Earlier today (well yesterday now, but I didn't sleep, so hush!) Mikaela said something that shook me. Deeply.
We were both upset over the continued lack of snow. And she said matter-of-factly, "Dani. You haven't got angry at it yet, have you?"
Dani, "Well no. Mostly I've just been sad over it all. Haven't gotten past that to get angry. Just sadly accepting it."
Mikaela (nodding emphatically): "Thay's what I thought. I didn't feel you get angry over the lack of snow. Because when you get angry, you're scary. Not a little scary. REALLY scary. that's why I say you're a Lady Polar Bear. It won't snow til you get good and angry at it. Because that's how you heal, you get angry at things that are wrong and you put up a fight to fix things."
Dani: "Yeah. But. This year it just weighed on me made me sad. You've been angry though."
Mikaela : "Yeah, but me angry isn't like you weather witching anger. Maybe a little, if I really want what you want, I can help you. But my anger does nothing by itself. you're the powerful force. You need to get angry to change anything. Including to make it FINALLY snow. If you don't get angry at how wrong it is, who knows when we'll EVER get snow....."
So then, at my grandma's, I glared up at the skies and felt that spark of anger and I full force glared at the skies thought, "It's fucking past time. You are going to snow a real snow, godsdamnit!"
And then, just like that, a few flakes filtered down and I grinned went inside to my grandma's before her pt appointment.
I got back and before I could say anything or even set the keys in the bowl by the door, Mikaela said completely self-satisfied, "You got angry at it. Finally. Didn't you?"
I was taken aback said, "I. Well. Yes. I did. How did you know?"
Mikaela (shrugged), "I felt it. So then I kept reloading the weather. Watched it change from scattered flurries to 1-2" then 2-4" then added a weather advisory. I've been cackling over it whenever I took a break from reading Pride & Prejudice to Audrey and Spock and Crystal."
But I found that interesting, her telling me that I heal things by getting angry at something that isn't right then defying it choosing to fight it. I never thought of it quite that way, but she's 100% right about me.
And, this is SUCH a gorgeous sparkly 3" of snow!!! 😁 and it didn't really start til I finished my errands of the afternoon/evening got to work around 5ish.
Also, I'm FINALLY going to read cover to cover voraciously The Winternight Trilogy! I bought the first one then waited AGES for the other two to be released in paperback. I started the first book <i>The Bear and the Nightingale</i> earlier in the week before Christmas, but had to set it aside because it's retelling of fairytales set in Russian winter ABOUT winter daemons and it made me sad for the lack of snow so I couldn't enjoy it as I knew I ought and I told myself I'd binge read it as soon as the next snow came to stay. Because it's a snow and red wine (and maybe a cozy hearthfire if I get some more wood) sort of series.
But this, this is perfect now!!! 😍 Finally!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Earlier today around 3pm (CST), while I was showering, I had the first contingent precog about Eric that I've had since the one I wrote about that made me cry for how it felt like a letting go of a dream you'd rather keep. I HAVE had contingent precogs with Dave in them since then AND he's been pretty constantly posting things he'll know will make me happy, make me smile or even laugh, and that are full of subtle inside jokes for me as well as constant, "see Diana and I are done done" hints AND I'll be seeing Dave again in just a couple weeks (January 17 and 18) for a couple shows in Ohio. But I've not had any contingent precogs involving Eric since the one in Sept/Oct that made me cry. Not til today.
Also, yesterday around noon-thirty, I went to do one of those silly "let your phone auto complete finish the phrase" memes that started, "in 2020 I'll" and even though almost everyone else's seemed rather banal, I thought I'd play. And mine was seeming normal enough as it fills in "In 2020 I'll be waiting" and then it continues "with" "my" "arms" and I just keep clicking WAITING for it to break the bloody damn lyrics and it never did! How the hell did my phone's auto-suggestions provide me with the lyrics to Meaning Of It All?!?! That is statistically so improbable it borders on truly impossible.....
I didn't have the sng on in the background at all that day. And I haven't even ever typed those lyrics into my phone. I don't usually type lyrics on my phone, it takes too bloody damn long. I look them up and copy them then read them while the song plays inside my head to check for errors. So i KNOW I've NEVER tapped in the line "I'll be there waiting with my arms outstretched to reach for you my love" on my phone. And there's a 0% chance that it's even the slightest possible for it to randomly follow it with "Because we all want love."
I mean, wtaf?!?! That's not even my subconscious, it's a digital algorithm for predictive text. And of all songs, that's the one it decided to auto complete for me.
That's the all time craziest auto complete from my phone of EVER.... Even crazier than when it went on a regressive loop at the end of one of them that said "what about the red wine and what about the red wine and--" for as many repetitions as I bothered attempting.
So WHY did my phone decide that's how to fill in about 2020?!?! And that even before he started getting very noisy on the bond flooding me with his love, let alone more than a day before a contingent precog about him. (This was a new one too.)
And it's all opaque to me, I can't cheat to peer into it. That only works once the choices that lead down a fate line have been made. And something here is still in the air, still flipping hasn't landed yet.
It feels like there's something everyone knows but me. And I will, in the proper time, I just don't see it yet. Happens sometimes. Almost always while the coin is spinning, before decisions that determine the future path are made.
Still. It's odd, non?
I'm going to try not to think of it though. It's probably just a fluke. And I should crush it before I let myself dwell on the perhapses it awakens.... Soon enough things will go back to the way they've been fucked up for 14 months now. This is just a moment of abnormal false signs and meaningless serendipity. I don't have it in me to give them yet another chance, another shred of hope, just to see it shattered again. I'd rather pretend that there's no meaning to any of these random things than to get my hopes up just to get hurt again the same way and for the same reasons that anything to do with them or any hope for a future with Eric has become since his sister decided to block me for being honest that the country music was going to make me stop attending shows.
It's the same reason why when I've been so upset recently with so much weighing on me, I won't let me turn to him or even hope from anything from him to help ease it.... Because I'd rather not let him in just to be hurt by the consequences of his sister's actions of 14 months ago. I'd rather curl up around my hurt and ignore him not let him in than trust him only to get hit again by her relational bullying behavior pattern. I don't have the emotional carrying capacity to take any more of it any longer. Especially not on top of the rest that's been going on.
So I'd rather tell myself not to believe there's anything to the coincidence, that I shouldn't let me think about him. Not to let me hope.
Because that's better than being disappointed and hurt. By the same fucking patterns. Again.
I should know better by now. It's better not to let me hope for any change. Because seriously, what the fuck has changed for the better in the dynamic that has grown so toxic? Nothing. Nothing at all. So why should I expect anything different than what they've been dishing out for 14 months now? I'd be a fool to let myself hope any of it means something bigger than random unrelated coincidences, y'know?
Also, yesterday around noon-thirty, I went to do one of those silly "let your phone auto complete finish the phrase" memes that started, "in 2020 I'll" and even though almost everyone else's seemed rather banal, I thought I'd play. And mine was seeming normal enough as it fills in "In 2020 I'll be waiting" and then it continues "with" "my" "arms" and I just keep clicking WAITING for it to break the bloody damn lyrics and it never did! How the hell did my phone's auto-suggestions provide me with the lyrics to Meaning Of It All?!?! That is statistically so improbable it borders on truly impossible.....
I didn't have the sng on in the background at all that day. And I haven't even ever typed those lyrics into my phone. I don't usually type lyrics on my phone, it takes too bloody damn long. I look them up and copy them then read them while the song plays inside my head to check for errors. So i KNOW I've NEVER tapped in the line "I'll be there waiting with my arms outstretched to reach for you my love" on my phone. And there's a 0% chance that it's even the slightest possible for it to randomly follow it with "Because we all want love."
I mean, wtaf?!?! That's not even my subconscious, it's a digital algorithm for predictive text. And of all songs, that's the one it decided to auto complete for me.
That's the all time craziest auto complete from my phone of EVER.... Even crazier than when it went on a regressive loop at the end of one of them that said "what about the red wine and what about the red wine and--" for as many repetitions as I bothered attempting.
So WHY did my phone decide that's how to fill in about 2020?!?! And that even before he started getting very noisy on the bond flooding me with his love, let alone more than a day before a contingent precog about him. (This was a new one too.)
And it's all opaque to me, I can't cheat to peer into it. That only works once the choices that lead down a fate line have been made. And something here is still in the air, still flipping hasn't landed yet.
It feels like there's something everyone knows but me. And I will, in the proper time, I just don't see it yet. Happens sometimes. Almost always while the coin is spinning, before decisions that determine the future path are made.
Still. It's odd, non?
I'm going to try not to think of it though. It's probably just a fluke. And I should crush it before I let myself dwell on the perhapses it awakens.... Soon enough things will go back to the way they've been fucked up for 14 months now. This is just a moment of abnormal false signs and meaningless serendipity. I don't have it in me to give them yet another chance, another shred of hope, just to see it shattered again. I'd rather pretend that there's no meaning to any of these random things than to get my hopes up just to get hurt again the same way and for the same reasons that anything to do with them or any hope for a future with Eric has become since his sister decided to block me for being honest that the country music was going to make me stop attending shows.
It's the same reason why when I've been so upset recently with so much weighing on me, I won't let me turn to him or even hope from anything from him to help ease it.... Because I'd rather not let him in just to be hurt by the consequences of his sister's actions of 14 months ago. I'd rather curl up around my hurt and ignore him not let him in than trust him only to get hit again by her relational bullying behavior pattern. I don't have the emotional carrying capacity to take any more of it any longer. Especially not on top of the rest that's been going on.
So I'd rather tell myself not to believe there's anything to the coincidence, that I shouldn't let me think about him. Not to let me hope.
Because that's better than being disappointed and hurt. By the same fucking patterns. Again.
I should know better by now. It's better not to let me hope for any change. Because seriously, what the fuck has changed for the better in the dynamic that has grown so toxic? Nothing. Nothing at all. So why should I expect anything different than what they've been dishing out for 14 months now? I'd be a fool to let myself hope any of it means something bigger than random unrelated coincidences, y'know?
Friday, December 27, 2019
I had a low grade migraine this morning, most likely from the barometric pressure change, but had promised to take grandma to her doctor's appointment so I went to be at her house by 10 instead of resting. Now, I'm old enough and my migraines have been an issue long enough (they started to get bad when I hit puberty, though as a child I did get stomach aches/throwing up with auras which is typical of migraines in children) that I know trying to power through a migraine mild enough for me to function just makes them get exponentially worse the longer I try to keep doing things instead of putting myself into a hibernating state til the pain passes. I do know better.....
And then, unfortunately, the offgassing chemicals of the construction/rennovations at GHC Sauk Trails since the horrible flooding last year that closed the clinic for 14 months made my migraine get astronomically worse waiting on grandma's appointment to end. (I'm a bit of a canary to offgassing chemicals, always. Things that longterm give anyone cancer will give me migraines and make me wilt like a dying flower that had its stem snapped. And it can happen quickly, scares people when they see it. Especially if they don't know about how sensitive I am to chemicals and toxins.)
By 1:08, I was in such a state that it was all I could do to drive my grandma back home. And she insisted I lie down on her couch to hold still and cover my eyes to block out all light as I told her that's the only thing would help. And I let her fuss over me, tucking me in and putting music on, and eventually drinking a small amount of juice after her 2:30 cognitive testing "speech therapy" in home appointment ended (went extraordinarily well!!) I made myself leave around 4:00 though because I could tell after 3 hours of resting that it wouldn't get better any time soon and I'd rather get my dog curl up in my bed til it passed then sleep on her couch if it ended up being 12+ hours to full recovery from it. (even once the all consuming pain and nausea passes, I can still have auras and any movement or light can start it again for several more hours.)
So I left her place and threw up in her parking lot from the migraine but was hellbent deyermined to get my dog then get home. (look, I'm a stubborn bitch sometimes, even if it's not in my best interests.) Then had to pull over rather suddenly into the Cress Funeral Home parking lot to dry heave and throw up more bile on the way home.
But I got my dog and a very long hug from Mikaela (who also gets terrible migraines) before making it home. (being around people when I'm migraine is hard because 1) I don't have the energy to block out the noisiness of their emotions/thoughts (a psychic spiritual defense I have to keep up any time I'm surrounded by people to not be constantly bombarded by their thoughts) and 2) I experience peoples energy/chi as colored light surrounding them the same way I experience musical timbres as colored light (weirdly, most singers have similar vocal timbre color to their soul light - throws me sets me on edge when they don't match) and the soul lights, being lights, cause me pain same as physical light. (weirdly though, music timbre colors do NOT cause me pain when I have a migraine even though the colors are akin to chi light - music playing is the only thing that helps me through a bad migraine and certain timbre colors reduce the painful migraine auras random bursts of light/color. Specifically, piano, acoustic guitar, harp, string arrangements, and specific voices help to reduce the migraine visual auras that are flashes of colored light like bursts of energies but without a source. My auras during migraines get worse during solar storms and eclipses and during certain times when the veils between worlds are thin - I think those migraines are honestly like blowing a circuit inside my head from all the energies pouring into the part of my brain (which runs via electricity) that processes my psychic/spiritual/magical/intuitive gifts. Can't scientifically prove it, but overuse of my gifts or during high energy celestial events always seems to blow a fuse in my brain gives me my worst migraines with intense light-energy auras.)
Then right after unlocking my own door, the front door buzzed open and of all people, it was Jeannine. Brian and Jeannine are close family friends, Brian has known my da (also named Brian) since before he met my mum (named Jeanne.) (Yeah, Brian & Jeanne are close friends with Brian & Jeannine. Names have a weird tendency of repeating or being bizarrely similar in my family close friends groups. It gets confusing but you get used to it. No other Daniella, but my family has always pronounced ny nickname Dani as Donnie, and the wife of my da's cousin Eric is named Bonnie. (Eric lived in our basement when I was very young and I called him "Cousin Ic" because I couldn't do an English r, only guttural French r or dropped it entirely, as a kid and I had greatest difficulty if the r was in the middle of words.) So in my family, "Eric and Bonnie" has been a thing since I was like 6. I also have an Uncle Dave - so both those names are repetitions within the family..... As well as an Aunt Linda and an Aunt Lynda one on each side of the family, a dad named Brian and a cousin Ryan, a grandma named Richelle and my sister named Michelle and cousin Jason's wife being Michelle, an Aunt Kath and step-aunt Cathy on the same side of the family..... Before we even get into friends and family friends with similar names....) Anyway, Jeannine has known me this whole life but never seen me with a migraine. She was visiting Pamela down the hall (the same one who has been such a bitch on a war path over dried mud off a boot she thought was animal feces in the hallway in the last week) and I didn't have any idea they knew each other. but Jeannine is a very old soul I know from Egypt millenia ago before this life and deeply spiritual empath with VERY strong healing gifts. So I apologized to her for not being my usual sunshiney self due to having a migraine, she looked me in the eyes said, "Wow. That's quite the electrical storm you have in there. You shouldn't have pushed it this far without taking care of yourself, not even for your grandma. Rest sweet one, you have time now to heal it before more battles." and then she hugged me and just took away the pain in my head that was already there before I could muster the energy to stop her. (taking away the physical pain of another soul is different than rapid accelerated healing - removing pain does take a toll on the healer in exhaustion and taking a portion of that pain in your own body in the same spot. So given how bad my migraines get and how quickly it returns, I genuinely don't usually let other healers help take my migraine pain away - only my father, my cousin Vincent, and my niece Monroe can sneak around my defenses to take any of it away from my migraines. And now Jeannine. It already started rebuilding from the light in the hall and me moving as soon as she let me go, but the amount of pain she took away was ridiculous and enabled me to take my contacts out change into pjs and put music on before resting WITHOUT another round of retching up bile and dry heaving (which I had been fighting to make it to the bathroom before the next round of it from the migraine before she took all that pain from me.)
It was an unexpected serendipity and I'm beyond words grateful for her choosing to heal me take away the pain for me like that. I haven't thrown up since and by the time I could rest, it was mild enough that now 7 hours of sleep later the last "this could come back if I turn on a light or move" twinges have passed - and before she did that I knew it to be a 20-36 hours of hibernation with intermittent bouts of dry heaving every time I turned my head or rolled over for the next 12-18 hours to fully dissipate that migraine entirely with how bad it got due to me pushing it.... And I'm so incredibly grateful for that unexpected kindness and gift!!
Anyway. All of that was background. What I meant to write here was that during the 7 hours of my sleeping off the last healing of the migraine, no matter how light or deeply I slept, Eric was constantly there in my dream space while I rested to heal. And all of it sweet, none of it complicated. Mostly just...him holding me and sometimes kissing me or stroking my hair while I was forced to lay still and rest - but mostly just us cuddling while I rested to heal, him holding me, asking me if I'd please stay because this peace of being able to just hold me feel the love between us is all he's ever really wanted and been seeking trying to make his. He didn't ask me anything else, wasn't angry or defensive, just wanted to hold me and convince me that I stay with him so we could find the way out of the mess made these last years and we could finally have and keep what we both desire more than anything else. And that was it. But every time I closed my eyes to sleep/dream state while my body repaired the electrical storm in my brain, some part of his soul was there in shared dream space just holding me and loving me asking me to just let us keep this make it real....
It's like some part of his soul is just waiting with open arms, whether he's awake or sleeping, hoping for me to let him in again to accept his love and let mine flow into him. And it's everything I want or ever wanted. It feels like finally coming home to rest within that place where there is only love given and love received between Eric and me. And accepting it, letting myself relax into it, is the most comforting healing peaceful thing I've ever known.
