I could go back to following Eric.  There's really nothing stopping me. It's literally one tap on the screen for me to choose to let him reach me that way.  I know he's hurting and upset,  I hear it inside me every damn moment he's upset over it - and that's all the time he's not distracted.  Wanting to heal him hurting is always going to outweigh me being upset with him.  That doesn't apply to anyone else involved in this,  but it does to him.  I could forgive what he did so he'd stop hurting,  same as I chose to do in Chicago,  because I was at a point I couldn't stand his hurting any longer.  I could do that.

But what would be the point without anything done to fix the ethics issue of principle that broke it?  It's just going to break again down that same flaw if that's not fixed.

And that isn't fixed.  If anything, they've just been making it worse by once again only posting things exclusively to the band's instagram where fans are still blocked for having been honest they didn't like the country music. And yet the band is posting pictures there to that instagram account not on any other social media platform.

Nothing has changed.  The system of ostracism remains in place and it makes anyone who posts to the band instagram account or shares things posted there complicit in bullying those she has ostracized.

And what's the point of me letting Eric in again without anything fixed or healed? How many times do I let us break the same way before I decide no more?  I'm just going to have my buttons pushed the next time it happens over the injustice and the hypocrisy it makes of everything the band ever claimed to stand for regarding equality and treating people with basic respect.  And then Eric winds up hurting just the same when I get upset again over Brittany playing bullying headgames again with the band account and for myself,  as well as being disappointed in the band and whoever posted there once more, I'll be even more angry at myself for letting me be fooled into thinking they might be who/what they have spent a decade claiming to be rather than what their actions of the last year have shown them to be.

So what good would it do for me to respond in any way other than leaving at this point over Brittany's fuckup that she has defensively refused to let anyone acknowledge or even attempt to heal?

If it can't be good between Eric and me  because of the toxicity of Britt's defensiveness and ego, then I'd rather he and I both are hurt over me removing myself from his life options than this game of toxic rollercoaster of emotions whenever Brittany gets defensive needs to make her brother prove to her that he loves her.  The only way you end manipulative head games is refusing to play them.  And that's the point I'm at.  There is no "one more chance" for Eric without the confrontation of fixing what she broke and stopping the ego-driven bullying behaviors that the band account has been mixed up in for over a year now.  I'm done playing her manipulative defensive head games. and honestly, I'm angry at her for intentionally using her brother as a pawn in her games knowing how deeply that's going to hurt him every time she asks it of him.

You can't measure love by how much someone is willing to sacrifice or hurt themself for you or what other thing they love they give up for you  - that's cruelty and power games but not love. And it's wrong of her to demand that of him to prove he loves her..... And I'm done with me being something she can use to hurt him or ask him to prove he loves her by choosing her over me.  That's not a game I'm willing to play with his heart and since Britt is willing to play with his heart that way over and over and over,  I'm removing myself from Eric's options so she can't use me in her manipulative games with him. I am outside her power to control and always will be.  And if Eric's going to be hurt regardless, I'd rather it be by my decision to leave than by me playing any part in her constant manipulation and games.

For the record:
I haven't figured out how to put the bond to sleep yet -- I've been rather busy with things for grandma and calming the... strong... personalities on my da's side of the family getting everyone back on the same page.

I do know how to sever the bond. But I don't want to do that. And not just because I don't know how it would heal. but I also just genuinely don't want that. I WANT the bond. Hell, i still want Eric same as i ever did. My refusal is for any of this toxic mess that was created by his sister over the last year  and he has made worse in his choices of the last several months. And if I can only have him if I accept or condone her bullying behaviors and  the premises on which this mess was built, then I will choose to let him go his own way this life and I'll go mine and I'll put the bond to sleep if I can so we'll both hurt less (it's still going to hurt, even if it's the hurt of an amputation, of an absence of what you thought would always be there -- I'm not lying to myself over that either) rather than leaving it to be a constant source of intense yearning and pain.

This is 100%  the fault of his sister and her behavior over the last year if not longer AND his choices in going along with her however she rationalized it or accused him of not loving her if he wouldn't stand with her on this  Hes' going to lose me, and it's ENTIRELY over this one issue and the havoc it has created. And all of it comes back to her pride and defensiveness which led her to make herself into an abusive bully and to engage in narcisisstic abuse patterns rather than face this and acknowledge her mistakes and fix this.

Any other interpretation of it is more of her bullshit rationalizing. This is what is pushing me to my course of action, this is why I chose to unfollow him and it IS Brittany's fault that this is happening to Eric and he is going through it. The fact he listened to her and has followed her rationalizing is a weakness in him, but she's the one who argued that I didn't mean precisely what I have always said in complete honesty and she is the one who has masterminded and orchestrated every step of how we got here.

And she's the one who is hurt the least by how this has all played out. I mean, karmically, she's going to have a personal hell to pay over it, and if she doesn't choose to actively work to fix what she broke for him it's going to be far worse than any hell her soul has ever yet gone through -- but actual pain over this, the bulk of of it is being felt by Eric and me hardest. Always. She's the one who made this an issue and she's the one has put him squarely in the middle of this over and over and over again.

And I will neither compromise nor condone bullying from anyone. No matter who they are related to. I don't back down over it within my own family or friends groups, I will not back down over it in his family or anyone else's. She can either destroy him by continuing with it so I leave his life or she can change and fix this rather than destroy him -- but I will never stop calling out behaviors like this for what it is. From anyone.

I will leave it an open wound in both Eric and me, even with me leaving so he won't have to see me to remind him, before I'll sever the bond between us. That is something more than I will do. Those bonds aren't mine to cut and I don't know the damage it would do to us both for the ensuiing centuries and millenia of lives.... I could just cut it.  But I refuse to do that.  I'll not cut it, even if the pain is a constant battle of active yearning being unable to be together for the rest of this life. But if I can, I'll put that bond to sleep make me unreachable to him if I can to help numb the worst of the pain. That is the kindest thing I can do, for him or me, in this situation that Brittany's ego and pride  and refusal to admit when she has been wrong has created.

And that is where it's at.

And you need to remember, the one thing that my anger doesn't burn itself out over are issues of ethics and especially issues of intentional deliberate cruelty. It's the one exception to my temper burning hot and sudden but then burning itself out completely -- when it's issues of justice and  intentional cruelty to others.   You cannot expect me to let this go or for my anger to stop burning without choosing to address this and choose to heal the damage already done and refuse to continue to behave in bullying cruel ways. That's not going to happen in this situation, I will not back down or lose my anger over this. if you want my anger at Eric and Brittany to calm down, they're going to have to apologize and fix this and prove it by changed behavior so as not to be party to bullying moving forward.

