  And yet, last night this was him when I was in the kitchen steeping tea and silently texting with my friend I was intending to meet at the Talisk show:

Just me thinking about how I had been intending to go and feeling bad if nobody showed up for the guys put my cat in defensive protective guardian "you shall not pass" mode.  And his hair and back didn't settle back down until I laughingly told him that I had no intention of going anywhere last night unless the dog needed out again and he saw me sit in my reading chair start reading. After he had calmed down relaxed, he moved to sleep on my coat so I couldn't leave without disturbing him.

It's funny because my dog is a high level empath and projector of everything she feels, but I'm pretty sure my cat sees contingent precogs and potential fatelines then does his feline best to make sure the worst ones can't happen. This isn't the first time he's behaved this way to stop me from making potentially dangerous/fatal life choices.  He's drawn blood to keep me from leaving out the front door when the weather's been particularly dicey. 

And then once the parking lot and roads had been cleared this morning, he literally disappeared under my bed wanted nothing more to do with me all day. He literally couldn't wait for us to leave, not even interested in any food I was eating or treats for the dog -- just wanted to make sure I gave him fresh food and water and cleaned his box then once more urged me to gtfo. 

O and books! I did promise I'd share about the latest batch of books purchased!!!before we start, I need to say that I had the hardest time getting pictures of this new batch without the animals in the pictures and in the way, lol. So if you see them in the corners of the frames, just know that was the best I could do this time.  Audrey was SUPER into the poetry books (especially the Seamus heaney text. The cat was super into The Penguin Book of Witches (a collection of witch trials and Medieval daemonologie texts to recognize witches) and the Louisa Morgan fictional books about witches (I had bought the most recent in Edmonds WA back in December and then discovered it's the third in a fictional world within a multi-generational family of witches and there's a new one coming out soon. I'll buy the newest one once it's available in paperback -- I dislike mis-matched editions if I can avoid it.... ) Now, what's funny about those being the ones the cat was most interested in is that Spock gets OBSESSED with specific books, will knock them off shelves to curl up on them -- but ALL his favorites have been about witches and/or occult: my other books on European and Salem witch trials, my multi-language copy Hieroglyphic symbols, transliterated hieroglyphics, English translation) of The Egyptian Book of the Dead, certain fairy tale books, and specific fictional works about/with witches in them. And those are the ONLY books that he regularly is interested in. Which is why his interest int he two Louisa Morgan books made me laugh.

See what I mean about the dog's fascination with the Irish poet book? She's actually still sniffing it touching it with her nose in that top picture, it's why the left corner is just out of frame, lol. The only way to get her out of the frame was after I took subset pictures I set the poetry books near her and let her use them as a pillow.

Nonfiction: 

These are fairly self-explanatory. I mentioned the Penguin Book of Witches above -- I also have a couple others like The Penguin Book of Mermaids and The Penguin Book of Dragons but those are primary texts about the myths/traditions whereas this is primary documents surrounding witchcraft trials and how to "recognize" a witch I have the later selected Seamus Heaney poems, but not the earlier. the book of Love Poetry is selections and some are poems I don't have in other volumes. The Last Duel is about the last judicial duel in France (where innocence versus guilt is shown by G-d based on the outcome of a duel.) It's a fascinating bit of French history I actually don't know this story and moment in French history. (I wasn't having a lifetime in France at that epoch. I was in the woodland tribes in North America.)

Sci-fi/YA: 

I have a couple other Jemisin series, but this one is new to me. And I was very excited to find Winterkeep on the BookTok table because I didn't think it was out yet -- I thought it was coming out in hardcover in March.... The lady at the counter was very excited too when I bought it because like me she's read the other three from before the cover art change, but didn't herself know this one was out. She told me that as soon as she finished with me she was going to get someone to cover her register while she grabbed her own copy or have someone fetch it to her if need be.

Fiction: 

So those are the books I bought on Tuesday.

