I have to say, what I'm getting via the bond, he's mostly just excited and a little scared in case it doesn't work but he's not even allowing himself to consider failure as an option. He's very confident he 's going to fix this before it ever gets to me putting the bond to sleep or dating anyone else. Because he can't accept any other outcome or what that would do to him or me.  So he's just full of love and a plan for how to fix this to stop breaking that isn't me deciding to leave....and he thinks he can pull it off before I do something drastic and stupid and a permanent fate shift of timelines.

I can't say I know why he's that way,  I only know is.  But it's an intensely powerful is - and for once,  I think the intensity of his love and the purposefulness of whatever he has in mind is stronger while he's awake than asleep.  Usually, the waves of it from him are strongest right as he's falling asleep or waking up,  that's when it floods into me intensely.  Followed by when he's asleep and then it's just sort of a strong constant ocean of it but no sudden bursts of intensity,  just a calm constant vast amount of love from him while he sleeps.  Typically when he's awake,  he's so busy distracting himself with other things to NOT feel the intensity of the yearning for what he can't find his way to have, so he's least distractingly pouring heady amounts of love into me via the bond while he's awake.  At least typically.  But not right now,  not since late Sunday night.  Right now,  he's stronger pouring love down the bond and reaching for me on it while he's awake.  Whatever he's doing with himself,  he's not trying to distract himself from me or his yearning and need,  he's feeling that intensely and it's like he's intentionally focusing on me keeping me and that love and the bond right at the center of what he's doing so he can't lose it.  Which sounds horribly self-centered egotistical of me to say,  but it's the only way I have to explain how it's shifted....  I don't know why, but somehow it has. And it's while he's awake this change has happened - it's not a subconscious thing,  it's a very focused conscious choice he's made/making.

I don't understand why,  but I do recognize is.  And I don't know that I've ever heard him quite like this on the bond.  It still all feels rather like a house of cards that never will stand and stay to me.... But I must admit that I find his focused optimism and certainty and overwhelmingly strong love and need pouring down the bond as infectious as it is heady and it's making me more optimistic that maybe there is a way he's found out of this toxic mess that's been made of what should have been incredibly easy for him.  More optimistic  than I've been in a very long time. Optimistic against all common sense.

Which is probably foolish of me and only setting myself up to be hurt.  Again. And then nobody but me to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust where I should have known better than to give it.  Again.  *sigh* I know it's foolish and likely to only cause me more pain, but still it's pulling at me asking me to believe in him again just a little longer,  not to give up on him just yet. And more than anything,  just reaching for me with all that intensity of his love and longing pouring it into me and the bond. making certain it's reaching me I can feel it from him, know his truth,  all the time always.

It's not anything concrete.  But it's strong,  incredibly strong.  And constant.