I was throwing up most of today,  actually started Sunday night.  Haven't thrown up since like 3, bit decided not to go to company holiday dinner at Fuji....  Had been really looking forward to seeing Vivian and Aunt Sondra and spending time with Mikaela (not to mention my excitement for hibachi steak and scallops!) but if I have a stomach flu not just ate something my body has been rejecting,  I don't want them to get sick because of me being selfish wanting to see them.... It's been nearly 12 hours since I last threw up bile,  bit I'm not hungry or thirsty,  though my lips are ddy enough I should try to drink some water or herbal tea.

I still don't feel anything but relief over having unfollowed Eric, it's a relief on me to not even have to worry about the bullying from his sister's creation using him as a means to reach me. I doubt he's even noticed,  he has enough followers not to notice my absence.  And now he can share anything he wants to from the band account or on the band account without upsetting me.  And he can post as much pitchy ass country music as he desires without it ever hurting me.  It frees him to do as he wants without the damage of causing me pain.

I have not unfollowed Mike or Grant on insta,  but I've internally put them back on no contact won't watch their stories. They've neither of them ever done any wrong by me or actively participated in Britt's campaign of bullying and ostracism the way her brother did.  I just don't want to see anything to do with Eric or Brittany right now,  I'm tired of being hurt and/or angered,  and either Grant or Mike might share something they have every right to share that would be hurtful to me at this point.

I still intend to put the inner bond to sleep,  either on the solstice or over the eclipse that's at like midnight on Christmas day. He won't hear me or be able to reach me and I won't be able to hear him or reach him that way.  It's the healthiest option given the amount of poisonous toxicity there now is after Brittany's 13 month campaign of bullying behaviors.  That toxicity can't be purged from my side, it can only be purged and actual healing happen from their side taking accountability of the damage they did and choosing not to keep doing it.  And I don't expect that from either one of them at this point.  Brittany's pride is too over-inflated for that and Eric is too easily manipulated by his sister's rationalizing his behaviors she made into bullying from him.  The only tool I have for removing all this toxicity from me is lopping it off (which isn't the same as healing it - cutting it out doesn't allow for any future interactions or rapprochement - it's literally just removing all points oc contact for the poison pf Britt's creating to reach me.)

I figure he'll be fine, not like it hit him in Ann Arbor pr Chicago at the start or Minneapolis at the end.  Because I was there at those shows.  Me being absent in the future,  he should be like he was at the Colorado and west coast shows where I had internally pulled away from him after the damage of how he behaved end of August and early September - but I wasn't there to be a reminder of the damage he'd done so he was fine. My presence would hurt him with all the damage of his and his sister's actions right in front of him - but my absence won't remind him.  He can just forget and let her poisonous rationalizing make him come to believe he never did anything wrong. He can focus on what is there, not at the absence of who isn't. And I don't actually know what the inner bond between us means to him or how aware of it he is - he may not dven notice its absence as nd the silence that will leave in him.

I just need to figure out if I think the 21 or 24/25 better for pushing him out from reaching me and putting the inner bond to permanent sleep this life.  I'd ask the Goddess which she thinks better, but she'll just tell me it's not the sort of thing she does....so I'll ask the Seelie.  They've done it for me before,  so they may be annoyed I'm asking them again, but they were party to the undoing of it once he stopped dating the scorpion chick who is the reason I asked to have overlays from him stop - so they can't be too annoyed. Or ask too high a price from me.  I hope.

And I'm not concerned about Britt trying to use her baby beginner magic to stop me.  She lost all her real power when the Goddess turned away from Britt stripped her of her powers last year and ordered me not to ever try to bring my old student back intercede for her after Brittany turned her venom on me a year ago.  She has no powers of the light now and the Goddess has actively been returning all her malice back home to roost over the last year....   The only powers Brittany has any connection to now is the voodoo vampire she sold her soul to 3 lives ago to get revenge on the man who raped her.  She's still only a servant to that voodoo king now - and he won't touch anyone protected by any true gods.  Let alone someone protected by the Goddess,  the hawk god,  the raven god, my guardian amgel Gabreel himself, and the entire Seelie Court..... Brittany can't touch me on the spiritual plane,   no matter how dark she's willing to dabble - ot will only rebound back on her and set those who protect me to seek her misery as a necessity for their chosen task of protecting me. Her only way to mess with me is on the physical plane,  and I'm done allowing her to use her brother as a pawn to hurt me.

I still love Eric dearly.  But I cannot trust him so long as he allows himself to be manipulated aby her and used as a pawn for her campaign of bullying and cruelty using the official band accounts to do it.  I hate having to shut him out put the bond to sleep,  but that is the only option left to me based on her continuous acts of cruelty and him allowing her to manipulate him to be her tool.