1) I should never be allowed to cook when angry.  😂 Especially if it requires a heat source - be it oven,  stove,  or fire.  😂

Yesterday morning's cheesy potato hash and eggs was THE WORST cheesy potato hash and eggs I've EVER eaten. THE WORST!!  Even though I did everything right at every step AND cheesy potatoes hash with over easy egg is something I cook a LOT....  along with breakfast quesadillas,  omelets,  scrambles,  quiches, crêpes, and French toast it's one of my most frequently cooked go to breakfasts.  (While cooking, I was venting at Alana,  gesticulating with a carving knife during prep about 3 of the 4 family drama plots and one longterm issue in Crew that we had time to discuss before she had to leave for work in Milwaukee.) That cheest hash and eggs was so bad I'm still disappointed in myself over just how impossibly uneven and bad it turned out.

Andd the worst is,  I know better!  😂 When my temper burns hot,  don't let me NEAR anything electrical or heat source related or glass.  Not til my temper cools down....

And that includes cooking as well as electronics,  lol.

I have a few magic gifts with cooking - mostly that I use no recipes and cook my mood and always wind up with 2-3 times as much food as I should for what I used.  I could feed armies on how it multiplies when I'm in a good mood.  😂 MOSTLY what you get from me is a lot of singing and dancing in the kitchen that produces an unintentionally French-Mediterranean-Middle Easteen fusion (unless intentionally making something Mexican or Asian) unexpectedly balanced layers of flavors from simple ingredients and herbs/spices to smel lthat hit all the senses like a symphony and often a bit spicy.

But when I'm in a foul mood,  NOTHING behaves or cooks right. Even water boiling for coffee can go awry...   and honest I should just be removed from the kitchen taken to a restaurant or carryout brought in til my stormy mood passes.  For everyone's sake.

2) I should be allowed to mix liquor potions in a foul mood though - I concoct the most DELICIOUS teas (if someone else boils the water) and/or cocktails from whatever is on hand when surrounded by stress/volatility. Last night I was asked to make something with the black cherry soda for mixer invented a black forest cherry cordial drink that was divinely good and everyone came back for seconds.  Basically 1oz crême de cacao,  then 1oz Kahlua,  then 4oz black cherry soda.  Doesn't require shaking or stirring, carbonation will do that for you, just pouring.  And you get 3 cocktails out of every bottle/can of soda,  lol.  We will definitely be doing lots of these!

So no cooking foods for this elf-witch when she's angry if you want anything edible, but give me free rein on the libation potions.  😂

3) I'm gonna shower and coffee and eat Love Crunch granola (chocolate & red berries) for breakfast before heading to grandma's at 9:30 for her 10:15 pt appointment. May be there most of the day til my 2:30 dental cleanimg.  (I always schedule my dentist appointments at 2:30 because da used to tell this TERRIBLE dad joke everytime the dentist came up when I was a kid.  ("What's the best time to go to the dentist?" "At tooth-hurty.") And anytime I schedule it another time I show up at 2:30 anyway....  So now I tell them it doesn't matter what day of the week 6 months from now,  just make sure it's at 2:30. 😂 My dental hygienist thinks it the funniest quirk but she loves it.)

Okay.  Getting up out of the chair to go do the things before there isn't time to shower and for my hair dry....  I'd rather sleep for 40 hours or so,  but that's not in the cards today.  So.  Getting up out of the chair to go do the morning things...  Ready?  Go!

I should also, in full honesty, say I actually have no idea WHAT Eric shared that set me off said, 'Fuck it I'm done if he's STILL going to be actively involved in fucking bullying to cover his sister's arse after she blocked me on the band Instagram account and refuses to address this or even respond to me even when I've brought it up on Facebook or Twitter."

It wasn't the one thing in itself.  It was the "one more thing on top of aeverything done before" that made it the last straw for me....

Genuinely,  I didn't even see it. So I have no idea if it was from the band account like I assumed, from Brittany who blocked me on her personal account on October 27 (the night of the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting when I just wanted some comfort to not feel so alone and targeted as a Jewish woman born in Israel and that's the only reason I responded to her sharing the video whatsoever because I was hurting and it made me sad to think I could no longer go see the band I loved who had a new not country at all song that I loved) the night before I was blocked on the band account on Oct. 28 for stating the same thing I'd said to her (about how I love Hands Dirty but was sad I'd never see it live as the twanging of the country music before they even got onstage caused me so much pain I could no longer attend their shows so long as they were any part of the country music scene), or Liz (who blocked me in May 2018 when i told her, "Unfortunately, for me it's NOT still rock and roll to me when you have the country vocals involved as the twang causes me intense pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia" in response to her picture in the red fringe coat in NYC using a Billy Joel lyric as caption. (Photographic memory. Even if it's in long term archival storage, anything I see or hear is there like archival video footage. It's slower to get to it for things like names if I've quick retrieval mentally filed it away as, 'Biblical man's name that starts with P." but I can find it if I just ask myself when I first learned it or would have heard it and I choose to go rewatch my internal footage. I'm literally not allowed to forget anything. Even if I drink to the point I have an out of body experience and watch my body stop breathing, I remember EVERYTHING all along the way even what set me off drinking to try to forget it.)

I don't know for certain what he shared or from which of the three accounts the girls chose to block me on for telling them that the country music caused me physical pain and I was sad it was bad enough pain to stop me attending Delta Rae shows. I don't know if he was sharing a post, sharing a story, or what from one of the three accounts. I don't know if it was something I OUGHT to have loved if I could have seen it. i don't know if he somewhere in his brain thought if HE shared it on his account I could see it (I can't. That's not how blocking works. You share content from an account that has blocked a person -- not restricted, blocked -- then that person simply sees that you've shared a story but no matter how many times or ways they try to click on it they can't view the story and on their view it shows as however many less stories shared as your total with the blocked content visible. So if you've shared 3 stories and 2 from the band account, everyone not blocked sees all five stories but everyone blocked sees 3 stories and a perpetual circle around your account that you have an unwatched story. And that's why simply sharing ANYTHING from the band account while fans are blocked there IS relational bullying EVERY time you share it. Before Brittany even started in on her "you have to follow us on our instagram account to see exclusive content" power trip this fall/winter.)

