I'm so very tired.

Soul sick tired.

I just got back from about 11 hours at my aunt & uncle's house talking with them and my cousin, not the one in L. A. going back repeatedly to her situation - the other cousin family stress point that blew up over the last few months.  (the preliminary divorce/custody hearing did NOT go well on Monday,  heard about it at like 6:30 right before heading to meet parents and Cath Cath to see the new Star Wars,  then I REALLY needed anything to make me smile an emotional hug and uplift,  but didn't expect any on socials at like 11pm or later,  so curled up with my dog as best I could hope for Mon night....) Anyway, the rest of the family all left after about 3 hours,  but I stayed to talk and it turned into me being there for nearly 11 houra helping to clarify find plan of action.

Basically,  messy messy divorce involving 3 years of abuse,  controlling,  and substance issues - and a 2.5 year old child in the middle of it.....  And I told them that the hardest thing with abusive narcissist cases is evidence.  Her testimony and his are hearsay,  have equal validity - but hard evidence,  preferably 3rd party,  to back up her story shifts that balance.  So I helped them find the answers they had but couldn't see (this is one of my strengths, bringing hidden things to light) for hard evidence to back up her story.  I also helped them get ready for worst case scenarios and told them it was time to level set now that they knew what they were dealing with and expect that his attorney is going to try to paint her as unfit parent and an unfit guardianship household if possible because he's playing the zero sum game of,  "if I can't have her,  none of you can either" with their daughter....  I also told her we need to crash course her on finding her Zen and not letting him,  his family,  or attorney destabilize her no matter what they say - because he knows all her buttons and will psychological warfare to try to get her to appear unstable and have an anxiety attack or spin out in front of the courts. As much as it hurts now to do the preliminary legwork on going through the evidence available and forcing spiritual growth on her in crash course form after 3 years of silent abuse breaking her AND she'll need to learn well enough to maintain it while being triggered by someone who knows how to push her is going to be fucking hard but she won't regret it even if she doesn't need it. She's strong enough for it, if she knows she needs to do it in order not to lose the war before it's begun.  If she needs it but doesn't prepare gets blindsided in the court, she WILL regret it and be unable to fix it at that point....I told her straight up that this was going to be hard, but if she can do it,  she can turn the tables to not be two steps behind always on the defensive when she should have everything in her favor.  I also told her straight out that she will lose if she plays his game because she can't manipulate or fight dirty at the level he can - her best way to destabilize him and infuriate him so he will mess up is to be transparently honest open book, refuse to react how he expects her to or goads her, and above all to stay calm keep showing her responsibility and good decision making skills and how her fitness as a parent is only growing stronger more stable the longer she is free of his controlling abuse.... Killing with kindness and gathering concrete evidence is the only way - if she or her lawyer tries to fight dirty or manipulate him,  she loses because he's far better at it than she could ever be.

They got an uninterrupted 8 hour session with a precog Capricorn moon during the start of Capricorn season. (and I will absolutely peek down the potential future fate lines to strategize and advise how to avoid the worst case scenarios if you will listen to me.)  After a 3 hour family get together, which after everyone had eaten became open forum about the elephant in the room by me and Sabra discussing it and everyone gathering round as they realized to help where they could. 

It was hard,  but important and good.  And I promised to help wherever needed or I best can,  at their discretion.  I will be going with her next Friday to pick up V from him at his parents house.  (because this definitely helps me introvert recharge.  😂 )

And tomorrow (today?)  I need to be at grandma's no later than 10am for pt then doctor's appointment then scheduling other appointments for her....  Then afternoon with Mikaela off school.  Then working all night into the wee hours/sunrise to get hours in.  And Friday need to be at grandma's at 11am for ot.

And honest,  I could really use a hug.  But not a cursory hug,  one of those hugs long enough to release oxytocin make you feel loved and safe and somewhere you can rest for a bit to gain strength.  That sort of being held in love strength giving hug.  I need that right now....

But it's not to be. At least tonight I have no one here to give me that sort of hug. I have me,  a 30lb dog,  and 18lb cat,  and a society finch....  So I'm gonna go reheat my 2 slices of leftover pizza for midnight dinner because I haven't eaten even snacks since about 1pm, amd make some tea to drink after I finish this Izze while I wait for the candles in the menorah to burn down.  (I'm not strict about needing to do them at sundown,  just about reciting the blessing and lighting them so they finish before sunrise of the next day.) Then bed. And tomorrow's battles will be there for me tomorrow.

P. S.  Accidentally watched Eric's story on insta when I got home catching up - left it running after viewing someone else's story.  But it was good - it was a picture of him and his nephew, and it made me smile made my heart happy.  And afterward, his unwatched story went away didn't stay up so there was nothing there to trigger me over him bullying due to the system of ostracism on the band account that was created 14 months ago.  So it was good,  and it made me smile gave me a little gleam of light instead of hurting me.  This time.

And I feel honor bound to acknowledge that truth,  even in the midst of the rest of the intensely serious drama I'm juggling right now.