I already read and finished Britt-Marie Was Here last night and enjoyed it a lot -- it's the followup of his other book My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry which I read last week. He's a rather new to me favorite contemporary author (Murakami is an old favorite of mine, Japanese magical surrealism) who I only discovered a month or so ago after reading A Man Called Ove for WB3 book club.  Backman is a more whimsical Scandinavian John Green and he manages to make you learn to love the most curmudgeonly on the surface unlovable characters and come to understand why their quirks are the way they are.  And I always love an author who helps teach empathy by inversion, turning upside down your initial perceptions and reminding you not to judge by surface appearances and behavior patterns.   I think that's an important reminder for people and it's something that Backman excels at writing through his novels.

O and Happy Pisces season!!

 All the rain From earlier today turned to  black ice so leaving my underground garage was rendered  impossible this evening without tire chains, thus I did not make it to the Talisk show at Bur Oak on the other side of town..... Also my cat was an absolute pest insisting on laying on me so I couldn't leave it go anywhere from like 6pm on.  Even if I moved him he came right back and sprawled on my feet.  Then he was laying on my coat guarding it and would swipe at me if I came too near and then finally while making tea he curled up in front of the door so I couldn't even open the door without his approval. Spock was adamant I stay home tonight.

And having just taken Audrey Pupburn outside to take care of her doggy needs, even just crossing the parking lot and walking the sidewalk and to the dumpsters was n'a adventure.   Pretty much every step was the "wet pavement or black ice?" game and sometimes the pavement that looked dry was actually the most slippery clear black ice.... Very happy not to be driving on it!!! I do hope some people, especially those on the east side of town, went to the Talisk show though. This is the first they've been able to come back to your stateside and they lost a LOT of money in the middle of Celtic band season when everything shut down March 2020.... and shows without much of an audience are hard on musicians.... so I do hope some people made it even if I couldn't make it because the driveway out of my garage too steep and covered in black ice for me to drive anywhere until it's dealt with in the morning....

Staying at home not going anywhere then because I can't get my car out of the garage (and the roads likely aren't too safe either except main ones and bus routes they have heavily salted) until the ice is dealt with is the entire plan for tonight. So if you're looking for me, that's where I am. At home with my dog and my cat and my books and my tea and my candles and some Chopin music.

You'll remember me, when the west wind moves, Upon the fields of barley. You'll forget the sun, in his jealous sky, As we walk in fields of gold. So she took her love, For to gaze a while, Upon the fields of barley. In his arms she fell, as her hair came down, Among the fields of gold. Will you stay with me? Will you be my love? Upon the fields of barley. We'll forget the sun, in his jealous sky, As we lie in fields of gold. See the west wind move like a lover soul, Upon the fields of barley. Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth, Among the fields of gold. I never made promises lightly. And there have been some that I've broken. But I swear in the days still left, We'll walk in fields of gold. We'll walk in fields of gold

