Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dying to tell you anything, you want to hear. Cause that's just who I am this week. Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum. I'm just a notch in your bedpost, But you're just a line in a song. A notch in your bedpost, But you're just a line in a song. Drop a heart, break a name. We're always sleeping in, sleeping for the wrong team. We're going down, down in an earlier round -- And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.

Now I didn't say I WANT that to be the way it goes, that after the three shows in November I decide I'm done with Delta Rae and all its members are dead to me -- I just said the odds are stacking up that way.

I'd PREFER a path where I can have what I fucking want, which is all I've ever actually wanted. A path where this mess is dealt with and cleaned up and solutions are found to keep it from happening again. That's what I'd RATHER! But it's not the path we're headed on and I'm going to be realistic rather than optimistic without seeing any real change. Especially in light of Eric's choices HE made back in late August and early September.

*shrugs* My reasons I believe the odds are that I'll unfollow the band and the members of it after the November shows and dead them?
1) I'm still blocked on the official band instagram account. I can't care about their music or wish them any success as long as that's the way it is -- and that IS a constant reactionarg state of mind/heart with me and it reflects backwards keeps me from even being able to listen to or share or enjoy their songs that I spent NEARLY A DECADE loving with my entire heart, listening to constantly, attending over 30 shows, and converting scores of people into new fans of the band over those years... As for when I was blocked. There was never any warning, no dm asking me to keep public posts positive, no response to the comment itself -- nothing but blocking me out of the blue for being honest that the country music caused me pain due to my synesthesia (which the girls at least had known about from the very start of the "we're country now" decision, whether or not they shared that information with any of the guys is unknown to me, but both of them knew) and would keep me from attending future shows. That is what happened, plain and simple -- and no amount of spinning it differently to yourself so as not to admit you were wrong or rationalizing what was done will EVER change those facts of what happened. And that behavior is not EVER acceptable to do from a PR management "you are your product" perspective AND basic "don't be an asshole shit human" perspective. It's simply NEVER acceptable. The band will be dead to me if we pass a YEAR of this bullshit, especially now they no longer have the easy out excuse of their management which I gave them to take if they wanted when i reminded them this is still an issue and STILL they did nothing to fix this. If that's the way you treat ANY fan, let alone one of your longterm diehard fans, then fuck you -- I do not support you as a band and WILL NOT support your music. This is NOT a small fuckup. Even before it was left to fester this long and become an issue of morals and principle. It was never an acceptable way you treat ANY fan. EVER.
2) Nobody has EVER addressed, acknowledged, or even RESPONDED to me from the band about it despite various messages for OVER A YEAR both publicly and privately on multiple platforms to the official band account AND personal accounts. Nobody even had the decency to RESPOND about it. They just all participated in the gaslighting of it pretending it isn't real and isn't happening and I'm not blocked when I am. And that is a reflection on the character of ALL of them and EVERYONE who currently represents them or has over the last YEAR. This is a statement about who they are, what they stand for, their complete lack of compassion/empathy, and what they consider acceptable ways to treat another human being.... And at this point, it IS an indictment on the characters of ALL of them that NOBODY stepped up and said or did ANYTHING about it. EVER. AT ANY POINT. Including when i was publicly attacked by other fans (on the band's facebook and twitter) back in August with other fans rabidly victim blaming me that I must have done something wrong because nobody ever involved with the band would ever do anything like that.
3) I will never compromise on an issue of ethics. EVER. And you will NEVER get a pass from me if you do anything intentionally cruel and hurtful to another living being. And I will NEVER give you a pass for not feeling and SHOWING remorse and ATTEMPTING to make amends once it has been brought to your attention that your actions DID cause hurt and were cruel to another living being. We can discuss how not to have a fight over it, but on any question of "was this right?" I will NEVER bend or compromise or stop calling out bullying in all its forms for what it is. Ever. I never have before in any life and I don't intend to start now.
4) I have no trust, whatsoever, for Britt or Liz. (And also I have no trust for Eric any longer. I expect to be hurt by him every time I see anything from him since his behavior and choices in August -- particularly since I DID tag him directly about the issue the very first it was announced HE would be going live on the band's instagram account to which he also remained complicit in his silence (while responding to asinine jokes about potatoes to other diehards -- which is just a stupid typo, none of the jokes/obsession is even entertaining, and is going to get an actual potato chucked at the band onstage if they keep encouraging it) as well as him following Britt's lead on the ostracism and bullying via the band's instagram account.  At this point whenever I see anything from him or involving him, instantaneously my hackles go up and I brace myself EXPECTING to be smacked and hurt by him because I let him in enough that he CAN hurt me and he's shown me that he will do so without any hesitation or remorse ever since his choices in late August and early September. And that's something only he can address and even begin to fix.... )  I EXPECT to be hurt by them every time I see anything posted anywhere from them at this point. I expect to be hurt by what I see, and I expect to be hurt by whatever they post on the band account I can't see. ANYTHING they post, I flinch like I expect to be smacked and steel myself for whatever it is. THEY taught me that. THEY are the ones who have to fix that if they want anything but wary distance from me and in my eyes. I will be polite, but I will not trust them on the terms of what they have offered me over the last two years. And while I forgive, I do not lie to myself or anyone else and I will not rewrite history in the name of forgiveness or making a false peace. You make peace with me on the grounds of acknowledging the past mistakes, never by sweeping them under the rug trying to pretend they never happened.... So I will forgive, for my sake, but I will not forget and if you never apologize or try to make right what you did wrong or show any remorse or try to grow to be a better person, I cannot and will not trust you to be anything other than what my experiences have shown you to be. No amount of forgiveness will EVER repair broken trust. not with me, not with anyone else. Not even with an animal if you smack it.