And it's not that I don't want to.... I want it more than anything. I just genuinely don't think I can due to the ostracism created by blocking anyone on the band account then putting content exclusively there. That's not right or fair or just - and it's a sick soul that can create or perpetuate intentional systems of cruelty and inequality rather than fighting to dismantle them wherever they are found no matter who created it..... It's just not in my nature to have relativist ethics and any form of bullying angers me every time it happens... It always pushes me immediately to anger and wakes up in me the warrioress defending the defenseless from the cruelty of another..... I can't stop myself from gerting angry at seeing anyone taking part in bullying of any form any more than I can stop myself from eventually blinking.... And nobody gets a pass on it, because it's not about the person who does the bullying but about the way the bullying hurts whoever is victim(s) of the acts of cruelty....
And it doesn't matter how much I want to rest in that peace and love and light between Eric and me. It can't be stable to last in this life while the band is engaging in relational bullying via ostracism, and certainly not when he is actively being a bully due to that system of ostracism existing at all.... It's a right versus wrong issue bigger than anything I might selfishly desire or he might desire. And it's not negotiable, I can't bypass it or let it slide, there's no room for compromising with cruelty without condoning and engaging in cruelty yourself.... And my soul rebels at that, instinctively, because fighting it is why I chose to incarnate all those millenia ago. It was seeing injustices and evils that someone needed to stand to protect the innocents and what is good here made me say, "if not me then who?" and begin incarnating in the mortal cycle of souls.... It's not possible for me to forgive or ignore or condone bullying or acts of intentional cruelty at ANY level of injustice or suffering it creates. It's why this is never going to be dropped by me toward the band or toward the girls who were involved in creating the system unless the system of ostracism is dismantled purged from the band account and this is properly dealt with healed. There is no path forward and no real lasting rapprochement and healing without fixing what you have allowed to poison everything the band does. No matter how how hard you work or much other good you try to do to offset this, so long as you allow anything you create or are part of to be used as a vehicle of injustice or intentional cruelty. There just isn't. Not with me at least....
I'm sorry but I can't react any other way to any instance of bullying or intentional cruelty. Not for anyone, no matter how deep my love for them. Not in this present lifetime or any of my lives past or future.... It's not a lack of love in me or me not desiring his love, it's because the bullying created by instituting any system of ostracism is an injust act of deliberate cruelty, which makes this an issue antithetical to the core of my nature at its deepest brightest burning isness of my soul.
And then, unfortunately, the offgassing chemicals of the construction/rennovations at GHC Sauk Trails since the horrible flooding last year that closed the clinic for 14 months made my migraine get astronomically worse waiting on grandma's appointment to end. (I'm a bit of a canary to offgassing chemicals, always. Things that longterm give anyone cancer will give me migraines and make me wilt like a dying flower that had its stem snapped. And it can happen quickly, scares people when they see it. Especially if they don't know about how sensitive I am to chemicals and toxins.)
By 1:08, I was in such a state that it was all I could do to drive my grandma back home. And she insisted I lie down on her couch to hold still and cover my eyes to block out all light as I told her that's the only thing would help. And I let her fuss over me, tucking me in and putting music on, and eventually drinking a small amount of juice after her 2:30 cognitive testing "speech therapy" in home appointment ended (went extraordinarily well!!) I made myself leave around 4:00 though because I could tell after 3 hours of resting that it wouldn't get better any time soon and I'd rather get my dog curl up in my bed til it passed then sleep on her couch if it ended up being 12+ hours to full recovery from it. (even once the all consuming pain and nausea passes, I can still have auras and any movement or light can start it again for several more hours.)
So I left her place and threw up in her parking lot from the migraine but was hellbent deyermined to get my dog then get home. (look, I'm a stubborn bitch sometimes, even if it's not in my best interests.) Then had to pull over rather suddenly into the Cress Funeral Home parking lot to dry heave and throw up more bile on the way home.
But I got my dog and a very long hug from Mikaela (who also gets terrible migraines) before making it home. (being around people when I'm migraine is hard because 1) I don't have the energy to block out the noisiness of their emotions/thoughts (a psychic spiritual defense I have to keep up any time I'm surrounded by people to not be constantly bombarded by their thoughts) and 2) I experience peoples energy/chi as colored light surrounding them the same way I experience musical timbres as colored light (weirdly, most singers have similar vocal timbre color to their soul light - throws me sets me on edge when they don't match) and the soul lights, being lights, cause me pain same as physical light. (weirdly though, music timbre colors do NOT cause me pain when I have a migraine even though the colors are akin to chi light - music playing is the only thing that helps me through a bad migraine and certain timbre colors reduce the painful migraine auras random bursts of light/color. Specifically, piano, acoustic guitar, harp, string arrangements, and specific voices help to reduce the migraine visual auras that are flashes of colored light like bursts of energies but without a source. My auras during migraines get worse during solar storms and eclipses and during certain times when the veils between worlds are thin - I think those migraines are honestly like blowing a circuit inside my head from all the energies pouring into the part of my brain (which runs via electricity) that processes my psychic/spiritual/magical/intuitive gifts. Can't scientifically prove it, but overuse of my gifts or during high energy celestial events always seems to blow a fuse in my brain gives me my worst migraines with intense light-energy auras.)
Then right after unlocking my own door, the front door buzzed open and of all people, it was Jeannine. Brian and Jeannine are close family friends, Brian has known my da (also named Brian) since before he met my mum (named Jeanne.) (Yeah, Brian & Jeanne are close friends with Brian & Jeannine. Names have a weird tendency of repeating or being bizarrely similar in my family close friends groups. It gets confusing but you get used to it. No other Daniella, but my family has always pronounced ny nickname Dani as Donnie, and the wife of my da's cousin Eric is named Bonnie. (Eric lived in our basement when I was very young and I called him "Cousin Ic" because I couldn't do an English r, only guttural French r or dropped it entirely, as a kid and I had greatest difficulty if the r was in the middle of words.) So in my family, "Eric and Bonnie" has been a thing since I was like 6. I also have an Uncle Dave - so both those names are repetitions within the family..... As well as an Aunt Linda and an Aunt Lynda one on each side of the family, a dad named Brian and a cousin Ryan, a grandma named Richelle and my sister named Michelle and cousin Jason's wife being Michelle, an Aunt Kath and step-aunt Cathy on the same side of the family..... Before we even get into friends and family friends with similar names....) Anyway, Jeannine has known me this whole life but never seen me with a migraine. She was visiting Pamela down the hall (the same one who has been such a bitch on a war path over dried mud off a boot she thought was animal feces in the hallway in the last week) and I didn't have any idea they knew each other. but Jeannine is a very old soul I know from Egypt millenia ago before this life and deeply spiritual empath with VERY strong healing gifts. So I apologized to her for not being my usual sunshiney self due to having a migraine, she looked me in the eyes said, "Wow. That's quite the electrical storm you have in there. You shouldn't have pushed it this far without taking care of yourself, not even for your grandma. Rest sweet one, you have time now to heal it before more battles." and then she hugged me and just took away the pain in my head that was already there before I could muster the energy to stop her. (taking away the physical pain of another soul is different than rapid accelerated healing - removing pain does take a toll on the healer in exhaustion and taking a portion of that pain in your own body in the same spot. So given how bad my migraines get and how quickly it returns, I genuinely don't usually let other healers help take my migraine pain away - only my father, my cousin Vincent, and my niece Monroe can sneak around my defenses to take any of it away from my migraines. And now Jeannine. It already started rebuilding from the light in the hall and me moving as soon as she let me go, but the amount of pain she took away was ridiculous and enabled me to take my contacts out change into pjs and put music on before resting WITHOUT another round of retching up bile and dry heaving (which I had been fighting to make it to the bathroom before the next round of it from the migraine before she took all that pain from me.)
It was an unexpected serendipity and I'm beyond words grateful for her choosing to heal me take away the pain for me like that. I haven't thrown up since and by the time I could rest, it was mild enough that now 7 hours of sleep later the last "this could come back if I turn on a light or move" twinges have passed - and before she did that I knew it to be a 20-36 hours of hibernation with intermittent bouts of dry heaving every time I turned my head or rolled over for the next 12-18 hours to fully dissipate that migraine entirely with how bad it got due to me pushing it.... And I'm so incredibly grateful for that unexpected kindness and gift!!
Anyway. All of that was background. What I meant to write here was that during the 7 hours of my sleeping off the last healing of the migraine, no matter how light or deeply I slept, Eric was constantly there in my dream space while I rested to heal. And all of it sweet, none of it complicated. Mostly just...him holding me and sometimes kissing me or stroking my hair while I was forced to lay still and rest - but mostly just us cuddling while I rested to heal, him holding me, asking me if I'd please stay because this peace of being able to just hold me feel the love between us is all he's ever really wanted and been seeking trying to make his. He didn't ask me anything else, wasn't angry or defensive, just wanted to hold me and convince me that I stay with him so we could find the way out of the mess made these last years and we could finally have and keep what we both desire more than anything else. And that was it. But every time I closed my eyes to sleep/dream state while my body repaired the electrical storm in my brain, some part of his soul was there in shared dream space just holding me and loving me asking me to just let us keep this make it real....
It's like some part of his soul is just waiting with open arms, whether he's awake or sleeping, hoping for me to let him in again to accept his love and let mine flow into him. And it's everything I want or ever wanted. It feels like finally coming home to rest within that place where there is only love given and love received between Eric and me. And accepting it, letting myself relax into it, is the most comforting healing peaceful thing I've ever known.
And it's not that I don't want to.... I want it more than anything. I just genuinely don't think I can due to the ostracism created by blocking anyone on the band account then putting content exclusively there. That's not right or fair or just - and it's a sick soul that can create or perpetuate intentional systems of cruelty and inequality rather than fighting to dismantle them wherever they are found no matter who created it..... It's just not in my nature to have relativist ethics and any form of bullying angers me every time it happens... It always pushes me immediately to anger and wakes up in me the warrioress defending the defenseless from the cruelty of another..... I can't stop myself from gerting angry at seeing anyone taking part in bullying of any form any more than I can stop myself from eventually blinking.... And nobody gets a pass on it, because it's not about the person who does the bullying but about the way the bullying hurts whoever is victim(s) of the acts of cruelty....
And it doesn't matter how much I want to rest in that peace and love and light between Eric and me. It can't be stable to last in this life while the band is engaging in relational bullying via ostracism, and certainly not when he is actively being a bully due to that system of ostracism existing at all.... It's a right versus wrong issue bigger than anything I might selfishly desire or he might desire. And it's not negotiable, I can't bypass it or let it slide, there's no room for compromising with cruelty without condoning and engaging in cruelty yourself.... And my soul rebels at that, instinctively, because fighting it is why I chose to incarnate all those millenia ago. It was seeing injustices and evils that someone needed to stand to protect the innocents and what is good here made me say, "if not me then who?" and begin incarnating in the mortal cycle of souls.... It's not possible for me to forgive or ignore or condone bullying or acts of intentional cruelty at ANY level of injustice or suffering it creates. It's why this is never going to be dropped by me toward the band or toward the girls who were involved in creating the system unless the system of ostracism is dismantled purged from the band account and this is properly dealt with healed. There is no path forward and no real lasting rapprochement and healing without fixing what you have allowed to poison everything the band does. No matter how how hard you work or much other good you try to do to offset this, so long as you allow anything you create or are part of to be used as a vehicle of injustice or intentional cruelty. There just isn't. Not with me at least....
I'm sorry but I can't react any other way to any instance of bullying or intentional cruelty. Not for anyone, no matter how deep my love for them. Not in this present lifetime or any of my lives past or future.... It's not a lack of love in me or me not desiring his love, it's because the bullying created by instituting any system of ostracism is an injust act of deliberate cruelty, which makes this an issue antithetical to the core of my nature at its deepest brightest burning isness of my soul.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
I'm so very tired.
Soul sick tired.
I just got back from about 11 hours at my aunt & uncle's house talking with them and my cousin, not the one in L. A. going back repeatedly to her situation - the other cousin family stress point that blew up over the last few months. (the preliminary divorce/custody hearing did NOT go well on Monday, heard about it at like 6:30 right before heading to meet parents and Cath Cath to see the new Star Wars, then I REALLY needed anything to make me smile an emotional hug and uplift, but didn't expect any on socials at like 11pm or later, so curled up with my dog as best I could hope for Mon night....) Anyway, the rest of the family all left after about 3 hours, but I stayed to talk and it turned into me being there for nearly 11 houra helping to clarify find plan of action.
Basically, messy messy divorce involving 3 years of abuse, controlling, and substance issues - and a 2.5 year old child in the middle of it..... And I told them that the hardest thing with abusive narcissist cases is evidence. Her testimony and his are hearsay, have equal validity - but hard evidence, preferably 3rd party, to back up her story shifts that balance. So I helped them find the answers they had but couldn't see (this is one of my strengths, bringing hidden things to light) for hard evidence to back up her story. I also helped them get ready for worst case scenarios and told them it was time to level set now that they knew what they were dealing with and expect that his attorney is going to try to paint her as unfit parent and an unfit guardianship household if possible because he's playing the zero sum game of, "if I can't have her, none of you can either" with their daughter.... I also told her we need to crash course her on finding her Zen and not letting him, his family, or attorney destabilize her no matter what they say - because he knows all her buttons and will psychological warfare to try to get her to appear unstable and have an anxiety attack or spin out in front of the courts. As much as it hurts now to do the preliminary legwork on going through the evidence available and forcing spiritual growth on her in crash course form after 3 years of silent abuse breaking her AND she'll need to learn well enough to maintain it while being triggered by someone who knows how to push her is going to be fucking hard but she won't regret it even if she doesn't need it. She's strong enough for it, if she knows she needs to do it in order not to lose the war before it's begun. If she needs it but doesn't prepare gets blindsided in the court, she WILL regret it and be unable to fix it at that point....I told her straight up that this was going to be hard, but if she can do it, she can turn the tables to not be two steps behind always on the defensive when she should have everything in her favor. I also told her straight out that she will lose if she plays his game because she can't manipulate or fight dirty at the level he can - her best way to destabilize him and infuriate him so he will mess up is to be transparently honest open book, refuse to react how he expects her to or goads her, and above all to stay calm keep showing her responsibility and good decision making skills and how her fitness as a parent is only growing stronger more stable the longer she is free of his controlling abuse.... Killing with kindness and gathering concrete evidence is the only way - if she or her lawyer tries to fight dirty or manipulate him, she loses because he's far better at it than she could ever be.
They got an uninterrupted 8 hour session with a precog Capricorn moon during the start of Capricorn season. (and I will absolutely peek down the potential future fate lines to strategize and advise how to avoid the worst case scenarios if you will listen to me.) After a 3 hour family get together, which after everyone had eaten became open forum about the elephant in the room by me and Sabra discussing it and everyone gathering round as they realized to help where they could.
It was hard, but important and good. And I promised to help wherever needed or I best can, at their discretion. I will be going with her next Friday to pick up V from him at his parents house. (because this definitely helps me introvert recharge. 😂 )
And tomorrow (today?) I need to be at grandma's no later than 10am for pt then doctor's appointment then scheduling other appointments for her.... Then afternoon with Mikaela off school. Then working all night into the wee hours/sunrise to get hours in. And Friday need to be at grandma's at 11am for ot.
And honest, I could really use a hug. But not a cursory hug, one of those hugs long enough to release oxytocin make you feel loved and safe and somewhere you can rest for a bit to gain strength. That sort of being held in love strength giving hug. I need that right now....
But it's not to be. At least tonight I have no one here to give me that sort of hug. I have me, a 30lb dog, and 18lb cat, and a society finch.... So I'm gonna go reheat my 2 slices of leftover pizza for midnight dinner because I haven't eaten even snacks since about 1pm, amd make some tea to drink after I finish this Izze while I wait for the candles in the menorah to burn down. (I'm not strict about needing to do them at sundown, just about reciting the blessing and lighting them so they finish before sunrise of the next day.) Then bed. And tomorrow's battles will be there for me tomorrow.
P. S. Accidentally watched Eric's story on insta when I got home catching up - left it running after viewing someone else's story. But it was good - it was a picture of him and his nephew, and it made me smile made my heart happy. And afterward, his unwatched story went away didn't stay up so there was nothing there to trigger me over him bullying due to the system of ostracism on the band account that was created 14 months ago. So it was good, and it made me smile gave me a little gleam of light instead of hurting me. This time.
And I feel honor bound to acknowledge that truth, even in the midst of the rest of the intensely serious drama I'm juggling right now.
Soul sick tired.
I just got back from about 11 hours at my aunt & uncle's house talking with them and my cousin, not the one in L. A. going back repeatedly to her situation - the other cousin family stress point that blew up over the last few months. (the preliminary divorce/custody hearing did NOT go well on Monday, heard about it at like 6:30 right before heading to meet parents and Cath Cath to see the new Star Wars, then I REALLY needed anything to make me smile an emotional hug and uplift, but didn't expect any on socials at like 11pm or later, so curled up with my dog as best I could hope for Mon night....) Anyway, the rest of the family all left after about 3 hours, but I stayed to talk and it turned into me being there for nearly 11 houra helping to clarify find plan of action.
