Earlier today around 3pm (CST), while I was showering, I had the first contingent precog about Eric that I've had since the one I wrote about that made me cry for how it felt like a letting go of a dream you'd rather keep. I HAVE had contingent precogs with Dave in them since then AND he's been pretty constantly posting things he'll know will make me happy, make me smile or even laugh, and that are full of subtle inside jokes for me as well as constant, "see Diana and I are done done" hints AND I'll be seeing Dave again in just a couple weeks (January 17 and 18) for a couple shows in Ohio. But I've not had any contingent precogs involving Eric since the one in Sept/Oct that made me cry. Not til today.

Also, yesterday around noon-thirty, I went to do one of those silly "let your phone auto complete finish the phrase" memes that started, "in 2020 I'll" and even though almost everyone else's seemed rather banal, I thought I'd play. And mine was seeming normal enough as it fills in "In 2020 I'll be waiting" and then it continues "with" "my" "arms" and I just keep clicking WAITING for it to break the bloody damn lyrics and it never did! How the hell did my phone's auto-suggestions provide me with the lyrics to Meaning Of It All?!?! That is statistically so improbable it borders on truly impossible.....

I didn't have the sng on in the background at all that day. And I haven't even  ever typed those lyrics into my phone. I don't usually type lyrics on my phone, it takes too bloody damn long. I look them up and copy them then read them while the song plays inside my head to check for errors. So i KNOW I've NEVER tapped in the line "I'll be there waiting with my arms outstretched to reach for you my love" on my phone. And there's a 0% chance that it's even the slightest possible for it to randomly follow it with "Because we all want love."

I mean, wtaf?!?! That's not even my subconscious, it's a digital algorithm for predictive text. And of all songs, that's the one it decided to auto complete for me.

That's the all time craziest auto complete from my phone of EVER.... Even crazier than when it went on a regressive loop at the end of one of them that said "what about the red wine and what about the red wine and--" for as many repetitions as I bothered attempting.

So WHY did my phone decide that's how to fill in about 2020?!?! And that even before he started getting very noisy on the bond flooding me with his love, let alone more than a day before a contingent precog about him. (This was a new one too.)

And it's all opaque to me, I can't cheat to peer into it. That only works once the choices that lead down a fate line have been made. And something here is still in the air, still flipping hasn't landed yet.

It feels like there's something everyone knows but me. And I will, in the proper time, I just don't see it yet. Happens sometimes. Almost always while the coin is spinning, before decisions that determine the future path are made.

Still. It's odd, non?

I'm going to try not to think of it though. It's probably just a fluke. And I should crush it before I let myself dwell on the perhapses it awakens.... Soon enough things will go back to the way they've been fucked up for 14 months now. This is just a moment of abnormal false signs and meaningless serendipity. I don't have it in me to give them yet another chance, another shred of hope, just to see it shattered again. I'd rather pretend that there's no meaning to any of these random things than to get my hopes up just to get hurt again the same way and for the same reasons that anything to do with them or any hope for a future with Eric has become since his sister decided to block me for being honest that the country music was going to make me stop attending shows.

It's the same reason why when I've been so upset recently with so much weighing on me, I won't let me turn to him or even hope from anything from him to help ease it.... Because I'd rather not let him in just to be hurt by the consequences of his sister's actions of 14 months ago. I'd rather curl up around my hurt and ignore him not let him in than trust him only to get hit again by her relational bullying behavior pattern. I don't have the emotional carrying capacity to take any more of it any longer. Especially not on top of the rest that's been going on.

So I'd rather tell myself not to believe there's anything to the coincidence, that I shouldn't let me think about him. Not to let me hope.

Because that's better than being disappointed and hurt. By the same fucking patterns. Again.

I should know better by now. It's better not to let me hope for any change. Because seriously, what the fuck has changed for the better in the dynamic that has grown so toxic? Nothing. Nothing at all. So why should I expect anything different than what they've been dishing out for 14 months now? I'd be a fool to let myself hope any of it means something bigger than random unrelated coincidences, y'know?