I just had one of the weirdest creepiest things of my life happen to me.... And I have long history of wyrd and creepy and downright dangerous "I should be dead what the fuck was I thinkong?!?!" stories in this life.....  And this one was really fucking weird......


I'm home,  door is locked and dead bolted. And I NEVER dead bolt except in hotel rooms.....   But I'm still shaken - I wish I had gotten around to buying new blinds for my room and the balcony as I've been meaning to since I installed the new windows/door...... I best find replacements or suck it up put up the old yellowed ones I hate......

I'm so hackles raised by this one though.....  Let me go change into pjs and make a cuppa yea and plug my phone in then I'll tap out on my phone this fucking bit of a wyrd night.....  You have no fucking idea just how shaken I currently am - and I'm not even sure of what precisely.....  I'll explain what happened to rattle me.  After I cozy myself up....  But right now,  I feel the urgent need to hide, like from a predator.... And...  I can feel that I am cocooned and protected inside energy shielding that isn't my own - the kind where nobody can find me or recognize me unless they physically touch me or have a VERY strong bond with me. And I still have goosebumps all over every inch of me,  just wanna curl up and hide and feel safe.

P. S.  I bought more stuffed bears at rhe zoo today. And the only pics I took at the zoo not of fiery leaved trees?  Of Nuniq,  our male polar bear.  He followed me all around the enclosure til a zookeeper had to call him by name to come eat.

He's a good bear.  And,  I like that one of our two polar bears is the son of the polar bear we had at our zoo here when I was growing up. (our female,  Berit,  is in her den snuggled down for the winter and the hope is the artificial insemination from the Chicago polar bear will be successful and there will be polar bear cubs here in the Spring!)

P. P. S.  Changed into pjs.  Both  my animals are laying on me guarding me.  On top of everything else....  May not get to making that cuppa tea after all.....

Tonight,  more than anything else in the entire fucking world,  I just want to curl up into Eric for comfort and to feel protected and at peace.  Both in my inner space and if it were possible,  in real life.... Honestly,  whenever I'm hurting or sad or scared, all I want is to curl up into Eric for comfort.  Not Dave,  not anyone else, just Eric.  Every time.  Doubt that'll change.  Even with the bond asleep. It hasn't ever changed in any of my past lives. It's just an instinctive thing,  even after the broken trust and all.  

And that's why it matters so,  even in little things.  Because my instinct IS to trust him,  no matter how he's shown me, in this life or any life,  he can't be trusted not to cave to peer pressure instead of having an ethical core.

P. P. P. P. S.  Still haven't written up about last night.  Having lunch and watching Howl's Moving Castle with the 14 year old.  (we watched Labyrinth before,  she'd never seen it before)

See this is the hard part.... The hardest part....

When I can hear his devastation and sadness inside him. Because that's how the bond works. it doesn't so much care the WHY or the fault or the guilt, it only communicates the is. It communicates what the other person is feeling, as they're feeling it. And the more intensely they're feeling it, the more intensely it's there inside you....it feels like your own but it has no reason, it just rings inside you and only when you trace it back to the source do you realize it's not your own even though it feels like it's yours and it tears you apart as if it's your own....That's how it is as an empath. And the stronger the attachment and/or the karmic bonds to a person, the more intense and strong their feelings are inside you....

So I know how Eric is feeling tonight.... And I know how devastated and hopeless and lost and hurting he is inside, regardless what he's showing others. I know because I feel it all inside me. Right now. Just as if it were all my own complex of emotions.....

But I can't fix that. And I can't help him through it. And I can't promise him it'll all be okay or that this is a nightmare. Because it is a nightmare but it's a waking one and it happened because of his choices. Choices he was pressured into making, but still his choices. And so it's a nightmare of his making. Sure his sister primed it and cocked the trigger and set him up -- but he's the one who pulled it. He's the one who did this to himself.

I can't tell him that there's anything healthy that can come from either him or me accepting a situation where my suffering doesn't matter to him. Where things he does that cause me hurt, that he KNOWS will cause me hurt, that there is no way for it NOT to cause me hurt, where we both just accept that as if it's an acceptable state of affairs. But it isn't. It can't be. It can't ever be accepted from anyone. Because there's nothing healthy that can ever be built from that.

It doesn't matter that Britt's pride and her refusal to admit she could ever be wrong, ever have done anything wrong, is the root cause of her defensive reactions a year ago that led to me being blocked for being honest.  I do not absolve her of that but there are no longer any ties between her and me and she will have to work out the negative karma of her pride on her own terms in her own time and without anything from me in the future.

It doesn't matter that Britt and Jessie told him over and over and over again that if HE was the one who went live, I couldn't possibly get angry or stay angry with him. This is squarely the guilt on their shoulders, same as Iago's guilt whispering in Othello's ear twisting reality. this too is karma on them that has nothing whatsoever to do with me now or in the future. Lies and twisting lies to suit a false narrative that you WANT to be true are some very severely bad negative karma, especially when it results in the destruction of another person's life or happiness as they did to Eric -- and that's on their souls as their choices.

It doesn't matter how I know these things because HE knows them, not because I was there in the room when it happened. That is an aspect of the bond between us and how it works when it's active... If Eric knows it or experiences it, I will. Especially if it ends up affecting his emotions strongly.

What matters is he's capable of willfully and knowingly choosing to do things he knows to be wrong and he knows will cause hurt to another when he's under the force of peer pressure.

That's a flaw in him. That's a mistake he made. That's something only he can work on, something only he can improve in himself. And only when he chooses to work on it, when he realizes it's a fatal flaw in him that requires his attention and dedication to alter. It's an old flaw in him, some of our old karma to work out is him caving to it and directly leading to my death 600 years ago and his inability to forgive himself for that. It's still a flaw in him he needs to work on -- and it's my fault given what I asked for in this reward life that we crossed paths before he had learned that lesson fully and passed the testing. So this suffering is also my fault because I created conditions under which he could find me too soon, before he had learned that it's never okay to knowingly do things that are cruel or will cause hurt to another because of peer pressure exerted on you.  I take the guilt for the suffering -- but I cannot absolve him of this flaw in him. Only he can work on it and fix it. Nobody else can. Same as nobody else could have broken it this badly to get us to this point.

And I can't trust him, not with my life, not with my love, not with anyone or anything that I love, not with my heart. I can't trust him with any of these things for so long as this flaw is a clear and present danger in his character.

And that is why, as much as it hurts, my best solution is that I must put the bond back to sleep and let him go and spend my energy and my love elsewhere. Give opportunities to others who deserve my love and have worked damn hard at their lessons to get to the point they have to find me and earn my love in this reward life. And it's why I can't allow the bond to reawaken until Eric has learned this lesson and learned it thoroughly and well. And until there's no possibility of the bond being awakened sabotaging my ability to form karmic bonds with anyone else or find happiness with others.

There may be other solutions. There may even be a way to salvage this before Sunday when it will have been one year from Britt's decision to try to cover up the truths she was unwilling to face followed by her pride refusing to admit she was wrong (and STILL refusing to admit she was in the wrong.) But these are solutions I don't see or I have rejected for the longer term damage they do since they would require moving forward as if this flaw and the damage and toxicity it creates in me, in him, and in our relationship to each other weren't a problem. And they are a problem. And will always be a problem. So long as Eric has within him the capacity to rationalize cruelty or bullying or intentionally causing hurt KNOWING it will cause hurt to another because peer pressure has told him it will be okay or it's the right things to do.

Nothing is set in stone til I put the bond back to sleep and then it will be done until the terms I give the powers involved in this have been met. But that's now only 3 days away.

And I genuinely have no expectations that anything will occur to alter this course. That isn't to say it couldn't happen. But I don't believe it will.

3 days left. And then I'll put the bond to sleep. And whatever it is he's suffering over that, he will suffer it in the echoing silence of not being able to reach me that way.... And that silence will endure for as long as this flaw is in him and as long as there is anyone or anything in my life that would be sabotaged by the bond reawakening.

And that is the best answer that I have been able to find these last months. The most fair and healthy and ultimately healing answer. If there is a better that deals with this situation fairly, I'll listen. But you have 3 days, and only 3 days, to come up with it and to bring it before me and to attempt to convince me on it. And no appeal to emotions will be convincing if the root problem of this flaw in Eric remains undealt with....

So yeah, I feel everything he's feeling right now as it all collapses and he can't figure out a way to salvage this or make it right and all he knows is how shattering this is to him at every conceivable level.... I feel it because he does.... And I know that after 3 more days, I won't feel it and he'll have to bear it alone.