Basically, messy messy divorce involving 3 years of abuse, controlling, and substance issues - and a 2.5 year old child in the middle of it..... And I told them that the hardest thing with abusive narcissist cases is evidence. Her testimony and his are hearsay, have equal validity - but hard evidence, preferably 3rd party, to back up her story shifts that balance. So I helped them find the answers they had but couldn't see (this is one of my strengths, bringing hidden things to light) for hard evidence to back up her story. I also helped them get ready for worst case scenarios and told them it was time to level set now that they knew what they were dealing with and expect that his attorney is going to try to paint her as unfit parent and an unfit guardianship household if possible because he's playing the zero sum game of, "if I can't have her, none of you can either" with their daughter.... I also told her we need to crash course her on finding her Zen and not letting him, his family, or attorney destabilize her no matter what they say - because he knows all her buttons and will psychological warfare to try to get her to appear unstable and have an anxiety attack or spin out in front of the courts. As much as it hurts now to do the preliminary legwork on going through the evidence available and forcing spiritual growth on her in crash course form after 3 years of silent abuse breaking her AND she'll need to learn well enough to maintain it while being triggered by someone who knows how to push her is going to be fucking hard but she won't regret it even if she doesn't need it. She's strong enough for it, if she knows she needs to do it in order not to lose the war before it's begun. If she needs it but doesn't prepare gets blindsided in the court, she WILL regret it and be unable to fix it at that point....I told her straight up that this was going to be hard, but if she can do it, she can turn the tables to not be two steps behind always on the defensive when she should have everything in her favor. I also told her straight out that she will lose if she plays his game because she can't manipulate or fight dirty at the level he can - her best way to destabilize him and infuriate him so he will mess up is to be transparently honest open book, refuse to react how he expects her to or goads her, and above all to stay calm keep showing her responsibility and good decision making skills and how her fitness as a parent is only growing stronger more stable the longer she is free of his controlling abuse.... Killing with kindness and gathering concrete evidence is the only way - if she or her lawyer tries to fight dirty or manipulate him, she loses because he's far better at it than she could ever be.
They got an uninterrupted 8 hour session with a precog Capricorn moon during the start of Capricorn season. (and I will absolutely peek down the potential future fate lines to strategize and advise how to avoid the worst case scenarios if you will listen to me.) After a 3 hour family get together, which after everyone had eaten became open forum about the elephant in the room by me and Sabra discussing it and everyone gathering round as they realized to help where they could.
It was hard, but important and good. And I promised to help wherever needed or I best can, at their discretion. I will be going with her next Friday to pick up V from him at his parents house. (because this definitely helps me introvert recharge. 😂 )
And tomorrow (today?) I need to be at grandma's no later than 10am for pt then doctor's appointment then scheduling other appointments for her.... Then afternoon with Mikaela off school. Then working all night into the wee hours/sunrise to get hours in. And Friday need to be at grandma's at 11am for ot.
And honest, I could really use a hug. But not a cursory hug, one of those hugs long enough to release oxytocin make you feel loved and safe and somewhere you can rest for a bit to gain strength. That sort of being held in love strength giving hug. I need that right now....
But it's not to be. At least tonight I have no one here to give me that sort of hug. I have me, a 30lb dog, and 18lb cat, and a society finch.... So I'm gonna go reheat my 2 slices of leftover pizza for midnight dinner because I haven't eaten even snacks since about 1pm, amd make some tea to drink after I finish this Izze while I wait for the candles in the menorah to burn down. (I'm not strict about needing to do them at sundown, just about reciting the blessing and lighting them so they finish before sunrise of the next day.) Then bed. And tomorrow's battles will be there for me tomorrow.
P. S. Accidentally watched Eric's story on insta when I got home catching up - left it running after viewing someone else's story. But it was good - it was a picture of him and his nephew, and it made me smile made my heart happy. And afterward, his unwatched story went away didn't stay up so there was nothing there to trigger me over him bullying due to the system of ostracism on the band account that was created 14 months ago. So it was good, and it made me smile gave me a little gleam of light instead of hurting me. This time.
And I feel honor bound to acknowledge that truth, even in the midst of the rest of the intensely serious drama I'm juggling right now.
Monday, December 23, 2019
So this is really unfair of me, and I know it, but I'm rather grumphy right now about grandma texting me at 8:30am having to change out of my super cozy pjs to go take my grandma at 11 to the bank and lunch together and grocery shopping when I'd been looking forward to a slow lazy morning once munchkin dropped off before taking her to her ortho appointment at 3:30.... Then maybe book shopping before going to see Star Wars with my parents and Cath (gonna miss the Packers game unless watch it with maman afterward because she dvred it....)
But my inner two year old is throwing a massive tantrum about not wanting to change out of my pinstripe with polar bears wearing bow ties pjs. Yeah, you read that right. Cozy soft polar bear in bowties pg pants.
But damnit I'm keeping my Channukah socks on all day. All day you understand!!
In fact, it's Channukah socks all week except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.....
I'm gonna go make me some coffee and eat like a dozen Christmas cookies to force myself to be my sweet happy chipper self. Instead of this overtired because insufficient introvert recharge time mess of a "don'wanna" toddler throwing a tantrum about seeing people I love who actively need me and my help right now.
P. S. This is how I get when overtired (be it physically of soul energy levels due to insufficient introvert/nature time in woods or harden.) I turn into a cranky two year old who needs a nap with a bad case of stubborn don't wannas. Good news is shiny things, sweets or coffee/tea, and live music can make me all smiles happiness again for 3-12 hours as a temporary patch. (again like an overtired toddler.) But the only REAL fix is a solid recharge time for me.... Sleep and some time without the inner noise of other humans thinking/feelinf so damn loudly and /or time with trees/stars/open water is how you fix it for reals.
P. P. S. Since it's Packers game day AND i'm going to see the new Star Wars tonight, I am absolutely wearing this shirt (from the kids (boys) section of Target on St. Patrick's Day clearance) with a sunshiney yellow skirt and my Christmas lights leggings (that clash with my Channukah socks but nobody will know because shoes.)
Because nothibg says "I am a fully functuonal adult not an overtired toddler" like a kids tee with a wookie on it says "Irish I was a Jedi" and Christmas light leggings. 😂
Time to go coffee for real. (and now that I've changed into something else duper comfy and laughed at myself, I'm no longer in the depths of my don't wannas. I'm actually quite happy with how it'll go.)
And that's really mean hearted grinchy of me, I know it is. And grandma will never know that's how I reacted.... By the time I see her I'll be a genuinely cheery ray of sunshine happy to see her and help her ball of light and love and steady calming strength for her. (and I needed to go grocery shopping today for me anyway, like legit needed to do it.)
But my inner two year old is throwing a massive tantrum about not wanting to change out of my pinstripe with polar bears wearing bow ties pjs. Yeah, you read that right. Cozy soft polar bear in bowties pg pants.
But damnit I'm keeping my Channukah socks on all day. All day you understand!!
In fact, it's Channukah socks all week except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.....
I'm gonna go make me some coffee and eat like a dozen Christmas cookies to force myself to be my sweet happy chipper self. Instead of this overtired because insufficient introvert recharge time mess of a "don'wanna" toddler throwing a tantrum about seeing people I love who actively need me and my help right now.
P. S. This is how I get when overtired (be it physically of soul energy levels due to insufficient introvert/nature time in woods or harden.) I turn into a cranky two year old who needs a nap with a bad case of stubborn don't wannas. Good news is shiny things, sweets or coffee/tea, and live music can make me all smiles happiness again for 3-12 hours as a temporary patch. (again like an overtired toddler.) But the only REAL fix is a solid recharge time for me.... Sleep and some time without the inner noise of other humans thinking/feelinf so damn loudly and /or time with trees/stars/open water is how you fix it for reals.
P. P. S. Since it's Packers game day AND i'm going to see the new Star Wars tonight, I am absolutely wearing this shirt (from the kids (boys) section of Target on St. Patrick's Day clearance) with a sunshiney yellow skirt and my Christmas lights leggings (that clash with my Channukah socks but nobody will know because shoes.)
Because nothibg says "I am a fully functuonal adult not an overtired toddler" like a kids tee with a wookie on it says "Irish I was a Jedi" and Christmas light leggings. 😂
Time to go coffee for real. (and now that I've changed into something else duper comfy and laughed at myself, I'm no longer in the depths of my don't wannas. I'm actually quite happy with how it'll go.)
1) Family conclave actually went FAR smoother than expected. One short Aunt Linda getting defensive but we rerouted it with my suggested, 'let's all just agree on mutually agreeable protocol for future -- how about what EMT do if they find someone unmoving on ground can't get up as protocol." and then her three brothers outvoted her, 3 to 1. But she didn't feel ambushed which was my worst fear....
Mostly it was quite productive and good though and everyone's on the same page. Which was the goal. Not to make decisions for grandma without her, but to get all the helpers/careteakers on the same page and figure out what we need to watch so it won't want to fall through the cracks.
Also Aunt Linda was so livid with grandma for canceling that doctor appointment then not letting in the speech therapist (code for cognitive analyst) then laughed at me yelling at grandma over it because it takes a LOT to push me there then hurt grandma didn't mention it to her but then even more entertained when i told her grandma wouldn't have told her because if I lit into her so hard and brutally honest, what would Linda have done?! She's brutally hoenst to the point of abrasive picking a fight -- always has been.
2) Today was 50F and sunny and not a speck of snow on the ground. it's staying highs in mid to upper 40s and up to 50 through Saturday when we get rain. So no snow for Christmas, no physical way to have it here in Madison WI. An hour or so north of here there's snow -- but not here. Hasn't been snow since early November. Will definitively not have snow here for Christmas.....and I can't go anywhere else for Christmas because of family Christmas Day celebration at Aunt Sondra & Uncle Steve's house.
I've still never had a Christmas without snow without someone on my dad's side of the family dying on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I think it will be Aunt Gail* given the deterioration, but there's a non-zero chance it'll be Shauna^ and I can't shake a certain inner certainty that this internally feels like who I'm internally coming to terms with losing..
* Short Version: Two years ago Gail found a lump in her breasts, told her minor kids (Teddy & Maddie) but Gail didn't go in for it. Teh kids got scared, told their dad. Uncle Jeff contacted Gail's older adult kids from previous failed marriages to ask them about it. They contacted Gail to henpeck her to go in and Gail had a HUGE fight with Jeff over pulling them into it. Gail never went in or brought it up at her annual physical. She then let her health insurance lapse (which was ALSO her minor kids health insurance.) Gail fell and fractured her leg in early September, in multiple places. During Maddie's senior year. Scans showed that she had cancer riddled through all her bones, metastisized stage 4 only palliative for her pain to ease her passing but nothing to make it better. Oh and no insurance to cover any of this. Yeah. Adult kids stepped in for the medical bills and somehow they pushed through our state version of medicaid called Badgercare. But she's in hospital, pulmonary embolism on Saturday. Not expected to be released ever again.....
^ Short Version: Shauna got entangled in an intensely abusive relationship with a manipulative narcissist with a history of beating nearly killing the women he's with. She was hospitalized after nearly dying (and not for the first time)and he was incarcerated after a particularly bad bout that a neighbor called the cops on him a little over a year ago and then her parents brought her back here intensely broken. She stayed with me for a while after burning her bridges (of her own volition) at her parents and continuously trying to call the cops on them over nothing. (Literally nothing -- one of the times was because she left 3 frozen impossible burgers in their freezer she wanted to have the cops get for her and I told her that was ridiculous, we could go to the store and if she called them for something so trivial the cops might put her on 24 hours psych hold.) Anyway, she left here broken still insisted on getting back to Los Angeles for his trial. She broke the police restraining order, moved back into his place while he was in custody, then out, then back to him as soon as he was out of jail and has been with him on and off but mostly on except when someone else has called the cops on him. Also, she refuses to get a job because she gave up music because he hated it took up acing (as an extra) and refuses to take a job that would interfere with her ability to be on call BUT her parents have refused to send her any further money since it was enabling the relationship so she's using lack of money as excuse for why she "has" to go back to him or live on the street.... So, y'know, I'm constantly expecting a call she's dead at his hands and of her own choice.
Also, likely this part will be edited out removed because those aren't really my stories to tell.
3) I don't think acting out or manifesting during eclipse season is a good idea, as a general rule. I like to observe but not act on eclipses. It's a time when things you do tend to turn in your hand to cut you and I quite firmly am of the opinion that manifesting or making big actions/decisions during eclipse season is like attacking yourself.
So I don't intend to act on anything til the second half of the eclipse is past in 6 weeks but I do intend to take the time to reflect and probably go a bit silent.
Which means not letting myself act precipitously in either direction. Which is why I have chosen to not let myself be triggered. Thus the not watching any of Eric's stories decision. If he shows up as unwatched stories that I refuse to watch, then I can't be triggered if those stories turn out to be from an account that blocked me for having been honest that the country music causes me physical pain would stop me attending shows. (A truth which is STILL my truth, even if it's not applicable to the current parameters of the band's choices or hwo thoroughly the girls fucked everything up, it's still true that country music causes me physical pain due to my synesthesia and will chase me away -- it's as true now as it ever was and always will be.) It means I miss any content he puts in his stories (though he's been posting a lot of things as posts over the last week or so. a LOT; reason is not something I know, but it means I do see the things he makes as actual posts that I'd not see if he just put them in his stories) but it means I remove that relational bullying from triggering me to just say "fuck it I'm done" then cut and run. (Which is what it pushes me to EVERY time he shares something from an account that I'm blocked on, such as the official band account.)
But, it also means I'm training myself to have the self-control to not see what he's sharing or doing. I'm training myself to be okay with not knowing and not letting myself care about what he does or if I know or have any part of it. It's a slow form of disengaging mental and emotional attachments to him by seeing it and teaching myself not to click, to be okay with not knowing/seeing.
But it stops his behavior (which is totally normal and right and what he SHOULD be doing -- except that it's all poisoned by how the girls behaved a year ago) from triggering me and making me reactionary. So that's my choice, to take back my control and not let the toxicity that has been created by the defensive choices the girls made for how to deal with being told that the country music was going to stop me attending shows. He didn't create the toxicity, but he has continued to perpetuate it and make it worse (whether he meant to or not) as a result of how the girls behaved a year ago and the fact nobody has ever even acknowledged it (let alone set about fixing it.) So my choice was to stop it triggering me if he wouldn't stop behaving in the ways that were triggering my "fuck it I'm done" response. I acknowledge there are consequences to my decision to top watching his stories, but it has stopped the triggering from him making me reactionary go "fuck it I'm done."
4) The last not quite week or so, that boy has been all up in my dream space. Just for the record. Quite constantly and consistently.Not always in a positive situation/interaction, sometimes pretty damn scared and upset and fed up wit my stubbornness, but quite constantly there in my dream space trying to fix it in any/every way (except fixing the source of the problem itself.)
5) I need more introvert recharge time then I've been getting and I don't foresee how to get it. Especially between family Christmas Day, grandma appointments, my mom being an extrovert and taking it personal EVERY time I tell her to just give me space stop talking/thinking so loud then being hurt every time I need to be alone, and Mikaela off school this coming week and half of the following week. But it's making my temper short and making me bail on plans with people whose fault it isn't and making me tap out my energy I have to give people and it's causing me headaches/migraines.
But that's part of me not writing here. I'm not getting enough introvert recharge time right now so when I have it, the LAST thing I want to do is spend it here where I put out as much energy as I recoup. I'd rather spending my introvert recharge time in something that will recharge me faster.....
Mostly it was quite productive and good though and everyone's on the same page. Which was the goal. Not to make decisions for grandma without her, but to get all the helpers/careteakers on the same page and figure out what we need to watch so it won't want to fall through the cracks.
Also Aunt Linda was so livid with grandma for canceling that doctor appointment then not letting in the speech therapist (code for cognitive analyst) then laughed at me yelling at grandma over it because it takes a LOT to push me there then hurt grandma didn't mention it to her but then even more entertained when i told her grandma wouldn't have told her because if I lit into her so hard and brutally honest, what would Linda have done?! She's brutally hoenst to the point of abrasive picking a fight -- always has been.
2) Today was 50F and sunny and not a speck of snow on the ground. it's staying highs in mid to upper 40s and up to 50 through Saturday when we get rain. So no snow for Christmas, no physical way to have it here in Madison WI. An hour or so north of here there's snow -- but not here. Hasn't been snow since early November. Will definitively not have snow here for Christmas.....and I can't go anywhere else for Christmas because of family Christmas Day celebration at Aunt Sondra & Uncle Steve's house.
I've still never had a Christmas without snow without someone on my dad's side of the family dying on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I think it will be Aunt Gail* given the deterioration, but there's a non-zero chance it'll be Shauna^ and I can't shake a certain inner certainty that this internally feels like who I'm internally coming to terms with losing..
* Short Version: Two years ago Gail found a lump in her breasts, told her minor kids (Teddy & Maddie) but Gail didn't go in for it. Teh kids got scared, told their dad. Uncle Jeff contacted Gail's older adult kids from previous failed marriages to ask them about it. They contacted Gail to henpeck her to go in and Gail had a HUGE fight with Jeff over pulling them into it. Gail never went in or brought it up at her annual physical. She then let her health insurance lapse (which was ALSO her minor kids health insurance.) Gail fell and fractured her leg in early September, in multiple places. During Maddie's senior year. Scans showed that she had cancer riddled through all her bones, metastisized stage 4 only palliative for her pain to ease her passing but nothing to make it better. Oh and no insurance to cover any of this. Yeah. Adult kids stepped in for the medical bills and somehow they pushed through our state version of medicaid called Badgercare. But she's in hospital, pulmonary embolism on Saturday. Not expected to be released ever again.....
