I'm looking forward to tomorrow night David is doing a livestream on the band's Patreon at 7:30pm CST. So I'll have an hour and a half or so of that to look forward to on an unlisted youtube (that being where/how Patreon lives host, on unlisted Youtubes.) That will be nice, often on Wednesdays around 8ish I get this feeling and sense that there's somewhere I'm supposed to be, something I'm supposed to be doing -- but I have no idea what the fuck it could be. It's like someone is calling out to me wanting me to be somewhere, do something, but I can't quite hear it clearly. It's been frustrating me for a while now on Wednesday nights...It's like it's just out of my grasp and if I allowed myself I'd recognize it and know immediately who was calling for me and why and where I ought to be, but for some reason, I'm not allowed or not allowing me to know what that echoing pull is from. But if I have David's livestream to look forward to, then even if I feel that, I can sublimate it tell myself that I'm right where I should be. (Dave had been scheduled at noon with coffee on Tuesday while they were doing all the streams regular every week on their band facebook and half of them on insta and then occasionally on facebook and insta on Thursdays drinking whiskey. This is the first time he's ever held a livestream on Wednesday as a Whiskey Wednesday) I'm looking forward to it because David makes me uncomplicatedly happy every time I see him -- particularly for as long as I can put to sleep the memories and dreams of futures I had hoped would be chosen to become the path we trod this life with Eric... So any time I get to see David I look forward to it -- especially since Eric's choice end of August and me saying my internal farewells at the 3 shows in November, particularly the one in Minneapolis. Knowing I will have the Patron only livestream with David on Wednesday night at 7:30pm will keep me from wanting to figure out who's calling me and where it is they want me to be and what they want of me.....
Probably the most important thing recently:
Following the eclipse on Saturday/Sunday. while the moon was full in Capricorn, I was moving the large heavy tapestry that had previously been on the hallway wall which over the last 10 years or so has become band/fest signed tour posters. It's the wall I removed my 3 Delta Rae posters from back in March and put other posters in the frames and rearranged. But I have a lot of others that need frames and/or wall space so have been meaning to move the tapestry into the living room over the piano and the console that is actually a super cool old broken record player that I have a vague idea of wanting to fix and make a working sound system. Underneath the sliding top, it's all toggles and buttons and dials and some straight up 60s/70s interfaces. And to pop out the doors that are locked and make the interior for storage of music. It sits in my living room next to the beautifully carved broken wooden chair, my own siege perilous. On top of it, it has artwork that needs frames, my LED light up birch tree, and my broken rapier that needs a grip (I actually really want it made out of wood, I bought myself a beautiful block of bubinga that called to me for it... But everybody I know with access to a lathe doesn't have the skills to make it the way I want it and everyone with the woodworking skills and perfectionism for me to trust with it lacks a lathe. It could be whittled by hand to fit my grip specifically, if you could get the interior done right by hand -- but I don't know anyone who whittles anyway.I suppose it could be done in two halves and pieced together, but I'm not sure how the seams would look/ feel/hold unless it were done really well.... But I tried to leather wrap it and it didn't look right so I was unhappy. I know what i want and I want that damn grip done in bubinga wood and eventually, some day, I'm going to get the sword fixed the way i want it damnit!) Anyway, so I have a broken chair, a broken sword, and a broken vintage record player/bureau on wheels -- and no idea when any of them will be fixed.
I don't know how I started in on the broken things I need to fix eventually, but apparently this whole post is about broken things that I want fixed.
So I was moving the tapestry into the living room. (it was my grandparents before it found its way to me and its one of the three things my grandparents had when I was a small child that I coveted for myself. It's huge -- like 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide, gilded wooden frame. It's a copy of a 16th century troubadours and a servant girl in like a wine cellar or something.) As I was lifting it all by myself to hang it on the nail, I ended up accidentally knocking my statue of Justice off the piano to the ground.