And all I can offer him is the flimsy hope that he can use it to learn what he has to learn, to fix this flaw in him for real. And to pass all the tests the Universe throws at him to see if he really has  learned his lesson. And then to wait out the other condition, that it reawakening not sabotage anyone or anything else in my life that comes from lessons learned and earning a place in my current life and love instead of inheriting it from the past versions of us..... I can promise that if he can do that, then there will be a chance for something healthy instead of toxic to bloom between us -- but I can't promise him how long that will take or if it will even be in this lifetime or in some other lifetime..... I only know what is karmically necessary for the both of us before he can be allowed to try again. I'm sorry. That's just how it is....

And this is the best way I can find to achieve it with the least amount of heartache to each of us. It's not without heartache, but it is less than it would be if we tried to build anything with this toxic and fatal flaw in him still a part of it.

(I did warn that we were at a point this was a when, not an if. And all I promised was that WHEN it happened this time, it would not come from a place of momentary anger, but from a place of contemplation and communion with the Universe and a solution in which my heart, and my head, and my soul were all in alignment.)

This decision isn't really about one or the other,  nor is it about punishing Eric. It's about right versus wrong,  it's about the matters of principle surrounding what happened a year ago. And by that I mean Britt and whoever blocked me on the band page and what that means has been done in the name of the entire band.  I don't mean the show they did at The Majestic here in Madison that I didn't go to because it was presented by Q106 (a country radio station)  and I was still hurting about the decision to block me on the band page. Didn't go despite being half a block away having a coffee and no other plans for the night and Crissy swore she saw Eric walk by. Being blocked on the band page is also why I unfollowed and forced Eric to not be able to reach me via the bond from November til March last year until I decided it was unfair to punish people who hadn't done anything wrong and may not have known.

I did warn him there were two things poisoning everything between us - the country music and me being blocked on the band account.  I did warn him back in April/May that both had to be addressed and fixed if he wanted things between us to heal.  Because both are about him not caring about causing me pain.

Now they do know but have still done nothing about it.  And I know they know because I decided to be very open publicly about the block when Eric decided to end their kickstarter by going live on the band's instagram. And then he did it multiple times and nobody from the band even once responded to me on facebook or twitter saying that insta live was unfair and a form of ostracism due to fans being blocked for saying they didn't like the country music.  I had other fans attack and victim blame me,  but nobody from the band had the courage to address it.  And Eric chose to continue going live on the band's account,  including just him playing his piano and performing by himself which he used to do on his own account and him doing it on the band account right at that time frankly felt like an intentional passive-aggressive slap in the face for being vocal about what had happened and intended to be certain I and anyone else blocked on the band account couldn't see it. And those were all his choices,  his free will. He has nobody but himself to blame. He did that. Nobody else did it,  he did.

I have been unable to listen to any of their songs since he did that,  I don't want to.  And I haven't liked any posts from the band except the video of Leo because he's adorable and he's done absolutely nothing wrong is no part of the matter of principles that upset me. Also the one encouraging the use of non-plastic straws because it's a separate issue.  But I've spent a lot of time considering all of this since late August and early September when Eric chose,  in free will and multiple times even after being told why it was a form of ostracism,  that he wanted to be guilty of joining in the relational bullying.  True he hasn't done it since then,  at least not that I know of,  but it remains a matter of principles and of what he showed his nature to be and what he thinks is acceptable ways of treating people and whether or not he cares about being intentionally cruel and intentionally hurting others.  And all that thinking is what has brought me to the conclusion that there is no truth, only a venal desire for money,  when they say they care about their fans - especially when it's Britt or Eric who says it.  And,  I genuinely feel that a year to make this right,  a year in which you were told about it privately and publicly,  and you have done NOTHING about it, not even responded to it or acknowledged it, but instead continuously and intentionally made things exclusively available where you had created a system of ostracism and bullying is long enough. Everyone fucks up makes mistakes,  and everyone deserves a chance to make right from their mistakes if they're mature enough and not too  much of a coward to acknowledge their own mistakes.  (only a coward refuses to say,  "I was wrong,  I did wrong" to a person they hurt.  That's just a lack of basic compassion and a surfeit of pride if you can't admit you were wrong.)

But it's nearly been a year.  A year is more than sufficient time to figure out how to say,  "we fucked up.  I'm sorry.  Let me make this right." They've had nearly a year's worth of opportunities and nobody has addressed it or done anything about it. Eric only made it worse on himself. And a year to the day of me having been blocked on the band account is what I'm counting down to.  A year is the point at which I am done waiting or hoping for anything from any of them.  A year is the point at which I accept,  this is just who you are and you condone and take part in bullying via ostracism and then completely ignoring and gaslighting any attempt to talk about it or fix it.  Coming to grips with the fact that Eric not only condones that sort of bullying but willfully chooses to take part in it was the hardest part of the last year, last couple years including all the painfully bad country radio selling out choices.

Deciding that a year is long enough opportunities to make right this wrong was easy compared to accepting that truth about who he is and who he allows himself to be under the influence of Britt and Jessie encouraging him in it.  A year is far more time than almost anyone else would have given.

As for Dave. He only fits into any of this because he still is there still wants me even though I consciously chose no, not to give him any opportunities or chances, for all these years because I didn't think it'd be fair of me to date anyone else with such an active karmic bond and desire as there is between me and Eric.  I have stayed single a very long time now because it's not fair to whoever I would date if I'm strongly attached to someone else.  I still don't think it'd be fair of me to do to men whose fault is to not be Eric.  But now,  after the ethical lines Eric crossed in late Aug/early Sept, I don't think it's fair to me to allow that bond to keep me from seeking happiness elsewhere,  with someone who cares about if they hurt other people, who cares if they do things that hurt me. Even if I had precogged and knew that putting that bond to sleep would mean a lonely life that was empty of love,  I'd make the choice as a matter of principle at this point based on what Eric showed me by his actions in free will back in Aug/Sept to be his character at this point in his life.  He has allowed the toxic choices that Britt made to poison him into making toxic choices of his own.  At this point, Eric has nothing to offer me that isn't poisoned by all of this and now his part in it - and he has done nothing to try to fix it or clean up the mess so things could heal.

I ought to cut the bonds completely.... But instead I'm putting it to sleep again.  Indefinitely. Certainly until he has atoned and made right what he did wrong. Until he has chosen to be a person worth knowing,  one who wouldn't take part in any form of bullying or ostracism. And not til I'm at a point in my life where there's nobody else more deserving of a fair chance with me.  It'll stay asleep this time for as long as the Universe is giving me other options to pursue and as long as Eric chooses to be a person not worth knowing, a person capable of taking part in bullying and intentional cruelty.

That is the path we're on if nothing is fixed or addressed to change my mind.  And in four days,  it will have been one year since this was all set in motion. 4 days.

On the 27th is the one year point at which I am done and will send the bond to sleep with the help of the Sidhe and I'll unfollow them all on social media - even Mike and Grant and Ian who have personally never done anything wrong toward me except what was done in their name by being done in the name of the entire band.

Now I'm gonna go rest take a nap.  I have a minor cold/flu (mostly normal cold symptoms, but achey with chills) that's been going around work and I'd rather sleep to heal this last bit to be done with it in 36hours than prolong it by trying to force me do anything productive right now.

If you didn't notice, You mean everything (quickly I'm learning). To love again (all I know is) Imma be okay. Thought I couldn't live without you, It's going to hurt when it heals too. Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time.) Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to. Oh (It'll all get better in time.)

Today:
~Rainy morning, just wanted to stay home cozy and read. And all of the space near me and my spiritual friends were on that train. Dilemma? Had to pick up Aunt Geeta around 11, go to lunch, then take her to the airport between 2 and 2:30. And every moment I dallied at home was time I didn't get to see my aunt who I only get to see maybe once a year, for a couple days. But I desperately needed introvert recharge time. It was trying. But hey,  I hit my timing and energy just right.  As always,  lol.
~Made it to pick up Aunt Geeta by 11:15. Then hung out for a bit and Aunt Linda (da's sister, not Aunt Lynda mum's sister) stopped by so got to see her for the first time in ages. Then lunch at Nile. Then my pupkin and I took Geeta to the airport, got her there at 2:40.
~Spent the rest of the afternoon digging out sod in the garden keeping the weather sunny and bright and clear til Geeta got to Chicago and took off again AND til I finished this task in the garden. In one of my favorite sunshine golden silk sari skirts, lol. (as well as my prangey-red cozy sweater.)