I know that Brittany's behavior on this subject, start to finish, has been nothing but intentional cruelty and ostracism and bullying. And EVERY time he supports her or takes part in her plans for what should be done live or who should be sharing on the band instagram or who should be mentioning ONLY the band instagram, it is an act on his part of KNOWING cruelty in taking part of her system of ostracism and bullying that she created. By doing that for her,  he made himself directly complicit in her campaign of bullying and deliberate cruelty, not just having it done by her in his name.

And that's why I decided, "Fuck it. I'm done. I don't have the emotional capacity for the hurt and anger I feel toward him when he does this and acts as her pawn in her deliberate campaign of bullying. If she's going to be a bitch and a bully rather than ever admit she's in the wrong and he feels that as her brother he needs to do as she asks even when she's doing wrong and acting in deliberate cruelty. then fuck him . Fuck them both. Fuck them all. Clearly there's nothing here worth me holding onto since he's always going to be capable of engaging in her casual cruelty and justifying it as she's his sister so he has to protect her even when she's done wrong and is asking him to do wrong."

Because I don't have the energy or patience or capacity for further drama and hurting from acts of intentional cruelty that don't even need to happen you are just CHOOSING to be party to at this time.  I have more than enough legitimate drama and pain going on in my life that can't be stopped, only helped carry and healed where possible and collectively grieved over within my family. I ain't got time or need to pussy foot around bullshit drama created by a campaign of continuous intentional cruelty and acts of passive-aggressive ego driven pride because you're hurt someone told a truth you didn't want to hear, didn't want known, and now you're depressed and anxious because the truth is coming out and the reality is it shows that you can be a real shitty person when you don't get your way and there's literally no way to excuse your behavior of over a year except owning you did wrong then got defensive and so did greater wrong to try to continuously cover it up - but instead of owning up or fixing it,  you ask your older brother to protect the promise you made because you "just can't" right now with all this so you make him choose between doing the bullying for you or disappointing people she made an email promise to all while guilt tripping him for abandoning his little sister in her hour of anxious  depressive manipulating him need.  Please,  you're a grown ass adult and this is literally completely a situation of your making and perpetuating - take some fucking respinsibility for your own actions and choices for once in your life.  Dear Lord....  If you are that immature and can't grow up and do the right thing in a situation like this, then you can fuck off -- you have no place in my life if that's the sort of behavior you're going to condone or take part in.

I was throwing up most of today,  actually started Sunday night.  Haven't thrown up since like 3, bit decided not to go to company holiday dinner at Fuji....  Had been really looking forward to seeing Vivian and Aunt Sondra and spending time with Mikaela (not to mention my excitement for hibachi steak and scallops!) but if I have a stomach flu not just ate something my body has been rejecting,  I don't want them to get sick because of me being selfish wanting to see them.... It's been nearly 12 hours since I last threw up bile,  bit I'm not hungry or thirsty,  though my lips are ddy enough I should try to drink some water or herbal tea.

I still don't feel anything but relief over having unfollowed Eric, it's a relief on me to not even have to worry about the bullying from his sister's creation using him as a means to reach me. I doubt he's even noticed,  he has enough followers not to notice my absence.  And now he can share anything he wants to from the band account or on the band account without upsetting me.  And he can post as much pitchy ass country music as he desires without it ever hurting me.  It frees him to do as he wants without the damage of causing me pain.

I have not unfollowed Mike or Grant on insta,  but I've internally put them back on no contact won't watch their stories. They've neither of them ever done any wrong by me or actively participated in Britt's campaign of bullying and ostracism the way her brother did.  I just don't want to see anything to do with Eric or Brittany right now,  I'm tired of being hurt and/or angered,  and either Grant or Mike might share something they have every right to share that would be hurtful to me at this point.

I still intend to put the inner bond to sleep,  either on the solstice or over the eclipse that's at like midnight on Christmas day. He won't hear me or be able to reach me and I won't be able to hear him or reach him that way.  It's the healthiest option given the amount of poisonous toxicity there now is after Brittany's 13 month campaign of bullying behaviors.  That toxicity can't be purged from my side, it can only be purged and actual healing happen from their side taking accountability of the damage they did and choosing not to keep doing it.  And I don't expect that from either one of them at this point.  Brittany's pride is too over-inflated for that and Eric is too easily manipulated by his sister's rationalizing his behaviors she made into bullying from him.  The only tool I have for removing all this toxicity from me is lopping it off (which isn't the same as healing it - cutting it out doesn't allow for any future interactions or rapprochement - it's literally just removing all points oc contact for the poison pf Britt's creating to reach me.)

I figure he'll be fine, not like it hit him in Ann Arbor pr Chicago at the start or Minneapolis at the end.  Because I was there at those shows.  Me being absent in the future,  he should be like he was at the Colorado and west coast shows where I had internally pulled away from him after the damage of how he behaved end of August and early September - but I wasn't there to be a reminder of the damage he'd done so he was fine. My presence would hurt him with all the damage of his and his sister's actions right in front of him - but my absence won't remind him.  He can just forget and let her poisonous rationalizing make him come to believe he never did anything wrong. He can focus on what is there, not at the absence of who isn't. And I don't actually know what the inner bond between us means to him or how aware of it he is - he may not dven notice its absence as nd the silence that will leave in him.

I just need to figure out if I think the 21 or 24/25 better for pushing him out from reaching me and putting the inner bond to permanent sleep this life.  I'd ask the Goddess which she thinks better, but she'll just tell me it's not the sort of thing she does....so I'll ask the Seelie.  They've done it for me before,  so they may be annoyed I'm asking them again, but they were party to the undoing of it once he stopped dating the scorpion chick who is the reason I asked to have overlays from him stop - so they can't be too annoyed. Or ask too high a price from me.  I hope.

And I'm not concerned about Britt trying to use her baby beginner magic to stop me.  She lost all her real power when the Goddess turned away from Britt stripped her of her powers last year and ordered me not to ever try to bring my old student back intercede for her after Brittany turned her venom on me a year ago.  She has no powers of the light now and the Goddess has actively been returning all her malice back home to roost over the last year....   The only powers Brittany has any connection to now is the voodoo vampire she sold her soul to 3 lives ago to get revenge on the man who raped her.  She's still only a servant to that voodoo king now - and he won't touch anyone protected by any true gods.  Let alone someone protected by the Goddess,  the hawk god,  the raven god, my guardian amgel Gabreel himself, and the entire Seelie Court..... Brittany can't touch me on the spiritual plane,   no matter how dark she's willing to dabble - ot will only rebound back on her and set those who protect me to seek her misery as a necessity for their chosen task of protecting me. Her only way to mess with me is on the physical plane,  and I'm done allowing her to use her brother as a pawn to hurt me.

