I had a low grade migraine this morning, most likely from the barometric pressure change, but had promised to take grandma to her doctor's appointment so I went to be at her house by 10 instead of resting.  Now,  I'm old enough and my migraines have been an issue long enough (they started to get bad when I hit puberty,  though as a child I did get stomach aches/throwing up with auras which is typical of migraines in children) that I know trying to power through a migraine mild enough for me to function just makes them get exponentially worse the longer I try to keep doing things instead of putting myself into a hibernating state til the pain passes.  I do know better.....

And then, unfortunately, the offgassing chemicals of the construction/rennovations at GHC Sauk Trails since the horrible flooding last year that closed the clinic for 14 months made my migraine get astronomically worse waiting on grandma's appointment to end. (I'm a bit of a canary to offgassing chemicals,  always. Things that longterm give anyone cancer will give me migraines and make me wilt like a dying flower that had its stem snapped.  And it can happen quickly,  scares people when they see it. Especially if they don't know about how sensitive I am to chemicals and toxins.)

By 1:08, I was in such a state that it was all I could do to drive my grandma back home.  And she insisted I lie down on her couch to hold still and cover my eyes to block out all light as I told her that's the only thing would help. And I let her fuss over me, tucking me in and putting music on, and eventually drinking a small amount of juice after her 2:30 cognitive testing "speech therapy" in home appointment ended (went extraordinarily well!!) I made myself leave around 4:00 though because I could tell after 3 hours of resting that it wouldn't get better any time soon and I'd rather get my dog curl up in my bed til it passed then sleep on her couch if it ended up being 12+ hours to full recovery from it. (even once the all consuming pain and nausea passes,  I can still have auras and any movement or light can start it again for several more hours.)

So I left her place and threw up in her parking lot from the migraine but was hellbent deyermined to get my dog then get home. (look,  I'm a stubborn bitch sometimes,  even if it's not in my best interests.) Then had to pull over rather suddenly into the Cress Funeral Home parking lot to dry heave and throw up more bile on the way home.

But I got my dog and a very long hug from Mikaela (who also gets terrible migraines) before making it home.  (being around people when I'm migraine is hard because 1) I don't have the energy to block out the noisiness of their emotions/thoughts (a psychic spiritual defense I have to keep up any time I'm surrounded by people to not be constantly bombarded by their thoughts)  and 2) I experience peoples energy/chi as colored light surrounding them the same way I experience musical timbres as colored light (weirdly,  most singers have similar vocal timbre color to their soul light - throws me sets me on edge when they don't match) and the soul lights,  being lights,  cause me pain same as physical light.  (weirdly though,  music timbre colors do NOT cause me pain when I have a migraine even though the colors are akin to chi light - music playing is the only thing that helps me through a bad migraine and certain timbre colors reduce the painful migraine auras random bursts of light/color. Specifically,  piano,  acoustic guitar,  harp,  string arrangements, and specific voices help to reduce the migraine visual auras that are flashes of colored light like bursts of energies but without a source. My auras during migraines get worse during solar storms and eclipses and during certain times when the veils between worlds are thin - I think those migraines are honestly like blowing a circuit inside my head from all the energies pouring into the part of my brain (which runs via electricity)  that processes my psychic/spiritual/magical/intuitive gifts. Can't scientifically prove it,  but overuse of my gifts or during high energy celestial events always seems to blow a fuse in my brain gives me my worst migraines with intense light-energy auras.)

Then right after unlocking my own door,  the front door buzzed open and of all people,  it was Jeannine.  Brian and Jeannine are close family friends, Brian has known my da (also named Brian)  since before he met my mum (named Jeanne.)  (Yeah,  Brian & Jeanne are close friends with Brian & Jeannine.  Names have a weird tendency of repeating or being bizarrely similar in my family close friends groups. It gets confusing but you get used to it.  No other Daniella, but my family has always pronounced ny nickname Dani as Donnie, and the wife of my da's cousin Eric is named Bonnie.  (Eric lived in our basement when I was very young and I called him "Cousin Ic" because I couldn't do an English r, only guttural French r or dropped it entirely,  as a kid and I had greatest difficulty if the r was in the middle of words.) So in my family, "Eric and Bonnie" has been a thing since I was like 6. I also have an Uncle Dave - so both those names are repetitions within the family.....  As well as an Aunt Linda and an Aunt Lynda one on each side of the family, a dad named Brian and a cousin Ryan,  a grandma named Richelle and my sister named Michelle and cousin Jason's wife being Michelle, an Aunt Kath and step-aunt Cathy on the same side of the family..... Before we even get into friends and family friends with similar names....)  Anyway, Jeannine has known me this whole life but never seen me with a migraine.  She was visiting Pamela down the hall (the same one who has been such a bitch on a war path over dried mud off a boot she thought was animal feces in the hallway in the last week) and I didn't have any idea they knew each other.  but Jeannine is a very old soul I know from Egypt millenia ago before this life and deeply spiritual empath with VERY strong healing gifts.  So I apologized to her for not being my usual sunshiney self due to having a migraine,  she looked me in the eyes said,  "Wow. That's quite the electrical storm you have in there. You shouldn't have pushed it this far without taking care of yourself,  not even for your grandma.   Rest sweet one, you have time now to heal it before more battles." and then she hugged me and just took away the pain in my head that was already there before I could muster the energy to stop her. (taking away the physical pain of another soul is different than rapid accelerated healing - removing pain does take a toll on the healer in exhaustion and taking a portion of that pain in your own body in the same spot.  So given how bad my migraines get and how quickly it returns,  I genuinely don't usually let other healers help take my migraine pain away - only my father, my cousin Vincent, and my niece Monroe can sneak around my defenses to take any of it away from my migraines. And now Jeannine.  It already started rebuilding from the light in the hall and me moving as soon as she let me go,  but the amount of pain she took away was ridiculous and enabled me to take my contacts out change into pjs and put music on before resting WITHOUT another round of retching up bile and dry heaving (which I had been fighting to make it to the bathroom before the next round of it from the migraine before she took all that pain from me.)