Because that's how I get myself to go out on a gray day - I dress like sunshine and fall leaves,  lol.
~Then came in and made bourbon ginger beer drinks with mom and Sarah.
~Had an absolutely AMAZING conversation with AJ about what it's like to be both an empath and a medium in the modern world. She's a darling. And it was a conversation we both needed. Desperately needed. We really are soul sisters in a lot of ways. (We're mediums in very different ways and deal with different sorts of spirits, but we both help to shepherd the lost souls back to the light. She does it when they're fairly newly dead lost the thread, I do it when they've stayed too long or truly evil malicious unincarnated spirits.
~ALSO!!! My Aunt Geeta wanted one of the We Banjo 3 patches that look like Miss Audrey in a WB3 trucker hat -- doesn't know the band but took one look at it said, "Oh my God, that's Audrey! That's hysterical!" but I only bought 2 at the time. 1 for me, 1 for Mikaela. But I promised her that I'd ask Enda (who designs all the band merch and decides what stays and goes) if it was a one off or if there were more because my aunt wanted one. And I sent him my message with the preface "I know you only just got off the craziest tour schedule and are jetlagged need to hibernate, so no rush on an answer." And the darling lad got back to me at 6:30am, right before leaving to go fishing, that it was a test batch but he promised to make more and would ABSOLUTELY have them exactly the same design and dog in January when he sees me next -- but if it was time sensitive like to get it to her by Christmas, he'd contact all the different US merch folk in charge of holding stuff for them til they come back to the states to see if anyone still had any of the Audrey pup patches to mail me.  I thanked him profusely, said it could wait til January since I'll not be seeing my aunt before then and then told him to enjoy his fishing trip and between tours hibernation cuz he earned it!  Those boys man. They all take care of me whenever I ask or they think of something that would make me happy... Never seen anything like it! Not in all my years of befriend/dating/working with musicians! Just such darlings! And so considerate about me, in ways that I'd never even expect from them. No idea what I've done to deserve it. But I have been told, straight up, that they're going to keep me around and do whatever they can think of to make me want to stay for keeps.
And honest, I have no idea what the hell I did to deserve this from them! But it makes me go all melty weak in the knees from all those boys because it's so sweet. The truth is, the more I see of David and the more I know of him, the more I find in him that is good and wonderful and admirable and that I love. And David has systematically solved every reason I have had in the last 5 years for why I could break his heart if not careful but refused to allow myself to break it.  All except it won't be fair to him if I'm torn in two inside by feeling any pull toward Eric - and that'll mean closing down that karmic bond to Eric send it to sleep.  I won't lead Dave on without doing that, but I will do it and turn to Dave wholeheartedly as he deserves if/when that bond is put to sleep. And this time, I'll not let it reawaken or give another opportunity so long as Dave is in the picture in my life. This could be a block on the bond with Eric for the rest of this life as a direct result of the choices that he and Briit and Liz and whoever encouraged them in their toxic bullying behaviors told them they were doing the right thing.

Just another reminder that there's only love and sources of joy and constant consideration of me from Dave and his brothers (all of them) and his band.  And it's such a contrast to the way Eric has dealt with me in recent months or how Britt and the girls have dealt with me since for years,  ever since the "we're country now" mess fucked over everything.  Really,  it was so sweet that Enda got back to me so immediately and offered to use his all too little time with his wife and son to try to track that down for me.  It's a helluva lot healthier and more conscientious toward me than anything I've seen from Eric or his family over the last year.  It's just such a striking contrast,  the loving support from Dave and his brothers versus the gaslighting bullying from Eric and his siblings. The Universe is being VERY clear with me,  pretty damn constantly about not accepting what it is Delta Rae has chosen to put their name on and condone.   I'll not be accepting anything from anyone,  not even Eric,  if it's not healthy built on real foundations of him giving a fuck about me or treating me with conscientiousness for my own hurting. Also a weird synchronicity: both bands do a cover of Whitney Houston's Dance With Somebody at their shows. And they both started it at the same time. So i have associations of the song with both boys and both bands -- but more strongly with Dave and We Banjo 3, because I hear it more often and cumulatively it has brought me more joy because I've never had negative associations broguht into the mix from him or his bandmates/family.

5 days. Then I'll allow me to act based on how things are in 5 days. It'll be a good time with how thin the veil is this year and how strong the fae is right now.  Including the fae in me.  5 days.  Then I'm clearing out the toxic that everything related to Eric and Britt and Delta Rae has been twisted into.  5 days then I clear it out put it to sleep til there's something there not poisoned by such deeply toxic behavior patterns.  And then mid November will be my farewell,  from a place of acceptance and wishing them the happiness tgey seek on the paths  their choices have created. And then... I hope that by the time March 20 rolls around, and beyond it to the other releases, I'll be in a place healed enough to not feel a person emotional response (toward any of them collectively or individually) and to listen to them same as discovering anyone else's new music and love the music for what it is. Because outside of who any of them are or have been or any connections past/present or any choices they made and how that got us to where we are....beyond all that, the music is something wonderful that they have made (except for the Long and Happy Life EP and the recording of Seven Bridges Road and Silent Night on Blackbird Sessions EP and the most recent recording of If I Loved You and some of the other singles they released in the Spring to gt off the label-- those tracks are just absolute shit quality and most of them aren't even listenable they're so bad in their people pleasing venal desire to sell out and try to find fame at country radio.....)  And I miss being able to listen to the music and enjoy the music and love the music for what it is...... So I hope when I let go of the people and my disappointment in who they have spent the last years proving to me who they are and what they ACTUALLY stand for versus what they claim to stand for, well when I let all those emotions ago, I can at least come back to a place of being able to listen to and enjoy and appreciate the music. Same as I would if I heard it from any band I knew nothing about and had no emotional connections or associations with.....  Those are my current choices and goal and the path I choose based on what I have here for me to work with.

This is what my head and heart have both come to agree is best and my soul concurs says the only healthy way forward for me and for Eric with how things are now. It could be altered, it's true. There remain five days in which to alter it. But it would take a radical 180 of acknowledging what happened rather than being in denial about it or trying to sweep it under the rug and it would take a very real and genuine and concerted effort to make right what they did wrong. And I simply don't see any signs or reasons to expect that. Not from Eric. Not from Britt. Not from anyone in or affiliated with the band. And certainly I don't see it happening in the next five days which is all the time that remains to try to change me from this course of action. And nothing healthy can grow from a soil this poisoned -- not for Eric and not for me. Which is why no matter how it hurts, without righting this, I know there is no way to heal this or have any relationship that isn't toxic due to how toxic this poison is that was infused into the very root of it all....  They've all made their choices, this one is mine based on where things are due to the choices made and rationalized by them individually and collectively. Things could change in five days, I'll give the full year since Britt and whoever decided to block me fucked everything up and set Eric up to rationalize choices that forced this set of consequences. But it's also only five days, and I no longer expect a miracle from him to fix what has been so fucked up... I don't even expect any longer that he wants to change this or make anything better.

P.S. Been sitting on this with the window open but not ready to watch it for the better part of the month now til it felt right to watch it -- which was tonight. And it is spot on analysis for the situation I've been coming to grips with over the last year regarding both Eric and his kin and Dave and his kin. She's always right on her readings for both my sun (Libra) and rising (Pisces.) My moon (Capricorn) and Venus (Scorpio) are only occasionally applicable and generally only on matters of the heart, not just from her but from anyone, but my sun and rising? Always applicable. And that Libra reading for October is uncannily on point on this. Like straight up almost a personal reading level accurate.

Tarot By Bronx -- Libra 

Even the Leona Lewis song Better In Time that she mentioned popped into her head during that part of the reading... Damn. 

Naw,  I'll give the full 7 days. It's not like it'll be that long.  Plus I like the symbolic resonance and closure of giving a full year to right what was done.  And.  Honest.  I haven't the time to let go of connections completely and thoroughly.  And it ain't worth doing it if it ain't done thoroughly - the bleed through on the bond of our pain will just pull us back to each other as neither of us can handle when we know the other is hurting,  when we feel that hurt echoing inside us.  And the truth is,  we're both gonna hurt like fuck,  at any point we try to sever or even minimize the bond between us.  That's just fact.

But there are no terms of what has been demanded over the last year (last two years really)  that aren't abusive,  emotionally and mentally abusive, because they ask me to stay when you're willing and choose to willingly be party to behaviors that you KNOW cause me pain and are intended to do so. And those are not terms I'll stay for.  They are not something I'll be party to.

And that is the crux of where he fucked up, fucked up enough that it's now time to cut him off from any future to me.  Because he allowed peer pressure and manipulation to convince him that willfully and knowingly causing me hurt would have no consequences and could somehow EVER be justifiable or rationalized.  And that is how Eric has failed and failed and failed and is STILL failing.  And it's the reason he will lose me.  The only way for him to ever lose me is by his choices and his choices alone.  And he has continually made and supported the choices that he doesn't respect or care about me as a person.... And that's just the reality of his choices - no matter who he listened to along the way to rationalize it,  those were his choices.

