See this is the hard part.... The hardest part....

When I can hear his devastation and sadness inside him. Because that's how the bond works. it doesn't so much care the WHY or the fault or the guilt, it only communicates the is. It communicates what the other person is feeling, as they're feeling it. And the more intensely they're feeling it, the more intensely it's there inside you....it feels like your own but it has no reason, it just rings inside you and only when you trace it back to the source do you realize it's not your own even though it feels like it's yours and it tears you apart as if it's your own....That's how it is as an empath. And the stronger the attachment and/or the karmic bonds to a person, the more intense and strong their feelings are inside you....

So I know how Eric is feeling tonight.... And I know how devastated and hopeless and lost and hurting he is inside, regardless what he's showing others. I know because I feel it all inside me. Right now. Just as if it were all my own complex of emotions.....

But I can't fix that. And I can't help him through it. And I can't promise him it'll all be okay or that this is a nightmare. Because it is a nightmare but it's a waking one and it happened because of his choices. Choices he was pressured into making, but still his choices. And so it's a nightmare of his making. Sure his sister primed it and cocked the trigger and set him up -- but he's the one who pulled it. He's the one who did this to himself.

I can't tell him that there's anything healthy that can come from either him or me accepting a situation where my suffering doesn't matter to him. Where things he does that cause me hurt, that he KNOWS will cause me hurt, that there is no way for it NOT to cause me hurt, where we both just accept that as if it's an acceptable state of affairs. But it isn't. It can't be. It can't ever be accepted from anyone. Because there's nothing healthy that can ever be built from that.

It doesn't matter that Britt's pride and her refusal to admit she could ever be wrong, ever have done anything wrong, is the root cause of her defensive reactions a year ago that led to me being blocked for being honest.  I do not absolve her of that but there are no longer any ties between her and me and she will have to work out the negative karma of her pride on her own terms in her own time and without anything from me in the future.

It doesn't matter that Britt and Jessie told him over and over and over again that if HE was the one who went live, I couldn't possibly get angry or stay angry with him. This is squarely the guilt on their shoulders, same as Iago's guilt whispering in Othello's ear twisting reality. this too is karma on them that has nothing whatsoever to do with me now or in the future. Lies and twisting lies to suit a false narrative that you WANT to be true are some very severely bad negative karma, especially when it results in the destruction of another person's life or happiness as they did to Eric -- and that's on their souls as their choices.

It doesn't matter how I know these things because HE knows them, not because I was there in the room when it happened. That is an aspect of the bond between us and how it works when it's active... If Eric knows it or experiences it, I will. Especially if it ends up affecting his emotions strongly.

What matters is he's capable of willfully and knowingly choosing to do things he knows to be wrong and he knows will cause hurt to another when he's under the force of peer pressure.

That's a flaw in him. That's a mistake he made. That's something only he can work on, something only he can improve in himself. And only when he chooses to work on it, when he realizes it's a fatal flaw in him that requires his attention and dedication to alter. It's an old flaw in him, some of our old karma to work out is him caving to it and directly leading to my death 600 years ago and his inability to forgive himself for that. It's still a flaw in him he needs to work on -- and it's my fault given what I asked for in this reward life that we crossed paths before he had learned that lesson fully and passed the testing. So this suffering is also my fault because I created conditions under which he could find me too soon, before he had learned that it's never okay to knowingly do things that are cruel or will cause hurt to another because of peer pressure exerted on you.  I take the guilt for the suffering -- but I cannot absolve him of this flaw in him. Only he can work on it and fix it. Nobody else can. Same as nobody else could have broken it this badly to get us to this point.

And I can't trust him, not with my life, not with my love, not with anyone or anything that I love, not with my heart. I can't trust him with any of these things for so long as this flaw is a clear and present danger in his character.

And that is why, as much as it hurts, my best solution is that I must put the bond back to sleep and let him go and spend my energy and my love elsewhere. Give opportunities to others who deserve my love and have worked damn hard at their lessons to get to the point they have to find me and earn my love in this reward life. And it's why I can't allow the bond to reawaken until Eric has learned this lesson and learned it thoroughly and well. And until there's no possibility of the bond being awakened sabotaging my ability to form karmic bonds with anyone else or find happiness with others.

There may be other solutions. There may even be a way to salvage this before Sunday when it will have been one year from Britt's decision to try to cover up the truths she was unwilling to face followed by her pride refusing to admit she was wrong (and STILL refusing to admit she was in the wrong.) But these are solutions I don't see or I have rejected for the longer term damage they do since they would require moving forward as if this flaw and the damage and toxicity it creates in me, in him, and in our relationship to each other weren't a problem. And they are a problem. And will always be a problem. So long as Eric has within him the capacity to rationalize cruelty or bullying or intentionally causing hurt KNOWING it will cause hurt to another because peer pressure has told him it will be okay or it's the right things to do.

Nothing is set in stone til I put the bond back to sleep and then it will be done until the terms I give the powers involved in this have been met. But that's now only 3 days away.

And I genuinely have no expectations that anything will occur to alter this course. That isn't to say it couldn't happen. But I don't believe it will.

3 days left. And then I'll put the bond to sleep. And whatever it is he's suffering over that, he will suffer it in the echoing silence of not being able to reach me that way.... And that silence will endure for as long as this flaw is in him and as long as there is anyone or anything in my life that would be sabotaged by the bond reawakening.

And that is the best answer that I have been able to find these last months. The most fair and healthy and ultimately healing answer. If there is a better that deals with this situation fairly, I'll listen. But you have 3 days, and only 3 days, to come up with it and to bring it before me and to attempt to convince me on it. And no appeal to emotions will be convincing if the root problem of this flaw in Eric remains undealt with....

So yeah, I feel everything he's feeling right now as it all collapses and he can't figure out a way to salvage this or make it right and all he knows is how shattering this is to him at every conceivable level.... I feel it because he does.... And I know that after 3 more days, I won't feel it and he'll have to bear it alone.

And all I can offer him is the flimsy hope that he can use it to learn what he has to learn, to fix this flaw in him for real. And to pass all the tests the Universe throws at him to see if he really has  learned his lesson. And then to wait out the other condition, that it reawakening not sabotage anyone or anything else in my life that comes from lessons learned and earning a place in my current life and love instead of inheriting it from the past versions of us..... I can promise that if he can do that, then there will be a chance for something healthy instead of toxic to bloom between us -- but I can't promise him how long that will take or if it will even be in this lifetime or in some other lifetime..... I only know what is karmically necessary for the both of us before he can be allowed to try again. I'm sorry. That's just how it is....

And this is the best way I can find to achieve it with the least amount of heartache to each of us. It's not without heartache, but it is less than it would be if we tried to build anything with this toxic and fatal flaw in him still a part of it.

(I did warn that we were at a point this was a when, not an if. And all I promised was that WHEN it happened this time, it would not come from a place of momentary anger, but from a place of contemplation and communion with the Universe and a solution in which my heart, and my head, and my soul were all in alignment.)