I didn't realize when I wrote either of those last two posts that it was Eric's birthday. I'm not very good at birthdays unless they're ones I memorized as a kid. I can remember what zodiac signs people are, but that's like a month long window for their birth, if you ask me the actual day I'm pretty much SOL. Also ADHD so measuring flow of time isn't my forte - I exist in a state of constant flow and only music or the regular breathing/heartbeat of another living being kick-starts my inner metronome. If I have to be somewhere at a set time, it involves a lot of clock watching, reduced productivity due to clock watching, a lot of mental math to figure out when I need to start a task so it's done in time to start the next task, and complete derailment if I'm interrupted. If things have a hard start time, like plane tickets and concerts, then I'm the person who likes to err on the side of getting there early so when I lose track of time I'm already where I need to be and I get time stressed if things are getting in the way until I'm there. 

His email made me smile. I wasn't expecting it, but I was glad when I saw it and read it. Seems a funny way and place for wanting to share his joy in being alive right now, but I'm selfishly happy he chose that method as I wouldn't have seen it on any of his social media but I do see it in his emails. I liked that it didn't feel performative for show or ego stroking, it felt personal "these are things I wanted you to know about me and this was the best way I could think to do that." And I liked that about it, that it was authentic. I'm a sucker for everything authentic, always have been. If you want to stop me speechless too full of emotions, do something real from the heart not something to impress. Don't do a "look at me" showing off, do something genuine and authentic if you want my full attention. And like I said, while it would have made more sense to post something on socials, I was selfishly grateful he picked the way he did, to write to his email list, because that meant I saw it.

I understood the being bad at holidays thing, I am too. (See above where I acknowledge I'm bad at birthdays and dates generally.) For me, it's generally because I don't like being a have to - I don't want someone to show they care about me because it's an arbitrary point on a calendar that society says they're supposed to. I prefer the authentic, not the performative have to, when it comes to expressions of affection. Randomly being spontaneously affectionate because you're overflowing with love means a helluva lot more to me than doing it because you're supposed to. A child gifting me a scribble or a dandelion means more to me than flowers on overpriced roses day - because it's an authentic showing of love not a supposed to. Also, he doesn't lack imagination for how he'd like to celebrate his birthday, he lacks someone in his life whi he wants to find meaning in making those memories with. And that's not the same thing. He knows he'd be happy retreating to a cabin, but he wants to share the experience to make it a celebration. There's nothing stopping him going to a favorite restaurant, but he wants to share experiencing flavor experiences he loves with someone else, to celebrate the experience together. The meaning in it is sharing the experience, feeling the joy in it with someone whose joy amplifies your own joy. He knows what he would enjoy doing to celebrate his birthday, but he wants a shared experience of celebrating his existence in the life of someone else - it's perfunctory to him to celebrate it alone.  At least that's how I understood that part. And not just anyone, specifically someone with whom sharing makes the experiences meaningful. That's how he would like to celebrate, by doing things that being him joy and sharing those experiences with someone whose joy in his existence and the shared experience gives meaning to the moments and the memories.

And I would fight with him over needing to earn love or affection, because that makes it seem like you need to achieve something to be loved. Love isn't measured in achievements. But I would agree that love should be deserved, should be derived from isness. I don't want to be worshipped as some ideal on a pedestal, I've had adoration enough in past lives to recognizes it's hollow and empty and meaningless. I want to be seen for me qua me, all the best of me and worst of me and all my "that's fucking annoying as hell" quirks and all my triumphs and all my failures - and I want to be loved for all the things that make me the version of me that I am in this life. I want to be seen and cherished for exactly who I am and for the best version of me I strive to be in order to feel I deserve the love I receive and the everyday me that is sometimes all I can manage -- but it starts with wanting to be seen and loved for me as I am.  But the love itself isn't earned, it just is. It grows stronger and more intense the more you see that evokes love and the longer you have to find what's lovable in another, but that's not so much earning as learning how much more there is to be loved.  You don't love a dog because it has achieved something - what does a dog achieve beyond training to go potty outside, not to eat the cat, and not hump people's legs? As achievements, those are pretty low bar and you don't love the dog for them, you love the dog despite the times it fails at those basic achievements. You love a dog because sharing your life with them adds joy to your life - and your dog loves you for those same reasons. Their existence makes your existence brighter for being in it.  I think it's important to try to be the best version of yourself to feel you deserve the love others feel for you, but ultimately love and affection is born from the fact another soul's existence makes your own brighter for getting to share it. Trust is earned, faith is earned, believing that someone wants to stay with you is earned. But love and affection is that brightness and warmth you feel that another soul exists and you're fucking lucky enough to get to share existence with them. Loyalty is something you prove and in return you earn trust, but love is just that joy and wonder something IS and you're lucky enough to experience it. And sometimes, we only recognize love by the absence of it, by how much less light and meaning there is without them. But affection and love is not earned, it just is. It's just, it's that brightness of joy in knowing someone or something exists and you were lucky enough to find it so it could shine in your life. 

So I would disagree with him that love needs to be earned - trust and faith needs to be earned but love just is. When you look at someone and all you feel is warmth and joy that they exist and wonder that you're lucky enough to have found them to share the experience of the moments you're in, that's love. It's the recognition that someone makes your life brighter for having found them, makes you light up brighter when you see them or see something from them or that reminds you of them.  Love is that brightness and warmth that something is and it's the desire to cherish and protect and nourish that brightness and warmth. 

I would agree though that if you want something meaningful and enduring and lasting, you will need the loyalty and faith that must be earned as well as the affection and love that simply is. There is an aspect of the long-term and meaningful that must be earned, I agree. It's the relationship that must be earned and trust in it, not the affection and love components where the earning comes into play. At least, that's how I see it. But I'm single and not looking because I don't want to waste my time on just anyone and I've known all my life what I wanted if I could only find him and then after finding him I've been made to believe I'm not wanted and can't have him in my life because I don't belong in his life. So most of what I know about love is not in the romantic sense this life. That's still something unfulfilled for me..... What I know of love is about the joy and meaning in shared moments of existing together and the delight that you get to have that this life. 

Also. I found it curious that he ended with that affirmation of still finding the joy and wonder in his life. Curious in the timing since I'd just recently brought it up, but good he ended with it in that I think it absolutely something worth celebrating that he feels that and has that in him still. It's important and it made me super happy to have him affirm that he hasn't lost that. It made me want to hug him and tell him, "O I'm so glad you've not lost your joy and wonder!!" 

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't reread this one, several times reread it and then some. And every time it made me smile and feel happy inside and grateful to have it. It doesn't seem likely that was his goal in writing it, but whether it was a goal or not, it's still a direct effect of his having written what he did and sent it. Definitely did not decrease my desire to hug him and tell him how happy I am that he exists and how grateful I am to be lucky enough to have found him this life. Would 100% give into that desire if he were here right in front of me because it's already so strong in me even without him being here. Would then probably overthink if I should have done it maybe I just made everything extra awkward by my effusiveness, but first instinct would be to hug him and tell him how happy I am to see him. It is every time I see him. 

O right! And Happy International Polar Bear Day!!!! (I only know this because I follow a lot of polar bear accounts and zoos, lol. Including the zoo in Madison, which is free, and has two polar bears I can visit any day I want.)