Some contemplations as the new year approaches

 I have told you many times now, but I will say it once more to remind you of this truth in my nature -- both as a warning and a promise. 

As long as he is on the life path to have the happiness he chooses for himself, I accept his choices as his own and I will be happy for his success in acquiring whatever he sets his heart/mind/ego on having for himself. Even if they are choices that remove me from his options along his life path. He is free to choose that. And no matter how much I have desired and have hoped that this could be a life of reunion, we have had many lifetimes before without that. I know how to stoic through continued separation. I don't have to like it, but I know how to keep going through the choices that necessitate it. Reunion in this life or not, our souls will always yearn and reach for the other -- if he chooses for himself or allows anyone else's choices to proscribe me from his life path, then it's just another life of unending yearning that's never to be fulfilled. We've both felt that and survived it and built our lives around other things in past lives - I won't fight his free will choices if that's the life path he chooses for himself this life.

Don't expect me to fight for you against your own choices or the choices you allow others to make for you or in your name. I won't. Free will is sacrosanct. If you make choices, or allow choices to be made for you, that strip me out of your life and your life path I will accept it and follow my own life path however far from you it takes me. Because I will respect every single god damn choice in free will you make. I may not like it, but I will respect it. Because free will is sacrosanct -- it is the only source of meaning in anything any soul may do. 

There's a line in The Princess Bride (my favorite movie since I was a small child) that says, "Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while." And that has always resonated deeply and intensely with me. Because that's how I feel about death, ego, anger, karmic choices -- anything that leads down difficult life paths and lifetimes of healing to fix and get it right. Nothing ever stops true love, all it can do is delay it.

So go ahead and make whatever choices your free will makes, follow anyone else's choices for you instead of making your own paths. I won't fight you and I won't fight for you if that's what you choose. I'll let you wander those life paths you chose (and inaction is also a choice) in faith that somehow at some point your life path will lead back to me somewhere down the line of my own life path. I can't say how or when or what lifetime it will happen - but by the karmic laws I know that it will. Eventually. However long delayed it is. 

And sometimes that faith in letting go to love with an open hand and trust that free will choices will take a person wherever they need to go is all the faith you can hold onto. 

So don't ever expect to find me where you left me. And don't ever expect that if you make choices that strip me out of your life and options by bad faith ethics or betrayals, that the old ways of reaching me will ever work for you again without repairing what was broken. But you can expect that somehow at some point you'll find me again whenever you're actually ready by your free will choices to seek me out and find me. 

If there's one thing I have learned across these centuries and this life living with ADHD, it's that time will pass if you let yourself find any really good distractions. And as time passes, new information is acquired, new lessons are learned, and free will choices shift.

I'm not very good at patience or clock watching - but I am extraordinarily good at distracting myself and getting lost in the flow of time passing.  So choose whatever life path appeals to your free will - and don't bother your pretty little head about how I distract myself when I can't see you while your life path doesn't touch mine. And I make no promises as to what you will have lost and missed that you can never have back for choosing the long way back to me -- just as I can't promise you exactly who or what version of my soul I will be when you finally find me again. I only promise you that if it matters to you, no matter what other choices you make or how far away they lead you, eventually your lives path will lead you back to mine. Eventually. 

Choose the life path that is true to your own heart's call and your own ethics and it will always lead you back to me. Eventually. Even if you make mistakes in choices and here bad advice that force you to take the long way around. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone compounds them by repeating them until they find the inner strength to acknowledge them and face them to make them right. It happens to all souls. Still, eventually it will lead you back to me. If not in this lifetime, than in some other lifetime. 

P. S. I stayed home tonight. Me by myself in a black and silvery sparkle sweater, my dog, my cat, my books, some candles, Debussy piano and strings melodies, and a bottle of French Crémant de Bourgogne brut. That's how I am ringing in the new year. 

See? 

