O I'm not upset or angry motivating my decision back in Aug to unfollow him on insta, I'm at the point of acceptance of "this is how it is and how it will continue to be unless/until someone with the ability to change it chooses to change things." I am not that person, I cannot unblock me and I cannot make me welcomed into the parts of his life I am currently excluded from. I can't even get a reply from anyone involved (including when I dmed him directly in Aug 2019 and he read it but didn't even reply or take action at all about it) when I tried and so I'm done even trying to bring it up to them. I accept this is who they truly are and who they want to be and none of them see any issues with this sort of exclusionary behavior towards fans when told truths the girls didn't want to hear is something they accept and condone being done in their name as individuals and as a collective.  I accept that this is their truth by their choices and actions even when given multiple opportunities to try to talk about it and they chose to just ghost it pretend nothing I said existed while liking the victim blaming defensiveness some of their diehards DID exhibit in their replies to me. I mean, it was a conscious choice for someone on the band account to ignore me make no reply or open dialogue but to visibly heart the replying comment telling me it was my fault I was blocked because nobody representing the band would ever do that undeserved. It is not my desire to create strife or discord, especially within the band or between siblings, but I also refuse to lie about what happened just to keep a false peace -- so I will speak the truth of what I experienced and how it affected me since it's my lived experience and thus mine to share if/when I choose to. *shrugs* yes it stung and hurt me at the time to find their claims of inclusivity and standing up against bullies and bringing things to the light so they can be healed as core values of the band was all a lie, disillusionment about anyone you admired held affection for is going to sting and hurt -- but I'd rather know the truth than cling to a pretty lie and at least the girls gave me their truths with how they behaved toward me. And after that initial pain of disillusionment and the followup hurts of realizing in 2019, "No. This is really who they are and choose to be, even now that they are indie and only themselves to be accountable to, they'd rather completely ignore ghost this than acknowledge it take accountability try to heal make things right" it's only been fighting the losing battle of accepting ALL the ripples of consequences of the choices made in the bands name and that the band allows to continue being made in their name...

And I was pretty much there at that type of accepting earlier this year if you recall. I just felt that if he had something to say and had grown internally and changed enough to want a clean slate to make clear whatever growth he wished to share, I wanted to give him one last chance and to hear what he had to say. That chance didn't extend to assuming or even hoping there was a place for me in his life or that it mattered to him I should feel wanted and welcomed into his life rather than excluded from core parts of it if anything is to grow between us. I just wanted to give him a chance to communicate in the ways he chose what he's trying to share that he feels is so damn important a turning point within him and for his life. I felt he deserved that. Because me being excluded from his life something he actively consciously chose even if he didn't do anything about it to fix it once it was brought to his attention. Still it was never his choice that barred me from being welcomed even as a fan of his band. So when he went clean slate then set his release dates on paired angel number dates, I decided he deserved a chance for me to listen and follow along to what he had to share about the patterns he doesn't want to keep repeating within his life. He still deserves that. It's just if he's going to remind me I'm excluded not welcome in his life and what he shares as core parts of it, then I will respect and accept that as being part of the things he chose to tell me by his actions/choices.

I genuinely hope for Eric that everything he's doing is advancing the way he wants it to move forward with releasing his singles (I did listen to the new one after reading his email and it did brighten my day to hear it, even if it did require me dealing with the annoyance of having to open Spotify to try to play the song you ask it to play when you don't stream music so don't pay for premium. Once was more than enough dealing with spotify's ai nonsense playing suggested/paid sponsored songs rather than what I wanted asked it to play. It's very lovely; but I remain unclear if the song is about him becoming a better man or about her finding a better man than he was to her.) I hope his new album release is a smashing success to bring him everything he's hoping for from it and set his heart on moving forward with his life and that he figures out how to get himself unstuck from his looping patterns so he can create/co-create what he desires and deserves for his happiness. And I genuinely feel he has every right and reason to be proud about what he does with his band and excited to share about it (which is what I presume he was sharing that I couldn't see in early/mid Aug whenever it was I decided it was time to be done giving energy where it wasn't reciprocated rather than choosing those who choose me and want as much or more time with me as possible. I don't even know what he shared, it was the act of him doing it and the remind of the block and me being intentionally excluded from seeing whatever he was trying to share that is my issue, not the contents itself. How could I be upset over the content when I don't even know what it is? It was the injustice of the "this isn't for you, you're not welcome here" exclusionary nature of it being blocked for me that is the problem, nothing to do with the isness of whatever it might have been he was excited to share. I'm a Libra sun with a Pisces rising -- knowingly taking part in acts of injustice/unfairness and intentional acts of cruelty are my two line in the sand foundational ethics issues with people. This is an ongoing red flag raising issue with both of those ethics issues and why I ended up concluding I have no admiration in me or affection or even any desire to have in my life the people who created this situation and have refused to even acknowledge it exists. I don't enjoy playing with mean girl bullies, I never have and I never will. I'll just go hug a tree and dance with the bees in the flowers and sit by the water and make animal/bird friends and go talk to the stars until I find people who want me around will treat others fairly and honestly and without cruelty instead.)