Eight years ago I had bought my statue of Justice from Egyptian International Art at their random booth at Summerfest that I always stop at every year to buy one of my favorite perfumes (yeah Summerfest, the music festival.) I bought it July 4, 2012 and posted about it the next day on July 5. It was actually in my memories the day that I broke the statue from when I had bought it. (My only other facebook memories that day were about the Delta Rae show last summer in Stephens Point on July 5 -- with all the storms to dance in and the rainbow and the very nice trees. Seriously, apparently I don't post much on facebook on July 5th over all these years.... Weirdly, the first time I saw Delta Rae live after discovering them was that same span of time at Summerfest in 2012 when they were there just a day or two after I'd bought the statue. I actually randomly walked past on that path seeking a place of quiet by the water to recenter myself before returning to the overwhelming crowd/noise of Summerfest to meet up with some friends WHILE that recording of Hey Hey Hey was being filmed and it was right at the start and so I unobtrusively as possible stopped to listen for the entire song before running off. I doubt that any of them saw me stop on the other side of the path behind the camera to listen for as long as the song lasted, at least I don't remember realizing they'd seen me, and I don't think anybody but me remembers or noticed I was there for this filming... but still it did happen. I was there, and I did stay for the song before disappearing. That was after I'd seen Bottom of the River on VH1 at like 2am and thought it was a cool song/video but a one trick pony but that day on the path hearing Hey hey hey for the first time I couldn't remember the band or why they looked familiar -- it wasn't til I saw the video for Morning Comes later that fall after Irishfest season that I realized that was the random Summerfest band I'd been trying to find/figure out who it was. Morning Comes was the song that made me remember their name and think I needed to give the full album a listen, and then it was the line in Surrounded "Fell in love with a a girl who's found love before in the hands and the hearts of the people she wore. She's all that I see but there's things in between, the fractures and fissures of all of the pictures we leave" that made me stop in my tracks and decide to give the band my full undivided attention because maybe for once I wasn't the only one who remembered.... And then I saw them again at High Noon Saloon in like 2013 and then when they played Summerfest on July 4, 2014 on the Johnson Control Stage, the time when Eric played Better Off Alone which was super emo and never made any album or stayed in the band's repertoire. And then of course the Stephens Point show outdoors in the rain/storms was a July 5 show. All of those were in my memories around the 5th.... Apparently I have seen them many pivotal points in their career between July 4-7.... I actually saw Delta Rae live the first time before I ever saw We Banjo 3 for the first time. You knew that, right? I caught WB3 the first time in August at Irishfest of 2012, but Delta Rae I saw in person the first time in July of 2012. They have always had precedence. Eric always had a jumpstart of a chance over David, it was Eric's to fuck up and lose. Anyway, because of Facebook memories, they've been on my mind a lot lately over this last week or so. Because I can decide to let him go until the time is right for our lives to come back together after the proper lessons are learned and I can sever known points of contact and I can even mute/muffle the bond or have the fairfolk put it to sleep -- but I can't remove it or the echoes from inside his heart/soul that always reach me. In every life. And ain't no other bond, with no other soul does that but the one to his soul. Actually, looking up that video from 2012 is the first I've watched/listened to anything from Delta Rae since March. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all - probably because it's from a time before there was any hurt mixed in. It made me happy nostalgic wistful, like looking through old photos with people who are dead or just grown apart so far they're not in your life any longer... but it didn't hurt.)
Anyway. I can't really explain all that. It's just those shows have all been in my memories of my past posts on Facebook lately. So on my mind. As well as my purchase of Justice being in my memories from precisely 8 years before the day I broke her....
Both her arms broke off when she got knocked off the piano, both the left one holding the scales aloft AND the right arm holding the sword AND the scales themselves are broken just below where they go through her hand....
Yep. The Libra Sun with a Capricorn Moon broke both arms off Justice the morning after July 4th during a full moon in Capricorn. (And if you've looked into the astrology of the USA, none of what's happening should surprise you...) It is absolutely one of the worst omens and portents I have personally ever been a part of in this life..... And when it happened, it made me remember back in 2019, the night I got back home to sleep in my own bed after the Kalamazoo show that was the day they announced the Kickstarter, when I was laying there trying to sleep and couldn't sleep because I was being flooded by all the unexpected precogs of what was going to happen after Eric made his choice in August. (though at the time I couldn't understand what I as seeing, just feel the truth in the precogs/overlays, because I was so fucking happy to have them back instead of the country selling out bullshit and to feel the power and the magic and the love and that all of it still IS. So having my precogs tell me it was all temporary and going to shatter even worse before September started was fucking with me and I chose to ignore it... so I just kept telling Crissy that something was going to happen in August to break it all and that the joy of that summer was a temporary return and to bask in it for as long as it could last before things got worse again -- and those precogs that I couldn't make sense out of just feel the waves of emotions from my future self were the impetus for me buying the tickets to the 3 November shows (the Ark, Chicago, and Minneapolis) immediately they went on sale in July so I could be CERTAIN that my future self would go, if only as a farewell, as I'd already bought the tickets....because last July I couldn't even consider losing them again and felt complete certainty that we both deserved for me to be at those November shows at the barest minimum.) and I also had precogs of what 2020 was bringing including the image of Broken Justice on my piano and how everything would get worse after she was broken before it got better....
Anyway, breaking Justice like that gave me the worst chills I've had playing Cassandra this life in many many years.... I knew it would happen at the midpoint of this year, but still WHEN it happened it crackled through me like a lightning strike and hurt terribly and filled me again with all those precogs and all the pain and the memory of what is going to happen but hasn't happened yet.....