I still love Eric dearly.  But I cannot trust him so long as he allows himself to be manipulated aby her and used as a pawn for her campaign of bullying and cruelty using the official band accounts to do it.  I hate having to shut him out put the bond to sleep,  but that is the only option left to me based on her continuous acts of cruelty and him allowing her to manipulate him to be her tool.

3:33am addendum:

it's done. I was in my instagram account checking some dms and watching cute animals and just snap decision last straw "I'm done with this bullshit" made the decision at seeing him in my unwatched stories and knowing it would be an unwatchable story that it was time to cut the cord and just unfollow Eric.

Clearly his behavior is never going to change no more than his sister will ever admit she was in the wrong on this (and has consistently been in the wrong by giving him THE WORST possible advice to cover up her denial and try to bury her guilt over the last 13.5 months) or anyone in the band will EVER respond or own up to why not only was she in the wrong but she has made all of them hypocrites about the sort of people they claim to be and are all guilty of relational bullying via ostracism sue to her constant promoting everywhere of following the band on instagram when she's the one who has made it impossible for some fans who spoke out about disliking the country music dead end they pursued to even be able to see anything from the band's account..

It's not worth letting myself get angry at him for him continuously and knowingly taking part in the bullying and injustice.My inner peace is worth more than anything he could post at this point that I will miss at what his choices have made of this.

Nothing short of unblocking me and a genuine apology for his part in his sister's  manipulative cruel headgames can even begin to undo the amount of damage that Brittany and then Eric assisting her have done have done to my opinion of him or anything he touches.....

And honestly? What I felt after clicking I'm sure i want to unfollow was just the relief of a weight being rolled off me. Just free from the heaviness I hadn't realized his choices on this had put on me. I should have just done it back on August 28 when he showed his true colors.

Honestly, I genuinely don't even care about any of the songs Delta Rae has recorded for the light or they're currently recording for the dark. I was happier NOT letting myself watch any videos or acknowledge their existence than since I slipped up on Friday and started allowing me to let them play.

I don't even want to know what he shared, but the fact that two hours ago Eric popped up on my insta stories with a story that I can't watch  and thus I KNOW is him sharing something from the band's official account pisses me off. I don't WANT to see the content at this point of the constant bullying from him and Britt, I'm angry I can't see it. I'm angry at the injustice of that. It makes me angry all over again at Brittany for creating this situation and constantly poking the bear these last 13.5 months and it makes me angry at Eric for CONSTANTLY posting to the band account and constantly sharing things posted to the band instagram account since late August and him not even caring about him now being as much the bully of the band as his sister has been.

The chances of me unfollowing Eric, personally, in the next 22 hours is EXTRAORDINARILY high. And it is100% due to the fact that he shows up in my unwatched stories and I KNOW it's just him being the fucking bully that his sister made him into sharing something from the band account that I was blocked from and still nobody has ever once addressed at ANY point.

I was happier treating him and his band as if they don't exist. I didn't get angry over the injustice and the hypocrisy of who they CLAIM to be and the very real world bullying they have constantly engaged in for over a year now. And that's how it's going to be until he and his sister and the band as a whole heal what THEY broke and the poisonous bullying behavior they have engaged in.

And I don't have the patience or energy to put up with their bullshit and lack of accountability for what they have done and are still doing any longer. I prefer to treat them as if they simply don't exist. And the songs they've recorded and the songs they are currently in the middle of recording? those don't exists to me either and it doesn't matter what they record or how good they try to make it sound -- they simply won't exist to me and they are INCAPABLE of giving me any joy even if they did due to the blocking and the ostracism and bullying that have occurred since -- primarily perpetuated by Brittany and Eric. There's nothing I want from them without them fixing what they broke. I prefer them and anything they do to be dead to me if they refuse to take responsibility for the wrong they've done and ARE doing and they CHOOSE to make it right -- I'm happier if they and all their music and anything else they do simply don't exist to me if they're going to be bullies and not even acknowledge their ostracism and bullying behaviors.

It's not even a question of what I'm more excited about -- at this point,since the end of August/early September, I literally don't want any of them and have no desire to even listen to them.  And there's no reminding me of "how much I have loved them" without reminding me of the extent of the ostracism and bullying from Brittany over the last year and especially from Eric in these recent months since August 28. Reminding me of what I'll be missing is just another way of relational bullying, it's still an aspect of the ostracism that YOU created and YOU refuse to acknowledge and YOU refuse to fix -- and all it makes me do is get angry then push you away further and desire NOTHING to do with you or to see you or anything of yours again.  It has the exact opposite effect of the intended bullying. I don't think you're cool or desire to have you in my life -- I get angry at you for being a bully and treating people like shit then rubbing their faces in it. You're not cool, you're a fucking bully.

No contact with the band or anyone in the band was better. Then when any of the guys' stories showed up as unwatched, I would never even know if it's because I could or couldn't watch it if I clicked on it -- I was choosing not to click on it at all. I'm going back to no contact. And I refuse to alter that without any real change or healing on the mistakes that Brittany and Eric have made and CONTINUE making by engaging in relational bullying behaviors.

*sigh* I was up til nearly 5am texting with family then up again at 10am. Luckily,  Enda responded to me immediately when I thanked him and serendipity for the timing of unveiling the poster for the Rise & Shine Spring tour (LOVE the poster design soooo much!!)  and that everyone who buys tickets to Spring 2020 shows before 2019 ends will get it free and they will sign them (as well as anything else pg) for anyone comes to say hi and get sweaty band guy hugs and/or selfies after the shows (they do this at EVERY show no matter how big or small or how many people queue up for it)  AND yesterday he sneak peeked to Crew the new 2020 tour tee designs and 3 I want desperately immediately!!! (Enda designs and handles all their merch,  though with sub lieutenants under Cindy for logisticking who works merch and who it gets shipped to where in the states.)  So anyway,  I thanked him for the timing on the happy surprises making me smile and laugh, and the other boys too with their shenanigans and tourist in Japan vlogs on stories on other social media, precisely when I needed it in the midst of a LOT of heavy family drama I wasn't talking about.  So then he and Dave, in the middle of I don't even know what o'clock in Japan, spent the next hour looking up things to message me make me laugh while I was texting with family about grandma.

Those Irish men are just too fucking sweet!!!

Anyway.  Just got off phone with grandma again.  Need to skedaddle and drop off dog.  Then pick up Crissy.  Then more coffee.  Then to Milwaukee for concert.  Then dinner.  Then midnight French toast with berries at short stack with Alana & Maddie who wanted to hang tonight.  It's my favorite French toast that isn't homemade by my da,  me,  or my sister. Then tomorrow visit grandma and put up outdoor icicle lights and then work into wee hours.