^ Short Version: Shauna got entangled in an intensely abusive relationship with a manipulative narcissist with a history of beating nearly killing the women he's with. She was hospitalized after nearly dying (and not for the first time)and he was incarcerated after a particularly bad bout that a neighbor called the cops on him a little over a year ago and then her parents brought her back here intensely broken. She stayed with me for a while after burning her bridges (of her own volition) at her parents and continuously trying to call the cops on them over nothing. (Literally nothing -- one of the times was because she left 3 frozen impossible burgers in their freezer she wanted to have the cops get for her and I told her that was ridiculous, we could go to the store and if she called them for something so trivial the cops might put her on 24 hours psych hold.) Anyway, she left here broken still insisted on getting back to Los Angeles for his trial. She broke the police restraining order, moved back into his place while he was in custody, then out, then back to him as soon as he was out of jail and has been with him on and off but mostly on except when someone else has called the cops on him. Also, she refuses to get a job because she gave up music because he hated it took up acing (as an extra) and refuses to take a job that would interfere with her ability to be on call BUT her parents have refused to send her any further money since it was enabling the relationship so she's using lack of money as excuse for why she "has" to go back to him or live on the street.... So, y'know, I'm constantly expecting a call she's dead at his hands and of her own choice.
Also, likely this part will be edited out removed because those aren't really my stories to tell.
3) I don't think acting out or manifesting during eclipse season is a good idea, as a general rule. I like to observe but not act on eclipses. It's a time when things you do tend to turn in your hand to cut you and I quite firmly am of the opinion that manifesting or making big actions/decisions during eclipse season is like attacking yourself.
So I don't intend to act on anything til the second half of the eclipse is past in 6 weeks but I do intend to take the time to reflect and probably go a bit silent.
Which means not letting myself act precipitously in either direction. Which is why I have chosen to not let myself be triggered. Thus the not watching any of Eric's stories decision. If he shows up as unwatched stories that I refuse to watch, then I can't be triggered if those stories turn out to be from an account that blocked me for having been honest that the country music causes me physical pain would stop me attending shows. (A truth which is STILL my truth, even if it's not applicable to the current parameters of the band's choices or hwo thoroughly the girls fucked everything up, it's still true that country music causes me physical pain due to my synesthesia and will chase me away -- it's as true now as it ever was and always will be.) It means I miss any content he puts in his stories (though he's been posting a lot of things as posts over the last week or so. a LOT; reason is not something I know, but it means I do see the things he makes as actual posts that I'd not see if he just put them in his stories) but it means I remove that relational bullying from triggering me to just say "fuck it I'm done" then cut and run. (Which is what it pushes me to EVERY time he shares something from an account that I'm blocked on, such as the official band account.)
But, it also means I'm training myself to have the self-control to not see what he's sharing or doing. I'm training myself to be okay with not knowing and not letting myself care about what he does or if I know or have any part of it. It's a slow form of disengaging mental and emotional attachments to him by seeing it and teaching myself not to click, to be okay with not knowing/seeing.
But it stops his behavior (which is totally normal and right and what he SHOULD be doing -- except that it's all poisoned by how the girls behaved a year ago) from triggering me and making me reactionary. So that's my choice, to take back my control and not let the toxicity that has been created by the defensive choices the girls made for how to deal with being told that the country music was going to stop me attending shows. He didn't create the toxicity, but he has continued to perpetuate it and make it worse (whether he meant to or not) as a result of how the girls behaved a year ago and the fact nobody has ever even acknowledged it (let alone set about fixing it.) So my choice was to stop it triggering me if he wouldn't stop behaving in the ways that were triggering my "fuck it I'm done" response. I acknowledge there are consequences to my decision to top watching his stories, but it has stopped the triggering from him making me reactionary go "fuck it I'm done."
4) The last not quite week or so, that boy has been all up in my dream space. Just for the record. Quite constantly and consistently.Not always in a positive situation/interaction, sometimes pretty damn scared and upset and fed up wit my stubbornness, but quite constantly there in my dream space trying to fix it in any/every way (except fixing the source of the problem itself.)
5) I need more introvert recharge time then I've been getting and I don't foresee how to get it. Especially between family Christmas Day, grandma appointments, my mom being an extrovert and taking it personal EVERY time I tell her to just give me space stop talking/thinking so loud then being hurt every time I need to be alone, and Mikaela off school this coming week and half of the following week. But it's making my temper short and making me bail on plans with people whose fault it isn't and making me tap out my energy I have to give people and it's causing me headaches/migraines.
But that's part of me not writing here. I'm not getting enough introvert recharge time right now so when I have it, the LAST thing I want to do is spend it here where I put out as much energy as I recoup. I'd rather spending my introvert recharge time in something that will recharge me faster.....
Friday, December 20, 2019
O bloody damn hell, for fuck's sake!!!!
Not only did grandma cancel her doctor's appointment and by the time she called me and I called them, they'd given that spot to someone waiting for an opening... But then, Doug just informed me that grandma refused to let Sarah in from home health services at 3:30.... After she promised me she'd let her in could do it herself and I said, "alright I'll let you show me you can do this without family supervising." And then she wouldn't let her in....
Fucking a. You should have heard me cussing when her PT from home health services, Doug, told me (via text, so he didn't hear me cussing) this morning..... So, I'll be back over there this afternoon to be sure Doug can get in....
And rescheduling with her GP (we don't call them GP in the states.... What do we call them?) and apologizing for grandma's behavior to Sarah, then rescheduling and promising I'll be there next time....
For fuck's sake though.... How dare she do that?! I knew she would, but how dare she?! I'm gonna put the fear of being declared mentally incompetent and forced to move because she can't be living alone in her today. And every day moving forward. Because based on her cognitive tests after her fall, that's what will happen.... Because that's what will happen if she continues this way... And if she gets declared mentally incompetent, it will be impossible to change her power of health documents which will mean it remains as Aunt Linda making all the wrong decisions....and nothing I or anyone else can do to fix this mess.
Fucking a though......
I'm gonna read my book and drink some tea and eat candy cane kisses before I make breakfast/brunch and then start the calls and apology tour for her bad behaviors.
I know I keep telling family that elder care in early dementia is like a toddler balancing Independence desires to do things themselves versus helping them - but a toddler can't call to cancel appointments. Fucking a though, this means she can't be trusted to let people in for in home appointments and I'll have to be there for every damn home health services visit moving forward....
Ugh! Back to my Neil Gaiman book I haven't finished yet due to all this with grandma. At least it's a really fucking funny book so far! Lord knows I need it....
P. S. Put the fear of being forced to senior care in grandma and she rescheduled with her gp and included cognitive in it. Also explained to her that if Chartwell is scheduling too much, best thing for her to do is play along, show improvement, and get her appointment with Urtes done for a fresh cognitive assessment. Still need to get a hold of Sarah to apologize as well as reschedule. Oy. Tried, but went to voicemail so now phone tag begins
P. P. S. Since Eric continues to engage in relational bullying by sharing to his story things I cannot see or watch from the band account that blocked me for being honest a year ago that I loved the song Hands Dirty but was sad that due to the pain on my synesthesia from the country music I'd not be able to attend further Delta Rae shows so long as the painful country music was any part of it, I've decided not to watch any stories from him. If I can't tell if clicking on the circle will get me content or relational bullying from him, then I won't ever watch any story from him so long as there's a chance doing so will be a reminder of me having been blocked and unjustly persecuted via ostracism by his sister. Me not watching ANY stories from him is the only thing keeping me from unfollowing him being done with him after he shared from a Delta Rae post to his story on Weds night (after I got back from the George Winston concert) and set me off so badly against him due to him engaging in relational bullying via ostracism. Right now, the fact I have no idea if it was something I could see or further bullying from him is the ONLY thing keeping me from leaving him over this every time I see that colored circle around his profile.....
P. P. P. S.
O dear lord.... Like I needed one more thing right now..... One of my neighbor's, Pamela, is on the war path over finding a bit of dried mud or poop in the hall is knocking all the doors (in the middle of the day, instead of just cleaning it up.... So that was fun. I told her husband, Jim, that it was clearly dried, didn't have a smell, wasn't there last night the last time I was in the hall, and likely came off of someone's shoe or boot given the way both ends tapered like in a boot's tread - but I was going to pick it up before somebody stepped on it and ground it in the carpet if he was okay with that. But she's on a warpath over this piece of dirt she believed to be dog poop and this means once again having the fight over my poor little dog who's been here for over 12 years and Pamela just moved in under 2 years ago..... My fucking gods.....
One more petty bullshit drama I simply don't need it....
Not only did grandma cancel her doctor's appointment and by the time she called me and I called them, they'd given that spot to someone waiting for an opening... But then, Doug just informed me that grandma refused to let Sarah in from home health services at 3:30.... After she promised me she'd let her in could do it herself and I said, "alright I'll let you show me you can do this without family supervising." And then she wouldn't let her in....
Fucking a. You should have heard me cussing when her PT from home health services, Doug, told me (via text, so he didn't hear me cussing) this morning..... So, I'll be back over there this afternoon to be sure Doug can get in....
And rescheduling with her GP (we don't call them GP in the states.... What do we call them?) and apologizing for grandma's behavior to Sarah, then rescheduling and promising I'll be there next time....
For fuck's sake though.... How dare she do that?! I knew she would, but how dare she?! I'm gonna put the fear of being declared mentally incompetent and forced to move because she can't be living alone in her today. And every day moving forward. Because based on her cognitive tests after her fall, that's what will happen.... Because that's what will happen if she continues this way... And if she gets declared mentally incompetent, it will be impossible to change her power of health documents which will mean it remains as Aunt Linda making all the wrong decisions....and nothing I or anyone else can do to fix this mess.
Fucking a though......
I'm gonna read my book and drink some tea and eat candy cane kisses before I make breakfast/brunch and then start the calls and apology tour for her bad behaviors.
I know I keep telling family that elder care in early dementia is like a toddler balancing Independence desires to do things themselves versus helping them - but a toddler can't call to cancel appointments. Fucking a though, this means she can't be trusted to let people in for in home appointments and I'll have to be there for every damn home health services visit moving forward....
Ugh! Back to my Neil Gaiman book I haven't finished yet due to all this with grandma. At least it's a really fucking funny book so far! Lord knows I need it....
P. S. Put the fear of being forced to senior care in grandma and she rescheduled with her gp and included cognitive in it. Also explained to her that if Chartwell is scheduling too much, best thing for her to do is play along, show improvement, and get her appointment with Urtes done for a fresh cognitive assessment. Still need to get a hold of Sarah to apologize as well as reschedule. Oy. Tried, but went to voicemail so now phone tag begins
P. P. S. Since Eric continues to engage in relational bullying by sharing to his story things I cannot see or watch from the band account that blocked me for being honest a year ago that I loved the song Hands Dirty but was sad that due to the pain on my synesthesia from the country music I'd not be able to attend further Delta Rae shows so long as the painful country music was any part of it, I've decided not to watch any stories from him. If I can't tell if clicking on the circle will get me content or relational bullying from him, then I won't ever watch any story from him so long as there's a chance doing so will be a reminder of me having been blocked and unjustly persecuted via ostracism by his sister. Me not watching ANY stories from him is the only thing keeping me from unfollowing him being done with him after he shared from a Delta Rae post to his story on Weds night (after I got back from the George Winston concert) and set me off so badly against him due to him engaging in relational bullying via ostracism. Right now, the fact I have no idea if it was something I could see or further bullying from him is the ONLY thing keeping me from leaving him over this every time I see that colored circle around his profile.....
P. P. P. S.
O dear lord.... Like I needed one more thing right now..... One of my neighbor's, Pamela, is on the war path over finding a bit of dried mud or poop in the hall is knocking all the doors (in the middle of the day, instead of just cleaning it up.... So that was fun. I told her husband, Jim, that it was clearly dried, didn't have a smell, wasn't there last night the last time I was in the hall, and likely came off of someone's shoe or boot given the way both ends tapered like in a boot's tread - but I was going to pick it up before somebody stepped on it and ground it in the carpet if he was okay with that. But she's on a warpath over this piece of dirt she believed to be dog poop and this means once again having the fight over my poor little dog who's been here for over 12 years and Pamela just moved in under 2 years ago..... My fucking gods.....
One more petty bullshit drama I simply don't need it....
Thursday, December 19, 2019
GAH!!!!!
my grandmother called and cancelled her doctor's appointment scheduled for noon because she's chilled again this morning then called me to tell me not to bother coming to get her since she cancelled it and couldn't schedule it again til she got her computer back with her calendar that Jeff took to upgrade to fix. (Jeff didn't take it. My dad, Brian, took it...... Jeff is a carpenter retired construction worker, does all her household repairs. The family computer business was my grandparents, parents, Uncle Steve and Aunt Sondra til grandpa died then later Steve & Sondra decided to leabe (during the lean mail order "dude you're getting a Dell" days) then grabdma retired. So now only my parents own it, though Uncle Steve came back to work in service as a tech about 8 years ago. So literally, of her 3 sons, Jeff makes the LEAST sense for her to have said before I corrected her....) Clearly she's having a bad day didn't want to go in so making excuses - but wtf am I supposed to do? Take away her phone?!?! That's how she contacts everyone....
Also, she called me at 9:40 for her noon appointment when I was in process of making coffee to leave so I could drop my dog off with my parents at work then be at her place. I turned the kettle off at the end of her call while processing my emotions and options - but still have fresh grounds sitting in my French press waiting for me to finish making the damn coffee....
So I called GHC and grandma's appointment time had already been given to someone on call waiting for an appointment. And then I called my mom to tell her that and not to expect the dog or me unless she thought I should still go over to grandma's now the appointment got cancelled and she asked, "What can you do going over there now?!"
Then I went back to my bed, lifted the dog up (it's too high for her to jump up on her own now with her arthritis), flopped onto my tummy, then buried my face screamed into my pillows my frustration. After I rolled over, my dog came to lay across my chest/shpulders lick my face and my cat curled up across my hips/thighs.
And honestly, between a 32lb dog and an 18lb cat, who needs to spend money on a weighted blanlet??
Before that though, Alana texted me that she'd stuffed my Jack Skellington and Sally Build-a-bears and the surprise extra outfits she'd ordered came in (that was the delay, waiting on the surprise Santa suit for him) so I'm still excited abput that!!!
Also, right after that, Dave posted a video they recorded during soundcheck at one of their Japan gigs to the band's facebook page. It's an acoustic cover of Rainbow, just randomly in the middle pf the auditorium - and based on where they tagged it, it was recorded later on the day that I'd thanked Enda in a dm for making me smile because I had a lot of family stuff going on then he went out of his way finding me things to make me laugh before saying they had to go for soundcheck. And it was beautiful, exactly what I needed. (even though I loathe Kacey Musgraves because her voice is painfully bad, their cover was not bad country vocals sounded gorgeous and just what I needed.) Also, he didn't know how my morning (or yesterday morning) has been going but knows I've been weighed down by family stuff, no details but I did tell him 4 subplots of it simultaneous right now and he knows my grandma is the one I'm working on because the only one I can. And his post was super sweet with private joks in it. and the song a perfect choice. And I'm so excited I'll get to see all 4 of them (and Frank, their sound guy and tour dad) in under a month now!!!
(also, as an honest sidenote, I'd much rather be a sunflower than a potato. Who wants to be a potato anyway?! And the whole potato diehard thing is stupid, imho. But Sunflower is one of their songs and not just a stupid random typo. I like that Dave's taken to signing his band posts, "Shine on! 🌻 " when he writes them which refers to two different We Banjo 3 songs, Shine On and Sunflower. But also, they're songs about me that he made that known even while dating Di, soo there's that.)
Dave's doing well this morning is what I'm saying. He's still saying/doing all the right things and being super sweet, with the rest of his band/brothers right there with him. (and I'm an idiot if I allow my complicated emotional tangle around Eric stop me from giving David a chance.... Especially after how Eric's sister has treated me for 13.5 nearly 14 months and me still being blocked on their band instagram account (and her personal one) for my honesty that the country music was painful enough to stop me attending shows in the future and Eric's STILL engaging in the bullying of sharing stories I can't see, including just now. And nothing being done to even acknowledge that's still going on from him or any of them in the babd who can actually do a damn thing about it. And honestly, it just reflects badly on the band at this point, makes me have zero desire to support them moving forward with how they have handled their band instagram account....and it's absolutely about that choice and the system of ostracism it created. I'm an idiot if I don't choose to let Eric go based on the choices he and his sister in the name of the band have made up to this point and cI don't ommit go all in with Dave if he ever gets up the courage to ask me - aren't I? To anyone outside me, without the weight of the past to consider, the choice here is obvious.... And not in Eric's favor....)
my grandmother called and cancelled her doctor's appointment scheduled for noon because she's chilled again this morning then called me to tell me not to bother coming to get her since she cancelled it and couldn't schedule it again til she got her computer back with her calendar that Jeff took to upgrade to fix. (Jeff didn't take it. My dad, Brian, took it...... Jeff is a carpenter retired construction worker, does all her household repairs. The family computer business was my grandparents, parents, Uncle Steve and Aunt Sondra til grandpa died then later Steve & Sondra decided to leabe (during the lean mail order "dude you're getting a Dell" days) then grabdma retired. So now only my parents own it, though Uncle Steve came back to work in service as a tech about 8 years ago. So literally, of her 3 sons, Jeff makes the LEAST sense for her to have said before I corrected her....) Clearly she's having a bad day didn't want to go in so making excuses - but wtf am I supposed to do? Take away her phone?!?! That's how she contacts everyone....
