While I was in the theater last night with my mom and best friend to go see Wicked (it was really good, definitely recommend you should go see it and should see it on the big screen) I started getting such deep intense rolling waves of sorrow and broken hearted grief while just sitting there waiting through previews. Not my grief, just deep tsunamis of sadness. 

Later on, after getting home, I had a polar bear dream for the first time in... Well.... I don't know how long tbh. But I do know he has not found me in dream space since my conclusions of late July that nothing would change in the repeating toxic cycles created by his sister's choices to block me from the collective of the band that his life is built around and so my choice was to remove myself from the dynamic because she is central to his family life and creative life and career life and so there's no place for me where I am welcomed to be part of his life under the boundaries she imposed on acces to him and these core parts of his life. 

Some of him not reaching me has been my own erratic sleep schedule (the solar flares have been rough as m class flares are among my migraine triggers, though they feel very different from all other migraine types to me so easily recognized, but pain meds have no effect on them.... Rather than pain or intense nausea/vomiting/dry heaving like most of triggers give me migraines, the solar flares make me really motion sensitive light headed with bad syncope fainting spells if I don't rest during them AND I get really bright crackly lightning like silvery bright blue auras every time I move until it dissipates. I'm loving the brilliant frequent aurora displays, but I'm very much looking forward to the end of this solar maximum to reduce that trigger.) so anyway, my erratic sleep schedule has been worsened by the solar flare migraines and it means that if we don't sleep at the same times, there's just no way for him to reach me in shared dream space vision dreams, y'know? 

But he did find me last sleep in dreams. And he was so broken hearted sad when he found me. And. He told me, "Please. I don't know how to make this right between us, I only know that I need it and you. Tell me what I have to do to heal between us." 

And I smiled sadly and put my palm to his palm again said, "Give me hope again. Give me any reasons to cling to that can make me believe not just that you want me, but that I belong in your life and we can build shared future life paths together. Without that, I will let you go and choose to walk my own path without you this life. What else is there for me to do without seeing a place for me within your life as you choose to build it?" 

And then I turned and walked away from his dream self without hearing if he had any response for that -- and on my third step from him I walked right out of the dream into wide awake laying in my bed. I got up and made me a cuppa tea and watched the sunrise (not a particularly pretty or note worthy sunrise, it's a cold grey morning so sunrise was just a lightening of the gray; but I can't sleep across the gloamings no matter what after all) and now I'm trying to decide if I should try to get some more sleep or get up and start some laundry and make myself breakfast.... I didn't sleep much recently and tonight have tickets to see the Broadway tour of & Juliet at Overture Hall with my parents and Sarah and Mikaela. So more sleep at some point during the day would be good. I just am not tired yet and there's an inexplicable major sudden pouring of love light in down the bond which is energizing me a lot.  

I dunno. I'll figure it out. Best I can.