He doesn't need to remind me why I love him and should love him - he's got that in the bag.  What he has to do is convince me he gives a damn whatsoever about me or my hurts or the consequences of his actions toward me. And that he has failed at so completely that I have no idea what he'd have to do to alter this fate that his actions and choices have manifested....

Facebook memories reminded me this morning how much I loved Hands Dirty right when it was released and how enthusiastic I was about it for that week before Britt fucked everything up by blocking me for being honest that I loved the song but was sad I wouldn't get to see it live due to the country music at live shows causing me pain.  And then after that,  I found myself unable to listen to any of their music right when the next morning listening to it for comfort was all I wanted following the Tree of Life synagogue shooting - and then that very day of the shooting somebody decided to block me on the band's account being honest that I loved the song but the country music at shows was painful enough to keep me from seeing it live.

And now we find ourselves at a point where the painful country music isn't a problem any longer - but there IS a problem from the undealt with bullshit of having blocked me and the system of ostracism they thus created and perpetuated and have all condoned since nobody has bothered to even acknowledge it let alone fix it.

And that is a problem entirely created by Brittany (and whoever blocked me on the band account if that wasn't her.)

But for a week,  I could and did love that song without any shadows or cynicism. Being reminded of that made me want to go back look/listen to things that made me so happy before and now just make me sad and hurt....  The love is still there,  but it's a love that no longer brings me joy,  it just makes me want to cry for everything so stupidly destroyed.... The love isn't gone,  it just causes me hurt and sorrow and disappointment now.  There's no longer anything of hope or joy in my love for any of them.... That's just gone,  destroyed by what Brittany did and then by Eric's choices in August/September for him to go live on the band account and never to even respond when I called him on why that was a problem and what his choices at that time taught me about him. There is nothing there that's worth me hanging onto now.... And Eric has no one to blame for me coming to believe that but his own actions and his choices.  Doesn't matter what anyone else told him that made him think it okay,  he still made those choices to do nothing to fix what was broken but instead to be an active participant in the system of ostracism and bullying.  He made himself guilty of that, knowingly guilty of it - nobody else did it to him.

It was a bit odd,  seeing that memory and being reminded that for a week I waa able to love Hands Dirty wholeheartedly instead of hearing in it only pain over what Britt did and a complete lack of belief in ANY sincerity in lines like "I will stand beside my sisters and all persistent resisters" - bitch no you won't,  you'll turn on them the moment they say any truth you're not ready to hear or don't want other people to hear or they have their own mind refuse to follow your lead.  That's the truth of your actions.

I know there's still 7 days left before the 1 year mark of that happening....  But I'm tired of hanging on when there's no point and everything they say/do rings insincere as a result of this.  I don't see any reason for believing that Eric or any of them  have grown a backbone and might fix this in the next 7 days - and nothing they say or do will reach me as sincere now without fixing this.  A part of me is tempted to not even wait out the remaining 7 days,  to just call it now and cut ties, both inner and outer, and be done.  I know I said 7 more days,  but I'm so very tired of carrying this mess....i don't see the point in carrying it another 7 days,  not even another single day,  knowing nobody's gonna do a damn thing to fix it and I'll just have to let it go then....  So what's the point in waiting another 7 days? What difference does it make?

At least that's how I'm feeling yesterday and this morning. Wondering what's even the point in waiting til the 27th to make it a full year of chances to make this right....  It's not like I have any reasons to suspect they'll do anything in those 7 days.  It's only about fairness of making it 1 year of chances that makes me hold my hand and wait.  Not because I expect anything to be done to change this in the next 7 days.

*sigh* It's a real shitty thing when something born of hope and strength gets twisted into a symbol of despair and disbelief, y'know?

I'm gonna feed the animals and shower and get ready for brunch with my parents,  and grandma,  and Aunt Geeta.  Whenever brunch is....

Things I am excited abput this week: Hailley's Comet making shooting stars for the first time since 1986!! Make sure you have your wishes ready!  Also,  Mikaela is off school on Thurs and Fri so I'll get some time with her, including tickets to Matilda the musical on Thurs night!

i'm so happy to have my Aunt Geeta here!!!  Traffic made getting across town about an hour's drive,  but it meant an hour's conversation with her and my pup and my Aunt Kath called before heading to bed (she is currently doing research in London during her two year long fellowship/sabbatical in Edinburgh) so got to talk to her a little too!  (Aunt Geeta is Aunt Kath's wife,  they've been together longer than I've been alive and they got married when it was first made legal in Boston, where they lived til I was about 25 or so. Geeta is Hindu (Kath is Buddhist), born in India sent to boarding school in the UK - disowned and the relationship not acknowledged to most of her family.  She has one of the prettiest accents and speaking voices I've ever heard, a refined British drawl with a slight purring Mumbai lilt to it and then a smoker's rasp layered over it. And both my aunts are wicked smart academics (Kath was a professor at Harvard and Geeta a professor at Wellesley,  Kath now heads the women's studies and asian studies departments at UV Charlottesville) who are keen socual justice fighters always on top of everything going on around the world....  Tonight at dinner with her and my parents,  we definitely discussed Bolsonaro,  Modi, Kashmir right now, the Kurds,  and the Uighers. Light dinner conversation,  lol. Aunt Geeta (who is a very dark skinned Indian) was actually in Charlottesville two years ago,  scared for her life some of the threats she was getting but she was one of the leaders within the interfaith leadership group that stepped up and protected each other and made sure everyone on student/faculty/religious communities who might be a target of hate were never by themselves. She was also in the crowd,  not even 10ft from Heather,  when the car ran Heather down.... Aunt Geeta was avtively triaging the minor wounds and emotional needs in that immediate aftermath....)

I'm very excited to bring her a stack of fantasy/YA book reccomendations and some teas for us to drink on Sunday!! I mean,  I believe she brought me tea from her niece's estate in India as usual,  but that doesn't mean we'll drink it.... She's at SEAC,  South East Asian Conference,  which has been bringing her to Madison in yhe third week of October since the 90s and thus I will always plan to not travel far from home then. But it runs Thurs thru Saturday.  So we'll be picking her up for brunch on Sunday then hanging out at my parents house chatting while my aunt,  mom,  and I watch dvred football (Packers game on Sunday and tonight's Broncos game Geeta's football team is the Broncos so she asked if we would since she has a dinner with colleagues.  Geeta's team is Broncos, Kath's is the Bears,  everyone else in my family who has opinions on football it's The Packers, although Sarah has the Cowboys as tie with Packers because she grew up in Texas so ehen they play eavh other she cheers for both teams,  lol) and dvred figure skating while my dad goes weight lifting.  My dad doesn't like watching sports - neither do his siblings. So Sunday and then most of Monday before her flight back to Charlottesville.

But,  before then.  I'm rather glad she has SEAC!  because tonight I'm headed to Chicago to see Frank Turner (EEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!  one of my forever favourite musicians. For over 15 years now!!!)  and then tomorrow night is symphony tickets! Next week also a bit busy....  Geeta's here through Monday evening, then Mikaela us off school on Thurs and Fri,  AND tickets to the musical Matilda on Thursday with her!  And then next Saturday The Drowsy Lads are at ICHC in Milwaukee - the converted Catholic church with the altar made a stage and a permanent bar in the back because it's the IRISH cultural Heritage Center,  lol. This concert is gen ad,  cheap tickets haven't picked up yet but in the calendar.  

But o it's so delightful to get to see Aunt Geeta again!!!!!  😁 And to know I get to look forward to seeing her more on Sunday and Monday!!!!  😁

Last night I had contingent precog dreams about Dave again...they were really sweet and beautiful.  I haven't had any about Eric since the one I mentioned that made me cry. And it'd been a long while before then.

As we reach the 1 year anniversary of Britt blocking me and then someone doing so on the band's official insta account (it's easy to remember, I was blocked the day after The Tree of Life Synagogue shooting..... Which is easy enough to remember since I was alone dogsitting with my Audrey Pupburn and my parents dog Sophie while my parents were at their cabin in Montana,  just me hugging two dogs as tight as possible,  feeling bereft and scared at the tangible proof of how bad antisemitism had become in trump's Merika,  and all I wanted was to listen to Morning Comes and All Good People to help me find some comfort with how much I was hurting - and I couldn't listen to them because they only upset me after what Britt had done by blocking me the night before for the honesty that I loved Hands Dirty but was sad I'd not get to see it live since the country music was causing me enough pain to keep me from shows.) I can feel the door swinging shut on any opportunity to address this and fix it.  He (and all of them)  are running out of time....  The one year anniversary of nothing being done by any of them to fix it isn't just a closing door - it's a locked sealed welded never to be reopened vault if they let this go undealt with past that anniversary.

