And the worst of it... Whether you get my anger that burns hot like a forest fire or your get my cold righteous wrath over a matter of ethics and justice , the way I handle my temper is I speak truths. But I speak horrible truths. I wield truths like swords, the ones I always know and always carry but that I know that people aren't able to face.... truths that they aren't ready yet or strong enough yet to face and accept, that I've KNOWN they aren't ready to hear or face because to hear them without healing/building them to be better will only destroy them. And when I'm angry, those are the truths I speak. But also, it's far more devastating in person than in written form because if you've ever seen me angry in person, I don't speak these truths in an angry tone of voice -- I speak them completely coldly, matter-of-factly, factually as if they are truths that everyone knows and nobody has ever told you but EVERYBODY knows it except you - same as if I were explaining photosynthesis or why dogs pant instead of sweat when they overheat.... It's far more devastating in person. And then on top of that, when I lose control of my temper, there's always a strong energy release that SCARES people, terrifies some -- especially since I do go all Carrie on shit when I lose my temper or even just get minor annoyed. I fry electronics, destroy all bluetooth/wifi/cell signal like I'm creating a faraday cage around me, zap lighbullbs and overload circuits....I've only shattered glass when angry once -- it's mostly anything electronic, anything that is energy based, that I fry when I lose my temper.
Which is why this life I work sooooo fucking hard to control it.... Because me losing my temper is a bit of a force of nature and it's devastating and scary. And most people don't deserve it. And it's also why I've trained myself when I feel my anger building to a point I know I'm about to speak truths edged like knives, not caring what damage they do while I'm angry, I'll often choose to run away and leave the situation to NOT put anyone through that. To let me cool down and to come back and let us work to solve it instead of me spewing who knows what sharp-edged truths at them and pummeling them with the raw force of my chi while the lights flicker and all the phones/laptops/TVs suddenly fail with error codes that don't exist and reset themselves. Don't worry, I don't let me anywhere near any expensive electronics even when annoyed, or hangry. I can also, even when in a cheerful mood but just too much spirit energy flowing through me, play with distortion effects on speakers using just my hands from like 5-10 ft away. And when I'm irked, it happens in waves without my meaning to. Which is, again, why I work really hard this life on controlling my temper. I don't always succeed, but I DO work at it, and I'm trying really hard! Turns out though, that anyone with power enough to force dark ghosts to the light and to fight evil dark spirits that never did incarnate (what I do in my free time, ad hoc) is a helluva lot too much on modern electronics when she loses her temper, lol.
But. I do have the flight response when angry and it started as a means to control myself so I won't destroy everything while my temper is burning hot. But I reckon that doesn't work so well when the way you could truly destroy everything is if you DO run off and abandon it and say, 'Fuck it I'm done with this shit!"
But staying means speaking even harder to bear truths, ones with even sharper edges, and I dunno that that's something anyone involved can handle in this situation -- especially given the intensity of defensiveness and bullying I experienced from the girls in response to the very straight forward truth that offkey vocals, especially country twangs, cause me physical pain......That's a fairly dull edged truth and one that is obvious to anyone who's even the slightest bit observant -- hell I've had other people in a crowd (at multiple concerts, restaurants, doctors offices etc) ask me if I'm okay when a country song has come on and they see me flinch and wince at it. It's obvious enough it causes me pain that an observant person, not even an empath, can tell. Empaths feel my pain like THEY'RE being hit with a whip because of how loud and strong my energy is -- so it means that in crowded places with any percentage of empaths there, I not only feel the nerve pain, but then I have to make my shielding as powerful as possible to keep all that pain inside me bubbled off to not reach other people and hurt them -- and that is energetically physically exhausting at the level I have to do it just to make ti through one song without my pain causing pain to other empath but instead only being visible to anyone observant enough to see me flinch or wince at it...... But it's something complete strangers see, any/every time I'm exposed to offkey vocalists, so I really don't consider it a hard-edged truth at all that off-key and twangy vocals cause me physical pain and they WILL stop me from going to shows...and yet, that's how ttey responded to it and the girls made such a fucking mess of various forms of defensiveness and bullying in response to that dull edged obvious truth. I can't imagine what they'd do if forced to confront the sharp-edged truths they refuse to face.......
