I'm not going to continue considering what had me in such a panic the other day about the hurricane incoming when it didn't come anywhere near me and why it felt personal not identifiably someone I love -- I know who it couldn't be but i don't know who it was had me feeling that way. I recognize there is an obvious answer of who would feel like myself was threatened and for all I know he could have been somewhere on his tour that brought him into areas of N Carolina where the torrential flooding was bad. But I don't know and I'm not even going to try to pursue it by seeing where his tour had taken him -- I told you that I feel very firmly it's not worth my time or energy to pursue the bond any further so long as his sister keeps me ostracized from participation in the most important pillars of his life uses him as her tool of causing pain/hurt rather than doing it her own self -- most specifically ostracizing me from being included in his family life, his career, and his creative endeavors. *shrugs* What's the point of investing any further of myself in a relationship that can't grow healthy because it's poisoned by the consequences of choices made by a third party that is tied solely to him and his life? So even if he was in danger and that's what had the panic on me like that as if I myself were in the path of a titanic natural force I had to flee, it's past now and I'm not going to pursue it if that's the direction that it leads because I don't see anything of worth or anything healthy coming from pursuing the questions in that direction. It's done, my panic eased later that morning after I wrote about it and felt that everyone who mattered to me was safe and further than that is a closed door and not entirely by my choices but as a boundary to be respected. My choice in light of the truths that the consequences of other people's choices laid bare is that if it can't be made healthy, and as long as I'm the only one who cares about how/why it was made toxic it can't be made healthy, then it is best I let go of Eric and the bond and everything it could have been -- to let go of him and let us both pursue whatever paths we choose and whatever happiness they lead us to find. Because, you see, as long as these toxic patterns due to third party ostracism related boundaries are in play, well that's rather the end before the beginning, which by my own rules puts him beyond the bounds of any man I should consider romantically as it will only waste time/energy and cause heartache -- toxic cycles repeating don't change until the dynamic is changed. And if your available choices mean you can't change the dynamic, then walking away is how you break the cycle. Change the choices/options to break out of the toxic repeating patterns and I would reconsider, but without that? what good are we doing each other even trying when the same patterns repeat due to the same choices being open due to the constraints the consequences of his sister's choices in 2018 put on me being welcomed or wanted in the most important pillars of his life as he has built it this lifetime?

 I can't recall when I last posted astro poets horoscopes here, but I don't think it could have been since Irishfest season so I'll just start with including the first weekend of August thorugh the one that just came in for next week. Um, I will still include Libra and Pisces (both of which are my usn and rising) but I don't know if I ought to include Gemini (Diarmaid's sign) or not since from the time we actually met and talked to each other (starting in La Crosse Irishfest but didn't cross paths in Milwaukee but then talked most in Peoria and Chicago) it does seem to dialogue a bit with the Libra horoscopes since I met him though it never did before.

Week of 7/28:

"Week of 7/28 in Libra: You know the way. It’s clear and part of where you are. You can see the green light as much as anything. You are loved completely. You know exactly what is there for everything."

"Week of 7/28 in Pisces: You have coated the whole thing with feeling. That’s exactly as you want it. You have an opinion. You have a soul. You have it all."

Week of 8/4:

"Week of 8/4 in Libra: So much love. The pink birds are flying in the blue sky. They are soaring. You created everything. You are an artist."

"Week of 8/4 in Pisces: There’s a mystery awaiting. Only you can solve it. But you will ask for help. That’s because you love who you ask. You love to be one with everything."

Week of 8/11: 

"Week of 8/11 in Gemini: You may wish for the past. But that is not what you want. You want a future you haven’t imagined yet. You can be there. You can hold within you what you want."

"Week of 8/11 in Libra: There is a morning. Where you are not alone you are with everyone. There is one who pines for you. Let the trees emit their flower. Let the song begin with its real self."

"Week of 8/11 in Pisces: There’s nothing but love. You have known that a real thing. Now you must let it blend into the air. The hardest parts are over. Now you will be one in the moon."

 Week of 8/18: 

"Week of 8/18 in Gemini: You can hardly believe it. But that feeling is what drives you. You can sing as you want to. What motivates it all. Is the drive of the poem."

"Week of 8/18 in Libra: You are here. It’s a sweet reminder of a belief. That it holds true like blue and green. The earth of happiness. The embrace of everything."

"Week of 8/18 in Pisces: You will go around to the place where you started. And so it finds itself as it was. Something of a static morning or two. Where you can see the best parts of yourself. That’s the part that is necessary."

Week of 8/25:

 "Week of 8/25 in Gemini: So many kinds of music. It all plays in your head. Now you may see it in the open. No particularly pure reason. But a heart of it all that sings."

"Week of 8/25 in Libra: To be present in the song. To be present in a present. Your presence is everything that was desired. The longing for it all was a type of water. Now you can drink from pure love."

