O mon bon dieu! It's been a fucking week....

And then tonight my aunt called because my grandma wasn't answering the phone when she went to drop off groceries and so my parents asked me to go over with our extra set of keys and I TOLD dad, 'you should go. You can pick her up easily, by yourself. Even together it will be awkwardly hard for Lin and me." and he STILL wanted me to do it and rather than fight I decided hurrying was more important. (my da gets precog time loops too after all, he should have realized by my tone or just peeking for himself -- and Aunt Linda is intensely intuitive spiritual also gets them. The precogs/time loops come from my paternal grandfather's side of the family. Most gifts, or the ability to have the gifts awaken, have a genetic component to them -- I don't quite fully understand it and I can't point at the genetic code for it, but they definitely run in bloodlines.)

Anyway, so I said, "Fuck it. I'll go unlock grandma's house and deal with this right now." Left the store at 7:30, didn't get back til nearly 8:30.

So we unlock the doors and grandma is on the tile floor by the door can't get herself up. She says she's been calling for help (with teh TV blaring MSNBC per usual) and not even aware that Aunt Linda doesn't HAVE a key for the outer door of her condo.  So I TRY to convince them that if she can't stand and she has back pain we NEED to call an ambulance and my grandma (who is ghsatly pale and incoherent not making sense in obvious pain) keeps insisting she'll be alright if we can only get her to her bed. (she fell onto her lower back/pelvic area trying to stand from her bed. And while she can only stand from a seated position with something to grab onto, this is a different situation.) And I TRY to insist, 'No. If you've injured your back badly or fractured your pelvis, we could cause more harm by moving you. We NEED to call an ambulance."

But my aunt, who's adrenaline rush freaked out and running late for where she wants to be (her weekly dancing at a family friend house) says, "We can get her to the bed. I'm stronger than I look." Now, my aunt is her primary health. Legally. And because I decided during my premed coursework undergrad that i wanted to heal people when they break and teach them how not to break, what I wanted to do as a healer was not what doctors in the American pharmaceutical-insurance system DO) I have no medical credentials to back up what I'm saying. i should really get my EMT cert so I have SOMETHING. Though that then opens you up for liabilities that Good Samaritan protections won't cover if you try to help someone in immediate danger. So grandma can't tell us how long she's been on the floor tells me she doesn't think she hit her head or blacked out at all and  they're NOT listening to me insist and insist and insist we need to call 911 and not move her.

So then my aunt says, "I'm strong. I can carry you." Now, my aunt IS strong. Wiry strong. Long distance runner and gardens. But she's also 5'5 and MAYBE 135lbs.  My grandma was 5'6 at her tallest now shrunken to just under 5'4 and weighs maybe 128lbs. And then there's me -- I'm just shy of 5'8 and don't own a scale because I think they're mentally toxic when people obsess over every little pound but since I attained my whole height I've never weighed less than 108lbs or more than 146lbs AND I had two bad migraines this week and hadn't eaten anything for over 36hours before cooking up some garlicky cheesy potatoes with onions early this morning. So even if strong enough, she's a dead weight and the leverage point are bad for my aunt to do this even with my assistance.

I keep TRYING to tell them it's a bad idea we NEED to call 911 just in case before moving her. But as stubborn and opinionated and blunt as I am, I am the LEAST forceful about my opinions of most of my dad's side of the family. I'm malleable and pliable compared to my father, his siblings, his parents, or anyone who has ever married into that generation of the family.... And given how intransigently stubborn and outspoken I am, you can only imagine how they are.....

So despite my grandma's misgivings over it all worrying she'll end up getting hurt worse without one of her boys there, my aunt INSISTS she can do it and gets grandma to (facing each other) link her arms around my aunt's neck while my aunt hooks her arms under grandma';s shoulder and lifts to carry her the 20ft. SO I freak out and check the precogs see that moving her WON'T cause further harm and grab grandma's legs underneath/behind through my aunt's legs. to get her as gently and rapidly the 20ft to her bed. Then I had to hold her up in place while my aunt repositioned her grip to get her on bed so she won't fall off again....