I said some much more hard-edged truths in the recent posts though. Not to them, but here. From while I was angry. I didn't realize I could still be so angered about it.... It was really the precogs set off my anger. because I didn't think it fair that I should have to fucking bear those as well, that I be shown it and expected to care enough to say/do things to change their fate lines, after everything else I've been asked to carry in this very one-sided uneven and unfair relationship thus far.....
All that said though, the point of my flight response when angry is to NOT destroy everything with the truths I say and the power behind them when I lose my temper.... And that means I should only react that way if/when I intend to come back after I cool down. If the logic behind it is to NOT destroy everything, so as to have a better foundation from which to come to an understanding and make things better, then it's only valid so long as there's an IMPLICIT promise that once I cool down I'll come back. Without the promise I'll come back after I cool down, it's just another way of destroying everything......
So it's valid for me to say, "I cannot handle the hurt of this right now (especially when I'm hurting over other things -- when I'm in pain, my control over my temper frays significantly as does my patience with anything that is bringing me more pain than joy at the time) and I'm going to say things we'll both regret me saying if I stay." ONLY IF AND WHEN I also include the promise, "When my temper cools down and I'm not hurting so much, I'll come back. We can figure out how to fix things then, if you still want to. Once I am no longer so hurt and angry and more inclined to destroy than to heal, then I'll return."
I think that's fair. I think me saying, 'Fuck it I'm done and I'm never coming back, I'm just DONE!" without ever giving the other party a chance to make things better or to fix anything or to even understand what in seven hells I'm so upset about is NOT fair of me.... Not to Eric, not to anyone involved in how we got to this point. Frankly not to anyone ever. So I'm going to work on curtailing the "fuck it I'm done and never coming back or giving you a chance to try to make things better" -- that's not something I desire to have in my character, it's not a version of me I wish to be.... I only get to leave when I'm hurt and angry when my leaving includes the promise that after I cool down and my temper burns itself out I'll come back so we can try to fix things.
I'm going to work on that. That's the goal. And it's something that my normal logical not in pain and not angry self will remember for me, no matter what is said in the heat of anger.
Happy 48 Hours Before the Full Moon in Aries and Mercury Just Went Into Pre-shadow Day.
Sorry.......
I really am better now. All my plants made it inside before the frost except the perennials in the bed and the petunias, snapdragons, and marigolds which SHOULD be okay with this light frost....Unhappy, but okay til I figure out what the hell to do with them to bring them in, lol. Today I brought in the last of them that NEEDED to come in. Then Mikaela and I had Chinese food while my parents and her mom and some other coworkers had a games night (I'd have joined in but 1) Mikaela wanted some time with me and 2) Karissa uses hand sanitizers/lotions from bath & Body Works that cause me instant headaches.... And I've brought it up, and she immediately apologized and switched stopped using the problematic scents -- but this is the third one and now I just feel mean. they don't smell BAD, the synthetic perfumes just give me instant headache and in an enclosed room, while still recovering form my migraine, I just couldn't...I'd have been down with another migraine if I'd tried. Synthetic perfumes, also a problem for me.) Anyway, after we finished taking care of the plants and eating and then watering the newly repotted imaptiens and begonias, we made tea and curled up on the couch to read with the doggos snuggled up with us.
My plan for tonight HAD been to lay a fire in the hearth and sit by the fire to read as much of the Tearling trilogy as possible (it's officially "cozy snuggle up with a fire and tasty drinks and good music and books you wish to devour in as few sittings as possible and read them as long as your stomach and bladder and the rest of the world will fucking allow" season, lol. Officially. This season basically runs until "I have work to do in the garden making happy plants and flowers and veggies grow in between a ridiculous amount of concerts and festivals" season. Spring and Fall are just sort of the handoff between the two main seasons, lol. It means that outside of work and concerts and walks/hikes and helping my grandma run errands and cooking delicious meals, if you want to see me then you damn well better be in the mood to curl up and snuggle and hermit hibernate with me til Spring....because that's basically what you get from me once we hit crisp air season. O, and also watching football and figure skating -- both religiously. And soccer matches and gymnastics and winter x games whenever I catch them -- and honestly pretty much any other sports you want to add into the calendar of sports we must watch on the regular is fair game as long as it's not golf, fishing, bowling, or cricket. (The first three are boring af and I really don't fucking get cricket...) I'm also not too keen on tennis or baseball except the Cubs because that's my baseball team, but if you want to watch it I'll curl up to read while you watch it and not mind if baseball is on. Just don't expect me to get excited about baseball -- because I just don't....But, curling up with snacks and tasty beverages for sports is all a part of crisp weather hermitting-hibernation mode, lol. As is writing and sketching, actually.)