Also, she called me at 9:40 for her noon appointment when I was in process of making coffee to leave so I could drop my dog off with my parents at work then be at her place. I turned the kettle off at the end of her call while processing my emotions and options - but still have fresh grounds sitting in my French press waiting for me to finish making the damn coffee....
So I called GHC and grandma's appointment time had already been given to someone on call waiting for an appointment. And then I called my mom to tell her that and not to expect the dog or me unless she thought I should still go over to grandma's now the appointment got cancelled and she asked, "What can you do going over there now?!"
Then I went back to my bed, lifted the dog up (it's too high for her to jump up on her own now with her arthritis), flopped onto my tummy, then buried my face screamed into my pillows my frustration. After I rolled over, my dog came to lay across my chest/shpulders lick my face and my cat curled up across my hips/thighs.
And honestly, between a 32lb dog and an 18lb cat, who needs to spend money on a weighted blanlet??
Before that though, Alana texted me that she'd stuffed my Jack Skellington and Sally Build-a-bears and the surprise extra outfits she'd ordered came in (that was the delay, waiting on the surprise Santa suit for him) so I'm still excited abput that!!!
Also, right after that, Dave posted a video they recorded during soundcheck at one of their Japan gigs to the band's facebook page. It's an acoustic cover of Rainbow, just randomly in the middle pf the auditorium - and based on where they tagged it, it was recorded later on the day that I'd thanked Enda in a dm for making me smile because I had a lot of family stuff going on then he went out of his way finding me things to make me laugh before saying they had to go for soundcheck. And it was beautiful, exactly what I needed. (even though I loathe Kacey Musgraves because her voice is painfully bad, their cover was not bad country vocals sounded gorgeous and just what I needed.) Also, he didn't know how my morning (or yesterday morning) has been going but knows I've been weighed down by family stuff, no details but I did tell him 4 subplots of it simultaneous right now and he knows my grandma is the one I'm working on because the only one I can. And his post was super sweet with private joks in it. and the song a perfect choice. And I'm so excited I'll get to see all 4 of them (and Frank, their sound guy and tour dad) in under a month now!!!
(also, as an honest sidenote, I'd much rather be a sunflower than a potato. Who wants to be a potato anyway?! And the whole potato diehard thing is stupid, imho. But Sunflower is one of their songs and not just a stupid random typo. I like that Dave's taken to signing his band posts, "Shine on! 🌻 " when he writes them which refers to two different We Banjo 3 songs, Shine On and Sunflower. But also, they're songs about me that he made that known even while dating Di, soo there's that.)
Dave's doing well this morning is what I'm saying. He's still saying/doing all the right things and being super sweet, with the rest of his band/brothers right there with him. (and I'm an idiot if I allow my complicated emotional tangle around Eric stop me from giving David a chance.... Especially after how Eric's sister has treated me for 13.5 nearly 14 months and me still being blocked on their band instagram account (and her personal one) for my honesty that the country music was painful enough to stop me attending shows in the future and Eric's STILL engaging in the bullying of sharing stories I can't see, including just now. And nothing being done to even acknowledge that's still going on from him or any of them in the babd who can actually do a damn thing about it. And honestly, it just reflects badly on the band at this point, makes me have zero desire to support them moving forward with how they have handled their band instagram account....and it's absolutely about that choice and the system of ostracism it created. I'm an idiot if I don't choose to let Eric go based on the choices he and his sister in the name of the band have made up to this point and cI don't ommit go all in with Dave if he ever gets up the courage to ask me - aren't I? To anyone outside me, without the weight of the past to consider, the choice here is obvious.... And not in Eric's favor....)
My grandma this morning pushed me and my patience with bullshit behaviors is pretty much nonexistent....
Including my patience with my own reactionary, "fuck this same old bullshit" knee jerk reactions.
But dinner was delicious - and my mom insisted since it was end of happy hour we all proactively order two drinks right at the start. 😂 Said we all needed/earned it and nobody was driving for like 5 hours anyway.
And George Winston was absolutely delightful as usual!!! And!!!! He saw my shirt (purple with a giant sparkly black outline of happy dancing Snoopy with a red collar) in the second row in his line of sight at the piano bench and grinned, waved at me when he saw it then announced that for his next song he'd be playing Skating off of Linus & Lucy and pointed at me then a thumbs up before he started playing!!!!!! 😁
That made me so happy!!! He's such a quirky bizarre man, but SUCH a genius!!!!
And then for this show, all cds and posters purchased were direct donations to Secomd Harvest food bank (he's done this for other local food banks when I've seen him before) and posters suggested donation was $5 and cds $20, so I gave them $100 from my grandma a month or so ago helping her out that I'd not spent just been carrying around and got 4 or 5 posters and some of his newer cds I listened to hadn't ever gotten around to picking up. 300 meals to people who need it, gorgeous posters to make me smile, and I filled in the gaps of his albums I've heard but didn't own. (except his harmonica one..... Still don't have or want that one, lol. Also missing his piano covers of Doors songs, but they didn't have it.) My mum also filled in the gaps of her George Winston cd collection and when I pointed out "if you're ever gonna want them, buy them now not on Amazon so the food bank gets the donation when they desperately need it." Crissy decided to pick some up too.
And so everything about that concert and having George Winston be the last show I see for this year and all the everything else was perfect!! Made me happy!!
But now, bedtime snuggles with my pupper. More appointments and calming grandma and untangling that mess tomorrow. Not til 10:30, unless some of her in home health pt/ot call me earlier. Since I'm now their point of contact..... *sigh* ah well, that's tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to sleep with Moon in my head (he played that tonight as well.) Tomorrow can wait on tomorrow's energy.
Including my patience with my own reactionary, "fuck this same old bullshit" knee jerk reactions.
But dinner was delicious - and my mom insisted since it was end of happy hour we all proactively order two drinks right at the start. 😂 Said we all needed/earned it and nobody was driving for like 5 hours anyway.
And George Winston was absolutely delightful as usual!!! And!!!! He saw my shirt (purple with a giant sparkly black outline of happy dancing Snoopy with a red collar) in the second row in his line of sight at the piano bench and grinned, waved at me when he saw it then announced that for his next song he'd be playing Skating off of Linus & Lucy and pointed at me then a thumbs up before he started playing!!!!!! 😁
That made me so happy!!! He's such a quirky bizarre man, but SUCH a genius!!!!
And then for this show, all cds and posters purchased were direct donations to Secomd Harvest food bank (he's done this for other local food banks when I've seen him before) and posters suggested donation was $5 and cds $20, so I gave them $100 from my grandma a month or so ago helping her out that I'd not spent just been carrying around and got 4 or 5 posters and some of his newer cds I listened to hadn't ever gotten around to picking up. 300 meals to people who need it, gorgeous posters to make me smile, and I filled in the gaps of his albums I've heard but didn't own. (except his harmonica one..... Still don't have or want that one, lol. Also missing his piano covers of Doors songs, but they didn't have it.) My mum also filled in the gaps of her George Winston cd collection and when I pointed out "if you're ever gonna want them, buy them now not on Amazon so the food bank gets the donation when they desperately need it." Crissy decided to pick some up too.
And so everything about that concert and having George Winston be the last show I see for this year and all the everything else was perfect!! Made me happy!!
But now, bedtime snuggles with my pupper. More appointments and calming grandma and untangling that mess tomorrow. Not til 10:30, unless some of her in home health pt/ot call me earlier. Since I'm now their point of contact..... *sigh* ah well, that's tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to sleep with Moon in my head (he played that tonight as well.) Tomorrow can wait on tomorrow's energy.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
As I've said before, I'm really shit at staying mad at anyone. I mean REALLY bad at it. If I were to make a list of things I fail at no matter how hard I try, that list looks like this:
1) staying mad at people
2) pessimism
3) knitting
Yes. Knitting. I fucking suck at it. This is not even a joke. I fucking suck at knitting. And nobody has any idea how or why. You can literally watch EVERY stitch I do like a hawk and everything seems okay and then *POOF* a snarled tangled impossible mess and nobody knows how it happens. i swear up and down it's my personal attendant fairfolk and house elves afraid I'm gonna make a fucking sock to gift them or something so they have to snarl the whole thing up when the muggles blink.
Naw, but the anger thing. I really AM terrible at staying angry at anyone. (I can stay mad at lies/hypocrisies and injustice and acts of intentional cruelty -- but I'm not so much mad at the person as at the act of bad faith and bad ethics the committed or continuously commit again and again and again. It's the committing of the acts that angers me and renews my anger after it's died down -- not the person qua human. Does that make sense?) It drove my sister absolutely BATTY when we were kids. I'd blow up full of anger with my quick temper over something, say awful but true things, run away and go find a tree to hide in and come back an hour later wondering how she could still be upset about that old thing when the sun was shining and the birds were chirping and there were flowers and cats and puppies and look at our friendly birch tree in the front yard and here we are so lucky to be alive again in such a beautiful time and place -- how petty to still be angry?! And my sister was the sort to bear grudges and store them up then explode them all on you when she couldn't take any more. My mum more than once would see my sister in a tantrum bawling and ask me why I'd tell her I have no idea and my mom would say, "it takes two to have a fight" then lock us in a room tell me to fix it and I'd just be like, "Soooooo. What are you on about this time then?" and she'd tell me she was still upset about that time three months before when I ate the last of the caramel twix left only peanut butter twix without even asking her if she wanted the caramel twix and when I say, "I didn't ask you because you weren't home. You were at your friends." she'd just start sobbing even heavier tell me, "That's. Why. I'm. Upset." And I'd be like, "Can I buy you another caramel twix then?" "No. I. Don't. WANT. A Twix now. I want THAT Twix. That night. And you ate it. Before I got home." "Um. I'm sorry I can't fix this for you Miche. You're not giving me anything to fix." 'I don't WANT you to fix it. I want you to be as upset as I am." "Well that's just stupid. I'm not upset. About any Twix bar. Or anything. So unless you want to try to anger me somehow this is just wasting both our time. Um. Wanna go build a rollercoaster race track for marbles? I'll let you design it wherever we disagree and tell me which track to play on."
Yeah. I definitely frequently have found myself perplexed at people who stayed angry. It's just so much energy to waste on feeling icky to stay in a negative spin. I mean, yeah, it happens to all of us -- but to WALLOW in it instead of letting it go.... Why? It's done, it's past -- own up to where/how you fucked up, learn from it when people show you their true colors by how they (mis)handled it, then move on. Why linger in the anger? What good does it do you?
So I forgive easily, and I come down hard on myself if I did something stupid or for bad reasons and I need to fix what I did wrong. (I must admit that I am prone to very good logic on very shit premises. Like I can reach some really bad fucked up conclusions by good logic on a bad premise. And that is 100% something you can ALWAYS call me out on. As in, if you tell me, "Um, that's all well and good Dani. But you realize that this idea ________ that you've built this entire idea on is bullshit for reasons x, y, z." I'll probably look shocked while I take in that information, then if you are correct I'll look sheepish, then laugh at me and say, "Well fuck. You're right. So. Now what?" I will never get angry at you out logicking me or telling me that my logic has been faulty or built on bad premise(s) so long as you can point out where/how I went awry. If you can tell me, "Right but you missed this" or "okay but you completely got this wrong" and give me better premises or data to work with, you can win any disagreement. Capricorn moon and Sagittarius Mars.
Also laughter is an emotional reset switch with me. Always. (Food is a good second.) if you can make me laugh, no matter how upset I am, you can reset me back to my factory defaults and get back to a generally happy go lucky solutions oriented logical healer. Once I've laughed. (Or eaten if my problem was hangries. I turn into an irritable fucking bitch and my fuse shortens down to next to nothing. But then you eat me and I hit food nirvana and I apologize and I'm back to my normal self.)
But anyway. I can't stay mad. I just think it's stupid. I also can't forget anything. So I'll forgive, but I won't forget anything that did or didn't happen. If you don't clean up your side of the mess, I'll remember that. I'll move past it, but what you've taught me about yourself will forever inflect my ability to trust you moving forward and how I internally rate you as a person. I'll forgive and move forward, but you may damage my opinion of you and my ability to trust you in the future by how you handle whatever got me so angry in the first place. Same as I'd expect me to damage your opinion of me and your ability to trust me if I didn't feel bad about what I had done and apologize and try to make right any hurt I did to you while I was angry.
I will run off when I'm hurt. And I will stay disappeared running away until I've licked my wounds and healed up enough to be strong enough to bear whatever it is and not lash out at other people because I'm hurting. (I also run off when I'm angry when I realize I'm reaching the point of saying things that can never be unsaid.) I've always run off to spend time by myself, somewhere that feels safe. I've never run to a person when I'm hurting -- but maybe someday it'd be nice to have a person rather than a place that I go to heal up without worrying I'll hurt them because I'm hurting. Because as an empath, except when I'm angry, hurting other people is like cutting myself watching me bleed -- which is why when I hurt I run away to be alone with trees and green growing things and cuddly animals -- so I can't hurt anyone else because that would just hurt me worse on top of me wanting to help their hurting.
But when I'm mad.... When I'm angry I don't much care if I hurt people. And when I'm angry I say truths. truths that I KNOW are going to sting and hurt. That's what I do when I'm angry, I speak difficult truths. And I don't care who I say them in front of or to.
Also, it's not just that I'll speak truths you don't want known, I'll say it all as calmly and logically and matter-of-factly as if EVERY single person already knows it and I'm saying the most banal of facts that everyone knows.....
In fact, if you have any truths that you DON'T want known, then you probably should go out of your way to NEVER make me angry at you. or tell me that truth yourself along with a promise I'll never tell anyone else. Even when angry I still keep all my promises. But short of that, if you haven't TOLD me the truth yourself but you have any truths you're hiding, the LAST thing you want to do is make me angry. Because I'll spit that truth to everyone who you don't want to know it. And you have to realize, as an empath, telepath, psychic, medium, and witch ANY truth about you that you know/relive/bury or that anyone else knows about you is something I will read in you and carry with me. So ANY truth of your past or present or hidden self that you DON'T want anyone to know about -- make sure you either tell me yourself swear me to secrecy or make a point of not getting me angry. Because EVERY time you get me angry, I'll say the truths about you that I'm not sworn to keep to myself -- whichever truths I feel in that moment I need to say. And the more intense my anger, the more likely I am to say the things I KNOW you don't want known or that I KNOW will hurt you.
Pushing my buttons, trying to manipulate me, anything that's a lie/hypocrisy, or intentional cruelty and all of a sudden you'll find every secret that you've done your best to bury and hide resurrected in front of everyone you don't want to know it....
It's something to be wary of with me. Under the Libra Sun and Libra mercury and Pisces Rising, you'll find a Scorpio Venus and a Sagittarius Mars and a Capricorn Moon. And when I get angry, that means truths will be said. All the honesty in me will bring the truths to light -- and the more you anger me the deeper I'll dig to make sure they're the truths you don't want known or aren't able to hear.
O I'll feel bad afterward, but the damage will be done and the words can't be unsaid. And the more you think you can push me and manipulate me and the more you TRY to anger me, the more I will bring into the light of everything you want to hide in teh sahdows and bury where nobody can see it.
Honestly, if I'm an inconvenient truth or something I say/do is an inconvenient truth you want to bury, the WORST thing you can EVER do with me is try to control me or bully me or goad me to anger. Because then not just the truth involving me you wanted buried will come out but so will literally EVERYTHING you have buried don't want people to know about you get dug up and the more angry I am or the more you push at me to continuously anger me so I keep digging out your buried truths, the more it will hurt you.
Hiding truths and trying to bully me as a means to keep truths hidden is the number one way to get all your truths you dislike brought into the light for everyone to see.
And me forgiving, letting go my own anger, wanting to make things right that I broke while angry will never unsay the truths I said in my anger. Nor will they save you from what else I'll dig out the next time you attempt to play me or bully me or push me around to the point you anger me....
And that's just how my nature is... I'll forgive easily once I recenter, I run away to somewhere I feel safe when I'm hurt and won't come out til i feel strong enough to carry it without hurting anyone else, and when I'm angry I will bring to the light harmful/hurtful truths especially those you don't want known or don't want to face.
That's the worst you can expect of me -- honesty, bare-faced honesty and dragging into the light all the things you want to hide away pretend isn't true even though it's true. But, I mean, for most people, that's kind of reality shattering when you face it. And. Often it's the people who fake their own strength by burying the things that don't fit their created self image, those who have the toughest looking facades, who just shatter in the face of such bare faced honesty. Especially them. It drives them more than a bit mental, especially when everything they know about how to fight to defend themselves just keeps me digging out their truths into the light for anyone to see.... Those are the people who it devastates the most.