 Well I never said that I LIKE feeling that there's no welcome for me in his passion project or place for me in his life due to the band he has built his life around - I've said that I've been fighting myself and my desires since October 28, 2018 to accept the choices that created the scenario where I'm excluded from everything he's built his life around and in August 2019 I accepted the defeat that he's okay with that reality of that system of inequality created/upheld in his band's name so the best thing I can do for his sake is to let him go, free him from me. I've hated every moment of it, I'm exhausted from fighting myself, to make me not fight for what I want but instead to accept his free will choices he made in August 2019 when I last ditch effort responded to his posts about going live on the band account and he gaslit ignored it just like when I had reached out to the band numerous times in every possible avenue of communication about it after they went indie and no longer had any external management controlling them and their choices.  His indifference and failure to respond was the nail in the coffin led to me accepting that this path was his chosen course.... *shrugs* I still think it's important for me to learn from him what he truly wants, but I have no illusions or expectations that I may ever know that... I gave up hope that he might want what I want back in August 2019 - that's why I treated the Minneapolis show in Nov 2019 as my farewell to him/them and releasing could have been and should have been that had been destroyed in the choices made the year before... And when you're an eternal optimist and a hopeful romantic, it's really fucking hard to make yourself give up hope on something you've wanted for so fucking long because you have to respect the free will choices of other people and can't make their choices for them.... Don't mistake my acceptance of his choices and the choices made in the name of the band for a lack of emotions, lack of anger, lack of sorrow..... It fucking sucks and sometimes it's a fucking tsunami of strong emotions and I feel like I'm going to drown in them -- but those emotions don't give me any right to ignore the free will choices other people make for their own lives paths. I'm only free to make my choices, for my life path - and while I can choose to share that path with anyone I choose who chooses me, I also need to accept when other people choose not me, choose paths without me in their future. Which is what happened in this dynamic in October 2018 and again in August 2019.... It hurts, it's never really stopped hurting under that accepting that their choices are theirs to make not mine for them.  Sometimes the only way I don't drown in the feelings about it Is by reminding myself that there will be other lives when he will be free of these attachments and he may choose me again and that I know how to survive lifetimes where our paths never cross or don't cross until too late -- I've recently had centuries of practicing that. Granted, they've mostly all been short lives across those centuries and I've made some questionable choices with my self-sacrificing martyrdom for a cause streak.... But I'm still not allowed back to France or Greece yet, so there are limits on what I'd die defending this life.  

So anyway. I may hate it passionately, but I'll not disrespect his choices for his life path even if I'm disappointed that he doesn't want the future where we choose our shared life path together for this lifetime. But that's his choice, y'know? I'll keep choosing for me the life path that is most true to my ethics and desires and to serve my primary goal of making healthier and brighter for my touch upon it all that enters my life for whatever time remains for me in this life wherever that wandering leads me. And in my wandering, there will be a part of me that will continue to wait until he ever chooses to let me know what it is he truly wants for himself, in his own time and way. I won't be holding my breath for expecting it, but a part of me will always be waiting ready to hear it whenever he figures it out and chooses to share that. But I'll not force on him anything that isn't made by his own choices....

So I will read and write and sketch and paint and listen to music and raise puppies and kittens and gardens and indoor plants and befriend birds and wild animals and hug all the darling old trees I can find and love every sunrise and sunset for being unique in eternity and dance in the rain and laugh in the snow and climb mountains just for the view and travel to wherever I find a great deal and visit those I love and who have chosen me as a teacher/healer and to help nurture and raise all the little munchkins who enter my life and to weave energy and light into the magical existence I know as my reality this life. And that is how I have constructed my life path and how I will continue to construct my path's wandering way as a hand of Ma'am incarnated if this life's path no longer has a tells of finding him and choosing a shared life path with him..... 

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Earlier today my little bear luck dragon was in full on Oliver mode this morning 😆 Straight up begging I eat something she could scrounge in the kitchen while I was making tea and then licking her empty food bowl then giving me the side eye,  "Please miss, may I have some more?" 

"Naw but really, my bowl, it's still empty.... "

Made me laugh so hard. And my Pisces pup is nearly 15 years old - she may have an inner lab/golden retriever that's always food motivated but my current feeding policy with her is if she's hungry wants kibble then damnit she gets kibble! She's gotten bony and has old dog non-cancerous fatty lumps we watch and I don't know how much longer I'll have to spoil her as my puppy child (when she was an actual puppy, I started saying she'd live to be a spry happy 21.5 years old. That seemed much further away when she was not yet 15 weeks old than it does now she's not quite 15 years old; I'mma bawl and be an absolute emotional wreck whenever she does. Especially if I can't keep my promise to her that if or when I have kids she can come back in her next life as my son....) So if Audrey Pupburn wants more kibble desperately enough to luck at her empty bowl, I'm gonna laugh at her antics and refill her bowl.