And meanwhile, I'm asking my grandma all sorts of important questions TRYING to convince her and my aunt that we HAVE to get her real medical attention and x-rays and bloodwork -- especially since she's been sick with a cold/flu all week and she can't tell me when she last ate a real meal and she's still not completely coherent and she's in intense pain.  My aunt, still fritzing out, won't listen to me about calling ehr husband (a radiologist) to ask him if she should go in but ffeels like she can't leave grandma like this and is in an anxious flurry of "needingto  help" but clearly impatient. SO she puts away all the groceries while i talk to grandma, calm her down, find her phones, TRY to get her to understand why we NEED to take her in.

but I'm being over-ridden by her AND her primary health giver and as a grandchild, I'll always be seen as lesser younger more immature than her kids because of how generational dynamics work. And legally, I can't call if she could be arguably mentally competent AND her primary health executive agrees with her....

And they're so stubborn and combative and my aunt (who IS weird karmically about money) tells my grandma not to worry about the groceries they'll settle up later. So then my grandma sits up, throws up bile claiming it's form laying down on her back made her nauseous, and INSISTS she can get up now she can get her legs over the edge of the bed and get herself up. So then she's vertical and despite my aunt's insistence not to to worry but under it impatience and WANTING the money squared up, my grandma insists on walking tot he kitchen to write my aunt a bloody damn check for the groceries. And she STILL can't tell me when she last ate. Can't even remember she'd eaten a brownie "earlier" (one bite was remaining, stale, on the plate near her chair in front of the blaring TV which is why I mentioned it to ask her)  Won't let me prepare for her an orange juice and blackberry Izze to get something in her and me wanting to make her SOMETHING to eat. And she won't let me stay, says she's alright even though she's clearly not.....

My aunt can't get out of there fast enough, she's nauseous from her adrenaline and feeling like she's "sacrificed" enough of her one night of freedom from the twins. And my grandma won't let me stay no matter how I try. So I get grandma to let me put her phone in the pocket of her sweater housecoat "just in case" since once she fell she couldn't reach any of her phones. And I make her promise to call me or my parents if she feels ANY pain or anything to worry about. And then she insists I leave with Aunt Linda. So I help carryt eh garbage out and chill my aunt out before she's driving and HOPE grandma won't fall again (she didn't in any of my precogs) and then I rush to get to my parents after promising my aunt to be clear with my parents how bad tonight was AND that we'd try to get Aunt Linda a set of keys so she can at least get inside when running errands to know to call someone.....

So I get back and my parents are FREAKING out that grandma wasn't taken in to the ER and an ambulance called. And I told them I TRIED and insisted every step along the way that grandma NEEDED to be checked out because this would be too much for ANYONE'S body to not get x-rays and bloodwork.  And frankly, the chances of her having a pelvic fracture from EVERYTHING she's saying is quite high.  They're fritzing out about how she clearly can't live alone etc etc and I apologize TELL them I kept insisting but when grandma who is medically considered mentally competent still AND her primary health provider INSIST on what they did, how can I even legally stop them with the generational gap and me lacking any medical degree?! So they calm down a little but keep interrupting me as they spin out about having to go over there so my dad can make her go in. Until FINALLY I lose my temper after this week and everything tonight so I snap at my parents , "STOP INTERRUPTING ME! I know all this!! I TRIED to make that happen. I failed. legally, I couldn't insist and make that call without one of them giving me permission. Right now I am TRYING to give you all the pertinent medical information you need, objectively, not through someone freaking out, so YOU have a clear understanding of medical details they may ask when you check her in. Now shut up your monologuing what we all agree upon and let me give you that objective diagnosis and THEN you can rush out the door to triage this shit and save the day!"

Which actually worked. I hoped it would, instead of making them explode their anger on me, but i wasn't SURE it would work to yell at them and shock them into ceasing to interrupt me.  (My mum actually has a lot of experience with elder care within the family and my da gets deadly calm decisive in emergencies just the same as I do.)

So then they left after dithering over whether to leave their dog with me or take her to their house (they took her) and go try to convince my stubborn Scorpio grandma to go into the fucking ER (my da is a Capricorn and my mum a Scorpio -- so they can outstubborn her. As a Libra, I can CONVINCE her, especially when I can get her to think my way of seeing it is HER idea to begin with, but outstubborning her with me usually means making her see reason.)  So then I opened a bottle of wine, fed my dog her dinner, drank 1/3 of the bottle of wine before deciding to eat the California Roll my mama brought me from going to Takara with my papa for lunch and have been binge watching Girls (a comedy I can't respect a single character in it, except maybe Jessa who is a mess but an authentic honest mess, but I'm in the middle of binge watching to try to figure out what people see in it.)