And speaking truths people don't want known and responding to people's unspoken thoughts like they said it out loud and knowing things you can't possibly know and telling people about their pasts and their futures doesn't really make you popular. It makes popular something you don't even bother with -- you just focus on the honesty and the cruelty to others. And the thing is, I can hide the wyrd in me as long as I don't get angry or get too comfortable. But it comes out whenever I lose my temper or relax and don't realize I've started reacting to things nobody said out loud or things they've never told me. And that makes it lonely because other than my family who are used to it and most of them have gifts of their own and a small circle of close friends who get it and love me more for it, I don't much expect else. It's one of the reasons I shifted the global consciousness paradigm to anyone with latent gifts that could hear the whispers -- sheer loneliness. but also mostly it was time for things we've been setting in motion since the rise of the Roman Empire. Also the over honesty and the amount of wyrd in me does makes dating hard though.... A lot of explaining to do and either they don't believe me til they see it and then typically they get scared or want to treat me as something on a pedestal not a person....and that's before you start talking about genetic propensity and the fact these gifts tend to run in families.... I've never actually dated anyone who just accepted it and understood. *shrugs* Is what it is. Too many strong gifts. And besides, I decided a very long while ago now that I was done dating if I could see the end before the end before the beginning -- it just bred too much heartache in guys who didn't deserve that. It's why I only consider at this point dating people who I can glimpse future paths with if we choose them, but have never seen any endings..... Also means I've been a long time single and don't even remember the things I'm supposed to do
I can try not to get upset, I work real hard at it. I don't LIKE hurting people I care about.... But when I do get upset, those are the ways I react to specific triggering things that upset me whether it be hurt or anger. those are my patterns, it's what I do. Hurt makes me want to get somewhere safe to heal up enough not to hurt other people and anger makes me lose my filters that care about hurting other people so I intentionally tell them the truths they don't want known (to themselves or others.) I also don't get scared -- crises make me preternaturally calm and decisive and ready for a fight.
And sometimes, when I'm angry I break people/relationships so badly I can't fix them because of the truths I've said aloud when angry. And there's a part of me that's genuinely scared of my anger -- afraid that I might break someone or something I care about and not be able to fix it. And that's when I run off due to my anger -- to keep me from breaking something I can't possibly fix that matters to me. Because there's literally no limit to what I'll say when I lose my temper other than I'll keep sacred anything you've made me explicitly promise not to tell.
1) staying mad at people
2) pessimism
3) knitting
Yes. Knitting. I fucking suck at it. This is not even a joke. I fucking suck at knitting. And nobody has any idea how or why. You can literally watch EVERY stitch I do like a hawk and everything seems okay and then *POOF* a snarled tangled impossible mess and nobody knows how it happens. i swear up and down it's my personal attendant fairfolk and house elves afraid I'm gonna make a fucking sock to gift them or something so they have to snarl the whole thing up when the muggles blink.
Naw, but the anger thing. I really AM terrible at staying angry at anyone. (I can stay mad at lies/hypocrisies and injustice and acts of intentional cruelty -- but I'm not so much mad at the person as at the act of bad faith and bad ethics the committed or continuously commit again and again and again. It's the committing of the acts that angers me and renews my anger after it's died down -- not the person qua human. Does that make sense?) It drove my sister absolutely BATTY when we were kids. I'd blow up full of anger with my quick temper over something, say awful but true things, run away and go find a tree to hide in and come back an hour later wondering how she could still be upset about that old thing when the sun was shining and the birds were chirping and there were flowers and cats and puppies and look at our friendly birch tree in the front yard and here we are so lucky to be alive again in such a beautiful time and place -- how petty to still be angry?! And my sister was the sort to bear grudges and store them up then explode them all on you when she couldn't take any more. My mum more than once would see my sister in a tantrum bawling and ask me why I'd tell her I have no idea and my mom would say, "it takes two to have a fight" then lock us in a room tell me to fix it and I'd just be like, "Soooooo. What are you on about this time then?" and she'd tell me she was still upset about that time three months before when I ate the last of the caramel twix left only peanut butter twix without even asking her if she wanted the caramel twix and when I say, "I didn't ask you because you weren't home. You were at your friends." she'd just start sobbing even heavier tell me, "That's. Why. I'm. Upset." And I'd be like, "Can I buy you another caramel twix then?" "No. I. Don't. WANT. A Twix now. I want THAT Twix. That night. And you ate it. Before I got home." "Um. I'm sorry I can't fix this for you Miche. You're not giving me anything to fix." 'I don't WANT you to fix it. I want you to be as upset as I am." "Well that's just stupid. I'm not upset. About any Twix bar. Or anything. So unless you want to try to anger me somehow this is just wasting both our time. Um. Wanna go build a rollercoaster race track for marbles? I'll let you design it wherever we disagree and tell me which track to play on."
Yeah. I definitely frequently have found myself perplexed at people who stayed angry. It's just so much energy to waste on feeling icky to stay in a negative spin. I mean, yeah, it happens to all of us -- but to WALLOW in it instead of letting it go.... Why? It's done, it's past -- own up to where/how you fucked up, learn from it when people show you their true colors by how they (mis)handled it, then move on. Why linger in the anger? What good does it do you?
So I forgive easily, and I come down hard on myself if I did something stupid or for bad reasons and I need to fix what I did wrong. (I must admit that I am prone to very good logic on very shit premises. Like I can reach some really bad fucked up conclusions by good logic on a bad premise. And that is 100% something you can ALWAYS call me out on. As in, if you tell me, "Um, that's all well and good Dani. But you realize that this idea ________ that you've built this entire idea on is bullshit for reasons x, y, z." I'll probably look shocked while I take in that information, then if you are correct I'll look sheepish, then laugh at me and say, "Well fuck. You're right. So. Now what?" I will never get angry at you out logicking me or telling me that my logic has been faulty or built on bad premise(s) so long as you can point out where/how I went awry. If you can tell me, "Right but you missed this" or "okay but you completely got this wrong" and give me better premises or data to work with, you can win any disagreement. Capricorn moon and Sagittarius Mars.
Also laughter is an emotional reset switch with me. Always. (Food is a good second.) if you can make me laugh, no matter how upset I am, you can reset me back to my factory defaults and get back to a generally happy go lucky solutions oriented logical healer. Once I've laughed. (Or eaten if my problem was hangries. I turn into an irritable fucking bitch and my fuse shortens down to next to nothing. But then you eat me and I hit food nirvana and I apologize and I'm back to my normal self.)
But anyway. I can't stay mad. I just think it's stupid. I also can't forget anything. So I'll forgive, but I won't forget anything that did or didn't happen. If you don't clean up your side of the mess, I'll remember that. I'll move past it, but what you've taught me about yourself will forever inflect my ability to trust you moving forward and how I internally rate you as a person. I'll forgive and move forward, but you may damage my opinion of you and my ability to trust you in the future by how you handle whatever got me so angry in the first place. Same as I'd expect me to damage your opinion of me and your ability to trust me if I didn't feel bad about what I had done and apologize and try to make right any hurt I did to you while I was angry.
I will run off when I'm hurt. And I will stay disappeared running away until I've licked my wounds and healed up enough to be strong enough to bear whatever it is and not lash out at other people because I'm hurting. (I also run off when I'm angry when I realize I'm reaching the point of saying things that can never be unsaid.) I've always run off to spend time by myself, somewhere that feels safe. I've never run to a person when I'm hurting -- but maybe someday it'd be nice to have a person rather than a place that I go to heal up without worrying I'll hurt them because I'm hurting. Because as an empath, except when I'm angry, hurting other people is like cutting myself watching me bleed -- which is why when I hurt I run away to be alone with trees and green growing things and cuddly animals -- so I can't hurt anyone else because that would just hurt me worse on top of me wanting to help their hurting.
But when I'm mad.... When I'm angry I don't much care if I hurt people. And when I'm angry I say truths. truths that I KNOW are going to sting and hurt. That's what I do when I'm angry, I speak difficult truths. And I don't care who I say them in front of or to.
Also, it's not just that I'll speak truths you don't want known, I'll say it all as calmly and logically and matter-of-factly as if EVERY single person already knows it and I'm saying the most banal of facts that everyone knows.....
In fact, if you have any truths that you DON'T want known, then you probably should go out of your way to NEVER make me angry at you. or tell me that truth yourself along with a promise I'll never tell anyone else. Even when angry I still keep all my promises. But short of that, if you haven't TOLD me the truth yourself but you have any truths you're hiding, the LAST thing you want to do is make me angry. Because I'll spit that truth to everyone who you don't want to know it. And you have to realize, as an empath, telepath, psychic, medium, and witch ANY truth about you that you know/relive/bury or that anyone else knows about you is something I will read in you and carry with me. So ANY truth of your past or present or hidden self that you DON'T want anyone to know about -- make sure you either tell me yourself swear me to secrecy or make a point of not getting me angry. Because EVERY time you get me angry, I'll say the truths about you that I'm not sworn to keep to myself -- whichever truths I feel in that moment I need to say. And the more intense my anger, the more likely I am to say the things I KNOW you don't want known or that I KNOW will hurt you.
Pushing my buttons, trying to manipulate me, anything that's a lie/hypocrisy, or intentional cruelty and all of a sudden you'll find every secret that you've done your best to bury and hide resurrected in front of everyone you don't want to know it....
It's something to be wary of with me. Under the Libra Sun and Libra mercury and Pisces Rising, you'll find a Scorpio Venus and a Sagittarius Mars and a Capricorn Moon. And when I get angry, that means truths will be said. All the honesty in me will bring the truths to light -- and the more you anger me the deeper I'll dig to make sure they're the truths you don't want known or aren't able to hear.
O I'll feel bad afterward, but the damage will be done and the words can't be unsaid. And the more you think you can push me and manipulate me and the more you TRY to anger me, the more I will bring into the light of everything you want to hide in teh sahdows and bury where nobody can see it.
Honestly, if I'm an inconvenient truth or something I say/do is an inconvenient truth you want to bury, the WORST thing you can EVER do with me is try to control me or bully me or goad me to anger. Because then not just the truth involving me you wanted buried will come out but so will literally EVERYTHING you have buried don't want people to know about you get dug up and the more angry I am or the more you push at me to continuously anger me so I keep digging out your buried truths, the more it will hurt you.
Hiding truths and trying to bully me as a means to keep truths hidden is the number one way to get all your truths you dislike brought into the light for everyone to see.
And me forgiving, letting go my own anger, wanting to make things right that I broke while angry will never unsay the truths I said in my anger. Nor will they save you from what else I'll dig out the next time you attempt to play me or bully me or push me around to the point you anger me....
And that's just how my nature is... I'll forgive easily once I recenter, I run away to somewhere I feel safe when I'm hurt and won't come out til i feel strong enough to carry it without hurting anyone else, and when I'm angry I will bring to the light harmful/hurtful truths especially those you don't want known or don't want to face.
That's the worst you can expect of me -- honesty, bare-faced honesty and dragging into the light all the things you want to hide away pretend isn't true even though it's true. But, I mean, for most people, that's kind of reality shattering when you face it. And. Often it's the people who fake their own strength by burying the things that don't fit their created self image, those who have the toughest looking facades, who just shatter in the face of such bare faced honesty. Especially them. It drives them more than a bit mental, especially when everything they know about how to fight to defend themselves just keeps me digging out their truths into the light for anyone to see.... Those are the people who it devastates the most.
And speaking truths people don't want known and responding to people's unspoken thoughts like they said it out loud and knowing things you can't possibly know and telling people about their pasts and their futures doesn't really make you popular. It makes popular something you don't even bother with -- you just focus on the honesty and the cruelty to others. And the thing is, I can hide the wyrd in me as long as I don't get angry or get too comfortable. But it comes out whenever I lose my temper or relax and don't realize I've started reacting to things nobody said out loud or things they've never told me. And that makes it lonely because other than my family who are used to it and most of them have gifts of their own and a small circle of close friends who get it and love me more for it, I don't much expect else. It's one of the reasons I shifted the global consciousness paradigm to anyone with latent gifts that could hear the whispers -- sheer loneliness. but also mostly it was time for things we've been setting in motion since the rise of the Roman Empire. Also the over honesty and the amount of wyrd in me does makes dating hard though.... A lot of explaining to do and either they don't believe me til they see it and then typically they get scared or want to treat me as something on a pedestal not a person....and that's before you start talking about genetic propensity and the fact these gifts tend to run in families.... I've never actually dated anyone who just accepted it and understood. *shrugs* Is what it is. Too many strong gifts. And besides, I decided a very long while ago now that I was done dating if I could see the end before the end before the beginning -- it just bred too much heartache in guys who didn't deserve that. It's why I only consider at this point dating people who I can glimpse future paths with if we choose them, but have never seen any endings..... Also means I've been a long time single and don't even remember the things I'm supposed to do
I can try not to get upset, I work real hard at it. I don't LIKE hurting people I care about.... But when I do get upset, those are the ways I react to specific triggering things that upset me whether it be hurt or anger. those are my patterns, it's what I do. Hurt makes me want to get somewhere safe to heal up enough not to hurt other people and anger makes me lose my filters that care about hurting other people so I intentionally tell them the truths they don't want known (to themselves or others.) I also don't get scared -- crises make me preternaturally calm and decisive and ready for a fight.
And sometimes, when I'm angry I break people/relationships so badly I can't fix them because of the truths I've said aloud when angry. And there's a part of me that's genuinely scared of my anger -- afraid that I might break someone or something I care about and not be able to fix it. And that's when I run off due to my anger -- to keep me from breaking something I can't possibly fix that matters to me. Because there's literally no limit to what I'll say when I lose my temper other than I'll keep sacred anything you've made me explicitly promise not to tell.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Also. Since that last post, he has managed to turn the volume up even louder and stronger on his love pouring in which I'd not have thought possible except somehow he has....
Wow. That's just.... A lot.... And I'm not certain how or why... But, ehrm. It's a lot of wonderful even if it's nothing tangible....
I'm gonna go shower and get dressed and then drink some tea while reading Neil Gaiman's <i>Anansi Boys</i> and eating candy cane kisses (I'm addicted to these in wintertime, even if there's no actual chocolate in them) and admiring my ridiculous Yule tree. (Ridiculous because I realized that I had FAR too many ornaments for my bitty 4ft tall light up birch that is out year round and I up til this year I hung my collection of ornaments on. Since acknowledging that the half dozen laser cut wood zoo animals put me over the top, I've allowed me to indulge in buying more and now I have overcrowded with wood ornaments, shiny baubles, bells, sparkly critters, bears, dinosaurs, and random critters my 6ft plastic tree (I hate hearing the slow screaming of the real trees dying. Love the smell of real trees but hate the screaming, I actually can't sleep in a house with a real tree's dying screams.) This year I also found some cute kitschy things like glass peace signs, a coffee cup, a beer growler, and Star Wars characters I wanted to add to the mix. Still no topper on it - but I'm thinking I want to get a Weeping Angel tree topper... Also, if you don't know about Weeping Angels, go watch the episode of Doctor Who called Blink. The episode will stand alone without watchimg all the rest. Great short piece of horror and the weeping angels are a delightful addition to the canon of Whovian villains. My tree is also ridiculous because I didn't have a container big enough for my Halloween seasonal kitsch so in a fit of inspiration put Halloween under my tree. And I love it, I've decided it's my new personal tradition to put all the spookies under the tree til late on Christmas Eve in honor of Nightmare Before Christmas. Instead of the presents accumulating there, it'll be Halloween under the tree until late night when stockings get filled o'clock. Because I am a creature of repetitive seasonality, but not socially instilled traditions. And this personal tradition as homage to Nightmare Before Christmas pleases me intensely. Maybe you should have to listen to or watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas as you put Halloween away from under the tree.... Hmmmmmm. Must consider. I like it in theory though!)
P. S.
Also. I spent an hour this morning on the phone with Aunt Linda and then half hour (still in my towel fresh out of the shower) with grandma and another half hour of phone tag about her pt til finally Doug just texted me, lol. Drinks yet?
Also. My aunt is so abrasively headstrong sometimes I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop she can't even deal with me. 😂
Saturday will be the real brouhaha and test of the diplomatic patience of me and my mother (she's a Scorpio but a peacemaker and diplomat when she isn't micromanaging, but especially within the family - I REALLY want to know her rising sign but nobody seems to know her birth hour and they generic stamped a birth time when they finished the paperwork end of day....) My diplomacy method in my family relies on always being honest with people, which is why I'm more blunt than most Libras, because lies and secrets make everything exponentially worse when discovered. So I have a very "cards on the table" (but I may try to spin you as positive as possible before showing the cards you don't want seen) approach to interpersonal communication. It's just how I am, and probably as a result of so many strong personalities who take lies or hiding things from them VERY personally. But that doesn't mean it's easy with this side of the family when they're not in agreement - even as a Libra sun AND libra Mercury. (seriously though, you have to TRY to pick a fight with me, lol. I don't let dishonesty or deliberate cruelty go unchecked, and I won't back down over issues of either one, but beyond the fact I always call out both those things, you really do have to try to pick a fight with me...) Anyway, Linda and her three brothers coming to an understanding about where grandma is and who's doing what so things don't slip through the cracks.... It's gonna be a fireworks explosive shitshow, and we all know it. No decisions without grandma present, but wanting everyone on the same page....
Luckily, that's at 2. And then Cath's annual holiday party at Sandy's place - with booze constantly being pressed on you by her mom Sandy.
Aunt Linda wanted to hold family meeting about grandma on Christmas Day at Steve & Sondra's til I told her that I think the idea was a happy holiday for Viv and Sabra no outside drama. Then I filled her in on what had happened and it made her cry at CostCo. (She didn't tell me we were having this whole call about grandma's medical while she was holiday shopping at CostCo. Oy....) The thing with Aunt Linda is, she can be pushy and abrasive and quick to pick a fight and super ego driven, but she's also has a deep love of family/friends feels everything REALLY deeply. (She's a Taurus, as is Uncle Steve. My da is a Capricorn, Uncle Jeff is a Pisces but eldest child. My grandma is a Scorpio and my grandpa was a Leo. So yeah, a lot of strong personalities....)
