I don't like that this is the point it feels to me I have no other options but to cut ties. If there were any other solution I'd pursue it. Do you think I want to not feel his love inside me echoing in my silences? I don't remember what it's like not having that there -- so do you think I don't want to snuggle up into it find comfort there and to make it grow?

I hate the thought of cutting out all of it it, I hate everything about it. I just don't see anything else for me to do. I didn't make the choices that brought us here -- and I can't make the choices that would fix this toxicity at this point.

I had nothing to do with the decision for them to get involved in the one genre of music that consistently causes me more pain due to my synesthesia than any other.  I'm not the one who blocked me for an honest truth that she didn't want to face and thought it better to try to hide it. I'm not the one who not only chose to block someone but then chose to gaslight the entire situation refuse to acknowledge or respond to it for 13 months. I'm not the one who hasn't allowed anyone else to respond to it or deal with it. I'm not the one who's so petty as to continuously rub salt in that wound EVERY time things get even a little bit better between me and Eric. I'm not the one who as soon as I realized I couldn't touch her or hurt her decided to convince my brother he should be the one to do it because she couldn't be mad at him. (Spoiler alert: Yes, I can be mad at him when he acts like a bully and an asshole. Same as I can, and will, get mad at anyone for behaving that way.) None of those were my fucking choices. None of those were things I did in this situation.

I didn't do any of that bullshit. All I did was consistently say my truth, "X causes me pain because y" about the country music (which isn't even an issue anymore!) and the reactions, from both girls, was nothing but defensiveness and continuous bullying that culminated in blocking as ostracism as the way to deal with it. Not a bit of empathy, no understanding, no ownership of anything they ever said or did -- just continuous bullying behaviors for YEARS now. Including the recent continuously stating, 'Follow us on Instagram for our stories" rather than "follow us on social media" to continuously rub in the fact that that's the only social media we blocked people on and that if you're blocked you CAN'T follow or see.

If you want admiration, if you want affection, then the very LAST thing you should be doing is being a cruel bully -- you will NEVER get any accolades from me by being cruel. To anyone. You'll never get praise from me or anyone who's honest so long as you're guilty of intentional cruelty. All you'll get is sycophants who will tell you that the sun shines out your ass no matter what shit you do. You don't earn an honest person's admiration by choosing to be a bully. Ever. All you do is dig the hole deeper that you've created for yourself. And trying to get allies to bully for you because you're not getting the reaction you desire to your bullying just creates shit in their lives without doing a damn thing to better your situation or make you more likeable. Everyone with clear sight can see through it and see how small and petty and bitter your defensiveness makes you.  Continuing down this path, all Britt is going to do is break her brother's heart and make him learn to hate her even if he never expresses it out loud because she'll have taken from him in this life something that his soul needs in a way that she will never understand and that she doesn't have the power to ever fix if she breaks it -- she can only destroy by these choices she's made and continues making. She can't make anything good. Not by intentionally breaking things to try to insert herself into the center of everything.

I hate all of this. Every damn thing about it. None of it is what I wanted. None of it is what I chose beyond me choosing to be honest about choices that I never even made.

I hate knowing that he's hurting and I hate that in order to sever the connection I need to make me refuse to let me pay attention to his inner pain -- I don't want it to be that way. When he's hurting, I want to make it better. Full stop. I don't want to be the reason he hurts. I don't want to come between him and anyone else or anything else that matters to him. That's WHY my solution to his sister turning into a bitch and a bully and blocking me both on her personal page and then less than 24 hours later on the band page was for me to decide I was done and leaving so he'd not be stuck in the middle between us and for me to s[emd 6 months pushing him away so he couldn't reach me via the bond until I realized he might have no idea why I decided to cut him out. because i don't want to be the reason he hurts nor do I want to be between him and anyone or anything he loves. It's why i decided me leaving is the best choice i can make given his sister's continuous choices to be a bitch and a bully towards me.

I hate everything about this. It's not any damn way of behaving that i want. But it's where we are and I don't see what I could do to change it at this point since there's nothing I can do to fix what was broken or to keep it from continuously being broken and undermined and poisoned..

Cutting contact with everyone involved to avoid any further toxic interactions is the best answer I have given where things are at and the choices of other people. But that doesn't mean there's a fucking thing I like about it and I wouldn't choose differently if I saw another way out from this mess that was created by Eric's sister and him going along with her. This isn't what I'd choose, but this is the best answer I have based on the choices open to me.  So it's what I'm running with.

And I intend to continue running with it so long as it's the best answer I have with the way things are.


It doesn't matter how much love he can reach me with or how desperately I want to curl into that. Not so long as this other thing exists and is toxic and poisoning everything to do with his band. I can't fix this fucking mess his sister made and that he helped perpetuate and make worse -- and since there's nothing I can do to make any of this LESS toxic, I'm going to continue with the plan of no contact as the best I can do to purge out this toxicity that his sister created and he and his sister introduced into my life and keep reinjecting more poisons into it.