Also.  Going to offer I can be grandma's health power of attorney if her kids and other grandkids are cool.  *sigh* Not that I want it,  but Aunt Linda is unsuited,  my parents are currently working 70 hour work weeks due to end of windows 7, Uncle Jeff is dealing with Gail's mess how that affects his kids,  and Uncle Steve has his hands full with the girls and their life dramas right now.  My sister is in Seattle, Sasha is 6 hours drive up north,  Shauna is in L. A.  and self-destructively unstable to even manage her own life,  and Sabra us a wreck right now after everything with Ross so she needs to focus on Vivian.  Teddy is 20 up in Green Bay stepping up already to take care of his mom.  Maddie is 17, a wreck and a minor and focusing on being a high school senior whose mom might not see her graduation dye to her mom's negligence,  and Linda's twins are 12.

There's no reason I can't and I already know more about most of it than anyone else from helping her.  I just need to step up say I volunteer if everyone will let me (with lots of checking in with the kids before any major decisions. *sigh* okay.  Let's go.

If not me,  then who?

But now she's on antibiotics and her fracture in a brace,  grandma is well enough and lucid enough to be kvetching about not taking care of her properly in the hospital.  😂  That means Jewish grandma is alright,  lol.

1:37am update:
~Parents just texted me they're leaving ER now.
~I did the proper and thanked them for letting me know. Then thanked them for forcing her to go in. And I held back on the, "This wouldn't have gone so late or been so difficult if anyone would have just listened to me." 
~Grandma has been admitted overnight. She has a broken (but not displaced) lower vertebrae and a hairline fracture in her pelvic girdle. And a super bad sinus infection.
~All of this could have been dealt with HOURS ago if anyone would have just listened to me.
~But at least she ended up where she needs to be. And now everyone has seen JUST how bad this truly is and  can replace Aunt Linda for power of health and facilitate forcing grandma's stubborn arse into assisted living which is where she NEEDS to be at this juncture....
~because this is one more thing that side of the family needed on their fucking plate, right?

But most of all. I'm so fucking tired of playing Cassandra. I'm just so tired. But especially tired of playing Cassandra.

I'm tired of repeating the same damn truth that nobody listens to until the last eleventh hours hail mary save if I can get us to that fucking path.

Seriously. Just fucking listen to me. From the first warnings I give you... Because I'm not saying it without having cheated and peeked at the fucking future possible timelines.....

I'm so tired of being forced to play Cassandra and nobody fucking listening to the truth and then acting all surprised when they end up with the fates I TRIED to warn them how to avoid.

I'm just so fucking tired of that.....

Millenia of this gift, and just as many millenia of people recognizing this price for such gifts.... And still dealing with this bullshit playing Cassandra....


1:49am postscript:
None of this is really anyone's fucking business except my family. 99.891% likelihood I set this post and the one before to private.....

O mon bon dieu! It's been a fucking week....

And then tonight my aunt called because my grandma wasn't answering the phone when she went to drop off groceries and so my parents asked me to go over with our extra set of keys and I TOLD dad, 'you should go. You can pick her up easily, by yourself. Even together it will be awkwardly hard for Lin and me." and he STILL wanted me to do it and rather than fight I decided hurrying was more important. (my da gets precog time loops too after all, he should have realized by my tone or just peeking for himself -- and Aunt Linda is intensely intuitive spiritual also gets them. The precogs/time loops come from my paternal grandfather's side of the family. Most gifts, or the ability to have the gifts awaken, have a genetic component to them -- I don't quite fully understand it and I can't point at the genetic code for it, but they definitely run in bloodlines.)

Anyway, so I said, "Fuck it. I'll go unlock grandma's house and deal with this right now." Left the store at 7:30, didn't get back til nearly 8:30.

So we unlock the doors and grandma is on the tile floor by the door can't get herself up. She says she's been calling for help (with teh TV blaring MSNBC per usual) and not even aware that Aunt Linda doesn't HAVE a key for the outer door of her condo.  So I TRY to convince them that if she can't stand and she has back pain we NEED to call an ambulance and my grandma (who is ghsatly pale and incoherent not making sense in obvious pain) keeps insisting she'll be alright if we can only get her to her bed. (she fell onto her lower back/pelvic area trying to stand from her bed. And while she can only stand from a seated position with something to grab onto, this is a different situation.) And I TRY to insist, 'No. If you've injured your back badly or fractured your pelvis, we could cause more harm by moving you. We NEED to call an ambulance."

But my aunt, who's adrenaline rush freaked out and running late for where she wants to be (her weekly dancing at a family friend house) says, "We can get her to the bed. I'm stronger than I look." Now, my aunt is her primary health. Legally. And because I decided during my premed coursework undergrad that i wanted to heal people when they break and teach them how not to break, what I wanted to do as a healer was not what doctors in the American pharmaceutical-insurance system DO) I have no medical credentials to back up what I'm saying. i should really get my EMT cert so I have SOMETHING. Though that then opens you up for liabilities that Good Samaritan protections won't cover if you try to help someone in immediate danger. So grandma can't tell us how long she's been on the floor tells me she doesn't think she hit her head or blacked out at all and  they're NOT listening to me insist and insist and insist we need to call 911 and not move her.

So then my aunt says, "I'm strong. I can carry you." Now, my aunt IS strong. Wiry strong. Long distance runner and gardens. But she's also 5'5 and MAYBE 135lbs.  My grandma was 5'6 at her tallest now shrunken to just under 5'4 and weighs maybe 128lbs. And then there's me -- I'm just shy of 5'8 and don't own a scale because I think they're mentally toxic when people obsess over every little pound but since I attained my whole height I've never weighed less than 108lbs or more than 146lbs AND I had two bad migraines this week and hadn't eaten anything for over 36hours before cooking up some garlicky cheesy potatoes with onions early this morning. So even if strong enough, she's a dead weight and the leverage point are bad for my aunt to do this even with my assistance.

I keep TRYING to tell them it's a bad idea we NEED to call 911 just in case before moving her. But as stubborn and opinionated and blunt as I am, I am the LEAST forceful about my opinions of most of my dad's side of the family. I'm malleable and pliable compared to my father, his siblings, his parents, or anyone who has ever married into that generation of the family.... And given how intransigently stubborn and outspoken I am, you can only imagine how they are.....