At least until the Taurus of this household demanded attention and affection right meow, mid selfie. 😂 

Cat gonna cat. 😂

 So among the many reasons for me going to visit my sister when I did (the only "safe" window I foresaw since my last visit, me missing them all, knowing my sister was pregnant again without her telling me or anyone else, my grandma being settled after her move, etc) there was also the fact that I had a ridiculous amount of ptso time to use up. But then, out of years of habit to maximize my ptso time while still running all over the place for concerts and to visit family/friends, I decided to do my typical "get 40 hours in the front of the week before I leave, get 40 hours in end of the week upon my return" so of the 10 days I was gone, I only use 5 of my ptso days. Which I realized on Sunday while working (I got 17 hours in on Sunday.) I asked my maman about it on Tuesday and she double checked. I have 12 more ptso days and 9 of them are use or lose by Jan 16. Which means that since I need to water my work plants and on Friday afternoon/evening do the last deposit for December, I can now only use up 2 maybe 2.5 ptso days this week. Which means 6.5-7 days of ptso to use in the next two weeks. I could literally just run off somewhere again not worry about it. Also I have a ptso day for New Year's Day which mom said she's just going to have people take later in January since it's a Saturday this year.

Whoops. So I haven't been working this week. Most likely, I will split it across the two weeks and get some small number of hours in (like 8-12 hrs, 1-1.5 days) to water plants and make sure that I scan and link in the databases and file anything time sensitive like tech sheets and contracts to make things easier for others. And then third week of January I'll go back to my normal set my own schedule way of getting my 40hours per week in.

Not entirely certain what I'll do with my enforced free time.... Probably take the dog on long walks, stay inside, drink tea, read books, have a fire in the hearth, drink some whiskey and/or wine, write, maybe sketch. On verra. 

Unless anyone has a better idea for how I should spend the next few weeks.

P. S. I'm not actually massively overweight or anything, just more out of shape than I like being so I have softer curves at my waist/hips. This is literally the difference between my chin at normal height, my chin lowered to give me as many china as possible, and me lifting my chin just a fraction.

It's not a serious amount of anything - just angles and vanity and guilt I've been less active than my normal. 

Also, the other night I was trying to get pictures of my side pudge to explain that, and Spock got annoyed at my self pity negative body talk and hopped up by my head, told me staright out, "That's enough of that young lady!" then lay across my stomach refusing to move until I set the phone aside and stopped thinking mean thoughts at myself. 

It made me laugh really hard.  Every bout of body dysmorphia should end with a cat telling you that he's had all the self loathing he can take for one evening. 😂 

Also, as I said before, it's really not that bad. Just a lack of tone and definition which I could fix if I just made up my mind to it. This is me making my stomach as large as possible followed by my normal stomach. 

Like I said. Vanity. Just vanity. 

P S. Yesterday morning I took Mikaela to the zoo and we frolicked with the winter loving animals. Especially the polar bears!!! We spent probably an hour with Borealis and Berit -- Bo is the cutest puppy bear ever!!!! He's the only animal in the entire Madison area who was happier about the snow than me, lol. Then I took Mikaela back to work and as the roads were sloppy, work ordered pizza for everyone. And I stayed and drank tea and beer and hung out listening to music and reading books until the roads were clear of snow and traffic for me to safely head home. 

I did buy myself a 32" new stuffed bear at the zoo though!!! He's longer than my torso and just the most huggable ever!!!!!  I've named him Beau Bo Bear, in honor of Borealis, lol.

Beau Bo is a good snuggle bear while reading!!

 O I realize my snow giddies are spectacularly sparkly. Sparkly enough that friends/family who are empath receivers can physically FEEL the sudden intensity of my joy even when they live hundred of miles away in other time zones. Actually, my boyfriend during my senior year of high school told me once that he was jealous over how happy fresh snow makes me. I tilted my head to the side, raised an eyebrow and asked him quite seriously, "Would you like me to be less happy about the snow?" And he shook his head said, 'No. It's not that. It's just it makes you so much happier than you have ever been by anything I have ever done or given you and it's something that's just free weather. It's not something I can buy or gift you, it just IS. I just wish I made you as happy as the falling snow or the stars or a sunset or dancing in the rain makes you." I didn't have the heart to tell him that it wasn't his fault he couldn't make me light up from the soul, I'd set my heart on someone I knew from dream space and past lives long before Ben ever met me. So i just stayed awkwardly silent because how do you tell someone who is more into you than you're into them that they're not the one who sets your soul alight?  He was a boyfriend but not a soul mate or my twin flame and not who I was/am looking for and I've never had any intention of settling for less than I set my heart on. I'd rather be alone than settle for anyone other than where my heart's lodestone is pointed. For me Ben was always temporary in my life, never going to be permanent. He made me happy enough, but that's not the same as making me happy. Good enough isn't the same as good. Ben's married now and has at least one kid -- he actually invited my parents and me to his weeding. My parents went, but I had a non-refundable ticket would be out of town and told him I couldn't make it before the official invites were even sent when he just had the save the date.

