~Rainy morning, just wanted to stay home cozy and read. And all of the space near me and my spiritual friends were on that train. Dilemma? Had to pick up Aunt Geeta around 11, go to lunch, then take her to the airport between 2 and 2:30. And every moment I dallied at home was time I didn't get to see my aunt who I only get to see maybe once a year, for a couple days. But I desperately needed introvert recharge time. It was trying. But hey, I hit my timing and energy just right. As always, lol.
~Made it to pick up Aunt Geeta by 11:15. Then hung out for a bit and Aunt Linda (da's sister, not Aunt Lynda mum's sister) stopped by so got to see her for the first time in ages. Then lunch at Nile. Then my pupkin and I took Geeta to the airport, got her there at 2:40.
~Spent the rest of the afternoon digging out sod in the garden keeping the weather sunny and bright and clear til Geeta got to Chicago and took off again AND til I finished this task in the garden. In one of my favorite sunshine golden silk sari skirts, lol. (as well as my prangey-red cozy sweater.)
Because that's how I get myself to go out on a gray day - I dress like sunshine and fall leaves, lol.
~Then came in and made bourbon ginger beer drinks with mom and Sarah.
~Had an absolutely AMAZING conversation with AJ about what it's like to be both an empath and a medium in the modern world. She's a darling. And it was a conversation we both needed. Desperately needed. We really are soul sisters in a lot of ways. (We're mediums in very different ways and deal with different sorts of spirits, but we both help to shepherd the lost souls back to the light. She does it when they're fairly newly dead lost the thread, I do it when they've stayed too long or truly evil malicious unincarnated spirits.
~ALSO!!! My Aunt Geeta wanted one of the We Banjo 3 patches that look like Miss Audrey in a WB3 trucker hat -- doesn't know the band but took one look at it said, "Oh my God, that's Audrey! That's hysterical!" but I only bought 2 at the time. 1 for me, 1 for Mikaela. But I promised her that I'd ask Enda (who designs all the band merch and decides what stays and goes) if it was a one off or if there were more because my aunt wanted one. And I sent him my message with the preface "I know you only just got off the craziest tour schedule and are jetlagged need to hibernate, so no rush on an answer." And the darling lad got back to me at 6:30am, right before leaving to go fishing, that it was a test batch but he promised to make more and would ABSOLUTELY have them exactly the same design and dog in January when he sees me next -- but if it was time sensitive like to get it to her by Christmas, he'd contact all the different US merch folk in charge of holding stuff for them til they come back to the states to see if anyone still had any of the Audrey pup patches to mail me. I thanked him profusely, said it could wait til January since I'll not be seeing my aunt before then and then told him to enjoy his fishing trip and between tours hibernation cuz he earned it! Those boys man. They all take care of me whenever I ask or they think of something that would make me happy... Never seen anything like it! Not in all my years of befriend/dating/working with musicians! Just such darlings! And so considerate about me, in ways that I'd never even expect from them. No idea what I've done to deserve it. But I have been told, straight up, that they're going to keep me around and do whatever they can think of to make me want to stay for keeps.
And honest, I have no idea what the hell I did to deserve this from them! But it makes me go all melty weak in the knees from all those boys because it's so sweet. The truth is, the more I see of David and the more I know of him, the more I find in him that is good and wonderful and admirable and that I love. And David has systematically solved every reason I have had in the last 5 years for why I could break his heart if not careful but refused to allow myself to break it. All except it won't be fair to him if I'm torn in two inside by feeling any pull toward Eric - and that'll mean closing down that karmic bond to Eric send it to sleep. I won't lead Dave on without doing that, but I will do it and turn to Dave wholeheartedly as he deserves if/when that bond is put to sleep. And this time, I'll not let it reawaken or give another opportunity so long as Dave is in the picture in my life. This could be a block on the bond with Eric for the rest of this life as a direct result of the choices that he and Briit and Liz and whoever encouraged them in their toxic bullying behaviors told them they were doing the right thing.
