Blarg. This morning blogger switched back to the new ui and I still hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. HATE IT!!!!!!

 AND, while I could change it back to the legacy ui, it's for now. (Only for now. OMG, has anyone thought of Avenue Q in like the last 15 years?! welp. Stuck in my head now..... Ugh. Set anything to music and have me hear it three times and I'll remember it forever. I may not understand what you wanted me to understand inside you, but damn I'll remember the words and melody FOREVER...... Was a useful brain hack in my biochem courses when I had to memorize things that were boring like reaction pathways...)  Sorry. brain is  a bit scattered extra ADHD all over the place tonight. Uncertain why -- it wasn't earlier today... It feels a bit like.... Like there's someone or something trying to pluck at me get my attention and I'm doing my best to ignore it but it keeps pulling away my focus.

But. Anyway. New ui on Blogger will be the only ui starting August 24. Which means that you should expect and start mentally preparing yourself that on August 23, I am going to stop writing here for keeps. (And, likely, I'll intentionally set it to private so only I can see it. That way, down the line, if blogger changes it's search parameters or something, instead of being unlisted this will just be private so it won't show all the truths that are not the most flattering for people that i've written here. because. they don't deserve that, to have this come up when searching their names..... Sure they fucked up and by getting defensive and not making right a system of ostracism and bullying that they created, they undercut everything they ever claimed to stand for ethically.... But I mean, on the spectrum of humanity, there's still far more about them in the column of "these are quality humans working damn hard to try to make the world better than the version of it they were born into" and I have respect for that even if I don't feel like I can actually trust them due to the bullying/ostracism related issues that began in the defensiveness of one person not wanting honesty and just wanting to cover up the truth rather than face the bad decision that had been made and the consequences of that choice......  But, I mean, okay, so it's a rather big fuckup in terms of ethics, but still it's one fuckup. Not a pattern of them. And i do understand the place from which it happened....it doesn't fix the shattered trust, but it doesn't negate all the good and wonderful things or how hard they have been working trying to be better than they have been and to fight to fix what is so fucking wrong about society as it is now....  And so if I'm going to abandon this, I'd prefer to do so with all the overly blunt honesty hidden away so it's all private and only the blog's author (me) can read it.... Y'know? Anything else would not be responsible of me....)

 So anyway. Til Aug 24. that's it. I may go back to my... was it a wordpress I had setup? Same name as here and on my insta, infinite facets. (I used to have pictures up on my insta, but I hated all the dick pics and getting hit on and the stupidity of men on insta.... So since I only have insta for stories/lives of people/accounts who make me smile,  I removed all my pictures and changed my profile picture to one of my dog wearing a paper crown because if anything was in it that implied I was a girl I just got toooooo many obnoxious dms and I was done with the toxic masculinity and getting hit on and cussed out for not wanting to chat up a rando who dmed me or not responding as he hoped when sending an unsolicited dick pic. Also, seriously. men who send unsolicited dick pics.... What the fuck response are you HOPING to get?!?! And has it ever worked with an actual woman and not just feds looking for pedo accounts?!?! Because in the history of the internet, I seriously don't know of any woman I've ever met who has ever had any sort of positive reaction to being sent unsolicited dick pics.... So why? Just why?) Anyway. Infinite Facets. That goes back to a poem I wrote back in high school, about my soul being like a gem of infinite facets and I couldn't be with someone who only saw in me the facets they wanted to see.....

So if I can remember my login, there's a high likelihood I'll hop back on over and reopen there... Found it. Don't know that i remember my login, but, ehrm, apparently I didn't use it much?.. Last time I did was back in January/February of 2018 when I was just completely done over the country music bullshit and everything related...... huh. Curious.