Anyway, fire and reading snuggled up at home with the animals and force chilling myself to not do something stupid WAS the plan.... But between time with Mikaela til nearly 11pm and then plans for brunch with my parents and grandma at 10am....I think a cozy fire I haven't yet started is wishful thinking at this point.... But!! I can come in right after brunch tomorrow to work and find homes for all the plants of my jungle taken over shipping shipping and water all my indoor plants and get as much done outside in my flowerbed as possible and THEN go home and shower (preemptively) and lay a fire and read and read and read to my heart's content til whenever I have to meet up with Crissy on Sunday to meet up with Alana, Maddie, and Gus for the Sunday We Banjo 3 show!!! That sounds pretty fucking perfect to me, tbh!
(Alana was going through a super rough patch of depression and her sister Gus wanted to go to the show but couldn't afford tickets for all 3 of them and the other 2 don't have the money and Gus didn't realize it was assigned seats til too late and they all wanted to go and I knew that the place Alana was in she NEEDED something to look forward to with people who love her to help her hold on so I decided to gift them tickets buy them for the ease of my own soul. They'll be driving separate, from La Crosse, or maybe Appleton, they have much plans this weekend, but we're thinking to meet in Chicago area and figure out something that doesn't cost too much money to do. Maybe Lincoln Park Zoo. Or, if I take them to Pl-zn, the 3 of them have never been to the National Museum of Hispanic Art and it's super cool AND free unlike the Art Institute! Plus, there's a super awesome place near there for brunch/cocktails/dinner. Though knowing Alana and Gus, if we say Nando's for dinner (even though Crissy and I find it overpriced good but not great chicken) it'll be absolute perfection for them...and that's worth the overpriced Peri Peri chicken. ALSO, they have Dole Whips, identical to the ones at Disney, at Nando's restaurants in the states!!! So there's that to look forward to!!!!)
Also. this poor little fledgling sparrow.... I hope he makes it through the night.....
Poor guy came to the door wanted to come in when he saw the geraniums were in and recognized me and the dog from working in the garden.... But he couldn't be left inside the building by himself overnight. Not even in the vestibule. Not just the mess he might make, but more prosaically, he'd set off the motion detector alarms..... He's not yet full grown, he hops as much as flies, and he doesn't have all his adult feathers yet.... I made him a nestbox and lined it with packing styrofoam to insulate and then filled it with torn up tissues and after some talking to him and sunflower seeds, got him to bed down into it after I put it in the now empty flower pot that housed the begonias. It's not ideal, a coyote or fox might eat him -- but without a nest of his own or a flock to help him out, he'll die tonight with it getting all the way down to 32...And this was the best I could do for him that would be up off the ground and sheltered from the wind carrying it away.... I really hope I don't come back tomorrow to find his poor lil body dead from the cold asleep in the nestbox I made him.....
Can't leave it for good, but I thought for tonight it was the best I could do for him before I head home.... Poor wee babykins.... If I could, I'd have brought him in somewhere warmer - but that was best I could do so unexpectedly.
P. S. Talked to Mikaela (whose ONLY social media is Instagram and thus dming her is my only motivating reason to sign up and use it) bout Insta lives no longer staying up 24hrs automatically instead disappearing for some users but still working normal for others. She told me it's the new instagram for iOS update everyone hates and it's ONLY iphone users whose insta lives now disappear immediately after they end them. No idea if it's permanent or not. Android is thus far unaffected. At her high school, people are apparently bitching about it as reason enough to switch from iphones to android if not fixed immediately.
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