1) don't oversteep dragonwell green tea....  It needs to steep on the short end of the 1-3mins for green tea, especially the first steep, and I accidentally steeped mine for 7 minutes.  Tastes so green I feel like I'm chewing grass or alfalfa...

I didn't mean to do it  -- it's a really fresh wonderful mid-grade Dragonwell I only just opened today so I really didn't WANT to over-steep it... i just got distracted.  With it so fresh, it should have steeped 1.5mins tops.... Whoops!

2) I need to call my aunt since none of her brothers will do it and she agreed with me during our 50mins conversation the other day (during my 5 hours at grandma's on Thurs morning before my dentist appointment at 2:30 for my twice annual cleaning/checkup) that she was quite happy having me be the go between with her and grandma AND her and the boys coordinating to make things as cooperative as possible.

Ooh-wee you should have HEARD her and my da get into it on Tuesday this week... Lawd...They both hung up on each other during it. It doesn't help any that right now all three of her brothers are angry about the mistakes she made in how she handled the situation last week (when I was there but she wouldn't listen to me even as I had my phone in my hand in the process of calling 911 then suddenly she's insisting she's as strong as the boys and asking her mom to trust her as she lifts her up off the floor....) and now she's all defensive about it being a judgement call of whoever is there and you can't call or take to the er every time an old person falls and she won't even admit that she was in the wrong in this PARTICULAR case because whenever discovering a person on the ground who can't move or get up telling you that they fell on their back and it now hurts and they can't remember if they hit their head or blacked out at all is a situation to ALWAYS call an ambulance not move them unless they're in imminent danger like the fall happened on a busy road or something..... On the one hand, I feel bad for her because she DID do the best she could in the stressful situation and legitimately her using her adrenaline to pick up and move someone 10lbs heavier than her IS an impressive feat and she feels attacked instead of congratulated... But she made EVERY wrong decision at every step along the way that night and even while some of the things she did were impressive, they were the absolute wrong thing to do and the decisions were made out of ego-driven selfishness because motivating everything she did was that she wanted to leave to go meet up with friends go dancing to enjoy her one night per week off from the twins.

She absolutely should NOT be the one making health decisions for grandma, especially in an emergency, but she was legitimately doing superhuman things to the best of her ability within the horrible decisions she made in the moment.... And there's definitely some petty jealousies unhealed in her about needing to prove herself as good or as strong as the boys (they all grew up on a farm together -- so some tasks WERE reserved for the boys to do because Linda just physically wasn't as strong as all of them were as kids/teens -- to this day, my da can bicep curl more than I weigh, which is just ridiculous, lol.)  And even while so pissed off at her, I did get my dad (and thus his brothers) to concede that while Linda isn't good at being in charge of decisions in a crisis, she's INCREDIBLY task oriented and extraordinarily competent at getting things done on a checklist or with someone else making the decisions. (My dad gets angered, but he's a Capricorn and an appeal to logic will ALWAYS win him over no matter how upset he is at anyone or anything. And my Capricorn moon finds this tack easier than anything else with him to bring him back to balance and fairness and to be just to others when he's upset.)

But I need to call her still to see if she is able/willing to have a family cooperative meeting next Saturday at 2pm to try to get everyone on the same page with grandma.... But I'm thinking I'll wait til morning because I've been procrastinating that call since about 5pm trying to figure out how not to interrupt dinner/cleanup/bedtime for the twins. I want to catch my aunt at a good time so she'll be in a good mood not rushed or upset I interrupted, y'know?

My aunt is difficult. All my dad's side of the family are difficult strong personalities. love them dearly. But she can be the most tricky. Honestly,  when i tell people that I am not nearly as unreasonably stubborn or strongly opinionated or blunt in my honesty as the rest of my dad's family, it's the simple truth. I told my papa that i tell people that and they look aghast and he laughed and laughed til tears came down his face and he's just like, "O but Dani you are the diplomat of all of us -- my parents and me and all my siblings make you look like a quiet pushover." I laughed, "O I know. You're all good practice for letting things roll off my back if they're unimportant and making peace between difficult people. And learning to understand where a person is coming from while refusing to condone their behaviors of how they expressed it."

It's true though. If you think I'm a lot and incredibly painfully blunt call it as it is honest, you should meet the rest of my family.....

3) Ooft. This month's Tarot by Bronx for Libra.....

She was feeling just the spirit shadows of all the heartaches of this letting go and it was gutting her making her want to cry.

But i stand by my saying I don't see any good to come by me giving in to my desires to give Eric yet another chance without him/them confronting and dealing with this toxic mess that the girls involved in Delta Rae over this last year have created. Ain't none of this the boys' fault, even if Eric is the one paying for it by his refusal to confront the manipulation and bullying dynamics the girls have introduced. (Most especially in the combination of Jessie telling Britt what she wants to hear and continuously feeding the worst aspects of Britt's ego and pride while undermining the better aspects of her nurturing nature which ARE a part of her -- just a part of her that Jessie's influence  crushes and destroys while Jessie feeds her ego and tells her she never did wrong even if she did. That girl is absolutely toxic for Britt, and the band as a whole, but particularly for what she brings out in Brittany...And because Brittany has an old enough soul she should know better, every time she listens to Jessie it costs her a significant amount in instant karma fucking up her life unexpectedly....She gonna be the actual death and destruction of her and a life of various living Hells if she doesn't clean up her act and detox from Jessie's influence and SOON.)

Also, on a completely practical note as a healer: The love that Brittany so desperately craves and needs to heal her inner wounds will only come to her when she is acting out of a place of love rather than pride-driven lashing out....and that was legitimately hard on me in Chicago and Minneapolis, to see just how deeply under the ego and fear driving her, Brittany does desire and need that love and warmth that she feels cut off from. I felt how much it hurt her, to see me give in and give it to her brothers (the one because he has done no wrongs to me and the other because of our own soul contracts between us so his hurt quite honestly pulled it out of me in a way that nobody else would get without earning it back) but for me to cut her not let her in to my love even if she came right over by Ian.....it hurt her to see Eric so easily forgiven and let back in to that warmth but for me not to give any to her.... especially since she just wants to snuggle up into that warmth and love -- as she's told me every time we've interacted and she got genuine hugs from me she could cozy up into. But that warmth and love that she craves and needs will NEVER be available to her so long as she is acting out of a place of ego, pride, fear, and defensiveness.... She can only receive it when she is coming from a place of genuine love and conciliation and healing. It's not denied her forever, it's just only available to those who ask for it from me coming from a place of genuine love within themself. And she hasn't done that or been in a place of genuine love that isn't ego-driven for over a year -- not since she got so entangled with Jessie over-indulging her ego and reinforcing her defensiveness lashing out in bullying ways.

 But anyway. I stand by my analysis that me going back without healing where/how this keeps breaking is just going to make it break again and again and again and cut Eric and me again and again and again and again until I stick to it. So no matter how much it hurts both Eric and me to have me stand by this choice of mine, I'm done with these malicious bullying games and I refuse to give any more benefit of the doubt or any more chances until this toxicity the girls created and keep feeding is confronted and dealt with. And there will be no chance of me giving anything further from the band a fair shot or Eric EVER getting me back without that at this point. I'm done being a part of this recurring pattern of hurts due to the girls playing bullying manipulative games -- I'll have nothing to do with anyone involved until it's confronted and dealt with as it should have been when it first became known to be a problem.