And none of that even has a fuck thing to do with ANY of the recent drama (like Breaking Bad level shit in a life drama) with my cousins and their significant others that has had me so upset recently..... The stories that aren't mine to tell outside the family...Those are so much worse and so much more for all of us to carry than this recent unfolding of my grandmother's slow decline, some days better and some days worse, that played out tonight....

O, and about halfway through my bottle of wine, I clicked on the insta story of my close friend who's been living in Spare Oom 75% of the time since July because she'd been living with her parents in La Crosse since being released from in-patient a few years ago, but then her store closed in July and she got reassigned to Milwaukee location (a 3+ hour drive each way) but was thinking about not taking the job due to the distance til I insisted she could stay with me -- but she hasn't paid me rent at all and we have no end date for how long she's staying with me since she couldn't find an apartment in Milwaukee she could afford AND she has clinical manic-depression and has family verbal/physical abuse issues and been checked in after a serious suicide attempt. Because she's been in a depressive phase the last month and a half hasn't hit manic again and I know she'd not do anything at my place, but she doesn't always tell me if she's coming back or her timing... So yeah, I've been constantly fucking cleansing and recentering and recharging the energy in my space and I've resorted to keeping Spare Oom (where she mostly stays, with the door open, but rarely goes anywhere else except to pass through on her way to/from work, by her choices -- says it's what she's always done at home as well)  energetically bubbled off to quick cleanse it so nothing seeps out to the rest of the flat -- and that chronic energy drain is absolutely part of my chronic migraines recently and my shorter than usual patience with anyone's meaningless ego-driven middle school drama bullshit..... But. Anyway, I clicked on her insta story  to double check. (She was fine, it was my cat staring at her from the doorway with the song "I'll be watching you" playing and her just giggling in her bed and then a couple memes but none that raised red flags with me.) And it wasn't til my mouth was full of wasabi coated California roll (I like the spicy, but dislike soy sauce because it makes all the sushi taste of only soy sauce, lol) that I realized I'd let it run through Grant's insta story by mistake. (I didn't BLOCK or unfollow any of them, I just wasn't letting me click on them to watch.)

So I froze and thought, "Oh shit! I just broke my own no contact for my own mental health rule!" and then I saw it was pretty much all his trip to Havana and I relaxed said, 'Fuck it. Too late now. And Grant, Mike, and Ian ain't never done shit wrong by me other than what was done in their name by others in the band." So I drank some more wine and got to the last one, of him with that cat on his lap that he doesn't know, seems mildly terrified of but the cat looks EXACTLY like Spock and my internal response was, 'Eh fuck it! No contact is broken. And in for a fucking penny, in for a fucking pound... I want him to KNOW how eerily twin that cat is to my cat at home...." So I responded and dmed.

And I can't say if that's a good idea or a bad idea. But that's how it happened. Right around 9:15 or so. And my wine brain at the edge of my drama I can handle right now brain says, 'Fuck it. It's done. And seriously, that cat COULD be my cat's twin. Fucking uncanny valley!"

Fuck all if I know how I'll feel about that tomorrow or my feelings toward Eric now I broke my own "no contact with any of Delta Rae' rule... Because half bottle of wine decisions are DEFINITELY the best decisions of your life, lol. But fuck that all! I'm not even going to think about that right now. Now that I've vented, I'm going to go back to drinking my wine, eating some chocolate, and binge watching this comedic soap opera where I seriously can't relate to ANY of them but it's distracting me from my far more serious weights on my life due to family stress.

So.

How's your Friday night going then?

P.S. My parents got back to me at 10:30 thatthey FINALLY got grandma to get into the ER (in their car not an ambulance) and her blood pressure was high and they put a neck brace on her and were INCREDIBLY angry she insisted on being moved and didn't come in with an ambulance..... But they got her there eventually so that's at least going forward as it ought and the only way I KNEW it would go forward -- with my da getting involved the moment I heard his sister would be there and not just me using the key to check in on grandma....  So there's that. And all of it could have been done HOURS ago with way less stress/pain on everyone if anyone would have just fucking LISTENED to me about the best way to play this hand.....especially given how much I kept cheating with the short term precogs to be sure we didn't do any potentially permanent damage.... Fucking playing Cassandra. Story of my lives....