Run and tell all of the angels, This could take all night. Think I need a devil to help me. Get things right. Start me up a new revolution, 'Cause this one is a lie, We sat around laughing, And watch the last one die. I'm looking to the sky to save me, Looking for a sign of life, Looking for something help me burn out bright. I'm looking for a complication. Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying. Make my way back home, When I learn to fly.

O, with the Behind the Door, me knowing it exists and having seen the emails but not being willing to spend my money on it.... it's naught to do with the content -- it's a fuck ton of really great content promised. And it's naught to do with the price point, it's a ridiculously low, but reasonable expectation of what people can budget right now, price point compared to most artist's patreons... $10/month or $8.33/month if you buy the whole year is literally a Starbucks run to give up per month. I mean, it's neither of those....It was never anything like that.... It's exactly what I told you and warned you before was the problem, what needs to have the poisons drained out and healed that were created by the choice of blocking me on the band Instagram account for having been honest that the country music would stop me attending future Delta Rae shows and nothing being done by anyone in/involved with the band about being told straight out why any content exclusively on the band instagram is bullying unjust as a result of that 2018 choice that was made.  The damage that choice and the resulting choices/inactions created must be cleansed before I can let the band or anything to do with them back in......

It's nothing else. That's the only thing. That's all of it. And not a damn thing else. that's where the trust got broken, that's where the hurt is, that's where the break is, that's what makes me expect to be smacked where before I'd only expected good things. That's it. That's all of it. That's what's broken and blocking everything else. That's what needs to be fixed and healed and made whole and the poisons from it removed or nothing good will grow..... Not a damn thing else. You can do everything else right, but without facing and dealing with where/how things broke, none of it will matter and none of it will make a damn thing better....

And no matter what the fuck else you do or try to do.... The choices remain: face the fuckup and acknowledge it and start it healing the easier way OR leave it for me to purge out the poisons as best I can on my own and scar over the long harder way.  Those are the two options. The only two options for how this can move forward. I can't choose for you to do the first, your choices are your own as they always have been and always will be --  but I can tell you that if you don't decide to do the first, then you default to waiting on however the fuck long the second way takes.

It's not that I WANT it this way, it's not that I WANT to cut out all the reminders and not let anything new in.... It's just that it hurts and it hurts deep, all those broken shattered pieces of trust and the flinching away of expectation of hurt where I looked to find a source of joy.... It just hurts too much with all the broken pieces mixed in poisoning all of everything.... to try to let even the littlest bit of anything in without facing and healing this....

It's just not something that can be pretended and ignored away, it needs purging and healing..... And if I have to do that all on my own the hard way, I can't do it without getting distance from further hurting... And the only way I can find to do that on my own is to accept that even things intended to be good will cut me and hurt with the edges of the broken trust poisoning it mixed in with it.....

Which is why not allowing in the good while it's laced with poisons for me is what I'm choosing. Hoping that somehow that will get me to a point without breeding new hurts making things worse, so there can be some healing.... Because I'd really fucking like to have it healed. I want that more than anything else. I just can't do that by myself from here til the poisons are purged out... And I don't know how to do that in any other way if you ask me to face it and try to clean up the consequences of that fuckup of their past choices/actions by myself from only me facing it on my side....  damnit now my eyes are burning...

You're wrong if you think this is a damn thing I want or ever wanted or a choice I'd ever have made if not backed into a corner with no other options.... It's just the only way I can see for me having to do it alone by myself with nobody else's help to clean out the poisons of shattered trust following Britt's fuckup in 2018 and the fallout of nobody in the band ever facing that or dealing with it. I don't know what else to do except to start by stopping anything that makes it worse and continues to create more poisons.... Otherwise it's like trying to clean up an oil spill without patching/capping the damn leak, you're just making more of a mess by not dealing with the source of the poisons killing every good thing.....

So it's not about the content or the price or the branding or any damn thing like that. It's never going to be about that. It's about Britt's choices in 2018 in the name of the entire band and the choices of Eric (and the rest of the band) not to address it or fix it in 2019 when told straight out about it and how those sets of choices inverted everything good and turned it to poison. there can be nothing good or healing til that's faced and addressed and fixed and the poisons get purged....... What the fuck good does it do to try to get more birds to breed in the wetlands or plant some new trees if the broken pipe is still spilling oil all over to kill them along with everything else?

and I don't see what Eric or anyone else could expect of me if they won't fucking face it and clean up their own damn fuckups from the past, if I'm expected to have to do all the damage control and cleanup of it by myself before any healing can start.....

Have I not made that clear and been making that clear since fucking October of 2018?! Seriously, it's even in Eric's dms on his personal insta account from me in Spring of 2019 when I warned him that he only had two ways of losing me --1) continuing to try to force the country music selling out bullshit and 2) not cleaning up the mess the girls' made in the name of the entire band by getting defensive about the choice to try to be country.  And that the second would do the more lasting damage if not dealt with. I warned him of that straight out the very first time I tried to tell him about me having been blocked on the band account for being honest that the country music was what had made me decide not to go to their Nov 2018 Madison show even though I was less than a block away that night and was going to stop me going to further shows.. back in April/May of 2019 when he finally broke through the block in the bond I'd had since Oct and I realized that saying I was done over the behavior of the girls wasn't fair to Eric or any of the guys if they didn't know about what was occurring in the entire band's name.... When I first got the precogs of this path and where those choices would lead if he did know and chose not to do anything about it.....It's in his dms from my insta account, infinitefacets, if he goes back to it... I tried to tell him and warn him before we got to August and him deciding to go live on the band's instagram account while ignoring me telling him (and the rest of the band) publicly and privately in every possible means of communication why that was wrong and unjust and bullying via ostracism.... I tried to tell him,  I tried to warn him.  He just ignored me refused yo listen to me.  And so this is where that got us.....

I tried to stop this before it happened.... I did literally everything I could except make the choices of other people's free will for them. because that's a line I'll never cross. Good or bad choices, free will is sacrosanct and whether you rise or fall by your choices ultimately you must be allowed to make those choices to carve out your own karmic path....

Literally the ONLY thing you could do to make this easier and better and quicker and start it healing is to decide to turn and face and take ownership of the past fuckups and making right the wrongs of the past....  There's quite literally nothing else that can bring me even one step closer back to you or help to clean out the poisons of the broken trust in what the band claimed to stand for and broken trust in Eric giving a damn about knowingly causing hurt and doing something ethically wrong. And if you can't do that, then you leave it to me to clean the long hard way from being trapped in the middle of the poisons....

Also. I miss the polar bear in my dream space... I miss the comfort of curling up into him and feeling safe and loved and protected and right where I belong. And I know why I can't have my polar bear back in my dream space right now... But damnit I do miss him terribly..... Every fucking time I try to sleep that isn't a "passed out in exhaustion despite myself" type sleep.....

[Post Title: lyrics to the Foo Fighters song Learn To Fly]