But I do realize that my snow giddies shine brighter joy than most people ever experience..let alone that sort of joy about, well, snow falling.  I would also say though, that if you think that's bright and full of  love warmth, you should see the way I shine joy when I make eye contact with Eric. If you've seen it, you know. Makes my snow giddies look like boredom/ennui. But also, I promise you that's a "just him" thing - but it's also an "every time I see him" thing. So making me shine from the soul even brighter than my snow giddies is a just him thing, but it's also an ALWAYS him thing. It just is. No amount of stoicism or upsetting choices or me building good logic on a bad premise can alter that truth. I'd be lying to myself and you if I tried to claim anything else. I know how brightly my soul lights up and I radiate love and joy whenever I look at Eric and how intense it shines and reflects between us when the two of us make eye contact. That's a truth about me I'll never deny. At no point past or present or future has my love for him and joy that his soul IS and the way I light up just getting to see him alive in any lifetime been in question. Other things have gotten in the way, but never has it been a lack of my desire for him or an absence of the way just the sight of him makes my soul light up like a thousand suns.

And now, for some more post playing in the snow but still watching the snow falling outside giddies from me wrapped up in my blanket like a cloak or Jedi robe, lol. Apologizing in advance for the low light and blurriness in the first bunch of them as I was sitting with the lgihts off and only the lights on my little tree and the garlands and the icicle lights and the reflectiveness of the snow providing any illumination on us. Also, my dog was cold and coveted my blanket cloak and decided after I sat down to sneak attack around me from behind and then after I started scritching her to move into the blanket and roll about snortling and licking my face and just being a silly happy puppy. Which is a brilliant moment but in low light selfies makes for soooo much blur of the joyousness, lol. 

After the snow stopped falling, we went back over to my desk (I'm working til sunrise because I'm waiting for the snow to melt as it wars up today -- needed to happen so Crissy could drive home safely from up north at her dad's house. But I'm pushing things around for more snow on Tuesday, already have plans with Mikaela to go to the zoo watch the polar bears and bison and tiger frolic in the snow, and even more on Friday night and all day Saturday to bring in the New Year!  I spent all of 2021 writing out 2022 then having to fix it, so bringing in 2022 with snow will be a blessing enough on the year in my eyes, lol)  So I wrapped myself back up tight inside my blanket cloak and then put the smaller fleece blanket on the ground near my desk but out of range of the chair rolling for Miss Audrey Pupburn then after she lay down on it, I tucked her in her to keep her snuggly so she wouldn't get chilled while she finished drying. She lay so adorable like that for HOURS. 

(And yes, I realize that I'm very out of shape -- I'm actually the most overweight and out of shape I've ever been this life. I've never had a double chin when I'm looking down this life. Pudge rolls especially while seated or leaning funny ways and untoned muscle jiggle, but never showing weight under my chin. Ridiculously long giraffe/swan neck and all. But I realize this about my body right now. and I know how it happened. Combination of things. Part of it is psychological -- if I can't have or be with Eric then who am I trying to impress and what is the point of bothering to be attractive if he won't see me? And the other part is that outside of weight training with friends, I actively loathe going to the gym or exercise as an ought to -- I'm very active when the thing itself brings me joy. So dance and yoga and martial arts and fencing (especially sabre and rapire/rapier and dagger -- though also broadword/hand and a half is fun but more tiring and not as well suited for my phenotype as sabre and rapier style) and hiking and canoeing/kayaking and rock climbing and ice skating outside and swimming and horse back riding and even badminton/volleyball/soccer/basketball for fun and such are a joy to me and so I don't even think about them as exercise. But dance and yoga I enjoy in communal exchange of energy settings in person and covid made that unsafe because airborne plague and then all my outdoorsy joys have also been ruined by covid because literally EVERY park and path in the entire fucking state (and most of the country) have been stupidly over-crowded and the paths not even safe because "outdoors" was deemed synonymous with "safe" as opposed to air flow and distancing meaning safe. So I take my dog on walks, but our hiking/rock climbing has been curtailed by how crowded all the parks are and have been since the pandemic started. Which means I'm the least fit and most jiggly untoned that I have ever been and I know it and don't particularly like it but haven't felt motivated to do anything about it because the things I would do for fun I can't do. So you can judge me for it if you're feeling judgemental, I still wear an extra small and a size 4 but also I just don't like the way a lot of things fit around my waist rolls right now but I know they're there, but I do realize it. And also I could fix it if I chose to. I should, but I haven't been motivated to do so thus far. Even though I'm starting to feel more than a little body dysmorphia riding up in me from all the years of dance. It's my own inertia, my own fault, and all it would take is me deciding to do something about it to fix it -- I just have been lacking motivation or temptation since the pandemic started.)