Rereading that... I'm not gonna lie..... it' kicks me in the gut rubs salt in my open wounds where it hurts worst that bit about at least leaving Eric happy with his life and his choices and where they've brought him.....   because he's not right now... He hurts and hurts badly and I can feel it inside me, all the time.  It's like, he knows and understands why I got hurt and feel like letting him in will just make the hurts worse without healing the trust that got broken and fixing things..... But he aches and he hurts so bad over it and sometimes all he wants is even to just be able to reach along the bond and hold onto that and feel that love along it and to have the promise and hope of "some point" that I'll be healed up and come back around for him to try again in this life.... And I can't even give him that.....And.... if it's anything for him like it was for me when he was dating the really viciously poisonous scorpion chick and I'd get overlays every time he had ANY strong emotions.... Then he's getting pulses and overlays of every time that Dave does something that makes me happy or makes go, "Aww I love this about you" or anything the like.... And.... It's only going to get worse the stronger the bond between David and I get -- especially if, whenever the covid pause on life is lifted enough for me to see him in person Dave decides to make his move... And it's going to burn and it's going to hurt to have to see it and feel my joy in it and know that he's no part of it -- and damnit i KNOW how that will hurt him because I went through it every time he felt anything intensely because of the jealousy-motivated scorpion chick he dated...... And those overlays only stopped when i used a favor from the fae to put the bond to sleep BECAUSE I didn't think it ethically right me being forced to voyeuristic clairsentience see/experience his, ehrm, personal moments that made him feel things intensely with someone else who didn't even know I existed.....

But. I also said that I'd not do a damn thing to the bond, not even quiet it down or try to dampen it or anything, unless/until Eric made a conscious choice to do something that caused me pain as an act of betrayal of his ethics/the bond again... And he hasn't since I decided that after he broke back through to reach me .... and so I'll keep my word, even when I know it hurts him.... And I always know when he hurts.... I always feel it inside me.....But the bond IS both of ours seeing as it ties between both our souls, not just mine, and even if it hurts him badly if he's not doing anything wrong or betraying what's good and right in the love between us than it's not for me to make his choices on it.... I can choose to want it quieted for my own ethical reasons, but his ethics are his and if he's not doing any active wrong by me or making me accessory to something I consider an ethics violation, than it's not for me to try to shield him from the hurts he will feel from me being with anyone besides him... same as I hurt when he's with anyone besides me and those strong emotions of his give me overlays via the bond of what made him feel those emotions.....

And that's complicated. And kind of fucked up..... But I dunno how to fix it or change it with where we're at. I can't just tape back together the shattered trust...that will take a lot of work to clear the debris and build it anew. And, I suppose I could choose to stay single indefinitely for Eric's sake -- but I'll heal quicker and better if I allow love and joy to be part of my healing. And that's part of what me choosing to be with David if Dave finds his courage to ask me will give. Also, realistically, I have karmic past life ties to Dave as well, nothing NEAR as strong or intense as with Eric, but they're there. If I don't honor them in this life, then I will have to honor them in a future life and that will be yet another life that Eric doesn't get to be my life partner -- isn't it better to have this happen while I need to heal from that fuckup of Eric back in August 2019 failing to acknowledge or face his sister's fuckup from October of 2018? Because the karma between David and me is about allowing him to be the one to heal me and nurture me and love me and see my worth, to allow him to care for me and protect me, after he was the judge who presided over my trial then death/burning back in the 1400s. (and then I cursed him he'd be forced to see everything he thought true for the lie it is and to see me sainted for the martyred death he gave me and then he got stuck as a ghost for like 300 years and then when I found him I felt bad and was the one to release/return him to the light of the cycle of incarnations and lay his ghost to rest....) But anyway, that karma and his sense of gratitude and debt are deep and it needs to be balanced, Dave cannot move on his soul's path without that opportunity of healing and him getting to love and care for me....that's how karma works. And accepting the deep abiding love of being cared for is honestly the best thing for me and what I need at this point in my lives and everything that has happened to get us to here.