These are the things that have been broken that I NEED addressed and fixed if you want me to stay.... And those are the reasons that at this point I believe the odds are about 89% I will walk away and let ALL of them go and never think of them or their music again after the November shows. And it doesn't MATTER what you do to try to remind me of what I love(d) or try to win me over or impress me -- if you don't address and fix these 4 fundamental issues, then ANY and EVERY thing you do to try to make me love you is trying to build a house on a sand dune with no foundation or supports. It can't hold anything together to try to do that, it'll just make the inevitable collapse more tragic than it already is..... You have no solid ground without working on these 4 issues -- so none of anything else you do will hold together. It will only make me feel more intensely the sorrow of watching it all collapse when by all logic and laws of attraction it should have stood for ages and lifetimes and eons....

Is it fixable? Yes.
Is it easy to fix? No.
Does it require honesty and acknowledging mistakes that were made? Yes.
Is it something i can do any damn thing to fix at this point we've now reached? No.
Will I walk away from the entire situation if it's left this toxic and nothing is done about it? Yes.
Will I be able to listen to ANY of their music (already written or not yet written) if this isn't cleansed and healed? No. Never again.

And that's where it's at. And why I say I expect that I will wash my hands of them, unfollow them everywhere, take down their signed posters to roll them up and hide them at the back of a closet, and cease to allow me to ever think about them or support them. because that's what WILL happen without anything being done to address those 4 foundational issues that have destroyed absolutely everything and without fixing them NOTHING can be built and NOTHING they do (collectively or individually) can earn back any admiration or love or affection from me. Nothing gets better without fixing those 4 problems. And there will be no improvement, no success at ANYTHING you do to try to remind me of how much more we have in common than difference and why we OUGHT to be together and make me fall in love again with all that is lovable in you. Not until you fix these 4 things that they managed to destroy and poison.

And that is why, I say this is all a fucking mess and needs to be cleaned up, one way or another. And it's also why at this time, I expect that I shall be leaving and have nothing more to do with Delta Rae or any member of the band after the 3 shows in November. Shows that I bought tickets for in June KNOWING from precogs that if I didn't do it then (when they first went on sale while I was still hopeful that once independent they'd go back to having an ethical backbone and fix this bullshit mess) that the precogs told me despite all my best hopes they'd somehow manage to do something to upset me so I wouldn't want to go to the shows and if I didn't already have tickets I'd walk away forever not give them ANY chance to make anything right. I bought those tickets when they went on sale KNOWING with complete certainty that I'd be in this turmoil and this upset by September/October. And I bought them anyway. In full knowledge of reaching this point somehow. That was the optimist in me, believing that somehow if I just held on long enough it'd come out right. But now we're getting so close to reaping the seeds of what they have sown and have done nothing to heal, that I'm no longer an optimist on this. I'm forced to be a realist.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Fallout Boy song "Sugar We're Goin' Down" which has been stuck in my head 75% of the time over the last 2 weeks except a few notable earworms or when tehre's other music playing to drown out this song on repeat in my head.  Luckily, I love me some Fallout Boy -- and a lot of other emo rock -- it's a well known musical love of mine throughout my life and I've attended Warped Tour many many times in my past, practically every year throughout the aughts, lol.]