"Week of 8/25 in Pisces: Something has ended. That was a delight again. You can see a way through. Blue so truly. And a night vision."

Week of 9/1:

"Week of 9/1 in Gemini: You can see the past now and again. It’s not that you fear it. It’s that you assume it holds absolutely nothing. Take the little jewels out now. Look at them in the fading summer sun."

"Week of 9/1 in Libra: When you can be there, be in the room. Orange and red like emotions of love. You have a way to get the answer to whoever needs it most. Your love is deeper than anything. That will come back to you."

"Week of 9/1 in Pisces: Put the things you can’t forget in a box. Don’t put it away, hold it. Put in the front and center the way you can see into the sky. That’s the realm of everything. So do it."

Week of 9/8:

"Week of 9/8 in Gemini: You can feel a deep and abiding peace. But in the middle a caustic ribbon. Do you grab hold of either? A tale to tell now. There’s family here."

"Week of 9/8 in Libra: You have words to give. You know exactly what elements will help now. A sweet caress. Love and everything is your moment. You hold it as you are given it."

"Week of 9/8 in Pisces: Every last piece of it. That’s the heart of the reminder. Summer is in the heart. It reads like everything. Know your place in the heart of summer."

Week of 9/15:

"Week of 9/15 in Gemini: A life let loose with emotion. You know to be quiet in that. You reach around the bend until you can find it. A print of flowers and fruit. A life again."

"Week of 9/15 in Libra: You can see into the future. But know that even then love is an immensity. All of the songs will be written for you. They will be love songs. Full of good days in the blue."

"Week of 9/15 in Pisces: Green and blue have a forgiving nature to them. You know that only to be real with what was. You can hold it as close as you must. But only you can see it. Only you can deal with what is there for you."

Week of 9/22:

"Week of 9/22 in Gemini: Something in the middle. It’s not that it is boring. It’s that everything begins again. Let it. Let it all renew itself."

"Week of 9/22 in Libra: There is something immense. It’s the love that is held out to you. A green and yellow ball of joy. You near the bend of it. You hold everything that begins with positive feelings."

"Week of 9/22 in Pisces: You have a friend that is there for you. Instead of waiting it begins again. Finally a piece of it with love. Shells and crystal things. Instead of waiting love instead."

Week of 9/29:

"Week of 9/29 in Gemini: Some luck is all around you. It always is, but now it’s multiplied. You can begin with words. There’s a green and yellow thing. That’s the part of it that you like."

"Week of 9/29 in Libra: A blue is encased in more blue. That’s love. That’s what you feel and what is surrounding you. Something like an all-seeing piece of life. Love is everything and you are it."

"Week of 9/29 in Pisces: So it seems that you can see the center. But it’s not that exactly. You hold a very bright intention. That extends in time. Let time go."

It almost tells a story, but it doesn't quite. Like being in the middle of a story still unfolding.

But anyway, Diarmaid  is in Ireland on tour with shows nearly every week for the rest of the year so while I still follow and the band brings me joy I don't expect anything to come of it and Eric is on tour and I'm actively not letting myself reach down that bond or respond to it if he reaches for me or even consider the connection as viable as long as the only things that can grow from it are toxic due to third party choices and consequences of those choices. And that isn't going to change, not in this life so long as everything central to his life is affected by the toxicity of the choices made in his name that he allows to affect me having any place in the aspects most central to his life and his life choices. Anyway, neither of them are in my life right now and neither of them have chosen to weave me into the fabric of their lives, so I'm not really considering them other than the ways they bring joy into my life (any joy that they do add to my life, which is more Diarmaid than Eric at this point) and instead to focus on who is choosing to be in my life and what is good/beautiful within my own life as I am living it.

Not much in my upcoming plans other than hanging out with the dogs (and Spock when Sophie is at work on Monday or the dogs are at work by themselves for a bit tomorrow) until Tues morning when my parents return. Also Crissy is coming over on Sun to watch the Packers game with me and the dogs. And Mon I should get a call back about Spock's vet tests from his Fri appointment. He lost another 1.1lbs in the year since his last vet visit (and he had lost 1.1lbs between his vet visit the year before as well. He's down to about 12.5lbs from being around 15.5lbs back in 2021.  Which doesn't seem like a lot in human terms but it is as a percentage of his weight, especially for not having done anything to try to have him lose weight or restricting his food intake. (He's a free feeder, I replace his food as he needs it but I don't restrict his access to food and never have, he's a social eater and has never needed restriction due to over eating or weight gain.)  He's 15 years old and I'm not going to spend too much money pursuing this if the blood work and urinalysis is inconclusive -- but also if it's something relatively easy to address, I'd rather he not keep losing muscle mass before I do something about it because in older animals it's hard to regain lean muscle mass once it's lost.  I expect the answer is just that he's an old cat but if it's something that can be easily/cheaply addressed to increase his quality of life that remains to him I would like to know.