Better we do it this life, while Eric works on his lessons for how/why his fuckup happened so he won't repeat it and I heal up from all the shattered trust... Because I know if you're not part of it you don't feel it the same way, but I do promise you that the way the karmic bond is between Eric and me, there will never be any life either of us have that we aren't drawn to each other seeking each other out and feel an empty space inside us where the other belongs in our life. That doesn't mean we can be together always in every single life, but it means I'll always return to him -- he just has to learn his lesson(s) he's been avoiding and I have to heal up my shattered trust in his ethics and whether or not he'd knowingly hurt me. But I will be coming back to him -- if not in this life than in the next or the next next or however many lives it takes to reach each other again..... And no lifetime, no matter how much love or joy I find with anyone else, can take that away or destroy it or do any damn thing to damage that sort of love. So I don't know WHEN precisely, but I do know IS (or in this case will be) and I know that later in this life or in the soonest future life where the conditions of his lessons and my shattered trust are met, we'll come hurtling back into each others lives like a rubber band you pulled too taut and then it snapped back onto itself.

But I do know Eric would hurt even worse without the bond, without at least having that reassurance of the love that flows between our souls. Even while it hurts, it's better to have the hurt of knowing that the love IS than he could ever feel if he was just reaching and calling into a void and never finding me.... That would just throw him into the deepest darkest self-harming depression without the strand he followed to get him out and find his way back to reach me again when it's happened before that I've muffled the bond because a thing of healing and love was acting as a thing of hurting and pain. But I do know that for eric's path to healing, he NEEDS that bond and to feel that it EXISTS and it's alive and healthy and full of love and more love for each other and that somewhere past the hurting and the learning and the becoming better there WILL be a time of returning and our paths reconverging, if not in this life than in another life. He needs the bond itself and the love from which it's forged and the promise of that hope for him to set his course to find his way out and to heal and learn his lessons so WHEN our paths cross again, he'll be ready and healed to knock his chance out of the park and get what he so deeply yearns for and needs.....

And I need it too. Even when it stings or is hard... I do need that love in the bond and the promise of hope that beyond this brokenness there's a way to heal and come back to each other. We both need it. And that's why as long as he's not actively or consciously doing things he knows to be ethically wrong/problematic, I'm going to leave the bond at full strength whatever that is even while building myself a life with David as my life partner in the nearer term future.....

There's a book I have loved since I first read it when I was about 10 or so. It's by Robin McKinley called The Hero and The Crown which is about a princess who chooses to be a dragon slaying knight in defiance of the wishes of her father the king and the mockery/unhelpfulness of nearly everyone at court (and there's actually a sequel/followup book she wrote first called The Blue Sword that's several hundred years later -- love both of them and have re-read them many times.)  But I recommend reading The Hero and The Crown to understand me and my nature and also my current internal state with letting my love for Eric be for a time because it's eternal and can be returned to in the proper time once the proper healing has occurred while also being able to let that immortal love part of oneself sleep while you enjoy a life with a mortal love that also is a soul mate fit for you specifically..... I think if you read it and understand how it has always resonated with me as how I feel and cope with this tension in me when I have lives where this happens. (And let's be honest, this isn't the first life where we have had to build for ourselves homes and lives and loves apart for the sake of the lessons/tasks we had to learn/do. It's just normally not this painful because we don't find each other and then still have to let each other go within that life by conscious choice while the healing happens...)  Read the book. It's like peeking into my own head/heart/soul on how I cope with this..... Also because it's one that I love dearly and reread often.

Still. I wish that Eric didn't hurt so much... I know it's necessary, a part of his learning... But I hate hearing inside me the echoes of how deep he's hurting over all of this and how we ended up here.....And. I don't know if he or I can have each other in our lives while this healing has ot happen but I don't know how to help heal his hurting without making certain he can at least know and feel how deep and enduring my love for him is even if a time of separation is now necessary for the both of us to heal before our paths can come back together next.......