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I went to return the book of Chinese Myths and Legends I already owned in a less pretty edition. Kinda sorta left with another armload of books and spent more than on my last visit to Barnes & Noble. (Still under $200 though.) Whoops. Sorry not sorry. I'm single with only fur baby dependents and if I want to budget my paychecks heavier on books and albums rather than food, that's prerogative hurts nobody but me.  Some girls buy makeup and designer clothes, I buy books and concert tickets. My life path, my choices. And I choose my books! 

I'll in bag them to take/upload pics tomorrow. If I remember before the Talisk gig over at Bur Oak. Talisk is a three man Scottish band, all trad instruments but wicked fast!!! And Mohson is the first head banging concertina player I've ever met 😂  (They used to have a female fiddle player, but she got a real job and got married planning to have a kiddo because pandemic, so they have a new fiddler I haven't met yet.) I adore them, as humans and as musicians, though I caenna ken nary a wee waird Mihsn bin sayn whan hays ben a tippling. 

I'm very excited they're back in Madison tomorrow (Weds) night and Milwaukee on Friday night!!!!! I intend to catch them at both gigs and catch up on Friday night figure skating and snowboarding on Saturday replays while getting hours in at work!!! Next week though, there's no claims on my time other than fitting my hours in somewhen and watering my work plants! No Olympics, no concerts, no grandma appointments - nothing but planetary transits and shooting stars in my calendar and lots of snow in my forecast! (Unless the forecasts shift.... Gonna be nearly 50 and raining today (Weds) which is perfect weather for welcoming my favorite Glasgow lads, but my heart hurts it's still February and it's too warm for it to be proper snow.....

Anyway. New book buying later. Next post. After I go get some sleeps. It's late enough (early enough?) I may just wait til after sunrise at 7ish, but I should sleep. I'm overdue for some sleep. 

[Post Title: Lyrics from the song Fields of Gold by Sting. Heard it on the radio as I drove home from watching Olympics and skating with my maman after dinner with my parents. The song is stuck in my head now, but sung in Eric's vocal timbre. Which is curious as never in my life have I heard him sing this song - but my memory for all things set to melodies I hear knows his voice well enough to play it in my head singing amy song I know if it's in the range of vocals I've heard him sing. There's only a handful of voices my brain remembers well enough the colors and shades of their timbre and how they emote in song to do that. His voice is one of them. I often get songs sung in his voice stuck in my head, sometimes songs I've never heard before with my ears will song inside my head and echo iny inner spaces sung in his voice. That's another just Eric thing - mostly my inner space is me and my own stillest point of inner tranquil serenity and sometimes angels and old deities. And the emotions and energy and waves of Eric's soul and sometimes the echoes of his voice singing there in my meditative stillness. As I've said with the bond, he's always been there in my inner stillness and in my dream space - same as he can always find me if he follows the inner pull. Anyway. After hearing the Sting song Fields of Gold on the radio, my brain decided to ear worm me with Eric's voice covering Fields of Gold inside my head.  *shrugs* subconscious gonna do what subconscious does. And that's what mine is doing right now, lol.]

O, I mean, that's just how it is now with the band as far as I'm concerned. I don't have any options of anything I can do to change the choices other people have made and it seems pointless to try to communicate about it to try to change things because they simply won't respond if I reach out although when their fans victim blame about it they will like the victim blaming comments but crickets about the issue or events themselves. I mean, I've accepted that's the sort of defensive exclusionary ethics that they as a collective stand for and believe in and allow to be acted upon in their name. I have accepted that that is the version of themselves, as individuals and as a collective that they choose to be and that nothing I can do will alter that as long as those are the choices they make. And I won't believe any claims about ANY of them to the contrary unless and until they acknowledge and address the wrongs they have been engaged in in the past that create the wrongs of the present. It's a very simple litmus of practicing the ethics of inclusion and equity that you preach and they, as a collective failed and continue to fail EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY that they as a collective stand behind what was done in the name of the entire band. It reflects negatively on everything they create and every claim they make about who they are and what they stand for as a collective. 