One year is a lot fucking more time than anyone should have needed to figure out how to respond from compassion and fix this major fuckup someone did in the name of all of them. Past a year,  even the most optimistic soul must admit there's simply no interest in fixing it from any of them.

Part of the closing chapter right now is accepting that.  And accepting the proofs this fiasco has shown me that when they say they care about their fans,  as people,  they really mean they only care about the money and the revenue stream they represent.  And that is what this last year has taught me - and what I read as subtext in Eric's posts claiming their fans are their lifeblood or how much they love the VIP shows meeting people....  Naw,  you just love the extra money that brings in and the ego boosts of being told the sun shines out your arse - you don't actually give a fuck about your fans qua humans. If you did,  you'd give a fuck about fixing a bad situation that was created from a lack of basic humanity and compassion on the parts of Liz,  Britt,  and whoever made the decision to hit block in the name of every member of the band.  I will never believe there is any truth,  in any of them,  stating how much their fans mean to them as a result not just of that occurring, but of the complete silence and gaslighting from all of them whenever it has been brought up.

And the chance to do a damn thing about that is nearly over.  There's only a week and a half left before your window of opportunity to repair this is shut and locked forever. And if this isn't dealt with,  isn't repaired,  there is no chance whatsoever of fixing anything or healing anything with me in this lifetime, because I don't believe you or trust you if this is the sort of behavior you will condone and let represent you.  Period.

It's that simple.  It's that straightforward.

And Eric is nearly out of time.  He doesn't have til mid November to win me back or at least convince me to stay and give him a chance, like he thinks he does - he has til one year of apathy and silence on righting this wrong done in the name of the band makes it canon that they all support and condone it.  Because once that is made manifest,  there is literally nothing he can do to even begin to repair the trust that was shattered nearly a year ago now.  And without trust,  there is nothing real he can have or build with me.  Now or ever.....

We are at the point of only ten days left. Nine days til the anniversary of the shooting in the synagogue that as Jewish American shook me hard - and happens to be the same day that Britt decided to block me for my honesty the country music was painful enough for me to keep me from seeing Hands Dirty live, as much as I loved the song and what it stood for.  10 days til the anniversary of the decision to block me from the band's official account and making that band policy for how you deal with a fan's pain that they created by their choices and behavior.

It's not that I call them liars per se.  At least not intentionally so..... It's only that I am a firm believer that in any discrepancy between words and actions,  you must always believe the actions for setting your expectations and how you read their character. This is especially true for actions (or inactions) that have been continuously repeated - especially when repeated across months or years.

So I'm believing what the actions (and inactions)  of Delta Rae and whoever they let represent them tell me.  Nothing more and nothing less than their actions.

Ten days.  That's it.  That's the time limit on fixing this fuckup the girls made.  He gets nothing more.  And without fixing it,  there is such a fundamental breakdown in trust and my belief in sincerity from him or anyone in the band regarding their fans that I see no way to ever build anything better than me walking away and leaving them and cutting him off from reaching me via the karmic empath bonds......

Ten days and then it's done.  A full cycle of seasons closes the book on righting this wrong they did. Ten.  More.  Days.

Had an absolutely delightful time at the show on Sunday,  but you can stop worrying,  I'm still single,  lol. He's in an incredibly good place internally, best I think I've ever seen him,  but he didn't make any moves or ask me out or anything like that.  Just lots of grins and hugs and long lingering eye contact (especially during certain lines - a couple of them obvious enough to make Amy sitting right in front of me and to the right whip around to look at me,  lol) and thanking me for existing in his/their life.

It was most notable in Don't Let Me Down, because he's been very open about how that is about his own poor mental health and a love song to his past self when he's been in a bad place.  And normally,  it's fairly somber,  all of them but especially his brother Martin just want to hug him during it while he relives the places he's been.  But this time is the first time I've seen him happy and hopeful playing it (first song of the encore) and his inner state reminded me somehow of the music video they did for Don't Let Me Down - a music video  which IS a message of happiness and hope. and a love story.

It was just striking.  (especially since the last time I saw/heard it live,  I was front and center,  holding Erin (who has CPTSD and I know from the band and met at shows introduced by other friends in Crew) while she sobbed and had a breakdown during it, and just pouring love into her while singing along making eye contact with them. A lot of people I care about who have depression issues or have family who have depression issues cry and I end up hugging and holding during Don't Let Me Down and Hold Onto Your Soul (which the band wrote after a very emotionally hard interaction with a fan whose son who had been coming with her to shows for years had recently committed suicide. So they wanted to write a song for people to turn to for love and support and remind them to keep holding on through the dark time.)  In fact,  I think at this point,  Dave and the other boys have seen me holding other people together hugging them and loving them and supporting them through that song at shows more times than they've seen me any other way during that song.)  Anyway,  it was a strikingly gorgeous rendition of Don't Let Me Down this time!!

Had a sudden bad migraine yesterday afternoon so haven't done much since getting back from the shows.  Later today, Mikaela and I are going book shopping after school.  Tomorrow my Aunt Geeta gets in town for SEAC (South East Asian Conference - brings her to Madison every October for a visit since the conference moved here about 8 years ago.  Which means getting to see her every year and often Aunt Kath - though she's on a teaching fellowship in Edinburgh right now) so I'll be picking her up at the airport tomorrow afternoon.  Then Thurs back to Chicago for Frank Turner show,  then symphony tickets on Friday,  then Friday night Geeta will be done with the conference staying at my parents house so I'll be spending LOTS of time with her/them rtil her flight back to Charlottesville on Monday!

Actually,  I have a LOT going on the rest of this month....  Somehow,  it got very full of concerts and plans.  No Halloween plans,  but tons of plans before then....

In addition to the migraine yesterday,  I definitely have bursitis in the subscapular bursa of that right shoulder.  I'm not going in,  nothing they'd do for it.  It just hurts.  A lot.  Under the scapula where the shoulder joint meets the shoulder blade.  Where your wings grow.  😉 Anyway.  I can take antiinflammatories and rest it and ice it (though it's a spot that is best iced while laying on your stomach and having someone else ice it....icing it by myself doesn't work as well. Turns out,  my flatmates lacking opposable thumbs and being single means I have to do it myself. Downside of having a dog and a cat and a bird for roommates,  lol.) So of course my idea of resting it is that I'm planning to spend today hauling around books (to resell at Half Price Books and buying new ones) and gardening and digging out sod re-edging the border and probably hauling bags of mulch if I finish edging everything....  That's definitely how you rest your shoulder when it's burning with bursitis right under ths shoulder blade....  But d I do need to finish in the garden before snow comes to stay..... And bursitis takes about 2 weeks of rest to heal... Better I make it worse and get the job done then let it fully heal. 

And  I'll get to see Mikaela around 5ish tonight and we're gonna go use my extra 15% off entire purchase coupon at Half Price Books! 😁 She's my favorite 14 year old!!  And I have an iron on patch of a banjo puppy that the boys made randomly in the last month or so,  looks exactly like my Audrey Pupburn!!  I hadn't seen it til Sunday and got super excited for it - which made Enda (who designs all their merch) super chuffed!!  And he definitely told the girl next to me when she was demanding the story wanted to know whose dog it is, "Oh that's my dog!" Then turned and brazenly winked at me. It looks nothing like his and Gillian's dog.  Or Fergal and Ruth's dogs who are grey and black.  Or Annabelle,  Martin & Kiana's 13 year old Pomeranian they rescued as a stray in Galway, she has a tune named after her. Anabelle's Cannon,  which just sounds like a happy puppy exploring and frolicking in the woods! (Dave doesn't have a dog.  He also doesn't have a wife and family at home for the dog to stay with while he's on tour.) Anyway,  this patch is absolutely and completely my Audrey Anne Pupburn!  And I can't wait to see Mikaela's reaction to her patch I bought her of Miss Audrey in a WB3 hat,  lol.

Tell me that doesn't look exactly like my baby girl little old lady 12yo bitch immortalized forever as their WB3 pup! Tongue lolling out and all!

