*sigh* Tonight's the first time it's been this hard on me since I decided it was the last straw, after 13 months of bullying head games, and I was done putting up with it any further or ever again.

See. Since then, he's been full of anger, sorrow, and bitterness by turns -- and reflecting back any/all negativity directed at me or involving me is child's play. Whether I'm simply reflecting it back, reflecting it back threefold, or reflecting it back ninefold at the person sending itto me so it never touches me. I usually keep it at singlefold because as an empath, I need to hear the hurts of people I love to help them....And I keep it at triplefold when I find people's emotions are overwhelmingly noisy to me and I need some peace and quiet inside me. I only turn it up to ninefold when there's somebody with INTENSELY strong negative emotions toward me that require a full block -- and since the show at Steven's Point I've felt intense jealousy and hate and desire I didn't exist from Jessie AND since early Sept from Britt being bitter and angry for me making things difficult not going along with how she wants her games to play out  Trying to play games with me instead of being honest will always get you in trouble with me. ALWAYS. So I've had it set at ninefold reflecting back negative emotions for most of the fall.....  So any emotions that have any negative emotions relating to me don't touch me unless I let them. Sorrow is hard to block from reaching me at singlefold or triplefold reflection, a person's sadness still seeps in. But since a week or so before All Hallow's, I've been constantly reflecting back on the sender at ninefold power all negative emotions directed at me. So even the sorrow doesn't seep through unless I let my reflection of negative emotions dip lower than ninefold. Nothing that bears any taint of negativity or ill will can reach me when I have my mirror shields set so high.

But late tonight, something clarified inside him and all his negativity related to me or issues surrounding me has filtered out. And tonight/this morning there's only his love inside him burning incredibly intense and pure reaching for me wanting me to hear him and at least know his love is real. And, when all there is in him is that purity of love in him, purged of any/all negative emotions or selfishness clouding it....That I can't block out so easily. It's positive, not negative, so it won't reflect back. And if I try to shove him out tell him to go away, his love just grows stronger if he doesn't let any negative emotions cloud it and then it only reaches me stronger....

I don't have an answer for that. I don't have any skills in me to block out love.... I can only block out negative emotions by reflecting them back to the sender. And that includes anything that ought to be positive that's clouded by negative emotions mixed in.  It's why in Chicago when I caved listened to Ian's eyes asking me to at least LOOK at Eric, when all Eric felt was his love and joy and none of the rest, I couldn't shut him out even a little.....

All I know is that it makes it hard and it hurts worse hearing his love so strongly. But it doesn't change anything about me choosing not to let in anything from what he or any of his bandmates share so long as the band instagram account is being used as a tool of ostracism and bullying. The band is dead to me while that's happening.  It doesn't matter how hard they work to return to their truth or how much he puts into creating something he knows I would love if I'd only listen and give it a chance. The ethics issue that is now in the middle of everything and has now tainted EVERY member of the band for their silent complicity in the bullying makes it impossible for me NOT to feel the specter of the bullying and the condoning of it, everything that reminds me of them and every time I see them.  It doesn't matter what they create, musically, so long as this is left to fester and not dealt with.

Doesn't matter how strong his love reaches me, or how much more that makes it hard -- this isn't a grey area, this isn't negotiable. It has literally poisoned EVERYTHING related to any of them for allowing it to go on this long and being any part of perpetuating it. And there's no getting around it without addressing this elephant in the room and purging out the poisons it has bred. We're at the point you clean up the mess you made allowed to fester unto gangrene or I'm simply cutting off the limb before it turns to lethal blood poisoning.

His love is beautiful and pure and I want it so desperately. But not at that price, not at condoning bullying or leaving this mess the way it is without healing it.

And I think.  With this current hand Britt dealt and what I can play with it,  I'm going to cut it all out be done at the eclipse.  Preferably the one on Christmas Day, but if I can't figure out how to cut clean,  I'll wait for the companion eclipse 6 weeks later.....