And none of that is a reflection on me or my ethics since the only thing I have ever attempted to do throughout any of the interactions is to speak my honest truth which happened to be a truth that neither Liz nor Britt wanted to hear and so they got reactionary and defensive as individuals and in the name of the entire band -- and nobody in the band was willing to confront the fact when it was brought up so they allowed the doubling down on the defensiveness by refusing to even respond or acknowledge bringing up what happened. And I can't make free will choices for other people -- I can only accept the choices they make and take them at the reality of their actions/choices they have made and/or continue to make. Their free will choices/actions are about them, not about me. It's not on me to keep offering them opportunities if I've tried 3 or more times and they've refused to take the opportunities and instead remained silent while allowing/encouraging their followers to attack me for being honest about a truth they don't want to hear would prefer remained hidden.

This is the place of acceptance and equanimity about who they TRULY are as reflected by their ACTIONS and what they allow to be done in the name of the entire band which I have fought to reach since August 2019 when there was no longer a management to scapegoat only their own choices and decisions and responsibility for their actions. It is the most just and fair conclusion I can reach in light of their continued choices/actions across numerous opportunities to choose what is in best alignment with their ethics. It's why the band as a collective is dead and meaningless to me since they chose to stand by gaslighting the past actions committed in their name and nothing they create while this stain is on their ethics will reach me. The individuals who were not involved in creating and maintaining this system of inequality and cruelty have value to me in whatever they do individually outside of the collective -- but as a collective nothing they do can appeal to me while they stand in a state of denial over their past/present choices and actions.  All I will see whenever I see or hear anything from the collective is this great wrong that has been done and is allowed to continue in the name of the collective.  

If this isn't the version of themselves they want to be, it's on them to change and to clean up what they broke. In 2018 and 2019 I approached them via email (multiple times), facebook (both publicly and via dm), Twitter (both publicly and via dm, to band account and in response to personal tweets), and Instagram (via dm to band member personal accounts when they posted to their stories about going live on the band account) and I received no response or acknowledgement from anyone in the band or representing the band. I did receive both comment responses and really awful nasty dms from their fans in response to my public comments, but nothing at all from the band or any representative of them. I genuinely don't know what else I could have done other than bringing it up to Ian, Grant and Mike to offer each of them an opportunity to acknowledge and address it as well -- even though none of them are/were involved with any of the band social media accounts nor were they ever posting on them or going live on them at the time that I ceased following everyone in 2020.  I have left my facebook follow (though no longer always show in news feed) and my email list subscriptions and my Kickstarter to keep open limited lines of communication in case they ever choose to address and fix what they broke and have allowed to be done in the band's name.  But I won't seek them out or reach out to them, I'm done trying to heal what they refuse to even acknowledge and I'm willing to accept the choices/actions committed in the band's name to be their authentic selves and all that I will see/hear whenever the band or anything related to them crosses my path.  If they want to be judged differently, they must make their free will choices that deserve a different judgement than their past/present ones have merited. It's for them to fix in the name of their collective if they choose -- but I AM honest to every single person whenever Delta Rae is brought up about what occurred and the band's choices in how they responded or failed to respond at every opportunity along the way.  It doesn't matter how many people praise them, this will still be true about who they are and the versions of themselves they have chosen to be across a long period of time. Anyone can get angry and impulsive reactionary in a moment and that speaks only of their temper -- but doubling down defensiveness and gaslighting refusal to even acknowledge it even when offered multiple olive branches and opportunities to make things right speaks of faulty ethics and misplaced pride that "you can never do wrong" even when you very clearly DID act in the wrong. 