O, and in case you need a laugh, my maman told me she was happy seeing the snow (even though she personally hates cold and snow) because she KNEW I'd be makign snow angels and dancing and playing in it and then told me not to drink up all the peppermint schnapps and cocoa so this is how I responded to her:

P.S. Since having my most recent polar bear dream the other night, I have been seeing polar bears on EVERY single social media and in the most random places ever. Yes Universe, I hear you and your synchronicites very loud and very clear. (But I really don't mind being inundated with images of polar bears, because setting aside the polar bear vision dreams they have ALWAYS been one of my favorite wild animals because they're like big giant snow colored puppy dogs who could rip your face off if they get hungry or angry -- but mostly they're just giant snow colored puppers!  Ursids are most closely related to canines and so there's some science to that feeling of mine, lol. So ehrm, in conclusion, just in case I'm still not quite getting the point you should feel free to go ahead and keep barraging me with pictures and videos and images and dreams about polar bears. For science.)

 IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING!!!!! IT'S FINALLY SNOWING!!!!!!! IT'S!!! SNOWING!!!!!!!!!

Also, if you don't think my first reaction was to go stand outside and dance around giddy over it  grinning up at the sky and then make a choir of snow angels in the back alley lot behind work, then you really really don't know me particularly well.

Also though, I probably should have put on my winter coat and/or scarf and/or mittens. 😂 My jeans and sweater  are soaked and the small of my back when the shirt rode up so my skin was against the  snow while making snow angels is very very cold. But. ALSO! IT'S! SNOWING!!!!!!! And I'm rarely practical when I'm impulsive full of joy, lol.

O I'M SO FULL OF SNOW GIDDIES RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I genuinely thought I'd have to wait until next year to get any snow at all -- forecast said so until just the other night. As someone who grew up in Wisconsin and chooses to live where she should get 3-4 months of snow per year, my heart has been so heavy over the dearth of snow....

I'm gonna go make some hot cocoa now and sit by my holiday lights on the sales floor and grin at the snow and keep running back outside with my dog to jump and frolic in it, k? K!

IT'S!!!! SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. Also definitely went back outside (still no coat or gloves) to play her first game of snow fetch with the pup. 

No regrets on either of our parts!! Both of quite soaked to the skin from snow, but zero regrets about the life choices that got us here!!!

Biggest regret on this puppy's face is that she's warmed up enough she doesn't understand why we haven't gone back out to play more. 😂 Snow fetch is her absolute favorite game!!! Swim fetch is her second favorite! And then long walks in fresh falling snow til we're both soaked through and she has clumps of snow tangled in her feet and all along her legs, lol. (Pisces pup gonna Pisces, even when all the water is frozen, lol)

And the almost 14 year old Pisces pup REALLY wants to know why we aren't back outside yet for some more rounds of snow fetch.

See?  (With all the melted snow droplets on my glasses and steam from coming back in from the cold and my sweater being too soaked to wipe my glasses dry, seeing is rather prized with me atm) Also though, those are some very convincing puppy eyes and we have some more untrammeled snow to play in soooooooo.... BBS!

P. P. S. Have I put on my coat yet for any of the times we've gone out to play? Um. Er. Well..... 

Look, if there's snow giddies involved, it's on you to be the responsible one. It sure as Hell won't be me or my Pisces pup, lol. We're probably outside frolicking before you even have a chance to say "Snow boots-- fuck, they're already gone again!"  

At least I took the wet Packers jersey off little bear once we were really done playing (she pled hard for one last throw, but the wind is getting stronger and in wet clothes that's starting to get miserable even for us) so she wouldn't get too chilled while chewing out her snow clump snacks on her ankles. It's currently drying next to my  merino hat that started beading water drips down my back, lol