So despite my grandma's misgivings over it all worrying she'll end up getting hurt worse without one of her boys there, my aunt INSISTS she can do it and gets grandma to (facing each other) link her arms around my aunt's neck while my aunt hooks her arms under grandma';s shoulder and lifts to carry her the 20ft. SO I freak out and check the precogs see that moving her WON'T cause further harm and grab grandma's legs underneath/behind through my aunt's legs. to get her as gently and rapidly the 20ft to her bed. Then I had to hold her up in place while my aunt repositioned her grip to get her on bed so she won't fall off again....

And meanwhile, I'm asking my grandma all sorts of important questions TRYING to convince her and my aunt that we HAVE to get her real medical attention and x-rays and bloodwork -- especially since she's been sick with a cold/flu all week and she can't tell me when she last ate a real meal and she's still not completely coherent and she's in intense pain.  My aunt, still fritzing out, won't listen to me about calling ehr husband (a radiologist) to ask him if she should go in but ffeels like she can't leave grandma like this and is in an anxious flurry of "needingto  help" but clearly impatient. SO she puts away all the groceries while i talk to grandma, calm her down, find her phones, TRY to get her to understand why we NEED to take her in.

but I'm being over-ridden by her AND her primary health giver and as a grandchild, I'll always be seen as lesser younger more immature than her kids because of how generational dynamics work. And legally, I can't call if she could be arguably mentally competent AND her primary health executive agrees with her....

And they're so stubborn and combative and my aunt (who IS weird karmically about money) tells my grandma not to worry about the groceries they'll settle up later. So then my grandma sits up, throws up bile claiming it's form laying down on her back made her nauseous, and INSISTS she can get up now she can get her legs over the edge of the bed and get herself up. So then she's vertical and despite my aunt's insistence not to to worry but under it impatience and WANTING the money squared up, my grandma insists on walking tot he kitchen to write my aunt a bloody damn check for the groceries. And she STILL can't tell me when she last ate. Can't even remember she'd eaten a brownie "earlier" (one bite was remaining, stale, on the plate near her chair in front of the blaring TV which is why I mentioned it to ask her)  Won't let me prepare for her an orange juice and blackberry Izze to get something in her and me wanting to make her SOMETHING to eat. And she won't let me stay, says she's alright even though she's clearly not.....

My aunt can't get out of there fast enough, she's nauseous from her adrenaline and feeling like she's "sacrificed" enough of her one night of freedom from the twins. And my grandma won't let me stay no matter how I try. So I get grandma to let me put her phone in the pocket of her sweater housecoat "just in case" since once she fell she couldn't reach any of her phones. And I make her promise to call me or my parents if she feels ANY pain or anything to worry about. And then she insists I leave with Aunt Linda. So I help carryt eh garbage out and chill my aunt out before she's driving and HOPE grandma won't fall again (she didn't in any of my precogs) and then I rush to get to my parents after promising my aunt to be clear with my parents how bad tonight was AND that we'd try to get Aunt Linda a set of keys so she can at least get inside when running errands to know to call someone.....

So I get back and my parents are FREAKING out that grandma wasn't taken in to the ER and an ambulance called. And I told them I TRIED and insisted every step along the way that grandma NEEDED to be checked out because this would be too much for ANYONE'S body to not get x-rays and bloodwork.  And frankly, the chances of her having a pelvic fracture from EVERYTHING she's saying is quite high.  They're fritzing out about how she clearly can't live alone etc etc and I apologize TELL them I kept insisting but when grandma who is medically considered mentally competent still AND her primary health provider INSIST on what they did, how can I even legally stop them with the generational gap and me lacking any medical degree?! So they calm down a little but keep interrupting me as they spin out about having to go over there so my dad can make her go in. Until FINALLY I lose my temper after this week and everything tonight so I snap at my parents , "STOP INTERRUPTING ME! I know all this!! I TRIED to make that happen. I failed. legally, I couldn't insist and make that call without one of them giving me permission. Right now I am TRYING to give you all the pertinent medical information you need, objectively, not through someone freaking out, so YOU have a clear understanding of medical details they may ask when you check her in. Now shut up your monologuing what we all agree upon and let me give you that objective diagnosis and THEN you can rush out the door to triage this shit and save the day!"

Which actually worked. I hoped it would, instead of making them explode their anger on me, but i wasn't SURE it would work to yell at them and shock them into ceasing to interrupt me.  (My mum actually has a lot of experience with elder care within the family and my da gets deadly calm decisive in emergencies just the same as I do.)

So then they left after dithering over whether to leave their dog with me or take her to their house (they took her) and go try to convince my stubborn Scorpio grandma to go into the fucking ER (my da is a Capricorn and my mum a Scorpio -- so they can outstubborn her. As a Libra, I can CONVINCE her, especially when I can get her to think my way of seeing it is HER idea to begin with, but outstubborning her with me usually means making her see reason.)  So then I opened a bottle of wine, fed my dog her dinner, drank 1/3 of the bottle of wine before deciding to eat the California Roll my mama brought me from going to Takara with my papa for lunch and have been binge watching Girls (a comedy I can't respect a single character in it, except maybe Jessa who is a mess but an authentic honest mess, but I'm in the middle of binge watching to try to figure out what people see in it.)

And none of that even has a fuck thing to do with ANY of the recent drama (like Breaking Bad level shit in a life drama) with my cousins and their significant others that has had me so upset recently..... The stories that aren't mine to tell outside the family...Those are so much worse and so much more for all of us to carry than this recent unfolding of my grandmother's slow decline, some days better and some days worse, that played out tonight....

O, and about halfway through my bottle of wine, I clicked on the insta story of my close friend who's been living in Spare Oom 75% of the time since July because she'd been living with her parents in La Crosse since being released from in-patient a few years ago, but then her store closed in July and she got reassigned to Milwaukee location (a 3+ hour drive each way) but was thinking about not taking the job due to the distance til I insisted she could stay with me -- but she hasn't paid me rent at all and we have no end date for how long she's staying with me since she couldn't find an apartment in Milwaukee she could afford AND she has clinical manic-depression and has family verbal/physical abuse issues and been checked in after a serious suicide attempt. Because she's been in a depressive phase the last month and a half hasn't hit manic again and I know she'd not do anything at my place, but she doesn't always tell me if she's coming back or her timing... So yeah, I've been constantly fucking cleansing and recentering and recharging the energy in my space and I've resorted to keeping Spare Oom (where she mostly stays, with the door open, but rarely goes anywhere else except to pass through on her way to/from work, by her choices -- says it's what she's always done at home as well)  energetically bubbled off to quick cleanse it so nothing seeps out to the rest of the flat -- and that chronic energy drain is absolutely part of my chronic migraines recently and my shorter than usual patience with anyone's meaningless ego-driven middle school drama bullshit..... But. Anyway, I clicked on her insta story  to double check. (She was fine, it was my cat staring at her from the doorway with the song "I'll be watching you" playing and her just giggling in her bed and then a couple memes but none that raised red flags with me.) And it wasn't til my mouth was full of wasabi coated California roll (I like the spicy, but dislike soy sauce because it makes all the sushi taste of only soy sauce, lol) that I realized I'd let it run through Grant's insta story by mistake. (I didn't BLOCK or unfollow any of them, I just wasn't letting me click on them to watch.)