Also. And this is unrelated to Dave or We Banjo 3. This morning, I woke up after my migraine passed. (one of the worst I've had in many many years...and my laptop was at work and so I had no music in my bedroom to help carry me through the pain.... And music is the only thing that does help....) and for the first time since end of August,  it was quite in my stillness inside of me.  I didn't hear Eric's sorrow and hurt and anger at himself echoing inside me.  It was completely quiet. I didn't know what to make of it, to be honest.  I spent most of September and early October trying to block it out and still being ambushed by it unexpectedly. It was strange not to hear his anguish over these last months inside me.... I genuinely didn't know what to think or feel.  I guess,  more than anything else,  I wondered if the bond had been put to sleep again - though if it was, it wasn't my doing.  But when I hesitantly said his name and thought of him inside my inner space,  there was an absolute rush of love and tenderness from him poured into me and...he seemed surprised disbelief but happy surprised to hear me reaching for him along the bond... Soon after that the rain started and I just lay in bed listening to it snuggling with my dog and cat,  trying to understand what shifted in him and why....  And I dunno.  But all morning now,  if I think of him,  there's that same rush of love and tenderness and something determined but also like he's afraid of breaking it if he's not careful and gentle right now..... But no longer that sadness makes me feel like it'll drown me or angry with himself. Just an intense rush of his love and tenderness for me and a desire to just hold me and make sure I know this is in him....but less about his need, more grown up and focused somehow, about him being determined wanting me to know and feel how deeply and tenderly he does care about me...  And only if I think about him or reach along the bond toward him to check in see how he's doing.

It's something new. And I'm uncertain what to make of it.....

P. S.  I saw last week or so in a post that Liz Longley added to her tour dates that she'll be opening the Chicago and Minneapolis dates for Delta Rae.  Which made me really happy - she's delightful and someone I go see just to see her!  So that made me happy,  and gave me a something to look forward to about those shows.

P. P. S.  The more I see of Jessie and the more I get to know of her,  the stronger my aversion grows.  There is a deep corrupting evil in her that she hides behind a false facade.  And it poisons everyone and everything that she gets close to.  And the worst of it is that she hides her bad influence behind her falsely assumed good nature and laughter and only increases by small increments her cruel lack of compassion and rationalizing of evil actions so it goes unnoticed how far those influenced by her have strayed from any concept of good and justice.  She is evil,  an insidious toxic slow seeping poisonous evil.  And the more I see of her,  the more glaringly obvious it becomes. I don't know that it's a conscious thing,  I prefer to believe it isn't and that it's just repressed unexamined tenets of how she was raised... But even if unconscious, a bad philosophical influence is a bad influence.... I will never welcome her or trust her or trust ANYONE who gives her their ear or lets her into their life.

She is evil,  and she corrupts all she touches - I will not let her touch my life.  And anyone who chooses to have Jessie Roesch involved in their life marks themselves as someone I cannot trust and will not allow any further into my life.  Period.  This is non-negotiable.

Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dying to tell you anything, you want to hear. Cause that's just who I am this week. Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum. I'm just a notch in your bedpost, But you're just a line in a song. A notch in your bedpost, But you're just a line in a song. Drop a heart, break a name. We're always sleeping in, sleeping for the wrong team. We're going down, down in an earlier round -- And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.

Now I didn't say I WANT that to be the way it goes, that after the three shows in November I decide I'm done with Delta Rae and all its members are dead to me -- I just said the odds are stacking up that way.

I'd PREFER a path where I can have what I fucking want, which is all I've ever actually wanted. A path where this mess is dealt with and cleaned up and solutions are found to keep it from happening again. That's what I'd RATHER! But it's not the path we're headed on and I'm going to be realistic rather than optimistic without seeing any real change. Especially in light of Eric's choices HE made back in late August and early September.

*shrugs* My reasons I believe the odds are that I'll unfollow the band and the members of it after the November shows and dead them?
1) I'm still blocked on the official band instagram account. I can't care about their music or wish them any success as long as that's the way it is -- and that IS a constant reactionarg state of mind/heart with me and it reflects backwards keeps me from even being able to listen to or share or enjoy their songs that I spent NEARLY A DECADE loving with my entire heart, listening to constantly, attending over 30 shows, and converting scores of people into new fans of the band over those years... As for when I was blocked. There was never any warning, no dm asking me to keep public posts positive, no response to the comment itself -- nothing but blocking me out of the blue for being honest that the country music caused me pain due to my synesthesia (which the girls at least had known about from the very start of the "we're country now" decision, whether or not they shared that information with any of the guys is unknown to me, but both of them knew) and would keep me from attending future shows. That is what happened, plain and simple -- and no amount of spinning it differently to yourself so as not to admit you were wrong or rationalizing what was done will EVER change those facts of what happened. And that behavior is not EVER acceptable to do from a PR management "you are your product" perspective AND basic "don't be an asshole shit human" perspective. It's simply NEVER acceptable. The band will be dead to me if we pass a YEAR of this bullshit, especially now they no longer have the easy out excuse of their management which I gave them to take if they wanted when i reminded them this is still an issue and STILL they did nothing to fix this. If that's the way you treat ANY fan, let alone one of your longterm diehard fans, then fuck you -- I do not support you as a band and WILL NOT support your music. This is NOT a small fuckup. Even before it was left to fester this long and become an issue of morals and principle. It was never an acceptable way you treat ANY fan. EVER.
2) Nobody has EVER addressed, acknowledged, or even RESPONDED to me from the band about it despite various messages for OVER A YEAR both publicly and privately on multiple platforms to the official band account AND personal accounts. Nobody even had the decency to RESPOND about it. They just all participated in the gaslighting of it pretending it isn't real and isn't happening and I'm not blocked when I am. And that is a reflection on the character of ALL of them and EVERYONE who currently represents them or has over the last YEAR. This is a statement about who they are, what they stand for, their complete lack of compassion/empathy, and what they consider acceptable ways to treat another human being.... And at this point, it IS an indictment on the characters of ALL of them that NOBODY stepped up and said or did ANYTHING about it. EVER. AT ANY POINT. Including when i was publicly attacked by other fans (on the band's facebook and twitter) back in August with other fans rabidly victim blaming me that I must have done something wrong because nobody ever involved with the band would ever do anything like that.
3) I will never compromise on an issue of ethics. EVER. And you will NEVER get a pass from me if you do anything intentionally cruel and hurtful to another living being. And I will NEVER give you a pass for not feeling and SHOWING remorse and ATTEMPTING to make amends once it has been brought to your attention that your actions DID cause hurt and were cruel to another living being. We can discuss how not to have a fight over it, but on any question of "was this right?" I will NEVER bend or compromise or stop calling out bullying in all its forms for what it is. Ever. I never have before in any life and I don't intend to start now.
4) I have no trust, whatsoever, for Britt or Liz. (And also I have no trust for Eric any longer. I expect to be hurt by him every time I see anything from him since his behavior and choices in August -- particularly since I DID tag him directly about the issue the very first it was announced HE would be going live on the band's instagram account to which he also remained complicit in his silence (while responding to asinine jokes about potatoes to other diehards -- which is just a stupid typo, none of the jokes/obsession is even entertaining, and is going to get an actual potato chucked at the band onstage if they keep encouraging it) as well as him following Britt's lead on the ostracism and bullying via the band's instagram account.  At this point whenever I see anything from him or involving him, instantaneously my hackles go up and I brace myself EXPECTING to be smacked and hurt by him because I let him in enough that he CAN hurt me and he's shown me that he will do so without any hesitation or remorse ever since his choices in late August and early September. And that's something only he can address and even begin to fix.... )  I EXPECT to be hurt by them every time I see anything posted anywhere from them at this point. I expect to be hurt by what I see, and I expect to be hurt by whatever they post on the band account I can't see. ANYTHING they post, I flinch like I expect to be smacked and steel myself for whatever it is. THEY taught me that. THEY are the ones who have to fix that if they want anything but wary distance from me and in my eyes. I will be polite, but I will not trust them on the terms of what they have offered me over the last two years. And while I forgive, I do not lie to myself or anyone else and I will not rewrite history in the name of forgiveness or making a false peace. You make peace with me on the grounds of acknowledging the past mistakes, never by sweeping them under the rug trying to pretend they never happened.... So I will forgive, for my sake, but I will not forget and if you never apologize or try to make right what you did wrong or show any remorse or try to grow to be a better person, I cannot and will not trust you to be anything other than what my experiences have shown you to be. No amount of forgiveness will EVER repair broken trust. not with me, not with anyone else. Not even with an animal if you smack it.

These are the things that have been broken that I NEED addressed and fixed if you want me to stay.... And those are the reasons that at this point I believe the odds are about 89% I will walk away and let ALL of them go and never think of them or their music again after the November shows. And it doesn't MATTER what you do to try to remind me of what I love(d) or try to win me over or impress me -- if you don't address and fix these 4 fundamental issues, then ANY and EVERY thing you do to try to make me love you is trying to build a house on a sand dune with no foundation or supports. It can't hold anything together to try to do that, it'll just make the inevitable collapse more tragic than it already is..... You have no solid ground without working on these 4 issues -- so none of anything else you do will hold together. It will only make me feel more intensely the sorrow of watching it all collapse when by all logic and laws of attraction it should have stood for ages and lifetimes and eons....