Wow. That's just.... A lot.... And I'm not certain how or why... But, ehrm. It's a lot of wonderful even if it's nothing tangible....
I'm gonna go shower and get dressed and then drink some tea while reading Neil Gaiman's <i>Anansi Boys</i> and eating candy cane kisses (I'm addicted to these in wintertime, even if there's no actual chocolate in them) and admiring my ridiculous Yule tree. (Ridiculous because I realized that I had FAR too many ornaments for my bitty 4ft tall light up birch that is out year round and I up til this year I hung my collection of ornaments on. Since acknowledging that the half dozen laser cut wood zoo animals put me over the top, I've allowed me to indulge in buying more and now I have overcrowded with wood ornaments, shiny baubles, bells, sparkly critters, bears, dinosaurs, and random critters my 6ft plastic tree (I hate hearing the slow screaming of the real trees dying. Love the smell of real trees but hate the screaming, I actually can't sleep in a house with a real tree's dying screams.) This year I also found some cute kitschy things like glass peace signs, a coffee cup, a beer growler, and Star Wars characters I wanted to add to the mix. Still no topper on it - but I'm thinking I want to get a Weeping Angel tree topper... Also, if you don't know about Weeping Angels, go watch the episode of Doctor Who called Blink. The episode will stand alone without watchimg all the rest. Great short piece of horror and the weeping angels are a delightful addition to the canon of Whovian villains. My tree is also ridiculous because I didn't have a container big enough for my Halloween seasonal kitsch so in a fit of inspiration put Halloween under my tree. And I love it, I've decided it's my new personal tradition to put all the spookies under the tree til late on Christmas Eve in honor of Nightmare Before Christmas. Instead of the presents accumulating there, it'll be Halloween under the tree until late night when stockings get filled o'clock. Because I am a creature of repetitive seasonality, but not socially instilled traditions. And this personal tradition as homage to Nightmare Before Christmas pleases me intensely. Maybe you should have to listen to or watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas as you put Halloween away from under the tree.... Hmmmmmm. Must consider. I like it in theory though!)
P. S.
Also. I spent an hour this morning on the phone with Aunt Linda and then half hour (still in my towel fresh out of the shower) with grandma and another half hour of phone tag about her pt til finally Doug just texted me, lol. Drinks yet?
Also. My aunt is so abrasively headstrong sometimes I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop she can't even deal with me. 😂
Saturday will be the real brouhaha and test of the diplomatic patience of me and my mother (she's a Scorpio but a peacemaker and diplomat when she isn't micromanaging, but especially within the family - I REALLY want to know her rising sign but nobody seems to know her birth hour and they generic stamped a birth time when they finished the paperwork end of day....) My diplomacy method in my family relies on always being honest with people, which is why I'm more blunt than most Libras, because lies and secrets make everything exponentially worse when discovered. So I have a very "cards on the table" (but I may try to spin you as positive as possible before showing the cards you don't want seen) approach to interpersonal communication. It's just how I am, and probably as a result of so many strong personalities who take lies or hiding things from them VERY personally. But that doesn't mean it's easy with this side of the family when they're not in agreement - even as a Libra sun AND libra Mercury. (seriously though, you have to TRY to pick a fight with me, lol. I don't let dishonesty or deliberate cruelty go unchecked, and I won't back down over issues of either one, but beyond the fact I always call out both those things, you really do have to try to pick a fight with me...) Anyway, Linda and her three brothers coming to an understanding about where grandma is and who's doing what so things don't slip through the cracks.... It's gonna be a fireworks explosive shitshow, and we all know it. No decisions without grandma present, but wanting everyone on the same page....
Luckily, that's at 2. And then Cath's annual holiday party at Sandy's place - with booze constantly being pressed on you by her mom Sandy.
Aunt Linda wanted to hold family meeting about grandma on Christmas Day at Steve & Sondra's til I told her that I think the idea was a happy holiday for Viv and Sabra no outside drama. Then I filled her in on what had happened and it made her cry at CostCo. (She didn't tell me we were having this whole call about grandma's medical while she was holiday shopping at CostCo. Oy....) The thing with Aunt Linda is, she can be pushy and abrasive and quick to pick a fight and super ego driven, but she's also has a deep love of family/friends feels everything REALLY deeply. (She's a Taurus, as is Uncle Steve. My da is a Capricorn, Uncle Jeff is a Pisces but eldest child. My grandma is a Scorpio and my grandpa was a Leo. So yeah, a lot of strong personalities....)
I have to say, what I'm getting via the bond, he's mostly just excited and a little scared in case it doesn't work but he's not even allowing himself to consider failure as an option. He's very confident he 's going to fix this before it ever gets to me putting the bond to sleep or dating anyone else. Because he can't accept any other outcome or what that would do to him or me. So he's just full of love and a plan for how to fix this to stop breaking that isn't me deciding to leave....and he thinks he can pull it off before I do something drastic and stupid and a permanent fate shift of timelines.
I can't say I know why he's that way, I only know is. But it's an intensely powerful is - and for once, I think the intensity of his love and the purposefulness of whatever he has in mind is stronger while he's awake than asleep. Usually, the waves of it from him are strongest right as he's falling asleep or waking up, that's when it floods into me intensely. Followed by when he's asleep and then it's just sort of a strong constant ocean of it but no sudden bursts of intensity, just a calm constant vast amount of love from him while he sleeps. Typically when he's awake, he's so busy distracting himself with other things to NOT feel the intensity of the yearning for what he can't find his way to have, so he's least distractingly pouring heady amounts of love into me via the bond while he's awake. At least typically. But not right now, not since late Sunday night. Right now, he's stronger pouring love down the bond and reaching for me on it while he's awake. Whatever he's doing with himself, he's not trying to distract himself from me or his yearning and need, he's feeling that intensely and it's like he's intentionally focusing on me keeping me and that love and the bond right at the center of what he's doing so he can't lose it. Which sounds horribly self-centered egotistical of me to say, but it's the only way I have to explain how it's shifted.... I don't know why, but somehow it has. And it's while he's awake this change has happened - it's not a subconscious thing, it's a very focused conscious choice he's made/making.
I don't understand why, but I do recognize is. And I don't know that I've ever heard him quite like this on the bond. It still all feels rather like a house of cards that never will stand and stay to me.... But I must admit that I find his focused optimism and certainty and overwhelmingly strong love and need pouring down the bond as infectious as it is heady and it's making me more optimistic that maybe there is a way he's found out of this toxic mess that's been made of what should have been incredibly easy for him. More optimistic than I've been in a very long time. Optimistic against all common sense.
Which is probably foolish of me and only setting myself up to be hurt. Again. And then nobody but me to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust where I should have known better than to give it. Again. *sigh* I know it's foolish and likely to only cause me more pain, but still it's pulling at me asking me to believe in him again just a little longer, not to give up on him just yet. And more than anything, just reaching for me with all that intensity of his love and longing pouring it into me and the bond. making certain it's reaching me I can feel it from him, know his truth, all the time always.
It's not anything concrete. But it's strong, incredibly strong. And constant.
I can't say I know why he's that way, I only know is. But it's an intensely powerful is - and for once, I think the intensity of his love and the purposefulness of whatever he has in mind is stronger while he's awake than asleep. Usually, the waves of it from him are strongest right as he's falling asleep or waking up, that's when it floods into me intensely. Followed by when he's asleep and then it's just sort of a strong constant ocean of it but no sudden bursts of intensity, just a calm constant vast amount of love from him while he sleeps. Typically when he's awake, he's so busy distracting himself with other things to NOT feel the intensity of the yearning for what he can't find his way to have, so he's least distractingly pouring heady amounts of love into me via the bond while he's awake. At least typically. But not right now, not since late Sunday night. Right now, he's stronger pouring love down the bond and reaching for me on it while he's awake. Whatever he's doing with himself, he's not trying to distract himself from me or his yearning and need, he's feeling that intensely and it's like he's intentionally focusing on me keeping me and that love and the bond right at the center of what he's doing so he can't lose it. Which sounds horribly self-centered egotistical of me to say, but it's the only way I have to explain how it's shifted.... I don't know why, but somehow it has. And it's while he's awake this change has happened - it's not a subconscious thing, it's a very focused conscious choice he's made/making.
I don't understand why, but I do recognize is. And I don't know that I've ever heard him quite like this on the bond. It still all feels rather like a house of cards that never will stand and stay to me.... But I must admit that I find his focused optimism and certainty and overwhelmingly strong love and need pouring down the bond as infectious as it is heady and it's making me more optimistic that maybe there is a way he's found out of this toxic mess that's been made of what should have been incredibly easy for him. More optimistic than I've been in a very long time. Optimistic against all common sense.
Which is probably foolish of me and only setting myself up to be hurt. Again. And then nobody but me to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust where I should have known better than to give it. Again. *sigh* I know it's foolish and likely to only cause me more pain, but still it's pulling at me asking me to believe in him again just a little longer, not to give up on him just yet. And more than anything, just reaching for me with all that intensity of his love and longing pouring it into me and the bond. making certain it's reaching me I can feel it from him, know his truth, all the time always.
It's not anything concrete. But it's strong, incredibly strong. And constant.
Monday, December 16, 2019
I have five days left til solstice, nine days left til the eclipse. If I'm going to put the bond to sleep at this one which is what I intend to do (as opposed to the companion eclipse in 6 weeks) I'm running out of time to figure out how to do that.....
And as of last night, he's no longer distracted as he's been, he's intensely focused on strengthening the bond and pouring love into it. Which will make it harder for me to put it to sleep. Presuming I figure out how - last time it was done for me by the Seelie. I don't know if they will again or what price they'll ask in exchange this time.
~*~*~*~
Also, last night I had a recurring dream I went to visit Dave in Nashville and he was teasing me while we were in line at a coffeehouse after a really good lunch about how it wasn't so bad. (anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LOATHE Nashville and how it changes anyone who moves there stays there for too long. The only city I hate more than Nashville is Las Vegas. I actually prefer Los Angeles over Nashville, so getting me to even consider visiting Nashville is a huge concession from me. Genuinely cannot stand the city or anything about it....) And then Eric and Brittany walked in behind us and it was really horrible and awkward me having to do introductions. And Eric asked if we could talk so Brittany suggested we grab a table while she took David to the queue flirting with him since she knew what to get Eric and I told David to make good decisions for me.
After that it played out differently in different iterations. Sometimes very different endings. But this was the most common.
we didn't really have much to say in the short time we had before they came back, mostly it was just a lot of awkward.... "So that's Dave." "Yep. That's Dave." "He seems nice." "He is." "Where did I mess it all up?" "I tried to warn you before I left. But you never listened to me and you never cared if your actions hurt me." "And he does?" "Always. On both counts." "Will you ever come back?" "For what? I'm still blocked on the band account, and all over an honest truth she didn't want you to know. And it's turned out just as I warned it would if the bullying was never addressed."
And it was all just really horrible and awkward, especially when it came up that Dave and I were seeing each other but as long as he wasn't willing to make it official, I insisted on it being an open relationship. And then Brittany started hitting on Dave even more while Eric and I were just awkward af didn't know what to say to each other in this situation with him hurt and jealous of Dave and me just flustered wondering how this could be happening....
But I do remember that at the end of it, after they left, David asked me, "So that's Eric?" and I said, "Yep. That's Eric." and Dave nodded, put his arm around me and told me, "I've decided it's time we make us official. I've been thinking it for a while, but today made me realize I'm done leaving our relationship open." And I snuggled into him said, "Good. But I'm still not moving to Nashville. Ever. I really fucking hate this city."
First time I've had a dream like that. With both of them in it.
(I actually have considered the likelihood of Dave and Eric crossing paths. Especially now Dave and Diana are broken up and he's back living with Scott (Mulvahill) like he was when he first moved to Nashville. And he's known Scott for years, but it's only in the last 6 months that Delta Rae had Scott open part of their tour and it became real to me how easily they could cross paths now. I was quite relieved that Dave was doing a livestream with a friend the night of the Delta Rae show at Exit/In...meant Scott couldn't convince him to go if Scott went I want to be clear with myself so I can be clear with them both before those wires get crossed.... )
And as of last night, he's no longer distracted as he's been, he's intensely focused on strengthening the bond and pouring love into it. Which will make it harder for me to put it to sleep. Presuming I figure out how - last time it was done for me by the Seelie. I don't know if they will again or what price they'll ask in exchange this time.
~*~*~*~
Also, last night I had a recurring dream I went to visit Dave in Nashville and he was teasing me while we were in line at a coffeehouse after a really good lunch about how it wasn't so bad. (anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LOATHE Nashville and how it changes anyone who moves there stays there for too long. The only city I hate more than Nashville is Las Vegas. I actually prefer Los Angeles over Nashville, so getting me to even consider visiting Nashville is a huge concession from me. Genuinely cannot stand the city or anything about it....) And then Eric and Brittany walked in behind us and it was really horrible and awkward me having to do introductions. And Eric asked if we could talk so Brittany suggested we grab a table while she took David to the queue flirting with him since she knew what to get Eric and I told David to make good decisions for me.
After that it played out differently in different iterations. Sometimes very different endings. But this was the most common.
we didn't really have much to say in the short time we had before they came back, mostly it was just a lot of awkward.... "So that's Dave." "Yep. That's Dave." "He seems nice." "He is." "Where did I mess it all up?" "I tried to warn you before I left. But you never listened to me and you never cared if your actions hurt me." "And he does?" "Always. On both counts." "Will you ever come back?" "For what? I'm still blocked on the band account, and all over an honest truth she didn't want you to know. And it's turned out just as I warned it would if the bullying was never addressed."
And it was all just really horrible and awkward, especially when it came up that Dave and I were seeing each other but as long as he wasn't willing to make it official, I insisted on it being an open relationship. And then Brittany started hitting on Dave even more while Eric and I were just awkward af didn't know what to say to each other in this situation with him hurt and jealous of Dave and me just flustered wondering how this could be happening....
But I do remember that at the end of it, after they left, David asked me, "So that's Eric?" and I said, "Yep. That's Eric." and Dave nodded, put his arm around me and told me, "I've decided it's time we make us official. I've been thinking it for a while, but today made me realize I'm done leaving our relationship open." And I snuggled into him said, "Good. But I'm still not moving to Nashville. Ever. I really fucking hate this city."
First time I've had a dream like that. With both of them in it.
(I actually have considered the likelihood of Dave and Eric crossing paths. Especially now Dave and Diana are broken up and he's back living with Scott (Mulvahill) like he was when he first moved to Nashville. And he's known Scott for years, but it's only in the last 6 months that Delta Rae had Scott open part of their tour and it became real to me how easily they could cross paths now. I was quite relieved that Dave was doing a livestream with a friend the night of the Delta Rae show at Exit/In...meant Scott couldn't convince him to go if Scott went I want to be clear with myself so I can be clear with them both before those wires get crossed.... )
Saturday, December 14, 2019
1) don't oversteep dragonwell green tea.... It needs to steep on the short end of the 1-3mins for green tea, especially the first steep, and I accidentally steeped mine for 7 minutes. Tastes so green I feel like I'm chewing grass or alfalfa...
I didn't mean to do it -- it's a really fresh wonderful mid-grade Dragonwell I only just opened today so I really didn't WANT to over-steep it... i just got distracted. With it so fresh, it should have steeped 1.5mins tops.... Whoops!
2) I need to call my aunt since none of her brothers will do it and she agreed with me during our 50mins conversation the other day (during my 5 hours at grandma's on Thurs morning before my dentist appointment at 2:30 for my twice annual cleaning/checkup) that she was quite happy having me be the go between with her and grandma AND her and the boys coordinating to make things as cooperative as possible.
Ooh-wee you should have HEARD her and my da get into it on Tuesday this week... Lawd...They both hung up on each other during it. It doesn't help any that right now all three of her brothers are angry about the mistakes she made in how she handled the situation last week (when I was there but she wouldn't listen to me even as I had my phone in my hand in the process of calling 911 then suddenly she's insisting she's as strong as the boys and asking her mom to trust her as she lifts her up off the floor....) and now she's all defensive about it being a judgement call of whoever is there and you can't call or take to the er every time an old person falls and she won't even admit that she was in the wrong in this PARTICULAR case because whenever discovering a person on the ground who can't move or get up telling you that they fell on their back and it now hurts and they can't remember if they hit their head or blacked out at all is a situation to ALWAYS call an ambulance not move them unless they're in imminent danger like the fall happened on a busy road or something..... On the one hand, I feel bad for her because she DID do the best she could in the stressful situation and legitimately her using her adrenaline to pick up and move someone 10lbs heavier than her IS an impressive feat and she feels attacked instead of congratulated... But she made EVERY wrong decision at every step along the way that night and even while some of the things she did were impressive, they were the absolute wrong thing to do and the decisions were made out of ego-driven selfishness because motivating everything she did was that she wanted to leave to go meet up with friends go dancing to enjoy her one night per week off from the twins.