So I froze and thought, "Oh shit! I just broke my own no contact for my own mental health rule!" and then I saw it was pretty much all his trip to Havana and I relaxed said, 'Fuck it. Too late now. And Grant, Mike, and Ian ain't never done shit wrong by me other than what was done in their name by others in the band." So I drank some more wine and got to the last one, of him with that cat on his lap that he doesn't know, seems mildly terrified of but the cat looks EXACTLY like Spock and my internal response was, 'Eh fuck it! No contact is broken. And in for a fucking penny, in for a fucking pound... I want him to KNOW how eerily twin that cat is to my cat at home...." So I responded and dmed.

And I can't say if that's a good idea or a bad idea. But that's how it happened. Right around 9:15 or so. And my wine brain at the edge of my drama I can handle right now brain says, 'Fuck it. It's done. And seriously, that cat COULD be my cat's twin. Fucking uncanny valley!"

Fuck all if I know how I'll feel about that tomorrow or my feelings toward Eric now I broke my own "no contact with any of Delta Rae' rule... Because half bottle of wine decisions are DEFINITELY the best decisions of your life, lol. But fuck that all! I'm not even going to think about that right now. Now that I've vented, I'm going to go back to drinking my wine, eating some chocolate, and binge watching this comedic soap opera where I seriously can't relate to ANY of them but it's distracting me from my far more serious weights on my life due to family stress.

So.

How's your Friday night going then?

P.S. My parents got back to me at 10:30 thatthey FINALLY got grandma to get into the ER (in their car not an ambulance) and her blood pressure was high and they put a neck brace on her and were INCREDIBLY angry she insisted on being moved and didn't come in with an ambulance..... But they got her there eventually so that's at least going forward as it ought and the only way I KNEW it would go forward -- with my da getting involved the moment I heard his sister would be there and not just me using the key to check in on grandma....  So there's that. And all of it could have been done HOURS ago with way less stress/pain on everyone if anyone would have just fucking LISTENED to me about the best way to play this hand.....especially given how much I kept cheating with the short term precogs to be sure we didn't do any potentially permanent damage.... Fucking playing Cassandra. Story of my lives....

I don't like that this is the point it feels to me I have no other options but to cut ties. If there were any other solution I'd pursue it. Do you think I want to not feel his love inside me echoing in my silences? I don't remember what it's like not having that there -- so do you think I don't want to snuggle up into it find comfort there and to make it grow?

I hate the thought of cutting out all of it it, I hate everything about it. I just don't see anything else for me to do. I didn't make the choices that brought us here -- and I can't make the choices that would fix this toxicity at this point.

I had nothing to do with the decision for them to get involved in the one genre of music that consistently causes me more pain due to my synesthesia than any other.  I'm not the one who blocked me for an honest truth that she didn't want to face and thought it better to try to hide it. I'm not the one who not only chose to block someone but then chose to gaslight the entire situation refuse to acknowledge or respond to it for 13 months. I'm not the one who hasn't allowed anyone else to respond to it or deal with it. I'm not the one who's so petty as to continuously rub salt in that wound EVERY time things get even a little bit better between me and Eric. I'm not the one who as soon as I realized I couldn't touch her or hurt her decided to convince my brother he should be the one to do it because she couldn't be mad at him. (Spoiler alert: Yes, I can be mad at him when he acts like a bully and an asshole. Same as I can, and will, get mad at anyone for behaving that way.) None of those were my fucking choices. None of those were things I did in this situation.

I didn't do any of that bullshit. All I did was consistently say my truth, "X causes me pain because y" about the country music (which isn't even an issue anymore!) and the reactions, from both girls, was nothing but defensiveness and continuous bullying that culminated in blocking as ostracism as the way to deal with it. Not a bit of empathy, no understanding, no ownership of anything they ever said or did -- just continuous bullying behaviors for YEARS now. Including the recent continuously stating, 'Follow us on Instagram for our stories" rather than "follow us on social media" to continuously rub in the fact that that's the only social media we blocked people on and that if you're blocked you CAN'T follow or see.

If you want admiration, if you want affection, then the very LAST thing you should be doing is being a cruel bully -- you will NEVER get any accolades from me by being cruel. To anyone. You'll never get praise from me or anyone who's honest so long as you're guilty of intentional cruelty. All you'll get is sycophants who will tell you that the sun shines out your ass no matter what shit you do. You don't earn an honest person's admiration by choosing to be a bully. Ever. All you do is dig the hole deeper that you've created for yourself. And trying to get allies to bully for you because you're not getting the reaction you desire to your bullying just creates shit in their lives without doing a damn thing to better your situation or make you more likeable. Everyone with clear sight can see through it and see how small and petty and bitter your defensiveness makes you.  Continuing down this path, all Britt is going to do is break her brother's heart and make him learn to hate her even if he never expresses it out loud because she'll have taken from him in this life something that his soul needs in a way that she will never understand and that she doesn't have the power to ever fix if she breaks it -- she can only destroy by these choices she's made and continues making. She can't make anything good. Not by intentionally breaking things to try to insert herself into the center of everything.

I hate all of this. Every damn thing about it. None of it is what I wanted. None of it is what I chose beyond me choosing to be honest about choices that I never even made.

I hate knowing that he's hurting and I hate that in order to sever the connection I need to make me refuse to let me pay attention to his inner pain -- I don't want it to be that way. When he's hurting, I want to make it better. Full stop. I don't want to be the reason he hurts. I don't want to come between him and anyone else or anything else that matters to him. That's WHY my solution to his sister turning into a bitch and a bully and blocking me both on her personal page and then less than 24 hours later on the band page was for me to decide I was done and leaving so he'd not be stuck in the middle between us and for me to s[emd 6 months pushing him away so he couldn't reach me via the bond until I realized he might have no idea why I decided to cut him out. because i don't want to be the reason he hurts nor do I want to be between him and anyone or anything he loves. It's why i decided me leaving is the best choice i can make given his sister's continuous choices to be a bitch and a bully towards me.

