Right. Sorry. yeah. I was going to write here. I've been really awful about that recently. I've not had much time this week. I DID have SVD on Monday, but it was actually really great (it's apparently the gold standard of special voting deputy due to how politically engaged the independent living community there is (and wealthy progressive types, a LOT of retired professors who apparently debate policy in the halls sometimes depending on the referendum before they come in to vote) who live at the facility and like we had former SVD workers who live/work there and League of Women Voters works extensively with voter registration drives there and helped facilitate the voters to be patient keep them moving but not overwhelm us. We processed 81 svd absentee voters in three hours and no registrations because League of Women Voters did that ahead for us held registration events so everyone was in the system for us. As opposed to Tuesday when we had a brilliant activities director and were constantly busy just two of us working that location (instead of four) but only got 17 absentees done, but seven of them were new registrations. But they only had like 4 residents remaining who were registered voters for today. The cutoff for registration for absentee voting in WI was Weds, in person you can register day of election voting in WI, so with special voting deputies to permanent care facilities, only first visits can do registrations, second visits are ONLY for registered voters who were missed the first visit or didn't show up to vote while we were there, with special emphasis on checking with those who have permanently requested receiving absentee ballots.) I also had to courier back after Tuesday because Paula who I was working with had been having intense tooth pain and they could get her in at 3:30 that day (we ended at 3) or not for a month -- and me stopping by the county clerks office to drop off the courier bag to the elections office and sign off the sealed bag open them with a clerk and verify the totals matched then hand off chain of custody wasn't a hardship for me. Not like a month of tooth ache all the time not able to eat or anything pain hardship!
I'm heading home soonish to get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to be across town by 9:30am (and google maps says it's 40mins before adding morning traffic time due to construction) AND I have to caffeinate and eat a proper meal because from 10am until 2pm tomorrow I need to be patient and smiling and helping elderly residents properly fill out their absentee ballots. So I need to be up early but also be well rested and make sure I eat and have coffee to slow me down from speaking WAY too fast for hard of hearing or early dementia elderly voters trying to help them vote and potentially reading multiple confusingly worded referendum (one state, one county, several school districts that are different in different wards.)
I actually have a ridiculous amount going on in my life right now, I have one week with nothing in the calendar after the election (I'm actually currently caught up on all mandatory trainings and have received my assignment for election day -- 6am until close; which means I need to find time starting next Tuesday for in person absentee voting at the library) don't even have more than three days free around plans already in the calendar until pretty well next year. This coming week: Fri: SVD and checking on Henry, Sat: the only day for me to get my herbs taken care of or an transplanting; Sun: brunch then symphony then late in the evening watching the Packers game with my mum and the dogs and zooming with my sister's family; Mon: Waffles vet visit (will schedule Spock followup) in morning and my optometry visit in afternoon Tues (hopefully otherwise on Thurs): car in for oil change/tire rotation/alignment check and then over to the library to vote; Weds: headed to Milwaukee for East Pointers show; Fri: in Spring green for Nat Turner in Jerusalem ; Sun is just the Packers game. The week after that, my aunts who now live/work in Charlottesville (when they're not in Edinburgh or India) will be in town for South East Asian Conference so pickup of them midday that Thurs then they will be at the conference til we pickup my Aunt Kath to hang out Sat (her birthday) then we have Sat night with them and Sun until taking them to the airport; then it's election day (probably at least a 17 if not 18 hour day for me tbh -- but could be longer if polls are extra busy and still having to process absentee ballots late into the night even after the polls close and we start the closing procedures and reconciliations to make sure all the number on all the things match and there's even more bureaucratic red tape for this one just in case of a recount or anything because it's general with pres so extra scrutiny.) Then after Tuesday 5, nothing but normal work until Nov 15 (symphony on Friday, Badger home game university football game tickets on Sat, Packers game Sun. Week after that my grandma has appointments on Thurs and Friday, then a symphony special with pixar movies on Sat then the Packers game Sunday. The week after that tickets to & Juliet at Overture Hall the night before Thanksgiving. The week after that we moved symphony to Friday for me so I can have both days of the weekend to get hours in because I fly out to Seattle at like 6am on Tues Dec 10 then don't get back until early morning Dec 30. Also somewhere in there will be Spock's followup. Also need to order tea for Mo and find more gifts and figure out packing. And I have so much laundry to do because I've not had time for it in AGES...... AND, i was supposed to have some fillings done back in June or July, which I really didn't want to do and then I got laryngitis from coughing due to firesmoke reaching us here and I was coughing WAY too often for even any normal dental work let alone four small fillings on a girl with redhead gene so she doesn't actually numb from anything in the caine family, it burns the whole way down the nerve and even with articaine and twice as much as should be used for my body weigh, you have maybe 20mins before what little numbing I got and I feel the pain of everything you're doing intensely. Anyway. I haven't had TIME to reschedule those fillings and I hadn't had pain or anything so kinda forgot about it but as of yesterday, sometimes when I bite down certain things I can feel the pain from the cavity forming under an old filling in a back molar that was put in when I was 12 because I have deep Mediterranean grooves in my molars that they didn't want to get cavities but then when the fillings age, I've had problems of cavities under the fillings after 15-25 years of wear on them....