I think so much less of them as a result of these choices and actions. Not the initial reactionary because like I said anyone can be emotional lose their temper and act wrongly then later acknowledge it and make things right -- we all misbehave when emotional in ways we wouldn't if we were in control of ourselves. But I do think less of them for the conscious repeated decisions not to face the past, not to fix this, not to make right the inequities of the past -- that's the choice of over-inflated pride and ego and a narcissist who refuses to admit they could have ever been at fault or done something wrong EVEN WHEN it's clear they did something hurtful and with consequences to another. Gaslighting someone who brings up a wrong done in your name in the past shows you're a narcissist, it doesn't show that you are/were infallible or in the right. Allowing your followers to attack someone for being honest about their own experiences and showing approval when they do victim blame just shows how morally bankrupt and lacking in empathy you are, it doesn't show you were ever in the right at any point in your behaviors. So since 2019, I no longer can respect them as humans, I do not consider their actions reflective of the ethics they have CLAIMED to stand for as a band which I once admired. They have shown their true colors in their choices and actions as a collective. And if your actions make it so I can't respect you as a human, I cannot enjoy any art you create as an artist. Everything you touch becomes polluted to me by your ethical choices. Same as it would be for anyone. Nothing you create or achieve will ever again receive admiration or produce delight in me once you are known to have chosen acts of cruelty and upholding systems of inequality as your way of "making it" in the world  -- not so long as you stand by those choices and actions and refuse to apologize or make amends. I'd feel the same way if I saw this had been done to anyone else and there was failure to acknowledge or make right the wrongs of the past. It's not about it being done to me, it's about it being done at all.

I'm not saying that this equanimity and acceptance of their choices/actions as to who they as a collective are is set in stone can never be altered -- I'm saying that I accept their actions as their free will choices and will form my opinions accordingly. I'm also saying that I'm tired of trying to at least air this out and getting no response from them while also getting attacked by their followers and so I'm done reaching out and being the one to try. If they want something difference then indifference and looking at them thinking that they are the sort of people who are okay with acts of intentional cruelty and gaslighting all attempts at honest communication, then it's for them to figure out how to fix what they broke. I'm always open to new information and changed choices and learning from one's past self to be better moving forward -- but they've burned through all of their benefit of the doubt and attempts to clear their name from my end. Their past choices and actions stand as their values until such time as they do something to prove growth instead of ego-driven pride "I can get away with this" behavior patterns.

Similarly, as a result of the doping scandal surrounding Kamila Valieva -- no matter what performance she lays down, the fact she tested positive for a performance enhancing banned substance in December and wasn't immediately disqualified and removed from the Olympics competition and her performances in the team competition removed from the team scores (and thus moving ROC from 1st down to a lower placement by being put in last place receiving 0 for both ladies short and ladies long) means that nothing she skates will impress me or move me and all I'll see when I look at her is the neon sign, "Cheater. Fucking cheater." no matter how smug her and her coach and her entire team feel about having gotten away with what they knew (or should have known) to be wrong.  This is how I have felt since it was announced she had failed a drug test prior to the Olympics and my reaction was, "So why the fuck is she even there?!" She's a competitive athlete, there's no way she "accidentally" contaminates her blood with her grandfather's medications. That's a transparently fucking bullshit defense.... Competitive elite athlete means you know know what's approved for you and stick to only that list; she knows that a fucking poppy seed bagel could compromise her from competition and that she needs to be cautious about cold medicines and topical creams and multivitamins -- she has known that since she first entered novice/juniors competition and so she's not naive as a 15 year old minor. if she's too young to know that it's wrong and cheating to accept performance enhancing drugs under the peer pressure of coaches/parents/whoever provided it to her, then she's too young and naive to be competing at international levels against the best of the best. Period. And that means NO jump she lands, NO performance she skates, NO beauty in her performance means anything other than "cheater. You have stolen the spot of people who followed the rules and worked hard did their damnedest. because you cheated. You knowingly cheated." 