I hate everything about this. It's not any damn way of behaving that i want. But it's where we are and I don't see what I could do to change it at this point since there's nothing I can do to fix what was broken or to keep it from continuously being broken and undermined and poisoned..

Cutting contact with everyone involved to avoid any further toxic interactions is the best answer I have given where things are at and the choices of other people. But that doesn't mean there's a fucking thing I like about it and I wouldn't choose differently if I saw another way out from this mess that was created by Eric's sister and him going along with her. This isn't what I'd choose, but this is the best answer I have based on the choices open to me.  So it's what I'm running with.

And I intend to continue running with it so long as it's the best answer I have with the way things are.


It doesn't matter how much love he can reach me with or how desperately I want to curl into that. Not so long as this other thing exists and is toxic and poisoning everything to do with his band. I can't fix this fucking mess his sister made and that he helped perpetuate and make worse -- and since there's nothing I can do to make any of this LESS toxic, I'm going to continue with the plan of no contact as the best I can do to purge out this toxicity that his sister created and he and his sister introduced into my life and keep reinjecting more poisons into it.

*sigh* Tonight's the first time it's been this hard on me since I decided it was the last straw, after 13 months of bullying head games, and I was done putting up with it any further or ever again.

See. Since then, he's been full of anger, sorrow, and bitterness by turns -- and reflecting back any/all negativity directed at me or involving me is child's play. Whether I'm simply reflecting it back, reflecting it back threefold, or reflecting it back ninefold at the person sending itto me so it never touches me. I usually keep it at singlefold because as an empath, I need to hear the hurts of people I love to help them....And I keep it at triplefold when I find people's emotions are overwhelmingly noisy to me and I need some peace and quiet inside me. I only turn it up to ninefold when there's somebody with INTENSELY strong negative emotions toward me that require a full block -- and since the show at Steven's Point I've felt intense jealousy and hate and desire I didn't exist from Jessie AND since early Sept from Britt being bitter and angry for me making things difficult not going along with how she wants her games to play out  Trying to play games with me instead of being honest will always get you in trouble with me. ALWAYS. So I've had it set at ninefold reflecting back negative emotions for most of the fall.....  So any emotions that have any negative emotions relating to me don't touch me unless I let them. Sorrow is hard to block from reaching me at singlefold or triplefold reflection, a person's sadness still seeps in. But since a week or so before All Hallow's, I've been constantly reflecting back on the sender at ninefold power all negative emotions directed at me. So even the sorrow doesn't seep through unless I let my reflection of negative emotions dip lower than ninefold. Nothing that bears any taint of negativity or ill will can reach me when I have my mirror shields set so high.

But late tonight, something clarified inside him and all his negativity related to me or issues surrounding me has filtered out. And tonight/this morning there's only his love inside him burning incredibly intense and pure reaching for me wanting me to hear him and at least know his love is real. And, when all there is in him is that purity of love in him, purged of any/all negative emotions or selfishness clouding it....That I can't block out so easily. It's positive, not negative, so it won't reflect back. And if I try to shove him out tell him to go away, his love just grows stronger if he doesn't let any negative emotions cloud it and then it only reaches me stronger....

I don't have an answer for that. I don't have any skills in me to block out love.... I can only block out negative emotions by reflecting them back to the sender. And that includes anything that ought to be positive that's clouded by negative emotions mixed in.  It's why in Chicago when I caved listened to Ian's eyes asking me to at least LOOK at Eric, when all Eric felt was his love and joy and none of the rest, I couldn't shut him out even a little.....

All I know is that it makes it hard and it hurts worse hearing his love so strongly. But it doesn't change anything about me choosing not to let in anything from what he or any of his bandmates share so long as the band instagram account is being used as a tool of ostracism and bullying. The band is dead to me while that's happening.  It doesn't matter how hard they work to return to their truth or how much he puts into creating something he knows I would love if I'd only listen and give it a chance. The ethics issue that is now in the middle of everything and has now tainted EVERY member of the band for their silent complicity in the bullying makes it impossible for me NOT to feel the specter of the bullying and the condoning of it, everything that reminds me of them and every time I see them.  It doesn't matter what they create, musically, so long as this is left to fester and not dealt with.

Doesn't matter how strong his love reaches me, or how much more that makes it hard -- this isn't a grey area, this isn't negotiable. It has literally poisoned EVERYTHING related to any of them for allowing it to go on this long and being any part of perpetuating it. And there's no getting around it without addressing this elephant in the room and purging out the poisons it has bred. We're at the point you clean up the mess you made allowed to fester unto gangrene or I'm simply cutting off the limb before it turns to lethal blood poisoning.

His love is beautiful and pure and I want it so desperately. But not at that price, not at condoning bullying or leaving this mess the way it is without healing it.

And I think.  With this current hand Britt dealt and what I can play with it,  I'm going to cut it all out be done at the eclipse.  Preferably the one on Christmas Day, but if I can't figure out how to cut clean,  I'll wait for the companion eclipse 6 weeks later.....

O mon bon dieu..... Just spent an hour and a half texting about a new layer of the ongoing family soap opera.  Just got out of the shower waiting on the kettle to make some coffee before the hard phone calls of sharing this truth with the people who need to be told and are already carrying too much so there will be no good time to tell them... And I'd rather bluntly rip the bandaid off tell them immediately then my silence making things worse down the line....

Ufgh.  I could use a good long hug uncomplicated snuggles where I just feel loved and safe and evetything will work out right.  Barring that,  I intend to have wine tonight and to use music as therapy - whoever's music brings me the most comfort right now.  So probably a lot of listening to George Winston now it's holiday season and Natalie MacMaster album especially Get Me Through December featuring Alison Krauss on repeat!

And I have a Celtic trad Christmas show on the 7th, symphony on the 13th, George Winston tickets with my maman on the 18th, then the holidays including Aunt Sondra & Uncle Steve hosting a Christmas Day family party,  then 2 We Banjo 3 shows in Ohio mid-January.

Okay.  *sigh* Time to go stir the coffee,  plunge the French press,  and make my calls.....

But seriously. If you're thinking about creating drama with me for absolutely no fucking reason, I'm going to recommend not now. Because right now, unless you're family, any playing mind games with me will result in you getting the overly blunt scathing honesty side of my tongue followed by me concluding,  "Fuck if I need this in my life right now - don't contact me again til you can take responsibility for your actions and show some basic maturity" writing you off. My always minimal patience for people who create drama playing mind games is completely nonexistent right now.  And forecast is it will remain nonexistent through the end of the year at least.