I bent the metal rod in her left arm back to straight and have put it in the socket once more. But I'm all out of artist/jeweler epoxy and until I buy some more I can't properly reattach that broken left arm, put the scales back in her hand one more or reattach her right arm holding the sword of Justice. My sister (who is a Virgo with a Pisces moon, but an atheist denies her own strong gifts except in relation to me in moments of life or death and fear) told me I should leave Justice broken until the US Justice system is repaired. She's right.... I know if i try to fix it sooner, before the time is right, she'll just break again... Justice IS fixable though. Of that I am sure (even with all the precogs of how much worse things will get before they get better.)
Until Justice can be fixed, she's back on the right side of the piano, broken armed and empty handed with her scales and sword lying at her feet....
And I don't know how anyone can look at that without FEELING the chill of portents and fate coming off it... Especially as it was a Libra sun with a Capricorn moon who broke Justice during the Capricorn full moon eclipse....
I'm still a bit overwhelmed and shocky and not yet ready to be around people after having to relive all those precogs that had flooded through me last July and then I compartmentalized put in memory storage so I could enjoy the time I had before the maelstrom of the year of perfect vision arrived.
I won't go into details, even with people close to me I haven't shared the details I've seen, only the warnings and preparations they'd need for the battles I've known were coming to shift everything (because if it didn't shift and the young souls without karmic guilt weren't given full knowledge as the veils were torn away over these last eight years, then humanity as a vehicle of incarnation was to be ended for the sake of the planet.... I took a gamble telling the old souls that the young souls in their first 3 levels of incarnations didn't deserve to be punished for the failures of the middle aged souls to learn and to clean up their fuckups and face them to build a better future. I created this stepping stone path across fate lines and universes to give mankind a way out -- IF the young souls chose to reject every evil that was being brought into the light for them to face before living it out karmically.... I stand by that choice of mine and why it was the only fair way to do it, to give this one last chance to mankind to dismantle and destroy everything that is a result of the Roman model of conquest/colonoialism/greed/enslavement/plutocracy/control that created this modern mess so we can choose a better paradigm. I have been working toward this for nearly 2,200 years, since Rome conquered Greece and dragged me away in chains and the last time I prophesied in Delphi after seeing everything that the Roman model would create and how the Roman expansionist model coupled with Evangelical holier than thou Christianity othering everyone not in the controlling clique was going to stunt the growth for thousands of years and fuck over the evolution of mankind... I have known how fucking hard it would be to find a way back to the light and recover from showing the evil results of that choice I played no part in and I have spent so many lifetimes fighting to get us to this point where literally all of humanity is staked on fighting injustice and facing oneself.... but I did know that there was a path across and that in the fullness of time I would find. It was just going to be many many many lifetimes..... But because 13 years ago I decided that punishing the youngest of incarnating souls was unfair since they were not guilty of this fuckup and in arguing it wasn't just to punish the innocent so I created/found a stepping stone path across the fatelines for humanity, it means I also must play Cassandra and bear inside me the precogs of all of it and the guilt and the burden of all of it as it unfolds and those who are true lightworker warriors along with the youngest souls strive to keep mankind to the stepping stone path outside of this mess. Since I'm the one who made this call to change the rules 13 years ago since otherwise mankind would be destroyed..... And it's so heavy.... It's the weight that made me decide I don't have the strength to put up with Britt's headgames control issue bullying bullshit or bear any further hurts from Eric while carrying all of this and if Eric was going to choose a path of evil and injustice and ostracism and bullying and he was going to choose not to give a damn about his choices/actions and the hurt they cause, then I was going to cut him and everything tied to him and reminding me of him out of my life for this life until the crisis is past. And that I'd choose for myself a haven of love and healing and genuine caring about me and my pain as the only way to help me heal and carry all these weights on my soul through this time of crossing the stepping stone path to a new paradigm (or mankind destroying itself entirely in the process.))
[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Joan of Arc. It's originally by Leonard Cohen, but I know it first and best from the Allison Crowe cover of the song...
"Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
As she came riding through the dark
No moon to keep her Armour bright
No man to get her through this dark and smoky night
She said, "I'm tired of the war
I want the kind of work I had before
A wedding dress or something white
To wear upon my swollen appetite"
Well, I'm glad to hear you talk this way
I've watched you riding every day
And there's something in me that yearns to win
Such a cold, such a lonesome heroine
And who are you?" she sternly spoke
To the one beneath the smoke
"Why, I'm fire, " he replied
"And I love your solitude, I love your pride"
"Well then fire, make your body cold
I'm going to give you mine to hold"
And saying this she climbed inside
To be his one, to be his only bride
And then deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And high above all these wedding guests
He hung the ashes of her lovely wedding dress
It was deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc
And then she clearly understood
If if he was fire, oh she must be wood
I saw her wince, I saw her cry
I saw the glory in her eye
Myself I long for love and light
But must it come so cruel, must it be so bright?"
I listen to the Allison Crowe cover on repeat whenever I'm feeling tired and alone and not wanting to carry the weight of it all. So a lot since Saturday....]
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