For me, it's as black and white in ethics as "did you knowingly choose to do wrong? When that wrong was brought to your attention did you acknowledge it or did you deny it because you think you can get away with it? Once you knew, did you try to make things right to those you wronged by your past choices and have you chosen to be better from here moving forward?"  There's no subjectivism or moral relativism or rationalizing in which the moral cowardice of knowingly doing wrong and refusing to acknowledge it or make restitution to those you wronged is acceptable. There are a very small handful of outliers where you compromise ethics in the moment to survive or to protect an innocent but if you're not living in fucking Sophie's Choice or have a gun against your head or immediate physcial harm to someone, there's no room for moral relativism or rationalizing behaviors you know to be wrong and are acts of intentional cruelty to hurt others. there's only ego, pride, narcissism and thinking you can get away with it. None of which can redeem ANYTHING you do or achieve excellence in what you do while guilty of actions based on that sort of ethical rationalizing. 

"Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood / Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather / The multitudinous seas incarnadine, / Making the green one red"~Shakespeare, Macbeth, 2.2.61

Nothing will wash away the pollution of knowingly doing wrong and trying to cover it up. Only acknowledging it and making atonement for it can ever cleanse away the pollution created by our bad ethical choices and actions of the past. The ancients knew it, Shakespeare knew it. Everyone except the narcissist who thinks they can hide their sins or get away with it doesn't recognize the truth about pollution for our choices/actions when we knowingly do wrong and persist in it. And trying to hide and bury wrongs you've done won't clear you of their pollution staining you and everything you touch.

It's why Eric reaching for me along the bond while he's doing ANYTHING with the collective Delta Rae is him transferring their collective pollution to me and I'd rather not have to keep cleansing it off me. And it's why me responding to him while he is involved with anything to do with the collective of Delta Rae would be me knowingly creating more pollution by me willingly crossing an ostrakion created and maintained by their collective free will choices/actions.

Don't expect any flexibility from me on this. There's only ethics and accountability and bringing hidden things to light or there's ego-driven narcissism and denial and trying to get away with doing wrongs to others. It's that simple to me -- your choices and actions determine which side of that you land on. Your followup choices/actions determine whether you deserve forgiveness and a redemption arc once you learn why your past choices/actions were unethical and cruel and caused harm to others.

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In happier news, look at the postcard that came in today for me!!!!

My maman said that hers had a much more comprehensible message (since my sister wrote it about brats and cheese and bad puns making them miss the Sconnies they love) and I smiled told her, "O no. The message on mine is incredibly clear -- Monroe loves me and misses me and wanted to write my postcard herself." (Jack is 6, Monroe is 3.) My sister's tiny postscript in the lower corner is also incredibly her, lol.   My mum was impressed at my sister's perfect timing that they arrived today and this was my sister's response:

Which made me laugh really hard.  Since high school, several of my friends (the same ones who nicknamed me Nostradanimus) coined from Gandalf's claim the truth that, " A Dani always arrives precisely when she's meant to." And now we know the truth that a Miche uses dark magic to arrive at exactly the perfect time she's expected. It is known.  (My sister does not have ADHD or time management issues and rarely exists in flow at all. She's very Type A, OCD, and a Virgo who admires efficiency and optimization. We tend to function by me adapting to whatever her schedule is and making known my own opinions if I disagree or take issue with things and that my silence means I'm cool with her plan as it's been told to me. And she knows to tell me things so I have enough time to prepare for them and/or when I'm able to deal with them right away because otherwise I'll have to sit clock watching until I can do something about it or I'll completely lose track of the post its until long after it needed to be done. But also, as adults we understand how incredibly different we are from each other at the fundamental ways we engage with existence but that doesn't mean we don't love and care in our own ways. It's why she knew I would understand and appreciate Monroe's message of love on my postcard in a way that my mom's logic-oriented brain wouldn't see beyond the meaningless scribbles.) 

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Dang but these men's big air finals are sick!!! Gotta go focus on them! Because day-umn these tricks they be laying down!!!!!