Anyway.
What I'm saying is. When I say I've been sitting in a place of acceptance about letting go of Eric and being really practical (one could say ruthless) with myself over accepting that if things aren't changing so there's a place for me to ACTUALLY be involved in his life as he chooses to live it and build it then I need to let him go because nothing can grow between us that isn't poisoned toxic by me being ostracized and excluded by his sister's past actions and defensiveness maintaining that ostracism and ghosting any attempts I have made across six YEARS to openly talk about this try to heal it leaving me still excluded from quite literally EVERYTHING central to his life this lifetime. When I say I'm in a place of acceptance of that set of hard truths, it's important to know that I'm also WAY too fucking busy overwhelmed struggling with my adhd executive dysfunction where everything that isn't needing to be dealt with right NOW (or enjoyed right now while I have the moments/opportunities) is sitting in "out of sight out of mind" non-existent limbo. I simply haven't had TIME or executive function to let myself feel the absence of him, the absence of even the promise of him in my future this life, and the chasm of a hole that leaves inside both of us. I mean, look, in August I didn't even finish reading a single book in the ENTIRE month -- when the hell since I learned to read at 3.5 yeas old have I ever gone even an entire WEEK without finishing a book?! Exactly. I ain't even had time for trying to tap into any creative outlets like my writing (not even here, let alone my REAL writing) or drawing or painting or anything since maybe April or so -- so I haven't even had time to run up against or face the creative block of having that bond blocked off from being the source of love and magic and creative force it's intended to be. Let alone me having time to examine or really even feel the depths of my emotions over accepting this defeat that there's nothing I can do to set this right and after six years it's time for me to accept this is either what he wants or at least what he accepts others choosing for him to have (or not have) in his life. And I probably don't have time to myself to even start the facing of it until 2025 unless something molotov cocktails forcing me to face it due to a change or something important happening there as opposed to the slow acceptance of ongoing lack/emptiness where there has always been and ought to be a something....
In the name of honesty, THAT is the sort of radical acceptance of his choices as they are and moving forward with my own life focusing solely on those who choose to be in my life and who CHOOSE to have me in theirs while accepting he's chosen as he sees fit and desires for his life and that's his act of free will even if it's his free will to let someone else force him into a false dichotomy only one way out. I don't claim it to be emotionally stable solid foundations, just that it's the place I am of making me accept this set of bitter truths and move forward accordingly and focus on what IS in my life and needs my attention rather than letting my heart hurt over things I can't change or find a way to the fatelines I would choose IF there was a way to reach them but there isn't due to the third party created and maintained block from me having anything to do with what is most central to his life as he has built it this lifetime. I'm sure when the consequences of accepting that hit me they'll hit me hard and deep and it will take a lot to heal (or at least scar over) that amputation -- but I'm not there yet. My acceptance is built of focusing on who and what IS in my life demanding my love and attention and energy and not bothering myself over anyone or anything who chooses not to be in my life or excludes me (or allows me to be excluded) rather included in their life.
