I'm glad the storms came early.  I rushed them along while taking the dog on our walk....  When the best way out is through,  you reach a point in the eye of the hurricane and the calm before the storm that you just want it to start.  Battles are like that too.  That's the hardest part of leading an army,  holding back the impatience to just start the damn thing since it's inevitable so you don't ruin the strategy and careful planning to have the fight on your terms....

I'll not speed up what's coming after this eye of the hurricane in the current battle for the very soul and future of humanity - the timing isn't yet.  And while I am rested and chafing at waiting because I know what's coming and I want to get on with it,  the others using this time to rest,  to heal,  to grow, to strengthen are not all at their peak.  And for what's coming,  we must all be at our best.... So I chose to rush the afternoon storms into the morning, hurry them along to get here 4 hours earlier than predicted, so the wind and thunder and rain can soothe my restlessness before battle for now.

 I wish I had someone to talk to about what's coming.... It's hard playing Cassandra...  Even if it sounds too outrageous and nobody will believe me about the next six months,  still it would be nice to at least tell someone I could trust with the truths....  (nobody believed me back in November when I said I'd have no concerts or theater after mid-March because the whole world would be shut down,  shut in,  forced to slow down and face itself... Not my parents not even Crissy.  She said we had tickets and refundable hotels and I told her I couldn't tell her why yet,  but to keep it all refundable because I knew my own fatelines wouldn't have any concerts after the ides of March. She believed me,  because she's been around me long enough heard enough of my improbable precogs she disbelieved then seen them come true.  But even she heeded my warnings without fully believing me.  Crissy has many gifts this life,  and it's my fault they awoke because she was with when a powerful dark entity came seeking me to take me out in college and being around that much power awakened her empath gifts so I had to crash course teach her a lot of defenses/weapons/tools for how to focus and use her gifts and in the process completely changed her life path...but prophecy and precogs are not among her gifts nor are they part of my magic that rubs off to lesser degrees than my gifts onto people exposed to me too long like some of my others do. Ability to timeloop/prophecy/precogs run in bloodlines, and it's among the rarer gifts.  Eric has it, though it's weaker than with me and for him it manifests in writing songs about his strong emotions that echo back to his past self and a knowing of where he needs to be and what he needs to create to get where he will be - with nothing to back it but a complete certainty it's what he must do to get where he needs to be.  I don't know that he recognizes it for what it is.  Nobody else in his immediate family has it that I've observed except Leo - though Britt wishes she did and will tell herself in hindsight that she foresaw something.  It is not among her current gifts.  She once had it,  before she walked dark vengeful paths four or five lives ago that took her away from The Goddess and what I had taught Britt so many lifetimes ago.... She has lost so many gifts by her choice to seek personal vengeance rather than justice and what she welcomed into her soul to achieve that....  I don't blame her, that life was a cruel series of losses and tests and many would have chosen as she did if pushed to that emotional point and tempted as she was, but I remain saddened by it....  There was such brightness in her and so much potential before she chose to welcome that darkness into her.....  Britt calls herself a witch because of the echoes in her of the gifts she once had and could have again if she chose to release that darkness and choose a path guided by justice not vengeance - but in this life her gifts are all echoes of her potential and the reason she can't always reach it is because whenever she embraces and feeds that path of blood and vengeance,  she cuts herself off from the source of her own gifts.... In this life, her brothers both have stronger gifts and magic than she does, though they don't realize it. She does though,  it's why she is constantly seeking to get back what she lost.  But she won't til she humbles herself and chooses to let go of the desire for vengeance that still burns in her and motivates her.  And.... She's clutched that coal so long,  I don't know if she knows who she is without her ruthless desire for vengeance - it is becoming her identity the more she chooses the path of Erinyes....  But there are no gifts of life and creation down that path,  only all consuming anger and madness, in oneself and in those you make your victims. There's a place for them and their anger and madness,  but it is one that is far from the light and love she turned away from but still seeks in her moments when she is not consumed by the vengeance fire she chose to graft into her and that will consume her soul if she lets it... Weirdly,  it is her sense of distance/alienation from what she lost that makes her turn back to and cling to that spirit of vengeance she allowed to dig roots into her soul - because the hellfire of it is better than the absence or phantom limb of what she lost.  She doesn't see that it's that fire that destroyed her older connections and gifts and she can'tfind her way back to any of what she has lost til she lets go of the vengeance spirit that feeds on her and she tears its suckers out of her before the parasitic spirit she welcomed in becomes the guide of the host....but that is not my battle.  And she made her choices to reject me three times and so I am no longer her teacher and The Goddess told me directly that I cannot intercede for her with The Goddess in the future - my protections no longer surround Britt after the choices she made between 2015 and 2018....and it breaks my heart,  but I can't do anything about it or help her any longer since our past teacher-student priestess-acolyte karmic bonds were ritually severed by The Goddess due to Britt's choices - only her choices can save or damn her now.)

Still.  I wish I had someone I could talk to about what is coming......  The "what may yet come to be" of all the battles along all the fatelines are heavy.  As are the things that happen along every fateline....

It's just a lot to carry.  It's not my first life playing Cassandra,  it's been among my gifts for so long I can't remember lives without it.  But it would be nice to have someone to talk to about these futures unfolding.  Even if they didn't believe me,  it would still be nice to have someone to help me carry the weight of the knowing before it all happens.....  I don't.  But I wish I did. I used to tell the visions to my polar bear in my dream state,  he'd always listen and believe I had seen what I claimed even if he couldn't see it for himself.  But the polar bear is no longer allowed to share my dream state...not even now with the bond awake and full of power for as long as he doesn't make it a source of hurt/betrayal to me.  But to let the polar bear into my dream state involves my trust and the trust of those who guard me through this troubled battle time (The Goddess and the hawk god) and he has lost that....  So now I just carry inside me the weights of all that I see and have seen of what is yet to come. And it would be nice to have someone to help carry it....