Is it fixable? Yes.
Is it easy to fix? No.
Does it require honesty and acknowledging mistakes that were made? Yes.
Is it something i can do any damn thing to fix at this point we've now reached? No.
Will I walk away from the entire situation if it's left this toxic and nothing is done about it? Yes.
Will I be able to listen to ANY of their music (already written or not yet written) if this isn't cleansed and healed? No. Never again.

And that's where it's at. And why I say I expect that I will wash my hands of them, unfollow them everywhere, take down their signed posters to roll them up and hide them at the back of a closet, and cease to allow me to ever think about them or support them. because that's what WILL happen without anything being done to address those 4 foundational issues that have destroyed absolutely everything and without fixing them NOTHING can be built and NOTHING they do (collectively or individually) can earn back any admiration or love or affection from me. Nothing gets better without fixing those 4 problems. And there will be no improvement, no success at ANYTHING you do to try to remind me of how much more we have in common than difference and why we OUGHT to be together and make me fall in love again with all that is lovable in you. Not until you fix these 4 things that they managed to destroy and poison.

And that is why, I say this is all a fucking mess and needs to be cleaned up, one way or another. And it's also why at this time, I expect that I shall be leaving and have nothing more to do with Delta Rae or any member of the band after the 3 shows in November. Shows that I bought tickets for in June KNOWING from precogs that if I didn't do it then (when they first went on sale while I was still hopeful that once independent they'd go back to having an ethical backbone and fix this bullshit mess) that the precogs told me despite all my best hopes they'd somehow manage to do something to upset me so I wouldn't want to go to the shows and if I didn't already have tickets I'd walk away forever not give them ANY chance to make anything right. I bought those tickets when they went on sale KNOWING with complete certainty that I'd be in this turmoil and this upset by September/October. And I bought them anyway. In full knowledge of reaching this point somehow. That was the optimist in me, believing that somehow if I just held on long enough it'd come out right. But now we're getting so close to reaping the seeds of what they have sown and have done nothing to heal, that I'm no longer an optimist on this. I'm forced to be a realist.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Fallout Boy song "Sugar We're Goin' Down" which has been stuck in my head 75% of the time over the last 2 weeks except a few notable earworms or when tehre's other music playing to drown out this song on repeat in my head.  Luckily, I love me some Fallout Boy -- and a lot of other emo rock -- it's a well known musical love of mine throughout my life and I've attended Warped Tour many many times in my past, practically every year throughout the aughts, lol.]

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name, And it feels like home. When you call my name, it's like a little prayer, I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. In the midnight hour, I can feel your power. Just like a prayer you know, I'll take you there. I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing. I have no choice, I hear your voice. Feels like flying. I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling, Out of the sky, I close my eyes. Heaven help me.

Morning Clarification Post:

I'm not saying that I won't:
1) encourage or say yes to Dave,  not even tomorrow
2) decide the situation with Eric (and his sister,  since she is who/what made it this toxic) is too much of my energy going into it and not enough in return so it's become toxic to us both and my life in this lifetime would be better without it.

There is still better odds I decide I'm done with them, make my inner peace with that,  and walk away.  The odds are still that I make that choice following the 3 Delta Rae shows in November and then I see it through before the year is out.

What I'm promising is that I won't leave in anger,  in a fit of pique. I won't throw in the towel as punishment or emotional leverage. When I go,  it'll be sorrowfully but with clear-headed certainty that it is the healthiest thing for everyone under the circumstances and given the choices that have been made and are being made at the time.  That is all I'm promising,  that I'll not leave in a destructive flash of losing my temper... And that's all I'm promising at this time.... I'm not promising I won't go.... Just that if/when I do,  it won't be done in anger.

Please understand it remains a very real possibility.  That's one of many sharp-edged truths you do need to take into account and handle with care: over the last two years and especially over the last year choices made in the name of the entire band have nearly pushed me to that point I decide leaving and cutting ties will be best and healthiest for everyone at this time, given the options I see.....

[Post Title: lyrics to the Madonna song,  Like A Prayer.]

I'm not going to do anything stupid. Not right now. Things ARE fucked up, and ain't shit been done to fix it -- but I'm no longer in such a temper as to do anything permanent and stupid. Stupid is what I do when my temper flares up, burning everything to the ground saying, "Fuck it I'm done" is what I do while my temper burns out of control, but it's not what I do once it burns itself out.  I'll admit I never quite know what I'll destroy with my words and "fuck it, let's just destroy it all if we can't fix it" mentality that I get when I'm angry -- and most of the time I lose my temper, I end up rather broken afterwards aghast at what the hell I just did and what I may have destroyed beyond any healing or fixing....

And the worst of it... Whether you get my anger that burns hot like a forest fire or your get my cold righteous wrath over a matter of ethics and justice , the way I handle my temper is I speak truths. But I speak horrible truths. I wield truths like swords, the ones I always know and always carry but that I know that people aren't able to face.... truths that they aren't ready yet or strong enough yet to face and accept, that I've KNOWN they aren't ready to hear or face because to hear them without healing/building them to be better will only destroy them. And when I'm angry, those are the truths I speak. But also, it's far more devastating in person than in written form because if you've ever seen me angry in person, I don't speak these truths in an angry tone of voice -- I speak them completely coldly, matter-of-factly, factually as if they are truths that everyone knows and nobody has ever told you but EVERYBODY knows it except you - same as if I were explaining photosynthesis or why dogs pant instead of sweat when they overheat....  It's far more devastating in person. And then on top of that, when I lose control of my temper, there's always a strong energy release that SCARES people, terrifies some -- especially since I do go all Carrie on shit when I lose my temper or even just get minor annoyed. I fry electronics, destroy all bluetooth/wifi/cell signal like I'm creating a faraday cage around me, zap lighbullbs and overload circuits....I've only shattered glass when angry once -- it's mostly anything electronic, anything that is energy based, that I fry when I lose my temper.

Which is why this life I work sooooo fucking hard to control it.... Because me losing my temper is a bit of a force of nature and it's devastating and scary. And most people don't deserve it. And it's also why I've trained myself when I feel my anger building to a point I know I'm about to speak truths edged like knives, not caring what damage they do while I'm angry, I'll often choose to run away and leave the situation to NOT put anyone through that. To let me cool down and to come back and let us work to solve it instead of me spewing who knows what sharp-edged truths at them and pummeling them with the raw force of my chi while the lights flicker and all the phones/laptops/TVs suddenly fail with error codes that don't exist and reset themselves. Don't worry, I don't let me anywhere near any expensive electronics even when annoyed, or hangry. I can also, even when in a cheerful mood but just too much spirit energy flowing through me, play with distortion effects on speakers using just my hands from like 5-10 ft away. And when I'm irked, it happens in waves without my meaning to. Which is, again, why I work really hard this life on controlling my temper. I don't always succeed, but I DO work at it, and I'm trying really hard!  Turns out though, that anyone with power enough to force dark ghosts to the light and to fight evil dark spirits that never did incarnate (what I do in my free time, ad hoc) is a helluva lot too much on modern electronics when she loses her temper, lol.

But. I do have the flight response when angry and it started as a means to control myself so I won't destroy everything while my temper is burning hot. But I reckon that doesn't work so well when the way you could truly destroy everything is if you DO run off and abandon it and say, 'Fuck it I'm done with this shit!"

But staying means speaking even harder to bear truths, ones with even sharper edges, and I dunno that that's something anyone involved can handle in this situation -- especially given the intensity of defensiveness and bullying I experienced from the girls in response to the very straight forward truth that offkey vocals, especially country twangs, cause me physical pain......That's a fairly dull edged truth and one that is obvious to anyone who's even the slightest bit observant -- hell I've had other people in a crowd (at multiple concerts, restaurants, doctors offices etc) ask me if I'm okay when a country song has come on and they see me flinch and wince at it. It's obvious enough it causes me pain that an observant person, not even an empath, can tell. Empaths feel my pain like THEY'RE being hit with a whip because of how loud and strong my energy is -- so it means that in crowded places with any percentage of empaths there, I not only feel the nerve pain, but then I have to make my shielding as powerful as possible to keep all that pain inside me bubbled off to not reach other people and hurt them -- and that is energetically physically exhausting at the level I have to do it just to make ti through one song without my pain causing pain to other empath but instead only being visible to anyone observant enough to see me flinch or wince at it......  But it's something complete strangers see, any/every time I'm exposed to offkey vocalists, so I really don't consider it a hard-edged truth at all that off-key and twangy vocals cause me physical pain and they WILL stop me from going to shows...and yet, that's how ttey responded to it and the girls made such a fucking mess of various forms of defensiveness and bullying in response to that dull edged obvious truth. I can't imagine what they'd do if forced to confront the sharp-edged truths they refuse to face.......