It's just... look... People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And the choices the girls made in 2018 in the band's name and that have been defensively maintained ever since rather than discussed or even acknowledged have forced any hope of a connection between me and Eric to be only a hope of a season. That's not about him or about me or our choices or what we might want, it's about choices others made that exclude me from taking part in the things he has built his life around and that meaning there's no place for me or welcome in his life. And it makes it unrealistic to think our life paths crossed for anything more than a season this life -- especially when nothing has been done or is being done to fix things make me welcomed into and desired in his life. It's a one way block, a one way problem -- there's not being anyone or anything in my life excluding him telling him to go away he's not welcome or wanted. The only thing blocking it is the people in his life that have blocked me and excluded me from being welcome in the most central core aspects of his life.

Because how can you have or expect to have a connection that continues to grow with someone whose sister has decided you're not welcome and blocked you from having anything to do with the band he created and made the central pillar of his life?  It just doesn't make sense to do anything other than to accept the connection was only for a season and that season ended the day her pride and ego decided I wasn't welcomed or wanted as a fan for the band. What is central to his life he built it around will remain central and I will just fade out of his options because that was the choice that was made for him and when he had the chance to do something about it, he chose not to and chose to ghost the whole issue. *shrugs* There's just no place for me in his life and there hasn't been since his sister's choices of October 2018 and that's just how it is and has been and every indication shows it will continue to be. I'm not upset or angry with him and I wish him only the best and brightest of everything he wants to choose for his life -- but I don't hold any hope for anything to alter that would create a place for me to feel welcomed into HIS life. And so I'm closing that door (though not locking it) and ignoring it and going to invest of myself elsewhere. Because it's been enough years, in a month or so it will have been 7 years now, with nothing changed or changing since the day I was blocked from having anything to do with what his life is built around and I'm tired of pretending maybe it will somehow magically change or the girls with choose honesty over pride or someone in the band will decide on choosing integrity/accountability over ego.  

This isn't a choice born of a sudden whim impulsiveness or from a judgement that any of the men involved is better (or even better for me as a romantic partner) or me saying that he shouldn't be proud and excited to share the things he creates with the people who matter most to him in his life but it's a choice been a long time growing from the seeds the women of the band sowed back in 2018. It is solely the product of my own inner struggle since Oct 2018 of coming to terms accepting that there's no place for me in the most important parts of his life as a direct consequence of the choices his sister and liz made and that will remain the truth that I'm not welcome to be included in the core aspects of his life as long as there's ego driven defensiveness of standing behind those choices rather than communicating and acknowledging and taking ownership and discussing like adults what happened and how to make things better moving forward instead of playing the bullying by ostracism mind games of middle school mean girls. It doesn't actually matter what he or I may have wanted or hoped for in this life or given the connection of the bond -- what matters is the reality of the isness that I am deliberately and intentionally excluded made to feel unwelcome involving anything to do with his sister, his band, and one of his close friends because they didn't like me being honest that due to my color-timbre synesthesia, the country music played at shows was going to make me stop attending the band's shows. (And yes, that's the only comment I made directly before it happened and all that it was that I could possibly have said or done to make the girls behave the way they did and to block me on insta. That's what their egos are being so defensive about rationalizing and that has created these consequences where we are in a place where I have accepted there is no place for me in the core aspects of his life because his band isn't an inclusive welcoming space no matter what they claim to stand for -- that is the seed that got us to this point.) 