It was an unexpected serendipity and I'm beyond words grateful for her choosing to heal me take away the pain for me like that.  I haven't thrown up since and by the time I could rest, it was mild enough that now 7 hours of sleep later the last "this could come back if I turn on a light or move" twinges have passed - and before she did that I knew it to be a 20-36 hours of hibernation with intermittent bouts of dry heaving every time I turned my head or rolled over for the next 12-18 hours to fully dissipate that migraine entirely with how bad it got due to me pushing it....   And I'm so incredibly grateful for that unexpected kindness and gift!!

Anyway.  All of that was background.  What I meant to write here was that during the 7 hours of my sleeping off the last healing of the migraine,  no matter how light or deeply I slept,  Eric was constantly there in my dream space while I rested to heal.  And all of it sweet,  none of it complicated.  Mostly just...him holding me and sometimes kissing me or stroking my hair while I was forced to lay still and rest - but mostly just us cuddling while I rested to heal, him holding me, asking me if I'd please stay because this peace of being able to just hold me feel the love between us is all he's ever really wanted and been seeking trying to make his.  He didn't ask me anything else, wasn't angry or defensive,   just wanted to hold me and convince me that I stay with him so we could find the way out of the mess made these last years and we could finally have and keep what we both desire more than anything else.  And that was it.  But every time I closed my eyes to sleep/dream state while my body repaired the electrical storm in my brain, some part of his soul was there in shared dream space just holding me and loving me asking me to just let us keep this make it real....

It's like some part of his soul is just waiting with open arms, whether he's awake or sleeping, hoping for me to let him in again  to accept his love and let mine flow into him.  And it's everything I want or ever wanted.  It feels like finally coming home to rest within that place where there is only love given and love received between Eric and me. And accepting it,  letting myself relax into it, is the most comforting healing peaceful thing I've ever known.

And it's not that I don't want to.... I want it more than anything.  I just genuinely don't think I can due to the ostracism created by blocking anyone on the band account then putting content exclusively there.  That's not right or fair or just - and it's a sick soul that can create or perpetuate intentional systems of cruelty and inequality rather than fighting to dismantle them wherever they are found no matter who created it.....  It's just not in my nature to have relativist ethics and any form of bullying angers me every time it happens...  It always pushes me immediately to anger and wakes up in me the warrioress defending the defenseless from the cruelty of another..... I can't stop myself from gerting angry at seeing anyone taking part in bullying of any form any more than I can stop myself from eventually blinking....  And nobody gets a pass on it,  because it's not about the person who does the bullying but about the way the bullying hurts whoever is victim(s) of the acts of cruelty....

And it doesn't matter how much I want to rest in that peace and love and light between Eric and me.  It can't be stable to last in this life while the band is engaging in relational bullying via ostracism, and certainly not when he is actively being a bully due to that system of ostracism existing at all....  It's a right versus wrong issue bigger than anything I might selfishly desire or he might desire.  And it's not negotiable, I can't bypass it or let it slide,  there's no room for compromising with cruelty without condoning and engaging in cruelty yourself....  And my soul rebels at that,  instinctively, because fighting it is why I chose to incarnate all those millenia ago.  It was seeing injustices and evils that someone needed to stand to protect the innocents and what is good here made me say,  "if not me then who?" and begin incarnating in the mortal cycle of souls....  It's not possible for me to forgive or ignore or condone bullying or acts of intentional cruelty at ANY level of injustice or suffering it creates.  It's why this is never going to be dropped by me toward the band or toward the girls who were involved in creating the system unless the system of ostracism is dismantled purged from the band account and this is properly dealt with healed.  There is no path forward and no real lasting rapprochement and healing without fixing what you have allowed to poison everything the band does. No matter how how hard you work or much other good you try to do to offset this,  so long as you allow anything you create or are part of to be used as a vehicle of injustice or intentional cruelty.  There just isn't.  Not with me at least....

I'm sorry but I can't react any other way to any instance of bullying or intentional cruelty.  Not for anyone, no matter how deep my love for them.  Not in this present lifetime or any of my lives past or future....  It's not a lack of love in me or me not desiring his love, it's because the bullying created by instituting any system of ostracism is an injust act of deliberate cruelty, which makes this an issue antithetical to the core of my nature at its deepest brightest burning isness of my soul.