I said some much more hard-edged truths in the recent posts though. Not to them, but here. From while I was angry. I didn't realize I could still be so angered about it.... It was really the precogs set off my anger. because I didn't think it fair that I should have to fucking bear those as well, that I be shown it and expected to care enough to say/do things to change their fate lines,  after everything else I've been asked to carry in this very one-sided uneven and unfair relationship thus far.....

All that said though, the point of my flight response when angry is to NOT destroy everything with the truths I say and the power behind them when I lose my temper.... And that means I should only react that way if/when I intend to come back after I cool down. If the logic behind it is to NOT destroy everything, so as to have a better foundation from which to come to an understanding and make things better, then it's only valid so long as there's an IMPLICIT promise that once I cool down I'll come back. Without the promise I'll come back after I cool down, it's just another way of destroying everything......

So it's valid for me to say, "I cannot handle the hurt of this right now (especially when I'm hurting over other things -- when I'm in pain, my control over my temper frays significantly  as does my patience with anything that is bringing me more pain than joy at the time) and I'm going to say things we'll both regret me saying if I stay." ONLY IF AND WHEN I also include the promise, "When my temper cools down and I'm not hurting so much, I'll come back. We can figure out how to fix things then, if you still want to. Once I am no longer so hurt and angry and more inclined to destroy than to heal, then I'll return."

I think that's fair. I think me saying, 'Fuck it I'm done and I'm never coming back, I'm just DONE!" without ever giving the other party a chance to make things better or to fix anything or to even understand what in seven hells I'm so upset about is NOT fair of me....  Not to Eric, not to anyone involved in how we got to this point. Frankly not to anyone ever. So I'm going to work on curtailing the "fuck it I'm done and never coming back or giving you a chance to try to make things better" -- that's not something I desire to have in my character, it's not a version of me I wish to be.... I only get to leave when I'm hurt and angry when my leaving includes the promise that after I cool down and my temper burns itself out I'll come back so we can try to fix things.

I'm going to work on that. That's the goal. And it's something that my normal logical not in pain and not angry self will remember for me, no matter what is said in the heat of anger.

Happy 48 Hours Before the Full Moon in Aries and Mercury Just Went Into Pre-shadow Day.

Sorry.......

I really am better now. All my plants made it inside before the frost except the perennials in the bed and the petunias, snapdragons, and marigolds which SHOULD be okay with this light frost....Unhappy, but okay til I figure out what the hell to do with them to bring them in, lol. Today I brought in the last of them that NEEDED to come in. Then Mikaela and I had Chinese food while my parents and her mom and some other coworkers had a games night (I'd have joined in but 1) Mikaela wanted some time with me and 2) Karissa uses hand sanitizers/lotions from bath & Body Works that cause me instant headaches.... And I've brought it up, and she immediately apologized and switched stopped using the problematic scents -- but this is the third one and now I just feel mean. they don't smell BAD, the synthetic perfumes just give me instant headache and in an enclosed room, while still recovering form my migraine, I just couldn't...I'd have been down with another migraine if I'd tried. Synthetic perfumes, also a problem for me.)  Anyway, after we finished taking care of the plants and eating and then watering the newly repotted imaptiens and begonias, we made tea and curled up on the couch to read with the doggos snuggled up with us.

My plan for tonight HAD been to lay a fire in the hearth and sit by the fire to read as much of the Tearling trilogy as possible (it's officially "cozy snuggle up with a fire and tasty drinks and good music and books you wish to devour in as few sittings as possible and read them as long as your stomach and bladder and the rest of the world will fucking allow" season, lol. Officially. This season basically runs until "I have work to do in the garden making happy plants and flowers and veggies grow in between a ridiculous amount of concerts and festivals" season. Spring and Fall are just sort of the handoff between the two main seasons, lol. It means that outside of work and concerts and walks/hikes and helping my grandma run errands and cooking delicious meals, if you want to see me then you damn well better be in the mood to curl up and snuggle and hermit hibernate with me til Spring....because that's basically what you get from me once we hit crisp air season. O, and also watching football and figure skating -- both religiously. And soccer matches and gymnastics and winter x games whenever I catch them -- and honestly pretty much any other sports you want to add into the calendar of sports we must watch on the regular is fair game as long as it's not golf, fishing, bowling, or cricket. (The first three are boring af and I really don't fucking get cricket...) I'm also not too keen on tennis or baseball except the Cubs because that's my baseball team, but if you want to watch it I'll curl up to read while you watch it and not mind if baseball is on. Just don't expect me to get excited about baseball -- because I just don't....But, curling up with snacks and tasty beverages for sports is all a part of crisp weather hermitting-hibernation mode, lol. As is writing and sketching, actually.)

Anyway, fire and reading snuggled up at home with the animals and force chilling myself to not do something stupid WAS the plan.... But between time with Mikaela til nearly 11pm and then plans for brunch with my parents and grandma at 10am....I think a cozy fire I haven't yet started is wishful thinking at this point.... But!! I can come in right after brunch tomorrow to work and find homes for all the plants of my jungle taken over shipping shipping and water all my indoor plants and get as much done outside in my flowerbed as possible and THEN go home and shower (preemptively) and lay a fire and read and read and read to my heart's content til whenever I have to meet up with Crissy on Sunday to meet up with Alana, Maddie, and Gus for the Sunday We Banjo 3 show!!! That sounds pretty fucking perfect to me, tbh!

(Alana was going through a super rough patch of depression and her sister Gus wanted to go to the show but couldn't afford tickets for all 3 of them and the other 2 don't have the money and Gus didn't realize it was assigned seats til too late and they all wanted to go and I knew that the place Alana was in she NEEDED something to look forward to with people who love her to help her hold on so I decided to gift them tickets buy them for the ease of my own soul.  They'll be driving separate, from La Crosse, or maybe Appleton, they have much plans this weekend, but we're thinking to meet in Chicago area and figure out something that doesn't cost too much money to do. Maybe Lincoln Park Zoo. Or, if I take them to Pl-zn, the 3 of them have never been to the National Museum of Hispanic Art and it's super cool AND free unlike the Art Institute! Plus, there's a super awesome place near there for brunch/cocktails/dinner. Though knowing Alana and Gus, if we say Nando's for dinner (even though Crissy and I find it overpriced good but not great chicken) it'll be absolute perfection for them...and that's worth the overpriced Peri Peri chicken. ALSO, they have Dole Whips, identical to the ones at Disney, at Nando's restaurants in the states!!! So there's that to look forward to!!!!)

Also. this poor little fledgling sparrow.... I hope he makes it through the night.....

Poor guy came to the door wanted to come in when he saw the geraniums were in and recognized me and the dog from working in the garden.... But he couldn't be left inside the building by himself overnight. Not even in the vestibule. Not just the mess he might make, but more prosaically, he'd set off the motion detector alarms.....  He's not yet full grown, he hops as much as flies, and he doesn't have all his adult feathers yet.... I made him a nestbox and lined it with packing styrofoam to insulate and then filled it with torn up tissues and after some talking to him and sunflower seeds, got him to bed down into it after I put it in the now empty flower pot that housed the begonias. It's not ideal, a coyote or fox might eat him -- but without a nest of his own or a flock to help him out, he'll die tonight with it getting all the way down to 32...And this was the best I could do for him that would be up off the ground and sheltered from the wind carrying it away.... I really hope I don't come back tomorrow to find his poor lil body dead from the cold asleep in the nestbox I made him.....

Can't leave it for good,  but I thought for tonight it was the best I could do for him before I head home....  Poor wee babykins....  If I could,  I'd have brought him in somewhere warmer - but that was best I could do so unexpectedly.

P. S.  Talked to Mikaela (whose ONLY social media is Instagram and thus dming her is my only motivating reason to sign up and use it) bout Insta lives no longer staying up 24hrs automatically instead disappearing for some users but still working normal for others.  She told me it's the new instagram for iOS update everyone hates and it's ONLY iphone users whose insta lives now disappear immediately after they end them. No idea if it's permanent or not.  Android is thus far unaffected.  At her high school,  people are apparently bitching about it as reason enough to switch from iphones to android if not fixed immediately.