The choices that were made back in 2018 as a reaction to my honesty about my experiental truths and the girls not wanting to hear it set us down this path and if I weren't so stubborn, I'd have accepted long ago there's no place for me in the core aspects of his life and set him free of any expectations/hopes/ties to me. (Lord knows I've gone in circles writing about it trying to square the circle and finding a way where it isn't his pain and my pain that pays the price of the girls' defensive ego choices made in the band's name.) *shrugs* This closing the door was overdue. And, what does it matter in what other ways he or I grow or fight to bring ourselves closer together in the 3d not just 5d dream spaces when I remain excluded and not welcome in the most core parts of his life? What could we ever build between us and together with me not being wanted or welcomed into his life? Especially when I am not welcomed within the very thing he has built his entire adult life around?

No, any chance of it ever working out in a better way was exploded by the choices in 2019/early 2020 to ghost and defend and rationalize those 2018 choices rather than just acknowledge it when i tried to open channels of communications and figuring out a brighter way through than me giving up on any chance of me being any part of his life when I'm not welcome there. I just had to go through the process of accepting and grieving over the consequences of those choices and all the future paths they truncated for both Eric and myself. 

So why should there be any surprise that once I've learned that bitter lesson and accepted it complete, I have decided that I will close the chapter and instead open myself to whatever the next chapters are and whoever they include who make me welcomed and wanted to bring our life paths together? 

Also. it's worth restating, the first time I saw Skerryvore and thus crossed paths with Martin was back in 2013 and the mutual attraction was instantaneous and has always stayed burning there -- it's been well over a decade now of whether we should consider pursuing a physical relation with each other given the mutual attraction there, if that's even something he's been wanting (especially when he was very much in his sowing his wild oats phase) but especially now he's a steadier more certain of himself version of him than he used to be, or if it's better with all the mutuals and the tight knit community to let it be there and not to pursue it. I mean, this is a very slow burn building to get to where we are now, it's not a sudden infatuation or anything. His relationship he started right before covid that he was in for a long time definitely removed that question for these last five years or so because he had committed himself elsewhere and i respected that choice of his. But it is once again back and what i decide to do with/about it remains unknown even to me. But this isn't a sudden flaring up of something new, it's been a steady slow burn question between us that I don't know how to answer because I don't know what he wants -- but right now I'm open to finding out.

This isn't a whim or a sudden shifting of sands. This is the consequence of many years of steadily making and standing by ones desires and choices and the consequences of what those choices built up or eroded as time has passed.

 ~*~*~*~*~

Anyway. the real reason I started this post tonight was me realizing that I'm waaaaaaay behind on the astro poets interweaving dance of horoscopes for Libra and Pisces. whoops. That happens when one goes radio silent for a while.

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 8/3 in Libra: Someone prays for you with water and love. They are sitting in front of you with a sense of peace. It is now time to create. It is now time to be what you meant to. Pink and purple line the streets with light and sunrise."

"Week of 8/3 in Pisces: If everything in the past was waiting, it wouldn’t be. Now the momentum moves it forward. Something crisp with a dream. There’s a turquoise sailboat. Go there with your rainbows."

"Week of 8/10 in Libra: A sweetest reminder of you. That you say everything that matters. That you are love personified. That you sing. And it’s beautiful."

"Week of 8/10 in Pisces: So much so that it is a clock. But not time. Nothing is. Nothing could be around what exists. Go into your rainbow-coated daysong." 

"Week of 8/17 in Libra: Much is said. In the scope of what can be found. And so is love. Something that lasts forever. Let it." 

"Week of 8/17 in Pisces: You didn’t need to hold it up. But you did find a night so clearly. And what it was not real. That’s the best part. That’s the answer."

"Week of 8/24 in Libra: Unnecessary. But beautiful. But light and fixed. See it as it is. Blue and forgiving." 

"Week of 8/24 in Pisces: Finally again. So the dream is blue. Is it the ocean? It is. It is that and more." 

"Week of 8/31 in Libra: Some letter. Mailed in the middle. There was weather. There was a soul. You knew it clearly."

"Week of 8/31 in Pisces: You didn’t want to realize. But you did. And that’s the best part. Learn from that. Tell everyone." 

"Week of 9/7 in Libra: Love remains. And you will be surrounded by it. There could be nothing with this much yellow. A soul of sweetness. A friendship that lasts forever."

"Week of 9/7 in Pisces: A summary of words. A longing of spells. A centered finality. That’s friendship. That’s the feeling of love you can recall."