Just another reminder that there's only love and sources of joy and constant consideration of me from Dave and his brothers (all of them) and his band. And it's such a contrast to the way Eric has dealt with me in recent months or how Britt and the girls have dealt with me since for years, ever since the "we're country now" mess fucked over everything. Really, it was so sweet that Enda got back to me so immediately and offered to use his all too little time with his wife and son to try to track that down for me. It's a helluva lot healthier and more conscientious toward me than anything I've seen from Eric or his family over the last year. It's just such a striking contrast, the loving support from Dave and his brothers versus the gaslighting bullying from Eric and his siblings. The Universe is being VERY clear with me, pretty damn constantly about not accepting what it is Delta Rae has chosen to put their name on and condone. I'll not be accepting anything from anyone, not even Eric, if it's not healthy built on real foundations of him giving a fuck about me or treating me with conscientiousness for my own hurting. Also a weird synchronicity: both bands do a cover of Whitney Houston's Dance With Somebody at their shows. And they both started it at the same time. So i have associations of the song with both boys and both bands -- but more strongly with Dave and We Banjo 3, because I hear it more often and cumulatively it has brought me more joy because I've never had negative associations broguht into the mix from him or his bandmates/family.
5 days. Then I'll allow me to act based on how things are in 5 days. It'll be a good time with how thin the veil is this year and how strong the fae is right now. Including the fae in me. 5 days. Then I'm clearing out the toxic that everything related to Eric and Britt and Delta Rae has been twisted into. 5 days then I clear it out put it to sleep til there's something there not poisoned by such deeply toxic behavior patterns. And then mid November will be my farewell, from a place of acceptance and wishing them the happiness tgey seek on the paths their choices have created. And then... I hope that by the time March 20 rolls around, and beyond it to the other releases, I'll be in a place healed enough to not feel a person emotional response (toward any of them collectively or individually) and to listen to them same as discovering anyone else's new music and love the music for what it is. Because outside of who any of them are or have been or any connections past/present or any choices they made and how that got us to where we are....beyond all that, the music is something wonderful that they have made (except for the Long and Happy Life EP and the recording of Seven Bridges Road and Silent Night on Blackbird Sessions EP and the most recent recording of If I Loved You and some of the other singles they released in the Spring to gt off the label-- those tracks are just absolute shit quality and most of them aren't even listenable they're so bad in their people pleasing venal desire to sell out and try to find fame at country radio.....) And I miss being able to listen to the music and enjoy the music and love the music for what it is...... So I hope when I let go of the people and my disappointment in who they have spent the last years proving to me who they are and what they ACTUALLY stand for versus what they claim to stand for, well when I let all those emotions ago, I can at least come back to a place of being able to listen to and enjoy and appreciate the music. Same as I would if I heard it from any band I knew nothing about and had no emotional connections or associations with..... Those are my current choices and goal and the path I choose based on what I have here for me to work with.
This is what my head and heart have both come to agree is best and my soul concurs says the only healthy way forward for me and for Eric with how things are now. It could be altered, it's true. There remain five days in which to alter it. But it would take a radical 180 of acknowledging what happened rather than being in denial about it or trying to sweep it under the rug and it would take a very real and genuine and concerted effort to make right what they did wrong. And I simply don't see any signs or reasons to expect that. Not from Eric. Not from Britt. Not from anyone in or affiliated with the band. And certainly I don't see it happening in the next five days which is all the time that remains to try to change me from this course of action. And nothing healthy can grow from a soil this poisoned -- not for Eric and not for me. Which is why no matter how it hurts, without righting this, I know there is no way to heal this or have any relationship that isn't toxic due to how toxic this poison is that was infused into the very root of it all.... They've all made their choices, this one is mine based on where things are due to the choices made and rationalized by them individually and collectively. Things could change in five days, I'll give the full year since Britt and whoever decided to block me fucked everything up and set Eric up to rationalize choices that forced this set of consequences. But it's also only five days, and I no longer expect a miracle from him to fix what has been so fucked up... I don't even expect any longer that he wants to change this or make anything better.
P.S. Been sitting on this with the window open but not ready to watch it for the better part of the month now til it felt right to watch it -- which was tonight. And it is spot on analysis for the situation I've been coming to grips with over the last year regarding both Eric and his kin and Dave and his kin. She's always right on her readings for both my sun (Libra) and rising (Pisces.) My moon (Capricorn) and Venus (Scorpio) are only occasionally applicable and generally only on matters of the heart, not just from her but from anyone, but my sun and rising? Always applicable. And that Libra reading for October is uncannily on point on this. Like straight up almost a personal reading level accurate.
Tarot By Bronx -- Libra
Even the Leona Lewis song Better In Time that she mentioned popped into her head during that part of the reading... Damn.
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