Facebook memories reminded me this morning how much I loved Hands Dirty right when it was released and how enthusiastic I was about it for that week before Britt fucked everything up by blocking me for being honest that I loved the song but was sad I wouldn't get to see it live due to the country music at live shows causing me pain.  And then after that,  I found myself unable to listen to any of their music right when the next morning listening to it for comfort was all I wanted following the Tree of Life synagogue shooting - and then that very day of the shooting somebody decided to block me on the band's account being honest that I loved the song but the country music at shows was painful enough to keep me from seeing it live.

And now we find ourselves at a point where the painful country music isn't a problem any longer - but there IS a problem from the undealt with bullshit of having blocked me and the system of ostracism they thus created and perpetuated and have all condoned since nobody has bothered to even acknowledge it let alone fix it.

And that is a problem entirely created by Brittany (and whoever blocked me on the band account if that wasn't her.)

But for a week,  I could and did love that song without any shadows or cynicism. Being reminded of that made me want to go back look/listen to things that made me so happy before and now just make me sad and hurt....  The love is still there,  but it's a love that no longer brings me joy,  it just makes me want to cry for everything so stupidly destroyed.... The love isn't gone,  it just causes me hurt and sorrow and disappointment now.  There's no longer anything of hope or joy in my love for any of them.... That's just gone,  destroyed by what Brittany did and then by Eric's choices in August/September for him to go live on the band account and never to even respond when I called him on why that was a problem and what his choices at that time taught me about him. There is nothing there that's worth me hanging onto now.... And Eric has no one to blame for me coming to believe that but his own actions and his choices.  Doesn't matter what anyone else told him that made him think it okay,  he still made those choices to do nothing to fix what was broken but instead to be an active participant in the system of ostracism and bullying.  He made himself guilty of that, knowingly guilty of it - nobody else did it to him.

It was a bit odd,  seeing that memory and being reminded that for a week I waa able to love Hands Dirty wholeheartedly instead of hearing in it only pain over what Britt did and a complete lack of belief in ANY sincerity in lines like "I will stand beside my sisters and all persistent resisters" - bitch no you won't,  you'll turn on them the moment they say any truth you're not ready to hear or don't want other people to hear or they have their own mind refuse to follow your lead.  That's the truth of your actions.

I know there's still 7 days left before the 1 year mark of that happening....  But I'm tired of hanging on when there's no point and everything they say/do rings insincere as a result of this.  I don't see any reason for believing that Eric or any of them  have grown a backbone and might fix this in the next 7 days - and nothing they say or do will reach me as sincere now without fixing this.  A part of me is tempted to not even wait out the remaining 7 days,  to just call it now and cut ties, both inner and outer, and be done.  I know I said 7 more days,  but I'm so very tired of carrying this mess....i don't see the point in carrying it another 7 days,  not even another single day,  knowing nobody's gonna do a damn thing to fix it and I'll just have to let it go then....  So what's the point in waiting another 7 days? What difference does it make?

At least that's how I'm feeling yesterday and this morning. Wondering what's even the point in waiting til the 27th to make it a full year of chances to make this right....  It's not like I have any reasons to suspect they'll do anything in those 7 days.  It's only about fairness of making it 1 year of chances that makes me hold my hand and wait.  Not because I expect anything to be done to change this in the next 7 days.

*sigh* It's a real shitty thing when something born of hope and strength gets twisted into a symbol of despair and disbelief, y'know?

I'm gonna feed the animals and shower and get ready for brunch with my parents,  and grandma,  and Aunt Geeta.  Whenever brunch is....

Things I am excited abput this week: Hailley's Comet making shooting stars for the first time since 1986!! Make sure you have your wishes ready!  Also,  Mikaela is off school on Thurs and Fri so I'll get some time with her, including tickets to Matilda the musical on Thurs night!