Light up, light up, As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear. Louder, louder, And we'll run for our lives. I can hardly speak, I understand, Why you can't raise your voice to say

 He's unhappy and feeling bereft of hope somehow.... I don't know about what or why, just know is. It's just the strong emotion that echoes through from him. Like he feels whatever he does, it can't make anything better so why is he trying so hard. Even though I've hardly let me reach for him down the bond or meet up with him in shared dream space, his emotions always flow like winds through my inner stillness. Even if I'm keeping myself busy, the echoes of his emotions are resonating inside me. He shouldn't feel that way.... The only thing you're guaranteed to fail at is the thing you never have the courage to try, and the only thing you can't fix is the thing you refuse to admit is broken. At least, that's how I see it. The more honest you are about what you're dealing with and why it's not working the way you'd hoped, the better you'll be at getting it to smoothly and efficiently do what you want in the future - but even a square wheel can be turned to show a different face if you put enough force into turning it. Not as well as if you realize curves act like a fulcrum to ease the forces required to shift across the corner, and certainly not as easy as if you learn some basics about gears and pulleys, maybe an axle - a square wheel won't get you very far or move very fast....but if you need to make something turn you always can. If the square wheel isn't working well enough to achieve what you need done, figure out what's wrong with a square wheel and make a better wheel design that better does what you're trying to achieve, then try again. The only things you can never find a way to make better are the things you lie to yourself about, the truths you try to deny or hide, and the things you're too scared to even try a new approach. Experiments would be boring if they always worked exactly as expected - and so would life. you write your hypothesis based on your learned expectations from the past and then you design a new scenario to either learn more about why things did/didn't work last time(s) or to find out what happens in this new scenario. 

But if I could I'd tell him that he's only guaranteed to fail if he's too scared to try something or if he lies to himself about what he's dealing with. And I'd hug him. The "won't let go until you do" sort of hug. Because I know that his soul needs that quite desperately right now. And if I'm fully honest, mine does too.

And because.... The only thing harder on me than accepting I don't belong in his life and I'm not wanted in it and need to make my own choices accordingly is to think of him as existing in an emo wasteland where he feels that the happiness he seeks is impossible for him to ever make his. He just has to know what he wants and have the courage to choose it. That's all he ever had to do. 

Also. After watching the figure skating gala, I have the song Run that Sui and Han skated to stuck in my head. I definitely cried when they were skating it because it felt like them saying their goodbye to the sport that has defined their lives and retiring on their terms.  Also though, after her mistake in the side by side jumps, I was really scared they were going to get silver again and I wanted them to have their fairy tale ending gold on home ice redemption arc so badly!! because they should have won it last Olympics, the subjective "artistic scores" is how they lost and they shouldn't have. They said in multiple interviews that losing it by half a point is the only reason they didn't retire already.

They skated to the Leona Lewis cover of Run, but the version of it stuck in my head is the Snow Patrol original. So those are the words and melody repeating in my head right now: "Light up, light up,  As if you have a choice.  Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear. Louder, louder, And we'll run for our lives. I can hardly speak, I understand, Why you can't raise your voice to say."

Right. I'm very tired. Already in bed snuggled under the blankets and linens -- just going to press the post button then reach across to plug this in before sleeps. So on that thought, bonne nuit. Sweet dreams. Tomorrow is a new day and another sunrise. Choose for it what is true to your deepest held values and you'll bend things toward the correct course. I have faith in that truth always.