But who knows, by the time I get there, depending on what stage of feline CKD (chronic kidney disease) Spock is in, I may hit the hollows of his kidney's failure and his imminent death and then dealing with my (currently) 15.5 year old cat's death. On verra. there's a lot to still happen and a lot that is not yet known between now and January -- and the fatelines are all so murky and tangled not clear due to the agitations of the great huge worldwide socio-political fateline instability due to choices not yet made to rivet between given fatelines that anything other than short term glimpses of my own fateline aren't happening right now.
But if I'm going to be honest to say I'm in a place of acceptance, I OUGHT to be honest enough to admit it's also a place of avoidance due to object impermanence and my adhd being completely overwhelmed when it comes to executive dysfunction and too much going on in my life and the lives of people close to me right now.... I haven't even had opportunities or time yet to feel the shock of the creative block that comes of having decided to let go of the bond this life... I know that's a consequence of accepting his choices of inaction across six years IS his choice that he's okay with me being excluded from his life and the most important aspects of it will be a block on our creative sources drying up in both him and me and the more complete the connection between us is blocked/dammed up, the smaller and less productive that bubbling source within us will be as it gets blocked up and silted over.... But right now that's all theoretical to me (though possibly very real to him I would assume given I haven't allowed me to reach for him or let him reach me when he has tried because I'm accepting nothing good can grow between us if there's no place for me to be included in his life) because I haven't had TIME to even read very much let alone to sit down to a blank page and put words on it or start sketching or painting on the blank space. I'm in a place of acceptance/avoidance where I'm not yet feeling the consequences of that acceptance.... but that may not be how it is for him-- especially if he's trying to use his free time between his shows and traveling solo between them to tap into his creative nature and work on new songs and new things. The block of our creative springs is real in both of us mirroring each other the greater the blocks between the love flowing between us both ways down the bond -- it's just I haven't noticed it yet felt the repercussions of that consequence because I haven't had time to try to tap into it sit facing that blank page while blocked. It affects us the same depth, but that doesn't mean we feel it to the same intensity at the same times if we're not both facing it at the same time... And right now, I have no time for facing anything other than accepting him at face value of his choices across six years and to put my energy and love into those who DO choose me and need me and want me in their lives right now. If I'm going to claim honesty, I need to be completely honest. And admit that my acceptance is a shallow acceptance even though it is a complete acceptance without hope or expectation that what forced me to this point of acceptance is going to change within his free will choices or anyone else's that got us here.
Honestly? I haven't even had time to miss and feel the absence of the polar bear in my dream space since arriving at this place of acceptance of his choices back in late July.... I haven't even had much time for sleep so haven't had much time for shamanic dream space traveling (and when I do, I've been sleeping during daylight hours not nighttime hours which makes it very hard for the polar bear to even try to find me while we sleep -- because I'm awake when he's sleeping and sleeping while he's awake and active doing things.) It's only archangels and fae and old gods/goddesses showing up in my lucid dreaming shamanic dream spaces.... But I've not even had enough time in that space to feel the polar bear's absence from my paths in my dreams -- because I know that I'm awake while he's sleeping so even if he tried to reach me in dreams I wouldn't be available for him to reach me in dreams and sleeping while he's awake and active can't go dream seeking me.
*shrugs* Look, I've not even had time to CONSIDER, "and what are you going to do Dani when you see him again and the Universe reminds you he exists? Where will your precious acceptance of the choices he has allowed others to make to exclude you from the central core of his life?" The ENTIRE peacefulness of my acceptance is built on me not seeing him, not being faced with reminders of him (or even reminders of the empty spaces where the bond to him ought to be) and not having to face any of the emotions I feel about the choices themselves that got us to here and my own inability to alter the paths of others choices that got us to this place of my radical acceptance of letting him go and focusing my attention/energy/love on who and what IS present in my life and wants me enough to choose me. Ain't no foundations under it to tell me how my react will be when I'm reminding of him and his existence and everything I always dreamed and hoped and though could be if/when we ever did cross paths find each other in the waking world not just the bond and dream space and past lives memories.
I need to pack up and head home and get some sleep. How did it get so late already?!
P. S. 6:06am addendum: my body is vertical but very much of the opinion this is among my stupider plans and is everything short of direct refusal vehemently opposes this request. 😆 Ooft. Today is scheduled to be a long ass shift before I can even consider lunch....
[Post title: lyrics to the The Florence & The Machine song Ship to Wreck]
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