She absolutely should NOT be the one making health decisions for grandma, especially in an emergency, but she was legitimately doing superhuman things to the best of her ability within the horrible decisions she made in the moment.... And there's definitely some petty jealousies unhealed in her about needing to prove herself as good or as strong as the boys (they all grew up on a farm together -- so some tasks WERE reserved for the boys to do because Linda just physically wasn't as strong as all of them were as kids/teens -- to this day, my da can bicep curl more than I weigh, which is just ridiculous, lol.) And even while so pissed off at her, I did get my dad (and thus his brothers) to concede that while Linda isn't good at being in charge of decisions in a crisis, she's INCREDIBLY task oriented and extraordinarily competent at getting things done on a checklist or with someone else making the decisions. (My dad gets angered, but he's a Capricorn and an appeal to logic will ALWAYS win him over no matter how upset he is at anyone or anything. And my Capricorn moon finds this tack easier than anything else with him to bring him back to balance and fairness and to be just to others when he's upset.)
But I need to call her still to see if she is able/willing to have a family cooperative meeting next Saturday at 2pm to try to get everyone on the same page with grandma.... But I'm thinking I'll wait til morning because I've been procrastinating that call since about 5pm trying to figure out how not to interrupt dinner/cleanup/bedtime for the twins. I want to catch my aunt at a good time so she'll be in a good mood not rushed or upset I interrupted, y'know?
My aunt is difficult. All my dad's side of the family are difficult strong personalities. love them dearly. But she can be the most tricky. Honestly, when i tell people that I am not nearly as unreasonably stubborn or strongly opinionated or blunt in my honesty as the rest of my dad's family, it's the simple truth. I told my papa that i tell people that and they look aghast and he laughed and laughed til tears came down his face and he's just like, "O but Dani you are the diplomat of all of us -- my parents and me and all my siblings make you look like a quiet pushover." I laughed, "O I know. You're all good practice for letting things roll off my back if they're unimportant and making peace between difficult people. And learning to understand where a person is coming from while refusing to condone their behaviors of how they expressed it."
It's true though. If you think I'm a lot and incredibly painfully blunt call it as it is honest, you should meet the rest of my family.....
3) Ooft. This month's Tarot by Bronx for Libra.....
She was feeling just the spirit shadows of all the heartaches of this letting go and it was gutting her making her want to cry.
But i stand by my saying I don't see any good to come by me giving in to my desires to give Eric yet another chance without him/them confronting and dealing with this toxic mess that the girls involved in Delta Rae over this last year have created. Ain't none of this the boys' fault, even if Eric is the one paying for it by his refusal to confront the manipulation and bullying dynamics the girls have introduced. (Most especially in the combination of Jessie telling Britt what she wants to hear and continuously feeding the worst aspects of Britt's ego and pride while undermining the better aspects of her nurturing nature which ARE a part of her -- just a part of her that Jessie's influence crushes and destroys while Jessie feeds her ego and tells her she never did wrong even if she did. That girl is absolutely toxic for Britt, and the band as a whole, but particularly for what she brings out in Brittany...And because Brittany has an old enough soul she should know better, every time she listens to Jessie it costs her a significant amount in instant karma fucking up her life unexpectedly....She gonna be the actual death and destruction of her and a life of various living Hells if she doesn't clean up her act and detox from Jessie's influence and SOON.)
Also, on a completely practical note as a healer: The love that Brittany so desperately craves and needs to heal her inner wounds will only come to her when she is acting out of a place of love rather than pride-driven lashing out....and that was legitimately hard on me in Chicago and Minneapolis, to see just how deeply under the ego and fear driving her, Brittany does desire and need that love and warmth that she feels cut off from. I felt how much it hurt her, to see me give in and give it to her brothers (the one because he has done no wrongs to me and the other because of our own soul contracts between us so his hurt quite honestly pulled it out of me in a way that nobody else would get without earning it back) but for me to cut her not let her in to my love even if she came right over by Ian.....it hurt her to see Eric so easily forgiven and let back in to that warmth but for me not to give any to her.... especially since she just wants to snuggle up into that warmth and love -- as she's told me every time we've interacted and she got genuine hugs from me she could cozy up into. But that warmth and love that she craves and needs will NEVER be available to her so long as she is acting out of a place of ego, pride, fear, and defensiveness.... She can only receive it when she is coming from a place of genuine love and conciliation and healing. It's not denied her forever, it's just only available to those who ask for it from me coming from a place of genuine love within themself. And she hasn't done that or been in a place of genuine love that isn't ego-driven for over a year -- not since she got so entangled with Jessie over-indulging her ego and reinforcing her defensiveness lashing out in bullying ways.
But anyway. I stand by my analysis that me going back without healing where/how this keeps breaking is just going to make it break again and again and again and cut Eric and me again and again and again and again until I stick to it. So no matter how much it hurts both Eric and me to have me stand by this choice of mine, I'm done with these malicious bullying games and I refuse to give any more benefit of the doubt or any more chances until this toxicity the girls created and keep feeding is confronted and dealt with. And there will be no chance of me giving anything further from the band a fair shot or Eric EVER getting me back without that at this point. I'm done being a part of this recurring pattern of hurts due to the girls playing bullying manipulative games -- I'll have nothing to do with anyone involved until it's confronted and dealt with as it should have been when it first became known to be a problem.
I didn't mean to do it -- it's a really fresh wonderful mid-grade Dragonwell I only just opened today so I really didn't WANT to over-steep it... i just got distracted. With it so fresh, it should have steeped 1.5mins tops.... Whoops!
2) I need to call my aunt since none of her brothers will do it and she agreed with me during our 50mins conversation the other day (during my 5 hours at grandma's on Thurs morning before my dentist appointment at 2:30 for my twice annual cleaning/checkup) that she was quite happy having me be the go between with her and grandma AND her and the boys coordinating to make things as cooperative as possible.
Ooh-wee you should have HEARD her and my da get into it on Tuesday this week... Lawd...They both hung up on each other during it. It doesn't help any that right now all three of her brothers are angry about the mistakes she made in how she handled the situation last week (when I was there but she wouldn't listen to me even as I had my phone in my hand in the process of calling 911 then suddenly she's insisting she's as strong as the boys and asking her mom to trust her as she lifts her up off the floor....) and now she's all defensive about it being a judgement call of whoever is there and you can't call or take to the er every time an old person falls and she won't even admit that she was in the wrong in this PARTICULAR case because whenever discovering a person on the ground who can't move or get up telling you that they fell on their back and it now hurts and they can't remember if they hit their head or blacked out at all is a situation to ALWAYS call an ambulance not move them unless they're in imminent danger like the fall happened on a busy road or something..... On the one hand, I feel bad for her because she DID do the best she could in the stressful situation and legitimately her using her adrenaline to pick up and move someone 10lbs heavier than her IS an impressive feat and she feels attacked instead of congratulated... But she made EVERY wrong decision at every step along the way that night and even while some of the things she did were impressive, they were the absolute wrong thing to do and the decisions were made out of ego-driven selfishness because motivating everything she did was that she wanted to leave to go meet up with friends go dancing to enjoy her one night per week off from the twins.
She absolutely should NOT be the one making health decisions for grandma, especially in an emergency, but she was legitimately doing superhuman things to the best of her ability within the horrible decisions she made in the moment.... And there's definitely some petty jealousies unhealed in her about needing to prove herself as good or as strong as the boys (they all grew up on a farm together -- so some tasks WERE reserved for the boys to do because Linda just physically wasn't as strong as all of them were as kids/teens -- to this day, my da can bicep curl more than I weigh, which is just ridiculous, lol.) And even while so pissed off at her, I did get my dad (and thus his brothers) to concede that while Linda isn't good at being in charge of decisions in a crisis, she's INCREDIBLY task oriented and extraordinarily competent at getting things done on a checklist or with someone else making the decisions. (My dad gets angered, but he's a Capricorn and an appeal to logic will ALWAYS win him over no matter how upset he is at anyone or anything. And my Capricorn moon finds this tack easier than anything else with him to bring him back to balance and fairness and to be just to others when he's upset.)
But I need to call her still to see if she is able/willing to have a family cooperative meeting next Saturday at 2pm to try to get everyone on the same page with grandma.... But I'm thinking I'll wait til morning because I've been procrastinating that call since about 5pm trying to figure out how not to interrupt dinner/cleanup/bedtime for the twins. I want to catch my aunt at a good time so she'll be in a good mood not rushed or upset I interrupted, y'know?
My aunt is difficult. All my dad's side of the family are difficult strong personalities. love them dearly. But she can be the most tricky. Honestly, when i tell people that I am not nearly as unreasonably stubborn or strongly opinionated or blunt in my honesty as the rest of my dad's family, it's the simple truth. I told my papa that i tell people that and they look aghast and he laughed and laughed til tears came down his face and he's just like, "O but Dani you are the diplomat of all of us -- my parents and me and all my siblings make you look like a quiet pushover." I laughed, "O I know. You're all good practice for letting things roll off my back if they're unimportant and making peace between difficult people. And learning to understand where a person is coming from while refusing to condone their behaviors of how they expressed it."
It's true though. If you think I'm a lot and incredibly painfully blunt call it as it is honest, you should meet the rest of my family.....
3) Ooft. This month's Tarot by Bronx for Libra.....
She was feeling just the spirit shadows of all the heartaches of this letting go and it was gutting her making her want to cry.
But i stand by my saying I don't see any good to come by me giving in to my desires to give Eric yet another chance without him/them confronting and dealing with this toxic mess that the girls involved in Delta Rae over this last year have created. Ain't none of this the boys' fault, even if Eric is the one paying for it by his refusal to confront the manipulation and bullying dynamics the girls have introduced. (Most especially in the combination of Jessie telling Britt what she wants to hear and continuously feeding the worst aspects of Britt's ego and pride while undermining the better aspects of her nurturing nature which ARE a part of her -- just a part of her that Jessie's influence crushes and destroys while Jessie feeds her ego and tells her she never did wrong even if she did. That girl is absolutely toxic for Britt, and the band as a whole, but particularly for what she brings out in Brittany...And because Brittany has an old enough soul she should know better, every time she listens to Jessie it costs her a significant amount in instant karma fucking up her life unexpectedly....She gonna be the actual death and destruction of her and a life of various living Hells if she doesn't clean up her act and detox from Jessie's influence and SOON.)
Also, on a completely practical note as a healer: The love that Brittany so desperately craves and needs to heal her inner wounds will only come to her when she is acting out of a place of love rather than pride-driven lashing out....and that was legitimately hard on me in Chicago and Minneapolis, to see just how deeply under the ego and fear driving her, Brittany does desire and need that love and warmth that she feels cut off from. I felt how much it hurt her, to see me give in and give it to her brothers (the one because he has done no wrongs to me and the other because of our own soul contracts between us so his hurt quite honestly pulled it out of me in a way that nobody else would get without earning it back) but for me to cut her not let her in to my love even if she came right over by Ian.....it hurt her to see Eric so easily forgiven and let back in to that warmth but for me not to give any to her.... especially since she just wants to snuggle up into that warmth and love -- as she's told me every time we've interacted and she got genuine hugs from me she could cozy up into. But that warmth and love that she craves and needs will NEVER be available to her so long as she is acting out of a place of ego, pride, fear, and defensiveness.... She can only receive it when she is coming from a place of genuine love and conciliation and healing. It's not denied her forever, it's just only available to those who ask for it from me coming from a place of genuine love within themself. And she hasn't done that or been in a place of genuine love that isn't ego-driven for over a year -- not since she got so entangled with Jessie over-indulging her ego and reinforcing her defensiveness lashing out in bullying ways.
But anyway. I stand by my analysis that me going back without healing where/how this keeps breaking is just going to make it break again and again and again and cut Eric and me again and again and again and again until I stick to it. So no matter how much it hurts both Eric and me to have me stand by this choice of mine, I'm done with these malicious bullying games and I refuse to give any more benefit of the doubt or any more chances until this toxicity the girls created and keep feeding is confronted and dealt with. And there will be no chance of me giving anything further from the band a fair shot or Eric EVER getting me back without that at this point. I'm done being a part of this recurring pattern of hurts due to the girls playing bullying manipulative games -- I'll have nothing to do with anyone involved until it's confronted and dealt with as it should have been when it first became known to be a problem.
I could go back to following Eric. There's really nothing stopping me. It's literally one tap on the screen for me to choose to let him reach me that way. I know he's hurting and upset, I hear it inside me every damn moment he's upset over it - and that's all the time he's not distracted. Wanting to heal him hurting is always going to outweigh me being upset with him. That doesn't apply to anyone else involved in this, but it does to him. I could forgive what he did so he'd stop hurting, same as I chose to do in Chicago, because I was at a point I couldn't stand his hurting any longer. I could do that.
But what would be the point without anything done to fix the ethics issue of principle that broke it? It's just going to break again down that same flaw if that's not fixed.
And that isn't fixed. If anything, they've just been making it worse by once again only posting things exclusively to the band's instagram where fans are still blocked for having been honest they didn't like the country music. And yet the band is posting pictures there to that instagram account not on any other social media platform.
Nothing has changed. The system of ostracism remains in place and it makes anyone who posts to the band instagram account or shares things posted there complicit in bullying those she has ostracized.
And what's the point of me letting Eric in again without anything fixed or healed? How many times do I let us break the same way before I decide no more? I'm just going to have my buttons pushed the next time it happens over the injustice and the hypocrisy it makes of everything the band ever claimed to stand for regarding equality and treating people with basic respect. And then Eric winds up hurting just the same when I get upset again over Brittany playing bullying headgames again with the band account and for myself, as well as being disappointed in the band and whoever posted there once more, I'll be even more angry at myself for letting me be fooled into thinking they might be who/what they have spent a decade claiming to be rather than what their actions of the last year have shown them to be.
So what good would it do for me to respond in any way other than leaving at this point over Brittany's fuckup that she has defensively refused to let anyone acknowledge or even attempt to heal?
If it can't be good between Eric and me because of the toxicity of Britt's defensiveness and ego, then I'd rather he and I both are hurt over me removing myself from his life options than this game of toxic rollercoaster of emotions whenever Brittany gets defensive needs to make her brother prove to her that he loves her. The only way you end manipulative head games is refusing to play them. And that's the point I'm at. There is no "one more chance" for Eric without the confrontation of fixing what she broke and stopping the ego-driven bullying behaviors that the band account has been mixed up in for over a year now. I'm done playing her manipulative defensive head games. and honestly, I'm angry at her for intentionally using her brother as a pawn in her games knowing how deeply that's going to hurt him every time she asks it of him.
You can't measure love by how much someone is willing to sacrifice or hurt themself for you or what other thing they love they give up for you - that's cruelty and power games but not love. And it's wrong of her to demand that of him to prove he loves her..... And I'm done with me being something she can use to hurt him or ask him to prove he loves her by choosing her over me. That's not a game I'm willing to play with his heart and since Britt is willing to play with his heart that way over and over and over, I'm removing myself from Eric's options so she can't use me in her manipulative games with him. I am outside her power to control and always will be. And if Eric's going to be hurt regardless, I'd rather it be by my decision to leave than by me playing any part in her constant manipulation and games.
But what would be the point without anything done to fix the ethics issue of principle that broke it? It's just going to break again down that same flaw if that's not fixed.
And that isn't fixed. If anything, they've just been making it worse by once again only posting things exclusively to the band's instagram where fans are still blocked for having been honest they didn't like the country music. And yet the band is posting pictures there to that instagram account not on any other social media platform.
Nothing has changed. The system of ostracism remains in place and it makes anyone who posts to the band instagram account or shares things posted there complicit in bullying those she has ostracized.
And what's the point of me letting Eric in again without anything fixed or healed? How many times do I let us break the same way before I decide no more? I'm just going to have my buttons pushed the next time it happens over the injustice and the hypocrisy it makes of everything the band ever claimed to stand for regarding equality and treating people with basic respect. And then Eric winds up hurting just the same when I get upset again over Brittany playing bullying headgames again with the band account and for myself, as well as being disappointed in the band and whoever posted there once more, I'll be even more angry at myself for letting me be fooled into thinking they might be who/what they have spent a decade claiming to be rather than what their actions of the last year have shown them to be.
So what good would it do for me to respond in any way other than leaving at this point over Brittany's fuckup that she has defensively refused to let anyone acknowledge or even attempt to heal?
If it can't be good between Eric and me because of the toxicity of Britt's defensiveness and ego, then I'd rather he and I both are hurt over me removing myself from his life options than this game of toxic rollercoaster of emotions whenever Brittany gets defensive needs to make her brother prove to her that he loves her. The only way you end manipulative head games is refusing to play them. And that's the point I'm at. There is no "one more chance" for Eric without the confrontation of fixing what she broke and stopping the ego-driven bullying behaviors that the band account has been mixed up in for over a year now. I'm done playing her manipulative defensive head games. and honestly, I'm angry at her for intentionally using her brother as a pawn in her games knowing how deeply that's going to hurt him every time she asks it of him.
You can't measure love by how much someone is willing to sacrifice or hurt themself for you or what other thing they love they give up for you - that's cruelty and power games but not love. And it's wrong of her to demand that of him to prove he loves her..... And I'm done with me being something she can use to hurt him or ask him to prove he loves her by choosing her over me. That's not a game I'm willing to play with his heart and since Britt is willing to play with his heart that way over and over and over, I'm removing myself from Eric's options so she can't use me in her manipulative games with him. I am outside her power to control and always will be. And if Eric's going to be hurt regardless, I'd rather it be by my decision to leave than by me playing any part in her constant manipulation and games.
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